DERAILED & PREVAILED

picture it kittens...the year was...well a year ago 3 weeks back when i had

clocked out fer the very last time after keep'n the seat warm temporarily fer some maxi padder who was out on paid leave fer 3 months all cuz she spread her vicious thighs and vomitted out another reason why she can never have nice things yet hold'n on to the simple fact that her newly acquired cottage cheese ass will 9 times outta 10 most likely prevent her from ever cling'n onto ANY hope fer a future with the baby daddy...while my only hope last summer was a movie called "NOPE"

which turned out to be a H-U-G-E NOPE fer me when i could'a slept at home fer free!

the only interest'n thing that happened in the music world was that we lost

a hand full of rappers due to the ever popular GOP scare tactics of the 2nd amendment rights...except fer COOLIO who had bit the bullet by "cardiac arrest" at 59

sorry i'm not that well versed on the garish grandeur of the gangsta life's

why can't they be more like LESLEY GORE?

maybe they'd still be here if they used their grills fer shish kebabs instead of their teeth...i'm just say'n!

BUTT...anyways

my last place of employment i was work'n fer the government process'n 

cross country hauls fer the large Marge's of the midwest until the contract ended then i set my sights to sail the easy seas of funemployment which consisted mainly of...

organize'n my O.C.D's...

 over-dose'n on E.L.O's...

and rearrange'n my DNA's when time permitted fer a 12 month streak

fortunately fer me...i learned to penny pinch many years ago so i didn't 

squander away all my hard earned covid coins from the previous year on the latest "must have" piece of social media shit that was bombard'n me hourly that i needed at that very moment before it was all sold out

i'll never ferget that time back in 1988 when i survived on $35 i had earned

recycle'n cans and hope'n somethin' would transpire when i was forced to find new means of a roof over my head and my only X (of the 2 X chromosomes persuasion) at the time who generously donated the back seat of her exquisite slightly rusted out 1979 cream colored 4 door mercury marquis colony park station wagon with side wooded panels trimmed in aluminum chrome with slightly burnt sienna interior along with slightly burnt cigarette holes fer that artistic homey feel...retractable seat'n in the back fer maximum comfort on my single blow up water floaty bed that she so generously donated free of charge fer 2 full weeks (that i might add...I HAD TO PERSONALLY FUCK'N ASSEMBLE...thank CHER fer my non used blow job lungs at the time)

til one sunday morn'n when her aunt came out to get the paper before church and asked her niece whom was live'n with her at the time "Cricket...why is yer boyfriend sleep'n in the back seat of yer car?" to which Cricket so nonchalantly replied "eh...i don't know...he said everyone moved outta his house while he skipped school and was told by one of his sibs he would never be able to move into the new house cuz he was an embarrassment to the family...oh yea and he's not my boyfriend anymore cuz he told me he's gay!" (shortly there after i was couch surf'n at the HOUSE of HALL until the matriarch put me on a plausible path to freedom) so you can understand why i would never wanna live that way again!

now where was i? oh yea...if there was anything i needed of urgency i just

shazamm'd my Amazon list over to my good friend Peetrinella who would take care of it durin' the appropriated celebratory festivities when we would partake in them twice a year as i would hers fer the past 30+ years

so once the covid coins started deplete'n after the unemployment was cut 

off…my piggy bank was really become'n all skin and bones thanx in part to my shit mobile catch'n some mechanical covid last feb where i was forced to take out a small loan to cover the costs only to find out the banker fucked me over (and not in a good way) with add-on's i never wanted added on and since i wasn't guaranteed a paycheck fer count'n the popcorn bumps on my bedroom ceil'n which was pretty much a full time job fer my state of mind at the time when dawn broke til mid-day all summer long until the leaves began to pirouette from the trees...or until someone gave me a reason to leave my shitty chateau...i knew my funemployment was come'n to a dead end

and with the many many texts and/or pop-up surprise visits i would do on my deplete'n dime to those who i've been acquainted with over the many many years to keep my barely there sanity a float was only to be met with the many many acquaintances either not return'n a text or with one word responses that i decided i wasn't gonna bother try'n to decipher anymore...i just knew the friendship was futile and it was time to finally focus on myself and stop waste'n precious time with the past that had no interest in my present state of mind

i found myself in a penny pinch'n pickle and started apply'n to any and all

positions that i have had over 22 years of experience in until 20+ online interviews later...week after week...where more than half of the interviewers just happened to have "testical difficulties" and couldn't get their video screen work'n properly (which i figered was just code fer they were hung over or didn't make it to the salon that week) even gett'n deemed an "undesirable candidate" even fer a shitty interview to be a shitty bagger at an ALDI's...i knew the end of year was near fer this desperate queer and with no cash flow in sight...

