ALL HAIL TO THE QUEENS!

thru-out my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe history on this planet (pre and post) there have only

been 3 highly important trail blaze'n QUEENS that have captured a smidgen of my attention...that also have unfortunately passed their prime steak and cake days...the first bein that tip toe thru the tulips lead singer FREDDIE MERCURY from the rock band QUEEN who rocked the world with monster hits like "WE WILL ROCK YOU" "ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST" "BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY" and the theme song to the sci-fi masterpiece "FLASH GORDON" among many many others...

who left the planet much too soon in november of 1991 "allegedly" due to eat'n the arsenic laced cosmetics he used on the set of the "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" video a few years earlier (look it up kittens...i don't have the time to confirm or deny what some junkie live'n in a refrigerator box told me when i wanted to rent a room on his second floor way back then)

it would be another 31 years later before another important queen who 

intrigued me and went thru just as many title changes as i have STD's from HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCESS OF YORK which she went by thru april of 1926 until decem of 1936

to HER ROYAL HIGHNESS THE PRINCESS ELIZABETH from decem of 1936 to novem of 1947

to HER ROYAL HIGHNESS THE PRINCESS ELIZABETH...DUTCHESS OF EDINBURGH...COUNTESS OF MERIONETH AND BARONESS GREENWICH from novem of 1947 to feb of 1952...which if ya ask me was a bit "uppity" fer a title don't'cha think? i mean it's not like yer the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe lady!

to ultimately simplify'n it all down (so she wouldn't end up gett'n a bad case of carpet tunnel syndrome sign'n all those autographs) to HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN ELIZABETH from feb of 1952 until she peaceful passed away on sept 8th 2022 after 70 years of leave'n ring around the crown (here's hope'n the staff oxy cleaned the fuck outta it...i'm just say'n)

say what you will about the QUEEN whether it be good or bad thru-out

her most impressive and longest reign in the royal family (the jury is still out on that "unfortunate accident" in '97) the broad knew how to pull off a jaunty hat with savoir flair durin' her blue rinse reign

though we unfortunately never gotta chance to gossip over a lovey hot

steam'n cup of earl grey and jaffa biscuits when i was at Buckingham Palace in '95 '99 or '02 due to security have'n an attitude with me all cuz i needed to dip into the loo fer a #2...i have always been fascinated by yer regalities and hope you get to reunite with yer beloved PHILLIP

that's "IF" DIANA let's you thru the pearly gates ma'am (of course you'd have to believe in that delusional playground in the sky as well)

BUTT...wait there's one more

now i've stuck with her thru the wilderness...struck a pose or two with her

on the dance floor and have even give'n her all my love (include'n my 401k...a few vital organs and even downgraded my dignity just so i could see her last couple of concerts a few years ago in the Minne-Apple)

unfortunately...i must'a huffed on too much freezer coolant the other day

when i went to grab a hot pocket fer lunch outta the icebox and happened to come across a blurb online that my fav-o-rit QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was doin a remake to her smash ABBA influenced hit "HUNG-UP" 

and seen what her latest fashion crazy fer the remake would be and it pains me to say this cuz remember i was huff'n on all that freezer coolant...in spite of all that it's tough love time from a life long worshipper...

mmmm freezer coolant

i can barely tolerate the bleached brows with the burnt sienna wig you got 

on sale at party city...however a BASEBALL hat??? yer the fuck'n style

ICON of the entire UNIVERSE M-A-D-O-N-N-A fer JESUS MARY KATE and ASHLEY SIMPSON on a flakey graham cracker cross...you can have ANY top fashion designer on the globe who would gladly give you their soul to let you live ferever just to design you in somethin glamorous and boundary break'n that all the desperate bitches beneath yer feet who will eventually fuck it up try'na make a piss poor reproduction of it fer themselves on their next photo shoot fer the Lillian Vernon catalog...

you seriously don't have to look like some sad rejected back-up dance'n fly girl from tv's "IN LIVING COLOR"...you really don't

ever since you purchased PETE BURNS eyepatch from SOTHERBY's 

a few years back after his untimely death and decided to have Mercy buy you that glue gun fer Kabbalah class with her weekly allowance and then "borrowed" a handful of Lourdes Marie Veronica Ciccone Leon's facial gems outta her closet 

to create yer MADAME X look...things just haven't been the same!

