Monday, November 20, 2017

oh BOY...BINGO!

so there i was last weekend...count'n my ABC's...and and catalogue'n
my STD's...at a very highly intense game of "where's my metamucil martini?" with a bunch of eye sore dress'n Ben-Gay beauties and my really really REALLY good close friend...oh shit...what's her name again?
hmmm...wait...gimme a minute...it's on the tip of my tongue (really good friend...known each other fer years...owns her own biz)...UGH...dammit it all to H-E-double hockey stix...Vanna...i'd like to buy a vowel please...can i get a Y?
well what in the sam hell?...oh well...once the metamucil martini kicks in...it'll come to me...so anywho'zll'ding...so there we were...me and my non dick slapp'n sidekick that i had just kidnapped fer the day from River Falls, WI...a foreign country...to me...sweat'n it out like a bunch of banshee's in Belize...play'n regular BINGO...
when all of sudden they called my fav-o-rit number fer the win...YES YES YES...165 BIG ONES...ALL MINE...i was completely shocked...after all the 10's of 1's i had spent...from what had seemed like eons...well was really only a couple of weeks total over the past 3 years of play'n with my cuz...but wouldn't ya know it...my world would completely shatter
when 2 other blue rinse bitches would have to ruin my dream of own'n my very own high priced hooker fer an out call fer the next 60 minutes...by popp'n in their jell-O chompers and screetch'n B-I-N-G-O!
CURSES!!!
but i digress undress!
as i took that long forlornly pissed off walk thru the park'n lot to my busted out shit mobile...my cell phone trilogy of terror...informed me of a personal text in my instagram account that i rarely ever check...the follow'n is thee actual conversation that occurred a couple of weeks back :
at first i was like...ya right...why are YOU contact'n ME thru instagram?
then i thought...waid'a'minute...WHY NOT? but this was no ordinary stalker i hadda deal with kittens cuz this HIGH PROFILE stalker was thee biggest i've ever come in contact with
(and i don't mean that in a narcotic sorta way...you damn finger pointers)
WOW...just WOW!
i hadda do all i could do to keep the giddy natives in the deepest corners of my empty soul from escape'n and goin all turrets on myself as i was ready to go center stage dur'in my car concert
with the latest BETH DITTO cd (ps...if you haven't...you must...it's sooo good!)...so i calmed my tits down fer a minute breath'n in and out and opened like a lotus flower...while chant'n nam myoho renge kyo...as i waited patiently fer his reply
i thought...hmmm...yea could'a at least threw my a complimentary bone MISTER SISTER...with all the damn benjamins i doled out to travel the corners of the globe in cognito to just getta glipse of  ya since you've been like my POP GODDESS since 1982...but anywho'z'll'ding...so BOY's reach'n out to MEEEE fer a "confidential" project...that is too big fer his own mgr?...this was GIGANTOR!!...this was better than winn'n anything at BINGO...the POWERBALL...
this even beats out front row tickets to CHER's colonic!
so of course i hadda play it off r-e-a-l cool cucumber and all without...you know... look'n like i really had time to deal with him or his secret affairs
i thought...maybe he needed a new make-up artist?...or maybe...he heard me lyp sync on stage once and wanted to record a duet?...or maybe...just maybe...
he wanted me to play him at the revival of TABOO?...who knew!
so i knew at this point...it was time to write my resignation letter and pack up my past...cuz when a superstar with his background says he needs somethin' done...you don't ask what it is...you just do it!
hmmm...hold up...waid'a'minute...let me put some grove in it!...a mega force of nature like BOY...
want'n lil ol' me to pull off some Boris and Natasha bullshit in the middle of the nite...so his mgr doesn't find out?...uh huh...somethin' don't smell right...but i was still intrigued enough to believe this was actually a genuine request that would most likely never transpire...but just in case...like a good falter'n catholic that doubles down at his or hers death bed in the off chance all those CASPER crusaders were right...i still believed...just'a bit...(hey...can ya blame me?)
i anxiously awaited his response with tuna on my breath...(keep yer mind outta the gutter) but of course...i hadda put in my 2 cents worth...ya know...just so i don't look like a complete A double snakes if this ain't the real deal
well by now i was quite sure...if this was ACTUALLY BOY contact'n me...it was a mistake...cuz he knows i'm well worth MORE than 20%...so i figered he had put just a lil too much Imodium AD in his earl grey tea...and hit me by mistake (i was crushed)...but i thought.on the OFF CHANCE it's not...i might as well give'm my digits...it ain't gonna hurt none
and so i did...
turns out...it was just some damn hacker that created a fake BOY account...if i ACTUALLY looked closer at the instagram header...i'da figered it out...(this is BOY's actual account if you wanna follow him...why not!) so of course my dream of gett'n outta this shithole and gett'n on OPRAH was shattered...what else is knew?
BUTT...
since we're on the subject of jokes...if yer look'n to purchase lil ol' me a lil quazi consolation christmas prezzie to soften my utter fantastical humiliation...
you can do that HERE...(PEETRINELLA...i'm just say'n...christmas is around the corner and you don't wanna suffer the same xmas fate as yer lovely sis...do you?)
but before i go...BOY...if yer read'n this (and i know you are) FYI...i'm still wait'n on that blog interview...kisses QUEEN!

now get off my dress!

