Monday, October 16, 2017

rise like a phoenix from the flamers

so we're only a couple short weeks away from all hell's even'n…
my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all…i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n a ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...
know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...
unlike those other store bought brands

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do
with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
 (insert "how precious" awww here)
the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund cuz i needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...cuz my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it
my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams...and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a  combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n
(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)
when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya! ROBBED!!!
i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop
but when i was Boy George from the 80's...i beat out the dead Michael Jackson fer the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins 
when i was lil red ride'n hooker at a VFW in Burnsville, MN with my aunt goin as a blood suck'n politician...it was like a disaster 
this year though i'm think'n to skip the hot factor all together and go a lil more sadistic...but we'll see if i break down though to show some leg at the very least...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this season...with some Crisco and a kleenex
the original HALLOWEEN...
FRIDAYTHE 13th...
and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
all cancelled each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTIEN
though it's been remade more than beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta hot...and what self respect'n freek out there
hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM
plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich
even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years earlier…
but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD
a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes
he just creeps me out all together...and that's kinda hot!

7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)
very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac
Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE CONJURING
based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer fer in a demonic minute...
PATRICK WILSON...meeeeouch!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…
eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN
nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington
(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)
this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again
(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-
p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!
who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK
this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…
it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE
but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange
after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons
and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…why not!!...all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"
but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

now get off my dress!

Monday, October 2, 2017

a TENSION TAMER

we've all experienced those...not so pleasant moments in life...
from time to time...when you wanna go ape shit on the next person who asks you to use yer inside voice when try'n to get yer point across
whether it be at yer family's gift exchange'n dur'in the holidays cuz yer parents never got you those cha cha heels you've been begg'n fer all damn year long
or when yer date doesn't return yer text in a timely manner...so you spend all day cook'n up a tasty bunny soup...even though he told his wife was in a car accident and put in a self induced coma
or maybe it 's cuz someone brought you another damn green bean casserole to yer loved one's funeral luncheon
whatever the case may be kittens...take off yer temperamental tutu...cuz today i am sitt'n down with the perfect tension tamer to tame those restless natives dance'n around to that jungle music inside yer head

among her many numerous accomplishments from the big screen to the lil screen...today's special guest has worked tirelessly fer the past 27 years
as the break out star from the 1999 non heterosexual romantic comedy smash hit "TRICK"...starr'n a sexually frustrated ivory tinkler...a hot to trot stripper and some annoy'n 90210 has-been...with the most poignant facial line ever used in cinematic history...that i unfortunately experienced literally weeks before i rented my VHS copy at my local blockbuster store
"ever get cum in your eyes Gabriel?" (and it does...no joke!)
in 2001 made a guest appearance on an episode of  the hit series
"WILL & GRACE"
(which...THANK CHER...it's FINALLY back on the air)
and then in 2003 as one of the headliners in this brilliantly hysterical bust yer panty lined comedies "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS" that'll make you think twice about ever cross'n queen

today's guest has performed across the globe from stage to screen
 and everywhere in between...of course i'm talk'n about the one and only Bronx beauty MISS COCO PERU

thank you sooo much COCO fer take'n time outta yer busy schedule to entertain my flock of kittens thru-out the globe...so let's get right to it...

you been slapp'n on yer very distinctively subtle war paint with yer 1st show "MY GODDAMN CABARET" in 1992 and have been travel'n the globe entertain'n the masses who sit on their asses ever since...tell us what can the audience expect with yer latest words of wisdom this time?
People who have seen the new show have been telling me how current it is and on point and that is satisfying to me because you always hope when you write that your stories resonate with your audience. Things are very tense right now in the world and I address a few things that have made me tense recently and try to work through it by sharing my personal stories and I think storytelling and taking the time out to gather as a group and connect is important to our sanity.

with yer brilliant series "CONVERSATIONS WITH COCO" where you've interviewed many great LGBT icons like BEA ARTHUR...JANE FONDA and most recently LILY TOMLIN that you taped for a series hopefully soon to be on television (that i'm glad i got producer credit for w/my donation) is there anyone yer really die'n to interview fer yer series?
I have interviewed both Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin so i would love to complete the Holy Trinity
 and interview Dolly Parton.
Of course Cher as well! So many possibilities, really!

