Monday, August 22, 2016

relation-ships that pass in the nite

who in the H-E double hockey stix says we need one to feel any worth these days? i wanna know who out there is make'n all us single ladies...
and not-so-gentle laydee's...feel shitty about ourselves all over again?
the agenda isn't beauty or ugliness…that’s…all your idea!

a mutual friend a reason not only that abortion should be legal...
but mandatory in some cases...was whine'n recently about how they were have'n a hard time bein' able to find their (insert vomit bucket here)
"soul mate"

history has proven that they never really work out...for example…

David…a simple israelite in a tunic and berkinstock sandals…aaaaand...

Goliath was about as str8 act’n and appear’n as a gigantic water buffalo
in manolo blahniks with a chip on her shoulders
the size of Donald Trump's ego

unable to confess his true love to David...cuz society deemed it to be...
"unnatural" and "immoral"...so Goliath made fun of David’s peeps...until one day David went all Lorena Bobbitt on his A double snakes...
and chopped of Goliath's head...or so we’re lead to believe 


get this...if you tell someone your “widowed”...
they tell you to either pop a prozac like a normal person or simply…
kill yourself!

but if you tell someone you’re a "divorcee"…
well…that’s just tell’n em there’s a party in yer pants and there ain't no cover charge!

i myself have even dabbled in a relationship from time to time…
fer the right dime...my longest last'n 4.5 years…(the .5 means so much more don't it?) i remember it as if it were yesterday…

he used to affectionately refer to me as his "wonderboy"…
always wonder'n what deliciousness i'd have cooked up for us next

and i would in turn...affectionately refer to him as my...
heart-break'n-two-time'n-cock-suck'n-ass-fuck'n-pig-slut'n-trailer-trash-piece-of-geriatric shit who could run a boat show thru his A-hole...unfortunately...he's dance'n with the devil in the pale moon light these days...so suffice it to say...learn from yer mistakes and hold no grudge


if you truly feel that revenge really is alot better than christmas...
may i suggest a lot less invasive...but alot more persuasive approach...by simply give'n yer hairy bear...a deep full body massage based on swedish techniques (which means absolutely nothing i know)...from head to toe...with botanically infused creams to disguise the harsh chemicals...let them marinate in it beyond the recommended time frame...before dump'n their pathetic ass once you find out they strayed with some slut...it'll make them think twice once they get outta the shower...trust me
or perhaps fill'n out a year's subscription to multiple women's magazines to mess with their masculinity...but make sure to X out the "bill me later" option...so you have enough time to change area codes
go ahead...be creative and committed when end'n yer commitment though...but and try not to pull a Farrah...if you can help it...it doesn't really look good on yer relationship resume

i've done my fair share of the "scary"…the "mary"…and the delusionally
"str8 act'n and appear'n" charitable acts of the week more than i care to count on fer any sorta non committal attachment

i've marched along side the pity parade of pansies…


most of them being either emotionally unavailable…

blatantly socially retarded...
or chemically dependent!


human nature can be so cruel!

i've never really understood this breed of "boys"...whether it be in the bedroom or on a bored walk...trust me kitten...ya ain't fool'n no one…
you might "act" all Colin Farrell on the streets...but yer the 1st ones who've got their legs stapled to the ceil'n when we hit the sheets...before i can even get the front door shut...
so get off yer huffy bike and deal with it mister sister…cuz you know who you are

i’ve cancelled my subscription to those "issue" years ago…
let's leave the "act'n" to the professionals...shall we?

even though i think about of all those who haven't come fer me yet...i still reminisce about all of those who've came before me…after all we've been thru a lot together and cuz i'm much bigger than hold'n onto any grudge
trust me…much BIGGER!

