Monday, May 2, 2016

pass'n out over passover

well this weeks blog was intended fer last weeks audience...

but unfortunately...that wasn't the only sad new of this past week...
so without any further interruptions...on with the program...

another holiglazed season is upon us once again that began at sundown…
last fri...then why is this overlooked holiday completely left outta the hallmark section and promotional ads of your fav-o-rit non-denominational super stores...if ya ask me…i say "gimme my fuck'n Passover prezzies…puhleez!"

i may be a lil fuzzy on the facts...just as is anyone in the past 2000 years…since none of us where actually there…so who ya gonna believe?...BUT
apparently the story goes as follows...when Jewbacca and his buddies were lay'n down the law of the land...some imaginationally nonsexual artist of all things that are universal…(the plants…the animals…the people…the remote control) one day flipped out and went all ax-weild'n homicidal maniac on everyone...who then "passed over" the homes of the "penny pinchers" 
while slay'n everyone else's first born pile of crappy pants…
in some city far far away…
though some nut case copt an attitude a couple thousand years later and got even…but that's…another story
see kittens…sometimes coming in first does have it's disadvantages at times...i mean…look at most of these winners on the American Idol program...cuz no one else does these days
(that was NOT a paid endorsement)

how has no blood suck'n corporation not jumped on this band wagon?
it's one of the last exploitative days left in the calendar year that's not be give'n some sorta money make'n celebratory mindwarp...NEXT!

though this past weekend proved to be a bit of a celebratory...
holiday of it's own with the remembrance of a MN legend...many friends bday's and one bad nite...which could be perfectly summed up with a lil ditty from Miss Sophie Ellis- Bextor...when my precious...PRECIOUS...P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S pink UV blockers that i had only adopted but one week earlier...and had only managed to get in 2 unworthy publishable selfies in them...before they were ruthlessly...but unintentionally...murdered in a drunken rage on the dance floor...by a very dearly hurt'n kitten of mine...who was left in stitches...and NOT from laugh'n...
then i had a flash back...

a not so long lost…not so good friend of mine who shall remain nameless…(not for privacy reasons…no…only cuz i fergot what his name was while this story went to print) had another…unfortunately close friend of mine for about 17 years at the time…who…at times…could be a complete kitten...
and at other times was completely lost on reality and his equilibrium…thanx to his new bbf Franzia…that he stored conveniently inside a trick pocket he master minded himself...well cuz the price of bein' an intoxicated catastrophe was become'n much too spendy...rang me one sunny sunday funday afternoon to go on a world tour of the downtown liquor establishments of their choice
though i would'a rather stuck toothpicks in my toenails and drank shots of DRANO…i was in need petrol in my pinto blow-about…so i turned the meter on to see how long my patience would last

by the time i had reached my headache...i remembered his name...
DANZILLA...(fer obvious reasons you'll find out soon enough as this mess will progress)...had eyes like the emerald city…a thick black mane atop his noggin with butterfly lashes to match…and lips made out of precious pink pillows..that i wanted to punch numerous times in manysituations

WAIT!!...lemme back it up a bit…

DANZILLA had recently checked outta this very posh…"state run" hotel
after his court ordered year lease was up fer fulfill'n his contractual obligations…and she was ready to go bat shit crazy (or just maybe that's why he rented there in the first place)…either case…he wanted to taste freedom…and to him…that was best served in a chilled martini glass…so off we went

first stop on the booze-a-pa-looser tour…was thee appropriately chosen…
by DANZILLA...and of course he became immediately intoxicatingly fixated on mr. pearly whites bartender after order'n the first round of drinks for his groupies…and i have to admit…he made a faboosh appletini

though i was the designated driver…i knew this tour would last til the 1st one falls…so one wouldn't hurt…would it?...and anyways…i was about to
make my national debut there as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of the universe that halloween…so one like myself...must learn how to be accustomed to this sorta treatment…besides…it's a free cocktail…i could afford that!

now…i'm used to said friend of 17 years & her antics and vocal range after she's filled her tank with whatever alcoholic beverage of choice she could
shove in her trick pockets…on any given nite (it was like watch'n a Tara Reid movie on a loop for the past 15 years)…and i was always try'n desperately to be the voice of reason…but ya can't stop an inebriated locomotive no matter how hard you try!

