Get Over Pleasure? ya right!

music has played a part...at some point...in help'n you get yer freak on!

in the 1960's...Elvis's pelvis swooned millions of kittens...

like a dash board hoola girl in a grass skirt with hits like "can't help fall'n in love with you"

by the1970's...Donna Summer sighed heavily...

like a profesh phone sex operator durin' the summer of love with her hit "love to love you baby"

in the1980's...George Michael tried to put us under his spell...

with a model's A double snakes...declare'n "i want your sex"

(to be fair...originally it was suppose to be the other half of WHAM...Andrew Ridgeley...but he refused to do any manscape'n on his A double snakes)

by the 1990's...MADONNA's name was Dita...

she wanted to be yer mistress tonite...and wanted to take you from behind...with the native porn thump'n beats of "erotica"

with the new millennium upon us...and barely into the 2nd decade of it...

some GOP republiCANTS are sing'n a different tune all together...to try and make yer fornicational pleasures...with certain measures

up first?

1. Planned Parenthood

republiCANT prunes from banjo country in Tennessee...tried desperately to remove all federal fund'n from this agency early this year...with an urgency...but fortunately didn't get very far

apparently...these ladies think this is the only survival kit you'll need to ward off those unsuitable suitors

2. bann'n non heterosexual sex

yea...can ya believe 38 republiCANTS in that state voted against a measure to throw out an outdated law that would put 2 consent'n non heterosexuals locked behind bars 

 but really when ya think of it...that's not REALLY a punishment to the non heterosexuals

that's just a P-A-R-T-Y without a DJ!

luckily their efforts fell flat and the law was erased from the books

3. the 69 should be 86'd

or that's what republiCANT...Ken Cuccinelli...tried to do by reinstate'n the anti sodomy law in the VIRGIN-I-Ain't state...fer both non heterosexuals and the non homosexuals...but his efforts failed after he refused to answer (with his perfect blow job lips) whether or not he spits or swallows...or was a top or bottom

4.  kill the pill bill

cuz CASPER CRUSADE'n republiCANTS would rather invest tax dollars into more seasons of MTV's hit show TEEN MOM...

and unwed mothers/ladies of the nite will enjoy that "special time" alone...as their child learns about attitude and gratitude with their new christmas gift

5. teenage delinquents need to be taught a lesson

cuz spend'n 500 million buckaroo's is gonna make em stop...seriously?...well that's what a handful of republiCANTS in congress thought was needed to help shape today's teenage tinglers from wait'n til they reach the tender age of consent...H-E-L-L-O!...tell'n a teenage not to do somethin' under the covers...is only gonna put them there faster...that's like tell'n hooker not to show up at any of yer conventions...they gotta pay rent somehow...and thing is...even if you gave teenagers the option of 500 mill to slap on a chastity belt...they'll find an ap to unlock themselves anyways and just DO IT!

6. commit'n a crime that's ALL yer fault

or at least that's what republiCANT Cathrynn Brown from New Mexico tried to push thru legislation...by say'n any victims of rape were "tamper'n with evidence"...really?...wow...she made Todd Adkins look like doosh rag with a heart...

it never made it off the shelves...like this edibley unpopular spin of a beloved child's imagination that taught them how to elude the police at an early age by change'n their appearance

so there ya have it kittens...and don't even get me started on those republiCANTS...who've been republiCANS...when no one's watch'n!

now get off my dress

12

remember when that pinball whizzed thru that tremendous maze...

on sesame street...teach'n all the lil kittens how to count to 12

well...that pinball...known as EQUALITY for today's purposes...

finally made it thru the headache of a maze in the great state of MN...as the 12th state to legalize SAME SEX MARRIAGE...thru the power of...WE THE PEOPLE!

let's go back in time to how it all began...

deedle-doo deedle-doo deedle-doo

it all started when Satan's mistress started scratch'n her hooves...

and started by pull'n on the inequality arm and push'n the EQUALITY ball in 2005

try'n to sneak in a bill to ban same sex marriage...civil unions and domestic partnership in the MN constitution on the Senate floor...while a pro non heterosexual rally was goin on outside the capitol...

she was busted hide'n behind a bunch of bushes (scroll to story #9)...allegedly just rest'n her hooves...but everyone knows she was simply look'n for her manacurist "husband" Marcus...thankfully the senate...include'n people in her own party...thought it was in poor taste...

and pulled an UMA... immediately!

the EQUALITY ball made it thru the 1st hole

the bill would be reintroduced a few more times...

in 2006 it passed the 2nd hole

in 2007 it rolled pass the 3rd hole

and then again in 2009...it would pop out thru hole #4

by 2011...the republiCANTS reintroduced a bill to be voted on in the next election to BAN 2 non heterosexual fornicational rights with ALL the government bennies in the constitution....FOREVER!

but it made it thru hole #5...and was still alive

the vote went to the kittens across the 10,000 lakes to decide it's fate...

and on nov. 6 2012... 52.6% of MN kittens...able to vote...said NO!