and though i'd like to get banged like a screen door in a tornado…
these days…i’m looking more for someone intelligent enough to chant my name...
while jump’n off a cliff

i'm not suggest'n in the slightest that relationships are bad...but don't start whine'n at the top of yer lungs when things don't go yer way...i'm merely point'n out the fact that you don't need one...to make yerself worthless...
you'll doin a fine job at it on yer own

i believe Miss Bernhard said it best when she said...
"don’t let anyone fuck you over…fuck them over FIRST!...FUCK THEM UP!"


now if you wouldn't mind...time fer me to soak

in some jean nate' after bath body splash...

with cool cumber slices blanket'n my eyes...
so kindly get off my dress!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

it's the little things

there are many little things in life that'd we'd all like to ferget...
like when a good friend searches fer her contact lens on the dance floor fer an hour til you finally have to tell her that she doesn't wear any and to pick up her dignity and toss her A double snakes in a cab cuz she can't afford to pay this babysitter
or when yer in a rush to jump in the shower and get ready fer the most important date of yer life and you mistakenly grab a bottle of drano...instead of doosh
or when you spoil the plethora of nieces and nephews that have been bestowed upon you every chance you get when yer piggy bank allows you to...but they ferget that yer a registered voter on amazon's wish list or even a simple call on the most underrated holiday of the year known as gay uncles day...even if i'd rather be referred to as their aunt
after leave'n my 9 to 5 job after 9.5 years (and trust me...that .5 really does make a HUGE difference in some circumstances) at TCFuckers*...i decided to live off my newly acquired employment inheritance known as the 401k...and still at the tender but just barely there supple age of 45...it was time fer a new direction fer part 2 of this so called journey we call life
though many things went thru my head...and some thru my bed...day would turn into many sleepless nites...stare'n aimlessly at the ceiln fer hours on end...and in the end...i would do all i could just to try and force myself just to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen...try'na pour myself a cup of ambition...yawn'n..stretch'n try'na come to life
from online interview to phone interview and eventually sometimes i'd make it to the front door...but door after door was slammed in my face...much like a dominant tooth chipper to his hungry whore...i would crawl back into my hole...or at the very least try and find one to slam into...that was tight enough that didn't feel like a boat show could run thru it with ease
the hidden depths of depression is unbearably palpable and quite frankly IS NOT a pretty blouse that looks good on anyone period...but especially if yer the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...like me!
time was tick'n by so slowly...and i couldn't pull a position outta my ass no matter how hard i was...i mean tried...don't even get me started on the unreturned texts or phone calls that were apparently made to annoy those who couldn't be bothered to return them in a timely manner
then in just one week...the 7 month itch would finally be under control...without the help of ANY antibiotics i might add...i could finally feel the light at the end of the proverbial unemployed tunnel
it all started with a simple homeless man i spotted after leave'n an interview that i was in fer almost an hour (and you know somethin' gotta be good there)...though he asked fer some simple change to purchase a simple gram of meth (that is a direct quote...almost)...i responded with helplessness...only if he had a credit card reader attached to his barely there threads...i'd be more than happy to donate a small portion of my benjamins to his addiction...alas though...i rarely ever carry any change...well unless some down low joe leaves a quarter on the counter on their way out...but they rarely do these days...
as i walked away with a much happier pep in my step fer fer the 1st time in 7 months fer pt 2 of my so called life...i heard him exclaim..."i'd tap that ass!" (and that is a direct quote!) awww...soo soo sweet! as i turned back to try and thank him graciously fer unassumingly raise'n my spirits as he clutched onto his spirits in a paper bag...i became blinded by the shiny bracelets he was now wear'n compliments of the boys in blue...but it's the little things that mean so much to me at this point
as i made my way back to the temp service that serviced me better than any other service provider thru-out the metro area and beyond fer the past 7 months...i told my save'n grace that the interview went fine and that they would contact them within a week about whether or not i was right fer the position...(but i gotta tell ya kittens...rub-a-dub-dub-come-hop-in-my-tub...i'm good at just about any position you put me in)
