Monday, May 22, 2017

rotten tomatoes

sometimes...when hollyweird folk decide to give new breath to classic movies fer the next generation...whether it's cuz technology wasn't there at the time or cuz they were forced to overdose on ritalin as a small child...
it's warranted...case in point is one of my all time fav freak fests from the 70's i seen as a small...but very important...pre pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASCARA...at the time it shocked the shit outta me and made me drop a meatloaf surprise in my garanimals...i thought to myself...i said self  "damn girrrl...layer on those layers for yer own protection"
by 2003...thee original seemed more like kiddie play...compared to when i took myself to see the twisted remake by Rob Zombie in a small theater fer the 10pm show'n out in the burbs (which...in itself...was fuck'n scary enough fer me)...with only 2 others in attendance that nite...sitt'n directly behind me...by the time it had ended...i hadda take that long ass walk...ALONE...under the midnite sky...to my car at the very far end of the park'n lot (cuz i was a moron that nite)...i literally hadda check the back seat of my car to make sure i was in their alone....S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y!
BUTT...and yes there is always gonna be one kittens...
there are those flicks that should never be tampered with at all...for instance like the 1981 mythological masterpiece CLASH OF THE TITANS
sure it was jam packed full of bad edit'n and trumped up technology...but at the time...it was absolute awesomeness at it's finest and forced all us hot wheels hoodlums and strawberry shortcake sniffers who hopped on our huffy bikes and peddled our A double snakes as fast as we could to the 50 cent show'n at our local small town theater on a saturday afternoon...to believe...
that there really were snaky bitches and blind-sided witches out there...unfortunately...that we would have to contend with someday
but when they released a remake back in 2010...i barely made it past the 1st 15 minutes of misery with all it's technological vomitus over blown imagery...that i walked out and asked fer my benajamins back so i could find some discount dick at the nearest dime-store
when freaks finally felt that they to could feel loved after they fell in love with Johnny Depp as the freak with hands made outta kitchen cutlery...it was a magical delight fer all those pre-emo's...and pre-cummers
unfortunately...after the last 120 days (and count'n) who in their right state of mind (besides those brain dead beauty contestants & aerosol huffers from Wal-Mart...and sadly to report...some are actually members of my own fam/friend circle) would waste their hard earned stripper money to see this retell'n of a classic about some bloated cheeto puff who cuts his staff in half and can't count to 10 before he tweets his tantrums delusions of grandeur out about how he's been treated by the "fake news" or late nite comedians
action flicks with dicks were always a crowd pleaser and a teaser fer any tenderly supple teenage terror like myself...especially when the sequel makes plausible sense
however...i...along with 64% (and count'n thankfully) xeno/homophobes...who care about healthcare/medicare and the over all good of the nation...aren't sold on the idea of some Twitter bitch's intent on blow'n up his "facts" to make them seem "bigger" than he real is...along with our democracy and his waistline...even if his core audience still is gorge'n on his his bullshit after all this time...(makes ya cold cock em with a left hook...but you dare not...cuz you know they'd splatter)
it was tough enough to make it thru this chickless flick...for chicks...about 3 grown future hair plug recipients & prozac pimps try'na take care of a puke bucket with bladder control issues...all while juggle'n their careers and their cocks
seriously though...do they really need to waste a big budget on this treacherous trio try'n to control their over bear'n out of control glutton with the button who has the mind of a loud mouthed manipulative schizophrenic? 
this oscar winn'n story between 2 closeted cock wrangle'n sheep herders and their unbridled and very much unspoken man-love fer one another was as breath take'n as the scenery in itself...that tugged at every emotional string one might have...that is...unless yer plugged into a defibrillator to keep yer heart a pump'n

so stop yer porn and pop yer corn...this ones gonna be good...oh yea...and get off my dress!

Monday, May 15, 2017

one fer the cheap seats in the back!

there are many many many methods of madness...
that thee elusively exclusive unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe single non heterosexual (known specifically as ME)...must endure when their non baby make'n machine begins to rattle the natives that are try'na escape the clutches of their confinement...to find that perfect void filler fer the nite...(only cuz i'm just too lazy to commit suicide)
or at the very least...fer the next 5 minutes until yer decide to treat yer AA bestie to HH...so you fire up yer shit mobile to take them out fer a nite on the town (well until HH ends at least) but they decide to trot their A double snakes down to you a mere 30 minutes past a monkeys ass...to plop their perky A double snakes down fer a nite of regret by morn'n...then beg you to be treat them to somethin' off the kids menu!
ummm...you may be a queen with no coins at the moment
but kitten...i'm a queen without a castle...so puhleez don't hassle!

