Monday, April 20, 2015

debunction junction

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false

like fer instance...a GORGEOUS drag queen like...

a GORGEOUS transgendered beauty like...

a GORGEOUS transvestite as sweet as...
James Franco
and those trans fats...
are all in the same

i'm here to tell ya kittens...THEY'RE NOT!

so today kittens...lemme break it down about the myths of the "drag queen"...or as i prefer to refer to them as a "perform'n illusionist"...
cuz drag queen just sounds so very old and very ugly...
(above sample provided strictly fer educational purposes only)
of which i am neither...YET!

and when you can take a well endowed cock-a-doodle do and make it into a dirty lil kitty cat...you are in a sense perform'n a pretty damn good illusion
so with that in mind kittens...let's hop aboard the debunction express

# 1 all perform'n illusionists are gay
though this myth that ALL perform'n illusionists are non heterosexual...it has been debunked by many who see it strictly as a cinematic art form fer comic relief...and not a way of life

#2 all perform'n illusionists wanna be women
this is one of those myths...that i even knew as a teenager doin' the polka dance with puberty...thanx to shows like Phil Donahue back in the 80's...didn't hold a shred of truth...those would be of the "transgender" category...and though it's true that some performers are of a transgendered nature...they are no longer an "illusionist"...a huge chunk of "illusionsits" do it fer the attention they never received from their parent(s)...cuz they simply love it and it offers them a creative outlet....plus it's an easy way to make a fast buck without have'n to compromise yer morals under a burnt out street lamp in some back alley

#3 perform'n illusionists only perform fer the money
this myth is definitely soooo not true...though some illusionists make a decent live'n from perform'n... the vast majority of illusionists i know...have full-time jobs and spend more money than what they make from perform'n to get that perfect look...perform'n is an extremely expensive hobby when done correctly...that they just love doin...we're like a VanGogh or Monet...on acid...that's come to life

#4 a perform'n illusionist is less of a man
this myth is usually brought upon by closeted non heterosexuals that think that they're fool'n the crowd with their "str8 act'n and appear'n" schtick!...well i'm here to tell you kittens...ya ain't fool'n anyone but yerself...since 10 times outta 10...they have their feet stapled to the ceil'n before i can get my the front door shut...most illusionists are more of a man cuz they have the courage to do what they do...regardless what others may think...it takes an extremely confident man to put himself out there for others to judge and sometimes ridicule...just fer some benjamins

# 5  all perform'n illusionists are bottoms
this myth sorta goes along with #4...and i'm here to tell ya kitten...THEY'RE NOT! *wink*wink*...of course i'm assume'n all you out there in read'n land know what i mean by "BOTTOM"...so no explanation should be required...if not...get a book!

#6  anyone can be a perform'n illusionist
this myth...though seems all inclusive...is somewhat exclusive...depend'n on what bar ya visit...perform'n as an illusionist is not easy...and not anyone can do it...you have to have that "it" factor...if yer gonna be an illusionist...you need to be able to capture the audience's attention and keep the monkey's tap dance'n til dawn...or at least til yer heels and hair is paid off...plus you also need to have a large unclogged heart and be will'n to work for nothin' to raise money for charities and help the community...this is not an easy task to ask

# 7 perform'n illusionist's never use their boy names
this myth...some say is...you should never use an illusionists "boy name" when the war paint is applied...which is sometimes true...but it all depends on the illusionist and the situation...if he is in his illusion...then you should use his illusionist name obviously...especially if you want any sorta attention from them... i call all other illusionists by their perform'n name whether they're in or outta their illusion...cuz i can't be bothered to remember who they really are...and i expect the same...(though a genuflection is customary when address'n me on the street)

#8 wearing a dress makes you a perform'n illusionist 
this myth couldn't be further from the truth...this is usually a sexual fetish made popular by a transvestite...and most of them are 100% non homosexual...but just love the feel of silky things carress'n their unwaxed...flat tired A double snakes

