so there i was one lazy saturday afternoon...dressed in my best pressed...
muumuu...with nothin' better to do but get everything done i couldn't get done durin' the week...like groceries...slap the ol' pickle tickler around fer a hot minutes...target run fer ass wipe...
OH YEA...and don't ferget to poop!
instead i opted to hitch hike along the informational highway and complain to the electronical world we've created fer ourselves known as FB
(side note...to the delusionally perverted out there...remember when FB used to mean "fuck buddies"?)
where was i?...oooooh yea...(insert drool here)
so i sign into FB and made thee 1st earth shatter'n post about how miserable life is cuz it's so fuck'n cold out there and i can't find nothin' to do accept check my post every 10 minutes to see how many people "liked" my post and how many had made a sympathetical comment to my
miserable plight...so i could feel alot better about my miserable self...3 hrs or so would pass before i would finally scrape my perky ass outta bed and crawl into the kitchen to eat some science project that was grow'n in my frigid box...cuz well...i was too lazy to remember i told myself to get groceries the nite before...1st thing in the morn'n...
so to calm my uncontrollable urge to make another utterly and total...
pathetically sympathetical post...i decided i needed somethin' to wash down the science project i mistakenly swallowed and since i'm pretty sure orange juice should actually be the color of orange...i decided to grab my ice pick...throw on my parka and go on an expedition into my freezer to see if there was any thing that i could rescue...and too my surprise i found buried under a foot of freezer burn...a 1/5th bottle of pomegranate Smirnoff my friend Greta left behind when we had a camp out in my live'n room so many summers ago
i made myself a shitty pomegranate glass of unfiltered happiness with a shot of stale seltzer water...poured in some MN misery...a splash of resentfulness that i didn't win the POWERBALL...a pinch of the terribly intolerable 2's and Dr. Kevorkian's number...and i had made the perfect pick-me-up to go along with my shitty outlook on the day cocktail
after i choked down my swill...i decided to make some very urgent calls...
but unfortunately fer me...the suicide hotline decided to put me on hold!
luckily fer me though... there's only a sheet of solid ice between me and the store and the weather was a balmy 5 degree's above frostbite...the buses were runn'n their usual 20 minutes behind their actual posted times...otherwise i would've been a complete bitch about the current
statei was in!...i had 2 choices...either have a complete meltdown...which actually might'a helped clear the fuck'n sidewalks of the lazy fuckers that lived next door so i didn't have to climb over the hills of HOTH...then i remembered...i didn't have the power to breath fire...and since my tauntaun wasn't insured...i could just keep on course...so i did...of course...and hopped aboard the metro transit 45 minutes later
once i reached my destination...everything in the past 4 hours that felt like the weight of the world on my chest...were now no longer aggravate'n me as i stripped off my layers of regret and threw away my bitch blouse to feel comfortable...that is until i was hunted down by some store greeter...
"SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"
s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y...after what i just gone thru to get here...
I...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...is bein' asked fer I.D. to shop fer some groceries?
na-uuh...she DID NOT just say that to ME!
and once again i hear her say... "SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"
ummm...no...i think what you need Bessie is a good dietitian and that trough yer use'n as yer personal buffet table take'n away immediately...(i was merely think'n of her cholesterol intake kittens...i have plenty of pleasantly plumpers i consider my closest friends)...but i didn't wanna argue...so i handed her my I.D. without grill'n up a back hand sammich fer her...i assumed she had had her share fer the day
as i walked around fill'n up my cart with anything that would calm all of the
restless natives beat'n the hunger drums in the pit of my stomach...i wondered...waid'a'minute!...why did i give her my I.D.?...so i marched up to customer service to speak with the mgr on duty
out walks this hefty hideaway gal...who wasn't really hide'n anything to be
quite honest...so i explained to her why was it needed that i had to give my I.D. to the bloated stegosaurus with the bad bi-leveled oglivie home perm greet'n people at the front door...and she calmly said in her best Ernest Borgnine voice that she shouldn't have
i'm think'n ok...this deep fried trough tail gator spotted me as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and just wanted proof to post on her FB page...i get it!
