Monday, September 18, 2017

everything starts with an E

say kittens...remember that old say'n yer gramama used to say to you "don't mess with a broad with balls"...well if you do yer lie'n to yerself...cuz i just made it up...well...gather 'round cuz today's lesson is brought to you
by the letter E...first one that comes to my mind was the beloved New York native...ear bleed'n chanteuse and household dingbat of the 70's EDITH BUNKER...married to the fictionally short tempered bigot Archie on the hit series "ALL IN THE FAMILY"...EDITH was the voice of reason and the rock of understand'n...especially when she found out her dearly departed cuz Liz was a lez...though shocked at first...EDITH treated her luva Veronica as if she was part of the family all along
and gave her the family tea set that would've gone to Liz's spouse...were she a he

next up is the porcelian french chanteuse EDITH PIAF...born in Paris 
in 1915...EDITH was an extraordinary actress, singer, songwriter of the 1930's thru the 1950's and hailed as thee most internationally premier star of Paris...sing'n from brothels to the big show houses all over Europe...EDITH was most notably known fer the smash hit that "LA VI EN ROSE" that every queen east and west of the Louvre would'a stapled their dick to their derriere to lyp-sync fer their life on stage with...and recently redone by the QUEEN of the DANCE FLOOR on her latest "REBEL HEART TOUR" out now on blu-ray and dvd...EDITH's life would be plagued with intrigue and mystery...
that is until her liver lost control try'na keep up with her jitter bugg'n down at the "hey chug a lug" nites of pill popp'n/liquid heaven nites at the tender age of 47
(see there's that scary number again)

one of John Waters larger than life dreamlanders...EDITH MASSEY 
starred in a string of WATERS cult classics like "POLYESTER" as DIVINE's bff  CUDDLES...and "PINK FLAMINGO'S" as EDIE the eggstrodinary luv'n mother to DIVINE...to add to her cult status EDITH was also the lead singer of the balls to the walls band EDITH AND THE EGGS
in her spare time EDITH became a very popular fashion model fer the "un"hallmark cards to fit all yer celebratory needs

but the one EDITH that sticks out to me the most...the one true broad
with the biggest balls of 'em all...is the recently dearly departed EDITH WINDSOR...who passed away last week at the age of 88...EDITH created a legacy that will live on for eternity by the simple fact that she fought the law...and the law...LOST!
even as her love THEA was diagnosed with progressive multiple sclerosis in 1977...EDITH never left her side fer a minute...eventually THEA would suffer a heart attack in 2002 then diagnosed with aortic stenosis in 2007

same sex marriage was still illegal in NEW YORK...
so they would both pack their best birkenstocks and travel north to TORONTO CANADA...where they would be married in may of that year...unfortunately...THEA would succumb to heart complications 2 years later in 2009
upon THEA's death...EDITH learned that she would have to pay $363,053 in inheritance tax as sole beneficiary to THEA's estate...all because of the provisions set up in D.O.M.A. define'n a marriage as between one man and one woman...just cuz same sex marriage was not legal under the law at the time
in her best pressed pin striped suit...EDITH would kick ass in the courtroom and would eventually win a full refund from the IRS by 2012...with interest to boot
if you get a free nite...i implore you to check out the documentary "EDIE & THEA A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT"...it'll even tug at the smallest lil heart strings out there (that is of course ...if it's still beat'n)
if hollyweird hasn't already...listen up!...someone out there outta be penn'n this easy OSCAR winner...tentatively titled "EDITH" of course...and the no brainer would be to cast MERYL STREEP as EDITH...cuz i know she would act the shit outta this part and putt'n the audience in a flood of tears with her acceptance speech come OSCAR nite...(MERYL...if you need help...call me...i will help you)

now get off my dress!

Monday, September 11, 2017

47 reasons

so apparently...I CANNOT TAKE A FUCK'N WEEK OFF...from blanket'n
 the globe with my weekly words of whimsicality without gett'n my delicately plump...and oh so delickciously...A double snakes torn apart like a model in a snuff film on a silver platter...by certain pathologically restless readers...and enjoy a merried of fruity celibations fer my birth week with friends...but guess what kittens...
i can & i did...and ended it with these 2 clowns...(wigs...clown nose and glasses graciously provided by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) it was a simply splendid even'n...now on with the program

there are very few things in my life that REALLY freak the shit outta me
and clowns are definitely NOT one of them
(insert shameless non equity plug here)
insert BUTT plug here
 I LUV'D IT
BUTT...i digress 

where was i?...oh yea...to this day...any creepy crawly follicley things like...
tarantula's
 tantrums
and twats...freak the live'n shit outta me..seriously!...and especially #3...i mean...i'm all about open dialogue and i try to understand why a very large selection of disproportionately diluted and incredibly awkward male species out there that struggle thru their awkwardness try'n to eat a piece of hair pie fer pleasure...instead of dive'n deep on a thick meaty throat plunger...but i say...as long as i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then why should i fuck'n care who you fuck?

