my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all…i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n a ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...
know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...
unlike those other store bought brands
i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do
with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
(insert "how precious" awww here)
(insert "how precious" awww here)
the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund cuz i needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...cuz my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it
my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams...and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n
(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)
when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya! ROBBED!!!
i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop
but when i was Boy George from the 80's...i beat out the dead Michael Jackson fer the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins
when i was lil red ride'n hooker at a VFW in Burnsville, MN with my aunt goin as a blood suck'n politician...it was like a disaster
this year though i'm think'n to skip the hot factor all together and go a lil more sadistic...but we'll see if i break down though to show some leg at the very least...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this season...with some Crisco and a kleenex
the original HALLOWEEN...
and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
all cancelled each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...
though it's been remade more than beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta hot...and what self respect'n freek out there
hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!
plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich
even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years earlier…
but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic
a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes
he just creeps me out all together...and that's kinda hot!
7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)
very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac
6. THE CONJURING
based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer fer in a demonic minute...
5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…
eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!
4. WRONG TURN
nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington
(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)
3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)
this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again
(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)
2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-
p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!
who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!
1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK
this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…
it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE
but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange
after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons
and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…why not!!...all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"
but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself
now get off my dress!