Monday, September 22, 2014

unplugged

so as i was say'n last week about the chaos surround'n...
my smartass phone commit'n a total jihad on my ass 2 days before my annual celebratory time stamped day of narcissism day of birth...i was in complete ax-weild'n homocidal maniac mental meltdown mode while my brain was on RED ALERT...
try'n to understand what the fuck APU was recite'n from his prepared speech on his informational highway box to me...in order to correct the unhappy situation i was so desperately need'n to get myself out of...and before ya get all UP WITH PEOPLE on my ass...
YES i understand there are different pronunciations of the english dialect...but that don't mean just cuz i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...that i have to put up with this shit!

after the most soul depress'n...4 1/2 minutes of my life...now gone ferever...i took a deep breath and rebooted my senses...to make sense of this no nonsense situation...APU assured me my cellphone situation...
 would be resolved in 7 to 10 c-a-l-e-n-d-a-r days...not to be confused with 7 to 10 business days...which basically gives any business enough to time to explore any legal ramifications that may concur...should the outcome not be in yer best interest affect their bottom line

so after much ado about nothing to do with APU...i had my cell checked at said store which shall remain nameless...as not to sway public opinion...
fer ANY defects prior to return'n it back to the company fer inspection...of which their were none...all i'll say is...i WILL NOT BOOST about them
 to anyone in the near future...unless of course...they're look'n fer some unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe spokesmodel

then i thought...WAIT!...why am i gett'n my titties in such a twist?
i survived many years without the world and the entire informational highway bein' able to GPS my ass and it's location at any given moment 
as i bubble wrapped up my lifeline and dropped it off at the post office...all of a sudden...it felt as if i was released from the informational shackles of the past year...that i swear i could almost hear Marlo Thomas sing'n softly into my ear
of course this meant that there would be bed side vigils around the globe from GRINDR to SCRUFF...shedd'n a single lonesome tear until my triumphant return...and rest assured...i'm sure i unfortunately will...unless of course i was left with a small fortune in someone's will...so let's take a look at what happened since i entered into the witness protection program called LIFE!

#1 i was completely inconsolable when i heard that ROSE NYLUND dyed

#2 i finally finished the entire trip thru emerald city...
OZ that is
the story of a love affair...after commit'n some heinous crime of course...where you either whack...or get whacked...if ya don't watch yer back...but the 2 words that best describe this series...
CHRIS KELLER...grrrrravy on my mash potatoes

#3 i have to admit the only reason i finally got into #2
(ummm not THAT #2 sicko's) was fer me and my latest baby mama drama faghag that desperately wanted us to put on our Cagney and Lacey caps to do research about an unfortunate situation a mutual friend had got himself into allegedly...well...after a month long game of cat n mouse...the jig was up...and just like all my the powerball purchases...i unfortunately lost out on the grand prize of $40 g's...
so there goes my helicopter ride around the Hampton's choke'n down caviar nibbleys and sipp'n on champagne with likes of Cher and Madonna

#4 actually goin 10 entire 24 hrs in an actual row...
without some post traumatic pole smoker call'n me "daddy"
trust me...i get it...i'm over 40...and unfortunately i'm hot...and at times in the right scenarios...it's perfectly legal and legit...but lest we ferget...kitten...ima QUEEN!

# 5 my lil sharp dressed spit fire of a vice president to my fan club...
take'n me to my fav-o-rit musical of all time fer my bday...well this year anyways...which you'd seriously have to be a complete moron to miss out on the BOOK OF MORMONS...it's message resonated with me since i seriously lived it back in the prehistoric times of 1989...
when me and my roomies Steph and Amy called the latter day saint ad on tv late one even'n...just cuz we wanted to make new friends...and i shit you not...2 days later...with me in a french maid uniform serve'n oreo's and lemonade to our guests...we sat down fer a very casual Q&A pow wow after  receive'n our very own complimentary comic book...
which really came in handy since we planned on grill'n out that nite...all seemed to be goin well...UNTIL...we asked them what their stance was on non heterosexuality...
well...you'da swore they thought we were the witches try'n to tell them how to defeat the kraken...but they pondered fer a minute or 2 and said that they'd have to go back to their superior and they'd get back to us with the correct answer...well...i'm here ta tell ya that it has been 25 years...4 months and 16 days...and i'm still wait'n fer a fuck'n answer...all i'll say is...

so there ya have it kittens...i've survived 10 full days without that damn trilogy of terror tell'n me my next move...check'n every 5 seconds how many desperado's were check'n me out on whatever site i choose to 
loose my religion with...or if i was miss'n out on some urgent FB feed that needed a quick quip...and how long it would take someone to like it...only to then check back 5 seconds later to see if anyone responded with more cleverish regurgitated words of wisdom...
just to justify my only existence fer other people's voyeuristic intentions...well...i'm here to tell ya kitten...that the world did not and will not come to an end...
but tick tock tick tock tick tock...the countdown was over...so with my most profesh and poised understand'n...i called back APU and calmly said...gimme back my phone you cock-suck'n-muther-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-whore...and puhleez...
get off my dress!


