TELEPHONE pt.3

there are many scary ass shit situations in life at one point or another

that we've all suffered thru...why...just the undeniable fact that yer still read'n me after all these years is a complete and total testament to yer unmitigated torture in itself just like when that tooth picked teenaged terror with telekinesis who torched her class mates just cuz she didn't "plug it up" in 1976  (kittens...you should never fuck with the quiet ones...trust me!) 

stand'n in line behind one of those "i wanna speak to the manager" anti vaxx'n cuntaroo's at the neighborhood piggy wiggly pharmaceutical counter while yer just try'n to pay fer yer antibiotics to clear up that burn'n sensation you've left unchecked fer 3 months

find'n out you drank one too many bang-cock bangers at yer kids PTA meet'n with the principle at that motel 6 in the next county over

with the holiglaze seasoning in full swing...fuck the football torture when 

the fam comes over to mooch off all yer mashed potatoes...cranberried slosh and whatever fix'ns yer fix'n to fix up this year...staple their A double snakes down to the davenport and hot glue their eyelids to their eyebrows and force 'em to watch what is sure to sweep the viewer's choice fer the Razzies at next years award show

       click here fer pt 1      click here fer pt 2         

if yer look'n fer an homage to those tacky classic 80's chiller thrillers

of the yester years then look no further cuz trust me when i say how utterly shocked i was when i was left a message on my answer'n machine outta the blue one even'n return'n home after a strenuous day at the park try'na sell tickets to my nervous breakdown from none other than NY's finest colostomitic critic GENE SHALIT who left me a few comfort'n words after preview'n an unauthorized copy of my latest tale of terror on Grindr

"some films could have only been cast in one way...screen tests were given and the loser got the part...it's a piercing film and that's the critics corner for this morning" (and that is a direct quote) 

BUTT that ain't all...

he also informed me that i had indeed won the award fer best dramatic migraine from a motion picture short...in history...awwwww...i'm in utter awe...that's like a compliment i'll remember fer as long as i can!

of course i I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y put pen to paper to write my gracious

and heartless acceptance speech...i wanted to of course come off as inappropriately thankful and utterly humbled as possible "i'd like to thank all the lil people along the way…however…i don't do anything under 8 inches any more" i ask you...was that too ungratefully honest?

i'm so ever grateful fer the special appearance in my chiller thriller debut 

with my LEE's...i searched dollar stores all over MN from Dakota to Dodge Center til i found the absolute perfect 80's clitorectomy length and fer just the right shade of cold blooded killer polish

SPIELBERG...SCORSESE and BURTON are obviously kick'n themselves

at this point that they had passed on this glorious opportunity to further expose their minimal career and more importantly MEEEEE...however...i am a very forgive'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe... 

ergo...call me guys...i'm wait'n in!

with that in mind i wanna thank my absofuckinglutely beyond brilliant  

visionary director TONY LARSON fer see'n my colossal potential as box office poison and look forward to ruin'n the sequels "FLIP PHONE" and "CELL PHONE" in the near future

i also wanna give a soft clap to the makers of Swanson's potpies...all the caterers at PIGGLY WIGGLY (please contact yer local PIGGLY WIGGLY in yer area fer all yer cater'n needs) and of course no one else but ME!

click here if you'd like to actually loose 15 of the most downright precious pain stake'n minutes of yer life courtesy of my uncanned Shakespearean abilities 

though i beg of you…no scratch that…i mean i implore you to hold off on yer generous reviews…we didn’t have any more money in the budget fer another continuity person…well cuz i shot the first one that we had by accident…in the eye! (luckily i still had some penicillin left over in my prada)

what?…too soon?…sue me!

hope i've give'n you a good enough reason to buy bulk in bufferin

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt. 1

with the cool'n of the atmosphere and the leaves fall'n faster than most

of my morals these days...it's that time of the year once again to pull out those flannel culottes...dust off that heavy duty duvet and clean yer damn cum stained curtains kitten...i mean come on (me) the neighbors are start'n to notice...show some fuck'n decorum!

