it's all goin down south

sorry about bein a day late...but it was presidents day after all...

so i did my bast way to honor the ol' bastards

with the award season already in full swing...

i figured it was time to dust off my hernia heels and febreeze my regret in a simple full length blood clot table runner by Issey Miyake...made from 100% pure silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children...notice how the barely exisitant waistline exposes my ample and perky A double snakes

 hey M ain't the only one who can pull it of...you got it...YOU FLAUNT IT!

and since i'm on the subject of M...

though her music has had a bit of an incontinence issue a couple of months back just cuz of some fucktard decided he would rather not pay fer 3 square meals and rent on his own...M blew the competition outta the water at the GRAMMY's last week with that exit!

with the globes over and the 87th annual oscars right around the corner...

i figered it was time to honor those worthy of a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win...and WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the members of ISIS

 the limo's are pull'n up...so let's see who's made the cut this year...

of course leave it to Kanye to make an A double snake of himself...

is anyone surprised really these days?...i'd like to say i'm surprised...

but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore...his baloney has a first name...and it's Kim...hello...mr. narcissist spotlight hog...there's a room all ready fer ya in desperadoville fer you and that Kankersoreus cling'n on to the spotlight

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford

and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer rush'n the stage during BECK's much deserved grammy win...sit yer ass down fool!

wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?

yer so cute and pokeable

wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those yugoslavian children do such 

impeccable work...dont'cha think?...there...now i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?...you'll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?

oops...my bad...it's  presimental winn'n loser Mike Huckabee...

UGH!...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board...and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...the show's about to begin

welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards

tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia...

cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!

let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n

Kim Kankersaurus...
oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to ya kittens...over exposure is not a good thing...oh well...move'n on

and the nominees are :

Floridian republicant senator Marco Rubio...

that i'll even admit under the right mood light'n...is somewhat sorta kinda hot...

 in a Jamie Brewer kinda way...but with alot less brain cells...and no hope fer the Florida's future

fer waste'n time and tax payers benjamins on a very insanely lost battle

hello?...Marco! Polo!...heed some simple advice from Jon Stewart

judges in the greatest banjo bang'n state of cross breed'n...

fer defy'n the law set up by them thar damn yankees in them thar black table clothes... 

eternally constipated chief justice A double snake hole Roy Moore fer not allow'n ANY ALABAMMERS with a chromo-homo-zone the right to marry...even if it's to yer own kin folk

just a hop...skip and moon shine still away...

past thee ol oak tree up on holler crick ridge in Arkansas...where they believe "hangman" is now the politically correct term to use instead of "lynch'n"...to get away from all those unconscionable stereo types of the yester years...by fire'n ya based on yer usage of base...lip gloss and eyeliner

those bed sheet boogie men clowns from Mississippi..

fer gitt'n their testicles in a twist over the equality law passed in their neighbors yard...but really was there EVER a time that they weren't absolute fucktards?

hmmm...politicians and the lack of a good dental plan seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year...oh well what'dya do?...on with the show kittens...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

Mike Huckleberry Finn...fer his real reason'n why non-heterosexuals should not marry

WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...

you make Deputy Cletus seem like a reliable presidential candidate!

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public

and start wave'n it around like some light saber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that don't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their skanky bitches...

take these words of wisdom from the all mighty incontinent crypt keeper himself

and just let it go!

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n

then you should take another guess...

cuz if you think that yer unscathable...

well then...you betta get off my dress!

REBEL at HEART

since the dawn of the new millennium...the music industry has desperately needed a new gimmick and has had more leaks than a June Allison parade

but with a career spann'n across the last 4 decades...

there is no deny'n that thee only QUEEN of the dance floor is... 

MADONNA

though there are those who prey to see M fail at what she does best...

there is no deny'n that M has made it thru the wilderness...she's the patron saint of perseverance and once again...MADONNA will own 2015

with the release of her much anticipated 13th studio album on march 10th...