seriously M...i get a distinct feel'n that yer lovely adoptive kids you j'adore

with all yer rebel heart that you won with yer platinum Amex card from that claw machine when you went out fer breakfast at a Denny's in Malawi all those years ago have been call'n all yer fashion shots fer you these past few years (which is fine since they're yer kids) however...i couldn't even read yer tarot cards in the VIP section when i flew my plump A double snakes to NY to visit with you at yer roller disco party in Central Park recently 

fer the release of yer incredible 3cd remix set of yer 50 #1's which has already gone to #1 in 7 countries...just cuz yer kids were there...and inspite of all that

why isn't yer spanish lullaby apart of this collection? it was #1 in 9 countries back in '87

and i was all about high five'n you on yer hot new 23 year old throat plunge'n model ANDREW DARNELL you had with you (meeeeouch) nonetheless i only got free shade...cocktails and a chance of collect'n athletes foot with those rental skates...

though i have a distinct feel'n we're gonna be see'n you in glittered horns in the near future with that stare you gave me that nite!

and ps...i didn't really mind the caps during the "EROTICA" phase like alot

of the others who complained about them in the 90's or even the 1st few times i saw you photographed in those grills recently fer the past 5 years roughly...i know ya just wanna "get down" with the "crips" and the "blood's" or whatever names they're goin by these days...

except on print they just look like you got lemon flavored gummy bears stuck between yer teeth and i'm just gonna say it since NO ONE in yer camp apparently has the balls (cuz you are seriously far from yer prime steak and cake days)

the ONLY thing that looks good on grills these days are shish kabobs and that's only fer a maximum of 10 minutes...so please call me...

i got some ideas!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

GETT'N WIGGY WITH IT

we've all had those mundane morn'ns where we barely tumbled outta bed

and painfully stumbled to the kitchen to hardly pour ourself a cup of ambition with only minutes to spare before ya gotta make that mad dash out the door to the office with absolutely no time to wash and set yer do...opt'n instead to cover up the pearl necklaces left encrusted in yer hair compliments of that guy you met on craigslist 3 years prior that drove in from the burbs in hopes that you hadn't moved yet

with the fav-o-rit back combed beauty yer grama bequeathed to you from the Eva Gabor collection that she had purchased back in the late 70's

ever since the mid 17h century...fake follicles have adorned the noggins

of many follically challenged fella's and teased up tawdry trollops that were worn as some sorta status symbol to flaunt their enormous sugga daddy wealth

i myself can still recall the very 1st time durin' my pre-unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe years of course...in 1986...when i was but a diligent yet dainty environmentalist (way before it was in vogue) scour'n thru my sour'n small minded town on my bmx bike...

collect'n any and all discarded stomach regurgitate'n liquid replenishment recyclable containers from every nook and cranny i could find and store em in my granny's garage til i was ready to turn them in fer some serious benjamins...

and by serious...i mean i needed exactly $85 plus tax...to cover my cranium with my very own long tresseled toupe since i could only get my follicles to find their way to my shoulders...and trust me...i was the envy of all that hit me up at Hardee's drive-thru that year

see kittens...years before RuPaul was tell'n the world to sashay...shantay

in the 90's and the ungodly birth of the the RUtards in the 2000's...saturate'n the airwaves with their "iconic" regurgitated looks...i was decaffinated and completely fasinated by the power of the wig and all the accroutrements that went along with it years before

thanx in part to people that i've really revered...who've paved the way fer 

my humble beginn'ns...from HARVEY KORMAN as everyone's fav-o-rit fierce fairy godmother on the ass splitt'n hit sketch series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" in the 1970's

to FLIP WILSON who duct taped his balls to his back walls portray'n the wise crack'n GERALDINE JONES on his very own comedy series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" durin' the same decade

and of course who can forget the comedic time'ns of one JACK TRIPPER played by JOHN RITTER portray'n cookie contestant contest winner grama Tripper on the hit series "THREE'S COMPANY"

BUTT...that ain't all

everyones fav-o-rit 1st family of fright..."THE MUNSTERS" even dabbled

in tresses and dresses every now an then when prodigious patriarch HERMAN MUNSTER frolick'd with his feminine side durin' the 60's that i was glued to in the 80's

of course the delicious decadence of the 80's was not lost on the world of 

television thanx to the short lived tv series marinate'n in aqua velvet and aqua net with the yet unknown academy award winner TOM HANKS and emmy award winner PETER SCOLARI as 2 struggle'n gender bend'n advertisement agent roomies share'n a one bedroom in an all woman's apartment build'n just to survive the concrete jungles of NYC in "BOSSUM BUDDIES"

