2 fans in Afghanistan

who knew my whimsical words of washed out wisdom would touch sooo many kittens from every nook and cranny across the globe

from the Big Apple to the Minne-Apple...

from Cincinnati to Seattle...

just come'n up with weekly headlines was just half the battle

from a town called Turkey to the monks in Nepal

from the Maple Leaf lanes to the vineyards in France

touch'n all these kittens was just by mere chance

from the British Monarch to the Irish Republic...

from far away New Zealand  to the Land Down Under...

who knew that i would become such a  worldly wonder

from Russia with Love to the Syrian nation

from the Amazon jungles to the mountains of Peru

i'm so elated to have touched someone like you

from Juan Valdez to the Chilean sights

from Pinata parties to the African horn

some of my fans have even done porn

from the sweats shops in India to the hot Arabian Dessert

from the Pyramids of Egypt to the Great Walls of China 

my fans are my friends...well...sorta friends...kinda

but the biggest surprise of all you see

are my 2 biggest fans in Afghanistan who read me!

i've never had the pleasure...but heard about you in the news

i hope my words have touched you somehow...and washed away yer blues

i wonder if yer hungry...or just part of the war

were you on duty?...or was i just a bore?

are you part of the Taliban?...or were you just on vacation?

i guess either way...i'm happy to be part of that war torn nation

those miles may tear us...from far far apart

i want you to know...you mean to most to my heart

so 3 cheers to you...and all of the rest

it's time to bid auf wiedersehen ...now get off my dress!

bann'n the flamers of desire

*update*

this story originally featured anti-Smokey the Bear practitioner

and Cheerios crusader fer the pea podders of america...Michael Leisner

but unfortunately he kicked the can unexpectantly...and bought a one way ticket to protest at the pearly gates up above...so move'n onward

when i think of flames...alot of things are conjured up in my mind...

the yester years at summer camp with my brothers and sister...

roast'n marshmallows over an open flame

durin' the holiglazed season...images of ol' Bing Crosby dance in my head

of him sing'n about roast'n chestnuts on an open flame

of course...who can forget this petrified comedic classic

the original non heterosexual glitter bomb'n flame

and when i think of holier than though...A double snake holes....

i think of this frothy fecal flamer hater

so ever since ol' sorry ass looser Santorum aborted his presimental run to ruin america's right to porn and other less than holy acts of human nature that are forbidden from his bed time fairy tale book...we've heard very little from this very big pain in the ass...UNTIL NOW!

apparently...Ricky hasn't  finished his spotlight dance with  the devil makers

and his obsession to rid the world of designer labels...cake decorators...and tea bagg'n competitions

so he decided to spread his fecal matter and rear his hatefulness once again...and stump the pink hole pumpers and carpet cleaners from ever walk'n down the aisles of matrimony...with his biblical baloney once again!

do we REALLY need to break down yer fairytale book...AGAIN Ricky?

maybe i'm miss'n somethin' here...but haven't we evolved a bit over rules and regulations over the past 2000 years to fit our current times?

fine...we can play by yer RULERS rules for arguments sakes...but that means NO cherry pick'n...so in case ya missed a couple of pretty important rules...you yerself...are probably not pratice'n...i thought i'd give ya a lil refresher course :

Leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves...both male and female...provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations....a friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans...but not Canadians...

can you clarify pleez...why can't i own Canadians?

Exodus 21:7  states it's ok to sell your daughter into slavery...

what do you think would be a fair price for her in this day and age?

Leviticus15:19-24 states that i can't have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness...or i to shall be uncleansed

problem is...how am gonna know?...most just turn into a bitch if you make any assumptions

Leviticus1:9 states that burn'n a bull on the altar as a sacrifice...creates a very pungently pleasing odor for the RULER's o factory senses

only prob is...my neighbors claim the odor is not please'n to them....shall i smite them?

Exodus 35:2  states clearly that they should be put to death fer work'n on the sabbath...so these next door neighbors kids insist on sell'n lemonade on hot summer afternoons...7 days a week...even after i read them this rule

am i morally obligated to kill them myself?...or should i ask the police to do it for me?

Leviticus 11:10 states though eat'n shellfish is a total abomination...it's a lesser abomination than bein' a flamer my buddy says...i don't agree...

can you settle this tough one?...are there different levels to abomination?

Leviticus 21:20 states that i can't approach the altar of the RULER if i have a defect in my sight....i just started wear'n read'n glasses cuz of astigmatism

does my vision have to be 20/20...or is there some wiggle room here?

Leviticus 19:27 states it's totally forbidden that my male buddies get their hair trimmed anywhere on their nubile bodies...even around their temples

how should they die?

Leviticus 11:6-8  states that touch'n the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean

can players still play football if they wear gloves?