 WHEW!...half way there...the pinball made it thru the 6th hole

all that was left...was to make it's way to the thru the House floor...

and the hurdle known as Peggy Scott's  passionate plea whine'n on how it will "divide the state" and "not what we need to be doin' right now"...BITCH PUHLEEZ...the only thing that will divide the state is everyone try'n to decide whether or not you should or should not go with Clairol's elephant piss blonde again...and we REALLY don't need to be doin' that right now!

but this was an easy hole to get thru #7

the debate's in the House would continue a lil over 2 hrs...

and with help from these 4 republiCANS who broke rank from their party

 passed the HOUSE with an over whelm'n show of support of  75-59 on may 9th 2013 

the EQUALITY ball kept on track and made it's way thru the 8th hole

next up...the EQUALITY ball would make it's way to the Senate floor...

and with the tension ride'n high on both sides...the 9th hole seemed a bit tricky

but it was another crack in the party lines when...

Senate republiCAN from Andover...Branden Petersen...became the 1st and only member from his party to vote with his conscious and not with his constituents bank account

hole #10 was a great supportive surprise and very much appreciated

after a very tense and long back and forth 4 hour debate...

the EQUALITY ball shot out of the 11th hole...and was passed by the Senate...and the YEA'S prevailed on may 13th 2013

37-30

by tuesday may 14th...i couldn't sleep...no...not because if the fate of the EQUALITY ball...i just couldn't get the damn sheep to jump over the fence thanx to those govermental drug studies i participated in back in the early 90's...so i called into work...and later that day realized i wanted to be part of THEE MOST IMPORTANT HISTORICAL EVENT in my lifetime...

so me...my good friend from high school Karen...her prize from the bottom of her fallopian box...Finn and my new friend Kate...set out fer our covert operation to the steps of the capitol later that afternoon

as i melted under the 97 degree weather...i could feel the EQUALITY ball make'n it's way to the high score hole in the game...some could even say the sprinkler systems in my eyes started to sputter with emotional droplets...
good thing my highly sophisticated non emotional radar...but ever so allure'n...sun glasses...were hold'n my think'n cap in place

not sure how it happened...but we all ended up in the media line to the front of the podium where Govern Dayton would be sign'n HISTORY for MN...

and roughly 30 minutes later...

 we made it thru the 12th  hole...GAME OVER!

the cheers from over 7000 non heterosexual and non homosexual MN kittens who attended as the Govern signed the SAME SEX MARRIAGE bill into law...was deafen'n

the Minne-Apple I-35 bridge was lit up in honor fer ALL those in support for EQUALITY

 our sister city St Paul renamed the Wabasha Bridge...the FREEDOM BRIDGE...fer the week

with the new MN law in effect on august 1st 2013...

 over 2 MILLION more people will now have the right to marry the one they love!

and not only will the non heterosexuals finally be able to marry the one they love...

 they will ALSO ADD a HUGE BOOST to the economy

and fer THOSE CASPER CRUSADERS think'n....

 where do we draw the line?

YOU MUST HAVE A BRAIN?...use it wisely!

now...it's time to update my registry...so get off my dress!



eenny meenny minny oh hell no!

like find'n a needle in a hay stack

a diamond in the rough

or gett'n all the correct lotto numbers in order

it's a rarity that i ever blow my top...

well...unless of course he's used proper hygiene first

so there i was at my gym...LA FITNESS...a couple weeks back...

doin my nightly laps in the whirlpool  work-out routine on the locker room benches  work-out floor

rush'n to get in...and out...and off...

to get my car tire fixed at the mechanics

i stuffed all my valuables...(that ARE NOT attached to me by way of my inception) into a small hole in the wall locker...and after an exhaust'n 30 minute rushed work-out...i had simply fergotten my locker and combo...

as one does when they got a million things goin on in their head...think'n of head...wait...i'm gett'n A HEAD of myself there

let's back it up...just a bit...there ya go...like that!

oops...where was i?...ummm...oh yea

(sorry i have a bit of dickslexia happen'n...why not! it's my story)

so anywho's...as i was try'n to say...i was rush'n outta the gym...and couldn't remember my combo...so i asked the counter guy if i gave him the exact details of all of my contents...could he please open the 20 lockers (though i narrowed the area to about 10 lockers where i thought it might'a been)

well after 15 or so lockers...and no luck gett'n the correct one...he says he can no longer open another locker without a general mangers approval...

HUH?

instead of goin' bat shit on this guy...cuz that never solves A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...

