Monday, June 20, 2016

NUMBER 2

don't you hate when this happens to MEEEEEEEEE!
so there i am...mindlessly mind'n my own biz...in concert...off key of course...with Lynn Anderson's "i've been everywhere"...desperately try'na keep my "biz" at a stand still...while i was still still in my piece-o-shit mobile on barely there wheels at the stop light...when the damn thing decided to start'n choke'n on me like a hungry throat plunge'n milker at a frat party on prom nite...desperately try'na come up with a lil silly...but just as crucially important...words of wisdom fer the week...to put my masses on their asses...but i...much like my milky smooth perky A double snakes...was draw'n blanks

then i thought to myself…i said SELF…what haven't you talked about yet?
what's the one topic that seems to elude most water cooler conversations?

i thought about it really hard...grunt'n like a gansta...then i thought…SHIT!

the obvious one being of course…is take'n a ride on the porcelain pony...
while yer try'na make a glamorous inner mission...during the intermission of some crapola production...this breaks down into many subdivisional forms as well kitten...but...ummm...i'm gonna make an executive decision and assume that no visuals are necessary at this time

though these 4 letters can be interpreted in many other different forms…

fer instance...it can be used as an act of irritation…
"you piece of shit!…you gave me crabs"

perhaps when take'n care of some elderly incontinent parent…
"can someone else change grannies shit shorts fer a change?"

a term of endearment to a small child show'n how much you really care…
"awww…ain’t you the cutest lil’ shit!…now run along and get yer mommie a cocktail before i tattoo another wire hanger imprint on yer ass...ok kitten"

a very popular one that's used by many as a sense of entitlement…
"can someone pleez get this lil’ barfbag outta my sight?…i’m a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe…i don’t have to put up with this shit!...do you know how many blind himalayan migrant children it took to hand stitch me this jacket?"

then of course…plenty of parents have used it during a fit of frustration…
"dammit…you lil shit…stop it now…or i’ll give ya somethin’ to whine about"

it’s also a warn'n signal for the giver when turn’n their knee into gristle…
"OOOH SHIT…OOOH SHIT…i’m comin’…I’M COOOOOOOOMIN’!"
(consult yer physician if erectile dysfunction occurs)

unfortunately...it can also be heard as a sign of depression…
fer alot of non homosexual males out there that were plann'n on play'n the fields..."aaaah shit…not again!"

one too many apple-tini’s can be a really really bad buzz kill…
"oooooh shit…get outta my waaaaay…i think i'm gonna blow chunks!"

this would be a good sign you need to start popp"n that ginkgo biloba...
"AH SHIT!…you said yer wife was in a coma...where in the sam hell did i put my panties?"

or if you feel like take'n a trip down memory lane...
"SHIT!…i can"t remember which stall i was told to tap my toes in"

when you have no control on an icy patch at 65 miles per hour…
"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!"

or just when yer in the mood to make-out with "mary jane"…
"now that’s some good shit maaaaan!"

however you slice it…is fine with me…BUT…if you think fer a minute that
yer shit smells like a bed of roses...

call me out on it...i really don't give a shit..just wash yer hands 1st PUHLEEZ...
 and get off my dress!

Monday, June 13, 2016

ne déteste pas...faire un don!

do you remember that one song...in one of my all time fav indy flix...
"como te gusta mi pinga" sung by the hysterically chanteused Steve Hayes from the movie "TRICK"

basically say'n...a certain statement...on it's own...in english...can sound a bit much...but say the exact same thing...with a latin beat...and it's just fine!

the unfortunate events that unfolded in Orlando the other day...
caused emotions to run rampant across the globe of course...from those directly involved with those that were senselessly killed or wounded...to those who were indirectly involved with the events that unfolded inside that early morn'n
everyone grieves and shows their support in their own ways... however they chose to...and with the times we now live in where everything is under a media frenzied "look at me" microscope...a simple show of solidarity and stance made thru any social media outlets...BY ANYONE...shouldn't be scrutinized...dissected and discredited fer their sincerity just cuz of a simple picture...as this was for some of you out there...i won't call them out and point fingers like they have...cuz there's always 3 fingers point'n back at them!
but rather...they outta redirect their anger where it belongs...PERIOD! and do somethin' about it...instead of  waste'n yer energy on an electronical post & check'n out how many followers agree with yer petty post or give'n ANY sort of platform fer those directly or indirectly involved in heinous acts like these by post'n their video's condone'n the tragedies...cuz all yer really doin is give'n them free press...nothin' else

and though i don't particularly participate in kubaya'n at tragic vigils...