i was recently reminded by a failed attempt at a miserable future with a potential pain in my plump A double snakes how they dumped me cuz they couldn't handle all the bright lites of my fabooshka at the time...cuz of 
their own future insecurities and self imposed exile they would have to succumb to themselves...i of course...had zero issues with said failure then and even now to this day...well accept...we've all changed considerably as time marches on

though it may seem a tad demean'n...it's the world we live in...
us single gentle "laydee's" and not so gentle"laydee's"...have been reduced to sell'n ourselves like a well worn out used car...with plush interior that makes us inferior...to the highest low life you can find on line...under subtle hastags that suit you best like... #polesmoker...#buttpirate...#salamismacker...#onemanssodomandgomorrah #ignorantincubus...#acheapwhore or #THROATPLUNGER...
just to get noticed these days

their is no more inter "action" anymore for the most part...it's just cheap...
enter"pain"ment to pass the time on line...it's like a Baskin Robbins of sexual frustration...many savory flavors to pick from...that YOU or THEY will just...most likely...take a taste test from...with colorful verbiage and pictures...but eventually end up pass'n 'em up just cuz ya don't feel like waste'n yer gas fer some supposed hot ass...plus...there's always a better flavor within walk'n distance that'll never show up anyways
in prehistoric times...caveman would dress up in their sunday best on a friday nite and head out to the local diner to share a brontosaurus burger and head home and pound it out til the stegosaurus's came home
 by the 1800's...it was all about the size of yer hat that really impressed yer slutty suitor
in the 1900's...it was best to wear match'n outfits in case you were caught chipp'n yer date's teeth by some treacherous non homosexual...cuz you could get away with say'n that you were just play'n doctor with yer twin brother...
(oh those tricky lil knob jockeys) 
once the 70's rolled around...you roller skated to the closest Donna Summer discotheque once the sun had set...while display'n the correct color coded hanky in yer back pocket in order to find that perfect fancy fruitcaker taker that you were in the mood for that even'n...or just fer a simply quick afternoon delight

in the decadent 80's...it was all about tight shorts and pricey escorts...
and though it was the rise of QUEEN M...
it was also unfortunately the rise of queens gett'n AIDS...which meant you had to rethink yer animalistic instincts and wrap yer willy in a rubber...porn cinema's were yer safest go to...to go to...to bust yer nut...
(well...A-L-M-O-S-T)
or you would be invited over to yer friends and have an old fashioned ball buster party in the storage space above their parents garage...spank'n it while flipp'n thru their dad's back issues of Beaver Hut magazine...as i was (no names mentioned) but secretly...you were just there fer the salami sword fights

though the 90's were dominated by ritual bathers grunge...
playtime consisted of  phone line fantasies...sidewalk sales and park'n lot predators...though i would turn down 99% of the participants (the margin of error of course is plus or minus 2-20)...only cuz i didn't need another reason to steal the crown away from Miss Penicillin that year...so instead...i opted fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...by stroll'n fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park...fer a ride home...cuz i was too tired to walk
and don't you whores start point'n fingers cuz i wasn't there alone

once the millennium came out...everyone was come'n out...
i fer one...was satisfied eat'n fer one on one fer a change...fer some change...not once...not twice...and by the third time...i knew i no longer wanted to be a laydee of the nite...cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before

now with everything bein' built on mistrust or absolute disgust...
from blurred and/or photochopped pix...most are just absolute on-line dicks with no pricks (hey everyone has their weakness) and it's become'n harder and harder...(and still without the use of a lil blue pill i might add)...to be bothered waste'n yer time or space to get yer motor runn'n

listen...i have no problems with relationships...i've had my share...BUT...
(and trust me...there always is one) 
even though i'm not all fer think'n there is that ONE TRUE ONE out there...i've done my charity work fer the time bein' with the last socially retarded...chemically dependent...and emotionally unavailable but incredibly attractive and very loveable mo's that i found out there...and regardless of all the hoops and fruit loops i'll have to encounter along the way to find "the one" in the distant future...which in all seriousness...
is about as real as the unicorn...i'll still do it all over again...someday!
but let's be real kittens...no self respect'n...self indulgent hussy...from twinkville to the twi-lite years...wants to should have to be bobb'n fer blue balls in the steam room on a friday nite...while yer still hope'n to find that perfect #1...that isn't completely full of #2

who knows how the future of fantastic fornications will play out...
but i fer one...plan on participate'n!

now get off my dress!

Monday, May 8, 2017

fairytale fails

remember those beloved disney movies you seen as a small child...
that you got hooked on em like a junkie in just skivvies...turn'n yer parents into bitchy basket cases by demand'n to watch them over and over on a damn loop...until you could recite them in yer sleep like yer some sorta pre pubescent rain man/woman...whether you were non homosexual or part of the LGBTQAIXYZPDQ crowd...pout'n like a lil asshole til ya got yer way...only to find out as a grown up...disney saccrinated fucked up the original version of the fairytales...with floral arrangements and give'n the thumbs up to bestiality

ever since Walt had his head encased in with a 12 pack cryogenics...
everyone in hollyweird has been shredd'n his wonderful world of disney...by bein a dick one flick at a time and rework'n all his work

with blockbusters like Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman...
show'n us that cute fairytale's are really just scary as shit...and the reason why yer lil asshole child is choke'n on ritalin like it's candy all the time...and not the fluffy vommitly cute bullshit versions Walt tried to shove down our throats like a cheap hooker fer all those years...
so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around

well after whack'n off to GRINDR files hack'n into the Disney files one even'n...i discovered an arsenal of carnage and misconduct fer the final end'ns to the beloved disney heroins that Walt never wanted the world to know about...but will soon be made into motion pictures

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...
try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that rabbit hole...into a crazy and wonderful world of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....
years later...ended up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...
who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and helped clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...
Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet and had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master and went ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about...
the raven haired beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...
but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen...
who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...
and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...
yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!

