NOT SO PLASTIK?...FANTASTIK!

the very moment we take that slip and slide ride down the birth canal to be

greeted by all those annoyingly thunderous goo's and gushes in every nook and cranny from every granny Aiken's to the uncle Orlean's around the planet...we are told we're gett'n old and we as a society will go to whatever extremes to cling onto the past at any and all costs...regardless of the ramifications...unfortunately there is no magic wand nor fountains of youthful elixirs...

that will help turn back time...

to stop yer unfortunate age'n process rott'n corpse from become'n just a mere moment in someone's memory...

BUTT...there are options!

ever since i was a traumatized teenaged terror in a town full of total uptight

tit slinge'n fly trappers and pabst blue ribbon beer guzzle'n balance'n acts that frequented Roy's Little Nashville Bar kitty corner from the block i used to live on in some simple and small minded MN town...i made it my pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe's life's mission not to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen just to pour myself a cup of some damn ambition

though there have been many a queens thru-out the distance of time...

years before MADONNA would become the queen of the dance floor...

BOY was the queen of london...

and FREDDY was the QUEEN of  rock-n-roll...

however...the only queen i truly got to personally know on a one to one

weekly basis...the queen of all clays who was my go-to to give a backhand sammich to father time while clean'n out my pores in that under stated porcelain white tube topped off with her emerald green crown was QUEEN HELENE (however fuck that 33% more market'n scheme cuz it NEVER existed...it was just full of air)

of course this was mainly due to the barrage of magazine market'n and tv

jingles that traumatized our teenage insecurities since we were already the leader of our own personally destructive pity parade of our own personally awkward looks and then there was that one episode of Phil Donahue on skin cancer that didn't help matters

i can remember some years later when i was forced out on my very own 

and started out my career as a beauty school drop-out...my all time fav-o-rit teacher Anna Overland tell'n the class when it came to skin care to always moisturize...moisturize...moisturize then to switch up yer moisturizer every 3 months so yer skin would not get used to a routine much like a gym trainer would tell their client to switch up their work-outs every 3 months so their muscles won't plateau and i've pretty much stuck to that routine weekly fer the past 35+ years...though QUEEN HELENE and me have parted ways years ago thanx to technology

though i would be the worlds worst crack addict...just fer the simple fact  

that i hate needles...if i happen to notice parts of me crack'n as i climbed the ladder of life...i'd search out fer the latest and greatest affordable lotions to help keep father time from tap dance'n around me fer yet another year and fer the most part since i wasn't bake'n like bacon every summer since the 80's...eat'n a pretty clean lifestyle (outside of the occasional dirty throat plunger now and then) and work'n out off and on routinely...i've managed to fool the fools who thought i was a fool fer practice'n this lifestyle and now foolishly they wish they'd had practiced my foolery

however...don't confuse that with me degrade'n yer groom'n habits or choices in life...we ALL make them and we ALL must life by them...i'm not impressed if you think i'm not 50 or if you think i look 150 nor do i care if you think i've had any work done...i own it if i did..I AM in my 50+ check mark box of life now and still more fuck'n fabuless-than-the-goin-rate!

if yer insecurely comfortable use'n yer body as some experimental pin 

 cushion fer the latest botulistic jab putt'n yerself in debt just to make that perfect selfie that'll be ferever lost amongst the garbage piles of social media by next week...i say go fer it...we live in an alternate universe these days and anyways with the millions of downloadable beauty apps available at our finger prints we can all look like a fetus in a wig if we really want to...but don't wig out if you get called out in person...society has conditioned us to think that after the age of 20...florescent light'n IS NOT yer friend...after 30 back light'n IS NOT yer friend...after 40 overhead light'n IS NOT yer friend and once yer in yer golden age you outta just turn off the damn lights all together!

so one afternoon as i was hop scotch'n between all the diabetic paraders 

and fantastic sam hair disasters at some random eye sore mall while wait'n to get financially raped by yet another dipshitt'n dip stick’n mechanic...this adorably confused middle easternish Ariana fanniccino Grande thing stalk'n walkers outside some over priced skin care treatment enclosure try'n desperately to corral them inside had reluctantly put me under his spell by batt'n his butterfly lashes and give'n me a free sample of jack-off hand cream to get me inside to purchase some over priced delusional concoction to turn back time so of course i couldn't resist his ming ring and got all Dale Arden on his bubblicious A double snakes

now flattery at any age is always an ego booster fer anyone regardless

if you know they're lie'n thru their yellow stained meth teeth or not and trust me...he was spread'n it like a hooker would their legs fer a mink and a mansion and once inside his web of deception he pulled out a "new innovative cream" that says will help cure me of my crows feet...

ummmmm excuse...why Blanche...have you gone blind?

