CELEBRIAL BALLSY

much like meth to a flamer past his prime...wrapped in a rainbow glittered

balenciaga blouse from 1998...that they purchased from a bogo sale at some discount designer store in 2008...parade'n around any give'n dance floor on a late friday nite...in any give'n urban metropolitan non heterosexual establishment as some boisterous alcoholic evangilist...while shiny aluminum flakes would dance in unison to the beat of the colored lights rain'n from the ceil'n up above to the popper crusted floor down below...

as CHER's #1 remixed synthesized anthem from the same year the blouse was born (adorned with a fiber optic head dress of course) once again takes over the crowd and commands them to question themselves after sipp'n from the cocktail that their next door dick wrangler they just met in the boys room who conviently slipped a roofie into as it lay all alone on the roof of the urinal they were occupy'n...stare'n into their gin soaked eyes...melodically ask'n them with one satanically raised eyebrow "do you BELIEVE in life after love?" make'n them reminince about how they once were the cream of the crop in their tiny tube top only 10 years earlier...

BUTT of course...

are now just a shattered...sheltered...shitfaced mess try'n to impress anyone that will give them a mere moment of validation on any give'n social media platform durin' this COVID crisis

well...every year as we loose our grip on reality along with our utter mind...

there is ALWAYS gonna be that one meth riddled attention deficit disorder who still thinks everyone is absolfuckinglutely mezmorized by that shirtless pile of steriods in daisey dukes prance'n on top of the center square in the middle of the dance floor flapp'n his neon flags like a sexually starved butterfly amongst the sea of tweeked out STD's...well kittens...insert this years official A.D.D douche rag here

why oh why do i feel like i'm completely forced into write'n about this shit?

i know this is just a C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E distraction that WILL NEVER come

to fruition...only cuz of their abysmal rate'ns...much like their morals...have been tank'n like the titanic...i mean seriously? as if even thee most drug induced coma would warrant such legitimacy...seen as how he's pretty late at gett'n his name in the ring fer the runn'n anyways to validate himself as bein' completely serious

don’t even get me started on his “runn'n on the birthday party“ ticket...

the only birthday party i’m interested in vote’n for involves cake & some killer clowns stripp'n to that hokey pokey circus theme and make'n balloon animals...PERIOD!

and of course no campaign would be complete without a limited edition

fragrance that smells like vanilla bean...sandlewood and urine...sold exclusively at wal-mart and the dollar store or by click'n the link in their insta bio fer a $5 sample...why not!

it's a good thing to that KW received that PPP small biz loan to help bail 

out his "billion dollar" brand so he can finally begin production on their new ego riddled mega shithole in Wyoming as presumably the new WH shithole...should he make it to the finish line of course (insert laugh here)

PUHLEEZ...we all can recall how Miss Kankersoredashian desperately 

needed that 2 part "wedd'n" fiasco just to keep those brain dead couch potatoes from jump'n ship from her brand not too long ago...can't we?

do you really wanna waste even an attempt to comptemplate a vote fer 

someone who believes "slavery was a choice 400 years ago"

or someone that has ties to some over payed CASPER crusader that is competely anti LGBTXYZPDQ
(i'm sorry...i didn't miss anyone?)

i'll put down 100 to 1 odds that this is ALL just a publicity ploy to help out

his flail'n popularity that he hasn't experienced ever since he rapped on the QUEEN's dance floor hit "BEAT GOES ON" (w/ PHARRELL WILLIAMS) from 2008's smash album and tour fer "HARD CANDY" 

and to help out that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik lie'n corrupt orange anal warted sow by splitt'n the black vote from Biden...period!

that is it!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!

it's all goin down south

sorry about bein a day late...but it was presidents day after all...

so i did my bast way to honor the ol' bastards

with the award season already in full swing...

