a boy called MARILYN

picture it kittens...35 years ago it was 1987 when 4 saucy gal pals from LA

had everyone contort'n on every corner of the globe pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic with their certified gold single "WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN"

4 sizzle'n blood suck'n boys from Santa Cruz were terrify'n the locals in the supernatural black comedy horror flick "THE LOST BOYS"

while a radioactive jaundice colored comical family of 4 plus baby appeared as cartoon shorts on the "TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW" fer the 1st time cement'n themselves as one of the longest runn'n cartoon series in history

and i decided to take a mental day from the hell of high school to stay home and watch some "MUST SEE' tv at 8 in the morn’n

after doin my usual OCD mark'ns in our tv guide that i'd do religiously on

every sunday nite to record "THE PHIL DONAHUE SHOW" look'n fer the weeks most interest'n topics i couldn't nor shouldn't miss though this particular week since i hadn't turned in any recyclables to purchase a 6 pack of vhs tape to record the program...i hadda play hooky

the house was completely emptied as Joan was off to work and my sibs

were all in school as far as i knew…though who knows...maybe they had take'n their own mental days somewhere else however this particular morn'n the house was completely quite and completely mine to rule so i could soak up the sites and sounds of who was to be the very 1st female impersonator to leave an enormous impression on my bedroom brown eyes of whom i couldn't take my eyes off of...the extraordinarily seductive JIMMY JAMES as MARILYN MONROE and once the hour was up i knew that my life was completely altered forever and would someday with every fiber of my bein'...i myself would become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER that i am known as today by my multiple personalities and my biggest fan i’ve never met yet!

i am way beyond thrilled to introduce the one and only JIMMY JAMES

and humbly honored he took some time outta his busy schedule this week fer a lil pow wow with me to open the eyes of my many kittens around the globe so we can all bathe in his beyond brilliant career

so JIMMY tell me when was the 1st moment you realized you wanted to do a proper MARILYN MONROE impersonation as a profession and how was it recieved by the audiences?

i won by a landslide the halloween costume contest in 1981 at the big popular gay bar known as "SUNSET BOULEVARD" it was a cash prize of $250! 

at the time i was working part-time at The GAP. it would have taken me 3 weeks to earn that much money. the next morning i woke up to count the cash again. i couldn't believe it! the crowd went ballistic for me. i blew kisses as MM and smiled and waved but the clencher was when i asked for the microphone and did an accapella of "happy halloween...to you...happy halloween to you..." the audience erupted all over again. it was that moment that i thought, maybe i have something.

who were some of the biggest influences that influenced you to become the absofuckinglutely fabulous female impersonator that the world and yer hard core fans like myself have come to love over the past 35+ years? 

JIM BAILEY for sure. of course his JUDY GARLAND was brilliant 

but his PHYLLIS DILLER was so chillingly accurate. he's the gold standard for female impersonation, for illusion, for doing the voices, for being a consummate actor

you must have oodles of sensational and salacious stories from meet'n fans and celebrities all around the globe since yer rise as MARILYN appear'n on the DONAHUE show...do you have any stories that come to mind that you'd care to share?

oh god your right, i have tons of stories! various straight men making passes at me that DON'T KNOW i'm actually male...

getting PHIL DONAHUE tongue tied...

getting Geraldo to dance with me as MM on national tv. he was very nice and open minded in the late 80's

i'm sure you met a handful of celebrities durin' yer illustrious career on stage...who were some of the biggest celebrities that you've encountered as MARILYN and how was their reaction?

i opened for EARTHA KITT and GEORGE BURNS. he thought he was seeing a ghost. 

in the 90s i finally met my idol BOY GEORGE when he came to my show in Miami. he wanted my boyfriend! LOL! 

i've hung out with DEBBIE HARRY, GRACE JONES, ANDY BELL from ERASURE, 

i've performed for my idols ELTON JOHN and WHOOPI GOLDBERG! so many magical moments.

 recording a duet with BOY GEORGE. it was never released but it's on YOUTUBE called "LIKE YOU DO"

now let's get down to the nitty gritty and reason fer this chit chat...can you tell my audience the excite'n project yer currently work'n on to cement yer legacy as MARILYN?

we are just beginning (with a GOFUNDME) to transfer aging videos and digitize photographs of me as MM. we are planning a documentary: "THE BOY WHO WAS MARILYN" before we can make the doc we have to make a sizzle reel to pitch the project (a demo reel) we've budgeted $9,000 for archiving about 100 tapes and tons of photos. we have to catalogue everything. i'll be busy all summer doing this. people are NOT ready for the visuals i've hoarded over the years.

what do you think of how drag is now thanx to the popularity of that other queens hit tv series as to when you began perform'n and do you have any fav-o-rits?