we chatted about life in general fer a mere minute or 2 and as i was ready to walk out the door...this complete stranger/savior told me to hold on a minute...cuz she'd just received an email say'n that they wanted to offer me the position...i rarely use big words correctly...but i was so ecstatically humble that i could'a been eat'n a bagel filled with razor blades and it wouldn't have affected me in the slightest...the fact that a complete stranger who knew nothing about me...wanted to get invested in me enough and get the best deal she could...again...it's the little thing
i was ride'n on such a huge wave of euphoria at the moment...that i was certain...eventually it would all come crash'n down on me and i would be back at square one
*to top it off...the new company was gonna pay'n me almost DOUBLE from my previous position...where i was treated like a middle aged chimp make'n chump change on a daily basis with a donut trough as reward fer all the hard work (but more on that topic in a later blog)
3 days would pass before my life and my piggy bank would finally start gain'n some weight...and i was gett'n myself ready to meet my 3 cuz's Stacy...Jacque & Nadjua....a couple of friends...and about 3000 other burbian freaks...thanx to my one cuz Tim...at thee event of the year in Maplewood Mn at the Myth Club to recapture my tenacious teenage terrorific years with CULTURE CLUB in concert
though i got the looks of a leper enter'n a beauty contest as i walked up to the venue from the crowd anxiously wait'n to get inside the club and out from under the blister'n sun...then i hadda remind myself that i am rubber and they are just unimportant glue... i've learned over years of deal'n with countless finger pointers and lookie loo's...who don't even have the decency to offer up any canned goods...to not let their untalented and unwarranted stares affect me in any way
i was minutes away from turn'n into a puddle of maybelline and jewels in the park'n lot...when they finally opened up sesame...and as the crowd of costco beauty contestants...my cuz's and myself made our way thru the front doors....it felt like i was stepp'n back into 1984 all over again and made a b-line straight to the front of the stage...
i ended meet'n up with Vicky Ticky Tavy...(you'll remember her from here of course)...she's like my best look'n temporary tattoo i've ever had...that...in time...will eventually fade away until the next Culture Club site'n...and her roomie Tom
as the room filled full of the jean nate' after bath body splashers and poco rabanne over dosers...the unflatter'n houselights went down and the stage lights flooded the house...the band poured out one by one...the butterflies were ravage'n my stomach like a mongolian warlord that i thought i had under control...this is until the 3rd song and i almost lost all consciousness...
due to the fact that i was singled out by the one and only BOY...who acknowledged my very existence when it felt like the rest of the world around me hadn't in some time...by name dropp'n me from the stage and lett'n everyone know he follows me on Twitter
2 words: ABSO-FUCK'N-LUTE BLISS!
music has always been the best anti depressant out there fer me...and i've been O.D'n on it since i was but a wee unintentionally internationally unknown performer of my own universe...the show was absolutely fan-fuck'n-flawless and the once unconscious crowd who didn't give a rats A double snakes about me earlier...now wanted me to be their best selfie friend...i tried gett'n my cuz Jacque back stage to finally meet BOY (since i had already had my moment in time) unfortunately though the band had already left the build'n...but we all had an amaze'n time...
and though i wished i'da had this moment filmed in HD by George Lucas...with a match'n soundtrack...it was a momentous moment that'll never leave my memory...well...that is until dementia decides to ravage my cerebral cortex..and i'm complain'n about how i was cheated outta a couple jell-o squares in the raisin ranch...
i was lucky enough to get a surprise email outta the blue from again another complete stranger...who tracked me down on FB...who just HAPPENED to be film'n at the very moment BOY called ME out from the stage and sent me the footage...see how the little things can be bigger than anything you'd ever expect
thanx a mill to BOY...the videographer...the homeless man & the temp and to my cuz's & friends that helped turn myself into someone else
so when you see a stranger on the street...maybe someone who doesn't follow any leader in their life...or someone you know is try'na reach out...why don't ya try say'n or doin somethin' nice fer 'em...even if it's just lend'n out a lil ear-time...you might not get much outta it...but it's the little things that could change the other person's outlook on life immensely
now get off my dress!