of my morals these days...it's that time of the year once again to pull out those flannel culottes...dust off that heavy duty duvet and clean yer damn cum stained curtains kitten...i mean come on (me) the neighbors are start'n to notice...show some fuck'n decorum!
i'd love to marinate in what you've been up to all year so far with a hot
cuppa spiced spider cider and a plate full of who really gives a shit cookies that know ones eat'n accepted yer dwindle'n social media fan base...however...i've been far too busy to acknowledge anyone's existence fer the past month and a half as i have been dipp'n my delicate lil piggies that went to the market back in front of my dimly lit spotlight fer the emotionless picture academy
of course you must know by now that this ain't my first time into the foray
of film cuz as you'll recall i made my feature debut in 1998 as the mute club kid with the aqua blue hair in the cinematic catastrophe called "HOMO HEIGHTS"
starr'n beloved...though since deceased...colostomy bagger QUENTIN CRISP and pre OITNB deliciously funny bull dyke LEA DELARIA and from that role i sprang a leak into some bands video in 1999 that i never knew who they were to this very day though i did get paid $50 to keep my clothes on fer a change (so that was nice)
of course there was that "blue" movie in 1991 to offset that cost of my rent 10 years later
BUTT that's it!
nonetheless with the most hallowed of seasons upon us the industries all
abuzz with the latest homage to all those cheezy whizzed 80's B chiller thrillers from the yester years such as classics like "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME" "SLEEPAWAY CAMP" and "CHOPPING MALL" among many many other eyesore productions
fuck keep'n up with the kankersoredashians...try keep'n up with the very
latest installment in this tittilate'n traumatized tale of terror…the cinematic eyesore "TELEPHONE"
now this top secret script had never been circulate'n around hollyweird fer
any amount of time to any of the lead'n directors like SPIELBERG...SCORSESE or BURTON...well cuz that restrain'n order was still in effect ever since i thumbed that ride in 2013 to hollyweird and was picked up...
by hot to trot actor of the "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS" franchise PAUL WALKER one breezy wednesday afternoon along the 101 and made him drop me off at the dollar general to get some prophylactic's in Valencia and after that it's anyone's guess what happened
the script would finally and meticulously be extracted outta the circular
trash bins behind the piggly wiggly in the Minne-Apple by the magical mastermind responsible fer such oscar meyer wiener winner classics like 2010's "MOMMIE QUEEREST" where the lead actress KRYSTAL KLEER would suffer from a brilliant case of pink eye durin' film'n with subtle dark facial syndrome (where only a vat of petroleum jelly smothered on the lens could make it even socially viewable) along with itchy unmentionable's (who won't be mentioned) yet she managed to pull off an award whine'n performance as the down and out catastrophic CHRISTINA CRAWFISH
followed up 2 years later in 2012 with the hard hitt'n often brutally pathetic documentary "KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY"
brought to you by brilliantly talented director of the Minne-Apple’s WONDER ROOM productions...TONY LARSON who had a premonition and wanted to utilize the best in the biz to bring this mashed potato masterpiece to fruition
though industry insiders spilled the beans on the many very high profile
actresses that had auditioned fer the coveted lead role as the anti age'n low class harlet in high heels "KRYSTAL" thru-out the covid summer of 2020 include'n Oscar winn'n A-listeriners like MERYL...JULIANNE and GLENN
(A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y that i heard thru a 3rd party)
who apparently thinks LINDA LAVIN gave them up fer adoption when she landed the title role as ALICE HYATT in the hit 70's sitcom "ALICE" (however i cannot confirm nor deny these allegations at this present time via my lawyer's instructions)
even south of the border hot tamale chica MARIA ROSARIO PILLAR MARTINEZ MOLINA BAEZA (otherwise known simply as CHARO) came to the audition with her gucci pucci knee pads in her Prada purse like a true professional but she refused to get vaxxed so she got axed!
ultimately the risky role would go to thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe KRYSTAL KLEER
i mean...when you think about it...the lead character is named completely after me and is loosely based on my delusional mind anyways so how apropos is that? though the director reiterated explicitly and unfortunately emphatically that there would be no need fer the cast'n couch interview nor would there ever be one warranted in any way shape or form durin' the production of this epic psychological chiller thriller (great...i bought all those unused anti biotic syringes from that shady salesman in the park fer nothing) such is life!
tune in next week fer behind the scenes & an exclusive sit down interview
with the one and only KRYSTAL KLEER...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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