Monday, August 13, 2018


just like a letter is just a letter....a number is just a number...period!
fer 1960...a young Elvis Presley was burn'n up the charts with his come hither eyes and savoir faired thighs with "IT'S NOW OR NEVER"

dreamy eyed heart throb of the silent era and Ingrid Bergman's love 
interest in Hemingway's novel "FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS"...Gary Cooper...kicked the can at the tender but not so old age of 60 

and that highly insightful but completely constipated program on CBS 
sunday nites...hosted by many of the preparation H parade over the years since the 60's...all have only one thing in common with today's artistic analogy...and that is...
THE QUEEN is turn'n the absofuckinglutely fantabulous 60!
and there's NO DENY'N...that M has BEEN DEFY'N the odds from the very start
she's been a virgin
she's even seen an industry enhanced surgeon
she's made us wonder
she's made us move
she's even gotten us into the groove
she's justified her love
she's lived for her love
she's even transformed into many...a dove
she's made her many statements
she's paid with many of her payments
she's even had to destroy some of her agents
from strike'n a pose
to take'n off her clothes
she's pushed the button like no one knows
from dress'n you up
to dress'n you down
she's never been afraid to be the clown
from a spanish sauce
to a beautiful stranger
she's always been her own boss
as a deadly sex kitten
she's opened yer heart
she's even been known to tear it apart
from her tireless perspiration
to all her unbelievable inspiration
she's done so much thru-out the nation

there's no one in this century OR THE NEXT that will ever compare to that
 who is  M-A-D-O-N-N-A
from music legend in the make'n
to motherhood you've never forsake'n
you've give'n far beyond more...than you have ever take'n
so here's to yer 60th
and to the next less!
i love all that is MADONNA
now get off my dress!

Monday, August 6, 2018


grow'n up in a very small minded but equally just as unimportant town...
i became an exceptionally pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe by learn'n the slings and arrows of an imperfect world thru the words of wisdom from the mouth of america's fav-o-rit top sell'n Sears catalog sweater model from 1968 to 1973...Mister Rogers...who taught me so much on how to mind yer kind to one another...while give'n me the knowledge to deal with things i simply would shutter at the thought of have'n to do on my own

it was an afternoon staple...wake'n from my afternoon nap at my nana's 
while roll'n her cigarettes...that is until that horrendously salacious scandal of '79...when it went off the air fer a short period of time...due to alcoholics anonymous alumni Lady Elaine...gett'n caught poodle ball'n with MADAME behind King Friday's castle late one friday can here all about it in...

since his death in 2003...children around the world have mourned the loss 
of knowledge readily read to they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy
and cope'n with life's struggle's...just like dear ol' mom & dad have ever since they were born

luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there that have been tune'n in each 
week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 7+ is NOOOO kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years

1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been 
try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald

next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!
i learned this lesson way too late in life...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car...and had been chatt'n to this "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular nite...i decided to throw caution to the wind...
ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace sweat soaker... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple... 
like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly!

by the time i had arrived...(roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour)...
he greeted me at the door like a proper whore and invited me i have an imagination trust me...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the day's always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN...x10...kittens...i nearly died!...cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...
45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask)...i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open
and trust me...there was no time to escape!
i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time

i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...
but i left a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil wink here)

now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...
trust me...DON'T!

this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...
that don't wanna make a mess on yer grama's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time in a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...
take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break

and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...
self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper's yer you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!

there ya have it...hope that helped ya out go spread my words
like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea and get off my dress!