one more for the road

i'm sorry to say...but fuck it...i'm gonna say it...2016 was not a good year

i swore my good friend Peetrinella was gonna go all ape shit and put a gambino hit out on me fer not gett'n her the cha cha heels she never asked for...cuz ya know...the other 36 other piggy bank drain'n gifts that i completely got her from mere memory just wasn't enough (hey can someone get her a bag to breath in? cuz i know she's cackle'n to death at this point)

but just as bad was the fact that Grimmy decided to clean house...royally!

by bein' an absolute asshole this year & steal'n the GEN X'ers musical royalty right out from under us that defined our generation!

first up...you blind sided us with a right hook by take'n our 2 toned eyed starman

 ZIGGY STARDUST

then...as if yer appetite wasn't satisfied enough...you pulled a left hook and hadda take our very own lil Purple Paisley Man 

PRINCE

months would pass til you decided to give us a good bitch slap...with PETE BURNS from

  DEAD OR ALIVE

and just when i thought he had enough and would adjourn to his coffin fer the year...since the year was just about up...he decided to steal one more of our greatest gifts and thee best A double snake shakers of our generation...by robb'n us of the great GEORGE MICHAEL on xmas

thanx alot asshole!...GEORGE was my secret high school hard on that i almost got a ride from on his bus at the St Paul Civic Center in 1988 on his "FAITH TOUR" after leave'n his equally fantastic band WHAM!...true story

but with the impend'n doom and gloom fer the new year we shall all reap

Mr. Reaper...though he may be music to the GOP & deplorables minds...he is not a musical genius in ANY respect...well...cuz he has no respect fer anyone but himself...may i suggest that we receive just ONE MORE visit from you before the clock strikes 12 on new years eve?
and if yer feel'n a lil more generous and wanna clean out his cabinet...i won't object!

now get off my dress!

HELL IS FER CHILDREN

ahhh...the merriest of reason to stock up on xanax this holiglazed season

is finally upon us once again...where parents start loose'n it...and begin booze'n it...just cuz all hell will break loose if they can't get their crippled claws on the latest fad fer their special lil ones reason why they have a cottaged cheese ass...while dear ol' dad goes an extra 100 miles outta his way just to take the "babysitter" home every nite...so they alternate that tired old excuse either #1 ol' Red Fat Ass was systematically busted once again fer drive'n under the influence on Christmas eve nite  or #2 they ended up on Santa's shit list again this year...as to why certain lil kittens wouldn't be gett'n that special lil gift that they've been bitch'n and begg'n fer all year long

in the 50's...every lil lassie went ape shit if dear old saint what's-wrong-with-his-fuck'n-memory...fergot to get them the much sought after hula hoop...so they could pratice the proper way to twerk their tush to keep their future pathetic excuse fer a marriage from fall'n apart by play'n that dreaded "my rocket fell into her socket" game

by the 60's...every lil girl and girlie boy wanted that bearded booze hound to leave them an easy bake oven so they could create their own personalized "baked" goods...just so they could drown out the screams of ma & dad after cocktail hour with the neighbors

once the 70's rocked on...everyone was pett'n somethin' on someone...but fer those unfortunates souls that never got asked to the prom...or even to their high school gang-bang...they always had their pet rock to keep them miserably happy til it was time to see Krusty Kringle the follow'n year

in the 80's...parents were pick'n out their plots if they couldn't get their hands on the bloated Barbie delightfully insane cabbage patch doll that that fruitcaked fellow was suppose to set...beautifully wrapped...under their coke flocked xmas tree

by the 90's...every child would shank a skank if they woke up xmas morn'n without their very own personalized speak'n furby from Papa Noel...which was really just the bastard child as the result of a gremlin and a pickled owl  nite of inbreed'n

and once the new millennium rolled around...it was all just a CROC of shit fer old Saint Dick!

though now a days...unfortunately...in some corners of the globe...

some kids just dream of find'n their friends...

or just find'n their family...

hope to find a new place to sleep...

or just try to get the proper medical care they deserve

so remember...sometimes yer lil kittens should just be grateful that they live where they live

now get off my dress!