#9 all perform'n illusionists are bitchy
this myth...though does hold some truth since most performers are known fer their cattiness...or extreme bitchiness...and it's what the audience expects...but let's stop and look at it from their perspective...they're wear'n multiple pairs of tights...marinate'n in 10 pounds of maybelline under hot lights...in heels that weren't made for their feet...add to that a corset and have'n their junk taped to their trunk fer hours at a time sometimes...you  would be a lil bitchy too...plus some feel that they have the right to judge them and demand things from them the second they're off stage...(i'm talk'n to you damn bridal parties)...bein an illusionist is not easy job and therefore we've earned the right to be a lil bitchy from time to time...but in reality...the majority of them are the coolest creative people you will ever meet...most of them would give you their blouse off their backs...while they're secretly gett'n slipped yer boyfriend's number

#10 all perform'n illusionists love to be photographed
this myth is only true when they're in a controlled environment...and someone like David Lachapelle or Annie Lebowitz is behind the camera...let's face it...we are ALL attention whores to the nth degree...BUT...the majority of illusionists should never...i repeat NEVER...be spontaneously jumped in a crowd by a bunch of drunken fly'n monkeys with their iphones set fer stunned...who instantly instagram our horrored look on facebook or tumblr or any other website...you will instantly be blocked fer life...and well into yer next life...cuz we NEVER ferget a bad pic!...if you would like a memory with all our fabulessness in tact...just ask...we're more than happy to oblige...as long as you shoot from straight on...or above...and have enough vaseline on the lense to make us look like a fetus in a wig...like we imagine we look like once we've reached a certain age

and now that you the truth...get off my dress!

Monday, April 13, 2015

a whole lotta nutt'n goin' on!

a few months back...at the beginn'n of last year...a friend of mine asked if i'd like to help celebrate his last year in his 30's...before he had to start stitch'n a gown and have it completed in time for his AARP discount card

destination: OPRAHVILLE

but since i had already planned on sell'n my soul fer MADONNA tickets
i hadda decline...but he decided to gimme his miles and take care of my room...as long as i got him drunk...so what gurl wouldn't skip-to-my-lou!

well...let me tell ya...what happens in gaytown...doesn't necessarily stay in gaytown...sometimes it falls into a lovely  little blog center piece...BUT...
i have more tackling issues to resolve these days...like which base...lipstick and eyeliner looks good on you when shopp'n fer tasty spermicidal jams and jellies...NOT!

so...where shall i begin?...hmmm...i know...how about THE HEELS!
OH FER SHAME!...they had THEE most brilliant glittered green 6 inch Louboutin knock off pieces of heaven at my fav-o-rit heel haunt in gaytown...but only ONE PAIR to be had...i felt like Cinder-fuck'n-fella gett'n ready to rumble...as they were a ½ size TOO SHORT for my hooves!....(i knew i should gotten my feet bound like a lil geisha girl at the tender and supple age of 25...like most do...right?)

of course ya can't have heels without hair...am i right ladies and gentiles?

so...not 1...but 2 platinum blondes later...the 1st one very Veronica Lake

the 2nd pile of synthetic follicles was very Kate Pierson of B-52's fame

and Krystal's 1st EVER...pearl necklace...made entirely outta krystals...
not that this was MY 1st pearl necklace mind you...*wink*wink*wink*
(hey Krystal ain't called the dirty gurl fer nutt'n) 
but this was the 1st one i ever had to pay for in my life!

another Krystal 1st was the purchase of what i thought would look like...
shapely Marilyn Monroe-esque hip shappers...
turned out to look more like i was toast'n hamburger buns on my hips...so i'll need to do some altercations before i would ever wear them in public

so now what you've been wait'n fer...the hedonistic portion of my vacation

i'll make this short~n~sweet...without gett'n yer mind all sticky!

though i am unable to connect to...since i'm still apparently live'n in the stone ages of communicado with my rotary style flip phone...(at the time)
but was WELL educated with my flock of mo's i was in town with...the art of GRINDER and SCRUFF the entire weekend!

i cannot comment on their shenanigans...as i was not present fer all 10 or so of them...let's just say...i don't want...nor desire the need to be on some electronical dart board of self consciousness at every given moment...
even if my flock decided they couldn't walk 2 feet without check'n in and check'n out within the 50 ft radius of raw animalistic instincts around them...not judge'n...just say'n!

