Monday, November 19, 2018

gluten free punishment

well kittens...there's plenty to be thankfully for this gobble or gobbless
week...now that all those annoy'n...blood suck'n connoisseurs of no conscience are completely gone fer the year...no i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Living Dead...heavens to betsy no...
i'm talk'n about ALL these brain dead...blood suck'n GOP'ers that lost their morals...along with their mouth power this past midterm
BUTT...in the end

with the holiglazed season in full swing...just a simple reminder that 
 nothing tastes better and helps soften that stool...when you'll drool over yer aunt Orlean's oral fix'ns this european invade'n small pox day...that yer kids will absolutely go batshit crazy for at the din din table...than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...even though it may cause a slight involuntary chain reaction to yer bowel movements...and a lil bitta weeze'n in yer breath'n...nothin comes closer to loos'en yer lunch and those pesky pounds than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...so pick up a can today!

there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil... 
that once destroyed millions...from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague

thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers
 kindness's...now has simply morphed into another gestation known as BLACK FRIDAY!

this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!
as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box 
thanx to the all mightyness of corporate greed...these salivary savages want'n the best deal...no longer have to wait til the stroke of midnite any longer to purchase the "MUST!HAVE!NOW!" crap off the latest assembly runway line carefully crafted by lil Ping Ming...Ding A. Ling...Ah So and Kung Po...so you...the shopp'n fucktard...can save some measly benjamins...what would take their entire family work'n around the clock...a lifetime to make...as the madness begins at 6pm on turkey day...and in some cases EVEN SOONER!!!
SAY IT ISN'T SO!...are the weather reports out yet? dear lord what will i wear? is the "real housewhores of whatever county" even gonna be on s-a-l-e? someone! ANYONE! PUHLEEZ!...OH GOD...thou for art have forsaken me...i beg of you to have mercy on my wretched whorish selfish lil impetent soul and give me the strength to make it thru this madness...but just in case...Bobby Marie and Betty Andy....fetch me my pocket kitchen cattle prod and shopp'n shank!

as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase...the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the
blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales...cuz you know that can be a complete fuck over moment if you miss one of those!

dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...
and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction" 

Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas 
morn'n..."daddy deez are pritty...and mommy's always say'n how cood her feet are." Betty Andy exclaims "how 'bout we git her some of deese"...dad distracted by an income'n text says "wha? huh? yea sure...here's my card...sorry kitten...daddy's gotta take this call...it's the babysitter  office want'n me to come in"

over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...
when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...
"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered

like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him
some extra cash she had earned in the "back park'n lot" earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house

and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break 
today...so off to the Golden Arches they went...undaunted by the lack luster service with their corporately plastered smiles...the 2 ordered the double stacked coronary burger with 2 slices of orange colored drainage squares...large french coma induced potatoe spears...a sugary coated crusty cardboard pouch filled with pipe'n hot apple flavored sludge and a refresh'n 2 liter cup of diet coke to wash it all down...
(both very conscious of their caloric intake)

as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n
 cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society 

3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns  crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...
to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam

but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...
"sorry but we're closed...enjoy your holiday"
from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...
 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"
"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly
"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?" 
"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"
40 minutes later...as the snow flakes began to dance like fall'n pirouettes against the navy blue sky...Harold and Dureen came to an "understand'n" as Bobby Marie and Betty Andy pleaded to be let back into the car...so mom unlocked the doors and the kids piled back in and homeward bound they went

as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...
Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom
dad was thankful the "help" stuck around
mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next...
and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long
the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...
don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs

now get off my dress!

Sunday, November 11, 2018

the WINNERS take it all!

just like that jilted love affair song so eloquently goes...
"the winner takes it all...the loser stand'n small"...by those poly blend'n saucy Swedes many disco balls ago

this years midterms were like a proverbial Muriel moment fer the dems
"now my life is as good as an ABBA song" now that we've take'n back the HOUSE

with roughly 100 estrogen replacement contestants winn'n many seats
in congress...and many of them bein' 1st's as well...like the 1st muslim women ever elected...MN's ILAN OMAR and MI's RASHIDA TLIAB...to the 1st ever native american women elected...KS's SHARICE DAVIDS and NM's DEB HAALAND
include'n my personal fav...MN's AMY KLOBUCHAR...who kicked ass recently...grill'n the future date rapist of the Supreme Court...and kudo's to the many many others i can't unfortunately picture  (well cuz yer attention spans aren't that long kittens...plus there's google if you need more names)
BUTT...
 lets not ferget there's somethin' about mary...CO's JARED POLIS...bein the 1st open non heterosexual governor...along with 149 other openly lgbtxwzpdq candidates...gett'n a chance to have a voice fer the masses...of course there's some religious asswipes in the state that aren't gonna be all to pleased about this 

and thankfully they won too...cuz they thwarted off the many evil diseased
riddled caravans of terrorists and rapists that were moments away from invade'n our protected boarders all the way up to til the nite of election...so congrats to you all!