now even though my ego needs no booster seat....my ego also needs no 

crows feet kill'n cream since...well...i fortunately have no crow's feet to kill at the present time 

however when the times comes…i will deal with it how i see fit!

seriously...i mean i get the script is yer bread and butter at the moment

till you go home to yer parents basement to smoke a bowl and o.d. on a bag of stale jalapeño dorito's you found stuffed between yer couch cushions then check how many followers you got on yer latest tacky tiktok post and if Charli D'Amelio commented on it at all...but gurrrrrrrl PUHLEEZ...you think i'm SHOOK by suggest'n i need yer shitty over priced syrup sludge to smooth out my face?

i have not and DO NOT marinate in Ernest Borgnine beauty crème once a week fer the past 35 years to look this acceptable

when i finally find a crow leave'n their foot prints in my face i'll deal with it

not cuz society beats me down to put myself in financial ruin...think about it kittens...not everyone can age gracefully...some never get to age at all while some age with absolute grace while others are just full of demented DNA disgrace 

however...that's their choice to live with it so who am i to judge judy them

so with that in mind...GET OFF MY DRESS!

GETT'N WIGGY WITH IT

we've all had those mundane morn'ns where we barely tumbled outta bed

and painfully stumbled to the kitchen to hardly pour ourself a cup of ambition with only minutes to spare before ya gotta make that mad dash out the door to the office with absolutely no time to wash and set yer do...opt'n instead to cover up the pearl necklaces left encrusted in yer hair compliments of that guy you met on craigslist 3 years prior that drove in from the burbs in hopes that you hadn't moved yet

with the fav-o-rit back combed beauty yer grama bequeathed to you from the Eva Gabor collection that she had purchased back in the late 70's

ever since the mid 17h century...fake follicles have adorned the noggins

of many follically challenged fella's and teased up tawdry trollops that were worn as some sorta status symbol to flaunt their enormous sugga daddy wealth

i myself can still recall the very 1st time durin' my pre-unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe years of course...in 1986...when i was but a diligent yet dainty environmentalist (way before it was in vogue) scour'n thru my sour'n small minded town on my bmx bike...

collect'n any and all discarded stomach regurgitate'n liquid replenishment recyclable containers from every nook and cranny i could find and store em in my granny's garage til i was ready to turn them in fer some serious benjamins...

and by serious...i mean i needed exactly $85 plus tax...to cover my cranium with my very own long tresseled toupe since i could only get my follicles to find their way to my shoulders...and trust me...i was the envy of all that hit me up at Hardee's drive-thru that year

see kittens...years before RuPaul was tell'n the world to sashay...shantay

in the 90's and the ungodly birth of the the RUtards in the 2000's...saturate'n the airwaves with their "iconic" regurgitated looks...i was decaffinated and completely fasinated by the power of the wig and all the accroutrements that went along with it years before

thanx in part to people that i've really revered...who've paved the way fer 

my humble beginn'ns...from HARVEY KORMAN as everyone's fav-o-rit fierce fairy godmother on the ass splitt'n hit sketch series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" in the 1970's

to FLIP WILSON who duct taped his balls to his back walls portray'n the wise crack'n GERALDINE JONES on his very own comedy series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" durin' the same decade

and of course who can forget the comedic time'ns of one JACK TRIPPER played by JOHN RITTER portray'n cookie contestant contest winner grama Tripper on the hit series "THREE'S COMPANY"

BUTT...that ain't all

everyones fav-o-rit 1st family of fright..."THE MUNSTERS" even dabbled

in tresses and dresses every now an then when prodigious patriarch HERMAN MUNSTER frolick'd with his feminine side durin' the 60's that i was glued to in the 80's

of course the delicious decadence of the 80's was not lost on the world of 

television thanx to the short lived tv series marinate'n in aqua velvet and aqua net with the yet unknown academy award winner TOM HANKS and emmy award winner PETER SCOLARI as 2 struggle'n gender bend'n advertisement agent roomies share'n a one bedroom in an all woman's apartment build'n just to survive the concrete jungles of NYC in "BOSSUM BUDDIES"

even former vaudville performer MILTON BERLE...who was christened 

mr. televison in 1949 bein' that he was the 1st major tv sensation to hit the airwaves...frocked up as auntie Mildred on his comedy series "THE MILTON BERLE SHOW"...though most gen X'ers only remember him fondly play'n dual roles as a socialite couple with one half dripp'n in Harry Winston jewels in the hard rock'n video "ROUND AND ROUND" by those head bang'n alcoholic look'n wives of the group RATT in 1984

that same year...britsh rock band QUEEN fronted by the bisexual badass 

of them all FREDDIE MERCURY finally got to get in touch with his more feminine side as an 80's house wife in the video for "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" turn'n hag drag into a household discussion

by the 1990's...the WAYAN brothers sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR"

would spawn the comic genius of JAMIE FOXX as WANDA WAYNE christened the ugliest woman in the world...but that crown would eventually be snatched out from under her by the one and only 

