so there i was...try'na figer out what to do last sat afternoon...
after frantically check'n my FB page fer any of the happen'ns happen'n...cuz it just so happened...i had nutt'n to do...so i hadda decide...do i "toss my salad"?...or do i make a salad the chills beautifully in the frigid air fer my cuz's b-day
*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*
we interrupt this earth shatter'n story...to bring you this...
(insert chaos and sirens sounds in yer head)
mirror mirror on my wall...
who's the most fairest drop dead gorgeous one of them all?
ummm...'scuze me girlfriend...but you need be be look'n who's behind that mirror..cuz there's only one QUEEN...and that's
M-A-D-O-N-N-A!
to the woman who turned underwear into outerwear…
causing millions of women to add vagisil to their water cooler conversations
make’n pre and post pubescent str8 and not so str8 boys...
tell’n millions of kittens across the globe to...
over the years...many have tried to imitate her...
but no one can duplicate her!
we all know how desperately LADY BLAH BLAH has been...
like fer instance...the utterly blatant copycat corruption of...
who single handedly was involved in some sorta lezbitronic voodoo ritual (as most do from my understand'n) with foresight into the future...back in the 1930's...try'na to make M look like a carpet cleaner
former pin-up and bondage beauty to truckers everywhere...
who
obviously had psychic abilities and wanted to get ahead of the game
by 60 some years...except everyone knows...color is a much more effective approach
even hollyweirds most famous breathless bottled blonde...
hopped
into some delorean mobile and completely ripped off Madonna's movements
to a tee...pretty good i might add...and i'm sure she'd still be around
copy'n M...if it wasn't fer that incident with the Kennedy's
then there was that time that blonde Bat Girl...
ALICIA SILVERSTONE
tried to steal the QUEEN's identity..(or maybe it was to cover up all the dark circles from stay'n up all nite host'n all that "hollywood" between her unmentionables)...either case...try again girl!
but famous women weren't the only ones try'na horn in on M's success...
religious deities like supreme goddess Durga thought she'd give it ago...but she found out the hard way that ride'n a lion is not smart when yer 8 hands are full of crap
from the house of the lovable mouse Disney built...
the squeeky clean cock tease tried miserably to steal M's thunder...but she was waaay too demure fer america's taste...plus she couldn't pull off polka dots to save her life
fortunately though...not everyone was a complete failure at it...
.thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...
KRYSTAL KLEER(hey way'da'minute...that's me)...ok i tried it once only cuz
i was host'n the official party fer her MDNA tour a few years back in St Paul...but get this...some local rag said i was TOO fab-u-less fer their story...so i opted out all together...but they tried desperately to make me a hiccup in their story by alter'n my image...HA!...i will not compromise my artistic integrity...(it was
VITA.MN a shitty rag anyway)
but Miss KLEER ain't the only famous celebutante to pay tribute to M...
successfully
played the less serious side of M in a lifetime movie of the week on
HBO...follow'n the footsteps of what it's like to be backstage on a world
tour as
MEDUSA in "
DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"
some even mimic and mock her every move to almost perfection...
besides my very successful interpretation of a classic piece of art...
even the King of rock's own princess did her damnedest...
desperate to live up to the musical royalty of her late father...tried her best attempt to taste the essence of the QUEEN by take'n in a picture to her stylist fer a make-over after she dumped the pedo i mean other King...and fer that...i give her kudos...but a hint Lisa P...bangs should never interfere with lip gloss...too much post production to clean up the lip gloss streaks
although married to Ferris Bueller and star of a hit show on HBO...
changed her hair styles on the series as much as she changed her bed sheets...and what better way to reinvent the break-up blues by look'n to the hottest trend'n star...but she looked like an absolute
ray of light with this do...you have to admit
once asked by American Bandstand host Dick Clark in 1984...
what she wanted to do with the rest of her career…
she said she wanted “
TO RULE THE WORLD’
and she has!
as the GUINNESS BOOK of WORLD RECORDS...
from Chattanooga...
to China
start'n out with her then boyfriend Dan Gilroy and form'n the band...
play'n guitar and drums and sing'n
in 1980 she left the THE BREAKFAST CLUB and formed...
“
EMMY” with then boyfriend Stephen Bray
by 1982 Madonna decided to be a solo artist and signed with SIRE...
and released her first single “
EVERYBODY” on october 6 which became a dance floor hit…and the
hits haven’t stopped since.
there's no dispute'n why she is the QUEEN
Rolling Stone magazine once said...
