THE GREAT JACKET CAPER

with the autumn equinox already in full swing in the northern hemisphere

at the very least...it's that time of the year once again to pack away all the many mini multi colored macramé pot holders you made fer yer dirty pillows and whatever other unmentionables no one's mention'n about or munch'n on anymore...that you learned how to make at the beginn'n of summer by a group of geriatric gangsta's use'n "HOW MANY LICKS" by LIL KIM as their loop song who took over the social media platforms and terrorized teenie beanie tik tok'ers everywhere that were try'na make bank so they can put a hit out on their babysitter

well kittens...it's time to wrap it up!

as i began shift'n my closet collection from colorful culottes to tacky khaki 

carhartt's fer mother nature's impend'n madness into mayhem and schedule'n my annual tauntaun tune up...i remembered it was roughly 7 years ago that i nearly lost my freedom cuz i was about to go ape-shit Annie on some asswipe who 5 finger discounted my all time fav-o-rit winter wrap at some seedy downtown water'n hole and fergot to do a follow-up fer you kittens...

BUTT wait

just in case yer new here...perhaps you need a better understand'n of the 

entire situation i hadda suffer thru...however if you already suffered thru this tragedy once before when i first reported it...is it really gonna kill ya to suffer thru it ONE MORE FUCK'N TIME? (sorry the caps stuck...now yer stuck...so lemme continue puhleez!) 

how can i say this delicately?...ummm...i cant...so i'm just gonna say it....

SOME PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N WHORES!

i was enjoy'n a perfectly slightly intoxicate'n nite out with a non sexual friend of mine this particular weekend...when i ran into another...perhaps maybe...a sexual friend down the road when there's nothing better to do...and we decided to hit the dance floor and show the instant oatmeal

generation how it's done...as we were gett'n hot and heavy into the beat of the thump'n music under the pulsate'n lights...i removed my dignity winter jacket that i have cherished for over 20 years and gave it to my non sexual friend to hold on to...

well after 10 or so minutes...i was done sweat'n it out and was ready to bounce and sure enough so did my non sexual friend apparently...eventually i found a ride home assume'n he was kind enough to bring my prized jacket home with him and i would get it the next day or so...or so i thought...

when he texted me the follow'n day to say he didn't bring it home with him...i of course turned into some sorta medieval axe wield'n homocider maniac and drank a whole 6 pack of crisp apple flavored energy drinks to calm my nerves and seriously...i needed to be sedated at this point!

ultimately i know it was MY responsibility to look after MY own shit...so seriously save the speeches...but that don't give SOME ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N WHORE the right to own 

a part of my history just so they can look "cool"...of course i did what ANY insane unrational person would do in a situation like this and popped a pearl necklace on the neighbor (well it had already been 2 weeks kittens)

and contacted the local piss hole i was at that fateful nite and once i had alerted the staff at the bar of the atrocity i had encountered

i then proceeded to contact the boys in blue...

the FBI...

the CIA...

the CSI...

DOG the BOUNTY HUNTER...

JESSICA FLETCHER...

and last Pizza LUCE' 

(hey this is hard work...i needed to keep my strength up)

we began by sett'n up an all point's bulletin for the tri-state area...called in 

an amber alert...though apparently i couldn't do that...well cuz an actual child had to have been wear'n my jacket at the time...so i said FUCK IT! and faxed the airport fer any out bound flights that may have been seen leave'n the country with my precious precious jacket

and i also mobilized the troops!

here are the only pictures in existence to this ancient early 90's artifact...

my very dear dear friend PEETRINELLA is to the left...me in said stolen jacket is to the right!

notice how the jacket just sets off the entire look...without the jacket...my almost impossibly "cool" factor is completely kaput!

this is the last known picture take'n by my friend on that fateful late nite...

as i went to the lil wrangler's room to powder my nose...thankfully he was stare'n at my hot bubble A double snakes that i worked hard on fer the past 6 years...in the back of the jacket in bold letters across the bottom says "PORN STAR" (hey ya did 10 movies...ya got a free coat) ummm insert proverbial comic relief here (i only did one) above that font is a blue circle and inside said circle is a red star and inside said star is a silhouette of a presumably nekid woman...so in cuntclusion just imagine if you will...

LINUS without his blanket...

PEE WEE without his bike...

hell...MINNIE PEARL without her goin rate hang'n from her hat!

IT JUST DON'T MAKE NO SENSE!

i am a very rational and fergive'n person and i would hope the person

or persons involved in this heinous jacket-napp'n would do the right thing after they realized it doesn't fit them at all and simply return it to the bar mgr. where there will be NO QUESTIONS ASKED and trust me ALL WOULD BE forgive'n...alas if you decide you just can't bare to part with said jacket i will place a curse on you fer every minute you are still breath'n and roam'n this earth

and hope an army of mongolian piss ants invade yer anal entrance...cause'n you thee most unimaginable bowel movements you've ever experienced in yer life and just so u know...i've already put a call into the White House and i'm almost 100% not positive...

that OBAMA had not agreed to add this incident into his state of the union speech...

