Monday, February 13, 2017

much ado about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

so after bein' reminded over the weekend that many a people around me
even those close to me...still have little interest...if any at all...unless it affects them directly...and not about those around them...i'll leave you with this one lil reminder...


now get off my dress!

Monday, February 6, 2017

perfect time'n

let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time...shall we kittens!
it was the winter of 95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in 91...when i met my very first Minne-Apple
"friend" i made off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...
 before all the .com's and grinder's came into production...named Curtis...he was this statuesque blonde...which...unless you were some peroxided pariah like my high school hard on Billy Idol or Madonna...
i normally had zero interest sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room but Curtis had a presence...and though it only amounted into an occasional hook-up from time to time...i was hooked on him...unfortunately he was also hooked...but on other sorta "recreational entertainment" 
that i just couldn't participate in...due to that republican toothpick...Nancy in the 80's...gett'n under my skin

it took roughly 2 months to finally find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least part-time anyways)...as he was worried about my reaction apparently...and told me i was never to grace the stage...but years later...there i was and i would carry that same torch when i meet any potential interest...luckily for me though...i don't give two fucks about others reactions to it anymore! 
so Curtis took me to work one even'n...which...at the time...felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me...(unlike the dilapidated shit hole it's unfortunately become these days) cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter any bar...
and goin from flats to fuck-me-pumps...was a HUGE deal (much like me)...i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by it on the bus head'n to work...and so desperately wanted inside this pandora box...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my granimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm...i was totally over the moon when he told me he was an actual perform'n illusionist and he could get me in to meet the rest of the performers

my 1st taste and fascination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to being sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey
my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show...his guest that day absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin
Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet)...but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation...back from the dead...cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection! and of course Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY
i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!

early one morn'n...at roughly around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...
ummm...ya right!..."i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye"...i recall mutter'n from my narcoleptic nap
curiosity killed this C-U-Next-Time...and sure enough...i go to the window downstairs...and seen this huge ass black stretch monstrosity on wheels...wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on my over-sized studded jacket (to give me an impossibly smaller waist than i already had...at the time) and my imitation doc martens and out the door i flew like a humming bird on crack
as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the Minne-Apple...EVER! alnog with Annie Lennox...Marion...Miles...Curtis and some other gurl (who's name i can't remember at the moment cuz my metamucil martini kicked in)...who took me on a tour of the Minne-Apple i'll never ferget

over to that gal's house who was gonna make it after all...
then down around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop...and all 6 beauties got out...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns...and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge from the previous nite...as me and the limo driver busted our A double snakes off  in the limo...laugh'n like mad

a postcard that could totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"

2 years later...Curtis would surprise me with tickets to see my high school hero perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him...but even though it never transpired...i was on cloud 9
BOY's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club...but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz of some non heterosexual's who couldn't shut their traps and was...i'm guess'n...not feel'n very friendly to any of his fans at all

2 years after that... i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most excellent cd "cheapness and beauty"
and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "take it like a man"...why not!

contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock
well...that's cuz...as the mgr told me...i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...i nearly died!

2nd times a charm right?...HA!...does NO go with WAY?

the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look..
and with the A-OK from my dear dear Peetrinella...i could barely contain my urinary track...from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener since the tender and supple age of 13 when he said so eloquently "do you really want to hurt me"
i had paid for my cuz...his wife and her sis's tickets...all i wanted in return was a couple of cocktails...which my cuz had no problem with fill'n me up

i ran into the 90's mgr in the lil wrangler's room of First Avenue...
where BOY was perform'n that nite...and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his molesterary fingers...yea right pervie!

so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage...(though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite)...that as the BOY started in on his band's anthem of the 80's smash "karma chameleon"...
i proceeded to blow chuncks at his feet...
fer all that i don't remember that nite...(which was about everything after the bathroom incident)...i was completely mortified! and he gets my undie'n appreciation...paid in puke!

it took 3 times...but i would FINALLY meet BOY during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway
and it was a total chance encounter that i would meet my childhood hero (and no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp...you pervie...but trust me...i'da gone there myself if i was read'n this know'n me)

i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it
and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time...but i digress!

it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...
if i never watched Phil...i never would've been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there...and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest...and if i never entered that look-a-like contest...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!

it's rare to meet someone whom you've looked up to all yer life or to meet someone who's inspired yer destination in life...i've met them both

10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky
i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage...(though it's been sometime...but don't fret kittens...i'm still very much alive) and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?
then i think he'd just say  "guuurl...you look SICK!"

now get off my dress!