but the one thing that has freaked me out most of all is the #47...cuz finally
it was my turn to turn 47...this may not be no milestone perhaps...and it's not becuz i'm afraid of grow'n old...that's just how the damn game was set up from the start...but i literally thought about it fer the past 38 years...well...cuz that's how old my dad was when he sailed away from this planet

i was contemplate'n what i wanted to do...what i should do...to keep my 
my mind of that dreaded number that has haunted me fer the past 38 years...perhaps...a quick trip to THE BIG APPLE to see MICHAEL MOORE's pure genius live on broadway
or just maybe some quick shag with some random BIG CLOWN with a BIG BALLOON (hey...you have yer fantasies...and i'll have mine)

luckily fer me though...when my day finally had come from the 47th year 
(after sashay'n thru Joan's meat curtain's)...i DID NOT unfortunately...instead...i choose to stick around and count down the hours on my very own...in my personal shitbox...thanx to my absofuckinglutely fabooshka friend PEETRINELLA...who knows me the best of all...by bequeath'n me with plenty of of ear and eye candy to make it thru the nite...
not have'n seen "WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK" in years...i fergot how this movie freaked the fuck'n bejeezus outta me back in the 80's...and to this day...i still can't walk past a brick wall without bein on edge think'n there's someone stare'n me down
i thought of popp'n in a lil pick-me-up...but "DEATH BECOMES HER" was a lil too close to home at the moment...and would have to wait fer another nite...if i was gonna make it thru this nite...so the next few hours i would slip into a 70's coma by putt'n on my platform slippers and polyester flame retardant pajama's fer a double feature of fornication & filth...
"BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS"...a sexually charged melodramatic musical co-written by the late movie critic Roger Ebert was just what the doctor ordered...followed by "INSIDE DEEPTHROAT" (somethin' i've dabbled in from time to time...fer the right dime) a brilliant documentary about the most explosive and lucrative throat plunge'n picture ever played on the big screen in cinematic history from the 70's...both recommended highly...
(unlike the paddy cake flick i made back in '92 in order to get a rent reduction yrs later) but i heard i'm "BIG IN JAPAN" apparently...(just say'n)

by the time the flicks had ended...i looked out and noticed that the moon
  had opened her eyes...so of course i was ready to open my thighs...but unfortunately...i was outta data fer the month...so there would be no prick parade on this particular even'n
so instead...i took a quick birdie bath and slowly sipped on a few metamucil martini's after splash'n on my jean nate' after bath body splash...while enjoy'n my latest musical obsession from one BETH DITTO from her solo cd "FAKE SUGAR"...talk about a power house of pussy...with her balls to the walls...there is NOT ONE track on this whole cd that disappoints...with it's opener "FIRE" yer take'n a magical musical journey from the 60's thru the 70's and smack dab into the 80's with her explosive southern pop rock vocals
 
BOY GEORGE...if yer read'n this...and i'm sure you do...BETH is this generations HELEN TERRY...scoop her up fer a duet...you both would blend perfectly like cucumber vodka with a splash of 7 and a hint of mint
i still was toss'n and turn'n by cd's end...so i decided to try and read some excerpts from BETH DITTO's memoirs "COAL TO DIAMONDS"...but i couldn't find one pop up page dammit...so i figured i'd pop in some more music and another metamucil martini (fer medicinal purposes of course)
the other 2 cd's "A JOYFUL NOISE" by her band GOSSIP & "BETH DITTO EP"...both equally worth a listen (well cuz i've heard them both on youtube years before...but i still enjoy a car concert...and i refuse to be a cover artless fan fer some artists)...but they would have to wait...becuz by now i could see the sun peek'n thru midnight skies
i had finally made it past my 47th...a huge sigh had finally been lifted off my shoulders and outta my mind fer the past 38 years...though i thought and wondered fer a moment what my world would'a been like...had my dad made it past his 47th and would he have approved of how i turned out...bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...despite those who wished i hadn't at times
it was about that time to "make the donuts" as it were...so i  popped in the remastered "PURPLE RAIN" soundtrack and packed my "remastered" strawberry shortcake metal lunchbox...after master'n the art of tuna...with chopped jalapeno's drown'n in a medium sized dollop of olive oil mayo spread  and a beautifully arranged fresh fruit compote 
in close'n...i sincerely wanna thank a mill times over to my incredibly generous and very very VERY good friend PEETRINELLA (who's still older than me by 1/2 a year...that's not a petty vanity thing...it's just a reminder before we both start march'n in the senility parade) fer gett'n me thru the my own personal milestone and move'n that 47th monkey off my back...you shall be rewarded greatly this xmas after all (so get crack'n on update'n yer amazon list)
and also my good friend TIMBELLINA fer kick'n it off...POONANIE fer the still unreceived offer'ns (cuz i'll never hear the end of it if i don't give em an honorable mention) and all those who praised me on social media...even if they didn't bring me any canned goods

