Monday, August 18, 2014

highway to oh hell no!

my weekends usually consist of the 3 B's...
 booze...boys and the jobs most people call blow...hey i'm single...not dead

i had no one particular in mind as i was desperately check'n my FB page to see if there was anything out there worthy of my presence one weekend...
then i was reminded of a b-day party fer my cuz's in Dexter...(though i wish he was in me)...ummm just so there's no confusion...i'm talk'n about Dexter...not my cuz...inbreed'n is best left to the southern states
 i had a tough decision to make...between "toss'n my salad"...or just bring'n a salad to the festivities...but after an emergency meet'n with the people inside my head...we decided unanimously to go ahead and forgo the head...and the salad cuz really...that would be more work than i cared to invest in...and furthermore...my presence is the best presents anyone could ask for anyways...right?

besides...this was a dress up as yer fav-o-rit rock star or what you would wear to a concert 80's party...and i figered it had been awhile since i beat my face with some war paint...so as i was pack'n up my broomstick shitbox on wheels fer the party...i had one too many iconic looks to choose from...
do i go as the Karma Chameleon look?

touched fer the 37th hundred time look?

or hooker with Paulina Porizkova lips in heat look?

hmmm...well since this was a non equity non paid performance...i opted fer the easiest to get in and outta in a moments notice...hey what'dya want?
i was head'n to hickville...and you know there's always some desperately starved farmer with the delts want'n to show me how his john deer operates (insert snicker here)

once i had fueled up the car...pumped up the tires...and checked the gas stations stall fer any last minute requests business calls...i was on my way
but try'n to figer out the GPS on my trilogy of terror is like me try'n to use my ESP powers to find a prick with a pulse in a socially retarded STD free barrel...lost ya?...ummm that would be equivalent to find'n thee elusive unicorn kittens...it ain't eva gonna happen

well...it's best to start at the very beginn'n...so i did what any purely almost...
unbred non heterosexual would do...and that is...follow the yellow brick lines on the road

i'm not the biggest fan of ride'n alone to unknown destinations...
usually my unknown fans come to me fer a ride...(well you do understand this is the way it is once you've reached the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe status that i have)...but once i popped in my highway road trip hitz...it's like i was stepp'n out onto a massive stage...rock'n out to "you ain't woman enough to take my man"...by Miss Loretta Lynn...with the the passerbyers scream'n my name...well i guess it's cuz the light turned green...but anyways

15 minutes into the trip...i hadn't even crossed the outer city limits yet...
and i was completely over it already...i couldn't be bothered since not one person passed me that was worthy enough to gimme the heimlich  if i started choke'n on their chicken....
but it was a peaceful ride so i told my brain to shut the fuck up and enjoy the majestic beauty mother nature had to offer

i was half way to my cuz's when i decided my throat was parched and in much need of some quench'n...so i stopped at some road side station to fill my tank and empty my morals bladder in the restroom but next thing i know...i'm doin shots of wild turkey with some stranger and bein' led out to
the dancer floor...i'm think'n...wait...how did i get here?...and how in the hell did i ever learn how to line dance?...next thing i know...the room started spinn'n around and around...and not like a record i might add...but fer the record...i knew i should'a been record'n the events...as this sassy squatch with a hair lip helped me outside fer some fresh air and next thing i know he's toss'n me on the hood of my car like a love starved bean bag tell'n me "you shore do have a purdy mouth...may i kiss you on the lips?" i was like "ummm does a pimp take a personal check...uncle fester?"
BANG...BANG...i shot him down...but next thing ya know i'm bein' pursued by a pack of pigs...i was like...well if he'da popped a mentos...i'd at least let him go to 2nd base

i wondered how i had wandered from my destination...then i realized i was just drift'n off into Thelma and Louiseville from the nite before...ummm...ok...
F-O-C-U-S!!...there on the side of the road i noticed a long trail of blackness sprinkled with chunks of rubber and wondered to myself...what sorta moron doesn't check their tires before venture'n onto the highways to hell?...cuz that's the 1st thing i do before i ever leave on a long journey...
that's like the plot of most major thriller killers out there...then i felt a bit of a scratch'n beneath my foot come'n from the bottom of my car...but i figered oh well...it's probably some hitcher that hopped on board at my last stop...he'll eventually tire from hold'n on and fall off

