NOT SO PLASTIK?...FANTASTIK!

the very moment we take that slip and slide ride down the birth canal to be

greeted by all those annoyingly thunderous goo's and gushes in every nook and cranny from every granny Aiken's to the uncle Orlean's around the planet...we are told we're gett'n old and we as a society will go to whatever extremes to cling onto the past at any and all costs...regardless of the ramifications...unfortunately there is no magic wand nor fountains of youthful elixirs...

that will help turn back time...

to stop yer unfortunate age'n process rott'n corpse from become'n just a mere moment in someone's memory...

BUTT...there are options!

ever since i was a traumatized teenaged terror in a town full of total uptight

tit slinge'n fly trappers and pabst blue ribbon beer guzzle'n balance'n acts that frequented Roy's Little Nashville Bar kitty corner from the block i used to live on in some simple and small minded MN town...i made it my pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe's life's mission not to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen just to pour myself a cup of some damn ambition

though there have been many a queens thru-out the distance of time...

years before MADONNA would become the queen of the dance floor...

BOY was the queen of london...

and FREDDY was the QUEEN of  rock-n-roll...

however...the only queen i truly got to personally know on a one to one

weekly basis...the queen of all clays who was my go-to to give a backhand sammich to father time while clean'n out my pores in that under stated porcelain white tube topped off with her emerald green crown was QUEEN HELENE (however fuck that 33% more market'n scheme cuz it NEVER existed...it was just full of air)

of course this was mainly due to the barrage of magazine market'n and tv

jingles that traumatized our teenage insecurities since we were already the leader of our own personally destructive pity parade of our own personally awkward looks and then there was that one episode of Phil Donahue on skin cancer that didn't help matters

i can remember some years later when i was forced out on my very own 

and started out my career as a beauty school drop-out...my all time fav-o-rit teacher Anna Overland tell'n the class when it came to skin care to always moisturize...moisturize...moisturize then to switch up yer moisturizer every 3 months so yer skin would not get used to a routine much like a gym trainer would tell their client to switch up their work-outs every 3 months so their muscles won't plateau and i've pretty much stuck to that routine weekly fer the past 35+ years...though QUEEN HELENE and me have parted ways years ago thanx to technology

though i would be the worlds worst crack addict...just fer the simple fact  

that i hate needles...if i happen to notice parts of me crack'n as i climbed the ladder of life...i'd search out fer the latest and greatest affordable lotions to help keep father time from tap dance'n around me fer yet another year and fer the most part since i wasn't bake'n like bacon every summer since the 80's...eat'n a pretty clean lifestyle (outside of the occasional dirty throat plunger now and then) and work'n out off and on routinely...i've managed to fool the fools who thought i was a fool fer practice'n this lifestyle and now foolishly they wish they'd had practiced my foolery

however...don't confuse that with me degrade'n yer groom'n habits or choices in life...we ALL make them and we ALL must life by them...i'm not impressed if you think i'm not 50 or if you think i look 150 nor do i care if you think i've had any work done...i own it if i did..I AM in my 50+ check mark box of life now and still more fuck'n fabuless-than-the-goin-rate!

if yer insecurely comfortable use'n yer body as some experimental pin 

 cushion fer the latest botulistic jab putt'n yerself in debt just to make that perfect selfie that'll be ferever lost amongst the garbage piles of social media by next week...i say go fer it...we live in an alternate universe these days and anyways with the millions of downloadable beauty apps available at our finger prints we can all look like a fetus in a wig if we really want to...but don't wig out if you get called out in person...society has conditioned us to think that after the age of 20...florescent light'n IS NOT yer friend...after 30 back light'n IS NOT yer friend...after 40 overhead light'n IS NOT yer friend and once yer in yer golden age you outta just turn off the damn lights all together!

so one afternoon as i was hop scotch'n between all the diabetic paraders 

and fantastic sam hair disasters at some random eye sore mall while wait'n to get financially raped by yet another dipshitt'n dip stick’n mechanic...this adorably confused middle easternish Ariana fanniccino Grande thing stalk'n walkers outside some over priced skin care treatment enclosure try'n desperately to corral them inside had reluctantly put me under his spell by batt'n his butterfly lashes and give'n me a free sample of jack-off hand cream to get me inside to purchase some over priced delusional concoction to turn back time so of course i couldn't resist his ming ring and got all Dale Arden on his bubblicious A double snakes

now flattery at any age is always an ego booster fer anyone regardless

if you know they're lie'n thru their yellow stained meth teeth or not and trust me...he was spread'n it like a hooker would their legs fer a mink and a mansion and once inside his web of deception he pulled out a "new innovative cream" that says will help cure me of my crows feet...

ummmmm excuse...why Blanche...have you gone blind?

