Monday, September 17, 2018

dude...where's my car?

thee ONLY reason to ever suffer thru this dreadful hot poker up the jaxie
maryjane induced tragic comedy is becuz of Seann William Scott's scatter-cushioned lips...and his grrrrranimal magnetism...PERIOD!
BUTT...in the end
this sorta made me think of the issues i had a few weeks back that involved my very own shit mobile that was barely hold'n together by duct tape and quite a few hail mary's every time i traveled beyond my safety bubble of my shitbox...(i'm sorry)...i shouldn't be so negative...i meant to say...my quaint lil shit box

i acquired said shit mobile fer a buck after my sibs hadda toss one of our
reclused relatives into a state run shitbox...excuse me...i mean refined raisin ranch...where metamucil parades and Matlock marathons kept him busy fer the better part of the day...after my prior shit mobile was putt'n me into the poor house after 12 years together

flash forward to  2 1/2 years and i decided i no longer desired to turn into
 a puddle every time i took that long ass 2 hr trip back home to Winona...so i decided one early afternoon since i had some free time on my hands...i'd take a road trip and hire my exceptionally mechanically talented nephew to get the air to finally work properly in my mobile
after a few hours tinker'n around with the innards...and roughly $200 later...i FINALLY had air...i can't even describe how elated i was...just close yer eyes and visualize kittens...it felt like i was Han Solo hunt'n fer Skywalker on Hoth...that i almost hadda knit myself a shawl...there was only one prob...i no longer had a horn!
there was absolutely NO WAY i i could live without my precious horn...i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i wasn't about to loose my voice when i needed all those saturday nite assholes to get outta my way...when i was doin that drive of shame desperately try'na make it to some Remington party and was gett'n sick of wait'n fer my friend to get her bag of spicy corn nuts and cherry slushie...so it was back to puddle city...and back to the cities

by the time i had arrived back home...it was time to get some groceries...
and don't you hate when this happens to ME...i'm in a rush to get outta my girdle...throw some simple supper together and relax to my sunday nite dvd programm'n and my damn neighbor Gladys had to stop and talk to me about how delish her damn spam casserole surprise was with the Bronstein's over the weekend...
i said "Gladys...i'm glad my recipe helped out and all...but gurl puleez!...it's been a long ass shitty day and my diet pills are start'n to wear off...i just wanna get home...fix me an Ovaltine cocktail and watch me some Trapper John MD season 3...H-E-L-L-O GONZO GATES"
"see you at Bingo next weekend...tah tah!"

well...wouldn't you know it...as i tried reverse'n my shit mobile outta the lot
it decided to go forward! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

after a mini meltdown and 3 ho-ho's later...i decided i had had it with this
piece of shit transport system...that...even if it initially only costed me a very small fortune of 1 crisp benjamin...i had now just sunk $200 in it fer air i would never be able to get comfort from on those long hot summer "indiscretionable" nites...and don't even get me started on the already $1700 i had put into it puke'n on me over the last couple of years...so i knew i would have to break down and find a local mechanic to fix whatever the current issue was...and by morn'n...my trouble weren't ANY better!

though the pork chop at the front counter at the closest station i could find
near me which was in the downtown area of the Minne-Apple...wait'n on me...was pleasantly use'n his comfort'n inside voice and tactics to assure me everything was gonna be ok...i would come to find out 6 hours later there was no way i could smack him cuz he was FULL OF GELATINOUS SHIT!...
try'na tell me there was a leak in my brake line (of which i already informed him of) and cuz my car bein' 1999...that they no longer made brake lines fer that model car...and that they would have to 1st build a mold to pour in the metal then meticulously sculpt it to fit my out of production car...fer the low low price of $2400 and some small pocket change! 
needless to say...i was in zero fucksville central at that very moment in time and decided to look at my other options