i knew i was near'n my destination...cuz all i could smell was the fresh scent
of colonized CASPER crusaders and cow shit...it's so hard to distinguish the difference between the 2 these days

so i rang my cuz to find out which exit to hell i needed to take to make it to his place in one peace...but as he was about to tell me the directions then...
*BANG*BANG*SCHFIZZLE*HSSSS* 
it's as if the gate keeper at CASPER's castle opened it's doors and started take'n pot shots at me from above...just cuz i don't heed the rules in his comic book...OR...
my front wheel just tried to commit a jihad and make me dance with the devil...either case...i was not happy

Don McLean may have drove his chevy to the levy and the levy was dry...
but i had a millisecond to decide...do i turn the wheel to the right and roll down the hill like a small child in the spin cycle?...hmmm...though it would be a dramatic twist in my E true hollyweird story...i knew i barely had enough money to pay fer the fresh panties i was gonna need once my car had stopped...let alone the major reconstruction that would need to be done to my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe ass...
hey heels don't look good on a hovaround
so i choose option 2 and drove my piece of shit to the left...across the lanes of traffic...into the meridian...medium...median...oh fuck...whatever the hell they call it these days...between the 2 damn highways...and thankfully it was full of ungrazed grass

after take'n a quick breather as the car slowly came to a stop...i realized one thing...it's 87 degrees out and i fergot my damn umbrella...secondly...i still hadn't gotten a cell charger fer the car and i was runn'n outta juice...
damn i wished i had listened to my instincts earlier about toss'n my own salad (with the help of some helper of course)...but i didn't...oh well...if wishes and buts where a bowl full of nuts...we'd all have a bowl of granola
i searched fer my phone that had tried to escape out the window as i had to take control of the situation at hand and called my cuz back to let him know i was no longer the entertainment fer the party...but now on a rescue mission...since i was a sitt'n duck and in no mode to be target practice...so he said one of my brothers was in the area and to call him
patiently...i sat quietly wait'n fer any sign of hope up ahead

as i hid under the shadow of my car so i wouldn't ruin my oh so fresh nubile milky white flesh fer the chopper i assumed my brother was drive'n and called him to give him my exact coordinates...all i got from him was that he stopped fer some vittles and was almost at my cuz's and didn't wanna turn
around...WTF?...this was no covert operation to rescue me from the thumpers fly'n by...way beyond the recommended speed limit i might add...and i was in no mood to play frogger with my life...
i'm think'n...i bet Ruth Bader Ginsburg never has to put up with this shit!

so i hung up and contacted my insurance company to make sure everything was in the up and up and have AAA come collect my shake'n A double snakes...but they tell me they're not sure i have AAA and put me on hold to 
transfer me to another department...WTF?...i had had enough...i figered good things come in 3 with me...so i called 911...who stayed on the phone with me to trace my call...and sure enough...within 5 minutes...the calvary arrived...but apparently his vehicle was not equipped with a mini bar...that makes absolutely zero sense to me at a time like this...but any case...i felt like i was the luckiest unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe in the world
he gave me 2 options...none included his phone number unfortunately...he said i could either call my brother to come get me...which i knew at this point...i might as well have been an orphan who's family tragically drowned in a fire or he'd call a tow truck to remove my carcass to the closest town and i could figer things out there with my insurance company
20 minutes later...as my pores began to cry like Bette Midler in Beaches...(you know what part i'm talk'n about)...Scooter arrived with his tow truck and said he'd take me over yonder to Hazzard County Zumbrota...i tried not to care that he smelled of pickled herring and old man stew...i was finally in air condition'n...well the closest thing to air condition'n...the windows were rolled down and there was a sufficient breeze dry'n the sweat from my pores
rest assured...had this happend in any major city...i would'a needed to remove a vital organ to pay fer this outta pocket...but Cooter went WAAAY above and beyond the call of duty...since it was saturday afternoon in some po-dunk town and i'm sure he'da rather be nurse'n his Schlitz and take a shitz...but he pulled over on the road...checked out the size...of my tires sicko...and popped on over to his house and picked up a tire that matched and drove me over to his garage and has his way with me my car...45 minutes later...fer tow...and a new used tire...i was charged the low low price of 120 smack-a-roonies...WTF?
i was absolutely floored...i knew this was well below what he could've gotten...were he a schiester like the handful i've encountered over the years in the Minne-Apple...so i gave him a $30 tip and said tonite's town tramp is on me and off i was once again to hell town Dexter

