PURPLE REIGN

picture it kittens...it's the wintertime...in the year of 1982...

i was in a trance when i 1st heard HIM make his way across the airwaves on our family radio before i had any clue who he was or what he looked like...that sat askew atop our frigid air box...think'n to myself...1999 is like so very very far far away...but i'm buy'n whatever this guy's sell'n!

i was dreamin' when i wrote this
so sue me if i go 2 fast
but life is just a party...and parties weren't meant 2 last
war is all around us...my mind says prepare 2 fight
so if i gotta die i'm gonna listen 2 my body tonight

i was on my plead'n knee's begg'n Joan Crawford the follow'n christmas...

for thee entire cassette tape...so i could bask in and mimic his sexual prowess in the mirror...i mean come on...i was 12 and finally got to witness all the "CONTROVERSY" that winter on Mtv fer the 1st time at my neighbor Tom Babler's house...just as i was learn'n to turn on all those tingly sensations that were runn'n thru-out my fresh nubile body like lighten'n bolts

well christmas would come...but instead of fulfill'n my pathetically whiny pleas that fateful morn'n...as i was open'n my one PRESENT that i hoped was about to come true...i was instead presented with the Fred Mann orchestra performs the hits to Prince's 1999 cassette...with the original Woolworth's price tag barely cling'n on fer dear life after Joan had managed to scratch off the mountain of discount stickers on top of it...as if it were some sorta lottery card...though our heritage is irish...she might as well have been jewish that xmas...needless to say...i was not a happy camper that holiday season...that is all

by 1984...i was hooked on HIM like a hooker to heroin

and to make matters even worse...i couldn't believe when i found out...

that i was actually related to someone who would always be a pseudo celeb in my eyes...that was attached to one of the biggest musical films ever made in the 80's...that bein' my very own spunky outspoken doggie luv'n cuz Shelly...when she got to make an appearance in the open'n scene of  "PURPLE RAIN"...(and she couldn't even sneak me in...HMMMF!...ummm insert laugh here kittens...i was only 13 at the time)...i was beyond excited fer her...but my envy was as thick as the rain forest

i was fortunate enough to finally get to see the "PARTYMAN" live twice in Minneapolis in the 90's...once with my sis-n-laws Kris & Jodie and then again with my good red headed irish tamale Karen

flash forward to 8:30 am last week thursday...

though last nites pizza was still try'na settle in my stomach...i woke to thee most unsettle'n news that morn'n...and my teenage angst years were heartbroken 

so of course..me and my good red headed irish tamale Karen...

decided to pay tribute to the lil Purple Paisley man himself...who chooses to sit alone..."UNDER THE CHERY MOON"...it's the "SIGN OF THE TIMES"...lovesexy and all that jazz...our teenage angst wept in a glass of purple rain in uptown...that unfortunately just tasted more like grape windex...but to mr. bartender's credit...if we it had our way...one of us would've really tried to be with child 9 months later...MEEEOCH!

Minneapolis was in mourn'n...as was the rest of the world that sad day...

but by nite fall...everyone came together to rejoice and honor the man that said "I WOULD DIE 4 U" in droves were it all began...at First Avenue...with a free 3 day tribute dance party til 7 am...to honor the man with the "LITTLE RED CORVETTE"...it truly was a completely surreal experience that i was glad i got to experience with my sis-n-laws Kris and Kim along with my friends Poonani, Karen, Renee, Jen, Malcolm, Fredrick and his kitten Miss Monette and 1000's of other fans til the wee hours of the morn'n

his presence was not only honored in Minneapolis.,..

but also...around the world

but PRINCE was sooo much more than just a musician...

from my newly acquired hometown of Minneapolis in 1990...he was a ROCK GOD that single handedly created the Minneapolis sound for the X generation...that i secretly worshiped at least once a month durin' my many road trip car concerts where ever i went...his music and his image helped define not only many of my personality traits...but also helped out many other musical artists thru-out his extraordinaringly mind-blow'n career...that many might not be aware of...

though he wrote the haunt'n ballad that Miss O'Connor had made famous...

with "NOTHING COMPARES 2 U"

 he also wrote the break up rock ballad...

"WHEN YOU WERE MINE"

for CYNDI LAUPER

the reason you never wanted sunday to end...