Monday, April 24, 2017

kiss'n my grits!

we've all had that one job at one point in our unimaginably annoy'n career
where you stop and think...damn...what the fuck am i still doin here?
sure...it might be alot easier to deal with yer mighty midlife crisis...by become'n some cock-suck'n pig-slutt'n daddy fuck machine fer the perverted and the desperately deserted...but really...i doubt yer pimp would've set up any sorta 401K fer yer future days so you could live slightly above uncomfortable in yer cardboard box you'd be forced into...in some deserted alley...play'n canasta with the neighborhood crackheads...until you decided to call it a nite
my previous employment at TCFUCKERS...where i was shackled to a cubicle fer the past 10 years...and kittens...make NO mistake...it's not cuz i loved ANY particular part of my position mind you the entire time i was there...i was just too lazy to commit suicide...you understand right?
after goin thru 3 boss's thru-out my stint there...my 1st bein' the worst (that i cannot confirm or be bothered to deny if this was her actual company photo) who docked me a quarter from my pay one year...cuz i showed up to work in a baseball cap...not fer a fashion statement or to defy the suppressed dress code mind you...it was only to cover up the allergic reaction i was have'n from the antibiotics i hadda be on after surgery...thanx in part to some A double snake who thought is was funny to watch me gasp'n fer oxygen as he tickled me to death one even'n
that turned every follicle open'n on my Sinead'd scalp into a scream'n rasberry under the cold unflatter'n florescent light'n we were forced to work under...which...in retrospect...i'm sure was highly illegal to do...but i was not gonna be pushed out the door by some vaginal wart with a chip on her rheumatistic shoulders...which was her ultimate goal that she failed so miserably at i'm almost positive of...basically...the only reason i stayed endured the bullshit all those years was cuz i liked a handful of my co-workers who kept me entertained thru-out the self imposed prison term
especially the red head who never gave me head...nor did i make it to his bed (well...except in my head)...that worked on my floor in another department...
that is until one day they told us...at yet another pointless meet'n...that the company would be move'n to burbville...
this was my way off the damn island of miss'n-the-mark every time muckee mucks
i could finally marinate my self worth in my "kiss my grits" moment...that i should'a done many a years earlier
BUTT...more of that thorn in my sumptuous side in the future

anywho'z'll ding...so after i cashed out my 401K and took a mini trip to 
the BIG APPLE with my now impeached prez and his secretary of my fan club of 2...i tried to decide where to next...months of flip flopp'n around like a fish outta unchartered waters after all these years...i thought....hmmm...i outta be my own boss fer once and decided maybe i should become an anal inspector for a company that never existed...(but could've...if i ever would'a got a donation to my gofuckme account) then i thought...i gotta lower the bar a lil further...
a cosmetic clown?
the pope of perpetual sorrow perhaps?
or why not the neighborhood peep'n patti?

9 months later as my bank account started to hemorrhage at the seams...
i decided to go back into the bank'n regime and landed a comfortably numb job with a cast of all new characters that i can say i get along with comfortably...and a boss that i actually think is as cool as a cucumber...with a splash of 7 and a twist of lime
i have NEVER been motivated by the almighty benjamins like many who seek that out in their a position that has the biggest chunk of change fer their piggy bank...i just prefer to be happy as a colostomitic clam...but i'll say that this new position was a considerable jump in pay from my last position...where i no longer hadda scrape by from paycheck to paycheck...and my self worth was finaly worth what i thought it should be
flash forward to 8 months later...and i was actually hunted down by my first head hunter...(not to be confused with me hunt'n fer head pervie) it was a supervisory position at yet another financial institution and i hadda decide...do i press my luck and go fer the big bucks fer a change?...i mean...i was picked from a pool of 10...and was told...with my past experience in fraud...they were gonna offer me $20g's more than from my current position...and i didn't even have to lower my dignity britches
tick tock tick tock tick tock...
decisions...decisions...decisions...
after much comtemplate'n and dance'n around of what more i could've put on my plate financially...
i decided after 3 days...in the end...that i just was not gonna become another bitch in burbville for another position no matter what the cost...well...unless of course...they were to offer me somethin' like...i don't know...say...
then perhaps i could'a been persuaded to put up with all the sexually repressed soccer moms and their nauseate'n novels about their kids and casseroles...cuz really...the only way yer gonna get me to venture into burbville...is if it was in someone else's end...fer some change...AAAAAAND they gave me gas money fer come'n!
hey...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionists of their own universe don't come cheap!

now get off my dress!