RUtard...TYRA SANCHEZ 

i practically broke my piggy bank take'n everyone to see the sleeper hit 

of the summer in 1995..."PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" involved these 3 fanfuckingtabulous slap stick'n hair hopp'n vegemite lassies from down under...who completely proved you can make some fierce follicles with just a glue gun...some spray glitter and a $5 budget in the floral section at yer local dollar store

now don't get me wrong...ANYONE that can pull off a pile of teased up

 tresses without act'n like a pile of mess's has my praise...but to be quite honest...the only redeemable RU gurls in my opion out there are BIANCA DEL RIO and GINGER MINJ...P-E-R-I-O-D...the rest are just pieces of forgettable refried crap on bitter toast!

i still own my 1st raven wig that i ever purchased as a teenage jezebel...

though now it looks more like a bushel of Joan Jett's disgruntled pubic hairs...luckily i decided a while back to adopt a more bad ass blonde look which has been alot more fun to say the least...HOWEVER...

soon i plan on sport'n the wonderful world of the WARHOL wig collection since i'm near'n the age of Murder She Wrote marathons accompanied by metamucil martini's and lime jell-o squares as the main course...so until next time...GET OFF MY DRESS!

the QUEEN and ME!

remember that musical from the 1950's...the King and I

well...i have been more partial to the QUEEN's fer some reason myself

there have been many many many queens through-out the land...

there's yer Queen of the British Monarch

the Queen of Mean Spirited Hysterics

the Queen of the Honey Makers

the Queens of the hot Australian Desert

the Queen of Hearts with her tasty tarts

and then of course...there was these guys

but there's only one QUEEN that is the fiercest in the land...

     and that's MADONNA...bitch!

after 25 years outta the spotlight...in the Land of 10,000 Lakes anyways...

the QUEEN will FINALLY be make'n her triumphant return to St Paul, MN
(i mean really kittens...it's like the 2nd come'n...fer christ sakes!)

Saturday November 3rd and Sunday November 4th in downtown St. Paul

@ the Xcel Energy Center

to help welcome the QUEEN back to the land of 10,000 lakes with

 her 100,000+ fans

yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist

 

of her own universe and dirty gurl of the Minne-Apple...KRYSTAL KLEER 

will be host'n fer one nite only (due to budget cuts in my piggy bank)

 THEE OFFICIAL MDNA TOUR PARTY

 "M"

@

490 North Robert Street, Saint Paul, MN

(651) 292-1844 

Friday November 2nd @ 8pm

21+ w/ID

$5 cover

the TREVOR PROJECT

MADONNA's smash single "Turn Up The Radio" giveaways...and other
completely fabulous goodies to give away to you kittens while supplies last

enjoy a complete nite of nothing but pure unaltered...unsalted...insane...
MADONNA MADNESS!

hear all of the QUEEN'S #1 hitz and remixes all nite long...

by the spinn'n sensations of  DJ David Birchard

from her 1st smash hit "EVERYBODY"

to her 43rd smash hit  "TURN UP THE RADIO"

taken from her billboard smash 12th #1 studio album out now

"MDNA"

MADONNA specialty cocktails and shots served thru-out the nite

performance by yer ALL-TIME fav-o-rit host KRYSTAL KLEER

dress as yer fav-o-rit MADONNA look from the past 30 years and enter to win fabulous MADONNA prizes in the "MADONNA DRAG RACE"

sponsored by :

Interscope Records

Smirnoff

SCENE! magazine

LAVENDER magazine

and stick around til mid-nite fer the grand prize draw'n for 2...

MDNA TOUR GOLDEN TRIANGLE PIT TICKETS

(you must be present to win)

whether you come "touched for the very first time"

or  "desperately seeking Susan"

if you wanna "feel like a queen on a throne"

or "Greta Garbo and Monroe...Dietrich and DiMaggio"

perhaps you wanna "put yer hands all over my body"

maybe you'll feel "frozen...when your heart is broken"

or maybe you feel like a "zephyr in the sky at night"

perhaps you feel like "nothing takes the past away like the future"

maybe you "drove your chevy to the levy and the levy was dry"

or just wanna "dance with my baby"

maybe you think "time goes by so slowly"

or perhaps "you're not half the man you think you are"

or maybe you "got no boundaries and no limits"

perhaps you wanna "get fired up like a smokin' gun"

or simply just wanna "turn up the radio"

anyway you wear it...a nite of "M" has somethin' fer everyone to enjoy...

which one will you be?

log in and like this event on facebook

or fer any blind mice out there unable to read this...

listen to my non hi fi definition interview i did with the fabulous Margie here

dress to impress...and remember...GET OFF MY DRESS!