Monday, January 14, 2019

2 fans in Afghanistan

who knew my whimsical words of washed out wisdom would touch sooo many kittens from every nook and cranny across this gigantic globe
from the Big Apple to the Minne-Apple...
from Cincinnati to Seattle...
just come'n up with weekly headlines was just half the battle
from a town they call the monks in Nepal
from the Maple Leaf lanes up the southern vineyards of France
touch'n so many of my kittens...was just by mere chance
from the majestic British the bloody Irish Republic...
from far away New the Land Down Under...
who in the world knew that i'd become such a worldly wonder
from Russia with the Syrian nation
from the Amazon the mountains of Peru
i'm so elated to have touched someone like you
from Juan the Chilean sights
from the Pinata the African horn
some of my far away fans have even done porn
from the sweats shops in the sand dubnes of the Arabian Dessert
from the Pyramids of the Great Walls of China
my fans are my friends...well...sorta friends...kinda

but the biggest surprise of all you see
are my 2 biggest fans in Afghanistan...who take time to read me!

i've never had the pleasure...but read about you in the news
i hope my words have touched you somehow...and helped wash away yer blues
i wonder if yer hungry...or just part of the war
were you on duty?...or was i just a bore?
are you part of the Taliban?...or were you just on vacation?
but i guess either way...i'm happy to help in some way from yer war torn nation
and though the miles may tear us...from far...far apart
i want you to mean the most to some of my heart
so 3 cheers to you...and all of the rest
it's time to bid auf get off my dress!

Monday, January 7, 2019


last week on TWINKIES...Baby Jane Hudson became uncontrollably
consolable into a fit of hysterics...known'n that Nancy Pelosi and the dems finally took control of the house and are ready to toss a massive molitov cocktail to our unfortunate lie'n sack of bloated pig shit and his band of fucktwats that have been toss'n 'em all over the place fer the past 2 years
ok M-A-Y-B-E it was exactly about her at all...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those bad...but deliciously tacky...Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up what the hell is goin on...before move'n on

and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to TWINKIES...

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our tastebuds
 dance'n til was 6 bags of monetary value...SCORE!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car
and hatched a plan...completely ignore'n the mountain of unopened to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!

1st on the list was to completely alter our pick'n up 3 different
boxes of change our luscious locks to a completely different look than we had previously to our life of crime (see...this is where Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked up if ya ask me)...i decided to go with a warm chestnut...if anyone asks

next up was to purchase one way tickets to some foreign country...
at the time i thought Ottumwa Iowa seemed i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop and talk about his time in the trenches...hey...i just figered if we layed low fer the next 3 to 5 years...
(cuz i was in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all meet up at some undisclosed rendezvous point...but after we figered there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work...he just dropped me off at home and went on his way to his

Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia
so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger by the time i finally made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...turns out...i had 2 full bags of quarters...and devised a plan to cash them in...but that would have to wait til morn'n

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream
 bucket jammed to the top with their morn'n stomach fillers... 
and turn'n on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n keep the lil monkeys quiet while i tried to figer the best way to cash in my loot

i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from
 Joan's cann'n collection...turns out i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the i packed them neatly in my pack back 
and off to the bank i flew before they would close by noon...and too my surprise...i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name...that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old...since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the Winona Shopper

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless...and i was in no mood to
 play warden with my new i called Big Lipps to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC...( millennial's will never get to experience of a 1000's of click  click click's of cd's case like us gen X'ers)
once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me in the the simple low low cost of $ could i go wrong?....this was totally an omen...cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never have went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend...and since there was only one dark lavendar Culture Club wallet was meant to be

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home
but my younger sibs were gett'n restless since the saturday morn'n news was come'n to an i decided to be the resposible big bro and hop on my huffy to the local video rental store and find somethin to keep the monkeys tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered try'na figer out how to wisely invest my new found winfall
after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted on "ET" if i remember correctly...and a lil unknown...but important cumm'n of age foreign flick "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (but that was fer my own personal view'n with some of  my friends)

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand
 new dark lavendar Culture Club wallet contain'n my $355.50 in my back pocket where i kept immediately and quite frantically...i ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets...and after 10 minutes or so not find'n it...i figered i probably dropped at my i huffyed my plump and oh so supple A double snakes home as fast as a hornet...flipp'n my entire bedroom apart...i coiuld feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly felt like the princess trapped in H-E-double hockey stix...with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store
to ask the 2 town whores work'n part time behind the counter...if anyone had turned in a which they both said (in unison i might add) " one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

waid'a'minute!...i never said what kinda wallet it was!
the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro's...who weren't play'n not ONLY did i forgo the video rentals fer my sibs (and that one video nasty fer me and my friends)...i also didn't get to relish in my new found wealth any longer...worst of all...
even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me

moral of this story is ...karma is more than just a chameleon from the 80's
and that twinkies are not the chemically treated deliciousness that we were lead to believe!
now get off my dress!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can possibly be charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream i fergot to not remember...ever!