even former vaudville performer MILTON BERLE...who was christened 

mr. televison in 1949 bein' that he was the 1st major tv sensation to hit the airwaves...frocked up as auntie Mildred on his comedy series "THE MILTON BERLE SHOW"...though most gen X'ers only remember him fondly play'n dual roles as a socialite couple with one half dripp'n in Harry Winston jewels in the hard rock'n video "ROUND AND ROUND" by those head bang'n alcoholic look'n wives of the group RATT in 1984

that same year...britsh rock band QUEEN fronted by the bisexual badass 

of them all FREDDIE MERCURY finally got to get in touch with his more feminine side as an 80's house wife in the video for "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" turn'n hag drag into a household discussion

by the 1990's...the WAYAN brothers sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR"

would spawn the comic genius of JAMIE FOXX as WANDA WAYNE christened the ugliest woman in the world...but that crown would eventually be snatched out from under her by the one and only 

RUtard...TYRA SANCHEZ 

i practically broke my piggy bank take'n everyone to see the sleeper hit 

of the summer in 1995..."PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" involved these 3 fanfuckingtabulous slap stick'n hair hopp'n vegemite lassies from down under...who completely proved you can make some fierce follicles with just a glue gun...some spray glitter and a $5 budget in the floral section at yer local dollar store

now don't get me wrong...ANYONE that can pull off a pile of teased up

 tresses without act'n like a pile of mess's has my praise...but to be quite honest...the only redeemable RU gurls in my opion out there are BIANCA DEL RIO and GINGER MINJ...P-E-R-I-O-D...the rest are just pieces of forgettable refried crap on bitter toast!

i still own my 1st raven wig that i ever purchased as a teenage jezebel...

though now it looks more like a bushel of Joan Jett's disgruntled pubic hairs...luckily i decided a while back to adopt a more bad ass blonde look which has been alot more fun to say the least...HOWEVER...

soon i plan on sport'n the wonderful world of the WARHOL wig collection since i'm near'n the age of Murder She Wrote marathons accompanied by metamucil martini's and lime jell-o squares as the main course...so until next time...GET OFF MY DRESS!

FROSTED FLAKERS pt.2

who amongt us out there has ever had that utterly uncomfortable feel'n

that you feel personally responsible fer the demise of all the Catherine Martin's of the world known simply as the "Karens" of today? (yea...me either) i'm not point'n any fingers...just take'n a poll...that's all! if yer lost...click here fer pt 1 cuz i ain't repeat'n my mistakes...again!

and now the excrutiate'n concussion to FROSTED FLAKERS pt.2

it would take me roughly a year later before i decided it was time to clean

my love shack shit shack from all that bad chi that had been linger'n around me fer far too long...and decided to go on my 1st actual date that i wanted to actually follow thru with

everyone knows when they think there's a possibility with a person of interest...you pull out yer rule book and just go from there...and this one seemed to fit my profile...he had the looks....charm...that wrinkled twinkle

 in his eyes that made me wanna know more (i am a sucker fer a set of cool blue iris's after all) to keep his anonymity safe...i'll just use what he said who he has been compared to before as a visual aid...and i gotta say...it's pretty damn accurate...anyways...where was i?...oh yea...the only thing miss'n from him was the back handed sammich compliments or glassy eyes that i seem to mentally get attracted to...he was just way too nice and dare i say "normal"...this was all new unfamiliar territory to me...so we continued to have non verbal chatter via text fer a week or so til we finally decided to have an ACTUAL verbal conversation...

somethin' that a large portion of the gen Y'ers and gen Z'ers see as a concept that they just can't completely comprehend unless you first follow them on tiktok...twitter..and instagram..."like" and leave them a lobotomized non judgemental comment so that they can brag to all their other non socially inept friends who wanna march fer the bann'n of tv series from...

the sexually flirtatous...homosexually stereo typed story lines of
"THREE'S COMPANY"

to the the sexually flirtatous...homosexually stereo typed story lines and racially profiled pre BLM series with that ONE white guy
 "IN LIVING COLOR"
(ummm you can insert laugh here without popp'n a prozac and organize'n a march on the state capital...m'kay?)

date #1 was at my palace...since he said he didn't have a tv yet at home...

so we watched one of my all time fav movies "MURIEL'S WEDDING" since he had never seen it before...and i could basically recite it word fer word at this point...but trust me Muriel...