now even though my ego needs no booster seat....my ego also needs no 

crows feet kill'n cream since...well...i fortunately have no crow's feet to kill at the present time 

however when the times comes…i will deal with it how i see fit!

seriously...i mean i get the script is yer bread and butter at the moment

till you go home to yer parents basement to smoke a bowl and o.d. on a bag of stale jalapeño dorito's you found stuffed between yer couch cushions then check how many followers you got on yer latest tacky tiktok post and if Charli D'Amelio commented on it at all...but gurrrrrrrl PUHLEEZ...you think i'm SHOOK by suggest'n i need yer shitty over priced syrup sludge to smooth out my face?

i have not and DO NOT marinate in Ernest Borgnine beauty crème once a week fer the past 35 years to look this acceptable

when i finally find a crow leave'n their foot prints in my face i'll deal with it

not cuz society beats me down to put myself in financial ruin...think about it kittens...not everyone can age gracefully...some never get to age at all while some age with absolute grace while others are just full of demented DNA disgrace 

however...that's their choice to live with it so who am i to judge judy them

so with that in mind...GET OFF MY DRESS!

a boy called MARILYN

picture it kittens...35 years ago it was 1987 when 4 saucy gal pals from LA

had everyone contort'n on every corner of the globe pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic with their certified gold single "WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN"

4 sizzle'n blood suck'n boys from Santa Cruz were terrify'n the locals in the supernatural black comedy horror flick "THE LOST BOYS"

while a radioactive jaundice colored comical family of 4 plus baby appeared as cartoon shorts on the "TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW" fer the 1st time cement'n themselves as one of the longest runn'n cartoon series in history

and i decided to take a mental day from the hell of high school to stay home and watch some "MUST SEE' tv at 8 in the morn’n

after doin my usual OCD mark'ns in our tv guide that i'd do religiously on

every sunday nite to record "THE PHIL DONAHUE SHOW" look'n fer the weeks most interest'n topics i couldn't nor shouldn't miss though this particular week since i hadn't turned in any recyclables to purchase a 6 pack of vhs tape to record the program...i hadda play hooky

the house was completely emptied as Joan was off to work and my sibs

were all in school as far as i knew…though who knows...maybe they had take'n their own mental days somewhere else however this particular morn'n the house was completely quite and completely mine to rule so i could soak up the sites and sounds of who was to be the very 1st female impersonator to leave an enormous impression on my bedroom brown eyes of whom i couldn't take my eyes off of...the extraordinarily seductive JIMMY JAMES as MARILYN MONROE and once the hour was up i knew that my life was completely altered forever and would someday with every fiber of my bein'...i myself would become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER that i am known as today by my multiple personalities and my biggest fan i’ve never met yet!

i am way beyond thrilled to introduce the one and only JIMMY JAMES

and humbly honored he took some time outta his busy schedule this week fer a lil pow wow with me to open the eyes of my many kittens around the globe so we can all bathe in his beyond brilliant career

so JIMMY tell me when was the 1st moment you realized you wanted to do a proper MARILYN MONROE impersonation as a profession and how was it recieved by the audiences?

i won by a landslide the halloween costume contest in 1981 at the big popular gay bar known as "SUNSET BOULEVARD" it was a cash prize of $250! 

at the time i was working part-time at The GAP. it would have taken me 3 weeks to earn that much money. the next morning i woke up to count the cash again. i couldn't believe it! the crowd went ballistic for me. i blew kisses as MM and smiled and waved but the clencher was when i asked for the microphone and did an accapella of "happy halloween...to you...happy halloween to you..." the audience erupted all over again. it was that moment that i thought, maybe i have something.

who were some of the biggest influences that influenced you to become the absofuckinglutely fabulous female impersonator that the world and yer hard core fans like myself have come to love over the past 35+ years? 

JIM BAILEY for sure. of course his JUDY GARLAND was brilliant 

but his PHYLLIS DILLER was so chillingly accurate. he's the gold standard for female impersonation, for illusion, for doing the voices, for being a consummate actor

you must have oodles of sensational and salacious stories from meet'n fans and celebrities all around the globe since yer rise as MARILYN appear'n on the DONAHUE show...do you have any stories that come to mind that you'd care to share?

oh god your right, i have tons of stories! various straight men making passes at me that DON'T KNOW i'm actually male...

getting PHIL DONAHUE tongue tied...

getting Geraldo to dance with me as MM on national tv. he was very nice and open minded in the late 80's

i'm sure you met a handful of celebrities durin' yer illustrious career on stage...who were some of the biggest celebrities that you've encountered as MARILYN and how was their reaction?

i opened for EARTHA KITT and GEORGE BURNS. he thought he was seeing a ghost. 