because of my dyslexia...short term memory...and shattered nerves...i hadda annoy my cuz with numerous phone calls to figer out how to get to
this party that i was now 2 hrs later for...but once i arrived all was set at ease...that is until my brother who couldn't be bothered to pick me up hours earlier...had the nerve to ask ME to do touch up his make-up...WTF?...you left me to create the delusion that i was left fer the vultures...but i was like eh!...i am the eldest brother by default and should lead by example i suppose...so i let him have a taste of my dimly lit spotlight fer a change

thing is...he was goin as rocker Gene Simmons from KISS...
but he was act'n a lil AC/DC even fer my patience when i was touch'n up his make-up...if ya catch my drift mary...either way...he looked the picture of perfection that he always does...or at least how he wants everyone to believe he thinks he does (ummm insert laugh bro)
i on the other hand couldn't be bothered to shave and was in zero mood to throw together any sorta professional look...so instead of huff'n and puff'n the nite away...i just threw on the frock without the warpaint and went as BOY GEORGE MICHAEL

thanx to my cuz fer the open bar that calmed my nerves...all was well too until a stampede of heffers on a bachlorette run showed up and took over the dance floor...which was fine and all...that is until one of the fallopian tubes broke from the herd and decided i was grade A beef (ahhh...no doy!) but honey puhleez...don't think just cuz i got me a few stubbles fill'n my face
that i'm gonna wanna poke around in yer popcorn box after the party...homo don't play dat!

she wanted my number...so i figered there was no harm in grant'n her that
request...so i scratched it down on the back of her copenhagen container...and told her to take her fur purse and skedaddle...cuz i knew the second she got it...she'd run back to the herd and let them know she'd be leave'n the farm real soon

though i never did get to fornicate with some farmer and his delts...
outta the blue...and much to my horror surprise...i ended up gett'n a finger up the jaxie big bear hug from the town's Roscoe that i knew from the good ol days...and he got bragg'n rights to tell all his friends...
he got to squeeze the charmin of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

all in all...the nite was well worth the chaotic trip...

it was good to hang with the family...cuz really...what's life without family?

ummm...i'll like to give ya the answer to that right now...
but i shouldn't talk with my mouth full

now get off my dress!

Monday, August 11, 2014

mirror mirror...on my wall

so there i was...try'na figer out what to do last sat afternoon...
after frantically check'n my FB page fer any of the happen'ns happen'n...cuz it just so happened...i had nutt'n to do...so i hadda decide...do i "toss my salad"?...or do i make a salad the chills beautifully in the frigid air fer my cuz's b-day

*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*

we interrupt this earth shatter'n story...to bring you this...
(insert chaos and sirens sounds in yer head)

mirror mirror on my wall...
who's the most fairest drop dead gorgeous one of them all?

ummm...'scuze me girlfriend...but you need be be look'n who's behind that mirror..cuz there's only one QUEEN...and that's M-A-D-O-N-N-A!

to the woman who turned underwear into outerwear…
causing millions of women to add vagisil to their water cooler conversations

make’n pre and post pubescent str8 and not so str8 boys...
cross’n the “BORDERLINE” fer over 30 years

tell’n millions of kittens across the globe to...

over the years...many have tried to imitate her...
but no one can duplicate her!

