Monday, March 23, 2015

double trouble

there are many powers possessed by have'n a true to life doppelganger...
comes in handy when yer market'n fresher breath...while secretly promote'n chemically enhanced tooth decay...

 want'n to freak the fuck outta an ax weild'n homicidal maniacs family...

turn'n yerself into a bucket of water...or the form of a hysterectomy pad...

ALMOST become'n every non heterosexuals wet dream fantasy...


i've even wondered what it'd be like to have another carbon copy of my...
unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe self...it sure would help when i wanted to take a break from bein' mercilessly stalked by my fan...but then i realized...no one can steal my dimly lit spotlight...even if it is just another me...there's only room fer ONE OF US...and i'd end up just scratch'n her eyes out in the end anyways

unfortunately...sometimes see'n double...just leads to moronic trouble
case in point...these 2 CASPER crusade'n cankersours...the Benham brothers

so these allegedly non pole puff'n...worshipers of the bible that color'n book...tried desperately to whore themselves out fer yet another house flipp'n reality show on HGTV...puhleez...we need that as much as...
we need another season of  "the 700 club "

but HGTV wasn't gonna pander to their paganistic propaganda

so here's a lil back story of these 2 allegedly non cock-suck'n crusaders...
but reality game shows corrall'n members of the opposite sex (ewww...that's so...you know...just ewww) i mean...desperate fame riddled whores who never got enough hugs grow'n up by their parents...in hopes they'll marry someone within 10 episodes fer a rate'ns bonanza...is perfectly acceptable and exactly how their creator delusional entity intended it to be

and of course Jason...(who might have a slight edge in the hot factor)
only thing is...compare'n yer faith to an antisemitic drunk is probably not the wisest choice to make yer case...fyi

but it gets even better...when durin' that very same speech...
he says that the non heterosexuals and their "agenda" are like nazi bullets..."there are cultural bullets fly'n all over today...especially religious liberty and what's happen'n right now is many spiritual leaders...they are runn'n from bullets...but there's a remnant of people that are ready to stand and say... i'm not runn'n from those bullets any more!"
not to be outdone by his brother...David compares today's Casper crusader

of course no is to blame fer this immorally lustful meringue pie more than...
hmmm..."physical life with children"...i don't mean to over analyze things here mister....but yer start'n to sound like yer 1 lollipop away from the pedophile parade...time to pull back the religious rhetoric kitten!

besides...satan has always been portrayed as a sorta HOT commodity...

listen kittens...sometimes i've been mistaken fer satan...
and other times i've looked like a saint...
but broadcast'n yer comic book beliefs on national telio-vision...you ain't!

now get off my dress!

Monday, March 16, 2015

once upon a time...

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories...as a very small...
but very important up and come'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe was...
"WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"

i can remember this bein' read to me by my incredibly loveable cuz's Carey and Shelly when they'd babysit me and the rest of my sibs on the farm...
i...like Max had...and still have...
a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader...i am read to...but trust me...if you TRY and read me...i WILL crucify you on yer cross!

move'n on...

so i was reminisce'n recently of other childhood fav's that i wished i'd been able to have read...but never bothered to...cuz if they're any good...
you know they'll make em into a movie...right?

so let's take a trip down mammary lane at other beloved books...shall we?

one of my other all time fav's is the story about tough love in...
"Pimpin' Pete"
(gots hot little bitches in heat)

6 grade ain't easy when you wanna be the coolest kid in the classroom...
with the pressures of try'na stay at the top of yer game...without take'n any of the blame...bein' decked out in the latest dungarees from Denmark...while map'n out yer terrain around yer block in yer super hot BMX bike...with mega booster wheels...kittens...that don't come cheap!
in order fer lil Pete to live the lifestyle he feels he's entitled to...since mommy and daddy won't fork over a goddamn dime...so when life gives him "lemons" that follow him around like the pied piper...Pete does the next best thing....and turns those "lemons" into a bonifide work'n machine and rents em out to rake the neighbors yards...wash their cars...and clean the out the trash in local bars...while collect'n all the profits fer his piggy bank and just toss's them a wink and an unwarranted promise that he'll be theirs ferever...or at least until the 10th grade

hey do you remember the classic tale of what to do in bad weather?
"Taking Trips on Rainy Days" 

this was the story about Mildred teach'n her lil tinker bell...Tommy...how to cope with the slings and arrows of an imperfect world...that will most likely be aimed towards him...from classmates and local parishioners...after she found back issues of "INCHES" hidden deep in his britches drawer...while give'n him the proper technique to "perform" without scrape'n his teeth along those "throat plungers"

then there's that one about learn'n how to live alone...
"My Parents are Fighting Again"
(the story of Timmy's home away from a broken home)

this is the sad story of how Timmy has to take shop class as an elective in order to build his own future in the backyard...after mommy catches daddy on the baby monitor...take'n the babysitter on one too many "long ass rides" in the tool shed...and poor Timmy is always stuck pick'n up the shattered dish wear scattered all along the kitchen floor...along with his shattered life