after a few more meltdowns at home and 5 ho-ho's boxes later...i decided it was time to explore other options of purchase'n a new vehicular system
of transport...but what would it be?...though Sanford and Son's truck would come in handy when have'n to move my mountains of dvd's and make-up cases...but then i'd be forced to help others...and though i do give to charitable causes whenever i can...i prefer antibiotics to help clear up any confusion
my next thought was...hey...how about somethin' Dixie mobile-ish?...i'd look super cute climb'n outta my jeep in my hysterectomy shorts...but not very practical fer those long winter runs around the park late at nite
i always wanted to ride around in nostalgic style...but i'd go ape shit on the 1st shit head that spilled on my faux leopard interior
then i thought...i needed somethin' that's slick and doesn't seat more than me and my groceries so i no longer hadda be the proverbially free Uber system fer the many freeloaders in town that assume i fill my tank off of my good looks...but then i figer'd K.I.T insurance was gonna cost more than i really wanted to fork out
and as much as a 70's style hotel on wheels would be ideal fer those "sticky" situations at nite...gas ain't cheap!

in the end...i ended up with my nephews girlfriends 2014 outta my 
price range but affordably adjustable dusty dark blue mobile...i believe the technical color term is midnite at the oasis...WITH ARCTIC AIR...that you practically need a down feathered shawl to really appreciate it...
that's all folks!
now get off my dress!

Monday, September 10, 2018

get a clue!

i don't believe it was Miss Peacock with the candle stick...
in the conservatory...cuz more than like she already had it lodged in her kitty box...sideways...and you know that's gonna be some sorta rubix cube bullshit to try and retrieve it!
you know exactly why it couldn't be Colonel Mustard...cuz he owned all that rope and was a H-U-G-E fan of auto exfoliation in the library while watch'n his afternoon stories in the study after all...you do the math
\and you know Mrs.White held a tight grip onto that wrench...fer all the wrong reasons...between the kitchen...the ballroom and the billiard room...twice on the weekends
but trust me...the call IS come'n from inside the house...somewhere from someone!
i'm talk'n about that explosively diarrhetic laced story in last weeks HIGHLY subscribed circular news...W-O-W...just...W-O-W!...if i was a bett'n gal putt'n down odd's in Vegas...(FYI i ain't)
(well cuz the price of hookers ain't cheap ya know)
though Lawrence has expressed a much more diabolically dissected opinion as to who the sneaky dirty bird is play'n with our mentally deranged lie'n sack of of pig shit

at 1st i thought...i totally bet it was KellyAnne Conned-Her-Way-Inn...
in the situation room...then i remembered that incident with her mascara...so she hasn't been that credible ever since

then i thought...why couldn't it be his paid to play transformer bride in the
cabinet room with her interpreter...but then i realized...she can barely form a sentence...let alone construct coherent ones together fer her interpreter to interpret 

so i'm gonna go out on a limb...and put all my benjamins on our obvious...
unfortunate pile of mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit disgrace'n the oval orifice...in the presidential shitter room...while choke'n on his big mac and beat'n off the FAUX SNEWZ...just try'na distract...deflect...and dissolve ANY sorta suspicion onto himself...
that were only happy to oblige...only prob there was that these jethro mutha fuckers didn't realize is...NIKE ALREADY HAS YER COINS BITCH!...so burn away
hmmm wonder how well these back water wal-mart beauty bitches are gonna deal with the fact that FORD has now jumped onto the KAEPERNICK train!
BUTT...not to get side tracked...
Kaepernick's kneel'n had N-O-T-H-I-N-G to do with the military or the fuck'n flag kittens...let's just set that record to sleep!
but don't take my word fer it...listen to MN's own body slamm'n VETERAN daddy
and then with Ann Coulter's late abortion desperately tried gett'n Miss Griffin to take a moment to debate her in an interview dur'in her SOLD OUT WORLD WIDE tour
what a fuck'n amateur Tomi!
(but since we're all here...get yer tix here before the tour ends...trust me...ya ain't gonna wanna miss this!...i seen it @ Carnegie Hall & Kathy DID NOT disappoint!)
all i know is...in the end...this mentally deranged lie'n sack of bloated pig shit...will get his just desserts...in the basement...with the heater on high!
now get off my dress and VOTE this novem!

