Monday, November 24, 2014

regurgitation nation

i've been asked a merried of times since i was old enough to know which way i was gonna butter my bread…how do i know if i don't sexually like non-homosexual women if i haven’t tried one…(nothing against my lezbitronic sisters…but rarely am i asked if i might be one of their kind)
the $64,000 question…that i've been asked just about…oh…i don’t know…64,000 TIMES!

let’s join my life already in progress…shall we?

i touched lightly on this subject a while back…
but let’s explore it a bit more…so there's NO confusion!

first off…it boggles my mind why anyone that has not give'n me…at the very least…a birthday prezzie…(or a STD for that matter) would not be able to get their irritably-bitter-bible-thump'n-non-homosexual-baby-make'n machinery function'n properly if i'm not…how do you non homosexuals refer to it as again?...
"bang'n the beaver"…

the climactic "butter'n the muffin"…

"poke'n the pie hole" or...

every non homosexual males favorite..."milk'n the melons"

don't worry…i'll get to "MY PEOPLES" poetic titles soon enough

(FYI…i don't believe in disclaimers…it cuts down on my traffic…so if yer old enough to open my world up with a click of a couple of buttons...yer old enough to know better…and if yer easily offended by offensive imagery...well...to bad ya ain't double jointed...cuz ya can bend over and fuck yerself)

so where was i?…oh yea…how it will benefit…or better yet…
justify your existence and wash away yer delusionally warped thought process if you knew i actually committed unnatural acts on some cookie cutter cunt of your choice?

let's go back in time and see where it all went horrifically wrong...

i never got the "birds-n-the-bee's" story grow’n up in my household…

i just remember my dad as being this fun love'n…hard work'n grizzly bear…
provide'n for his cubs (at this point there was only 6 in the den…2 more would be crawl'n about the follow'n years to close out the 70's)

and mama bear...barely hold'n on to her sanity ...
in the insane household of diaper rashes and dirty clothes

our moderately priced 19 inch zenith black and white television...
was nothing to brag about..nor did we stand in sub zero weather fer hours at midnite to fulfill a fade'n fad...but it kept us entertained...when tv was actually tv...with shows like...



and who could forget the girl who could turn the world on...
and not her implanted A double snakes

grow'n up on the farm...there's was plenty to do....
from sew'n the seeds...while nature grew the seeds...then we ate the seeds…

feed'n the monstrous cluckers…

and goin to the local comedy act on most sundays

i hadn't been touched inappropriately by a man of the cloth…
or had any "THORNBIRDS" thoughts

i don't recall being strapped to my high chair and shown
"boom chickie wow wow" movies involve’n steamy man-on-man action...by one of the many cousins that used to babysit me...

nor was i subjected to endless hours of tap dance'n classes

i pretty much knew what tripped my trigger at the tender and supple age of 5…i can actually pin point where it all began...when fingers found flesh and my palm pilot was ready to take off

i remember flipp'n thru the back of Joan Crawford's jc penny catalogs...
in the bedroom i shared with 3 of my brothers and completely ignored the cross my heart advertisements

and went straight (ironic huh?) for the Jim Palmer underwear ads
(this was the actual ad i believe)

i would get to relive my fascination with the full male formation when we moved into our new house on 4th st years later and i seen my first full man on woman porn at the still tender (but already impressed) age of 13 while visit'n my cousin's console tv with 2 of my sibs one summer afternoon...
and know'n the only thing i wanted to do to the nekid baby maker in the movie was back comb her hair a bit more (let me clarify...it was above her shoulders...and NOT below her boulders)

all my brothers and my sister are all...

live'n their naturally born lives...and are as happy as married couples can get...but you and i are aware there are sexually suppressed married couples live'n in denial due to societies standards and ignorance as a whole (thankfully times are a change’n though)...but that’s not my problem…i never ordered those "issues" and have cancelled my subscription to others who've tried to sign me up to their membership

so there ya have it kittens…looks like society or the entertainment industry as a whole had nutt'n to do with my sexually flavored behavior…but if yer STILL not convinced i'm happy just the way i am…then FINE!

how do YOU know you don’t like a tooth chipper?

a sword swallower?