now get off my dress!

ps...just so she don't think i'm unfergretful...or ungrateful
yes i luv the greatest hits PRINCE video's...but lemme just say...he got lazy with his use of the green screen imagery in the 90's

Monday, August 28, 2017

can i stalk to you fer a minute?

ever get that not so fresh feeling...like yer being watched?
and i don't mean that in a Linda Lovelace sorta ways kittens...well not today anyways!

so you know how i'm into gangsta rap MADONNA right?

MADONNA...if yer read'n this...and i know in some parallel universe you are...i want you to know...i'm borderline...i feel like i'm goin to loose my mind!
look...now i'm gett'n flaklempt!
talk amongst yerselves...i'll give you a topic....MADONNA...she's neither a virgin or from Virginia...discuss!

so there i was a couple months back...a few years ago...chatter'n amongst the lost lonely souls along the informational highway look'n fer fornicational pleasures at the easiest and apparently...the most polluted and diluted...i mean the most "popular" informational highway rest stop...
out there...GRINDR...strictly as a sexually charged starved observationalist of course

well truth be told...i actually loathe non verbal communication completely...
about as much as i loathe sushi...Belushi...phoney's and flakes...and definitely anything deep fried on a steak...the socially retarded...the chemically dependents...and what is up with all these emotionally delayed defendants?

i think Miss Macgregor's nipples said it best when they said...

bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...i seriously don't have time to be bothered with
play'n the proverbial text game of cat and mouse...i mean come on...i'm a pseudo sorta somewhat star in my own mind after all...i don't have to put up with that shit!
so unless i'm totally engaged in a deep conversation of yer boredom...i just throw my contact number out there like candy to the depraved non heterosexual kittens with a pulse...in hopes fer some human inter"action"

when ya think about it really though...text'n is sooo impersonal...it was
much more romantic when our ancestral indian mo's used to send smoke signals...granted you never knew back then if it was fer a hook-up...or they just needed a bucket of water cuz their tee-pee was on fire...but just like smoke signals...9.5 times outta 10 (and trust me...that .5 helps)...they rarely ever call back anyways...cuz aggressively passiveness is sooo much more attractive...don'tcha think?

well on the occasion that the one half that actually do decide to do voice on voice connection...i do my best to try and weed out their intentions within the first 5 to 15 minutes...and make my call if it's gonna end up bein' a terrific nite on the town...or just a tea bag party after the sun goes down
and if the latter is the case...i do my stretches and make sure to lay out an assortment of spermicidal jams and jellies...i am a safety gurl after all

one even'n while i was pump'n my pecs...plural here...(don't get twisted)...i received a text from an out of my area code unknown number
short story a lil longer than needed...yer name ain't in my cellular device?...you either lost my interest...or didn't bring me any canned goods!...such was the case i guess with said texted man...but i'm all about give'n it up to charity...when a quota is needed...so i said to him...send me a pic to remind me why i didn't wanna be bothered to log you in my phone in the first place...cuz now maybe i do...one never knows right?

minutes later...i received a text look'n like the guy work'n out next to me...
now...i can neither confirm nor deny that said picture is the texter in question...so play along with me on this one...so at first i thought...S-C-O-R-E...well he was gravy train after all!

but as i looked closer to the picture...it was my back stand'n next to him?
hmmm?...now this text was turn'n more into like...the call is come'n from inside the house!