i'd love to marinate in what you've been up to all year so far with a hot 

cuppa spiced spider cider and a plate full of who really gives a shit cookies that know ones eat'n accepted yer dwindle'n social media fan base...however...i've been far too busy to acknowledge anyone's existence fer the past month and a half as i have been dipp'n my delicate lil piggies that went to the market back in front of my dimly lit spotlight fer the emotionless picture academy

of course you must know by now that this ain't my first time into the foray 

of film cuz as you'll recall i made my feature debut in 1998 as the mute club kid with the aqua blue hair in the cinematic catastrophe called "HOMO HEIGHTS" 

starr'n beloved...though since deceased...colostomy bagger QUENTIN CRISP and pre OITNB deliciously funny bull dyke LEA DELARIA and from that role i sprang a leak into some bands video in 1999 that i never knew who they were to this very day though i did get paid $50 to keep my clothes on fer a change (so that was nice)

of course there was that "blue" movie in 1991 to offset that cost of my rent 10 years later

BUTT that's it!

nonetheless with the most hallowed of seasons upon us the industries all 

abuzz with the latest homage to all those cheezy whizzed 80's B chiller thrillers from the yester years such as classics like  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME" "SLEEPAWAY CAMP" and "CHOPPING MALL" among many many other eyesore productions

fuck keep'n up with the kankersoredashians...try keep'n up with the very

latest installment in this tittilate'n traumatized tale of terror…the cinematic eyesore  "TELEPHONE"

now this top secret script had never been circulate'n around hollyweird fer 

any amount of time to any of the lead'n directors like SPIELBERG...SCORSESE or BURTON...well cuz that restrain'n order was still in effect ever since i thumbed that ride in 2013 to hollyweird and was picked up... 

by hot to trot actor of the "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS" franchise PAUL WALKER one breezy wednesday afternoon along the 101 and made him drop me off at the dollar general to get some prophylactic's in Valencia and after that it's anyone's guess what happened

the script would finally and meticulously be extracted outta the circular  

 trash bins behind the piggly wiggly in the Minne-Apple by the magical mastermind responsible fer such oscar meyer wiener winner classics like 2010's "MOMMIE QUEEREST" where the lead actress KRYSTAL KLEER would suffer from a brilliant case of pink eye durin' film'n with subtle dark facial syndrome (where only a vat of petroleum jelly smothered on the lens could make it even socially viewable) along with itchy unmentionable's (who won't be mentioned) yet she managed to pull off an award whine'n performance as the down and out catastrophic CHRISTINA CRAWFISH

followed up 2 years later in 2012 with the hard hitt'n often brutally pathetic documentary "KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY" 

brought to you by brilliantly talented director of the Minne-Apple’s WONDER ROOM productions...TONY LARSON who had a premonition and wanted to utilize the best in the biz to bring this mashed potato masterpiece to fruition

though industry insiders spilled the beans on the many very high profile

actresses that had auditioned fer the coveted lead role as the anti age'n low class harlet in high heels "KRYSTAL" thru-out the covid summer of 2020 include'n Oscar winn'n A-listeriners like MERYL...JULIANNE and GLENN

(A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y that i heard thru a 3rd party)

who apparently thinks LINDA LAVIN gave them up fer adoption when she landed the title role as ALICE HYATT in the hit 70's sitcom "ALICE" (however i cannot confirm nor deny these allegations at this present time via my lawyer's instructions)

even south of the border hot tamale chica MARIA ROSARIO PILLAR MARTINEZ MOLINA BAEZA (otherwise known simply as CHARO) came to the audition with her gucci pucci knee pads in her Prada purse like a true professional but she refused to get vaxxed so she got axed!

ultimately the risky role would go to thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

 i mean...when you think about it...the lead character is named completely after me and is loosely based on my delusional mind anyways so how apropos is that? though the director reiterated explicitly and unfortunately emphatically that there would be no need fer the cast'n couch interview nor would there ever be one warranted in any way shape or form durin' the production of this epic psychological chiller thriller (great...i bought all those unused anti biotic syringes from that shady salesman in the park fer nothing) such is life!

tune in next week fer behind the scenes & an exclusive sit down interview 

with the one and only KRYSTAL KLEER...now GET OFF MY DRESS!