Monday, November 13, 2017

clown carnage

i've always had a HUGE fascination with clownage in any form i can get it
though i never did get to experience it first hand at any circus that i can recall as a small pre pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...i had always hoped someday day it would happen...well...minus at that damn animal cruelty that goes along with it that we've learned over the years...it was not the greatest show on earth
my 1st experience with the creepy cackleage finally came as a kinder beaner...watch'n in anticipation the BOZO THE CLOWN show at my grama Lorraine's on 3rd street...all while eat'n my boo berry cereal and roll'n her cigarette's...before i would head off to school fer the day...the one important life lesson i would learn durin' that time in the mid 70's was of course to make make sure they were rolled high and tight...and yea know what?...even though i never smoked a cig in my life (i've always said i can find more longer...dirtier things to stick in my mouth besides the ass end of a cigarette) i've learned to keep my A double snakes much in the same manner
by the late 80's...i was all over the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE...thee best B movie ever made...that's not an opinion that's just a fact jack!...but i just wanna know when in the sam H-E-double hockey stix are the CHIODO brothers gonna follow up with a trilogy like every movie that's been bastardized since STAR WARS
when it comes to clowns...you either are in love them or are terrified relentlessly by them...there is no grey area
well...unless of course you build yerself a dolorean and go fer a lil trip smart ass

with the current unfortunate clown cabinet runn'n the country since jan...
i can honestly say they have fuck'n ruined it fer me (fer the time bein' anyways)...the only thing that's been legitimately passed...is their bowel movements...and that's only becuz of ALL the politically spun bran flakes they've had to choke on since take'n office
ever since the fire'n of  comrade clown FLYNN...who only lasted a full 25 days...that i became completely obsessed with watch'n in my hotel room at the Flamingo fer almost a full 24 hrs...when i was on my 1st trip from H-E-double hockey stix in Vegas last feb to see CHER

Monday, November 6, 2017

BANG! BANG!

i think CHER said it best when she sang all about it in that one song...
with that in mind...if thoughts and prayers were like nuts and berries...we'd all have a bowl of granola

so another "big bad" lone wolf shooter makes the front pages yet AGAIN...
in Sutherland TX on sunday this time...end'n the chapters to 26 innocent...perhaps not...(let's be optimistic...i mean realistic here)... kittens...14 of them bein' under the age of consent...maybe even some of them were my weekly readers...which really pisses me off...but alas...we'll never know...well...that is until i'm able to use my dismal star power and gather a group larger than Britian's "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...America's "WE ARE THE WORLD" & the WWF's "LAND OF A 1000 DANCES" combined...comb'n the ends of the earth to find out...i'll be take'n yer  donations at www.gofuckyerself.com

i of course mean this as a very light hearted joke...cuz that's what it is...
these days...#45 or absolute pig shit (which ever yer refer to him as today) and his lobotomized brain dead CASPER crudsade'n followers...and...those who are just the average run of the mill CASPER crusader...scurry to social media in ALL forms...to see who can be the 1st to send out their "thoughts and prayers"  delusional mind numb'n voodoo sorcery to the masses and get credit fer it by Anderson Pooper read'n it live on the air or any of the many other news "personalities"
but ONE lone wolf...with an unkempt amount of facial foliage...kills 8 (and harms a handful of others lets not ferget) and our pussy grabb'n prezimental screams from the top of his seething...high in saturated fat lungs..."DEATH PENALTY"...
well...that is a purdy scary beard y'all...and Jezus would skin him alive if he were around taday pull'n that bullshit...you kin garentee it!
but how did this lone wolf do it one might ask?...hmmmm...he's a terrorist with a beard...i bet he did it with a semi automatic sawed-off AK 47 Uzi shotgun with booster rocket engines right?...ummmm NO!...he walked into a homo depot in NY...and plunked down i'm assume'n was only $39.95 fer 2.5 hours with no hidden fees or mileage charges...which really is yer best option when try'na cause a commotion...in case yer wonder'n
but let's back it up a bit...wasn't it just last month...that a lone wolf...worth millions...gunned downed 58 to an early grave and injure'n roughly 546...give or take a few...just like the video game CALL OF DUTY...from a Vegas hotel...well...his face is a bit outta facial hair control...
but so was James Gandolfini at times...but the one thing he had in common with all these "lone wolves" must'a been that they all were of german/irish decent...and any SANE person knows...a simple pimple solution to that is of course to bake somethin' that freezes beautifully...to all those afflicted...and leave it to the current WH admenstruation and Lord GUT-ROT golpher say'n this was not a political time to talk about gun control...we need to send delusional brain waves of sympathy to the families...friends and former hook-ups to all those who were touched by this awful awful tragedy

seems to me this has happened once or twice before...didn'it?
could someone please refresh my memory fer a minute and explain to me which Muslim country these mental cases came from?...cuz i can't seem to remember!
hmmm...how well did all yer "thoughts and payers" work in those situations?

seriously kittens...fuck yer candles and yer cankerous kumbaya's...
wake up and smell the "paid fer by lobbyists" coffee kittens...
this ISSUE has ZERO to do with some green skinned gimp with a glandular problem...creep'n into yer house in the middle of the nite to take away yer pow pow machines...
the vomit that the 45th asswipe of the US and his tap dance'n around the subject monkeys like Ryan are spew'n have absolutely ZERO to do with the gun issue
it's ALL about one thing...and ONE THING only!
ya know...at this point...i'd believe more in conspiracy theorists
 paint'n the picture say'n this was all just another small scale "OSWALD moment" to distract everyone from the real issue

so get off my dress!