i immediately put down the dumbbells and pulled up my leg warmers...and skedaddled the H-E-double hockey stix outta there...as i was head'n out... 
my good friend Faedre called and i was tell'n her about this freak who took a pic of me work'n out...and not that THAT was so unusual...but it was more the manner that the pic was take'n...it was take'n thru the window of the gym
my 1st OFFICIAL STALKER!...now i know what it feels like to be MADONNA...well...minus the gazillion dollars in my piggy bank...a hot bilingual conalingul to read bed time stories to...and a posse of A double snake kissers every where i go to do my bidd'n...but at least we now have a common thread to talk about over beluga caviar...carrot strips and some kabbalah on the side...if the situation should ever happen that we meet...again

by the time i had made it home...i started gett'n dinner ready and noticed another text from him...but decided that this cat and mouse game had gone on long enough...so i deleted it without even read'n it...then another text had come thru...this time with a pic that looked awfully familiar to me...
CUZ IT WAS ME LEAVE'N THE GYM!
seriously kittens...this was now gett'n a lil to "i will not be ignored!"
and i was in no mood fer bunny soup that even'n!

3 hours later...as i was O.D.'n on S.A.T.C..since i wasn't have'n any...
a call came thru with no name...but i was so strung out like some junkie whore on the show...that i picked it up without think'n...they said they were Jay and that we met a while back...hmmm i did meet a Jay in chicago over market days that was from the Minne-Apple...and wanted to "hang out"...so i said sure come on over...but only to swap stories...not split you like a sunday...cuz i was gett'n ready to count sheep

30 mins later...a text popped up say'n he was here...so i threw on my Smurf jammies (why not!) and headed fer the back door...(lil side note...contrary to popular belief...that is my door of choice...i gotta tattoo above mine that says exit only...unless you gimme a ring) but any who'zll'ding...as i reached the top of the steps...i could see some odd guy
peer'n thru my back door window...hmmm...this was not the Jay that i had previously met in Chicago...though he hadda sorta Colin Farrell attractiveness...(if i have early onset dementia and glaucoma of the eyes)
 in a Charles Nelson Reilly sorta way...
i had zero clue who he was and was in no mood to play 20 questions...so i opened the back door and asked him who he was...turns out...
 HE WAS MY STALKER!

as he paced back and forth in the park'n lot try'n to get me to let him inside...i wondered....hmmm....how did he ever find me?...then i thought wait!...i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own damn universe...i don't have to put up with this shit!
then i noticed he had on a back pack...and was sweat'n like a priest on a playground...so i let him talk...cuz i wasn't wear'n my explosive deflector jammies that particular even'n

he pretty much rambled on...hop scotch'n from random story to random story...how 95% of non heterosexuals lie on line about themselves (can't argue with him there unfortunately)...how i was good look'n (again...good point!) but looked like i'm pretentious (hey hold up a minute there...i'm not conceited...just convinced!)...then he went off the deep end about if he ever had kids and the stove was on how he would let them touch it and they would learn their lesson and how no one ever wants to hang out...
with him...and how he has an IQ of 110...A-N-D...time to go P-S-Y-C-H-O! 

i told him it's been lovely meet'n him and thanked him fer play'n...
he went home with some beautiful part'n gifts...a phone number to a "friend" of mine who works with the "lollipop guild" society and some unused turtle wax i had left over from my price is right winn'ns back in '87...and made my way back inside my shit box...
i racked my brain over and over how he found me as i applied my St Ives mint julip mud mask...turns out a friend i had called said that any picture's that i may have take'n in my own lil shit box i call home and sent out to the universe...can easily be tracked by GPS from my phone
DOH!

i knew upgrade'n my dino flip phone to a smart phone was gonna be the death of me...my dumb ass would never figer out all the tricks and triggers and chaos's it could cause...it's a trilogy of terror i could live without!

3 days later...i received a call from yet another unknown number...and like an idiot think'n it could be a call from Ed McMahon tell'n me i had won the publishers clear'n house bullshit...(before i realized he's dead) i picked up!
he wanted to know what my name was...i said "WHY?"...he said...
 "cuz i wanna know who i'm look'n at!"

well it has been 4 years since my stalker left me...but i know he's out there...watch'n...wait'n...want'n more...of me...well why the hell not?
but i'm in no mood to have'ta get my number changed...again...fer fuck's sakes...i can barely remember my ABC's...let alone my STD's...so until we meet again...and i'm sure we will...

GET OFF MY DRESS!