Monday, January 23, 2017

the ALTINATOR

gather round kittens...cuz i gotta excite'n new story to tell ya

well...after this past weekends unauguratation shenanigan'd shit show

1st off is that comparison pic from the greatest president of the new millennium

try'n to prove who had the most bigley turnout in the history of 
presidential turn-outs...now...at first sight...it looks as though that Mango Mussolini didn't have as much of a turnout...compared to that of OBAMA back in 2009 of course...what the press had failed so miserably to report on is...that though it may have look'd as if there was alotta empty space on the ground...much like inside Miss K's head...but if the press would'a just used a simple zoom lense...they would noticed...
it was entirely packed with supporters...
but apparently no one on the ground gave the accurate results from the hired ticket counters along the parade route
so Miss Cuntess Conway decided to clear things up by release'n the much anticipated...easy guide to fun facts when you don't want people to assume yer just a pile of mental batshit

it's was a sad day at the Bachmann's residence

and in case ya wanna get a jump on yer shopp'n fer yer lil ones...get the latest must have doll fer this years holiglazed season

soin case yer wonder'n...here are some other fun alternative facts that may be not true...but don't bother try'na verify'n any of em...cuz make'n shit up is way more fun when you don't think you have to be held accountable anymore...like this one...
alternative fact #1...dinosaurs were actually very docile cave cats
alternative fact #2...Lindsay Lohan lost out the starr'n role to Sally Field in "not without my daughter"
alternative fact #23...William Hung has sold more records than the Beatles and Madonna combined
alternative fact #4...Scott Baio is just a sad...desperate...republican...anal wart...just try'na restart his career...well ok...that's a bad example that one's not so much an alternative fact...as it is just a sad fuck'n fact

in the end...if anyone tries to even say that those 300+ marches 
thru-out the world this past weekend...surpassed the inauguration of her boss...Lord FUCKFACE CLOWNSTICK...by millions...it simply can't compare to his actual number of brain dead lobotomized followers he had follow'n him on twitter and other social media outlets
cuz really...if you take a poll from all the Helen Keller's in the entire universe...it never even happened!
she's sorta like a presidential terminator...drunk on dramamine...and less mass appeal...well cuz of her constant c-o-n-s-t-i-p-a-t-i-o-n

 now get off my dress!

Monday, January 16, 2017

the SIN is in

so you may think how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?...
well...i'd just say yer a fuck'n idiot try'na figer out some stupid trailer park haiku...
i'm more interested in how much wood...would a Chuck have?
so while a portion of the city was pull'n out their portions of some canker sored casserole the other nite

i decided to donate a huge chunk of my hard earned red light benjamins...
to the arts and entertainment industry of Sin City fer the very 1st time...with a "friend" (no...not that kind kittens) after a couple of holiglazed cocktails at the theater one even'n...to check out that relic of resistance once again...the one and only CHER at the Monte Carlo in Las Vegas sat feb 18th
(you instant oatmeal generation freaks of Cher Lloyd's fame should be ashamed...i mean seriously...very very ashamed...cuz all she's done is attached herself to a name that has been around as long as the dinosaur days of pop entertainment...and she can't hold a candle...let alone a note...to the great and powerful CHER) 
just another case of an incredible ICON...bein' duplicated by a cheap imitation with some talent

unfortunately...a month later i would get royally fuck'd over...via text...by this "unmentionable" who decided that they could no longer go at this point!
apparently my friendship is only worth the basement bottom price of $201...a not so cheap life lesson to never trust anyone's words any more...(much like that Lord Orange Anus Twitter Tantrum anal wart take'n office) and since i don't own stock in Fort Knox...i will not dignify their existence at this point when i'm just give'n the option to basically find "anybody else?" (and that is a direct quote)
all of a sudden i found myself reflect'n in the dark...the last time we both got to encounter the almighty...original...DARK LADY in the Minne-Apple...
time to go back in time

