Monday, April 16, 2018

a phoenix to the flamers!

i am so over the fuck'n moon fer the titillate'n and triumphant return of thee
brilliantly hysterical hysterectomy hilarities of one MISS KATHY FUCK'N GRIFFIN (F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!) this june 26th @ her SOLD THE FUCK OUT SHOW in under 24 hrs @ Carnegie hall in the Big Apple...i of course will be gett'n devirginized..via the Carnegie...fer the very 1st time (and trust me...it's been years since i can say that without bust'n out laugh'n)...but there's plenty of opportunities to catch her at other selected dates around the country and scattered across the border...
SO CLICK THE FUCK RIGHT HERE ALREADY FER TIX FER FUCKS SAKE!
those boxes of wine fer Maggie ain't gonna pay fer themselves!
ps...this is a non paid endorsement...but since i wasted...like a perfectly good regrettable SCRUFF hook up...(true story) MISS K YOU OWE ME BIG fer this!...perhaps you can possibly hook me up with one of yer trained lonely monkeys when i cum to town (insert wink wink here) i'm just say'n...can ya help an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe out pleez? cuz i'm have'n one helluva time try'n a find a reasonably rated roach motel to lay my supple and oh so plump A double snakes on that won't break my piggy bank
BUTT lets back it up a bit...shall we kittens?

i have been O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with this sassy lil firecracker ever since... 
her epic on screen debut as one of MEDUSA's backup dancer's...who was told not to go complain'n to a lawyer about accept'n a pay cut...cuz of the yen conversion rate...in the equally epic non academy award winn'n film "DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"
but MISS K really broke out as a woman to be reckoned with...play'n VICKI GROENER...co-worker to that Gloria Vanderbilt jeans model chick (whatever her name is from the 80's) in the 90's...on the hit show "SUDDENLY SUSAN"...that i'm still wait'n patiently to purchase on dvd so i got some quality tv to reminisce on while they're serve'n me jell-o in the home 3 times a day
of course who can ferget her emmy award winn'n reality show "MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST"...
thee best new years hostess with the mostess...by far...(that's NOT an opinion...that's A FACT JACK!) on CNN...with endless tours around the globe fer eons...ALL ON HER VERY OWN terms without the help from the Weinstein's of the world...THAT IS....
until it came to an unwarranted shit storm from our mentally deranged piece of pig shit #45 currently disgrace'n the oval orifice and use'n the constitution as his own personal ass wipe...along with his band of pied piper brain dead lobotomized CASPER crusaders that decided to put a hollyweird hit out on her career...ALL BECUZ OF HER 1ST AMENDMENT RIGHT as a genius comedienne...dripp'n in A-1 barbecue sauce
well...MISS K is back with a vengeance with her beyond brilliant portrayal of helter skeletor Kelly Anne Conned-Her-Way-In on Comedy Centrals "PRESIDENT'S SHOW"
you know the one i'm talk'n about....that cracked out scarecrow and spokes model fer that horrible horrible tragedy...don'tcha remember?
and she is done zipp'n her lip and apologize'n to ALL the haters and skaters from her illustrious career...and i fer one can't wait to ride this wave...so get yer tix to see MISS K in her "LAUGH YOUR HEAD OFF" world tour today...cuz they're sell'n faster than the press secretary Sanders spins at her press brief'ns
and get off my dress!

oh yea...before i go...side note...
and go see KATHY!...why not!

Monday, April 9, 2018

disenchanted granted!

who ever said ALL fairy tales are suppose to have happy end'ns..
are full of himalayan pig shit!...so there i was...on my 1st non pressurized...non sexualized date in roughly 2 years...with 3 months of back and forth chitter chatter about everything...well about everything EXCEPT sex...(which mind you...i have absolutely ZERO prob doin still...my junk still works without any pharmaceutical magically delicious blue pills) but it was just nice...i decided to pick him up in my pinto blow-about...barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer one day after work...and the 1st thing he has to say after make'n me sit and wait 10 minutes fer his supply bubbly A double snakes (hey i'm no Helen Keller) to stop look'n thru his binoculars to see if i really was worth the elevator ride down from his boudoirs...and says "hmmm...yer wear'n rainbow colored gloves?"
well...i'll just let you imagine how this fairytale played out on yer very own
so the follow'n day i decided to take myself on a much long awaited date...with MEEEEE...and said to myself...i said self...keep yer hands where i can see em...and no patty cake'n when we get home
i decided to find myself in the 3rd row at the fabulous Cyndi Lauper/Harvey Fiernstein musical on the close'n nite in St Paul MN...all was goin absolutely magical...THAT IS...until right before the 1st intermission...with one song left to go and the lead hottie...Charlie...that i swore was sing'n directly to MEEEEE durin' the entire performance...well cuz we were gonna run off to Switzerland and raise mongolain whistle children from the Madonna Malawi collection...collapsed on stage!
i was mortified...was it cuz of the reflection from my CUNT cap that i recently purchased in boystown...that was highly recommended to me by these 2 KD Lang...card carry'n home depot lezbitronix shopp'n next to me...that blinded my future ferry-tale to fall so helplessly on stage in front of hundreds and be carried off by 2 equally yummilicious stage hands?