"MANIC MONDAY"

for the BANGLES

the best work-out reason to get away with shawls on a tread mill

 "STAND BACK"

co-written for STEVIE NICKS

the drum beat'n fabulousness

"GLAMOROUS LIFE"

for SHEILA E.

and though originally written in 1979...he handed over

"I FEEL FOR YOU"

for CHAKA KHAN

of course we all remember his cohabitation with one Miss EASTON on...

"U GOT THE LOOK"...but did you also know...PRINCE wanted to "take you somewhere you've never been" inside Sheena's "SUGAR WALLS"

and with his "RASBERRY BERET" hitt'n it in heavy rotation on Mtv... 

and even hard in the charts...he couldn't just stop there...cuz he also collaborated on a duet with the QUEEN on her come'n into her new cocoon album "LIKE A PRAYER" with "LOVE STORY"

there was even talk years ago about a possible world tour with the QUEEN and PRINCE

of course there will be the proverbial flood of "PURPLE RAIN" tears that'll 

be flow'n 4 years 2 come...PRINCE has inspired millions with his music...along with the many humanitarian efforts he performed thru-out his career that he didn't feel the need to broadcast to the world and will always be known as the GOD of eclectic sexually infused R&B funky popp'n rock-n-roll fer me and millions of others...but what can ya do?...i say 2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it!..."LET'S GO CRAZY"  and punch a higher floor

thanx fer the years and the tears...this is really what it sounds like "WHEN DOVES CRY" and we will never ever ferget 

"SOMETIMES IT SNOWS IN APRIL"

please take a moment to sign my petition to have a statue erected to...

honor Prince's musical legacy in Minneapolis

now "GET OFF" my dress!

to PEE or NOT to PEE

that whole adage about...if a tree falls down in the forest...and no one is

around to hear it...does it make a sound?

ummm yea...it's called a fuck'n tape recorder you uneducated cunt ruffle!

so recently...a small portion of the deep south has decided to hop in their 

righteous delorean...back to the draconian age of fuckery laws that can get you cumm'n or goin...one way or another...designed by some delusional entity that has been blindly worshiped fer centuries and bury it's head in the sand of revolution...when it comes to a simple human necessity that WE ALL have to do at least once a day

governors fuck'n pluck'n banjo buddies in North Carolina and Mississippi...

decided to be the head of the pious pack...with a pack of their sanctimonious bullshit laws hidden in their state...by reestablish'n ancient laws allegedly created by some CASPER in the clouds...that were supposedly created thousands of years ago...as the only way to live life today...without any sorta persecution 

from those who look down on their balls...instead of just look'n down into some ball...that should be able to persecute them without any sorta prejudice to their insanity  

let's begin with mr. North Carolina and all those meatloaf makers...AND

lemonade leakers...so back in march...their governor...Pat McCrory McCrock-O-Shit...decided to piss all over the state by sign'n into law...the bill HB2...commonly known as the "bathroom bill" that basically says...if you were born a biological dick smacker or kitty scratcher...
regardless if you are in "trans"ition...that you must use the appropriate shitter assigned to you the second you slide down yer mothers fallopian tubes of course...

him and his posse of fecal fuckturds want the public to believe that this bill was intended to stop all those transgenderfied sexual predators (specifically male to female) from prey'n on their female offspring...BUT...

here's the thing...there IS NOT ONE documented case of ANY TRANSGENDER PERSON that has sought out sexual gratification in the urinal palaces in any state...NODDA ONE!...but oddly enough...

there's a list of GOP tinkle tappers who just couldn't get enough

unfortunately fer fans...the whole state felt the power of the twisted pen...

and a gigantic back hand bitch slap sammich by entertainment giants like BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and RINGO STARR who pulled out their shows

along with brilliant documentarist MICHEAL MOORE and bad hair plugged WICKED composer STEPHEN SCHWARTZ who followed suit refuse'n to have their brilliant work wasted in some wasteland of comic book ideology that isn't consistent with those live'n in the present

also included on their shit list was the magically deliciousness of Cirque du Soleil

but the biggest blow that most won't be able to blow to anymore...

is a help'n hand from internet porn giant XHAMSTER...who blocked any and ALL North Carolinian pole smackers access to their site...and it's only gonna get worse...cuz they stand to loose many millions...if not billions of benjamins...