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy...
"Dear God...Please Kill my Little Sister"

this easy to read between the lines story...explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the household...the bank account and his parents affection...when it was just him in the home fer the 1st 12 years...one nite...as mommy and daddy desperately wanted to rekindle their love...by catch'n a movie at those theaters with a "back room"...Charlie gets his 1st job in responsibility and has to babysit Sally...and not long after the front doors closes and mommy and daddy fade into the mist...Charlie sends lil Sally to bed...but as Charlie turns off the lights...Sally curled under the covers terrified...whimpers "Charlie...pleez don't turn out the lights,,,i see monsters in the dark!"...Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises one eyebrow "Sally pipe down...those aren't monsters...those are just yer clothes...try'n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!"...trust me...this'll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life

teach yer lil vaginal wart that mosquito bites don't have to last forever with...
"My First Little Boop Job"

the story about a shy...sweet lil detective named Suzy...who decided to fight fire with fire...by blackmail'n the biology teacher into pay'n fer her double dd's whom she caught jack'n off the janitor...so she can get straight A's in high school...without have'n to moonlight as stripper fer the principle at the Hurry Back Inn

christmas is a great time to be charitable...but nothin' says christmas like...
"Santa says No Toys for Poor Kids"

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches kids of all ages...that after ol' Saint Nick's been runn'n a sweat shop full of hard work'n...underpaid...ungrateful lil elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline fer years...loose'n his looks to his waistline...and the Misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing this ol' fat ass wants as a reward is dried out toll house cookies and a glass of ulcer soothin' moo juice...so he opts to visit only those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches...and low ball of cherry infused bourbon...served by a lady of the nite to drop his low balls onto

and who could ferget the mystical imagination in...
"Drugs are Magic"

here you'll learn how Amanda Peeonme went from teenage terror to town tramp...with a lil help from her friends...Mr. Hypodermic Needle...Rubbie Hose...Quay Ludes...and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high...is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown...and after a nite of non stop party'n...her uncontrollable desires take over...until she has a complete breakthru with her breakdown...discover'n the magic of easy uploadable imagery on xtube when she's not in control of the situation...by the next morn'n...at the office

remember the cost of try'n to discover you talents in...
"Will You Stop that Damn Noise"

grown'n up is never easy...especially when yer a prodigy child...try'n to try out fer the school band...with a  mother who's been ride'n the cotton pony fer the better part of yer childhood...while dear ol' dad is watch'n a marathon of "my lil girl ain't so lil anymore" in his bvd's..with is buddies Jimmy Beam...Johnny Walker and Jose Quervo

you'll be green with envy...with read'n another holiday classic...
"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pipp'n will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter at the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...and alot harder to crack his cracker in than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothin' says learn to earn yer own live'n like...
"My First Meth Lab"

this will give every boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned benjamins she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house"...after catch'n him try'n to take on mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend dancer in Vegas...and discovered daddy wasn't bein totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it kittens...so take some time out and read any or all of these classics to yer lil kittens to teach them how to become irresponsibly responsible adults...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks in some Taiwanese steakhouse back room or appear'n on some daytime talk show! 

now get off my dress!





















Monday, March 9, 2015

slay'n with her sword

i want you to close yer eyes and picture it...the year...1985
cruise'n along the highway in yer little red corvette...while belt'n out Prince's "little red corvette"...off key...in yer own lil car concert as the wind whips thru yer aqua-netted fly trap mop...atop yer head...only cost'n you a measly $1.09 a gallon

Porky Pig's life was only worth $1.65 per pound

the 1st mobile phone rang in the UK at the cost of roughly 1500 pounds

Whoopi and Winfrey made their screen debut together in
 "THE COLOR PURPLE

though the tour was panned by the critics who called it "atrocious" and that M "will be outta the business in 6 months"...and on top of that...mommie dearest denied me the visual experience state'n they do drugs at that concert...(though i was allowed to see Motley Crue and Ratt with my cuz Danny and 3 of my brothers...with no question later that year)...the 40 city tour sadly went on without my presence and sold out across the US...collect'n a cool $5 mill
my fav # was the ultra infectious "GAMBLER"

2 years later...M would hit the road once again with the...
but this time i around...i would kick and scream uncontrollably like a kid on crack...plead'n with Joan with every last breath in my body that i would recallobrate her chevy citation if needed...but i WAS NOT miss'n out this time around...and on july 27th 1987...at the tender and supple age of 16...my best friend's mom drove me and my best friend 109 miles to the St Paul Civic Center to see the reason why i have pledged my eternal undie'n affection to the QUEEN...this time though the critics were kiss'n her A double bubble snakes by choke'n on their predictions and praise'n M...as she traveled across 3 continents...perform'n 39 shows and take'n in a whoop'n $25 mill
my fav # was the rapturous valentine "OPEN YOUR HEART"

by 1990...M would completely redefine the musical experience with the...
though i had hoped to thumb a ride to Oprahville and make'n some quick "lunch money" in whatever seedy alley i could find that was available...i was wrecked when M hadda cancel the Chicago dates due to throat issues...
though i got to experience the next best thing when me and my good friend Karen went to see the brilliant documentary "TRUTH OR DARE" in theaters...hailed "the best tour of 1990" by Rolling Stone magazine...M performed 57 shows on 3 continents and pocketed over $62 mill
my fav # was the defiantly independent "EXPRESS YOURSELF"