Leviticus 19:19  states that those plant'n two different crops in the same field...are clearly violate'n the law...which my brother who owns a farm does fer the past couple of years...and as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread with her cotton/poly blends

do i need go to the trouble gett'n the whole town together to stone em'?

couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair?

like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws...so says Leviticus  20:14

i know you have studied these passages religiously and therefore are considered an expertise in above mentioned matters...so i'm completely confident Ricky...that you can help sort out these sticky situations since you now have time on yer hands while cherry pick'n thru the help wanted section

if yer gonna live by the sword!...you must die by the sword!

or just die...a-w-a-y!

or maybe...just MAYBE (p)Rick...these 2 obviously non homosexuals

might be on to somethin' try'n to put out the flames yer try'n to fan

so there ya have it...keep in mind...like i've said before kittens...i could care less what you believe in...but practice what you preach...or get off my dress!

salvation vs. starvation

hey kittens...can i get everyone to sit in a circle so i can tell ya a terribly TERRIBLE lil story about self imposed hunger!

now i'm not talk'n about a  3rd world countries hunger...

the homeless and their hunger...

or even models with their hunger fer a tic tac...

mind you...these are all very very sad examples of hunger that is goin' on all around us and unfortunately will continue to go on thru-out  the world...
unless YOU decide to help change things

no...today i'm gonna tell you about a new tragedy that is slowly gain'n momentum...and turn'n into a tidal wave thru-out this country at least...

thanx in part to this dude...as once portrayed by this beloved raisin rancher

see thing is...ever since the religious priests perpetrators of the world have had to cover up their "under the cover" cover ups that have shunned them fer the past 50 years...cost'n their belief system approximately 2.5 billion big ones...they've had to come up with some ingenious plan to get their flock back

and what better way to smoke screen their shinnanigans than to have their religious followers extreme factory processed zealots boycott and refuse to partake in as many LGBT associated companies as possible to distract the rest of the world to believe nothing they did was ever wrong

only problem is...it has now left them virtually scour'n the grocery aisles in complete despair and utter chaos in biblical proportions...of what was never meant to be...that their fav-o-rit trans fatty food corps are support'n equal rights fer everyone under the rainbow (i'm talk'n about the LGBT kittens to)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

so this guy...Tony Perkins

ooops...my bad...this is just a reference to the scream above

not this scream

this scream...someone stop me!...now where was i?...oh yea...

Family Research Council pariah puppet Tony Perkins issued a statement

state'n companies that support LGBT endeavors are fann'n the flames to a "cultural war" that will seal their fate...bitch puhleez...there's more culture

in one of these lil buckets than in you

among the many unsuccessful boycotts to their cause includes:
ALL General Mills products...Starbucks...Girl Scout Cookies and

Oreo's

but don't stop there Tony...with the J-man at the wheel...act today and you can also nix these nummy nummy breakfasts up to and include'n :
Cheerios...Chex...Cinnamon Toast Crunch...Trix....and since Kellogg's is also fer the homo's equal rights it also means Apple Jacks...Froot Loops...
Frosted Flakes...Special K... Pop-Tarts...and Smart Start are forbidden

and i'm sorry but yer also gonna have to leggo of yer f*ck'n Eggo!

hmmm...what's fer lunch?...well certainly not these blasphemous products:
Campell's Soup...V8...anything by Sara Lee...Chef Boyardee...Banquet...
Blue Bonnet...Easy-Mac...Oscar Mayerl...Morningstar Farms...and Manwich

(trust me...i'm all the manwich you need to eat...tee-hee!)

and if you thought that was bad...yer lil kittens will also have to repent their fav's like Lunchables...Kid Cuisine...Fruit by the Foot...Gushers...

and Fruit Roll-Ups...total desert of the devil

happy hour just became a lil sadder...thanx to those LGBT lovers :
Coca-Cola products...Pepsi products...Anheuser-Busch...Dr. Pepper...
Coors...Snapple...Budweiser and Bud Light...Miller and Miller Light

all have policies that help the homo's with their equal rights

feel like putt'n yer sweet tooth to work? DAMN...sux to be you then:
besides Nabisco's Oreo's...Teddy Grahams...Nutter Butter...Honey Maid...Chips Ahoy...Barnum's Animal Crackers...anything Hershey or Toblerone...Bertolli...Breyers...Klondike...Popsicle

and even Ben & Jerry's are taste'n the rainbow

and ps...don't even think about add'n Splenda to yer grocery list!

NO MORE of these RIBOFLAVIN'S?...NO MORE of these HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUPYNESS'S?...NO MORE of these THIAMINE MONONITRATE'S or REDUCED IRON'S?

dear G*D what will they do?

if yer wanna ride the bull...yer gonna get the horns!

(thanx to my dear kitten Jen)

you can't just stop there!...if yer boycott'n because you don't wanna feel like yer shake'n yer fist at the "ALMIGHTY" up above...consider other aspects of yer life you might wanna reconsider doin business with...since all these other companies are promote'n sinnergy as well :

IBM...Intel... American Express...American Airlines...Southwest Airlines...
Delta Airlines...United Airlines...Staples...Colgate-Palmolive...Ramada...
Pacific Gas & Electric...Johnson & Johnson...Corning...Allstate...AT&T...
CVS...Shop ‘n’ Save...Bank of America...Marriott...Blue Cross/Blue Shield...
Burger King...FedEx...Merck...MetLife...Capital One...Century 21...HBO...
Target...Toyota...Chevron...NBC Universal...UPS...Hilton...Hyatt...Verizon...
Office Depot and OfficeMax... just to name a few

yer better off become'n AMISH...this way ya won't be waste'n money after check'n outta yer hotel room...fill'n up at the gas station...buy'n those snicky snacks fer the road...make'n sure you don't get pulled over by the cops without that insurance while on yer way to the airport...now get off my dress!