you have a very distinctive and iconic look as perform'n illusionists go...i have always thought yer look was inspired by a 60's socialite party hostess...with yer appropriately cut dresses and yer equally distinctive sassy brassy Patty Duke flipped do...tell me COCO...do you ever feel pressure from dime store queens to change up yer fabulous firey flip?
YES! I address that very topic in my new show! Secretly, I think the other queens are jealous that I have a simple hairdo that requires very little work. When i created COCO I thought it was important to create a look that people would easily recognize and then stick with it.

with television and the internet bein' saturated with make-up tutorials and
do you think that the whole art of drag...as it once was...has now become much too main stream and lost its intrigue and mystery it once had?

NEW FLASH! Everything changes! I love the Boulet Brothers, I know them personally and I think they have done wonders for nightlife here in L.A. and also, I love that they celebrate the freak and the grotesque. I have always said drag is so much bigger than what some people think it is. Still, there is something strange about drag going as mainstream as it has,
but at the same time I love that teenage girls and their moms bond over their love of Coco Peru looking for Tension Tamer Tea. I'll be retiring soon so at the end of the day I'm just grateful that I have worked for as long as I have doing what I love. It's a miracle! If I was going to take issue with reality TV, and this is true for all reality shows, it is that the audience sometimes make celebrities out of people who are "ordinary."
When i was young my role models were people who trained and had a craft, who had worked years perfecting their art, people like Bea Arthur, Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Robin Williams, to name a few. When I created Coco I knew that if I was going to survive I had to work hard in order to win over an audience and gain a following. nowadays, just being on TV and being loud is enough to make you a celebrity and that concerns me. However, I've been working for so many years and I feel like I have had to figure out a way to fit into this new world and I feel like I do. I love my young fans and I appreciate their support and I love when they call me Aunt Coco and even Mom!

Speaking of things "that bothers me"...what would you like to say to that Melania gal if you were given the chance? (hypothetically of course)
I don't think I would say anything to her but maybe I would ask her questions and my first question would be, "Are you happy?" And then I would look deep into her eyes, deeply, and repeat the same question.

now comes the fav-o-rit part of the interview that i like to simply call... 
"can we talk about ME for a change?"

basically COCO...put yerself in yer best breezy Mrs. Walters smock
& put me under the spotlight by ask'n me ANY question that pops in yer mind under the rainbow that you want to know about me...from family/religion/sexpectations...i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism
Hmmmm! You saw my new show in Minneapolis, so did it resonate with you and why?

i have to say...i have been bust'n my balls fer years (and really...i have...blue balls are no fun)...but more importantly...yer show has the brilliant blend of storytell'n with song...a roller coaster of emotions that brings you back to center stage...it taught me what it means to bring the "inner woman" in all of us...OUT!...
bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am fer the past 23 years...it was beyond eye open'n...littered with many many hysterically move'n moments fer me personally...but it also had many tender moments that made me reflect on some of my own personal regrets from the past...a perfect blend like a pomegranate martini...with just a sprinkle of bitters but pack'n one helluva punch...it definitely made my nite...that i hadda hop a red eye to Oprahville and see it one more time...and you did not disappoint...(even with that self involved A double snake hole in the audience who was try'na make it all about him) it was a beyond an absolute pleasure to meet one of my icons in person...fer the 2nd time...even if i hadda lose a lil bit of my dignity fer pocket change in order to get a respectable photo that didn't make me look like a model fer cerebral palsy (ps...to any of my "sensitive" kittens out there...that's not meant as ANY sorta dig on the cerebral palsy runway models of the world either...so don't call yer state senators demand'n immediate action!)
i wanna thank thee iconic legend MISS COCO PERU fer pave'n the way fer so many girlie boys...you'd be an absolute damn fool to miss this experience! click here fer current COCO dates in yer city and do yerself a favor and just go!

if yer a twatter...follow her on TWITTER here
if ya wanna be her BFF...follow her on FB here
if yer all about the pix...follow her on INSTAGRAM here
if ya wanna watch the COCO experience from
TARGET to tension tamer talks...subscribe to her YOUTUBE channel here

now get off my dress!