we all know how desperately LADY BLAH BLAH has been...
try'n to stay relevantly reductive in these try'n times...but the QUEEN just took it with a grain of unsalted salt...but did you know there has been a host of performers over the years that can't come up with an original idea to save their life

like fer instance...the utterly blatant copycat corruption of...
who single handedly was involved in some sorta lezbitronic voodoo ritual (as most do from my understand'n) with foresight into the future...back in the 1930's...try'na to make M look like a carpet cleaner

former pin-up and bondage beauty to truckers everywhere...
who obviously had psychic abilities and wanted to get ahead of the game by 60 some years...except everyone knows...color is a much more effective approach

even hollyweirds most famous breathless bottled blonde...
hopped into some delorean mobile and completely ripped off Madonna's movements to a tee...pretty good i might add...and i'm sure she'd still be around copy'n M...if it wasn't fer that incident with the Kennedy's

then there was that time that blonde Bat Girl...
ALICIA SILVERSTONE 
tried to steal the QUEEN's identity..(or maybe it was to cover up all the dark circles from stay'n up all nite host'n all that "hollywood" between her unmentionables)...either case...try again girl!

but famous women weren't the only ones try'na horn in on M's success...
religious deities like supreme goddess Durga thought she'd give it ago...but she found out the hard way that ride'n a lion is not smart when yer 8 hands are full of crap

 from the house of the lovable mouse Disney built...
the squeeky clean cock tease tried miserably to steal M's thunder...but she was waaay too demure fer america's taste...plus she couldn't pull off polka dots to save her life

fortunately though...not everyone was a complete failure at it...
.thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...KRYSTAL KLEER(hey way'da'minute...that's me)...ok i tried it once only cuz i was host'n the official party fer her MDNA tour a few years back in St Paul...but get this...some local rag said i was TOO fab-u-less fer their story...so i opted out all together...but they tried desperately to make me a hiccup in their story by alter'n my image...HA!...i will not compromise my artistic integrity...(it was VITA.MN a shitty rag anyway)

but Miss KLEER ain't the only famous celebutante to pay tribute to M...
successfully played the less serious side of M in a lifetime movie of the week on HBO...follow'n the footsteps of what it's like to be backstage on a world tour as MEDUSA in  "DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"

some even mimic and mock her every move to almost perfection...
noticed that M came out with her own skin care line recently...so she decided in her own special way that only she can...to milk from the tit of M

besides my very successful interpretation of a classic piece of art...
decided to break free from her band GOSSIP and did a fabulous homage to one of her Madgesty's more steamier videos

even the King of rock's own princess did her damnedest...
desperate to live up to the musical royalty of her late father...tried her best attempt to taste the essence of the QUEEN by take'n in a picture to her stylist fer a make-over after she dumped the pedo i mean other King...and fer that...i give her kudos...but a hint Lisa P...bangs should never interfere with lip gloss...too much post production to clean up the lip gloss streaks

although married to Ferris Bueller and star of a hit show on HBO...
changed her hair styles on the series as much as she changed her bed sheets...and what better way to reinvent the break-up blues by look'n to the hottest trend'n star...but she looked like an absolute ray of light with this do...you have to admit

once asked by American Bandstand host Dick Clark in 1984...
what she wanted to do with the rest of her career…

she said she wanted “TO RULE THE WORLD
and she has!

as the GUINNESS BOOK of WORLD RECORDS...

sell’n more than 300 millions records world wide…

beat'n out Elvis as the artist with the most top-ten hits
M has sold out stadiums with world tours ...
from Chattanooga...
to China

start'n out with her then boyfriend Dan Gilroy and form'n the band...

not to be confused with this group of misfits...which came years later

play'n guitar and drums and sing'n

in 1980 she left the THE BREAKFAST CLUB and formed...
EMMY” with then boyfriend Stephen Bray

by 1982 Madonna decided to be a solo artist and signed with SIRE...
and released her first single “EVERYBODY” on october 6 which became a dance floor hit…and the hits haven’t stopped since.

 from "GAMBLER" to "GIRLS GONE WILD
there's no dispute'n why she is the QUEEN

Rolling Stone magazine once said...
“Madonna remains one of the greatest pop acts of all time...and the most successful female recording artist of all time”

on march 10, 2008…the QUEEN of POP was inducted into the...

she has endorsed numerous products...but PEPSI lost 5 million to her...
after backing out on her "BLONDE AMBITION TOUR" in 1991

because a group of CASPER crusaders wanted her banned...
due to her "like a prayer" video and it's imagery

with her breakout performance in 1986 smash hit...