(and you A double snake holes know who you are that give customer service kittens no reason to be polite to you at all!)

so anyways... he went back to the counter to email the GM...

who apparently was MAX HEADROOM!

whatevs!...i just wanted to get my stuff and go...time was a tick'n away

1 minute...2 minutes...5 minutes...NOTHING!

as he kept type'n away...and check'n in the nightly chorus line...my patience was slipp'n away

i could feel my engines spinn'n...ready to shoot outta the mouth gate...

but i put it in park and simply asked if he would like to be served with some fava beans and a nice ciante i could speak with the M.O.D

i now had 10 minutes to get to the other end of town...

which was 15 minutes away...and without move'n from his front counter..he asked some guy...less than 20 feet away...if he could open the lockers

who was this guy you ask?...the GM/M.O.D

are you kidd'n me?...the f*ck'n  GM was less than 20 feet away...

and you had to email him to get his approval?...i wanted to punch this f*cktard in the neck!

of course the GM was no better...as he says...

that they were "super busy all nite give'n out FREE day passes"

ARE YOU F*CK'N KIDD'N?...

i saw you sit at yer desk across from the front counter watch'n...instead of bein' concerned about a current pay'n customer's obvious urgent issue?...of course i had no choice but to tame the beast within me...and i did...via this blog of course!

long story shortened...i could say perhaps they had issues with me...

being' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...but who's to know NOW...it took the GM less than 10 seconds to open the right door...i got my stuff...called the mechanic to wait...who was more than happy to oblige!

which in turn...made me not go ape shit on his ass...in my head or this blog!

for the record...if you want GOOD CAR SERVICE done right and reasonable...may i suggest the MOBIL station off of PENN and Cedar Lake Road...DO NOT call TIRED PLUS RIPOFFS...(at least the uptown location)

the same EXACT job just to change a flat tire? 31 buckaroo's...OR...

60 to ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS?

ok so it wasn't EXACTLY 100 million

 (it was more like 60-160 bux...but it might as well have been a 100 million dolla quote...either case TIRED PLUS RIP-OFFS will NEVER have to worry about me give'n them my bank account...PERIOD!)

the follow'n day i figered it was any experience i would  not have to relive...fer a long time...if ever again...so i decided to take a leisurely sunday drive to...

the BULLSEYE store

aimlessly goin from aisle to aisle...think'n about nutt'n nothin'...comtemplate'n whether or not if  i really needed certain items in my basket...like...

new head clippers

a new pair of dungarees

shower jams and jellies

a new eyeliner

instead...i just left with some stomach fillers...

(ps...i'm not preggers) just items i knew i needed to satisfy my crave'ns

as i made my way to the only open check-out...i needed somethin' else...

a thirst quencher!

as i placed all of my items on the conveyor belt...one by one...watch'n them make their way to the scanner...i see the young cashier swipe'n my items...

1st...the mustard

2nd...the chocolate milk

as my last item came down the conveyor belt...the cashier says...

"sir...can you please scan this item?"

ESQUEEZE ME?

"sir...i cannot scan this item...it is against my religion"

i swore i had too much to drink from the nite before...cuz i thought  i was hear'n double

HUH?

"sir...there is pork in this item...it is against my religion to touch it"

"AGAINST YER RELIGION?"...i said...as i fumbled around my pockets...

look'n fer the keys to my bat shit crazy car

well...in case you haven't heard you CASPER crusade'n cherry pick'n mother f*cker...it's AGAINST my religion to work on sundays...or do someone else's job that i'm not gett'n paid for...or to give 2 sh*ts about what voodoo you do...

on yer own time...i'm f*ck'n hungry...and in NO MOOD to hear about what yer fairytales say you can and cannot do at yer place of employment!

apparently cuz it said there was pork product in my pizza...he could not touch the item...BUT the questionable pork was not exposed where his fingertips would touch it...IN FACT...it was conveniently sealed in plastic 

look...i'm ALL fer the E.O.E and United Colors of Benneton...

and have no problems with whatever people choose to do with their OWN life that means nothing to ME...since THEY mean nothing to me after i leave their register...except that when i'm a pay'n customer...and yer the paid employee...YOU are gett'n paid to DO YER JOB...FOR ME...PERIOD!

you don't like it...then work in another area where you are not exposed to yer fairytale filth!...cuz i can bet you...like most religious voodoo'ers...they're ALL

 conveniently fit'n their "fairytales" laziness...instead of actually THINK'N...before they have to chow down on their own feet!

i scanned the item...and BAGGED it myself...and expect to get paid...

fer my services rendered!

i get enough religious puke from the news...the fairytale thumpers on the streets corners near my work...or the CASPER crusaders that lurk all alone try'n to save yet another soul from burn'n in their delusional pits of fire

but keep yer voodoo stories to yerself...or  you'll be goin' on a wild ride with my spiked tongue!

there it is...a weekend in the life of an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...time fer me to hum my hims...

now get off my dress!