Monday, December 11, 2017

oh no...HO!

now that the holiglazed season is upon us ONCE again...
i couldn't be more PLEASED!
well i could be...but i'm not (or more like i wasn't at these particular moments in time) when i found myself flumble'n thru emails from xmas's past
from those who were grinchy...
to those who were penny pinchy...
it wasn't hard to not to be just a lil Finchy!

reason #1 GRINCHY

biggest musical act in the universe a few months back...who incidentally...is a true genius with his words i might add...on his fan forum site...had turned into an all out battle of the last word with some depraved stalker on the other side of the planet

now...i myself...had experienced fan hysteria many a time before...
from my one fan...i mean...i am THEE UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM'N ILLUSIONIST OF MY OWN UNIVERSE after all...i get it...but some of these fans of the forums take it WAY too serious...and it can get way too U-G-L-Y at the drop of a hat...but this total asswipe...half way around the globe...with the maturity level of a grape...just made it personal!

i think Miss Benetar said it best when she stated in her operatic rock tone
the gloves came off...and i gave him a good left hook with a sassy upper cut

the follow'n is the actual archival footage...his response is in blue...
call'n ME a "stupid cunt" just cuz i hadn't placed my comments in the correct section of the forum?...oh kitten p-u-h-l-e-e-z!...i have been called many many MANY things over the years...
but putt'n me in the same category as this loud mouthed scarecrow propaganda pussywart...i think someone's got one too many crotch crickets camp'n out in their culottes...i don't think so missy!...SO OF COURSE...I...wanted to get in the last logistical jab
not realize'n my fan base was much bigger than her genitals...
he finally hadda give up and bow down before me!

reason #2 PENNY PINCHY

it's a rarity i will ask fer a hand out...i would rather give than receive...
in MOST circumstances...but there are those rarely exceptional occasions

so come'n home one nite...only to find out i had no home to come home to durin' my pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe years...i hadda grow up really fast...really quick...but
i figered it out on my very own...from live'n in the back end of my one time only non homosexual relationship w/Cricket's side paneled station wagon fer a week...til her aunt found me one sunday morn'n before church and set up a bed fer me in their basement...
 to hopp'n from bedrooms to broom closets...to anywhere i could to lay my head down and count sheep...
from dumpster dive'n fer my dinners...
to collect'n enough pop cans and sell off what lil possessions i had left to get the latest look at the local charity shop...so i'd be the most visually stimulate'n vagabond on the street...(you either get it togetha...or yer gonna loose it!) it made me who i am today and i wouldn't want it any other way...but i also would N-E-V-E-R wanna relive that past again

that is until recently...when i was head'n outta town and fergot my mind along with my wallet and once again flashed back to what it was like 25 years ago...try'n to figer it all out all over again...and from my personal experience...some people get funny about money...no matter how much they brag about how much they have...i've learned to live without it...
so i hadda pull out my grovel shovel and dig fer the right words fer a measly$20 fer gas and road trip nibbles w/a certain family member...though it worked out in the end...i was left feel'n like i had just starred in a mini dramarama

reason #3 FINCHY

online date'n these days is like order'n thru a sexually depraved drive thru
the menu is a smorgasbord packed full of whatever you desire...with everyone lay'n out their options...
it takes out the guess'n work at what will work fer you at the moment...or fer the long haul
sometimes you want somethin' to tide you over til the next breakdown...and other times yer happy with order'n the same ol' thing...but as long as yer just drive'n thru...you have no moral commitments to anyone but yer own

my last order wasn't necessarily a new order...i've ordered the same thing by mistake before...but this particular order surprised me and tasted so good since it had been so long...that i thought i was done pull'n up to the drive thru...that is until what i had ordered turned out to be a whooper...
with WAAAY too many layers fer me to digest!

turns out the whooper wanted to get back on the griddle until he was "fried out"...and eventually had to be take'n off  to "cool" himself off...i did what i could to help out in the process...we would talk about continue'n with this 
unstable happy meal if it was what would be the best thing on the menu fer us both...after the cool'n process was completely over

once the first part of the cool'n process ended and the 2nd half began...he apparently went back and super sized his paranoid fries...but unfortunately i was in no mood to try any of them out...i'm not a nun...nor am i a nympho
i'm not say'n i would never order this whooper again...but i really don't need all those extra crazy calories anymore

so until this whooper gets his ingredients in order...
i don't plan on eva eat'n from this unhappy meal again!