i...on the other hand...was focused on my mission of gett'n a new frock and in no mood to do the walk of shame from some piper fitter's porch at 4 am
look'n to poach my eggs...who's shelf life was pretty much about to go bad!

that is...until nite number 3...

when my temporary non heterosexual sexually charged bed buddy...whom i found attractive...but was not attract to sexually...decided to be an out-a-towner at some tally whacker's palace fer nite #2 and #3 (since i wasn't need'n any nutt'n) after another fun nite of bar hopp'n and bedroom eyes all around...i returned back to the hotel...alone

unable to count sheep...i decided to take a drive along the informational highway at 3 am to see if there were any hitch hikers that needed a lift

why not!

at 1st it was the usual A double snakers that wouldn't leave you alone
followed up by the desperado villagers that lost out at last call by bar close

then...it's as if the pearly gates flung w-i-d-e open (and YES...read all you want into that)...let the pun(s) begin!

this non heterosexually charged adonis hits me up...and turns out he's only 1 1/2 blocks away from my hotel room...hmmm...OH MY CHER what to do?
WHAT TO DO?

well...since i'm a guest in gaytown...and had the room to myself...i thought to myself...i said self...how many times in the past 15 years that you've been cruise'n along the informational highway...hit on by some adonis...
only to show up to some bad false advertisement nightmare? FUCK THAT!

they're either some mr. magoo and master of their own misery

or some twink with no dink...look'n more like some miss'n link...into kink!
then why the hell am i dress'n up to march myself over to him?
(ummm...cuz yer like a moth to a flame)...oh yea...that's right!

so down the hall to the elevator...and out the front doora...
thru the streets of some fairly unknown city at 3 am...fer some good ol' sodom and gomorrah!

though i'm not much of a gambler these days...and even though cabrini green was no where near where i was stay'n...nor carries the same horror stories as it once did back in the day...it had been over 90 days...and the revirginalization process had just begun...kittens...i suffered ENOUGH!

as i made my way up the elevator to the dark shawdow's apartment...
i figered 2 things were most likely goin' to happen to me:

#1 his photo is a complete fake and i am no desperado villager...so at the very least...i will have gotten my cardio done fer the day

#2 he's some ax wield'n homocidal maniac...in which case...it's always a good rule of thumb to leave the number and address where you are goin' at the current place you are stay'n...so it'll make it easier fer the cops...
to locate yer body...so i always put my angela lansbury cap on when venture'n to unknown territories

turns out all the rules were thrown out the door...cuz when i walked thru what would now come-2-b-known as the "pearly gates"...i won the long shot!

as the door opens...i hesitate briefly before invite'n myself in...his cherry red ikea fold out couch looks like a million bucks in his studio shitbox...
as did his split bamboo curtains from target's safari collection

we stare...look'n into each others eyes...at our reflections...make'n sure we're picture perfect in case the camera's were roll'n

it's as if he had just walked off the cover of someone's fav-o-rit porn mag
(no need to adjust yer vision kittens...this is ACTUALLY HIM in full bloom)

he wraps his incredibly toned arms around me...
carress'n my incredibly toned A double snakes

we fall dramatically backwards into his couch bed...which was remarkably open...and as i leaned over to turn off the lamp and the modular furniture
faded into the mist...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't be kissed in years...and he wanted me...he wanted me inside him...but all of a sudden i said STOP!...do you have any rubbers?

would you mind putt'n one on?...while yer at it...make it 2!
and i would feel just a whole alot better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area...we all know we've both been around!

i stopped...in the name of love

but i just wanted him to know...that no matter where...no matter how far...i want him to be able to look up into the sky and wish on his lucky star...cuz if he should ever need me...i'll be there in a hurry on that he can depend...
and mister (what's yer name again?) please don't e-v-e-r worry!
ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no valley low enough...ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you hoo!

hmmmm... i know i've heard that somewhere before?

he asked fer my name...and i thought what's the harm in that bit of info...

anyways...all in all...i give his performance...3 1/2 monkey spanks outta 4

well...that's my trip kittens...hope you enjoyed yer voyeuristic view and fer those gett'n ready to point fingers and judge...i assure you...no money...or canned goods were exchanged...just 2 ships that passed in the horny nite!

now get off my dress!