RuPaul and the World of Wonder have blown drag up HUGE! GLOBAL! my god what i had to go through when i was doing drag...i could not go beyond a certain level. we tried so hard. 

remember this is when AIDS was rampant. people were afraid and homophobic in many ways. it kept me from playing in theaters. lots of opportunities were not offered to me. i made the best of what i had to work with. the MONEY these girls can make now is mind-blowing!

i say to RU and WOW--CONDRAGULATIONS! you achieved what used to be impossible. they made drag acceptable, fun and mainstream. 

i like alot of the new girls: 1st of all BIANCA DEL RIO is GENIUS! ALYSSA EDWARDS,ALASKA,WILLIAM,RAJA,DELTA,TRIXIE.CHAD MICHAELS,LATRICE,JINX,GINGER MINJ 

& WILLOW PILL who cracked me up with "I HATE PEOPLE" i was late to the class because i was too busy. i didn't know who WILLOW was but when she did that number...i thought ok, THAT has to be the winner--i was right. i'm still singing "I HATE PEOPLE" LOL!! 

my other favorites are old school hags: LADY BUNNY, JACKIE BEAT, JOEY ARIAS, SHERRY VINE...these queens can still amaze and entertain the hell out of you

the last 2 years have really take'n a toll on many performers try'na make a paycheck...what did you do during the covid lockdown?

i did a quick pivot to LIVE LIVING ROOM concerts with my mama Josephine as my sidekick or as she likes to say "costar!" LOL! every thursday evening was a different show. i kept my voice in shape and kept mom busy with something to look forward to. i had a bunch of loyal followers (my tribe) who kept me from going insane and i hope i was able to give back too. i hope i made a difference

you not only sing MM live but you also had a hit under yer skirt with your own song "FASHIONISTA" that has become a drag and nightclub classic globally. it went to the top 10 of the BILLBOARD dance charts. did you write the song?

yup i did. i'm very proud of that! 

it's from my original album "JAMESTOWN" streaming on all platforms...i wrote all the songs. i worked with really good producers. i got over 35 million views on youtube. it still plays in clubs around the world. it gave me a relevance with a whole new audience. i'm very grateful

ok now we've come to the fav-o-rit part of this interview i like to simply call "let's talk about ME fer a change?" basically JIMMY ask me anything you wanna ask me under the rainbow (well except about rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism)

please forgive me for the last question. i need to look you up LOL..

no worries JIMMY...i'm just a simple unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...party of one...that will always be eternally grateful to you fer open'n up my eyes at such an early age and give'n me this mini glimpse into yer amaze'n world and can only hope sometime soon my name will be on the marquee after 25 years in the biz myself!!

i wanna personally thank the breathtake'n JIMMY JAMES aka thee world's greatest MARILYN MONROE impersonator (that's not up fer discussion...this is my interview) so in close'n kittens why not skip those lunch cocktails and that double expresso'd mocha frappe cappuccino latte

and DONATE TO A VERY WORTHY CAUSE before this legendary legacy is lost forever in VHS hell

if yer in the Houston area may 15th and look'n fer a good bang fer yer buck...catch JIMMY JAMES live by gett'n yer tix here before they sell out

if yer in the San Diego area may 20th and don't wanna waste yer covid cash on another town tramp...get yer tix fer JIMMY JAMES live here

if yer a twatter...follow JIMMY on TWITTER here

follow JIMMY on FACEBOOK here

follow JIMMY on INSTAGRAM here

follow JIMMY on YOUTUBE here

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

PRESENT the PAST

well...leave it to the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR to work the system

to her advantage once again after 40 years strong in the biz fer brilliant free promotion of her up-come'n sold out MADAME X TOUR (pre-covid) that will be air'n on NETFLIX in the come'n months...

thanx to Colorado reTRUMPlicunt and spokesman fer fierce cinnamon flavored anal suppositories Ken Buck who had the unmitigated balls to deflect guilt from his mentally deranged orange anal wart client and former SOCIOPATHETIK SACK of EVIL SHIT of the WH by blame'n the likes of MADONNA (though secretly...i was...as i'm sure M herself was bein' gloriously giddy that she got a mention at his 2nd impeachment trial)

thing is...though MADONNA may have mentioned a while back that she thought about "blow'n up" the white house...EVERYONE with a work'n brain cell knew that it was absofuckinglutely hyberbolic jive talk...just like when fire-crack’n comic genius KATHY GRIFFIN's infamous "bloody handbag" of said former SOCIOPATHETIK SACK of EVIL SHIT of the WH marinated in Heinz A1 sauce pic was released...she NEVER ACTUALLY planned on chopp'n off his head 

though i can freely admit...WE ALL FUCK'N THOUGHT of chew'n off his gelatinous filled head like a political prey'n mantis just to shut him the fuck up over the past 4 years...don't lie kittens!

