BRING'N HOME THE BACON

this is a real addiction...confusion and cheap tattoos

a princess...a car thief and a lost shoe

loneliness...laughter...lust...the promise of pain

judas in blue jeans...tell me your name

~ Boy George

there has never been a person that has resonated with me more...thru melodramatic melodies...about the hopeless art of the instant oatmeal hook-up....betta than the BOY has himself 

we...and i'm speak'n only to the non heterosexual has-beens and has-been-nots out there...all desperately yearn'n to be temporarily tingled at some point thru-out their journey on this planet...just like all those other

"unnatural types" that choose to be non homosexual...not to be confused with the "wasbians" = used to be carpet cleaners but could never fully commit to shop classes

or the "unfageluffigus's" = used to have style and savoir flair but ended up with a prolapsed ass due to one too many "mission impossibles" in their unmentionables durin' the 80's

i can recall back in my days...before that dreaded trilogy of terror...simply known as my smart phone...that my dumb ass is STILL try'na figer out

after 4 1/2 years of marriage...that the only means of communicado with someone to help scratch that friday nite "itch" (that you hoped didn't need a spermicidal application and a razor)...was accomplished by 3 huge ways

1. BARE ASS BEACH....

located just a handful of very large red rover red rover steps away from the U of M...along the mighty Mississip...where my most preciously precocious Petrinella (and her minions) would indoctrinate me to the ways of the instantaneous gratifications under the pale moon light...(that is...if you fergot to bring yer chloroform spray with you to the bar)

this was accomplished by walk'n down a long stairway to a sandy hell in the middle of the nite...to the desolate open beach down below...like we were castaways that just got off the SS Minnow on a 30 minute tour to titillation town...

eventually we would be greeted by a plethora of unimpose'n figures emerge'n from the behind the bushes along the shore line in the still of some random hot summer nite...sadly though...it felt more like a scene that was straight outta the night of the living dead

and thanx to Peetrinella's infectious cackle echo'n amongst the seediness of the even'n...this avenue was unfortunately no longer a viable option for me to participate in future out'ins

2. BLOW JOB VALLEY...

you heard me right kittens....what is now a sprawl'n 4 story high subsidized house'n complex...that is home to many air bnb affiliates on the edge of the downtown Minne-Apple area in Loring park...was once a spacious and vacant park'n lot...

much like Miss Kellyanne Koo Koo fer "alternative facts" Kunt-away...

that housed many suburbian commuters by day...but turned into a circus arena of salacious sidewinders by sunset...where you would learn yer ABC's of the STD's that were readily available on any given nite...that me and many of my inept bar "friends" would participate in back in the early 90's...

corralled to the center of the park'n lot like a no-gag-reflexed cattle of cock...while the outside perimeter of perverseness would unilaterally and literally drive around us in a complete circle...single file...no more than 2-5 mph...as not to avoid any missed "purchases"...since they had no luck at the side walk sale outside the saloon...cuz this would be their last chance to get down anyone's pants...

 before they would have to head back home to their pabst blue ribbon past out on their unpaid ashley furniture...while we [the inept] waited anxiously fer the high beams to hit us from behind from some hot high roller that would flag us down and open us up like a lotus flower...though i would never be so lucky

after months of study'n the "art of the sale"...i would finally get a high beam i could call my very own...that would sadly only lead to the 1st...

10 minute feature film as a solo performer i would ever perform in...but incidentally...would be where i also successfully negotiated my 1st apartment deal on my very own in the uptown area 10 years later...

and sometimes...fer a lil extra street cred (*wink*wink*)...you (insert ME here) would be summoned by a "famous" heavy hitter on some seedy saturday nite in '94 that wanted you to "hit them" into next week...before they would have to take that long uncomfortable unconscious walk down that forced aisle of misery (VERY true story)

3. PHONE LINES...

i've always had an over active imagination when it came to plausible pleasures...but i always kept my expectations exceptionally low...so they'd be alot easier to attain that way...cuz i knew i would end up in pictures...

i just wasn't expect'n this was how it would all come to be...but i learned how to turn a tragic embarrassment into an animalistic ambush...the mo's went ape shit when i used my mug shot on gofuckyerself.com or somethin' like that...fer a short period of time

of course...i blame it on all those Jeff Stryker flicks that got plenty of miles from Rosy Palmer in the late 80's and early 90's and shows like OZ that made all those horny toads think'n they've hit the jack-off jackpot with a real life felon...and who was i to disappoint their twisted fantasy...but before the world of visual stimulation's were at my finger tips...

i would spend endless hours fall'n asleep on the free side of the phone lines with my over active imagination work'n into over drive...just to find that perfect mistake that i would eventually regret 10 minutes later (Peetrinella tried to curb my "addicktion" once...too many times...to no avail of course)

 cuz i was hooked on em like Steve Erwin to a stingray
(hey...hush the fuck up...more than enough time has passed!)