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

fair enough?

whadda weekend it was try'n recapture my fade'n youth as much as i
 could...before i gotta start pack'n it in...and if i'm lucky enough...get to enjoy 3 serve'ns of lime jell-o a day at the raisin ranch while i get a complimentary sponge bath by some prune pervie with a nervous tick after my bingo and Matlock marathons

though i hadda over the top look ready to construct fer the fair...it's fair 
enough to say...since mother nature decided to fuck up my plans...i opted fer a less than stellar but apparently an equally controversial conversation piece..cuz i ended up gett'n accosted at the MN state fair by some saturated fat and wal-mart runway beauty who simply asked me "WHY?"...i simply replied "WHY NOT"...before i went into some spastic rage and kicked her in the kitty box...luckily i had my security detail with me to hold me back

the Thompson Twin...Tom Bailey...surprised me how good he was live...
and it was nice to see him help'n out fellow 80's gals Banarama as his back'n band (or the equivalent looks of them anyways)...B52's blew me away...(unlike my last date) but of course the pinnacle of the even'n was see'n CULTURE CLUB (fer the 6th time)...and as always they DID NOT disappoint!

by the time i had soaked the entire nite in...and started count'n sheep...
it was already "time to make the donuts" once again...UGH!...well by that...i mean head to the library to write this blog before my clan of kittens...from each corner of the globe...catstrate me fer not post'n on the recommended monday deadline...cuz i had just left my current last job recently after a gruel'n period of wasted time 
CALGON...take me AWAAAAAAAAAAY!
hey...i was desperately seeking Susan somethin' different...so i knew there was only ONE THING TO DO!

after 8 1/2 inches days of invites to the donut trough...pizza parties and zombie induced meet'ns...i decided the time had come to turn a page...
so i threw caution to the wind...(and whatever his name was my dignity out the door) and decided to shed myself of the corporate chains that have been choke'n the life outta me fer the better part of these 8 1/2 days
(it's never the good 8 1/2 either...is it kittens?)

so by the weekend it was time to recapture the rest of my youth with new old friends and some older old friends at 3 different destinations...i thought to myself..i said self...you can do this...menage 'a trois starts with 3...and you never had problems work'n yer way around them in the past...
so off i began!

1st stop was my dear friend Peetrinella's b'day bash fer lil ol me...
which unfortunately didn't come complete with some monstrous eyesore bouncy kingdom that i would'a preferred...but let's be real kittens...those are nothing but a palace of pink eye...filled with snot noses and chocolate covered phalange imprints...so it's good Peetrinella was think'n out fer my health
though i thought i called ahead to make sure and swore i heard that there was one present at my arrival to escort me into the premises...how surprised was i to find out that once i got there...there was NO security or even the slightest hint of a roped off section fer ME...
and despite the presence of some pre adults present...who...in this day and age...has a damn labor day backyard party without a stripper?...you got yer braces off...I GAVE YOU A STRIPPER!!...Peetrinella we really need'a have a sit down and talk about how to plan a proper backyard surprise bday grill out party so this embarrassment doesn't happen again...kapeesh?

though the nite was disappear'n rapidly...i didn't want it to go down on me
well at least not until i soaked in some jean nate' after bath body splash 1st...besides...the cath-o-lick priests cornered that market already...so it was off to my destination #2

#2 destination was back to my sister-n-law's house where my brother
lives...to spend some really good quality time together with the fam...on each of our cells...oh how presh these unkodak moments will be to remember!
fer once i'd like to come back and be completely caught off guard but pleasantly surprised that i would be judge'n some hot bod contest...as it should be...i mean i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...
BUTT alas...i become delusional once again...DAMMIT!
(i'm sense'n a pattern here...aren't you?) 
i shouldn't have to order stock in blue hair rinse and bingo cards yet...fer fucks sake...
i wanna be like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video with my hair whipp'n in the wind at 65 mph...i'm only gonna be 48 dammit!

where was i?...oh yea..by morn'n i was off to #3...the Minne-Apple
to get ready fer the fair...fair enough?...now get off my dress!