once 1993 rolled around...M was ready to conquer the world again with...
by now...i was gett'n the stage bug myself after see'n the local queens perform'n the QUEEN's hits at the Casablanca lounge in Minneapolis...but this time...M would perform 39 beyond spectacular shows on 5 continents and take home $70 mill in chump change
my fav # was the Dietrich inspired "LIKE A VIRGIN"

after give'n birth to Rocco...M decided it was time...and in 2001 came the...
by now...i was already embark'n on my own...small but unimportant "toilet tour" thru-out the midwest...from seedy dive bars to somewhat sold out stage productions to my mediocre rise on the Jenny Jones show...as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...and was unfortunately consumed in my own fabu-less-ness to make it to this tour...but was glad i could experience the brilliance on dvd...M would only travel to 2 continents this time around...but did an astound'n 47 shows and pocketed $75 mill
my fav # was the yippee-ki-yae-git-along-lil-doggie "DON'T TELL ME"

2004 would see M doin' all of her greatest hits to date...fer her impressive...
as my dimly lit career was put on the back burner so i could spend my time focus'n on more important things...like the chemically dependent...socially retarded and emotionally unavailable non heterosexuals i was see'n at the time...me and my friend Bonnie Rotten decided to take a much needed road trip to Oprahville and check out M's latest tour on july 11...
one word...FUCK'N AWESOME!...(ok maybe that was 2...bite me)
M decided once again to film this tour in a documentary style...give'n us a glimpse what it's like to juggle an incredible career...while maintain'n a family life as mother and wife in...
 "I WANT TO TELL YOU A SECRET"
again only able to visit 2 continents (well...cuz kids ruin EVERYTHING)...M still managed to do a stagger'n 56 shows and raked in almost $125 mill
my fav # was the infectiously chaotic "NOBODY KNOWS ME"

just when you thought you'd seen it all...2006 was the beyond amaze'n...
where M had take'n it way above and waaaaay beyond the next level in entertainment...even after fall'n off her horse...though i personally never got to partake in this visually stunn'n musical orgasmic spectacle...M performed 60 non stop shows to sell out crowds across 3 continents...and took in a butt load of benjamins...almost $195 mill 
my fav # was the pulse'n disco drenched  "MUSIC INFERNO"

the next tour spilled over 2 years...from 2008 into 2009 with the...
i would travel to Oprahville once again on oct 26th 2008...kidnapp'n my good friend Kathryn and devirginize'n her at her 1st ever live experience of the QUEEN (to clarify...i devirginized her eyes and ears...not her dignity...i'm sure someone else took care of that a long time ago)...M broke the records by become'n the highest gross'n tour by ANY solo artist...travel'n across 4 continents...perform'n to 3.5 mill kittens...and scoope'n up a hefty total of about $408 mill
my fav # was awe inspire'n gospel "LIKE A PRAYER"

it would be 25 years before M would come back to my home state with...
and i wanted to make damn sure she wouldn't wait another 25 years...so i immediately contacted a local non heterosexual establishment near the venue and threw the official and the biggest welcome back party the QUEEN has ever seen (though M herself may or may not have shown up)...there were plenty of queens that did that nite...from all across the country...i even met one who flew down from Toronto to attend and take part in the MADONNA DRAG RACE...we raised a good chunk of charity benjamins fer "the Matthew Shepard foundation" and everyone had an exceptional time...i would end up goin both nites...why not!...with my good friends Emily and Karen on nov 3rd...and Faedre Blue on nov 4th...M would conquer 4 continents with a total of 88 shows and collected a very impressive $305 mill
my fav # was the very presentational "VOGUE"

well my plee was heard...cuz THE QUEEN is grace'n us again with...
in support of her much anticipated release of her 13th studio album "REBEL HEART" out tomorrow in the US...feature'n the #1 smash single "LIVING FOR LOVE"...in 3 different releases...with 3 different amaze'n photos...depend'n on how much M you can handle
             "standard edition"      "deluxe edition"     "super deluxe edition"

with her recent appearances on French telio-vison Le Grand Journal...
and the musical eye candy ALL week on 
"THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
M is all set to mercilessly slay the competition once again...
and WILL RULE 2015!

and i...along with millions of other kittens...can't wait fer the show to begin...
so become a rebel heart and get yer tickets to what is bein' hailed as... 
"THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH"...by MEEEEEEEEEE!

and get off my dress!
ps...if M happens to read this (wait..lemme rephrase that)...when her assistant reads this to you M...ps...have her or yer tour merch people contact me fer freebies to give away...since i lost the emails from the MDNA tour i had cuz i fergot to back em up...i desperately really really 
R-E-A-L-L-Y wanna host yer official party once again...it made me feel like a 14 year old gurl all over again...twirl'n around in my sister's tulle on the bedroom floor...that would be much appreciated...thanx kitten!

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