SLAMMER GLAMOUR

leave it to 80's bad ass rocker MISS BENATAR to sum it up puuurfuckly

"cold hard labor...it's a labor of love

convicted of crimes...the crimes of passion

caught in a chain gang...the chain of fools

solitary confinement...confined by the rules"

who is one of the many deserved nominees currently in 2nd place fer the rock~n~roll hall of fame so help push her to the #1 spot by cast'n yer ballot here

everyone...well lemme rephrase that...those with a sense of unwaver'n

adventure that desperately wanna spice up their monotonous tic-tac-dull fornicational routine have always had a soft spot fer bad boys behind bars ever since hot to trot #1 bad boy JOHNNY DEPP who broke outta prison via a cute lil jazzy number in the 1990 twisted teen musically romantic comedy "CRYBABY"

bad daddy "Dirty Harry" who portrayed Frank Morris along with 2 of his butt buddies that broke outta the maximum security island in the prison drama "ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ" in 1979

and of course who can ferget throat plunge'n shake n baker CHRIS KELLER on the masturbatory prison fantasy series "OZ" from 1997 to 2003

hollywierd has made a cool mint from glamourize'n hard life behind bars

even some bad girls like the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR who basked in her own bad girl spotlight in the 1985 dramedy "DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN" as SUSAN THOMAS then again in 1987 as NIKKI FINN in the quirky off beat comedy "WHO'S THAT GIRL"

i can even recall way back in 2004 when i found myself as a recipient on the other side of the camera fer my very 1st ever bad boy glamour

 shots session that i take full responsibility for and ps kittens...the only thing hurt durin' this dreadful nite was my dignity and my pocket book...kapeesh! (click here fer all the sordid salacious deets) though i remember how i was absolutely unhappy with the 1st photo and put in a verbal request fer an immediate retake which the guard on duty granted...gave me a count down and to my pleasant surprise gave me that menace'n bad boy image i so desperately wanted to convey and when i uploaded my profile picture on gofuckyerself.com or somethin' like that...i was completely swarmed with requests to fulfill many twisted prison fantasies so of course i milked it fer as long as i could...why not!

i was even bombarded with twisted offers far and wide of putt'n a ring around my rosey and one that would even set me up in the best double wide across the midwest if i'd be their personal inmate date!

with his pierce'n steel blue stare no one milked their mugshot fer millions 

of fans and followers as well and more than former crips gang banger JEREMY MEEKS when he was arrested in a california sting fer bein a felon with a firearm and grand theft durin' the summer of 2014 however it was the authorities who he owes a bit of gratitude to fer turn'n his mugshot into his masterpiece when they subsequently posted it to facebook 

and kick started his career in the fashion and model'n world by 2016...walk'n the runways at NY fashion week in 2017 then again durin' Milan fashion week in 2018 fer Tommy Hilfiger which in turn turned Mr. MEEKS into a clothing line constructed after his bad boy image in 2020 as well as appear'n in numerous fashion mags thru-out his career include'n the boobtube and the big screen

BUTT that's not the end of it

JEREMY ain't the only fit felon on the loose...just a couple weeks ago 

across the pond in merry ol' England…37 year old burglary convict JONATHAN CAHILL from West Yorkshire broke the terms of his bail last september while break'n hearts all over the UK as a wanted fantasy to the rest of the desperate horny toads drive'n along the informational highway drool'n over his come fuck me eyes and sharp trick jaw...it got soo bad after police posted his mug fer help from the public to track him down that they hadda turn off the comment section since most were ready to leave their back door open hope'n fer a midnite break-in and a safe haven fer him to hideout thanx to his criminally good looks...though he was recently apprehended as this story went to post

nonetheless you can bet dollars to donuts it's only a matter of time now before the fashion houses of FORD and VERSACE bail him out...scoop him up and have him shake his money make'n mug fer SPRING fashion week in Milan

hey...it's been like 20 years since i took a trip to visit merry ol' England

i'm beyond the pond over due...however...if i would'a caught him...you can bet i'da kept him...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

the great CLINK STINK

Clint did his best to "ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ" over 40 yrs ago

in 1978 and we [the audience] were led to believe that his escape was completely successful as planned and that he lived out a fullfill'n and fruitful life until his last breath...though the real escapees never verified if they did or did not actually make it out since there was no verification from TMZ or any other news outlet since!