so inside...i found my seat and waited anxiously fer this spectacle to begin
but wouldn't ya know it...it's just my luck...i'd be stuck next to some ornery Weeza Boudreauz chatterbox doin the sugar shuffle or piddle dance (they're so close in there movements)...who won free tickets at the church bizarre and had an opinion about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g...from the current state of Mediscare to how prices fer shows ain't like they used to be in the good ol' days...yea and apparently...neither is the use of proper hygiene...but i wasn't gonna let this halitosis heat stroker define the even'n

so we chatted about how we loved the unstoppable force known as CHER
and i accidentally on purpose spilled out how i was the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and how i am read on every continent across this universe on my weekly blog...and i will read her in a minute...except i don't read...i am read to...so she asked me in her best geriatric gesture if she could review the show on my blog so she too could feel just as unimportant as me across the world

fine...take it away Weeza...(ps...CHER...when you read this...and i know you will...i had ALMOST nothing to do with this review...i swear!)
hey out there...can you see me?
(just give yer damn review before i punch you in the neck...ya damn DEPENDS demon)

ok lemme see...oh so let's start at the top with the open'n act...
i heard of bein' late fer yer own funeral...but MRS. LAUPER was late fer her own damn show...runn'n thru the crowd like she was Rocky Balboa...fergett'n she's suppose to be runn'n out from behind the stage...
but i heard she was gett'n a sugar free red-bull at CVS down the street and got hassled by a "homeless" man fer some bus change on her way back...
honey yer a damn star...you don't need to put up with that bullshit!
but i gotta say...she was so engage'n to the audience..and sang her lil song bird heart out from the start all the way to the end...and the fact that she did "GOONIES R GOOD ENOUGH"...left me puzzled...well cuz i didn't know what the hell a GOONIE was...but what the hell do i know...i can't tell the difference between my  preparation H and my poly grip half the time these days

i was glad she ended after about 45 minutes...cuz i needed to piddle bad!

and about 30 minutes later...the curtains were pulled down...
and there she was...Miss Sarkisian...appear'n on some 50 foot pillar plastered in gold leaf paint (probably leftovers from the Sonny and Cher set...which means full of lead) look'n like some amazonian peacock queen...dripp'n in glitterness...belt'n it out to "WOMAN'S WORLD"...followed by a couple others that i didn't really care to remember

then she decided to bore the crowd with a mini movie of her come'n outta some coffin..as if she'll be around fer 1000 of years past our expiration date
and was slowly hoisted up from under the stage as some Vampiress tchotchke on a chintzy chandelier dripp'n in blood red jewels...bein' molested by these devil worshipp'n voodoo dancers...sing'n an homage to herself in "DRESSED TO KILL"...apparently she had a bowl of narcissism flakes before the show

minutes later after her dancers were done girate'n around the stage...
like a bunch of love starved slaves have'n a seizure...she put us to sleep with her trip down memory lane video...while she jumped outta her delorean she had back stage i'm guess'n...cuz the stage was transformed into this eye popp'n vertigo acid trip from the good ol days when music was music...look'n like some shimmery blood clot wrapped in ostrich feathers...doin her tribute to her days with Sonny on  "THE BEAT GOES ON"
but when she sung her dueted with Sonny on "I GOT YOU BABE"...you'da swore you were in some sorta celestial time warp...and Sonny never left the build'n...i thought i almost was gonna drop a tear...then i realized my cataracts were just act'n up

shortly there after...the light went completely black...so of course i panicked cuz i thought i finally went blind and Mr. Reaper was come'n to get me...but minutes later up came the lights...and the stage was transformed into some cirque de soleil...but if yer ask'n me...looked more like this circus is so gay...apparently we were now in the early 20th century carnival of her career...complete with a bearded lady...strong man...and a very tall man...
doin a medley of her gems from the 70's...twirl'n around like some teenage jezebel in her bed skirt to "GYPSIES TRAMPS AND THIEVES
to mere seconds later slipp'n thru some magical door...and emerge'n wrapped in some blood sausage case'n in a politically uncorrect "HALF BREED" kitty cover...surrounded by bright ojibwe ticklers...just to piss off the politically demented sexless correctors