on any given day or nite...the typical gentleman caller genital wart...who was between the ages of 25 and dirt...6ft tall or above...with bushels of brunette follicles as thick as the amazon forest strategically placed thru-out their sculpted body...that consisted of 180 pds of pure 100% grade A chemically enhanced beef...encased in a 48 inch chest and a 32 inch waist...with enough italian sausage to wreck yer windpipe...

regrettably...reality would eventually set in when we met up...and just my luck...it rarely ever panned out the way i was expect'n it to...99 times outta 100 it was usually somethin' i personally would'a never ordered off the menu (if we had had today's technological advances back then)...only cuz they always ended up invert'n the numbers...and use'n the metric system where it mattered the most

so one particular restless early morn'n nite that i can recall...i met some casual caller (who i hoped was accurately describe'n themselves from the pre-approved menu fer a change) that was just a stones throw away from my back yard (that is....if i was a hungarian shot putter)...so i decided to meet him half way...why not!

and once again...my over active imagination waves were way outta sync...but instead of ridicule'n his very existence and turn'n back home alone...which was a perfectly shallow yet viable option i...like many others in my position...have used many a times before...

i just didn't wanna end up as some damn moo juice model in yer kids cafeteria

so i decided to look fer an easy exit stragedy...but most regrettably & very tragically (FER ME) when i invited him into my shitbox...ummm...i mean my quaint lil shitbox...i heard a sudden thud on my entrance floor as he...

turned to shut my front door...i couldn't believe it...his left sleeve went limp on me as he turned back around...well that's cuz HIS FUCK'N LEFT ARM FELL OFF...SERIOUSLY!...and this was not just any old hand...like i know yer think'n lincoln...NO...this was a hook hand!...A HOOK HAND!...i nervously waited fer his response before i would give my constrained retort..."oh...did i ferget to tell you that i had a prosthetic arm?"...hmmmm?...i hesitated fer just a mere moment before i could come up with the only non judgmental serial killer response..."yea...sorry sailor...but i've already done my charitable act fer the year...plus...i don't want you to be late to yer peter pan rehearsal" 

see you in salutations...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

kill'n the bill

just like Uma did in the 2003 blood bath fight'n against assassins

try'na destroy her and her unborn pile of puke...it pretty much summed up what happened with the whole "replace & repeal" plan that a majority of republicants and republicunts had been try'n to do fer the past 7 years...if it had passed (i much preferred to call it the "bait & switch" bullshit plan)...cuz it would'a had the same outcome for roughly 24 million kittens if it had passed...(and that's like almost no where near thee amount of kittens that follow me weekly...that would'a potentially missed out on my weekly insightful and rivet'n journalistic stories)...thankfully some of the GOP'ers actually dropp'd their barely there shriveled nuts...grew a conscious...or actually listened to their constituents or risk loose'n their paycheck...in either case...they kung-fu-fuck'd the H-E-double hockey sticks outta doey-eyed speaker anal drippage of the house and that TWITTER BITCH's plan to obliterate OBAMACARE...in turn...destroy'n any hope fer try'na kill off the majority of his brain dead zombie's who choked on all the "juice" he poured fer them dur'in his campaign

but don't take my ramble'n word fer it...political funny pussy and Jerri Blank's prettier sister SAMANTHA BEE irons it out a lil bit more clearer

so the TWITTER BITCH...marinated in his soiled bvd's...hopped in his presidential mobile and sped off to his sanctuary tree house at Mar-La-Go

this is yet just another blow fer the white house's TWITTER BITCH...who...once again...has failed to try and pass his travel ban (much like he does his weekly bowel movements)

all becuz his heroin hooked scarecrow and 2017 kaeopectate spokesmodel...tweeted him late one nite...after watch'n a Bruce Willis marathon...

that foreigners had infiltrated and attacked the Nakatomi Plaza in downtown LA and immediate action needed to be done

and with the TWITTER BITCH's hot headed press secretion try'na to sit and spin his boss's every twisted tweets like a hemorrhoidal roller-coaster

these 2 clowns are just simply worn out..but take'n it fer the team

of course we all know...this is just a hopeful distraction on his admins part...

 to try and get the cancellation of this years hottest tv series...so they won't have to stand in the unemployment line they wanna get rid of

and you'd have to be a complete brain dead zombie to think that the FBI's Nellie Olsen NUNES would ever be an independent critic...since he was busted try'n to block the release of the much anticipated reason fer treason... 

this summer season...filled with intrigue and inhibitions about the unbridled and unpaid love of assets between a russian and his rectal pirate

though seriously...the only thing he needs to focus all his energy on is the build'n of his new build'n

now get off my dress!