Monday, April 6, 2015

GOOD GOIN' STRANGER

imagine if you will...the brilliant glow'n lights of the Emerald City...
tagged in a kaleidoscopic casserole of graffiti art...
throw in a bored suburban housewife...
with an irresponsibly vunerable...adventurous con artist...
toss in some stolen earrings and a killer jacket...
and you have the make'n of the breakout 1985 classic...
released on april 12th in 1985...also known as my lil brother's birthday

this screw ball masterpiece is still is as fresh as a summer breeze today...
set in the concrete jungles of the BIG APPLE...starr'n ROSANNA ARQUETTE as "ROBERTA" the unsatisfied new jersey homemaker...and like most 'burban bitches in heat...desperately longs to change her mundane marriage and begins a quest to find herself and her desires in the big city
and introduce'n a fairly unknown at the time...MADONNA as "SUSAN"...a street savvy con artist live'n off of everyone...on the crumble'n pavements of the east village...with a fantastic sense of style...ferocious survival techniques...and full of sexual flirtation
also starr'n Laurie Metcalf  of pre-ROSEANNE fame...as ROSANNA's nosey nancy sis-n-law Leslie Glass
and Aidan Shaw as DEZ...the hot-to-trot movie theater projectionist just barely scrape'n by on his good looks and generous soul
ROSANNA beat out a bevy of beauties considered fer the role like...
 DIANE KEATON,,,GOLDIE HAWN and BARBARA STREISAND
MADONNA barely snagged the role from seasoned actresses like...
MELANIE GRIFFIN...JENNIFER JASON LEIGH...KELLY McGILLIS and ELLEN BARKIN and even songstress SUZANNE VEGA
 AIDAN was practically given the part as DEZ...
since KEVIN COSTNER and DENNIS QUAID  thought it was beneath them to play 2nd fiddle to 2 strong lead'n ladies

considered a chick flick that was only liked by women and gay men only...
it took a while to find a studio that would pick up the script...but eventually ORION studios gave it the green light and was directed by SUSAN SEIDELMAN 
who made her directorial debut with the 1982 cult classic "SMITHEREENS
and went on to make her mark in tvland history as director of 

durin' the production when MADONNA was bein filmed on the set...
initially she was mistaken by lookie-loo's as CYNDI LAUPER...
but once MADONNA dropped her "LIKE A VIRGIN" album...
they needed security on the set...
(it's a good thing i was prepare'n fer my low life in high heels at the time with my paper route money...or i'da been sleep'n it off in the clink myself)

shoot'n fer this production began in the fall of '84 and wrapped up...
by thanksgivin' and with almost no post production and disastrous audience previews...the studio wanted an early release date...cuz they assumed MADONNA's career would be over before the movie came out

original ideas fer the poster were gonna have MADONNA on a toaster and ROSANNA on a slice of toast popp'n out of it...or another thought was to have MADONNA stand'n against a brick wall with ROSANNA peep'n over it
these insane ideas of course were thought up by a bunch of uptight middle aged std donors who didn't get the film at all...nor had much enthusiasm fer the release of the film...but thankfully they used famed photographer HERB RITTS photos in the end...and though the flick cost a measly $5 mill...
with the release of the movie's unstoppable dance hit theme song 
and the market'n genius of BLAISE NOTO who created pins...lace gloves and rubber bracelets to buy...the movie ended up rake'n in a cool $27 mill once it hit theaters...and catapulted MADONNA into MEGA-STARDOM

30 years later...the movie is a sorta time capsule of what lower Manhattan used to be like that no longer exists...how the QUEEN began to rule the world...and gave women the empowerment to make it on their own...
happy 30th b'day to "DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN"

so "GET INTO THE GROOVE" kittens...and puhleez...get off my dress!