perhaps a thick piece of meat (cut or uncut) choke’n the back of yer throat…or better yet...

remove’n yer lungs?

perhps tea bagg'n is more yer taste?

punch'n into Charlie and the Chocolate factory can be entertain'n…
provided the factory is cleaned out of course

in conclusion…i was born a happy non heterosexual child...
(for the most part)...who happens to enjoy cock

but this alone does not define me as a person just wait'n for someone to chant my name...while jump'n off a cliff

stop with try’n to convert…indoctrinate…pass judgment or strip "us" of our dignity (without slipp'n a dollar in the ol' g-string first) whom you think are live'n in sin...since me and a large population of non-heterosexuals are not doin it to you

i can admit though...i've been around those who think they can and make it their mission in life to try to convert...but really...if they have any indication of interest...it's probably a good guess that they haven't cancelled their subscription...so...game over!

so if yer a non homosexual male who's doesn't like COCK…

or yer a non homosexual female who doesn't like PUSSY…

then eat what's on yer own plate...and get off my dress!

Monday, November 17, 2014

xanxdu me

it had been sometime since i had gotten up up and away from it all...
and luckily fer me...and a very generous text i received late one even'n...practically plead'n...to almost down right...
desperately seek'n some unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe attention...from some bored members of my fan club...
well...i was more than happy to entertain the trolls

so off it was to Oprahville with my fav-o-rit trusted and rusted VP and CEO to my fan club...fer an extended hedonistic h-weenie weekend...why not!
of booze..boys...and bobb'n fer blue balls

we originally planned on...or shall i say...i suggested we go as...
the 4 Jessica's of the Apocalypse...

but that was gonna be way too much of a hassle to find a 4th in town...
so we unanimously decided to go as the 3 blind...but incredibly slutty...mice

everything seemed to be goin well...that is until mother nature got a stick up her A double snakes...and threw a temper tantrum...and started toss'n up
 a 17 foot wall of waves along the shore line...shower'n the city with rainy snow like shards of  glass and fuck'd up our celebratory nite of evilness...needless to say...i was in no mood to look like a cut up drowned rat...so i decided to go as a simple sexually repressed out-of-towner with the libido of a giant gnat

i had heard how huge h-weenie was is in this town fer many many years...
with their h-weenie parade kick'n off thru boystown...which the theme this year was FREAKSHOW...(how original and innovative)...so i expected to see over the top costumes beyond anything i've ever experienced in the Minne-Apple

but with mother nature toss'n an attitude...it kinda put a damper into everyone's pamper'n themselves up...and the whole parade lasted a 
measly 15 minutes at best...the highlight fer me the entire nite and the only outfit i really thought put any thought behind it...was of course TWISTY the clown

so me and my posse just fumbled and stumbled our way thru the nite...
with everyone in the spirit...the spirits were definitely flow'n faster than the mighty mississip...but trust me...we weren't miss'n any sip

by morn'n my CEO decided to abandon us...so me and my VP were on our
way to devious behavior own...though i had never really ventured outside of boystown in all my stops to Oprahville over the years...i thought...oh...what harm can come of this?...so after 20 minutes of gett'n no where fast with the friend  bitter betty i was stay'n with...fer directions to my desired destination...i just hopped the L and headed down to Michigan Avenue

with my dyslexia and short term memory...i can easily get twisted around 
and lost...faster than a cripple in a corn field...but eventually i made my way to my VP's hotel and off we went on our drunk tank tour  his shopp'n spree

our 1st stop was an over priced snob shop Ralph Loren...though reek'n in style and sophistication fer those want'n to feel like they are far more superior than CASPER CHER once you walked thru the front doors...i felt like the fabrics alone were mock'n every move i made...but this was the 1st grand store i'd ever heard of with a "bar" and not a "backroom" in it...
 so i felt a lil bit outta place...and once we had bellied up to the bar...i was over whelmed by the array of spirits stand'n at attention...wink'n at me like some high class hooker...but i knew this bar would not accept my EBT card...so i figered i can't go wrong with my dinner in a glass...know to most as the bloody mary...that is until i got the check...though it was a good bloody...i was not ready to demean myself and pull out the knee pads (well just not yet anyways)...but seriously...i practically felt like i was just raped without my consent (there is a difference ya know...just fyi)