from corporations like PAYPAL and many others include'n the federal government

although CYNDI LAUPER has decided to continue with her tour in Raleigh on june 4th...she stated that she will be donate'n ALL her profits fer the nite to help fight this asinine law 

next is the MISSISSIPPI governor chosen confederate colostomy fucktwat

Phil My-Crack-In Bryant....who passed a shitload of righteous gas...with his religious "anti mystical teach'ns from some incredibly toned hippied hottie hammered on some timber many moons ago...allegedly...that they worship" freedom bill on steroids recently...which basically states that businesses and or governmental scabs can refuse non heterosexuals and their perspective clients and or partners ANY SERVICE...include'n if those non homosexuals who choose to dip in the pool of purgatory outta wedlock 

and just like in North Carolina...it'll hit the states piggy banks huge...

as entertainers like SHARON STONE and BRYAN ADAMS both refuse'n to work in the m-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-humpback-humpback-i state...with many many businesses and government funds to follow...loose'n billions in their sanctimonious swamp

thankfully not all is lost in the plantation nation fer the LGBTXYZPDQ 

kittens and their communities...as current Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards signed into office an executive order to protect EVERYONE under the sun

hey North Carolina...why don't ya buy a clue from yer twin sister...AND

follow suit with Governor Nikki Haley...if you want any sort of pursuit to happiness fer ALL it's tax pay'n citizens

if state ass wipes and businesses wanna hide behind these fucked up...

 "religious laws"...FINE...but then they should let it be known by EVERYONE that either puts them in public seats or keeps there biz's afloat...by wear'n a simple symbol of unity and absurdity...so the ENTIRE population can make up their own minds where they're gonna blow their benjamins

in close'n...there is hope on the horizon kittens...all you need to do is

put pen to paper or poke the punch card and VOTE these neanderthalic nutfuckers outta office this november or else!

now get off my dress!

into the woods

well...finally that fuck'n snow miser decided to pack up his tapp'n shoes...

 and do his final curtain call on this very unwanted extended run this season and head north til november...so the rest of us could finally clean out the cooler and wash out the war stains from their sleep'n bags from the last sleazy season in the wilderness and get ready to head north fer many extended weekends...to ferget about think'n about nothin' that you fergot you weren't think about in the first place

to dip in the deep end with yer "special" friend at the lake cabin...

and catch some much needed rays...show'n off yer spank'n new bikini bottoms...to catch some spank'n hungry top...

maybe a fancy schmancy fish or two...

and if yer lucky...the latest must have STD that everyone at the center fer disease control has been rave'n about

or somethin' like that...but hey...if you don't like my vision...

of yer vacation...make like Michael and BEAT IT!

so the other day my very very VERY dear hairdress'n doctoress & savior

from many many moons ago...(who i fergot to give an honorable mention to fer save'n my follicles many many moons ago apparently)...we'll just call her K...to keep her anonymity private kapeesh?...anyways...K met me out fer a cocktail or 10 that day and we started reminiscence'n about the one time...her & her non homo bf T  

and their uncontrollably mangy eyesore named...Mr. Puss...decided to kidnap me durin' some non decorated fall holiday fer an out-of-town excursion...into no-man-of-mine's land...to their cabin 2 hrs outta my safe place into northern MN...and since i didn't wanna sit home and count the countless unreturned texts from my ungrateful stalker...i said...SURE!

so off we went...and instead of borin' you with somethin' you could care less about since you weren't there...i'll just give you the unsalted highlights

we arrived before the attack of the outta-town rush hour was about to hit the fan...and as we drove into the driveway of this modestly humble cabin...

HA!...you call THIS a CABIN?...ya right...it was the fuck'n South Fork of cabin's

i was wait'n fer Sue Ellen to walk out any minute and served us freshly chilled lemonade with a kick

turns out...it just belonged to their fun non heterosexual neighbors...

so i really hated to beat a gift horse in the mouth...but we 3 were all bunk'n in this shit shack...wait...i'm so sorry...i mean...their quaint lil shit shack...

oh well...i somehow hoped i'd find some zen named Ben...that i'd been wait'n fer...and much rightfully deserved at the time since it was my b-day weekend after all...but it was after all a free vacation from the bright lights and loud noises that i have so come to love over the years over any sorta peace and quiet...though i would eventually learn to love the peace and quiet that was actually quiet peaceful fer a change

from the outside it looked a bit cramped...but as the front door opened

i could see we had enough ample leg room to move about...