though...it's NOT all about winn'n...we can't ferget the losers stand'n small
fer starters...the biggest of them all...kentucky's unlucky Miss Split Ends 2018 and righteous rectal wart hog...Kim Davis...who caused all that uproar over break'n the law in 2015...by stand'n her hypocritical grounds believe'n marriage is between a woman and her many men...by deny'n DAVID ERMOLD and his husband a marriage license
and then of course there's cheddar head-up-special-interest-ass and anal suppository spokesmodel Scott Walker... who can't even ask fer a recount to a too close to call race...cuz of a law he thought would benefit him in the END (pun obviously intended)
and even though Nevada's bunny ranch'n pimp...Dennis Hof...beat out dem hopeful Lesia Romanov...he unfortunately will never get to serve one CHER damn day in office...well...cuz the horny 72 year old bunny fucker did one too many fireballs durin' his bday celebration a couple of weeks earlier...and ended up kick'n the can...(side note though...it takes a special sorta stupid to vote fer a dead man...dont'cha think?)
and lastly of course...is our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit who's practically use'n the bills of rights as his own personal ass wipe...just cuz with the dems FINALLY took control of the house...and with more women and non hetro's that he'll have too kiss their collective asses if he wants to even look presentable to his base...he's shitt'n bricks and break down in front of the camera

and with his most recent attacks on the report'n media amplify'n...
as well as belittle'n other accomplished political reporters...like APRIL RYAN...YAMICHE ALCINDOR and ABBY PHILLIP...are ya start'n to see a pattern kittens?
if not...google search it...and get off my dress!

Monday, November 5, 2018

that bothers me!

like when you think yer goin to a feel good movie to lift up
yer spirits after gett'n a desperate call from yer bestie lett'n you know she's discovered a lump....think'n it's about 2 besties that head out on a road trip to the boss's cabin...to get away from all the hustle and bustle of their mundane life fer the weekend from the trailers...
only to find out...yer turned into a puddle by credits end as you frantically call yer shrink fer an emergency session and the number to the suicide hotline...only to be put on hold!

or when you decide to take a refresh'n dip in the deep end of the lake
to escape the insanity...with yer sanity...from another ruined family reunion once again...by yer sweet tooth cuz of yer cuz Mertyl's meringue pie made entirely outta mayonnaise and mustard...and yer uncle's nibbley's parts on display next to the bowl of assorted nuts...
only wish'n you hadn't ignored the DO NOT SWIM sign at the end of the pier!

or when some ignorant bicyclist thinks that they're save'n the entire planet
from carbon emissions...by completely taken over the road instead of kindly move'n to the side when you gotta school bus of scream'n assholes and yer seconds away from gett'n stuck in rush hour traffic blocks from home after a hard day at work...
and realize'n you ended up goin commando that day cuz you were too lazy to do laundry over the weekend...and yer coffee has finally decided to kick in!

one thing that could NEVER bother me though...is today's sassy and very brassy self described..."effeminate and damaged boy from the Bronx"
the one and only MISS COCO PERU...well...except the planned interview i worked on fer months fell thru...due to our busy "scedules"...even after i withdrew $100 from my whore fund fer 4th row center...meet & greet tix fer me & my dear friend Peetrinella fer an early xmas surprise...and then completely have'n an unexcused incontinence moment...by actually fergett'n to go to the damn show a couple weeks back...
BUTT...at the very least
glad fer Coco's hysterical & triumphant return to the set of Will & Grace this past week...
and that there's FINALLY gonna be a sequel...20 years later...to one of my all time fav-o-rit  romatic indy hits from the 90's...here's hope'n Coco's part is much bigger
but now that just means some lonely whore is gonna have to press their luck and hope that their next "WTF was i think'n?" moment...is STD free fer a change

move'n on...

now...imagine fer a moment if you will...yer try'na have a civilized grown-up convo with some instagrammer about the current state of the country 
and they happen to turn the convo around to the current election...and let it slip that they already cast had their vote early...yer think'n...YAY....there is hope fer the future!
UNTIL...that is...that they let is spill they cast their vote fer a write in candidate...and that dam dreaded WHAMMIE hits you like a ton of typical millennial brain dead bricks
cuz they decided to write in Obi-Wan Kenobi...cuz you know..."he is our only hope!"
unfortunately...it didn't work out so well fer him in the end...did it?

now...as much as i want to agree its yer right...to write in who you want
I JUST CAN'T THIS TIME AROUND!...too much is at stake!!!

i hadda rush myself to the nearest powder room and suck on a urinal mint...
before i would end up goin batshit on this one...and end up have'n to go to sensitivity train'n ..after have'n a coupe cocktails with the HR department...of course
just cuz i helped them get a better view of the payment...from the 30th floor!

don't just take my word fer it...let the ever present politically hysterical 

this blog was pre written before the election results...and there's only 2 
 doors that'll possibly open fer the entire country after late tues nite...
you have to decide if you wanna enter to the other end of the rainbow...
or if you wanna enter the gates of of hell and get yer heart...and everything else...ripped out from under you!
decide...you will...there is no retake...
but decide well!

now get off my dress!