DANZILLA had drowned himself in 5 appletini's at this point and basically prostituted his affection for mr. bartender's attention with a $20 benjamin
after each martini he chugged down…(maybe it's cuz the bartender was a drug dealer) cuz every time he bent over…he was sell'n alotta crack…and at some point during the chaos and confusion of booze-a-pa-looser…DANZILLA had jumped into the mosh pit with a healthy gal named RUTH
however the war of words started…i had no desire to play referee!

RUTH threw in a couple good upper cuts and bitch slaps…and DANZILLA
feel'n a bit bruised…and heavily intoxicated…pile drived her with a pussy punch "whatever fatty"…which RUTH is not mind you…she's big boned...
but…so's a stegosaurus...hey...i'm just say'n

i became the buffer between the 2 for a while until i had had enough

so onto the next 3 stops of the tour…which pretty much was the same rinse and repeat routine...the tipage continued thru-out…DANZILLA guzzled his
cocktails and roared his terrible roar…til DANZILLA could no longer roar his terrible roar and he quietly hibernated on my friends couch
one appletini : $7 buy'n some affection/attention fer yer pseudo friends: $28 know'n that you won't have to remember where or how you burnt thru about $300 on a 2 hour tour when you wake up in the morn'n: PRICELESS

moral of the stories…

FIRST…why do certain adults continue to believe in fairytales of a sexually frustrated delusional entity with homicidal tendencies towards the first born of certain religious beliefs…and not give a gift?...yet...as children...we're led
to believe that some guy with a glandular problem from meals-on-wheels dressed in a fuzzy red pimp coat... pants and match'n cap with 8 4-legged slaves drive'n miss crazy around every december...travel'n the world to give every good boy and girl a gift...until we reach about the age of 10 (17 in some southern states) until we learn it was all a hoax...yet we still want our prezzies...regardless!

hmmmm...are ya see'n the connection kittens?

SECONDLY…though times like these were made for Maxwell House…
film'n that day for a YouTube video for the world to witness...would'a made those precious moments much more cherishable!

now if you don't mind…i need to give myself a home lobotomy
so kindly let yerself out…and puhleez...get of my dress!

Monday, April 25, 2016

PURPLE REIGN

picture it kittens...it's the wintertime...in the year of 1982...
i was in a trance when i 1st heard HIM make his way across the airwaves on our family radio before i had any clue who he was or what he looked like...that sat askew atop our frigid air box...think'n to myself...1999 is like so very very far far away...but i'm buy'n whatever this guy's sell'n!

i was on my plead'n knee's begg'n Joan Crawford the follow'n christmas...
for thee entire cassette tape...so i could bask in and mimic his sexual prowess in the mirror...i mean come on...i was 12 and finally got to witness all the "CONTROVERSY" that winter on Mtv fer the 1st time at my neighbor Tom Babler's house...just as i was learn'n to turn on all those tingly sensations that were runn'n thru-out my fresh nubile body like lighten'n bolts
well christmas would come...but instead of fulfill'n my pathetically whiny pleas that fateful morn'n...as i was open'n my one PRESENT that i hoped was about to come true...i was instead presented with the Fred Mann orchestra performs the hits to Prince's 1999 cassette...with the original Woolworth's price tag barely cling'n on fer dear life after Joan had managed to scratch off the mountain of discount stickers on top of it...as if it were some sorta lottery card...though our heritage is irish...she might as well have been jewish that xmas...needless to say...i was not a happy camper that holiday season...that is all
by 1984...i was hooked on HIM like a hooker to heroin

