Monday, May 23, 2016

dedication nation

you've all heard that anally retentive tired expression...
"opinions are like assholes...we all have one!"

so once the dearly departed Purple Paisley man himself left the build'n
unexpectedly last month...the music world was at a loss...and regardless what the circumstances were...whether you thought he was a musical genius...(as i did)...or simply thought of him as just another drugged out statistic...either case...does not erase his entire legacy he left on the Minneapolis sound or his imprint in the music world

flash forward to the obligatory tributes that would be presented
to honor his incredible legacy...from Minneapolis to Milan and everywhere in between

when i heard that none other than the QUEEN herself would be
pay'n tribute to Minnesota's own masterpiece...i was beyond excited to see what she would once again pull off to perfection...as she did with the Superbowl years back

but of course anyone...whether yer a life long fan...or just some...bored ageist/uneducated millennial...try'n to pathetically change a bunch of

case in point...this pseudo FB friend of mine by default dime store dj made it public on his page...how though apparently a fan of MADONNA's...
(well i can admit he did dj my highly successful official "REBEL HEART" tour party @ some non heterosexual liquor establishment last october when the QUEEN was in town) was not a fan of Billboard's pick as the QUEEN to pay tribute to the PRINCE...fine...like the statement above...yer entitled to yer opinion...but you also do realize that yer opinion can and will be dissected by whomever happens to see it in their feed...if they're bored  while wait'n fer their nails to dry...so let the games B-E-G-I-N!
as another post post popped up...i decided to post just a simple retort to both their posts
but apparently...no meteorologist could predict the sudden shit storm that was about to go down all from MY SIMPLE OPINION...and lemme tell ya somethin'...homo don't play that!
think'n that the clouds would just eventually dissipate...i continued to wait fer my paint to dry...
  well Miss SENSITIVE CUNT RUFFLE DAVIS...if you thought i was RUDE already...you ain't seen nutt'n yet cuz this is MY UNIVERSE and yer rays cannot harm me here...now be gone before someone drops a house on you too...in the distance...i could tell a tornado of stupidity was about to begin
so apparently Miss Davis had back-up..to back her up...
i guess Missy Thomas pulled up her trusty book of salacious synonyms by desperately try'n to rip me a new A double snake hole with my name
of course by now...the moderator of the post decided to chime in...while i aptly applied a 2nd coat...so of course you know it was time to remove my muzzle
in the old days...this would've been settled with a simple joust'n session on a horse i believe...but OHHH NO!
no...but as a producer/editor/director of Urban Primate Studio in the year 2016 i guess you can...good fer you kitten!...but Miss Thomas would rise up once again and hadda hysterically throw in a lil more lame shade... before she started her home lobotomy perm
HELLO...then Miss "scratch my record" Blowtorch...who easily knew the outcome before the show would even begin apparently...hadda toss her twat into this rectally retarded ring
 by now...the paint had dried and i was fried that my SIMPLE OPINION in the very start could cause a commotion with supposedly educated adults (and i use that term "educated" very loosely) but oh did she tighten her pigtails and pull up her big girl britches and let me have it...
again...HER OPINION...but seriously Miss Blowhard...sweeping the bathroom floors of condoms and cum rags at Paisley Park does not really make you an educated Purple expert...now does it?
except there really was nothing to ACCEPT you dime store dj...it was merely AN OPINION from yer post...SIMPLE PIMPLE!
well again...just cuz he "spins records" pushes buttons on his ipod...and continued to not let the entire conversation go...(well unless she was paint'n  her nails too) she apparently can't figer out that my retorts to other posts were MY OPINION...there was no argument that i started at all...but i believe YOU HAVE!
so in the end...Miss Reeces Peace's...by the almighty power vested to her in her most passive aggressive ways...with the help of her army of FB "friends"...decided she could no longer handle MY OPINIONS and banished me from her page...F-O-R-E-V-E-R...
leave'n me all alone along the informational highway...bring'n my FB army down by one
dear CASPER...THERE'S NOTHIN' LEFT TO LIVE FOR...I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE EM ALL!

well...in the end...as the last remain'n trinity of musical geniuses...
MADONNA did a perfectly acceptable tribute to a friend...musical genius and former flame fer live tv...and the asshats with their OPINIONS weren't even on the entertainments radar and a complete waste of precious time!

now get off my dress! 

