Monday, May 14, 2018

NEW MEXICOMA pt.2

last week on NEW MEXICOMA...we were bein inappropriately ignored
and by "WE" i of course mean "ME"...by some grrrrrrranimal popo of Gretna, Nebraska...all cuz of some uncontrollable northwesterly wind...blow'n in from the east...that my chauffeur'n brother barely had control of...
and HEEEEEY...i just remembered...i never got to receive my complimentary strip search...DAMMIT!


and now...pt. 2 to NEW MEXICOMA
so after gett'n my beautiful burgundy...crushed velvet...full length Laura Ashley influenced road trip gown...pattern #69 from the McCall's Butterick summer collection of 69...with a mormon laced neck aplicae...sewn delicately together by a lovely blind mongolian parishioner from my church of "OUR LADY OF DEBAUCHEROUS INCLINATIONS"
completely crushed over my much earned but very unused road side strip search...(and you know how hard it is to get wrinkles outta crushed velvet...don'tcha kittens) i decided to catch a few more winks before we hit our next deplorably disdained destination

captain's blog...05:02 in the am hours...location: York, Nebraska
as we pulled into some off ramp PDQ petro station to refuel...lemme tell ya...i was ready to get off...my A double snakes and get the blood flow'n (as it were)...cuz it felt like my subtle and very suppley plump A double snakes had been sleep'n fer practically 100 years
well...lemme tell ya...there ain't nutt'n new about this town unfortunately (and that isn't a Freudian slip)...from the looks of it
everyone on Scruff was fast asleep...in a proper popper induced coma no doubt...so FYI...we skedaddled outta this PDQ ASAP...but at least i got to change positions with DAH MAN and drift off into another animalistically induced fornicational world

captain's blog...08:30 in the am hours...location: Norton, Kansas
jezus christ on a flakey graham cracker crust TOTO...
i can't believe we're still in fuck'n Kansas!
just from the few momentary looks around before i would drift back off into my deliciously induced redbull coma...apparently...it's not a necessity to own all yer own teeth in this town...but an absolute luxury

captain's blog...10:51 sunny and isolated...location: Winona, Kansas
they say you can never go home...but there we were...
in some sorta uninhabitable negative reality inversion of our hometown 
(of the same name at least)... 
on the main strip...in beautifully dilapidated downtown Winona, Kansas...how could you not be mesmerized by the rustically intricate sidewalk design that took years of plann'n by the president of the local city council (and obviously oblivious locally grown intoxicated queen)...while gaze'n in amazement at the charm'n view of the plentifully bare store fronts that were scream'n out "welcome home town residents and nosy tourists...take yer perversely lame distorted Annie Leibovitz unpresentational selfie & get the fuck out...we're closed!"
CHICO and DAH MAN were forced at redbull point to capture this kodak moment fer my amusement...but it's quite lovely...and it really captures the moment we were all in...at that moment really... 
(it's a portrait Norman Rockwell fergot to paint...someone's son...almost home again...in oils!)
men...make sure to make a pit stop at the local colonic clinic...where you'll find you can still tear up the town...as you tear open his (or hers...if you go "that way") sheer silk chiffon edwardian gossamer petticoat...fer a lil inexpensive and completely responsible fun on a friday nite
i...fer one...was glad to see that the city council had decided to properly label and color code their build'ns fer us pass'n tourists...
as not to be confused with the other beautiful landmarks this town had to offer (which could really explain the low population numbers)...but don't you have a whole new appreciation fer pastel salmon color'n?
and just like our current assministration...this city truly was run down...so it was time to get our A double snakes outta town and outta this state...before we all would end up outta our mind!

captain's blog...13:45 hrs..location: Kit Carson, Colorado
a foreign country to any and all emotions i had left in my fresh...nubile body...it was humid and hot...and i was ready to cash in my sanity just fer a sip of some adult refreshments
why in the H-E-double hockey stix haven't the lil kittens of this lil shit hole town...i'm mean this quaint lil shithole of a town...opened up their roadside teeny tiny martini stand fer us travelers yet?
it's already past noon fer Agetha Christie sakes!
but we made the best of it while stretch'n our limbs and molest'n the towns train fer pure posterity purposes fer the future clans...of course this was the most color we could find in this Cher fersaken'n shithole...i mean...this uninhabitable shithole of a town

as we stepped of the train and scanned our surround'ns...it was like we 
had stepped into a time and space that had long been fergotten by anyone try'n to survive off the land...and i'm talk'n like ever since Miss Kitty was gett'n her "saloon doors" pummeled by Sheriff Dillon...with her prairie heels stapled to the ceil'n...in order to keep her "bizness" under the radar
we found the local museum...AND...alot more...
of course leave to me to find my new best friend...fer the next 15 minutes anyways...THE TOWN HOE...why not!
i was shocked there was still one in existence...but we came across the last infamous mutant tank tractor from the Great Irrigation War of 1869
20 minutes in and i was soak'n up nothing worth salvage'n from this stop so we had had our fill of this destination...and like a any good hooker in heat...it was time to move onto our next destination
tune in next week fer the excruciate'n concussion of NEW MEXICOMA

now get off my dress!