“Madonna remains one of the greatest pop acts of all time...and the most successful female recording artist of all time”
on march 10, 2008…the QUEEN of POP was inducted into the...
she has endorsed numerous products...but
PEPSI lost 5 million to her...
after backing out on her "BLONDE AMBITION TOUR" in 1991
because a group of CASPER crusaders wanted her banned...
with her breakout performance in 1986 smash hit...
M has appeared in countless other movies include’n...
and won a golden globe in 2008 for her portrayal in the epic film...
Madonna made her directorial debut in “
FILTH and WISDOM”
M's 2nd directorial film was the epic movie "
W.E."
her 1st documentary of "
TRUTH or DARE”… was released in 1991…
”I’M GOING TO TELL YOU A SECRET” was the follow-up 15 years later...
“I AM BECAUSE WE ARE” was released in 2008
an author with a #1 best seller children’s book
“THE ENGLISH ROSES”…
which
became the fastest-selling children's picture book of all time and the
release of 15 other children’s books that have gone on to sell millions
thru-out the world
she's been a blonde
she's been a brunette
she even looks good when she's wet
(and yes i'm sure the flies on her wall can attest to that too!)
she's been peroxided
she's been 2 toned
and even over 50 she's still hasn't moaned
(hey...at least not in public anyways)
her hair has been long
her hair has been short
she's even been ordered to show up to court
(though she got off on a technicality of bein' more famous than CASPER)
she's done the feathered
she's done the fro
she's even modeled for this big mo'
(allegedly i presume)
she's posed with an elephant
she's posed with a horse
she's even posed with the teeniest tiniest of course
(and i ain't talk'n about ANY of her X's...just FYI)
here she is pull'n a pig
here she is in a short black wig
here she is untouched like a virgin
here she is with a comical surgeon
on a roof top...she once sat
she's even worn a big crazy hat
she's caused some controversy with the cross
but everyone knows that she's the boss
she knows alot about swimm'n in water
and eat'n the chains she got from her daughter
here she is doin' some work
here she is look'n berserk
squeeze'n a sponge into a bucket
wear'n what ya want...and say'n...awww fuck it
she can pull off a boa with the greatest of ease
or wear a bouffant with a lot of tease
sometimes she needs to just lay down
sometimes she does it in a gown
she hides behind no ones mask
except fer that one time for that was the task
she can hold herself up by her own 2 breasts
and never lets her boobs feel like they're oppressed
she's played some chess with a dog
she's even been fondled by some old frog
sometimes she'll sit in a chair
or just on the floor in her underwear
she's smoke'n hot when take'n a rest
or smoke'n hot in a black leather vest
from the borderlines
to the beaches
she's always gawked by a handful of leeches
she's had millions of looks thru-out her career...from...
the "rebel without a clause in her contract" look
the "post punk pop rocks" look
the "like a virgin touched for the 17th time on a beach" look
the "fine...i'll wear the stupid black hat but i'm keep'n the wilson leather gloves" look
the "i'm a pepper shaker" look
the "bitch slapped by the hand of hindu" look
the "flo's comin to town" look
the "effective crotch grabb'n...in polka dots" look
the "post modern peek-a-boob hippe blouse" look
the "you cursed brat...look what you've done...i'm melting...melting...oh what a world...what a world" black taffeta Gautier look
the "ancient chinese secret with elongated mud flaps" look
the "i'm not a lesbian"...lesbian look
the "salmon swimsuit and pink satin capri's with blood clot belt now at old gravey" look
the "i'm not a powerful lesbian"...powerful lesbian look
the "hysterectomy in heels" look
the "gimme a bunch of crap to cover the scars on my arm" look
the "i'm sad cuz no one wants to see my boobs in another video" video look
the "yea...you'll be kiss'n my ass someday very soon" look
the "i'm clipp'n my toe nails...get the fuck outta here" look
the "drag queen in a burka" look
the "MISS IMODIUM A-D 2007" look
the "top shelf" look
the "i have so much money...my money has money" look
either way ya put it...MADONNA works harder and is smarter...
than ANYONE in the biz and will burn anyone try'na grab her crown
from toddlers to terrorists...skaters to haters...trannies to grannies...
everyone only knows there's only ONE QUEEN...and that's
M-A-D-O-N-N-A bitch!
there's no deny'n she's broken the mold when it comes to longevity...
HAPPY B...M...here's to the next 56 years!
now get off my dress!
as thee event of the year...raisin rancher Gene Shalit said he liked it better than "CATS" (that is...if he actually went to the show...i will not confirm or deny this was his actual quote)
ICONIC:REBEL HEARTS party saturday oct 3rd @ Saloon