so off to our next destination a few blocks away...which i felt doesn't need any free advertise'n from me since i wasn't gett'n felt up by anyone there
 and like my VP says...if ya have to ask how much it is...then you can't afford it anyways...this is true...i guess the same could apply to me when i'm asked out by any gentle...or not so gentle...pole puffer or cobweb cleaner (insert LAUGH only here sicko)
though he found the perfect jacket that i will say fit him like a glove...made from lambchop and about 15 of her cousins...he just couldn't justify gett'n fisted fer fashion...so he left with a fab-u-less than the jacket... symmetrically zipped sweater

things didn't fair so well next door either...thanx to the hotter than hell...
middle eastern salesman...that...trust me...was sell'n alot more than just his dignity...we're talk'n nuclear arms here...built like a brick house...believe me when i say...i was ready to rock his casbah...this was some sorta well tailored parisian paradise...the style was exquisite...the tailor'n was impeccable...the mammary gland on the other hand that was try'na up sell their up scale items...was cock block'n at this point...
i was ready to sell someone's small child fer the not-so-blue-suede boots that were scream'n my name...but her annoy'n presence curbed me from become'n a salvation army recipient

my VP on the other hand...had plenty in his hand...but was now try'n to figer out which corner he'd be look'n fer a hand-out...so after a quick nibbly and a non alcoholic alcoholic refresher course...all was good in the world 
later that even'n...well let's be honest...it was pretty much like the nite before...without all the costumes...cock-blockers and confusion

travel was provided courtesy of my fan-club...(thank you ever so bored members) but since the rent was due upon my return...i knew i had a limited amount of benajims to play with on this trip...though if this kept up the way it was goin...(and we were only on day #2)...i'd be take'n a #2 fer hours once i returned...so i hadda bow out of a few things along the way

the follow'n day...i ventured out on my own fer a couple of hours to do some shopp'n in boystown...though nothin' was scream'n at me to remove 
any internal organs and take them home with me...i did manage to find the perfect tee fer me...
but by now i was ready to teabag the counter fag check'n me out...or was he just check'n me out?...i blanked fer a second...then he said..."umm is that gonna be cash or credit?"...small talk turned into ask'n if that was my real name...i said "it is...but you can just call me TONITE...i mean it"
 (hey...it was an honestly delicious mistake...you didn't see him)

by nite fall...it would be rinse and repeat all over again...but this time...
we were downtown to see the absolutely insane attention whore daredevil that was goin to tight walk rope across 2 build'ns...from the 50th floor...in downtown chicago...without ANY sort of safety net or harness...it was either feast on the accolades he would receive after his walk...or he'd be have'n dinner with the devil..
to say this guy was insane...is an understatement...it wasn't exactly palm springs weather out...and really...if i wanna risk my life to impress someone...well...i just won't...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...there's no one i feel worthy enough that i need to impress
so anyways...as Oprah's copter...or what we assumed was Oprah's copter...made circles around the build'n...it would take anothe hour and 40 minutes before his final he finally would step out fer his nite walk...
i swear...they built this thing up like Geraldo open'n the Capone vault in '86
thankfully though... this guy didn't end up with his face all over the cement below pie all over his face

we ended the vacation with sunday funday at our fav-o-rit homo haunt...
SIDETRACK fer showtunes nite 
(apparently yer shunned by the locals if you add an S at the end)
and you know the nite is gonna be good when you walk into XANADU...but don't you hate when this happens to me?
some local yokel from meals on wheels takes me on as part of his charitable act fer the even'n and follows me around like some love starved baboon...think'n i'm gonna be his lil voodoo doll to play with...though it had a been a while since my non baby maker blew some batter...i was in no mood fer this mad hatter

the debauchery ended that even'n at the lucky horseshoe...as it should've...
enough said!

i knew by morn'n...though i kept my dignity in tact thru-out the weekend...
i should'a been arrested fer practically starve'n my piggy bank of all it's vital organs...but i figred if need be...i could always polish off the knee pads when i returned home...but thankfully that didn't have to happen...this time!

now get off my dress!