Monday, May 16, 2016

what's up doc?

so there i was...shoot'n the shit with one of my old friend's mom...
as old man winter decided to make a surprise visit over the weekend...thankfully without 8 inches (the neighborhood ho' fulfilled that position)

decide'n if ambrosia salad tasted better with tiny coconut flakes or...
mini marshmallows or as a combo package

whether or not we really needed to do the time warp again...
and if ya took away the toup and all the cheetos pressed powder...
the republican front runner Frump...is nothin' more than just the grumpy old geezer that lives next door to you...who smells like old man stew and a splash of old spice...ya know...just stuff ya talk about when you're done with the proverbial BS chatter

when all of a sudden the conversation segued into that annoy'n weezy
 cough i'd had once before...that reared it's ugly head once again fer the past couple of weeks and she informed me to go in and get it checked out cuz it might be mold in my lungs...since i am live'n in some shithole Lavern and Shirley apt in the Wedge area of the Minne-Apple...without any bathroom ventilation 
to which she says...of course...you know if ya do...that means BIG BUCKS!!

though that may be the case after a few years or even longer...
it's so much easier to try on the latest looks from the spring collections of Paris...without try'na haul yer ass around in some 10 ton contraption

so the next day i headed to the local doc's office...
to get my complimentary anal exam lungs checked out from the crypt keeper on staff...who looked like he'd rather be eat'n a bowl of enema's and watch'n a Matlock marathon than deal with my issues...
but i reluctantly gave into his perverted desires and unbuttoned my blouse while huff'n and puff'n a couple of times as requested...as i huffed and puffed my lungs out...i knew i was in no shape to blow anyone's house...mind or anything else down fer that matter...so he sent me down fer my very own glamour shots session of my inner'ds to see what was goin on

as i took that long walk down to the x-ray room...
i was greeted by none other than some Doogie fuck'n Howser MD...i shit you not...again bein' asked to remove my blouse...i might add...without even offer'n to get me a cocktail first...so as he put down his color'n book and i was asked to huff and puff and hold it in as he snapped me fer my close-ups...then sent me back upstairs
as i waited in the upstairs lobby to hear my name bein' called outta the corral of other impatient patients...i thought i'd search on line fer the closest CANDY CRUSH ANONYMOUS meet'n in the neighborhood...since i couldn't get past level 16 fer the past 3 weeks and was gett'n extremely annoyed...
i could'a ripped the head off a over grown illegitimate asswipe Betsy Wetsy doll

finally...my name was called and i was led back to the doc's orafice...
and told to have a seat...hmmm...this never sounds good when yer TOLD to have a seat...
well unless of course...yer deal'n with a hot dominant verbal top...BUTT...such was not the case today

as i sat wait'n fer the inevitable news...i thought...hmmm...
could this be thee adverse side effects from bein' a governmental drug bunny back in my early 20's finally catch'n up with me...or perhaps i took too much antacid in the 90's...i didn't know

the crypt keeper kept silent fer a few seconds...
i thought...ummm...can ya puhleez do yer nom-yo-ho-ho-ren-geng-ki-o another time?...then i thought...OH GREAT!...why wasn't i on the P-I-L-L?...then i remembered...oh yea...i hadn't taken a hot poker up the jaxie in the past 9 months to warrant such an alarm...so what could it be?
well...apparently this doc had gotten his degree from the bottom of some cracker jax box...cuz when my x-rays finally showed up on screen he asked me... 
"what do you see?"

he did not just ask me...what did I SEE?
ummm...thing is Dr. Pepper...i'm a beauty school drop-out...happy to finally be outta the unemployment line i might add...with a master's degree in detect'n bullshit...and come to think of it...what i don't see...is any of those fancy schmancy glorified framed pieces of paper in yer lil orafice here...so why don't ya fake it like yer wife's orgasms and quit play'n 20 ?'s with me...make'n me take off my blouse without the sacrificial cocktail and just tell me what i'm suppose to see or not see...OK?

well...he said everything looked good and prescribed me my meds...
and told me to come back in a couple of weeks if the cough doesn't gone away and he'd consult with a specialist

the experience just left me sorta unsure...even though i was insured...
so i just paid fer my pills and scampered home to a "BREAKING BAD" marathon...and not that i'm one to promote the use of any sorta of narcotic...and apparently i'm 8 years behind the times...i get it meth heads...I'M HOOKED!

by morn'n...i had reread the instructions...
on my bottle of destruction that this "pill" was suppose to do fer my cough...but somethin' inside me said wait til ya get to work and look up the side effects...and thank CHER i did!

the governmental drug of choice you ask?
it was prednisone...used fer a merried of problems...with a handful of adverse side effects...the most common one bein' of MOON FACE from what i read and heard from past users of this medication

needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...
so i decided to get a 2nd...more reputable opinion!

after consult'n with the stars...i decided to throw caution to the wind and break the meds in half and see what happens...but if i come outta this...
look'n like some bloated beauty queen unable to slip into my Gloria Vanderbilts any longer...there will be H-E-double hockey stix to pay...guaranteed

now get off my dress!