"REBEL HEART"

M is already back on top once again without even release'n her full album...

thanx to some A-double snake hole poke'n a hole in her project...

but leave it to the QUEEN to always be 2 steps ahead of everyone in the biz...release'n 6 finished trax of the 19 on the album early fer her eager fans...with some of them already shoot'n to #1 in 49 countries

oddly enough...my instant fav's just happen to be all 6 of her songs...

"BITCH I'M MADONNA" 

(feature'n Nicki Minaj)

"GHOST TOWN"

"DEVIL PRAY"

"ILLUMINATI"

 "UNAPOLOGETIC BITCH"

.

M will be perform'n her first single "LIVING FOR LOVE" at the 57th Grammy Awards on feb.8th

so why not reflect on some of her most incredible past live performances :

the entire pimple parade of generation X was glued to their magnovox in 1984 fer M's 1st ever live performance at the 1st ever Mtv Awards sing'n "LIKE A VIRGIN"

 after come'n off  her 2nd world tour in 1990...M went back to 1690...and blew the pre and post pimple parade away once again at the Mtv awards with her smash dance floor staple
"VOGUE" 

marinate'n in Marilyn Monroesque realness fer the 1st time ever perform'n at the Oscars...M slaughtered the competition by sing'n this Sondheim smash from Dick Tracy in 1991
"SOONER OR LATER" 

dressed as Donetella Versace's sexier sister from another mister...M flew across the pond to perform the acid influenced house beat written by icelandic beauty Bjork at the 1995 Brit awards
"BEDTIME STORIES" 

written by Weber and Rice...M graced the Oscar stage once again sing'n like a love struck songbird in this beautifully embroidered Dolce and Gabanna duvet in 1997...belt'n out
 "YOU MUST LOVE ME" 

almost 20 year after her 1st live television award show debut...M proved she still wore the pants in the musical family...by show'n these 2 mickey mouse bitches how it's done at the 2003 Mtv Awards...with a mash-up of
"LIKE A VIRGIN/HOLLYWOOD" 

by 2006...M pulled a Jessica Rabbit outta her brassier and shared the stage with animated rock band Gorillaz...rock'n out with an incredible mashed potato mix of
 "FEEL GOOD INC/HUNG UP"

but the Cleopatra of ALL entrances...that NO ONE could pull off better...include'n Cleopatra herself...was when the QUEEN M herself...was thee half time performance at the 2012 sport'n event involve'n a bunch of guys in tight pants...grabb'n each others balls between their legs...slay'n the competion and destroy'n all previous records as the most watched half time show in history of said event

who knows what the QUEEN has planned fer this years live performance...but you can bet it will be EPIC!

pre-order the latest from the greatest shoWOMAN on earth here

and get off....HOLD UP...this just in...

**********UPDATE**********

it's good to know there is some humanity left in the world...or at the very least...know'n that a good ol' threat of yer anal entrance bein invaded by an army of mongolian piss ants...will make someone think fer just a minute...
perhaps i was bein' just a wee bit harsh in last weeks episode...BUT...

"sometimes Delores...you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive...sometimes...being a bitch is all a woman has to hang onto"

my beloved jacket with all it's not-so-rich history attached to it...

was returned unharmed...without a ransom note nor without battle scars of a bad break-in or break-up...

when i popped into the bar the scene of the crime after catch'n the "I LOVE LUCY" play on fri nite...(ps...between you and me kitten...RICKY and FRED were the only things to talk about...i just think they should'a used the iconic episodes "candy factory" and "vitavegamin"...it just didn't capture me like i wanted it to...but thanx again HB fer the tix)

moocho gra-cious to the staffer or staffee fer keep'n an eye open

thanks to all those that may or may not have participated in the safe return of my jacket

though the candle light vigil was a lot smaller than i had anticipated...it still was a nice gesture...thanx Em 

my very intoxicated friend that even'n has begged to be forgiven...

fer leave'n my precious behind...and it shall be granted here in from this day forward

but i personally wanna thank the bi-polar blow monkey who came to his (or hers...let's be fair) senses and decided they enjoy their A-double snakes to  be invaded by "other" less bite'n things

since there was no name and or address left behind to collect the reward of

a personally autographed photo of thee unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe...

i decided to make a small donation in yer honor at the bar

now get off my dress!