Monday, June 18, 2018

NO SHAME in my GAME!

~ Boy George

there has never been a person that has resonated with me more...thru melodramatic melodies...about the hopeless art of the instant oatmeal hook-up....betta than the BOY has himself 

we...and i'm speak'n only to the non heterosexual has-beens and has-been-nots out there...all desperately yearn'n to be temporarily tingled at some point thru-out their journey on this planet...just like all those other
"unnatural types" that choose to be non homosexual...not to be confused with the "wasbians" = used to be carpet cleaners but could never fully commit to shop classes
or the "unfageluffigus's" = used to have style and savoir flair but ended up with a prolapsed ass due to one too many "mission impossibles" in their unmentionables durin' the 80's

i can recall back in my days...before that dreaded trilogy of terror...simply known as my smart phone...that my dumb ass is STILL try'na figer out after 2 1/2 years of marriage...that the only means of communicado with someone to help scratch that friday nite "itch" (that you hoped didn't need a spermicidal application and a razor)...was accomplished by 3 huge ways

1. BARE ASS BEACH....
located just a handful of very large red rover red rover steps away from the U of M...along the mighty Mississip..where my most preciously precocious Petrinella (and her minions) would indoctrinate me to the ways of the instantaneous gratifications under the pale moon light...(that is...if you fergot to bring yer chloroform spray with you to the bar)
this was accomplished by walk'n down a long stairway to a sandy hell in the middle of the nite...to the desolate open beach down below...like we were castaways that just got off the SS Minnow on a 30 minute tour to titillation town...
eventually we would be greeted by a plethora of unimpose'n figures emerge'n from the behind the bushes along the shore line in the still of some random hot summer nite...sadly though...it felt more like a scene that was straight outta the night of the living dead
and thanx to Peetrinella's infectious cackle echo'n amongst the seediness of the even'n...this avenue was unfortunately no longer a viable option for me to participate in future out'ins

2. BLOW JOB VALLEY...
you heard me right kittens....what is now a sprawl'n 4 story high subsidized house'n complex...that is home to many air bnb affiliates on the edge of the downtown Minne-Apple area in Loring park...was once a spacious and vacant park'n lot...
much like Miss Huckleberry Pie-in-the-Face...
that housed many suburbian commuters by day...but turned into a circus arena of salacious sidewinders by sunset...where you would learn yer ABC's of the STD's that were readily available on any given nite...that me and many of my inept bar "friends" would participate in back in the early 90's...
corralled to the center of the park'n lot like a no-gag-reflexed cattle of cock...while the outside perimeter of perverseness would unilaterally and literally drive around us in a complete circle...single file...no more than 2-5 mph...as not to avoid any missed "purchases"...since they had no luck at the side walk sale outside the saloon...cuz this would be their last chance to get down anyone's pants...
 before they would have to head back home to their pabst blue ribbon past out on their unpaid ashley furniture...while we [the inept] waited anxiously fer the high beams to hit us from behind from some hot high roller that would flag us down and open us up like a lotus flower...though i would never be so lucky

after months of study'n the "art of the sale"...i would finally get a high beam i could call my very own...that would sadly only lead to the 1st...
10 minute feature film as a solo performer i would ever perform in...but incidentally...would be where i also successfully negotiated my 1st apartment deal on my very own in the uptown area 10 years later...
and sometimes...fer a lil extra street cred (*wink*wink*)...you (insert ME here) would be summoned by a "famous" heavy hitter on some seedy saturday nite in '94 that wanted you to "hit them" into next week...before they would have to take that long uncomfortable walk down that forced aisle of misery

3. PHONE LINES...

i've always had an over active imagination when it came to plausible pleasures...but i always kept my expectations exceptionally low...so they'd be alot easier to attain that way...cuz i knew i would end up in pictures...
i just wasn't expect'n this was how it would all come to be...but i learned how to turn a tragic embarrassment into an animalistic ambush...the mo's went ape shit when i used my mug shot on gofuckyerself.com or somethin' like that...fer a short period of time
of course...i blame it on Jeff Stryker flicks and shows like OZ that made all those horny toads think'n they've hit the jack-off jackpot with a real life felon...and who was i to disappoint their twisted fantasy...but before the world of visual stimulation's were at my finger tips...
i would spend endless hours fall'n asleep on the free side of the phone lines with my over active imagination work'n in over drive...just to find that perfect mistake that i would eventually regret 10 minutes later (Peetrinella tried to curb my "addicktion" once...too many times...to no avail of course)
 cuz i was hooked like Steve Erwin to a stingray
(hey...hush the fuck up...more than enough time has passed!)
on any given day or nite...the typical gentleman caller genital wart...who was between the ages of 25 and dirt...6ft tall or above...with bushels of brunette follicles as thick as the amazon forest strategically placed thru-out their sculpted body...that consisted of 180 pds of pure 100% grade A chemically enhanced beef...enclosed in a 48 inch chest and a 32 inch waist...with enough italian sausage to wreck yer windpipe...
regrettably...reality would eventually set in when we met up...and just my luck...it rarely ever panned out the way i was expect'n it to...99 times outta 100 it was usually somethin' i personally would'a never ordered off the menu (if we had had today's technological advances back then)...only cuz they always ended up invert'n the numbers...and use'n the metric system where it mattered the most
so one particular restless early morn'n nite that i can recall...i met some casual caller (who i hoped was accurately describe'n themselves from the pre-approved menu fer a change) that was just a stone's throw away from my back yard (that is....if i was a hungarian shot putter)...so i decided to meet him half way...why not!
and once again...my over active imagination waves were way outta sync...but instead of ridicule'n his very existence and turn'n back home alone...which was a perfectly shallow...yet viable...option i...like many others in my position...have used many a times before...
i just didn't wanna end up as some damn moo juice model in yer kids cafeteria