(it's so hard to be me sometimes!)
ummm...i don't think so...the gloves of reason'n were off
the manager got on the loud speaker and said politely...
"Martha please come to the customer service desk"
after Mrs. Dumptruck explained in that typical phony corporate response as to why she took my I.D. to her manager...she had pulled it out from her
tent pockets and handed it over to the IHOP mgr...who looked at it once...looked at me...then held the I.D. closer to her face and looked closer at my face...then all of a sudden they both started smirk'n til they both broke out in complete laughter point'n their claws...
at me!...HUH?...ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?
well i usually hold back my mouth dam...but i'll be damned at this point...
i was gonna let em have it with both barrels...so i grabbed the loud speaker and said..."shoppers...today's blue light special is in customer service...but they ain't so blue...and they most DEFINITELY ain't so light...
but they sure are purdy special...so you'll have to read to 'em r-e-a-l slow...
come gaze at these 2 backward barn yard Miss Piggy mutha fuckers...but please refrain from feed'n them as they hadn't had their feed'n yet today...and you might just become their main course"
i grabbed my I.D. and ran out the door into the freeze'n cold once again...
without any mouth water'n morsels to fill my fuck'n gut...though i wanted to gut anyone that crossed me now cuz my mouth was as dry as the Tatooine desert and my breath was seethe'n like a rage'n bi-polar monkey slut in sunday school
then i woke up
WTF...it was all just a dream?....eh!...it was time to make some breakfast...
as i opened the fridge...i noticed nothin' but some strawberries wrapped in last season's faux fur collection
OK!...this ain't happen'n...so you best get off my dress!
ever since i became that regrettable drug bunny fer the government...
fer a boat load of benjamins back in the early middle 90's...i swear i have sold my soul and sleep deprivational patterns to Satan himself...with a minimum of 2 to 3 hours of sheep count'n on a nitely basis...til i'm usually awoken by some mongolian warlord try'na rip my heart out
well...this one particular insomniatic morn'n while camp'n out in bed
listen'n to the neighborhood hookers outside my bedroom window exchange'n STD recipes...i hopped on my cell to check what life threat'n pleas of "why can't it be ME?" by the throngs of desperado's that i may have missed thru-out my inconsistent R.E.M's...when i was summoned by an early morn'n urge to call Miss CLEO to get the winn'n lotto numbers and find out what color my aura would be fer the week...when all of a sudden i heard a ding from a potential stalker message'n me from a popular non denominational site of balls out blasphemy
(the follow'n is the actual unedited conversation kitten)
of course i understood his desperate urges...though i've never experienced this amount of urgency before too be honest...i was in zero mood to pollinate anything this particularly peculiar morn'n...let alone someone on the corner of desperado avenue and hooker junction
all of a sudden...i felt the presentational ghost of DEAR ABIGAIL VAN BUREN possess'n my freshly shaven nubile body...so i followed it up with an appropriately inquisitive & perfectly polite response...
though i'm no fan of join'n in on the PC parade...in this case...i figered it should apply if he was gonna apply fer such a position
it's true...i grew up with Marlin and the kingdom...up until the great scandal of 1982
when they were busted fer bein' the 1st "reality" show to capture'n a bear in the florida swamps (that was later found to be shot in the ass with a dart gun and placed there by the crew)
i only suggested this movie cuz it's the 1st one to come to mind that early in the AM hours that would help him get a sense of the lay of the land and what to expect
I-N-O-C-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S...woo hoo hoo!
i swear...JACKIE BEAT or SHERRY VINE...listen up!...here's the title to yer new song...make it happen!
if any of the throngs of my universal kittens are feel'n extra charitable this week...why not do yer part...skip that mocha frappe pepperminty cuppa corporate sludge or that rusted needle of temporary volcanic happiness and help a QUEEN and her community here
but there were still a couple more things that i needed to clear up fer my gentleman caller sexually depraved delusional drugster before i started count'n sheep once again...
well...cuz my milky white flesh ain't gonna fool anyone...though who am i kidd'n...i'd suck a dr pepper just fer the taste of it