Sunday, May 6, 2018

NEW MEXICOMA pt.1

it had been some time since i decided to take a long ass pilgrimage
to the other side of the planet...to a place i would seriously never ever even consider to visit in a million...if it weren't fer the wine expertise of my absofuckinlutely fantabulous aunt Shirley and her equally absofuckinlutely fantabulous daughter and my saucy celebrity bitten cuz Shelly (yes...she was THAT GIRL in the open'n scene of PURPLE RAIN...deal with it!...i am actually related to a piece of iconic cinamatic rock history...don't be jell-o kittens)

anywho'zll'ding...i was give'n my walk'n papers at work so i figered...eh!
why not!...so there i was...folded up like some cheaply used but stylishly conscious foreign suitcase...trapped in the center square of an overloaded bloated bitch of a U-haul...much like the first hook'n gold digger of the united states...i'm sooo sorry...i mean M-E-L-A-N-I-A (to her pile of mentally deranged pig shit) fer the next 24 fuck'n hours i would come to find out...with my grass fed brother Erin and my kickass nephew Evan
we took off from the beautifully painful picturesque city of WINONA, MN...famous fer 3 things:
the fact that WINONA RYDER was named after the town...true story...i read all about it in my teen beat magazine back in the mid late 80's...
the best kept unfranchised bakery in the entire fuck'n world...BLOEDOW'S..the maple long johns are simply to die fer i swear to jesus crist on a flakey graham cracker crust...
and of course...ME!...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe

our destination vacation...Albuqurque, New Mexic...a foreign country
 well it might in the H-E-double hockey stix should be fer crimminy james...i felt like i was about to board the USS Enterprise and boldly goin where no unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe should ever go

after feverishly runn'n around all day try'n get myself together...
pack'n my bags with the must-have essentials... my body hugg'n unmentionables...
a tooth brush...to keep the shitter shine'n pearly white fer my aunt
 (she's a bit of a high maintenance kinda gal...but she's mine)
and a bottle of my best vintage cloroform jean nate after bath body splash...
to help lure a suitable contestant of course...to come on down...ON ME! (hey...don't judge..it cuts out all that worthless gibber gabber) plus...it's been like a 5 whole days...i've suffered enough! (ummm insert skittish laugh here)...the follow'n is the actual events that happened...

captain's blog...20:30 hrs central standard military time
there we were...off and runn'n...i knew i was already subconsciously regrett'n this trip
but to my credit...i made it a whole mile and half to the gas station...before my claustrophobic inclinations would kick in to high gear...and i would end up...ass up in the wind...ready to call it a nite...
hey...i can barely handle gett'n into my even'n gown (cuz you never know when yer gonna get snapped by the paps) just to drive to the grocery store...that's directly across the street from me!
2 minutes later i realized i had fergotten to pack my fav-o-rit highway heroin that i had already fergotten once...fer the 2nd time...so i sent in a request to my driver (formerly known as my grass fed brother who doesn't take requests) who said "2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it!...umm...esqueeze me...
BUTT...
do you not know who I AMMMMMM? (what does an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe have to do around here to get a lil attention?)

captain's blog...01:45 hrs into the a.m. Ames, Iowa
by day 2 we had FINALLY reached our first colonic break...
(cuz i was seriously ready to make a family sized meatloaf for 4) 
otherwise known as cornhole country of the midwest kittens...only 4 hrs in...and already my boots weren't made fer walk'n any more cuz my hooves had swollen to the size of a water buffalo
as my brother filled the tank and snacked on his gluten free...taste free...cancer free...tofutti grass shit...my nephew stretched to check out how many swipes he had left on his tinder account
i on the other hand...needed to be pumped and dumped on aisle 7...i had zero desire to crawl back into that damn satanic monstrosity of a mobile...but unfortunately...i was out numbered

captain's blog...03:22 hrs into the a.m. Gretna, Nebraska
i knew we had had a rough time this winter...but it was a clear starlit sky and all of a sudden we seen christmas lights flash'n behind us...
well i'll be a monkey's uncle...ain't this some fuck'n Roscoe P Coltrane bullshit...apparently my brother had switched lanes without signal'n... 
even though it was really.the wind that was whipp'n him around like a Dorothy in a twister

as he approached my side of the vehicle...blind'n me with his fleshlight
i noticed his eyes almost immediately...though technically we only hadda give him the driver's ID...all of a sudden...i became a damsel who wanted to be under arrest...so i gave him mine with no hesitation...he confiscated all of our identification and after a few short minutes...returned...lett'n us go with just a warn'n
HEY...i know my rights!...i'm entitled to ONE PHONE CALL and a STRIP SEARCH...and i ain't got anyone i need'a call!

tune in next week fer the continuation of NEW MEXICOMA pt.2
now get off my dress!