so i decided to look fer an easy exit stragedy...but most regrettably & very tragically (FER ME) when i invited him into my shitbox...ummm...i mean my quaint lil shitbox...i heard a sudden thud on my entrance floor as he...
turned to shut my front door...i couldn't believe it...his left sleeve went limp on me as he turned back around...well that's cuz HIS FUCK'N LEFT ARM FELL OFF...SERIOUSLY!...and this was not just any old hand...like i know yer think'n lincoln...NO...this was a hook hand!...A HOOK HAND!...i nervously waited fer his response before i would give my constrained retort..."oh...did i ferget to tell you that i had a prosthetic arm?"...hmmmm?...i hesitated fer just a mere moment before i could come up with the only non judgmental serial killer response..."yea...sorry sailor...but i've already done my charitable act fer the year...plus...i don't want you to be late to yer peter pan rehearsal" 

see you in salutations...now get off my dress!

Monday, June 11, 2018

optional O-P-T-I-O-N-S!

those who waste their bein' in some dead beat...time to "make the donuts" on a daily basis sorta job...or wait'n fer a past pain in the A double snakes
 to repay their $193.00 debt that you are rightfully owed (minus the one cocktail they bought you fer a measly $7.00)...is just a complete waste of what lil time you have left to enjoy yer bein'...in my opinion...YES...we ALL need that almighty bitch of a pile of benjamins to survive and be somewhat content with ourselves...
since swapp'n some sassy slave doesn't work like it used to...but no one is guaranteed any "future lovers"...
some won't even get the chance to use their 401...due to an early death due to a high cholesterol intake or perhaps a life sentence in the big house...i myself have absolutely no regrets like many do about their future that has past them by...so why bother waste'n another second away on yer past future that you wanted but you'll never see...stress'n yerself out wonder'n...hmmmm...
i should'a...could'a...would'a...but didn't...cuz by the time they're serve'n you metamucil martini's dur'in some Matlock marathon...yer lucky if you get yer shit shorts changed on a daily basis so yer not marinate'n in last nites dinner...we all have to go at some point...so live in the moment and live like yer electricity will be shut off at any given moment

1. speak yer mind!

if i hadda hear one more elevator story about kids and casseroles...or how the weather had changed drastically 5 degree points up or down from the past 24 hours...i was gonna loose it!...do you really think that whore stand'n next to you in the morn'n gives a shit!...NO THEY DON'T!...trust me...i can tell you that political correctness is no longer in fashion!
there should be one "whorevator" fer those singles who mingle and wanna talk about their latest tingle!
"i banged the bus boy on break"...or "oh my gawd...look at his crotch?...it's SO BIG...he looks like one of those drag queens boyfriends...but who understands drag queens anyways...they only talk to him cuz he's pack'n...i mean GROSS...his bulge is just so BIG...ummm...you gotta pen?"...or the popular "you should really think about gett'n that checked before it spreads"

2. work it!

when you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to yer pimp...yer a street whore
when you work from your home and johns call on the phone...yer a call girl
why not become yer own " self sufficient entrepreneur"?

now's the time to test it out yer worth...you've laid there like a dead hooker fer years or faked more orgasms than you can count...or held out like a
 damn fool wait'n fer that special someone to come down yer "chimney"

what a moron!...thousands of ladies and ladies alike...of the nite...have been make'n bookoo bank fer years...time to take a piece of the easy pie...
when someone drives by and says "how much?"...don't take that as a deliberate and unconscionable insult...that's just how they say "hi" in whoreville

don't like their offer?...negotiate...this is no time to bargain hunt...
just make sure to get the money up front before ya take yer top off!