except fer the generosity of my highland park fairy would paid this ferry a fairly equitable fee to do odds and ends around her and her mothers new luxury live'n...i was ready to sell my shit mobile fer pennies on the dollar just to get by since it doesn’t quite have the same exact spacious leg room like my last home on wheels had cuz pity don't pay the rent (trust me...i've had to do worse)

then just last week after interview'n fer a handful of positions though i felt 

like i'd been fucked over in more positions than ever seemed possible at this point…the employment fairies fulfilled my dream (fer the time bein' anyways) and finally DOLLY PARTON'd me a new position...

and once my FBI background check is completed (of which i'm not worried about) i've take'n my drug screen (of which i'm also not worried about) and receive my free complimentary prostate exam (of which i've studied fer all nite) i'll be good and beyond glad to get back in the game…

and then focus all my artistic energy on the new MADONNA 40th anniversary party (more on that one later down the road) so until then …

enjoy my mix in honor of the QUEEN’s contribution to the world of music fer the past 40 years

so it's time to roller set my muffin and permanently press my panty shields

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

it's the little things

there are many little things in life that'd we'd all like to ferget...

like when a good friend searches fer her contact lens on the dance floor fer an hour til you finally have to tell her that she doesn't wear any and to pick up her dignity and toss her A double snakes in a cab cuz she can't afford to pay this babysitter

or when yer in a rush to jump in the shower and get ready fer the most important date of yer life and you mistakenly grab a bottle of drano...instead of doosh

or when you spoil the plethora of nieces and nephews that have been bestowed upon you every chance you get when yer piggy bank allows you to...but they ferget that yer a registered voter on amazon's wish list or even a simple call on the most underrated holiday of the year known as gay uncles day...even if i'd rather be referred to as their aunt

after leave'n my 9 to 5 job after 9.5 years (and trust me...that .5 really does make a HUGE difference in some circumstances) at TCFuckers*...i decided to live off my newly acquired employment inheritance known as the 401k...and still at the tender but just barely there supple age of 45...it was time fer a new direction fer part 2 of this so called journey we call life

though many things went thru my head...and some thru my bed...day would turn into many sleepless nites...stare'n aimlessly at the ceiln fer hours on end...and in the end...i would do all i could just to try and force myself just to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen...try'na pour myself a cup of ambition...yawn'n..stretch'n try'na come to life

from online interview to phone interview and eventually sometimes i'd make it to the front door...but door after door was slammed in my face...much like a dominant tooth chipper to his hungry whore...i would crawl back into my hole...or at the very least try and find one to slam into...that was tight enough that didn't feel like a boat show could run thru it with ease

the hidden depths of depression is unbearably palpable and quite frankly IS NOT a pretty blouse that looks good on anyone period...but especially if yer the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...like me!

time was tick'n by so slowly...and i couldn't pull a position outta my ass no matter how hard i was...i mean tried...don't even get me started on the unreturned texts or phone calls that were apparently made to annoy those who couldn't be bothered to return them in a timely manner

then in just one week...the 7 month itch would finally be under control...without the help of ANY antibiotics i might add...i could finally feel the light at the end of the proverbial unemployed tunnel

it all started with a simple homeless man i spotted after leave'n an interview that i was in fer almost an hour (and you know somethin' gotta be good there)...though he asked fer some simple change to purchase a simple gram of meth (that is a direct quote...almost)...i responded with helplessness...only if he had a credit card reader attached to his barely there threads...i'd be more than happy to donate a small portion of my benjamins to his addiction...alas though...i rarely ever carry any change...well unless some down low joe leaves a quarter on the counter on their way out...but they rarely do these days...