now get off my dress

Monday, December 4, 2017

the final countdown

the snowflakes haven't even begun to dance in the pale moonlight...
in the land of 9,999 bottoms yet (hey...call it the luck of the irish fer me) and my xmas wish list has already begun to become unwrapped

now of course...i could wish fer world peace...fer the hungry to be fed...
the homeless to be sheltered...the cancers to be cured...and the vomitus Kankersoredashian klowns and their chemically infused A double snakes to never ever be seen in heavy rotation ever again
BUTT...
it's the 2nd most important holigay season...FOR ME...and ol' Saint Prick ain't no genie in a bottle...is he now kittens? OH HO HO NO!...though...personally...he can rub me the right way (or wrong way preferably) a-n-y-t-i-m-e he wants...i swear!...so with that in mind...
fuck the fruitcake...
and can the hot canned fruit compote!

now i could be a lil xmas piggy...as one could if they choose to be you see
and plead fer somethin' absolutely outlandish...like front row w/meet and greet tix to comedy goddess MISS CAROL BURNETT friday june 15th 2018 @ the Orpheum theater in the Minne-Apple
along with pre and post cocktailage of course...so one can only hope there truly is an ol' Saint Nick who's not a brain dead dick...
with MDNA SKIN by MADONNA and then remove my impurities of the even'n...after i've removed my impure thoughts...with cool cucumber slices on my eyes and marinate my thirsty pores with MDNA SKIN by MADONNA...cuz my alabaster A double snakes are totally worth it
though these are just some simply wishful thoughts to stuff in my stock'n...come this xmas eve

but let's move onto my list of fav-or-it unbiased items on my XMAS list this year that won't break yer piggy bank and are a wee bit more attainable...
anyone with half a brain cell would obviously want me to rip the wrapp'ns off like an insane clown with turrets...just to get my claws on the newly released "CULTURE CLUB live @ Wembley Stadium 3 disk collector's set"
perhaps you may feel like add'n some new tunage fer my weekly car concert to the local glory hole...ummm...i mean water'n hole...and what better collection could one ask fer than the listen'n pleasures of this beautifully packaged 4 cd remixology set of the remix QUEEN herself...i would ferever be in yer debt...i might even bake you my famous tic tac pie!
ahhhh...80's tv was not 80's without those famous waitresses from Phoenix...that FINALLY came out with season 6...that's a tad bit beyond my pocket change...but perfect reason fer you to give this holiglazed season
of course who says bein' single ain't easy...if ya don't believe me...as Miss "KISS MY GRITS" herself who only lasted only season when she decided to pack up her pink polyester cow town pride and leave Mel's Diner fer good...that i've been desperately die'n to revisit all over once again
but if yer feel'n extra genny...i would reward you handsomely with a beautifully framed selfie of me enjoy'n an Ann Romano weekend marathon...why not!
and cuz i'm a tv dvd junkie whore...i could learn a lil history on those cold...not so lonely nites...from the hottest lil henna hair you'll eva meet...pick me up season one here...and season two here if yer feel'n extra charitable
blouse (L)            slacks (34)            hoodie (L)
fer all you bottom pocket scrape'n givers...fret not...how would you love to see me step up my game by stepp'n out in a snappy new well tailored ensemble from the affordably priced pheasants @ DRESSLILY.COM...oh yeeeeeaaaa! (i hear those chilean children can do a mean cross stitch)
last but definitely not least...fer those last minute shoppers who are look'n fer somethin' cheap & cheerful...i've collect every official one since 1985...so why not buy a part of my future history...so i don't have to
there ya have it kittens...all those near and afar...i've been naughty and sometimes nice...now it's time to give me my prezzies...or pay the price!
HO HO HO...from yer fav-o-rit HO HO MO...

now get off my dress!

Monday, November 27, 2017

buff puff

i was recently reminded…a while back…by this mo who don't know jack
that "str8 act'n and appear'n" is apparently the new black!
 (how dr. suess of me and i wasn’t even try'n…i swear)

by that…i don’t mean that african american…african european…
african asian or african african (did i leave anybody out?) non heterosexual men are the latest in relationship accessories…

hot mixed interracial relationships have been around...
since Tom and Helen Willis of the "Jefferson’s"

(that was not meant to be in any way…shape or form…single'n out any ethnicity of any part of the universe)

i'm not a complete social retard…but nor do i march in the PC parade
i’ve seen Prince like 3 times live...
and own almost all of Tina Turner’s musical history 
(stay with me kittens…i will make my point…eventually)

no…what i speakith of…is far more taboo…a rare hybrid sub culture of...
the non heterosexuals who try and pass themselves off as "STR8"...
by act'n and appear'n in a way publicly that is perceived by others that they have the ability to completely fool members of their own naturally born non heterosexual race as well as those of the naturally born non homosexual race…just to prove to their narcissistic riddled ego their inability to deal with themselves as a mo’

and in their feebly delusional mind…they also believe they can…get this…
sexually turn a non homosexual into a non heterosexual…and that THAT would then be their greatest accomplishment to their entire existence

well i'm hear to tell ya…ya ain't fool'n no one mary mary on the contrary…
let's keep the "act’n" for the professionally trained....oh kaaaay gurlfriend!