3. be selfish...spend!

why care about anyone but yerself at a time like this?
enjoy yer last few weeks of breath with that undeniable shopp'n spree you've always denied yerself just cuz ya gave too many hand-outs in yer lifetime...or saved fer yer retirement...medicare means nothing at this point
cuz ya won't be show'n off yer country's pride in yer custom built lazyboy on wheels
or become'n an undergarment model anytime soon

empty yer piggy banks and charge charge CHARGE that plastic piggy bank on anything yer simple selfish lil heart desires...ya know the big wigs at those credit card companies have been live'n jjust off yer interest fer years...it's not like they'll be give'n ya a call anytime soon in this lifetime anyways


4. don't let anyone get in yer way!

tired of those move'n at the speed of a parapelegic parade on sunday?
sick of bein' stuck behind those who got their license from drive'n a beetle in Bali?

you ain't got time to have patience anymore...stick a loud speaker to to the hood of yer car and tell the one hold'n up traffic exactly how you feel:
"JESUS CHRIST!...i said move motherfucker!!...why are you drive'n 55 mph...in a 55 mph zone when there's a perfectly good empty lane to yer right that you can move over to ass fuck!...ooh yer gonna step on yer breaks now? bitch puhleez! you think yer really fuck'n funny i bet? well...let's see how fuck'n funny you are when they're extract'n my bus from yer tailpipe CUNT!"

5.  rock out!

why bother stepp'n on a crack...
to break yer mama's back?
just snort it!

it's not like ya need to waste anymore of yer hard earned money on a long term dentist plan...and think of how glamourous you'll feel...you'll become one of those famous people by show'n up on billboards everywhere
and that's really what everone wants to be anyways...this famous...right?

of course...these are just some of  my suggestions...i could be wrong!

so just in case...in order to save my own ass...
(cuz CASPER crusaders believe in double'n down)
our father...who do art in heaven

Joseph Smith was right...these are magical!

shalom!

nam myoho renge kyo

praise ALLAH!


believe what ya wanna believe in...just get off my dress!

Monday, June 4, 2018

BARR vs. BEE

as far as the moronically lobotomized brain dead pile of mashed potatoed
CASPER crusade'n couch surfers go...an unfortunate portion of society as a whole...(of which i completely excuse myself from this unscientifically...unsubstantiated claims since i'm write'n this very authentic piece of journalism from my point of view...and that only counts of course) i haven't bought into the media's spin cycle...pitt'n many things against each other in order to sell a product...fer instance...
in the 80's it was MADONNA vs CYNDI 
in the 90's it was MADONNA vs BRITNEY
in the 00's it was MADONNA vs GAGA
the point i'm try'n to make is quiet simple kittens...MADONNA IS THE FUCK'N QUEEN...get over it!...hey...gimme a break...i'm have'n serious major M withdraw...wait'n fer some new shit from her fer my weekly weekend car concerts...but let's get to the meat of this whole damn story

so i can't tell you how much i really REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted...
Ms. Barr's reboot to stand the test of time...much like M has managed to do to "keep it together" (see what i did there?) after all these years
bein' one of thee best middle america'd...blue collared shows ever written fer tv since... 
that show about a rich widowed white guy...his drug addicted daughter and eldest son...while his youngest son was left penniless (by his real parents)...with a couple of neurotic senile maids to throw in fer comedy relief...that lived on the upper east side of the Big Apple..hmmm....ok well maybe not so much about middle america'd...blue collared families...but more like what the middle america'd blue collared families wished they could afford if they were give'n a trust fund...oh...and a functional brain to think fer themselves
well...everything seem to be goin fine like a Carolina wine fer Ms Barr...have'n the highest rate'ns in tv land in a long ass time...
that is...U-N-T-I-L...Ms Barr decided to turn into a twat on a twitter tirade one nite...
about OBAMA's senior advisor Valerie Jarrett...that of course she would later delete and "apologize" for...
but leave it to all the mainly moronically lobotomized brain dead pile of mashed potato CASPER crusade'n couch surfers explode'n when they heard of this "tragic" news
 listen...i don't care that she [Ms Barr] wants to support that mentally deranged sack of misogynistically collusional pig shit that's currently bastardize'n THE PEOPLE'S oval office...i really don't...her personal choices outside of tv programm'n is HER CHOICE and that she has to own them and that is none of my personal biz
BUTT...
when you voice ANY sorta racial slur towards anyone...and yer part of a major network...there's gonna be a major price to pay...i just hope some network execs can salvage the careers of all the others affected by her Ambien attack...cuz i...like many others...would definitely tune in!

next up is the brilliant satirical funny lady SAMANTHA BEE from the hit

thing is...blatant racism IS NOT THE SAME as the indisputable truth!
thanx to award winn'n actress SALLY FIELD
fer point'n that out to to all the twatters on twitter out there who cannot grasp this simple concept...after all the fall out!

now get off my dress!