which was good cuz i didn't really feel like goin all Sybil on them

the air was fresh and clean...blow'n off the tranquil lake waters...

like an early morn'n kiss from mother nature's lips

all was calm and peaceful...not a care in the world...and really...i didn't care about nutt'n or nothin'...which was a good change...fer a change

later that day as the rays decided to hit above my index...

i slipped into my best bathin' suit of course...while sipp'n on some concoction they created in their lab (who knew we'd see moose toe)

lounge'n in nothing but my birthday suit...sun block and cocktail nearby

and YES...sorry i couldn't get Herb Ritts to capture this moment perfectly...but he was dead kittens...i only had my dinosaur flip phone on me at the time to capture these Kodak moments...so deal with it!



all was goin well...until day #2...when Mr. Puss...who apparently was given some hallucinogenic drug in his puppy chow by my 2 lovely kidnappers 

cuz he thought he was some sorta psychotic bubble bee...buzz'n around the lake...try'n to pollinate with those poor defenslessly loveable himalayan dogfish that i was so desperately try'n not to disturb...in their natural habitat

well…my vacation duration was a true gem fer the most part…and of course my excursion wouldn’t have been complete without 1 umbrella...1 bottle of 1000 unscientifically unproven sun block fer the boat ride and and 1 non think'n think'n cap that i had borrowed to keep my milky white 

freshness in tact...I felt just like Jane Seymour in “somewhere in time”...but without all the Christopher Reeve moments

the bars alone were there own seperate experience at nite...with one crypt keep'n bartender even give'n me the "wonkie eye" one nite...yaaaaa right!

come up fer air diver dan...i moved outta desperadoville...like 8 hours ago

but as day turned to nite...and nite into dazed...by day 4...I had hit my threshold of booze…bugs and bad hygiened in my jeans afternoons

T tells me at 8 am on the 5th day that morn’n…we’d have to stick around til 

5 that nite fer the installers to install their central air unit...ummm yea...remember when a trip to the woods was just a simple place to lay down at nite... 

and bein' watched by some machete wield'n psycho along the shore line was acceptable?

OH NO! not fer these 2

I of course said nothing…since I was along fer the free ride...but i was ready to install my own unit into someone's central location 

unfortunately...there would be no Bobby wait'n fer me in the shower...

 if my head could speak...i would'a been convicted of accimental homicide

but there would be no "who shot JR" moment...after all...since i left my broomstick at home...and my twitcher was broken...i hadda just keep my flap trap shut

and it really didn't have anything to do with K or T's hospitality...cuz they were the perfect host's....while they gorged on a very lavish feast of...

imported meats...a plethora of exotic fruits and vegetables...freshly hand picked by peruvian whistle children...and carefully sipped wines from around the world...

they served me a beautiful assortment of leftovers in a simple carry'n case

from Ancient Chinese Chicken Shack down the road and a simple mint leaf float'n in my glass of unimported toilet water

luckily...T just wanted to see my reaction…cuz it'd only be a few hours…

and thank CHER we did stick around!  

cuz 1 of the 3 stooges that came to the cabin that morn'n to install the central frigid air unit...i swear just stepped outta some boom chickie wow wow adult educational fornicational flick...i no longer cared if i ever returned

he was a total backwoods bumpkin with a gluteus maximus that looked like 2 of the most perfectly round scoops of butter pecan ice cream

(hey i just bought that reference last nite at the store...deal with it!)

i of course was buzz'n around like some love starved homo hummin' bird

ready to ruffle my feathers any way i possibly could

i...as the author...will leave you with yer dirty dirty lil imagination as to what may or may not have transpired between us...and let you finish the story as you see fit!

would i ever gone outta town with these 2 non homosexuals again?

H E and add in a couple of hockey sticks YES!!..i always enjoy hang'n with these 2...but on much smaller time frame and after they figer out a way to move the gravitational pull of the ultraviolet rays away from my milky white skin fer an extended period of time so i don't have to put on my bathin' suit again...(it's so hard to be me)

even though i might be some kinda antsy backwoods barbie at times...

who's no fan of bar-b-q's with a side of buck toothed patrons at some local water'n hole...at the very least...the backwoods bumkin...was worth the trip not to skip

now get off my dress!