on the other hand...jan 6th was FUCK'N REAL! so can we puhleez get over all these damn fake comparisons already?

and remember these 43 complicit treacherous insurrectionist asswipes in 2022...MAKE THEM PAY dearly at the ballot box! 

i desperately needed to distract from the fact that i'm completely over hear'n and or report'n about that mentally deranged sack of shit any longer so let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time to a much better time

it was the winter of ‘95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in ‘91...when i met my very first Minne-Apple

"friend" off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...

 before all the .com's and grindr's came into production...named Curtis...he was this statuesque blonde...which...unless you were some peroxided pariah like my high school hard on BILLY IDOL or MADONNA...

i normally had zero interest sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room but Curtis had a presence though it only amounted into an occasional slap and tickle from time to time...i was completely hooked on him as recreational entertainment...unfortunately he was also hooked but on other sorta "recreational entertainment" 

that i just couldn't participate in...due to that republican toothpick Nancy in the 80's...gett'n under my skin with her campaign 

it took roughly 2 months to finally find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least part-time anyways) as he was worried about what my reaction would be apparently and he told me i was never to grace the stage though years later...there i was and i would carry that same torch when i met any potential interest...luckily for me though...i don't give two fucks about

other closet cases reactions to it anymore...nonetheless Curtis took me to work one even'n...which at the time felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me (unlike the dilapidated shit hole it's unfortunately become these days) cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter any bar...

and goin from flats to fuck-me-pumps was a HUGE deal (much like me) i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by it on the bus head'n to work and so desperately wanted inside...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my granimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm...i was totally over the moon when he told me he was an actual perform'n illusionist and he could get me in to meet the rest of the performers

my 1st taste and fascination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to bein’ sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey

my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show...his guest that day absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin

Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet) but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation back from the dead cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection! and of course who can forget Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY

i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!

early one morn'n...at roughly around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...

ummm...ya right! "i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye" i recall mutter'n from my narcoleptic nap

well...curiosity killed my meow meow and sure enough...i skampered to the window downstairs and seen this huge ass black stretch monstrosity on wheels wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on my over-sized studded jacket (to give me an impossibly smaller waist than i already had...at the time) and my imitation doc martens and out the door i flew like a humming bird on crack

as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the Minne-Apple...EVER! along with Annie Lennox...Marion...Miles...Curtis and some other gurl (who's name i can't remember at the moment cuz my metamucil martini kicked in) who took me on a tour of the Minne-Apple i'll never ferget

over to that gal's house who was gonna make it after all...then down

 around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop and all 6 beauties got out...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge from the previous hours prior...as me and the limo driver busted our A double snakes off  in the limo laugh'n like mad...a postcard that could'a totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"

2 years later Curtis would surprise me with tickets to see my high school hero perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him and even though it never did transpire i was on cloud 9

BOY's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz some pain in the A double snakes non heterosexual's that couldn't shut their traps

2 years after that...i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most fab cd "CHEAPNESS AND BEAUTY"

and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN" (why not!)

contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock

that's cuz (as the mgr told me) i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...KITTENS...i nearly died!

the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look and

with the A-OK from my dear dear Peetrinella...i could barely contain my urinary track from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener since the tender and supple age of 13 when he sang so eloquently "DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME"

i had purchased 4 tickets total and gave the other 3 away to relatives...all i asked fer in exchange was a bevvy of beverages

i ran into the 90's mgr in the lil wrangler's room of First Avenue...where

BOY was perform'n that nite...and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his molesterary fingers...yea right pervie!

so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage (though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite) that as the BOY started in on his band's anthem & 80's smash "KARMA CHAMELEON"

i proceeded to blow chunks at his feet...

fer all that i don't remember that nite (which was about everything after the bathroom incident) i was completely mortified that my teenage dream received my undie'n appreciation...paid in puke!

it took 3 times...but i would FINALLY meet BOY during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway

and it was a total fluke that we would meet (and no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp. you pervie...but trust me...i'da gone there myself if i was read'n this know'n me)

i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it

and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London’s West End...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time...but i digress!

it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...if i never watched Phil...i never 

would'a been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest (well...again i probably still would'a...but i'm tell'n the story here so sit down and read on) and if i never entered that look-a-like contest and got played by the pimp in the rest rooms at First Avenue...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!

10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky

i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage (though it's been sometime...but don't fret...i'm still very much alive) and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?

then i think he'd just say  "guuuuuuuurl...you look SICK!"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!