WE ALL STAND AS ONE or we fall apart!

and yes this is a war that has come along way...thanx to many that have fought it for us fer many many years...but WE ALL STILL has a long way to go before it's finally over...
oh...and it will be!

now get off my dress!

Monday, June 6, 2016

surf'n the milkyway

not sure how things are taught now in lobotomized class catholic school...
but back in the day when i was but a pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...forced to participate in the voodoo rituals in a classroom full of coma-toasted Catholickers...very lil was told about the tingle'n sensations that were race'n thru our milky fresh pre-pubic nubile bodies

my sex education classes consisted of 2 basic rules :

#1  it's against CASPER's law and absolutely deplorable...
to involve yerself in ritualistic monkey love with someone have'n the same nibbley parts

#2  it's against CASPER's law and the #1 cause fer blindness...by...
"play'n with yer Pee Wee Herman"

"yank'n yer Yoda"

"make'n yer pogo stick puke"

or the hundreds of other nicknames referred to as "wake'n yer nibbley's from their nap"...plus many unscientific studies have proven this was the

well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...cuz the endless hours i used to spend above our garage...once fingers found flesh...after rummage'n thru my cuz's garbage and meticulously remove'n
the gerber servers from back issues of beaver hunt and leave'n me with the pile of tonsil ticklers as visual aids fer my numerous exploratory expeditions

as my body began to change...so did the electricity surge'n thru my veins...and then one day it FINALLY happened...when i was have'n...
"my own private i-da-ho" moment...that the gates of Lucifer opened wide like the nuns spoke of...
and i gave myself my very first "pearl necklace"...which was very traumatize'n at the time...cuz i believed this was a punishment from CASPER thanx to those non fuck'n nuns...so i figered i had to rid my body of this obvious enjoyable evilness...sometimes at the rate of 10-15 times a day until i gave my one eyed willy serious rug burns and could no longer rub one out...
this of course would'a been alot less painful had i know about lather'n up in lubrication while perform'n self-fornication

it wasn't until i joined in on a weekly ritual with the chain wang gang a group friends "patty cake'n their baker's man" above another friend's garage...
that i learned heaven truly is a place on earth...or at the very least...in a buddies garage...they know who they are so i will forgo mention'n any names...besides...they wouldn't fit into my E true hollyweird story anyways

though i am reproductively retarded...i know now as a full grown wanker spanker...this is completely normal and natural act of release'n stress...and there's absolutely nothing wrong with "toss'n yer salad" from time to time...
though these days i just lay there like a dead hooker and let my informational highway speeders do the the duty fer me...i mean i am an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...just make sure at the very least...there's a bucket of crisco near by

recently...a friend told me of how she'd been runn'n thru vats of hair conditioner like it was goin outta style...and with only birth'n 2 moochers...
each of the opposite sex...there was only one simple pimple solution to her conditioner dilemma...though fill'n yer tube socks with yer tube steak was a quick solution to hide yer baby batter...this was not the best solution fer skyrockets in flight...so without embarrass'n the guilty gusher...i suggested she simply purchase stock in the merried of lubrication's on the market these days and slip it in his laundry basket...zero words will ever need to be exchanged...since this is NOT a topic typically discussed between mother and son...
and MOST non homosexual fathers who have penile denial when it comes to teach'n the topic of "spank'n the monkey" would rather their son learn on their own like they did...at the local gym's daily  "romance'n the bone" meet'ns

of course there are those CASPER crusade'n parents out there who are vehemently apposed to the touch'n of any tingly parts with their children...
that they would have to chastise for...so is yer lil Gabriel try'n to "blow his horn"?
perhaps Bethany is become'n a blasphemous bad girl by "sinn'n underneath her linen"?

