Monday, January 19, 2015

PORN STAR

how can i say this delicately?...ummm...i cant...so i'm just gonna say it....
SOME PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N ASSHOLE FUCKTARDS!

i was enjoy'n a perfectly slightly intoxicate'n nite out with a non sexual friend of mine this past weekend...when i ran into another...perhaps maybe...a sexual friend down the road when there's nothing better to do...and we decided to hit the dance floor and show the instant oatmeal generation...
how it's done...as we were gett'n hot and heavy into the beat of the thump'n music under the pulsate'n lights...i removed my dignity winter jacket that i have cherished for over 20 years and gave it to my non sexual friend to hold on to...
well after 10 or so minutes...i was done sweat'n it out and ready to bounce...and sure enough...so did my non sexual friend apparently...so i found a ride home assume'n he was kind enough to bring my prized jacket home with him and i would get it the next day or so...or so i thought...
when he texted me the follow'n day say'n he didn't have it...I LOST IT...and drank a whole 6 pack of blueberry flavored red bull to calm my nerves...but seriously...i needed to be sedated

ultimately i know it is MY responsibility to look after MY own shit...so seriously...save the speeches...but that don't give SOME ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N ASSHOLE FUCKTARD or TARDESS the right to own a part of my history...just so they can look "cool"
so i did what ANY insane unrational person would do in a situation like this....

i contacted the local bar i was at that fateful nite...and once i had alerted the staff at the bar in question...

i then proceeded to contact the police...

the FBI...

the CIA...

the CSI...

DOG the BOUNTY HUNTER...

JESSICA FLETCHER...

Pizza LUCE' 
(hey this is hard work...i needed to keep my strength up)

set up an all point's bulletin for the tri-state area...called in an amber alert...
but apparently i couldn't do that...well cuz an actual child had to have been wear'n it at the time...i faxed the airport fer any out bound flights leave'n the country with my precious jacket

and mobilized the troops!

here are the only pictures in existence to this ancient early 90's artifact...
(my very dear friend PEETRINELLA is to the left...me in said stolen jacket is to the right)
notice how the jacket just sets off the entire look...without the jacket...my "cool" factor is completely kaput!

this is the last known picture take'n by my friend on that fateful nite...
as i went to the lil wrangler's room to powder my nose...thankfully he was stare'n at my hot bubble A double snakes that i worked hard on fer the past 6 years...in the back of the jacket in bold letters across the bottom says "PORN STAR"...hey ya did 10 movies...ya got a free coat...
(insert proverbial comic relief here)
 above that font is a blue circle...and inside said circle is a red star and inside said star is a silhouette of a presumably nekid woman

imagine if you will...
Linus without his blanket...

Pee Wee without his bike...

Magnum without his mustache!

IT JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE!

i am a very rational and forgive'n person and i would hope the person or persons involved in this heinous jacketnapp'n would do the right thing after they realized it doesn't fit them at all and simply return it to the SALOON bar manager or staff...no questions asked and trust me all will be fergiven

but if you decide you just can't bare to part with said jacket...
i will put a curse on you fer every minute you are still roam'n this earth...
and hope an army of mongolian piss ants invade yer anal entrance...cause'n you thee most unimaginable bowel movements you've ever experienced

i've put a call into the White House...and i'm almost 100% not positive...
OBAMA will be add'n this into his state of the union speech...
(cross yer fingers...how cool huh?)

even the QUEEN has decided to lower the flag at buckingham palace at half mast

i am plead'n with my legions of kittens all around the world...if you ever wanted to find a reason to protest fer the injustice that has happened in this mad world...especially cuz it has happened TO ME...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...
THIS IS IT!!!
stand up in unity...contacted yer congressmen...call yer clergymen...
a simple candle light vigil would show you cared...
and perhaps CELINE DION could break down and weep while sing'n some sorrowful hymn

seriously...you don't want me to contact the gay mafia...
it won't end pretty!

ANYONE with ANY information about my jacket...pleez contact me @

email: irisheyes3313@yahoo.com
FB: MATTRESS FEVER
or share yer suspicions in the comment section below
(you can remain anonymous and enter to win a framed autographed picture of the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe fer the office...gym locker...wallet or boudoir)

now find MY JACKET and get off my dress!

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