and to make matters even worse...i couldn't believe when i found out...
that i was actually related to someone who would always be a pseudo celeb in my eyes...that was attached to one of the biggest musical films ever made in the 80's...that bein' my very own spunky outspoken doggie luv'n cuz Shelly...when she got to make an appearance in the open'n scene of  "PURPLE RAIN"...(and she couldn't even sneak me in...HMMMF!...ummm insert laugh here kittens...i was only 13 at the time)...i was beyond excited fer her...but my envy was as thick as the rain forest
i was fortunate enough to finally get to see the "PARTYMAN" live twice in Minneapolis in the 90's...once with my sis-n-laws Kris & Jodie and then again with my good red headed irish tamale Karen

flash forward to 8:30 am last week thursday...
though last nites pizza was still try'na settle in my stomach...i woke to thee most unsettle'n news that morn'n...and my teenage angst years were heartbroken 

so of course..me and my good red headed irish tamale Karen...
decided to pay tribute to the lil Purple Paisley man himself...who chooses to sit alone..."UNDER THE CHERY MOON"...it's the "SIGN OF THE TIMES"...lovesexy and all that jazz...our teenage angst wept in a glass of purple rain in uptown...that unfortunately just tasted more like grape windex...but to mr. bartender's credit...if we it had our way...one of us would've really tried to be with child 9 months later...MEEEOCH!

Minneapolis was in mourn'n...as was the rest of the world that sad day...
but by nite fall...everyone came together to rejoice and honor the man that said "I WOULD DIE 4 U" in droves were it all began...at First Avenue...with a free 3 day tribute dance party til 7 am...to honor the man with the "LITTLE RED CORVETTE"...it truly was a completely surreal experience that i was glad i got to experience with my sis-n-laws Kris and Kim along with my friends Poonani, Karen, Renee, Jen, Malcolm, Fredrick and his kitten Miss Monette and 1000's of other fans til the wee hours of the morn'n
his presence was not only honored in Minneapolis.,..
but also...around the world

from my newly acquired hometown of Minneapolis in 1990...he was a ROCK GOD that single handedly created the Minneapolis sound for the X generation...that i secretly worshiped at least once a month durin' my many road trip car concerts where ever i went...his music and his image helped define not only many of my personality traits...but also helped out many other musical artists thru-out his extraordinaringly mind-blow'n career...that many might not be aware of...

though he wrote the haunt'n ballad that Miss O'Connor had made famous...

 he also wrote the break up rock ballad...
for CYNDI LAUPER

the reason you never wanted sunday to end...
for the BANGLES

the best work-out reason to get away with shawls on a tread mill
co-written for STEVIE NICKS

the drum beat'n fabulousness
for SHEILA E.

and though originally written in 1979...he handed over
for CHAKA KHAN

of course we all remember his cohabitation with one Miss EASTON on...
"U GOT THE LOOK"...but did you also know...PRINCE wanted to "take you somewhere you've never been" inside Sheena's "SUGAR WALLS"

and with his "RASBERRY BERET" hitt'n it in heavy rotation on Mtv... 
and even hard in the charts...he couldn't just stop there...cuz he also collaborated on a duet with the QUEEN on her come'n into her new cocoon album "LIKE A PRAYER" with "LOVE STORY"
there was even talk years ago about a possible world tour with the QUEEN and PRINCE

of course there will be the proverbial flood of "PURPLE RAIN" tears that'll 
be flow'n 4 years 2 come...PRINCE has inspired millions with his music...along with the many humanitarian efforts he performed thru-out his career that he didn't feel the need to broadcast to the world and will always be known as the GOD of eclectic sexually infused R&B funky popp'n rock-n-roll fer me and millions of others...but what can ya do?...i say 2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it!..."LET'S GO CRAZY"  and punch a higher floor
thanx fer the years and the tears...this is really what it sounds like "WHEN DOVES CRY" and we will never ever ferget 
honor Prince's musical legacy in Minneapolis

now "GET OFF" my dress!