M has appeared in countless other movies include’n...




and won a golden globe in 2008 for her portrayal in the epic film...

 Madonna made her directorial debut in “FILTH and WISDOM

M's 2nd directorial film was the epic movie "W.E."

her 1st documentary of  "TRUTH or DARE”… was released in 1991…

”I’M GOING TO TELL YOU A SECRET” was the follow-up 15 years later...

“I AM BECAUSE WE ARE” was released in 2008


an author with a #1 best seller children’s book “THE ENGLISH ROSES”
which became the fastest-selling children's picture book of all time and the release of 15 other children’s books that have gone on to sell millions thru-out the world

 she's been a blonde

she's been a brunette
 
she even looks good when she's wet
(and yes i'm sure the flies on her wall can attest to that too!)

she's been peroxided

she's been 2 toned

and even over 50 she's still hasn't moaned
(hey...at least not in public anyways)

her hair has been long

her hair has been short

she's even been ordered to show up to court
(though she got off on a technicality of bein' more famous than CASPER)

she's done the feathered

she's done the fro

she's even modeled for this big mo'
(allegedly i presume)

she's posed with an elephant

she's posed with a horse

she's even posed with the teeniest tiniest of course
(and i ain't talk'n about ANY of her X's...just FYI)

here she is pull'n a pig

here she is in a short black wig

here she is untouched like a virgin

here she is with a comical surgeon

on a roof top...she once sat

she's even worn a big crazy hat

she's caused some controversy with the cross

but everyone knows that she's the boss

she knows alot about swimm'n in water

and eat'n the chains she got from her daughter

here she is doin' some work

here she is look'n berserk

squeeze'n a sponge into a bucket

wear'n what ya want...and say'n...awww fuck it

she can pull off a boa with the greatest of ease

or wear a bouffant with a lot of tease

sometimes she needs to just lay down

sometimes she does it in a gown

she hides behind no ones mask

except fer that one time for that was the task

she can hold herself up by her own 2 breasts

and never lets her boobs feel like they're oppressed

she's played some chess with a dog

she's even been fondled by some old frog

sometimes she'll sit in a chair

or just on the floor in her underwear

she's smoke'n hot when take'n a rest

or smoke'n hot in a black leather vest

from the borderlines

to the beaches

she's always gawked by a handful of leeches

she's had millions of looks thru-out her career...from...
the "rebel without a clause in her contract" look

the "post punk pop rocks" look

the "like a virgin touched for the 17th time on a beach" look

the "fine...i'll wear the stupid black hat but i'm keep'n the wilson leather gloves" look

the "i'm a pepper shaker" look

the "bitch slapped by the hand of hindu" look

the "flo's comin to town" look

the "effective crotch grabb'n...in polka dots" look

the "post modern peek-a-boob hippe blouse" look

the "you cursed brat...look what you've done...i'm melting...melting...oh what a world...what a world" black taffeta Gautier look

the "ancient chinese secret with elongated mud flaps" look

the "i'm not a lesbian"...lesbian look

the "salmon swimsuit and pink satin capri's with blood clot belt now at old gravey" look

the "i'm not a powerful lesbian"...powerful lesbian look

the "hysterectomy in heels" look

the "gimme a bunch of crap to cover the scars on my arm" look

the "i'm sad cuz no one wants to see my boobs in another video" video look

the "yea...you'll be kiss'n my ass someday very soon" look

the "i'm clipp'n my toe nails...get the fuck outta here" look

the "drag queen in a burka" look

the "MISS IMODIUM A-D 2007" look

  the "top shelf" look

the "i have so much money...my money has money" look

either way ya put it...MADONNA works harder and is smarter...  
than ANYONE in the biz and will burn anyone try'na grab her crown

from toddlers to terrorists...skaters to haters...trannies to grannies...
everyone only knows there's only ONE QUEEN...and that's M-A-D-O-N-N-A bitch!

there's no deny'n she's broken the mold when it comes to longevity...
HAPPY B...M...here's to the next 56 years!

now get off my dress!