Monday, January 30, 2017

BRAVO...BITTER BETTIES

the good ol' days of original good television programm'n...
are long gone...unfortunately

ever since the absolute brain dead explosion of all that "reality" tv...
every rich bitch'n vaginal scab...from Orange County to the Big Apple on the annoyingly popular BRAVO series...
have done nothin' productive but turn the middle class into desperately drunk barbie dolls 
still try'na fit into their ill-fitt'n prom dress...wonder'n where they went wrong

well don't worry my couch sloths slurp'n yer zima and choke'n yer tuna hot dish...cuz the reality shit show is about to heat up and hit the over head
 ceil'n fan this fall...with BRAVO's all new season
starr'n Miss Lahren..."if he ain't Aryan...heck...then we ain't marry'n"...(insert the twirl with a screech'n owl sound here) as the half baked spit fired sorority slut...who can alphabetize her STD's faster than her ABC's
also starr'n Ivanka..."the only think my father wants to do more than fuck over America...is me!" (insert the twirl here with some sparkles) as the FIRST incestually desired daughter 
and KellyAnne..."oh no...the alternative fact of the matter is...i never said what i just said!...wait who just said that?" as CUNTESS CONN'D-HER-WAY-IN (insert a constipated tiresome dizzy twirl here)
and of course the back drop of the whole season...M-E-L-A-N-O-M-A...as the cancerous slovenian stain...that was bought and paid for in full...to make her maker not just look like some pile of deflated  pasty ass ego riddled tax scamm'n loud-mouthed misogynistic piece of shit with teeny tiny eeny weenie pussy grabb'n paws...that can only attract unmoralistic opportunist institutionalized immigrant flies...but that he actually is exactly just that!
(insert blank stare and porpoise noises here)

so there ya go kittens...hope you enjoy the show as much as i am glad i got rid of my cable 15 years ago...now get off my dress!

Monday, January 23, 2017

the ALTINATOR

gather round kittens...cuz i gotta excite'n new story to tell ya

well...after this past weekends unauguratation shenanigan'd shit show

1st off is that comparison pic from the greatest president of the new millennium

try'n to prove who had the most bigley turnout in the history of 
presidential turn-outs...now...at first sight...it looks as though that Mango Mussolini didn't have as much of a turnout...compared to that of OBAMA back in 2009 of course...what the press had failed so miserably to report on is...that though it may have look'd as if there was alotta empty space on the ground...much like inside Miss K's head...but if the press would'a just used a simple zoom lense...they would noticed...
it was entirely packed with supporters...
but apparently no one on the ground gave the accurate results from the hired ticket counters along the parade route
so Miss Cuntess Conway decided to clear things up by release'n the much anticipated...easy guide to fun facts when you don't want people to assume yer just a pile of mental batshit
it's was a sad day at the Bachmann's residence
and in case ya wanna get a jump on yer shopp'n fer yer lil ones...get the latest must have doll fer this years holiglazed season

so in case yer wonder'n...here are some other fun alternative facts that may be not true...but don't bother try'na verify'n any of em...cuz make'n shit up is way more fun when you don't think you have to be held accountable anymore...like this one...
alternative fact #1...dinosaurs were actually very docile cave cats
alternative fact #2...Lindsay Lohan lost out the starr'n role to Sally Field in "not without my daughter"
alternative fact #23...William Hung has sold more records than the Beatles and Madonna combined
alternative fact #4...Scott Baio is just a sad...desperate...republican...anal wart...just try'na restart his career...well ok...that's really a bad example cuz that one's not so much an alternative fact...as it is just a sad fuck'n fact

thru-out the world this past weekend...surpassed the inauguration of her boss...Lord FUCKFACE CLOWNSTICK...by millions...it simply can't compare to his actual number of brain dead lobotomized followers he had follow'n him on twitter and other social media outlets
cuz really...if you take a poll from all the Helen Keller's in the entire universe...it never even happened!
she's sorta like a presidential terminator...drunk on dramamine...but with less mass appeal...well cuz of her constant c-o-n-s-t-i-p-a-t-i-o-n-a-r-y looks

 now get off my dress!