as i walked away with a much happier pep in my step fer fer the 1st time in 7 months fer pt 2 of my so called life...i heard him exclaim..."i'd tap that ass!" (and that is a direct quote!) awww...soo soo sweet! as i turned back to try and thank him graciously fer unassumingly raise'n my spirits as he clutched onto his spirits in a paper bag...i became blinded by the shiny bracelets he was now wear'n compliments of the boys in blue...but it's the little things that mean so much to me at this point

as i made my way back to the temp service that serviced me better than any other service provider thru-out the metro area and beyond fer the past 7 months...i told my save'n grace that the interview went fine and that they would contact them within a week about whether or not i was right fer the position...(but i gotta tell ya kittens...rub-a-dub-dub-come-hop-in-my-tub...i'm good at just about any position you put me in)

we chatted about life in general fer a mere minute or 2 and as i was ready to walk out the door...this complete stranger/savior told me to hold on a minute...cuz she'd just received an email say'n that they wanted to offer me the position...i rarely use big words correctly...but i was so ecstatically humble that i could'a been eat'n a bagel filled with razor blades and it wouldn't have affected me in the slightest...the fact that a complete stranger who knew nothing about me...wanted to get invested in me enough and get the best deal she could...again...it's the little thing

i was ride'n on such a huge wave of euphoria at the moment...that i was certain...eventually it would all come crash'n down on me and i would be back at square one

*to top it off...the new company was gonna pay'n me almost DOUBLE from my previous position...where i was treated like a middle aged chimp make'n chump change on a daily basis with a donut trough as reward fer all the hard work (but more on that topic in a later blog)

3 days would pass before my life and my piggy bank would finally start gain'n some weight...and i was gett'n myself ready to meet my 3 cuz's Stacy...Jacque & Nadjua....a couple of friends...and about 3000 other burbian freaks...thanx to my one cuz Tim...at thee event of the year in Maplewood Mn at the Myth Club to recapture my tenacious teenage terrorific years with CULTURE CLUB in concert

though i got the looks of a leper enter'n a beauty contest as i walked up to the venue from the crowd anxiously wait'n to get inside the club and out from under the blister'n sun...then i hadda remind myself that i am rubber and they are just unimportant glue... i've learned over years of deal'n with countless finger pointers and lookie loo's...who don't even have the decency to offer up any canned goods...to not let their untalented and unwarranted stares affect me in any way

i was minutes away from turn'n into a puddle of maybelline and jewels in the park'n lot...when they finally opened up sesame...and as the crowd of costco beauty contestants...my cuz's and myself made our way thru the front doors....it felt like i was stepp'n back into 1984 all over again and made a b-line straight to the front of the stage...

i ended meet'n up with Vicky Ticky Tavy...(you'll remember her from here of course)...she's like my best look'n temporary tattoo i've ever had...that...in time...will eventually fade away until the next Culture Club site'n...and her roomie Tom

as the room filled full of the jean nate' after bath body splashers and poco rabanne over dosers...the unflatter'n houselights went down and the stage lights flooded the house...the band poured out one by one...the butterflies were ravage'n my stomach like a mongolian warlord that i thought i had under control...this is until the 3rd song and i almost lost all consciousness...

due to the fact that i was singled out by the one and only BOY...who acknowledged my very existence when it felt like the rest of the world around me hadn't in some time...by name dropp'n me from the stage and lett'n everyone know he follows me on Twitter

2 words: ABSO-FUCK'N-LUTE BLISS!

music has always been the best anti depressant out there fer me...and i've been O.D'n on it since i was but a wee unintentionally internationally unknown performer of my own universe...the show was absolutely fan-fuck'n-flawless and the once unconscious crowd who didn't give a rats A double snakes about me earlier...now wanted me to be their best selfie friend...i tried gett'n my cuz Jacque back stage to finally meet BOY (since i had already had my moment in time) unfortunately though the band had already left the build'n...but we all had an amaze'n time...

and though i wished i'da had this moment filmed in HD by George Lucas...with a match'n soundtrack...it was a momentous moment that'll never leave my memory...well...that is until dementia decides to ravage my cerebral cortex..and i'm complain'n about how i was cheated outta a couple jell-o squares in the raisin ranch...

i was lucky enough to get a surprise email outta the blue from again another complete stranger...who tracked me down on FB...who just HAPPENED to be film'n at the very moment BOY called ME out from the stage and sent me the footage...see how the little things can be bigger than anything you'd ever expect

thanx a mill to BOY...the videographer...the homeless man & the temp and to my cuz's & friends that helped turn myself into someone else

so when you see a stranger on the street...maybe someone who doesn't follow any leader in their life...or someone you know is try'na reach out...why don't ya try say'n or doin somethin' nice fer 'em...even if it's just lend'n out a lil ear-time...you might not get much outta it...but it's the little things that could change the other person's outlook on life immensely

now get off my dress!