coo coo for COCO

remember when you were a small child...if you were like me of course...

and how you would go absolute batshit bonkers fer a bowl of this chemically induced crunchy balls of cocoa force'n you to drink every last drop of milk until you fell into a chocolaty coma

only to grow up into a full fledged adult child try'na recapture my youth...

remember'n how much you i missed all that chocolaty goodness...desperately want'n to give into the cocoa one more time...without have'n to deal with all those empty calories

well...today has NOTHING to do with either!

from confess'n her anguish in the urinals to some stranger about...

the dangers of gett'n sausage syrup in yer eyes in her 1999 independent smash hit "TRICK" in which the part was specifically written fer her...by her...from her own personal experience

followed up by the instant cult classic comedy in 2003...

"GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS"

where she again played herself...this time as a lonely spinster live'n with 2 roommates...drag superstars Varla Jean Merman and Evie Harris...carry'n a torch fer the doctor that performed an abortion on her years ago

yes today kittens...i'm talk'n about none other than thee one...thee only

MISS COCO PERU

star of stage and screen...Miss Peru has been hawk'n her humor in heels

for over the past 20+ years and has no intentions of stopp'n anytime soon...this Bronx beauty has earned numerous nominations and awards fer all her hard work as an entertainer
but also as an activist extraordinaire fer all her endless hours dedicated to the LGBT-XYZ-PDQ community

though the throngs of Miss PERU's die hard fans...the COCO PUFFS (like myself) of  "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS" have been wait'n impatiently in the back rooms of any downtown "adult theater" fer the follow-up to this cult classic...COCO and cast did release some shorts in 2008 & 2009 to tide us over til they decide to do somethin' about it

GIRL STALK pt1 GIRLS STALK pt 2 DELIVERING COCO pt1 DELIVERING COCO pt2 THE JIZZ PARTY

whether she's take'n us on a roadtrip fer her fav-o-rit Celestial Seasonings

teach'n you how to make the perfect cup of tea...in 20 simple steps

or teach'n you the in's & out's of  devirginalization with a good hard A double snake pound'n

COCO has been right there to help you along yer way...

this ballsy blue eyed beauty has spread her legs wings and appeared in everything from the small screen with shows like

WILL & GRACE & HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

to her critically acclaimed stage productions like "MY GODDAMN CABARET" & "SHE"S GOT BALLS" among many many other countless performances over the years

and her current production "A GENTLE REMINDER: COCO'S GUIDE TO A SOMEWHAT HAPPY LIFE"...get yer tix and other show dates @ a city near you here

pegged as "one of the last great storytellers" by the incomparable LILY TOMLIN

it's time that this copper top FINALLY get her break and get her own damn show...and this is where you and yer piggy bank come in

fuck all those presimental donations & the countless annoy'n charities...

hawk'n yet another sappy Sarah McLaughlin song in slo-mo...and seriously...like you really need another fuck'n box of those thin mints...cuz kitten...i'm here to tell ya there ain't nothin' thin about ya no matter how many contortions you put yerself in to take that perfect selfie...besides yer already one box away from a dialysis machine as it is!

NO!...the only campaign you needa worry about this march madness is...

 MISS COCO PERU's kickstarter campaign

CONVERSATIONS WITH COCO

where her very 1st guest of honor will be none other than the legendary MISS LILY TOMLIN on august 13th fer the pilot episode

COCO has hosted this on goin live series in LA fer over 10 years...

with past iconic legends like Bea Arthur...Lainie Kazan...Jane Fonda & Liza Minnelli to name a few

just think of all the endless conversations and tough to get answers COCO could get from yer fav-o-rit celeb

well...now it's yer chance to bring it to the masses that sit on their asses...

by make'n a small or LARGE...but very important donation...to make COCO's conversations come true...with many many fabulous gifts await'n fer you...no matter how LARGE or small you choose to loose outta yer purse...

as a personal THANK YOU from COCO herself...with a portion of the proceeds to benefit the LA LGBT center...where this whole shenanigan show began

with only 14 days to go ...it's time to put down that remote controlled panty top...and do yer patriotic duty dammit!.

 i've taken my love life off life support...dipped into my silk purse...

& generously donated my monthly anal retentive bleach'n to support (the still live'n legend) Miss Coco Peru...to make her tv show a reality...so why not kick that other "reality show" (the Kankersoredashians) to the curb...

you want fine quality tv program'n @ yer finger tips?...

rather watch a legend than a lesion?...then donate T-O-D-A-Y dammit!
CONVERSATIONS WITH COCO 

and get off my dress!

a lesson learned...the hard way!

i have friends who are absolute whores...

i have friends who are absolute bores...

i have had my shares of ups and downs this past week...

(and by that i mean i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much i was offered)

i had had all i could take and my cracks were about to leak...

(and i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite...(after doin my sexual charitable act of the week...hush up...i'm not dead)

fer the low low price of 5 benjamins...take'n my longest and almost dearest friend (well there was that one incident with and orange and narcotics many moons ago...that oops'd her into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category...but i say...why hold a grudge?) since i moved to the Minne-Apple...to the island of unwanted tchotchkes and abused and broken crap the local GOODWILL

(and before ya get yer PC panties in a bunch...i used to live in this epicenter of filth and regret...so put down yer tawdry torches)

my piece of crap death mobile...that i got by default...from my not so dear uncle...(who was forced into a raisin ranch months earlier fer his own good)...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this particular even'n...and instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not mechanically inclined to know what it means when things start to rattle and shake...and lights start flicker'n on my dashboard like i'm at a disco tech...my thought process just tells me...

you don't wanna hear the clang'n and clatter'n?...then act like a normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...with a personality disdain fer mechanics in general and turn the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and yer problem is solved right?

well...though i could tell my mobile was a bit under the weather...

we made it to our journey's end with no p-r-o-b-l-e-m-o... 

well except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead so they apparently fergot to roll out the the red carpet and present me with a chilled cosmo upon my arrival

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...
she packed up her purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*

i thought...way'da'minute!...WTF did my car just say to me?...i've give'n my share to the interracial facial foundation more than i can count...turns out...

my fuck...i mean...my fuck'n mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than a chinless dildo in spectacles 

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber a calm C-U-Next-Time this time...

after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company...and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to use one of her lifelines and phone a friend...SERIOUSLY?!

49 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me...

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n...at no cost...to date...he just asked fer my insurance policy and sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read'n my serial killer penmanship and asked me fer my name...i said " you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers to the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*...SERIOUSLY!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...but thankfully the president of my fan club came thru and jumped me and off i was...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital and figer out WTF was wrong with my POS car

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged head...in concert sing'n back-up with Loretta Lynn's "you ain't woman enough to take my man"...then all of a sudden...*NIG*NIG*SPIK*NIG*NIG*SPIK*...15 blocks from my destination...i noticed that my dashboard started act'n up with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go into ape shit mode... 

at drive'n Miss Crazy Colostomy Bag 2016 in front of me...who was move'n at the speed of the blind in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

the only thing that really comforted me in my desperate moment of need...was hear'n about the timely death of yet another POS political engine who can't even move his bowels anymore

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away...but i had ants in my pants...and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick...so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF...and i kid you not

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads logged off their Scruff accounts in droves and logged in my exact

coordinance into their GPS...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent...but after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes...if i'd give them a jump prior...

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest H2O...and a complimentary hand job in the john by some John...and though they encourage ritual bathing's and it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...

i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap...so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place...well...he try'da explain...in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

but i figered...my only solution at this point was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy...lip service agent...and then a mechanic to fuck...so i don't get fuck'd over again! 

now get off my dress!