Monday, September 15, 2014

strut...pout...put it out!

what a weekend it was...ain't nutt'n funny since celebrate'n the 14th anniversary to my 30th last weekend...thanx to all those who came...
next time though...please bring yer own towels...i hate doin laundry...fer those who decided to miss my latest mildew marker...and fergot to present me with accolades or to purchase an item from the preselected gift list at amazon.com to commemorate me twist'n down the fallopian slide so many many moons ago...still have plenty of time to pick up their free gift without pity at gofuckyerselftilnextyear.com

trust me...like my smartass phone that decided to pull a jihad on me 2 days before my big day...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that next week...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered...
i had passed go so many times without collect'n my $200...i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time to get exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...i was starve'n fer a marvin that even'n...hey it had been a whole 5 days...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments fer a return visit...besides i've never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick their prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...
how it all began?...how it used to be to how it is today?...how does one set their base pay?
let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a trip down to male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...
 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubinus caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy
it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 
TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...
 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country...
kabuki theater was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...
even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...
were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no
the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of...
Prince and the Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF
stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...
i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...
and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...
and thought to myself...i thought self...what am i doin?...i may be one year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a fuck'n catch...i still have plenty of free clown'n around years left in me...so with that in mind...time to spritz on the chloroform...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!






Monday, September 8, 2014

a RIVERS runs thru it

to think there was a time when a woman could not even mutter the word

the 1st QUEEN of late nite with her memorable tag line "CAN WE TALK?"
and her own personal punch line to all the plastic surgery procedures...JOAN RIVERS was a hurricane of hilarity that never held back when it came to make'n people laugh...whether it was over triumphs or tragedies...include'n her own...Joan could whip out the one-liners faster than a porn stars prick...
"i don't exercise...if G*D wanted me to bend over...he would have put diamonds on the floor"

"i'm no cook...when i want lemon on chicken...i spray it with pledge"

"i've had so much plastic surgery...when i die...they will donate my body to tupperware"

her razor sharp red carpet reviews cut thru celebrities like a disgruntled employee of ISIS...pave'n the way fer many many "in yer face" female comics in a very dominated male profession from the start

gett'n her biggest break in 1965 seal'n her fate as the QUEEN of comedy

by 1983 become'n the 1st woman ever to fill in as the late night host...
pre-plastic surgery of course with many guests...include'n a very young  BOY GEORGE

then starred as the 1st ever female late night talk show host in 1986...

a historian of humorous ramblin's...and author of many many books...
include'n "MEN ARE STUPID...AND THEY LIKE BIG BOOBS"..."I HATE EVERYONE...STARTING WITH ME" and her last gem "DIARY OF A MAD DIVA"...Joan told it exactly how it was...PC was never part of her recipe to penn'n a juicy book...
much like the STD test'n requirements fer "massage therapists" ads in the back of all those the local city pages

starr'n in the 1987 1/2 a block buster intergalactic parody "SPACEBALLS"

then in 1990 the made fer tv fluff "HOW TO MURDER A MILLIONAIRE"
as Beverly Hills housewife IRMA SUMMERS

2010 was the perfect tribute to the legend's life in "A PIECE OF WORK"
starr'n as herself...lett'n it all hang out...from her midday yaps to her vaginal flaps

QVC was part of her billion dollar biz fer over 20 years that sold a plethora
of colorful costume crap fer all occasions...Joan made millions of lonely agoraphobics around the world feel a lil less unattractive and a lil more bankrupt...sadly though...
a lot of Indonesian children will be gett'n their pink slips

host and top cop of couture on the highly rated show FASHION POLICE
who managed to criticize and correctly identify more red carpet disasters than F.E.M.A. did durin' Hurricane Katrina...will make about as much sense stay'n on the air now as...
Paris Hilton identify'n and correctly spell'n all her STD's in order

Mrs. Rivers even found time to chat before her metamucil martini kicked in
with her hysterical informational highway web series..."IN BED WITH JOAN"...the best one by far was when she was hamm'n it up with RUPAUL DRAG RACE SUPERSTAR season 6 winner and hilariously raunchy BIANCA DEL RIO

the world will miss June Allison's nemesis but Joan will have the last laugh
"at my funeral...i want MERYL STREEP crying in 5 different accents" 
now get off my dress!