i myself...unfortunately...even felt the long arm of the law many moons

ago back in 2005..when i got pulled over fer goin 5 miles over the posted limit one particular even'n and subsequently was arrested fer a DUI fer bein' 1 point over the legal limit...though 6 months later i was completely exonerated by the the judge due to the fact that the cop (as hot as he was...and trust me...i begged fer a strip search...WOOF!) had lied to the courts say'n that he had give'n me a breathalyzer at the scene and not the station...(apparently though his dash cam would not corroborate his story)

but as i was bein' photographed around 2 am on that fateful nite...i was completely disheveled and discombobulated in disbelief of what had just conspired to me and DID NOT want to come off look'n like some sorta magical lezbitron hooker durin' my photo shoot...and after see'n my mugshot...UGH!!! i was completely horrified by what i saw and begged fer a reshoot...thankfully the police's Annie Lebowitz took my request into consideration since no one else was bein' booked at the moment and let me retake my epic glamour shot...

thankfully...the 2nd photo shoot worked out to my satisfaction...that once i was released and made my long walk back home early that balmy morn'n...i decided to turn my lemons into some tasty lemonade and posted my mugshot as my profile pic and literally within minutes i tell ya...i was bombarded by numerous residents of desperadoville on whatever app i was on at the time...

with offers far and wide of putt'n a ring around my rosey and one that would even set me up in the best double wide across the mid west if i'd be their personal inmate date!

i learned my lesson and paid my dues and swore i would never return

behind bars...cuz there was no strip search...no phone call...and most importantly...NO KELLER!

15 years later...the moons had aligned once again but not in my favor

unfortunately...as i was give'n a cease and desist citation fer 24 hours via TWITTER due to Mr. Kaopectate 2019...Lindsay Graham...gett'n all butt hurt and report'n me to the TWITTER police over a tweet i sent that colostomitic twat

it was the roughest 24 hrs that i hadda zip my lip...lemme tell you kittens!

it wouldn't be but a mere 5 days later and the cries from social media
could be heard all the way from Boise to Bermuda the other weekend

where oh where is the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe and why hasn't she responded to our desperate requests fer a comment or 2?

turns out i didn't learn my lesson and ended up in FB jail fer 3 whole days 

thanx to some bored fuckless repuglicunts feel'n inadequate and unimportant at their knitt'n club with nothing to contribute to the weekly conversation

BUTT...lemme explain!

so this one guy...who i won't bother name'n since i don't wanna further his

insanity cause just to become the next you-tube sedation (you can watch his explosive diarrhea here to get where i'm come'n from) with his mental rant was in regards to the youngest offspring of the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of cheeeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet and him bein' referenced in the testimony 

by professor of law at Stanford...PAMELA S KARLAN...who merely suggested a play on words with british nobility and his son's name...and DID NOT suggest ANYTHING else...contrary to the mouth flappers assessment of her testimony...and the many responses left by oblivious lobotomized repuglicunts

well...after view'n said video...i was bored in bed and wait'n fer my muffins

 to cool off after beat'n the batter to oblivion and merely laid out my defense in professor Kaplan's defense...not that she needed it mind you!

in order to protect their anonymity...all last names have been removed

but make no mistake...what i said was complete irrefutable facts...i was deal'n with obvious brain dead lobotomized repuglicunts who believe facts are like their fuckless nites...a nuisance and unnecessary at this point in their life

from many birth announcements to many birthday celebrations

and the million meme posts flood'n my FB feed regard'n that damn loud mouthed real house wife's breakdown and the white pissy pussy cat...that i still don't fuck'n get at all...and everything in between...I COULDN'T RESPOND OR REACT TO A DAMN THING!

i was goin thru complete withdrawal and there was no amount of methadone that was gonna make it any better...i would just have to slowly suffer thru it completely alone

by day 3...the sun had risen...the birds where sing'n...and my fingers were

 like banshees in a bushfire...delightfully tap dance'n away...respond'n to numerous backed up posts that my FB stalkers were so desperately wait'n patiently for...throw'n out likes and dislikes as fast as i could and all was finally good in the world once again

of course leave it to the lobotomized brain dead right to be completely 

mum when it came to that mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of cheeeto dusted pig shit disgrace'n the planet a week later...tweet'n his bitter contemptuous jealousy all cuz he wasn't the covergirl fer TIME magazine that was bequeathed to Swedish kick ass teenage environmental activist GRETA THUNBERG

so if there was one thing i learned to take away from my time away from 

social media post'n...and that is...WHY THE FUCK WASN'T I OFFERED A PROPER 80's GLAMOUR MUG SHOT SESSION LIKE MY LAST INCARCERATION? (hmmm...me thinks there's a market fer that...dont'cha think?) oh well...happy holiglaze

now GET OFF MY DRESS!