i thought...OH WELL...ain't this just a crock a shit of a weekend all around!
so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around...and researched how all those fairy tales i read about as a small...but highly influential...pre internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...made me believe everything was gonna turn out all rainbows and unicorns when i grew up...W-E-L-L...turns out...it never really worked out like we thought fer anyone in those stories
they're were ALL full of shit!...like fer instance...

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...
try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that hole...into a crazy and wonderful world that consisted of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....
years later...would end up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a complete lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross the border back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...
who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and would also help clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...
Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet...well young Red had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master in a pissed stained holly hobby gown and snapped goin' all ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol' hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...
 beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...
but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen
who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...
and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...
yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!

Monday, April 2, 2018

GOLIATH meets DAVID

we've all encountered those situations at some point in our lives
where someone who is thinks that they're either bigger...better...whorey'er than the rest...tries to make you feel inferior and tries desperately to put you in yer place
only to ultimately be left in the dust once the planets have aligned when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars

case in point...FOX NEWS FAUZ SNOOZE...or as i like to call em
that god damn propaganda pieces of unbelievable shit spins channel...well everyone on there except fer saucy patty caker Shepard Smith...he's got that believable old school blue-eyed Sinatra crooney savoir flaire about him...with juuuuust the right twist (*insert wink wink here*)

so after all the conspiracy theorists that have spun the Parkland Florida victims of Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school KIDS...into aluminum foil rate'ns...most notably EMMA GONZALEZ and DAVID HOGG as mere
 "crisis actors"...wellll....GOLIATH...meet DAVID!

so FAUZ SNOOZE's Wal-mart bad bottle jobbed Ann Coulter knock off...
Laura Ingraham...decided to pick apart A CHILD SURVIVOR OF A MASS SHOOTING by tweet'n out last wednesday...that DAVID HOGG...with a 4.1 GPA...was turned down by 4 colleges he applied for...and that he was whine'n about it to everyone...when in fact DAVID HOGG was asked about his future and he just happened to mention that 4 schools he was interested in that just turned him down even though he was accepted by many others
of course...she's not alone in this dissemination of A CHILD SURVIVOR OF A MASS SHOOTING...these 2 brain dead douche rag dipshits Nugget & Stallone's half twit lil brother Frankie...hadda throw in their 2 cents worthlessness

so DAVID HOGG...the supposed "whiner" by Miss Cunt-Ruffle 2018...
decided to show her how much of a "whiner" he really is...by ask'n his 600,000+ followers (me bein' one of them myself) to contact her propaganda fueled nite program sponsors...and tell them of yer distaste with this vile ADULT on CHILD unconscionable bitch slap cyber-bully'n
well...money talks and they (the sponsors) listened and within 24 hrs...6 companies had pulled all there ad mullah from this vaginal warts show...

with all these currently loose'n interest with their love affair fer Laura

of course...can you guess who's kiss'n his "whiney" 4.1 GPA ass now?
like someone somewhere once said "fuck with the bull...and you'll get the horns"...and DAVID is done with the twist'n of the 2nd amendment bullshit!

now get off my dress!

Monday, March 26, 2018

NEVER AGAIN!

remember when Ralphie begged that jolly ol' fat ass that he wanted
an official Red Ryder...carbine action...200-shot range model air rifle...with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time...to which saint diabetic so impetuously replied "you'll shoot your eye out kid!"
it was bad enough bein' subjected to a damn double dog dare you by yer douche rag friends in the bleak winter lunch break at school
i myself can recall the roughest times i ever had as a teenage terror in the 80's was try'n to figer out which base...lip gloss and eyeliner went best with my aura on any given day...all while i was bein terrorized by some ax weild'n scissor happy tight end and his dipshitter possee
some kids CAN BE ASSHOLES...and they have to take some responsibility fer their actions...