"i was not terrible"...i pondered whether or not to have this be the 1st movie since some might interpret it as a "sign" of panic or desperation...but 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck it!

the alternative i'da rather watched was "THE TEXAS CHAINSAW 

MASSACRE": THE BEGINNING" then i remembered 1st dates are all about give'n memorable first impressions...and i didn't want him think'n i was some sorta ax wield'n homocidal maniac wish'n he'd packed his can of mace (well not yet anyways)

or wish'n he'd make a deal and gone with what was behind door number 2 instead

there was alot of saliva swapp'n and heavy pett'n at the conclusion of the

movie i can confirm...but no dignity was lost nor were any unmentionables covered in pearl necklaces

by date #2...i was summoned to his palace...which luckily...was within my

 drive'n radius...walk'n up to his perfectly sculptured yard...we talked more about this than that...that really was just the typical filler conversation on a 2nd date...and he was the perfect hostess too...he served me brown rice and tofu on a bed of lightly sea salted kale an exotic beer...and we talked alot more...and as the modular furniture faded into the nite sky...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't been kissed in years (it's in my rules book under the chapter "slipp'n down the saliva slide too soon") then all of a sudden...off slid our dignity and i was oddly summoned by the faint sounds of Miss Bernhard...chant'n in the back of my head...while in his bed...

"stop! do you have any rubbers? while yer at it...could you make it 2?...and i would feel just a little bit better if you would apply some spermicidal  jams and jellies to the area"...i will not confirm nor deny if any sorta broken rules of fornication may or may not have happened at this point durin' the nite...you just go ahead and fill in the blanks with yer own dirty lil thoughts

finally date #3 had ultimately arrived as planned...and he planned fer us to

view "FINDING NEVERLAND" since he had gotten his tv and dvd set up

seriously though "FINDING NEVERLAND"? how about find'n a bar 1st? 

or at the very least a restaurant with some socially acceptable and very distanced atmosphere...this COVID life was kill'n me...i mean...i ain't pick'n sides but i'm totally intrigued by this whole melodrama between Depp...his millions and that gold digg'n harlet he unfortunately felt the need to marry fer some ungodly reason...cuz in my sadistically pleasant fantasy world...

Johnny would still be married to Winona...live'n in my hometown of Winona...with me as their personal assistant and manager of the most luxurious trailer park in all the land...on weekends we'd all get together on my 70's inspired lanai...sipp'n on jalepeno mules play'n canasta in our Gaultier onesies...laugh'n about what could have been...but was never meant to be...though i can say with all honesty...i melted...even if i wasn't really a fan of this Depp adventure

his hands were all over me like an octopus outta water the whole time...

which i guess meant he was sorta into me...unless it was due to some sorta nervous tick disorder he had and just fergot to take his meds...either way...i'll admit...it was nice

once the movie was over...it was time to take his dogs for a walk...and as i felt more comfortable with him...i began to unfold more parts of my past

since it was past due...but i noticed an instant change in his demeanor when i spoke briefly of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...an all to familiar feel'n that flows like a flood of apparent flaws thru me...now mind you...as much as i was try'n on these new flirty slacks that i haven't put on fer some time...i was in NO WAY ready to call it quits with my single life or memorize the lyrics to "I DO I DO I DO" by ABBA (even though i've practiced it plenty of times durin' one of my many highway car concerts) but at this point i just knew the storm was about to hit the brakes over my disclosure once the dogs were back home

the nite would end with that uncomfortable kiss you would give an elderly

 incontinent relative you haven't seen in ages...who fergot to put the choppers back in their mouth

well...at this point...i figer'd i had no need to spend my benjamins call'n...

 Miss Cleo fer any future advice...the write'n was on the wall...and by late nite the follow'n day...i would receive that "it's not you...it's me" text...somethin' a spineless jelly fish would send...cuz you know...person to person is outta the ?...pretty much say'n nothin' i haven't heard before...which is why it didn't shock me much at all...plus i'm not gonna waste my time try'n to decipher whether he may or may not have meant somethin' else via his text...

so to save face of course...i would respond with the stale mate refried crap on toast response "yea...friends are fine" text...which is what i thought that's all we were to begin with anyways...though realistically we both know it'll never come to that in the end

cuz all of a sudden...a light bulb popped on in my head and it was Miss Hobbs tell'n me exactly what i needed to hear

i seriously hold no ill will towards him at all...cuz he really was a sweet guy

and as per Avril...he to would make it into a sweet song...but sweets cause cavities...and who needs another mental dental bill? i could say i certainly hope he finds what he's look'n for...but why?

i have absolutely no regrets with anyone i've ever fancied thus far in my

love life...even as much of a struggle as it might have been in the 1st place with any of them...i just remind myself...i'm not yer bitch...don't lay yer shit on me and soldier on til it's time fer my metamucil martini's and Matlock marathons after my 3rd help'n of lime jell-o in the home

i'll just file this whole experimental experience under "don't distress"

just GET OFF MY DRESS!