soon enough she would basically bathe herself in yet another bloated video gloat'n about her dismal movie career and winn'n that damn Oscar just fer slapp'n Nicky Cage...while she was backstage give'n herself a B12 shot...
in the ass cuz her narcolepsy was kick'n in...then surfaced in a pair of hysterectomy shorts and penguin coat...titillate'n the audience with risque dancers dressed in barely enough to keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle...on her latest failed relationship with the silver screen on "WELCOME TO BURLESQUE"...and then finish'n it off with her whiny hit "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME"

well...while she decided to grab a tictac and chug down a case of dr. pepper in her dress'n room...we were treated to yet another couple of male dancers chiseled outta granite...in a very non heterosexual performance...float'n thru the air like a pair of slither'n succubus's...but trust me...i just scrolled thru my online color'n book bible verses...king james edition of course...(secretly thought ladies...HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE...PRAISE THE LORD!)

by now...my 2nd metamucil martini was kick'n into over drive...
but i wasn't about to leave after see'n this gigantic under-stated over-sized trogan horse bein' pulled out to center stage...and as a dancer rips open the horse's chest...out pops this blonde eye sore dressed in an armor of gold as if she made it thru the wilderness...belt'n it out to her latest fizzle "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN"

an hour into the show...the poor thing was about ready to pass out...
from all the hoopla...so she slipped into some comfy slimm'n one piece jumper from Lame Bryant and slipped into yet another lame story about how...at the tender and supple age of 16...went to see Elvis live with her mom and danced in her chair like all the rest of the other menstrual cramps...and sung "WALK'N IN MEMPHIS"..and practically begged the audience to disagree with her when she said she never really liked sing'n that flop "JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES"

up next was more dance breaks with flashiness that's best reserved fer those movie theaters with "back rooms" if ya catch my drift...i was about ready to loose my turnip and radish casserole i had before the show

then nothing says she's lost her will to survive another nite alone...
by parade'n out in that damn dental floss getup from her glory days when she could bounce quarters and bagel boys off her A double snakes...while croon'n the crowd with "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME"...listen here lady...the geriatrix fer g-string tour is never gonna happen...so give it up!

i will confess though...she wasn't a complete mess...

when she decided to redo her resurrection song..."BELIEVE"
which i thought was about time some pop star wrote a decent danceable hit fer our CASPER "SAVIOR" up above...molested in ropes of swarkovski crystals with a glitter'n heart just barely obscure'n her left dirty pillow light..and surrounded by glow in the dark dancers...flipp'n around to those jungle beats...i thought...FINALLY...this ol' mule knows how to end a show properly

but then she hadda fuck it all up..act'n like she's ALL that...
by float'n high above the crowd...thru the entire arena...like this bitch was Glinda the good witch...to her latest dismal drippage "I HOPE YOU FIND IT"
all in all...this ol' broad's show was just eh!...i'da rather won the macrame muumuu that nite instead...but seriously kittens...i think she's lost her mittens!...jesus mary kate and ashley simpson on a cross...lady...cash in yer stock...over charge yer AARP card and call it a nite already would ya?...cuz yer make'n the rest of us raisin ranchers model'n incontinence slacks look like damn fools!

well i guess that's all i gotta say to you folks...
 i wanna thank this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe fer lett'n me take over this week...time to head home and have a bottle of misery to ease my ache'n corns

ps...hey kittens...i just wanted to add...her obviously overly medicated opinions do not reflect my experience...the show FUCK'N ROCKED!
how many of these bitches will we even remember in about 20 years time?
if ya haven't seen her live...yer miss'n the CHEREST FAIREST FAREWELL of them all before she starts on her broadway musical about her existence

so time to start turn'n in my tin cans and silver fill'ns fer some pocket change...those slots aren't gonna pull themselves...and trust me...what happens in Vegas...will not ALL be stay'n in Vegas...so get off my dress!