MISERY LOVES COMPANY pt. 2

picture it kittens...it's 1979 and 3 20 somethin's  that included 2 maxi pads 

with one hunky non throat plunge'n culinary horny toad who H-A-D-D-A pretend he was a tulip sniff'n throat plunge'n penny loafer in able to cohabitate with his 2 roomies (since mixed gender live'n was a no-no by the landlord) or suffer the fate of sleep'n in the confines of the YMCA which was the #1 hit comedy on everyone's magnavox that year

my aunt Ellen had take'n me fer a weekend sleepover in Austin, MN to her bf Rollie at the time and that nites feature after a mac-n-cheese dinner was the reason why i...to this very day...will never be caught stepp'n a foot on a cruise in any ocean

and a talented neon yellow 8 foot 2 inch anthropomorphic bird who could roller skate...write poetry and sing among many other talents had dominated the morn'n airwaves fer 10 strong years advise'n the lil kittens across the globe the proper application of base...lip gloss and eyeliner...how to get outta sticky situations and a bunch of other shit

who recently pushed the buttons and pissed off the void of humanity and cancun escape'n repuglicunt from texas over of all things...keep'n people safe!

and now...back to the shit show (click here fer pt. 1)

by now...as i settled down into his leather lazyboy...the son...of course...

kept walk'n in and out of the movie...while Miss Hathaway kept belch'n away with her Budweiser (i know...pretty huh...in a can WITH NO CUZY...i'm mean really WTF?) and pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic on the couch like he was gett'n ready to spawn

the second time...he (the son) came down with just a pair of shorts and a

wife beater on...well...i did all i could to concentrate on the movie and not wish i was 20 years old again (though if genetics plays any part into that kids future...he better snag on to someone quick before gravity smacks the shit outta him)

of course i could easily tell McDrunk was nervous as hell half way thru the 

movie why the hell wouldn't he be...he's got a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in his presence cuz about every 20 minutes he would say to me..."you won't hurt my feel'ns if you wanna leave now...i can tell by your body language i know i'm not your type" (and that is a direct quote)

why? just cuz i was sitt'n there on his tacky leather Wickes close-out chair 

from 1995...look'n like i was wheeled in like Hannibal Lector with face mask and a strappy jacket on...hey...who ever said charity didn't come with a price?

i did all i could from tell'n him to shut the F up cuz i was try'n my best to  

concentrate on the movie that i'd seen like 1000 times before in complete silence and wanted to see it 1001 times in complete silence

i made it thru this movie without look'n at him once for if i did...i was afraid 

i would turn into granite and graciously said thanx for the invite to his spiderweb...i mean...humble abode

as he walked me down the steps...and out the door...the stench of costco 

and glade marination was but just a distant memory and as i drove off into the bleak bitter blizzard nite...i realized one thing...i'm 40 and i still have a pulse! so if anyone thinks i'll be mainline'n a relationship anytime soon...for the sake of a relationship cuz of my biological clock...ain't happen'n anytime soon!!

i don't need to dip into the desperado pool...just yet...my hand ain't broken

besides everything works out for the best in the end for me anyways however wouldn't ya know it though...i wake up the next morn'n to 2 messages from him...one beginn'n at 11:47 pm say'n he had a great time watch'n the movie with me and wanted to be "friends" (apparently he was have'n an outer body experience last nite) then a drunker message at 1:34 in the am hour tell'n me it's ok...he said his son talked to me on the same phone line a while back and wasn't gonna hang out with someone that talks to his son as well! 

WTF??? GET OFF MY DRESS!

CHILLY DECEPTION

everyone of us could use a lil help during these try'n times don'tcha think?

what...with old mister snow miser doin his best fuck'n fancy Fred Astaire tap dance'n bullshit thru-out the entire country this past week…from the north to the south…west coast to the east coast…it was more than enough to make anyone feel like a frozen bag of birds eye peas

i myself felt the brunt of old man winter wake'n up to icicles hang'n off my 

barely there eyebrows in my humble lil garden level shitbox at the begin'n of the week that i practically felt like Solo encased in carbonite til my landlord finally dropped off materials so i could saran wrap the hell outta my windows and cut the chill in half then i just scraped off the loose asbestos cling'n to life on the boiler and jammed it between my toes and slipped into my recycled kleenex boxes fer slippers

BUTT…that ain't the worst

the south took an awful beat'n like they were pop sensation Rhianna and

forced to date Chris Brown again...unfortunately the worst end of the fist ended up give'n a good left then right hook to Yosemite Sam's back yard...have'n a root'n toot'n time of it all thru out the entire state... 

leave'n millions of Jack's and jack-off's without power or a peaceful nights sleep

however...no one had suffered the worst of this very surprise blizzard than 

state senator and Star Search's very own anal suppository spokesmodel...Rafael Edward Cruz...who had had enough of live'n in his walk-in freezer so thank CHER fer his quick think'n pooch Snowflake who noticed the pierce'n sub-zero predicament he was in and booked Teddy and his pedigree an all inclusive vaca to bask and bake under the sizzle’n sun and sand…suck'n sangria's on the beautiful beaches of Cancun Mexico for the week while Snowflake decided to stay behind and tend to the natural disaster destroy'n the state's infrastructure and defend their castle from all terrorists foreign and domestic...