i figured it was time to dust off my hernia heels and febreeze my regret in a simple full length blood clot table runner by Issey Miyake...made from 100% pure silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children...notice how the barely exisitant waistline exposes my ample and perky A double snakes

 hey M ain't the only one who can pull it of...you got it...YOU FLAUNT IT!

and since i'm on the subject of M...

though her music has had a bit of an incontinence issue a couple of months back just cuz of some fucktard decided he would rather not pay fer 3 square meals and rent on his own...M blew the competition outta the water at the GRAMMY's last week with that exit!

with the globes over and the 87th annual oscars right around the corner...

i figered it was time to honor those worthy of a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win...and WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the members of ISIS

 the limo's are pull'n up...so let's see who's made the cut this year...

of course leave it to Kanye to make an A double snake of himself...

is anyone surprised really these days?...i'd like to say i'm surprised...

but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore...his baloney has a first name...and it's Kim...hello...mr. narcissist spotlight hog...there's a room all ready fer ya in desperadoville fer you and that Kankersoreus cling'n on to the spotlight

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford

and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer rush'n the stage during BECK's much deserved grammy win...sit yer ass down fool!

wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?

yer so cute and pokeable

wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those yugoslavian children do such 

impeccable work...dont'cha think?...there...now i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?...you'll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?

oops...my bad...it's  presimental winn'n loser Mike Huckabee...

UGH!...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board...and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...the show's about to begin

welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards

tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia...

cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!

let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n

Kim Kankersaurus...
oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to ya kittens...over exposure is not a good thing...oh well...move'n on

and the nominees are :

Floridian republicant senator Marco Rubio...

that i'll even admit under the right mood light'n...is somewhat sorta kinda hot...

 in a Jamie Brewer kinda way...but with alot less brain cells...and no hope fer the Florida's future

fer waste'n time and tax payers benjamins on a very insanely lost battle

hello?...Marco! Polo!...heed some simple advice from Jon Stewart

judges in the greatest banjo bang'n state of cross breed'n...

fer defy'n the law set up by them thar damn yankees in them thar black table clothes... 

eternally constipated chief justice A double snake hole Roy Moore fer not allow'n ANY ALABAMMERS with a chromo-homo-zone the right to marry...even if it's to yer own kin folk

just a hop...skip and moon shine still away...

past thee ol oak tree up on holler crick ridge in Arkansas...where they believe "hangman" is now the politically correct term to use instead of "lynch'n"...to get away from all those unconscionable stereo types of the yester years...by fire'n ya based on yer usage of base...lip gloss and eyeliner

those bed sheet boogie men clowns from Mississippi..

fer gitt'n their testicles in a twist over the equality law passed in their neighbors yard...but really was there EVER a time that they weren't absolute fucktards?

hmmm...politicians and the lack of a good dental plan seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year...oh well what'dya do?...on with the show kittens...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

Mike Huckleberry Finn...fer his real reason'n why non-heterosexuals should not marry

WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...

you make Deputy Cletus seem like a reliable presidential candidate!

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public

and start wave'n it around like some light saber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that don't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their skanky bitches...

take these words of wisdom from the all mighty incontinent crypt keeper himself

and just let it go!

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n

then you should take another guess...

cuz if you think that yer unscathable...

well then...you betta get off my dress!

what is a relationship?

who in the H-E double hockey stix says we need one to feel any worth these days? i wanna know who out there is make’n all us single ladies...
and not-so-gentle laydee's...feel shitty about ourselves all over again?

the agenda isn't beauty or ugliness…that’s…all your idea!

a mutual friend a reason not only that abortion should be legal...

but mandatory in some cases...was whine'n recently about how they were have'n a hard time bein' able to find their (insert vomit bucket here)
"soul mate"

history has proven that they never really work out...for example…

David…a simple israelite in a tunic and berkinstock sandals…aaaaand...

Goliath was about as str8 act’n and appear’n as a gigantic water buffalo

in manolo blahniks with a chip on her shoulders the size of Kanye West's ego

unable to confess his true love to David...cuz society deemed it to be...