BRAVO...BITTER BETTIES

the good ol' days of original good television programm'n...

are long gone...unfortunately

ever since the absolute brain dead explosion of all that "reality" tv...

every rich bitch'n vaginal scab...from Orange County to the Big Apple on the annoyingly popular BRAVO series...

have done nothin' productive but turn the middle class into desperately drunk barbie dolls 

still try'na fit into their ill-fitt'n prom dress...wonder'n where they went wrong

well don't worry my couch sloths slurp'n yer zima and choke'n yer tuna hot dish...cuz the reality shit show is about to heat up and hit the over head

 ceil'n fan this fall...with BRAVO's all new season

starr'n Miss Lahren..."if he ain't Aryan...heck...then we ain't marry'n"...(insert the twirl with a screech'n owl sound here) as the half baked spit fired sorority slut...who can alphabetize her STD's faster than her ABC's

also starr'n Ivanka..."the only think my father wants to do more than fuck over America...is me!" (insert the twirl here with some sparkles) as the FIRST incestually desired daughter 

and KellyAnne..."oh no...the alternative fact of the matter is...i never said what i just said!...wait who just said that?" as CUNTESS CONN'D-HER-WAY-IN (insert a constipated tiresome dizzy twirl here)

and everyone's fav-o-rit anal leakage...Miss Coulter..."i'll probably die decrepit and unmarried...all alone in the dark...but at least i'm still white...and you can take that to yer empty bank account once the president makes you pay for that wall that will most likely be dismantled before it's all said and done!" (insert drooped shrugged shoulders sipp'n on a glass of merlot & whimper'n in the mirror)

and of course the back drop of the whole season...M-E-L-A-N-O-M-A...as the cancerous slovenian stain...that was bought and paid for in full...to make her maker not just look like some pile of deflated  pasty ass ego riddled tax scamm'n loud-mouthed misogynistic piece of shit with teeny tiny eeny weenie pussy grabb'n paws...that can only attract unmoralistic opportunist institutionalized immigrant flies...but that he actually is exactly just that!

(insert blank stare and porpoise noises here)

so there ya go kittens...hope you enjoy the show as much as i am glad i got rid of my cable 15 years ago...now get off my dress!

the ALTINATOR

gather round kittens...cuz i gotta excite'n new story to tell ya

remember that cute lil story about Henny Penny...as i recall...from what i can't remember...went nothing like perhaps how she ran around like a heroin addicted hooker...after gett'n gang banged by Loosy Goosey & Turkey Lurky...or somethin' like that...i may be a lil fuzzy on the actual facts

well...after this past weekends unauguratation shenanigan'd shit show

with the present clown of our country...

his sidekick...and spokesmodel for anal leakage...decided to get out fer some fresh air and clear the air from a few unfacts fer everybody on Meet the Press so eloquently

1st off is that comparison pic from the greatest president of the new millennium

try'n to prove who had the most bigley turnout in the history of 

presidential turn-outs...now...at first sight...it looks as though that Mango Mussolini didn't have as much of a turnout...compared to that of OBAMA back in 2009 of course...what the press had failed so miserably to report on is...that though it may have look'd as if there was alotta empty space on the ground...much like inside Miss K's head...but if the press would'a just used a simple zoom lense...they would noticed...

it was entirely packed with supporters...

but apparently no one on the ground gave the accurate results from the hired ticket counters along the parade route

so Miss Cuntess Conway decided to clear things up by release'n the much anticipated...easy guide to fun facts when you don't want people to assume yer just a pile of mental batshit

it's was a sad day at the Bachmann's residence

and in case ya wanna get a jump on yer shopp'n fer yer lil ones...get the latest must have doll fer this years holiglazed season

so in case yer wonder'n...here are some other fun alternative facts that may be not true...but don't bother try'na verify'n any of em...cuz make'n shit up is way more fun when you don't think you have to be held accountable anymore...like this one...

alternative fact #1...dinosaurs were actually very docile cave cats

alternative fact #2...Lindsay Lohan lost out the starr'n role to Sally Field in "not without my daughter"

alternative fact #23...William Hung has sold more records than the Beatles and Madonna combined

alternative fact #4...Scott Baio is just a sad...desperate...republican...anal wart...just try'na restart his career...well ok...that's really a bad example cuz that one's not so much an alternative fact...as it is just a sad fuck'n fact

in the end...if anyone tries to even say that those 300+ marches 

thru-out the world this past weekend...surpassed the inauguration of her boss...Lord FUCKFACE CLOWNSTICK...by millions...it simply can't compare to his actual number of brain dead lobotomized followers he had follow'n him on twitter and other social media outlets

cuz really...if you take a poll from all the Helen Keller's in the entire universe...it never even happened!

she's sorta like a presidential terminator...drunk on dramamine...but with less mass appeal...well cuz of her constant c-o-n-s-t-i-p-a-t-i-o-n-a-r-y looks

in the end...we all know this insomniatic vaginal wart is just in it to make it to broadway

 now get off my dress!