BUTT...

brilliant filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE thought he had awaken the country
to asinine gun laws and school shootings with his his brilliant documentary "BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE" in 2002
unfortunately...times...they...are...a change'n!
instead of dodge'n balls and biology class like the good ol' days
kids today are unilaterally dodge'n bullets and brain splatters unfortunately ever since Columbine
today's schools in this country...at random...without any notice...have become literal battlefields...and unfortunately not because of love

with the latest bein' Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland
Florida...where 14 students and 3 teachers lost their lives...well...these students have had ENOUGH!
the most outspoken of the survivors...EMMA GONZALEZ and DAVID HOGG...both accused by far right conspiracy fucktards as "paid crisis actors" of course...but they are anything but...urge'n their congressional constituents to basically quit bein cunt-fluffers for the NRA...or come mid term...they will be apply'n fer unemployment when they are VOTED OUT!
i can recall have'n this same bullshit conversation with an extended member of my own family years back when he went batshit cuz they ran outta the ever popular hunt'n rifle...high capacity blood bath shredder...known to most brain dead 2nd amendment asswipes as thee AR-15...all cuz he heard somewhere that OBAMA was gonna take away his CASPER fear'n rights as an american...to be able to turn Rudolph into swiss cheese if he chose to
1st off...OBAMA...(clearly one of thee best prez's we've EVER had since the turn of the new century...that's not opinion...or open to discussion...that is a verified FACT!) NEVER intended to take away ANYONE's rights to bear arms...much to the crock of shit vommit'n outta their murderous mouths of the right wing repuglicants and repuglicunts dur'in his 8 years in office...he merely wanted to curtail the sales of the infamous AR-15 that obliterated the lives of 20 kindergarteners and 6 teachers

which has been the fire arm of choice by the mentally deranged killers...
from San Bernardino... 
to Sandy Hook...
from a movie theater in Aurora....
to the dancers at PULSE nightclub... 
and the concert goers in VEGAS...
and recently added is MARJORY STONEMAN DOUGLAS HIGH SCHOOL unfortunately!

but leave it to our unfortunate piece of mentally deranged pig shit #45
so what happens if you get a teacher that's mentally deranged themselves? (much like yerself mr piece of mentally deranged pig shit) or if the teacher gets shot...who's next in line for that gun?...also what insurance policy will the teachers and schools need to purchase once a parent decides to sue the school and the district fer wrongful death? or what if the trained gun tott'n teacher accidentally shots one off in his class by mistake?
place'n Barney Fife at every school across the country...DOES NOT OR WILL NOT give them a sense of security...schools are meant to be a place to learn...
not to feel like they need to break outta to Alcatraz come 3 o'clock
fer that mentally deranged dipshit in the WH to try and say that schools
are a gun free zone and that's why it makes it so easy fer the mentally deranged shooters to have a field day popp'n of Peggy and Peter and their pals like a shoot'n gallery at the carnival...is like say'n....
well...that thee Austin bomber was give'n a hall pass to do his destruction cuz there were all these bomb free zones" everywhere in Austin...if everyone would'a hadda bomb to protect themselves...derrr...ummm...none of this would'a ever happened!
ummm...see how stupendously brilliant you sound?

but perhaps a word from everyone's fav-o-rit 'merican "christian" speaker 
Betty Bowers can break it down on both sides of the gun issue

the 2nd amendment was meant to defend you and yer familia...not to be bastardized by basturds to extinguish crowds of kittens in under a minute
or less...with the recent MARCH FOR OUR LIVES on DC and around the country...and the world...this past weekend...started by students who want to be pick'n out corsages instead of pick'n out caskets...the future is theirs to take control and not be afraid to walk to school

leave it to this frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that sometimes
is the byproduct of anal clown sex...whiiiining that the kids outta be take'n CPR classes instead of march'n for gun reform...cuz ummm the logic there...i'm sure is...well geez...they can save their fellow students with gun shot wounds faster than it would take fer paramedics to get to the scene...yea...that's what it'll do!
so schools all of a sudden outta be triage centers instead of learn'n centers...mister shit-fer-brains?
OH YEA...& FUCK YER THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

to those 2nd amendment dipshits that believe their constitutional right
 to possess firearms is bein' stripped away by use'n that as their argument...a huge FUCK YOU!!...a kid should not be used as a target fer yer toys!

how is yer right to own an assault weapon outweigh their right to live?

and get off my dress!