Monday, May 9, 2016

bedtime stories

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories…as a very small…
but very important…very up and come’n unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe was…

“WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE” 

i remember my cuz's Carey and Shelly read'n this to me when they'd babysit
i…like Max…had and still have…
a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader…i am read to...period!
but trust me…i will READ you in a minute…if you try and crucify me on yer cross!

move'n on…

so i was reminisce’n recently of other childhood fav’s that i wish i’d been able to have read…but never bothered too…cuz i figered if they were any good…
they’d be turned into a movie…am I right?

so let's take a trip down mammory lane...shall we?


hey...do you remember that classic tale of what to do in bad weather?
“Taking Trips on Rainy Days”

this was the story about Helen Stripmotter teach’n her lil tinker bell…Tommy…the correct way how to cope with the slings and arrows…that will mostly likely be aimed towards him…from classmates and local parishioners...after she found hidden issues of “INCHES” under his britches in his top drawer…while give’n him the proper way to “perform” without scrape’n his teeth against those “throat removers”

and then there’s that one about learn’n to live alone…
“My Parent Are Fighting Again 
(The Story of Timmy’s Home Away From A Broken Home)

this is the story of teenaged angst riddled tulip sniffer Timmy...who decides to take shop class as an elective and decides to build his future in his parents backyard…after mom catches dear old perverted converted dad take'n Timmy's well endowed best friend Terrell on one too many long ass "rides" home...just one too many times...and he's left once again...stuck pick'n up the broken stemware and shattered dreams thru-out the house

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy
“Dear God, Please Kill My Little Sister.”

this easy to read between the lines story…explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the house and his parents full attention and bank account when it was just him... one nite as mom and dad leave to one of those theaters with a “back room”…Charlie is asked to babysit lil Sally…and not long after the front door closes…Sally is sent to bed…but as Charlie turns off the lights…Sally whimpers “Charlie please don’t turn off the lights…I see monsters in the dark”…Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises his left eyebrow in a scowl…“Sally…those aren’t monsters…they’re just yer clothes…try’n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!”…trust me...this’ll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life!

or how about that book that taught you that everything...
“Tastes Like Chicken”

no matter how you slice it...this story was made fer those finicky lil carnivores that never wanted to try somethin’ new

Christmas is a great time to be charitable…but nothin’ says Christmas like…
“Santa Says NO TOYS For Poor Kids”

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches lil kittens of all ages…after ol’ Saint Nick spent years runn’n a sweat shop of hard work’n ungrateful elves…try’n to meet a december 24th deadline…loose’n his looks to his waistline…and the Misses always screen’n his mail…the last thing he wants as a reward is an endless supply of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice…so he opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds…rolex watches…and low ball of cherry infused bourbon served with a lady of the nite to drop his low balls on

and who could ferget the story of mystical imagination in…
“Drugs Are Magic”

here you’ll learn how lil Amanda Peonme went from teenage terror to town tramp…with a lil help from her friends…Mr. Hypodermic Needle…Rubbie Hose…Quay Ludes and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown…and after a nite of non stop party’n…her uncontrollable desires take over…until she has a complete break thru…with her breakdown…discover’n the magic of easy uploadable imagery onto xtube when she’s not in control of the situation...by the next morn'n...at the office

oh my cher!... remember learn'n the cost of try’n to discover yer talents in…
“Will You Stop That DAMN NOISE!”

grow’n up is never easy…especially when yer a prodigy child…try’n to try out fer the school band…with a mother who’s’ been "ride'n the cotton pony" or hang'n out with her friend "flo" (if ya know what i mean) fer the past 7 days while dad is down’n his 7th bottle of scotch while watch’n a marathon of “my lil girl ain’t so lil any more” in his bvd’s
  
you'll be green with envy...while read'n another holiday classic...
"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pippin will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter discovers the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...but alot harder to crack his cracker than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothing says earn'n yer own live'n like...
"My First Meth Lab" 

this will give every lil boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned income she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house" fer try'n to take mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend dancer...to Vegas...until  that is...she discovered daddy wasn't bein' totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it kittens...so take some time out and read any or all of these
 classics to yer lil kittens...to teach them how to become the responsible adult you wished you never wanted to be...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks and appear'n on day time talk shows!

now get off my dress!