"unnatural" and "immoral"...so Goliath made fun of David’s peeps...until one day David went all Lorena Bobbitt on his A double snakes...

and chopped of Goliath's head...or so we’re lead to believe 

the very foundation that showed the true mean'n of holy matrimony...

was rocked to it's core recently...when Mama June announced her split from Sugar Bear...

after catch'n Sugar Bear tea bagg'n his lucky charms on Captain Crunch...allegedly

though it may be just a typical rate'n ploy fer the brain dead sodomites...

that hang onto every word of her existence fer dear life...much like her elastic waste band...well kittens...it's left poor Mama knee deep in Georgian grief and practically put her in a creme puff coma

get this...if you tell someone your “widowed”...

they tell you to either pop a prozac like a normal person or simply…

kill yourself!

but if you tell someone you’re a "divorcee"…

well…that’s just tell’n em there’s a party in yer pants and there ain't no cover charge!

i myself have even dabbled in a relationship from time to time…

fer the right dime...my longest last'n almost 4 years…i remember it as if it were yesterday…

he used to affectionately refer to me as his "wonderboy"…

always wonder'n what deliciousness i'd have cooked up for us next

and i would in turn...affectionately refer to him as my...

heart-break'n-two-time'n-cock-suck'n-ass-fuck'n-pig-slut'n-trailer-trash-piece-of-geriatric shit who could run a boat show thru his a-hole...unfortunately...he's dance'n with the devil in the pale moon light these days...so suffice it to say...learn from yer mistakes and hold no grudge

if you truly feel that revenge really is alot better than christmas...

may i suggest a lot less invasive...but alot more persuasive approach...by simply give'n yer hairy bear...a deep full body massage based on swedish techniques (which means absolutely nothing i know)...from head to toe...with botanically infused creams to disguise the harsh chemicals...let them marinate in it beyond the recommended time frame...before dump'n their pathetic ass once you find out they strayed with some slut...it'll make them think twice once they get outta the shower...trust me

or perhaps fill'n out a year's subscription to multiple women's magazines to mess with their masculinity...but make sure to X out the "bill me later" option...so you have enough time to change area codes

go ahead...be creative and committed when end'n yer commitment though...but and try not to pull a Farrah...if you can help it...it doesn't really look good on yer relationship resume

i've done my fair share of the "scary"…the "mary"…and the delusionally "str8 act'n and appear'n" charitable acts of the week ever since then

i've marched along side the pity parade of pansies…

most of them being either emotionally unavailable…

blatantly socially retarded...

or chemically dependent!

human nature can be so cruel!

i've never really understood this breed of "boys"...

whether it be in the bedroom or on a bored walk...trust me kitten...ya ain't fool'n no one…you might "act" all Colin Farrell on the streets...but yer the 1st ones who've got their legs stapled to the ceil'n when we hit the sheets...before i can even get the front door shut...get off yer huffy bike and deal with it mister sister…you know who you are

i’ve cancelled my subscription to those "issue" years ago…

let's leave the "act'n" to the professionals...shall we?

even though i think about of all those who haven't come fer me yet...i still reminisce about all of those who've came before me…after all we've been thru a lot together and cuz i'm much bigger than hold'n onto any grudge

trust me…much BIGGER!

and though i'd like to get banged like a screen door in a tornado…

these days…i’m looking more for someone intelligent enough to chant my name...

while jump’n off a cliff

i'm not suggest'n in the slightest that relationships are bad...but don't start whine'n at the top of yer lungs when things don't go yer way...i'm merely point'n out the fact that you don't need one...to make yerself worthless...

 you'll doin a fine job at it on yer own

i believe Miss Bernhard said it best when she said...

"don’t let anyone fuck you over…fuck them over FIRST!...FUCK THEM UP!"

now if you wouldn't mind...time fer me to soak

in some jean nate' after bath body splash...

with cool cumber slices blanket'n my eyes...

so kindly get off my dress!