Monday, December 5, 2016

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of
someone...to make me look completely unselfish...at their expense of course...
BUTT...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf
senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"
ummm...yea...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution
but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games here...you bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer
up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?
the hungry can starve...
the deplorables can suck it...
and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!
now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me
as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book
it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of CHER...tickets to her "death becomes her" tour next year
or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew me...you know she's like heroin...you just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...
of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the Minne-Apple...so unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home lobotomy...it's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards
i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh geez...how can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!
maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson
outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely machine...it's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads
"ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: the movie"
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985
shut up...it's my thing...plus my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it
how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year

lastly...to be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day
since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they
were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's it...now i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!
kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!

Monday, November 28, 2016

LOVE LETTERS

well a fine hiedee ho to you...we don't have much time...so let's just get...
right down to it...i want ya to close yer eyes and visualize fer but a mere moment if you will...(come on...i can see you peek'n)...well ok...i guess that won't help much with the story i'm about to tell ya with yer cornea's closed and all...ok fine...kick back in yer culottes and have someone read it to ya then you lazy fucker...cuz today we're goin on a lil history field trip...
but kittens..puhleez hide any reminders you have of the year 2016...cuz ya don't need that fuck over moment that Christopher Reeves hadda experience in the 80's...kapeesh?

picture it..the year is 1925
the film "BEN HUR" was burn'n up the movie theaters without have'n to mutter a single word...well cuz it was the year of the silent era kittens
the ankle was finally make'n it's appearance as thee most exotic thing to walk down the runways
a sluethy detective and the king of late nite were born

and a young lasse nicknamed Mickie
but known to most as the matriarch to our large irish catholic family as Viola...
of course...i just called her Grama 
would receive a delightfully charm'n letter from her future luv and eventually my Grampa Edd...that i would never have the pleasure to meet unfortunately...on May 18th 1925
NOOOO!...heaven's to betsy...please don't tell me you guys missed the pie social!
no one speaks of pie socials these days...and that truly saddens me!

3 months later...you can almost feel the giddiness and long'n fer his lil lassie over-whelm him as he put pen to paper...
much like i get when i hear Boy George has a new album come'n out...or one of yer high school bullies is left desolate in disrepair and down on his luck
oh to only live in those days...when everything was soo real and soo authentic...when you actually hadda work at keep'n the relationship alive...
without a simple block or delete button at yer fingertips to end it when you didn't see it fitt'n into yer E true hollyweird story after all!
special thanx to my brother Darrin fer save'n this treasured piece of history

now get off my dress!

Monday, November 21, 2016

do yer homework

well...after doin my annual fall clean'n of all my dirty filthy unsalted ...
adulted emails and such...(that my friend Karen wants to go all gestapo on my ass every time i do it)...but hey i like work'n with a clean plate...i came (well...NOT this week yet...but there's still hope) across a blog i was write'n fer the last school season...so i figer'd there's no reason...to wait...since i'm have'n brain tumors fer breakfast this week and can't think of a gosh damn fuck'n thing to write about without hemorrhage'n my cerebral cortex over the shit storm that's come'n our way via LORD ORANGE ANUS and his band of despicables...thanx to those fuck'n family friendly deplorables 

BUTT...
 i digress!

though many might wish that their high school years was just a plethora...
of musical diddys and dudes...goin from a beauty queen to a bad ass

we all have had our own cross to bear in the trenches of high school...
whether we were just bein' the pin-up or the pinata

Molly was the painted saint fer all of us misfit Gen Xer's out there...
make'n millions off the pain of bein the most popular princess of our teenage angst...who secretly...we all wanted to be...or at the very least...have her as our very own personal BFF

but once the tantrums have faded...along with yer looks...only then...at the 20 year reunion...you only wish'd you'd done everything on a much more grandioso scale...(well not go all Columbine mind you) so you could turn yer experience into some major bank account and get outta yer current 
dead end job...i'm still contemplate'n my book/movie deals with the mucky mucks of tinsel town about my scandalously sordid school experiences...i'm think'n mine probably could be titled somethin' like "footballed flakes" or maybe "locker room liaisons" or how about "screw u2"...now... though these might sound more like porn titles...than pulitzer prize winners...hey...it's my story!