well don't fret my insane brain dead color'n book correctors...

thanx to the makers at Control Toys...yer prayers have been answered...
save yer son's soul by strapp'n him into this easily assembled cross fashioned after Mary's unbiological mistake from a one nite stand with CASPER...with comfortably adjustable canvas straps to help yer child control his urge to purge himself of all that glorious goo stored in his jingle bells...until he is old enough to walk thru the pits of hell down the aisle...with his annoy'n tax write off...comes in 2 confessional colors...baptismal blueberry and deliver me from evil red

deliver yer daughter's from those evil dances with the devil...by buckel'n her into this blasphemous free jacket...made from 100% pure salvationary cotton...completely hand washable with just enough wiggle room fer yer child to stop and think before they touch their purgatory palace...comes in many fashionable designs...or download yer own pentecostal design to shun them from their friends

have kids that just can't seem to purge that undeniable desirable urge?...

so there ya have kittens...hopefully my insight into the naturally sinsational demonic lifestyle of  "spank'n the monkey" will make you think twice...
the next time you feel the need to "she bop"

 start "turn'n japanese"

or just feel like pay'n a nickle fer just a lil pickle tickle

either way...get off my dress!

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

BOY and Girls are still have'n fun!

a lil history lesson today...picture it kittens...the year was 1983
the spoiled brats of hedge fund families and foreign dignitaries sported the 1st swanky totally rad portable phone...that also doubled as a desperate and daring dildo fer some
cabbage patch dolls turned ordinary desperate soccer moms into rage'n fucktwats clear'n the way fer teen pregnancy to go thru the roof
Hot Lips Hoolihan and the rest of the M*A*S*H unit packed their bags and finally left Korea after 11 successful years on the front lines
while Skywalker hadda intense sword fight with "daddy" at the box office
and the artist formally known as Lieutenant Lush
 and this former rockabilly artist had the biggest hits define'n the year with their unforgettable mind numb'n anthems
flash forward to 30 years later and these 2 power houses are still pack'n the houses and out on the road together fer the 1st time since they conquered and defined the 80's...end'n their tiny tour together tomorrow nite in Vienna Virgina before they hit the road on their own
Miss Lauper finally put on her fav-o-rit shit kickers and is out with a new cd aptly title "DETOUR"
with her take on country covers from the age of the golden oldies like
"FUNNEL OF LOVE"
"WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT"
and "HEARTACHE BY THE NUMBERS" to name a few
click here fer Cyndi's solo date stops
(and just FYI...i'm more than happy to join anyone at any of these dates since she won't be stopp'n in the Minne-Apple this time around...provide'n whoever you are...u provide me with an airline ticket...a ticket to the show...and at the very least...a 3 star hotel...that you won't be stay'n at of course...well unless yer Johnny Depp or Johnny Depp adjacent)

then...my BOY is back and better than ever after finish'n his run
as guest judge on the british version of "THE VOICE"...and ready to hit the road once again
with all his original boys from the band
doin their 1st major world tour in years...kick'n off their world tour down under in Adelaide Australia on june 6th...of course i'm like a giddy lil school gurl over the moon...
anxiously await'n to see them once again in...my home state this time...where i won't be poked and prodded by insecure security over a damn belt...on sunday july 24th @ MYTH with my cuz's and a plethora of eventual desperate future stalkers i'm sure
and hope'n this is FINALLY the year that i'll finally get their 1st full length album in years
(that incidentally i might add..i had bought and paid fer 2 years ago now) 
tentatively titled "TRIBES"...with the hit single "MORE THAN SILENCE"

there ya have it kittens...so get yer tickets today before they're all sold out...buy their crap here...and get off my dress!