there are many theories of how this sub culture of no-no homo's derived :
too much fake bake'n with a spray tan before goin' to the beach or on some tropical island vacation…
Miller beer…
the RAM truck 
(fer overcompensational purposes due to their "shortcumm'n" i'm sure) 
watch'n all 4 seasons of "PRISON BREAK" on a loop 
(one word…WENTWORTH MILLER…meeeouch!)

these are just a few suggestions…there are a merried of theories out there

hold up…now before you grab yer picket signs…coon dog and hop in yer monster truck (and by that i mean…work-out purse…pekineses and pontiac grand prix)…i am not suggest’n in the slightest that some of you non heterosexuals out there cruise’n around along the informational
highway on...yer daily 5 minute break from adam4adam…gaydar…grinder…mancunt...scruff...jak'd...or whateva social site you choose to cruise for the latest has-been or been-had by half the population fer some dimestore dick…are not just being yerself as you would...regardless of who was/wasn’t present

a quick hiccup…for those right wing’n…apocalyptic fear’n…anti-bacterial soap’n…leave-it-to-beaver thinkers who think i or anyone of my naturally born non heterosexual race would CHOOSE to live this way…ummm ya...
pick a finger!

think about it…if we didn’t have hetero’s…we wouldn’t have homo’s…
if we didn't have homo's…we wouldn’t have poppers…
if we didn't have poppers…we wouldn't have brain damage…
and if we didn’t have brain damage…i'd be the only one read'n this right now!

now…where was i?...oh yes...

no...i am merely speak'n to the trend of non heterosexuals known as...
the socially retarded…chemically dependent…emotionally unavailable...self-loath'n…narcissistically rare mo'…otherwise known as the "muscle mary"

in the simplest of terms…a “muscle mary” consists of the follw'n...
high maintenance groom'n for a minimum of an hour in front of their bathroom mirror…and decide'n which undergarment looks best on them to take that "all natural" non posed selfie to update their profile on 
www.peniledenial.com...
before head'n to the gym…for another hour of check'n themselves out in the locker room mirror (and who’s check’n them out) and squeeze in enough time to take that "all natural" non posed selfie to update their profile on www.poundmetilthesunormecumup.com…
then do the usual work-out routine til they break a sweat from check'n themselves out on the gym floor mirror (and who was check'n them out)…pop into the steam room to see what they're serve'n at the cock buffet…
then publicly pretend they have no inclination of someone's existence…because of the other person’s acceptance of who they are…what they do for a live’n…or how they may choose to dress themselves…and whether or not last season’s Prada bag falls outta their mouth every time they open it and their comfortness level around others in public…or that there is any remote interest in said person…

but secretly are the first ones to have their feet stapled to the bedroom ceil’n before you get the front door closed on any random friday nite!
we hate to be judged…but let’s face it…we all have played judge…jury and prostituted for our acceptance to someone we found remotely interest'n at a glance at some point in our life

oops…may have to back-up on that one there…if yer not me (and why would you be) i can sense yer confusional delay…so grab a ticket and hop aboard the catch-up train and i'll take ya there…in a minute or so
i am and have always been…mostly…comfortable in my natural born non heterosexual body and mind (though being a guinea pig for those governmental drug studies back in ’93 altered things…just a lil bit)
i used to be the skinny minny that would get shunned by the hideously delicious muscle mary flock corral’n around in circles at any downtown non heterosexual entertainment establishment...in my temporary town i've called home fer the past 27 years
until one day i joined a gym for personal and mental growth...and all of a sudden the gates flew open…i was accepted as one of the flock...
at first i felt like i had made a bad judgment in judge'n the judgers…then i realized…when it was discovered time and time again thru word of mouth...
within the flock...that i was indeed the unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe...and durty gurl of the Minne-Apple...KRYSTAL KLEER…i would be shunned once again by the flock in public or on-line…though privately…via text or any on-line meat market...more than a handful would prostitute themselves for my "ATTENTION" (i’m talk’n about the "basement meat")
too be fair…money was never exchanged…cocktails…cuisine and/or barely there conversations…yes...but never any benjamins!

why did i care what they thought?...why does anyone care what they think?...they don't! (it’s hurts their brain too much to think…what…with their balls take’n up so much space) so in conclusion to erase any
confusion...they are not trophies…but a testament to the torment we all felt as an awkward teenager on any given playground try'n to just fit in

some were a friend…but that's come to an end
they're just an illusion…filled with chaos and confusion
i'm a buff  with a puff…and a hella LOTTA stuff
they're just a mess…so just get off my dress!