HO HO NO MO

so there i was awake'n...2 weeks before xmas...with my x-lax & a mess...

 and me in my dress...fergett'n the stress...but let me digress

i scrolled thru my feed...to read the lastest read...

but the only thing interest'n...was the LADY BUNNY in need

she started a very cute poem...quite funny i had thought...

but she needed an end'n...that couldn't be bought

so without any ado...and without all that glittered glamour...

 i ironed out my poetic thoughts...i only hoped it wouldn't damn her

"TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS"

a poem by LADY BUNNY

 **with additional help by

thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...
KRYSTAL KLEER

'Twas the night after Christmas
And all through my "house"
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Cuz that mouse smelled dead
But no corpse could I find
I checked on my gerbil
It was in my behind.
I'm not a troll
Who lives under a bridge
But the last mouse I found
Was inside of my fridge...

(**insert KRYSTAL KLEER's response here) 

i named him Poonanee

the cutest lil fellow 

a christmas surprise
now frozen in my jello

 
i shrieked when i saw him

float'n still amongst the berries

"i can't serve this to my guests" i thought
"they're a bunch of non heterosexual wannabe vegan mary's"

i tossed and i turned
then i thought it would be hilarious

i'll spread on some whipped cream
and serve it to Joey Arias

she stole my spotlight
that year in Christmas with the Crawford's

that low down dirty cunt
looked more like some dirty paw turds

one by one
my posse would arrive

 
my apartment smelt like Auschwitz
where barely anyone survived

i lit all my pine candles
and febreezed my place like hell

i had to do somethin quick
to cover that deadly smell

first in came Miss Jackie Beat...

next up was Miss CoCo Peru...

Lypsinka looked absolutely smash'n...

unfortunately so did Miss Ru

then all of a sudden i remembered
"where in the hell is that santa stripper named Leo?"

of course who shows up without an invite...
but that fuck'n talentless twat Bianca Del Rio

everyone i could think of
had made it thru my door

"hmmm" i thought "am i miss'n anyone?"
then in walks Miss AMANDA LEPORE

my shitbox was now too full
all my lil MUNSTERS unMAC'd...look'n like a Herman

i knew i couldn't fit anymore
so i canceled the uber i sent fer VARLA JEAN MERMAN

i summoned my helper
to serve my guests more wine

and much to their amusement
it was none other than Miss SHERRY VINE

then finally Miss Arias arrived
from craigslist he found this fellow

 
oh...i could barely contain myself
i couldn't wait to serve Joey my jello

we all sipped on cocktails
while Miss Beat sipped her carrot juice

then Joey's man introduced himself
he said ''hi...my name is Bruce''

i told all my cheap guests who didn't bother to bring me a gift
to get their tired asses in a circle and put down their wine

then i pulled out my rusty dusty ouija board
and decided to conjour up the one and only DIVINE

then we all sat down fer dinner
i sat next to Bruce

they all loved my cook'n
well...except for maybe the goose

the time it had come
to open all the presents

but i hadn't served dessert yet
to all my famous pheasants

i topped off their glasses
i thought i'd be nice

 
then i dished out the jello
and gave Joey the first slice

she poked and she prodded
til Poonanee's tail fell out

she freaked and she screamed
i said ''Joey...it's Christmas...pleez don't shout!''

''there's a dead mouse in my jello''
as i heard her exclaim

paybacks a bitch ain't it
she's got no one to blame

Joey leaped from her chair
and ran out of my house

all because she was served my jello
with a dead gelatinous mouse

the moral of this story is
and i hate to be so blunt

i am the LADY BUNNY
so don't fuck with me cunt!

Happy HO HO HO from yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe!

now get off my dress! 

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of

someone...to make me look completely unselfish...at their expense of course...

BUTT...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf

senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"

ummm...yea...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution

but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games here...you bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer

up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?

the hungry can starve...

the deplorables can suck it...

and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!

now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me

as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book

it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of CHER...tickets to her "death becomes her" tour next year

or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew me...you know she's like heroin...you just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...

of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the Minne-Apple...so unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home lobotomy...it's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards

i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh geez...how can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!

maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson

outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely machine...it's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

but her greatest hits is the next best thing

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads

"ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: the movie"
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985

shut up...it's my thing...plus my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it

how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year

lastly...to be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day

since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they

were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's it...now i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!

kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!