seriously though...we all know that Snowflake had an ulterrier motive to have the family removed from the premisses fer the week!

unfortunately...that bloated bunny was busted while try'n to escape the chill

at the airport…then tenaciously tried tap dance'n his way outta the web he weaved by tell'n the press that he was just a father who had to travel 1300 miles to find run's water…heat and electricity like any heroic father who cared for his daughters would...after of course throw'n his offsprings under the bus claim'n they asked Snowflake to book them the vacation getaway first and that he was plann'n on take'n the next plane back to the states to get down to the biz as to how this disastrous disaster was able to happen on his watch once they made it to the hotel safely

ummm...if #TedFled was the captain of the titanic...the unsinkable Molly Brown would most likely have been fed to the fish...guaranteed!

and don’t miss his directorial debut in the blockbuster hit of the next election cycle loosely based on actual events...Ted stars as the bloated slither’n anal wart who does his damnedest to flee the frigid temps of texas in the dead of nite to cross the border by use’n his own daughters at political shields to save his sorry ass!

and if that wasn't enough fer Fleddy Teddy to contend with…on top of all

that…one of his fav-o-rit support ho's and Francis Buxton's dopplegagger/slobber'n mouthpiece for misogyny towards women that has infected the GOP party slowly but effectively since the late 80's who made his bread and butter as thee most sadistic smarmy salamander to strike the airwaves with his blatant vile vulgarities towards xenophobia and racism…a drug addled slug who rejoiced by doin the boot skoot and boogie live on the air to the latest disco hits every time a non heterosexual would succumb to AIDS or AIDS adjacent illnesses

took his final last dance with the devil days before all the shit hit his fan page!

now there might be those kittens out there that would say that regardless of

Limburger's atrocious antics…viral viciousness and schlocky rhetoric that has caused callousness thru-out the country for 30 plus years…he still had 4 wives and a family that loved him dearly (insert sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain gods here) and that i outta be a wee bit more sensitive in his pass'n…i reflected on that thought for a moment and thought if his brothel of wives & his own family never spoke against him all these years...they are just as fuck’n vile...twisted and guilty as him...

then it hit me…late great screen goodness BETTE DAVIS had once spoke the most poignant yet comfort'n words of her dear friend JOAN CRAWFORD upon her death

"you should never say bad things about the dead…only good…Rush Limbaugh is DEAD…GOOD!"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

the 3 pias little pigs

we all remember that cute lil story about those 3 lil pigs...

and the big bad wolf who tried to huff and puff and bloooow 'em down

unfortunately...that silly lil story has gotten warped and retold...

now these 3 lil pigs and the big bad wolf have infiltrated and indoctrinated the masses who sit on their asses as cheap entertainment these days

but just like any hollyweird remake...the story is bein' retold once again...

this time around though...with these 3 political GOP pigs...give'n it a much much more darker and devious twist than the original version...the only problem we got here though is that these pigs are in it to win it...

with a lil help from this big bad diabolically warped wolf...who apparently has a fetish fer feces

lemme back it up a bit...so the other weekend while the clear...

and completely coherent and conscious winn'n party consist'n of Hills...Marty and the Bernmiester were duke'n it out over the really issues at hand in South Carolina...

these 3 dastardly GOP gimps decided to show their beady lil eyes and shake their pointless pointersin Des Moines Iowa at the National Religious Liberties Convention the Crusaders United Not Take'n Salvation (fer granted) also known as the Fucktards fer Freedom against humanity

led by this absolutely unapologetic ass wipe...pastor fanatical fucktwat Kevin Swanson...preach'n to his fucked flock who decided to attend his sermon...lett'n them know..."it's not a gay time" practically incoherently...and that under no circumstances "don't you dare carve happy faces on open pussy sores"

now here's the thing kittens...though Kev and his congregants have every right to say and listen to whatever bullshit they want to adhere to...to feel complete in their twisted warped little world they've created fer themselves

all cuz of some comic book passages they CHOSE to interpret into their own agenda...create'n their own war...create'n their own confusion and then they think their brain dead zombified fuckards with no consciousness to reality...all of a sudden live in a land where their free speech and their freedom of religion is under attack just cuz muff divers or pole smokers wanna tie the knot

these pias lil piglets with their already well known dirty lil backgrounds...have no chance in H-E-double hockey stix of ever become'n prezzie after WE THE PEOPLE know what their stand'n fer...oh no siree bobbette!

it's a never end'n fight...whatever side you butta yer bread on...it all breaks down to submission or sterilization to them...but like the great BOY said...

there's money in religion

there's money in war

there's money in the bank

so why do i feel so poor?

now get off my dress!