in the mean time...here's the list of my all time fav top 10 high school melodrama's that'll help you create yer very own million dollar box office smash hit you can start penn'n today and skip all that useless therapy

#10 even though this was originally released in 1982...
is the saturated punk classic with a hideous theme song by one Alice Cooper (that's pretty much a  pooper) but it has all the rough and tough tales of survive'n the inner city schools...starr'n 80's hot daddy Perry King as the hot-to-trot teacher teacher and 50's ferry Roddy McDowall...if that ain't enough to scare the shit outta ya...then Michael Fox (before the J) in his Dorothy Hamill do...will do...i swear it

#9 sometimes bein' teachers pet is just not worth the hassle...
with the easily accessible non verbal world of titillation at yer finger tips...this dark tale of on-line chat room chatter...turns the table...and the fable...about a lil red hood and the big bad wolf of a teacher

#8 live'n in burbville sure ain't all what it's cracked up to be...
picture it...it's the 1970's...ABBA is everywhere and yer bein' brought up in an overly protective and religious household...(i can't even imagine)...but you can when you check out this brilliant dark drama starr'n Kristen Dunst...Kathleen Turner...James Woods and Minnesota's own heart throb Josh Hartnett

#7 well beyond my graduational years...the sleeper hit of 2001
made me wish i was back in high school fer just one more year...a quirky flick starr'n neo emo Thora Birch as Enid and her BFF...a very young Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca and her next door nerdy neighbor Steve Buscemi as Seymour...Enid can't graduate without her art class...but gets classed in art by Seymour...all while become'n teachers pet

#6 not everyone feels the need to feel pretty in pearls and perfume
the 1st of my 2 pix fer best high school flix by the ever talentedly beautiful Winona Ryder...as Dinky with her antisocial attitude in check...and the odd ball out amongst her peers...she anxiously awaits the arrival of her birth mother that she thinks abandoned her as a baby...while build'n her ark of misfit animals

#5 "plus it up...plug it up..."plus it up"...need i say more?
as if that first time when Flo comes to town ain't hard enough...if this De Palma classic with Miss Spacek as the telekinetic teenage terror taught me anything about high school...is that you NEVER fuck with the quiet ones...PERIOD!
PS...SPOILER ALERT...FUCK THE REMAKE

#4 how a total crush can really totally crush you to bits
from 1996...being a middle child is never easy...but bein a middle Weiner sux...especially when yer stuck between a nerdy dweeb fer an older brother and perky C-U-Next-Time fer a lil sister...but Dawn manages to find a purpose fer all the electrical circuits rage'n thru her nubile body 

#3 what teenager doesn't feel like their life is fuck'd over?
Christina Applegate as Sue Ellen thinks her last summer before graduation is a free fer all when her mom decides to take a trip down under...only to find out her mother hired a nanny cam marinate'n in ben-gay and orthopedics to keep the clan in check

#2 try'na be the most popular pupil can turn out to be deadly...
is fairly unknown black comedy masterpiece in my mind...filmed in my state of the Purple Paisley yoda...stars a slue of cool funny bold broads from Alley to Ellen...Denise to Dunst...tell'n the tale of a bevy of mid-western wanna-be beauty queens vy'n fer that ultimate meal ticket to become'n the town tramp...I mean that coveted crown of diamelles molest'n yer AquaNetted head and not lett'n anyone step in yer way...or on yer culottes that you hand stitched from the pattern section in yer grannies McCall's catalogue

#1 "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like Mother Teresa?"
my 2nd and ULTIMATE high school trama drama by Miss Winona Ryder as Veronica Chandler and high school hard-on material Christian Slater as the incredibly hot psycho ...is  the masterpiece that was the complete ripped off road map fer the movie "Mean Girls" ...about how to deal with peer pressure and pansy asses...litter'd in classic one liners from beginn'n to end like

for a lil extra credit...i even go one fer those drop-outs
a prequel to the gloriously slap-stick'n series than ran fer 3 hysterical seasons on Comedy Central spoof'n the after school specials of the 80's...centered around Carrie Bradshaw's publicist...this is the story about a Jerri Blank...junkie whore runaway who dropped outta school 32 years ago...who was a boozer...a looser and a user...but goes back to school as a 46 year old freshman to pick up right where she left off

so there ya have it kittens...don't try to remake history...just make it!
now shake a tale feather and get off my dress!