in the 90s i finally met my idol BOY GEORGE when he came to my show in Miami. he wanted my boyfriend! LOL! 

i've hung out with DEBBIE HARRY, GRACE JONES, ANDY BELL from ERASURE, 

i've performed for my idols ELTON JOHN and WHOOPI GOLDBERG! so many magical moments.

 recording a duet with BOY GEORGE. it was never released but it's on YOUTUBE called "LIKE YOU DO"

now let's get down to the nitty gritty and reason fer this chit chat...can you tell my audience the excite'n project yer currently work'n on to cement yer legacy as MARILYN?

we are just beginning (with a GOFUNDME) to transfer aging videos and digitize photographs of me as MM. we are planning a documentary: "THE BOY WHO WAS MARILYN" before we can make the doc we have to make a sizzle reel to pitch the project (a demo reel) we've budgeted $9,000 for archiving about 100 tapes and tons of photos. we have to catalogue everything. i'll be busy all summer doing this. people are NOT ready for the visuals i've hoarded over the years.

what do you think of how drag is now thanx to the popularity of that other queens hit tv series as to when you began perform'n and do you have any fav-o-rits?

RuPaul and the World of Wonder have blown drag up HUGE! GLOBAL! my god what i had to go through when i was doing drag...i could not go beyond a certain level. we tried so hard. 

remember this is when AIDS was rampant. people were afraid and homophobic in many ways. it kept me from playing in theaters. lots of opportunities were not offered to me. i made the best of what i had to work with. the MONEY these girls can make now is mind-blowing!

i say to RU and WOW--CONDRAGULATIONS! you achieved what used to be impossible. they made drag acceptable, fun and mainstream. 

i like alot of the new girls: 1st of all BIANCA DEL RIO is GENIUS! ALYSSA EDWARDS,ALASKA,WILLIAM,RAJA,DELTA,TRIXIE.CHAD MICHAELS,LATRICE,JINX,GINGER MINJ 

& WILLOW PILL who cracked me up with "I HATE PEOPLE" i was late to the class because i was too busy. i didn't know who WILLOW was but when she did that number...i thought ok, THAT has to be the winner--i was right. i'm still singing "I HATE PEOPLE" LOL!! 

my other favorites are old school hags: LADY BUNNY, JACKIE BEAT, JOEY ARIAS, SHERRY VINE...these queens can still amaze and entertain the hell out of you

the last 2 years have really take'n a toll on many performers try'na make a paycheck...what did you do during the covid lockdown?

i did a quick pivot to LIVE LIVING ROOM concerts with my mama Josephine as my sidekick or as she likes to say "costar!" LOL! every thursday evening was a different show. i kept my voice in shape and kept mom busy with something to look forward to. i had a bunch of loyal followers (my tribe) who kept me from going insane and i hope i was able to give back too. i hope i made a difference

you not only sing MM live but you also had a hit under yer skirt with your own song "FASHIONISTA" that has become a drag and nightclub classic globally. it went to the top 10 of the BILLBOARD dance charts. did you write the song?

yup i did. i'm very proud of that! 

it's from my original album "JAMESTOWN" streaming on all platforms...i wrote all the songs. i worked with really good producers. i got over 35 million views on youtube. it still plays in clubs around the world. it gave me a relevance with a whole new audience. i'm very grateful

ok now we've come to the fav-o-rit part of this interview i like to simply call "let's talk about ME fer a change?" basically JIMMY ask me anything you wanna ask me under the rainbow (well except about rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism)

please forgive me for the last question. i need to look you up LOL..

no worries JIMMY...i'm just a simple unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...party of one...that will always be eternally grateful to you fer open'n up my eyes at such an early age and give'n me this mini glimpse into yer amaze'n world and can only hope sometime soon my name will be on the marquee after 25 years in the biz myself!!

i wanna personally thank the breathtake'n JIMMY JAMES aka thee world's greatest MARILYN MONROE impersonator (that's not up fer discussion...this is my interview) so in close'n kittens why not skip those lunch cocktails and that double expresso'd mocha frappe cappuccino latte

and DONATE TO A VERY WORTHY CAUSE before this legendary legacy is lost forever in VHS hell

if yer in the Houston area may 15th and look'n fer a good bang fer yer buck...catch JIMMY JAMES live by gett'n yer tix here before they sell out

if yer in the San Diego area may 20th and don't wanna waste yer covid cash on another town tramp...get yer tix fer JIMMY JAMES live here

if yer a twatter...follow JIMMY on TWITTER here

follow JIMMY on FACEBOOK here

follow JIMMY on INSTAGRAM here

follow JIMMY on YOUTUBE here

now GET OFF MY DRESS!