even the QUEEN apparently had decided to lower the flag at Buckingham palace (gimme a break...i'm reminisce'n and durin' this time Liz was still sipp'n her earl grey and still the #1 suspect in that 97' incident involve'n her then daughter-n-law so point yer fingers where they belong)

i am plead'n with my legions of kittens all around the world...if you ever 

wanted to find a reason to protest fer the injustice that has happened in this mad world especially cuz well it has happened TO ME...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...THIS IS IT!!! stand up in unity...contacted yer congressmen...call yer clergymen...

a simple candle light vigil would show you really cared...wouldn't it?

and perhaps CELINE DION could break down and weep while sing'n some sorrowful hymn durin' her Vegas run

seriously...you don't want me to contact the gay mafia cuz i'm tell'n ya now

it won't end pretty!

well...i'm happy to report that after a very long 69 hrs in the 69 position

3 jalapeño martini breakdowns (thanx to a couple of expired quaaludes) and a phone number fer a good therapist i got from my therapist...i was once again finally reunited with my precious precious jacket without have'n to lose  my religion or my rectal rollercoaster on anyone and we've been PEACHES & HERB'n it every autumn equinox since... 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CHOKE ON THIS!

ever since the very first time you were forced into the locker room showers

after ping pong practice...whether you had a gash or a garden hose...every teenrager examined everybody's body around them simply outta "whore-moanal" curiosity and noticed how some just didn't measure up...while others looked like the missing link...and then there was that one that was just a bloody mess!

well...those with all the lady parts (insert vomit here) yer on yer own kittens

i ain't ever try'na capture myself a cuntasaurus anytime soon...GAWD NO!! (even if some of you do make a delicious quiche lorraine) this is fer all those bent gents who just don't seem to "measure up" (in their minds) so here's the deal dudes and dipshits...i recently stumbled across a dickumentary on TUBI the other nite...

about some non homosexualized unfashionable fairly decent dick fer brains look'n like a bitch bragg'n about his bite size almond joy while whine'n about bein' down on his luck in the fuck department all cuz his "pole position" wasn't able to fulfill the tanks of the skanks he was bang'n so he traveled to the ends of the earth to solve his short cumm'ns...goin to whatever "lengths" he had to...try'n everything from popp'n pills...pump'n his prune...lift'n weights with his willy to inject'n his insecurity by any means necessary all just to get a gash to gush over him!

then it made me think about about that "micro management" i had once

met at some smoke filled non hetero drink'n establishment in the downtown Minne-Apple area back in '93 that my "friend" was all over one nite and as a general rule (with relaxed restrictions of course) i kept my hands to myself no matter how attractive i might've found the anal prober...however when we went back to said micro manager's apartment i noticed him throw out the proverbial compliment at my "friend" like a dog begg'n fer a bone in regards to his hair (which i can freely admit...he did have really great hair...include'n a half-baked conceded attitude garnished with a little side of bitters) 

nonetheless i could obviously tell he had more interest in use'n his not so subtle jedi mind tricks on me to remove my raspberry colored culottes that were very much in at the time...

so all bets were off at that point...hey...i was only 23 (my "whore-moans" were race'n as if they were in the Indy 500) and said "friend" had dumped me a few months earlier fer not bein into STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE like him...puleez...from what i could remember i got off scot free cuz you could run the Macy's day parade between his legs plus he was barely work'n with a mouthful anyways and by that particular moment in time i was all about gett'n my tonsils tickled and learn'n the art of breath'n thru my nose

BUTT i digress!

we'd set up a dinner and movie nite to meet about 3 days later at his place

i'm happy to report that he was the perfect hostess too! he even took the initiative to ask me what my fav-o-rit stomach fillers were and by the time i had arrived he had each and every one of them laid out in a succulent succession obscured only by a few tapered candles in taupe...it was a feast made from a kings ransom fer this HUNGry pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe queen...

and as if the nite couldn't get any better...my savory suitor (who was roughly 10 years my senior) topped off our enchant'n even'n (though my bottoms were still on) with a flute glass full of some shitty champagne swill that i "accidentally" spilled down the tidy bowl as i dipped into the loo to reapply my bonnie bell lip smacker before we adjourned to his hideaway bed in the live'n room which was remarkably open...

as he slyly reached over my danger zone i would catch a sample of his woodsy paco rabanne molest'n the side of his neck as he popped in the hottest VHS title from TIDAL WAVE that i was work'n at part time at this time "HOME ALONE 2" which some could've interpreted as some sorta sublimable sign i suppose since we were the only 2 at his home

 

after the movie ended he leaned over and lit a couple of jasmine scented 

candles with a hint of some aphrodisiatic spice to spice up the ambiance as Burt Bacharach echoed softly in the air...why not! suddenly i thought i'd need to call an ambulance fer a defibrillator cuz my heart was all a flutter skipp'n a beat or two as he slipped down my corduroy culottes to cross over to my danger zone and eventually i figured i'd return the favor...

alas...it was as if i was send'n out my fingers on a search and recover mission...his money maker wasn't worth a king's ransom at all...it was more like an I.O.U post-it note from his maker...it felt as if the Kevin character had somehow astro projected his twig and berries into my date's body and sadly (fer me) i had surmised that i was about to sleep with Macaulay himself...and i'm sorry but i'm just not that into play'n with pinky playgrounds on a first date period!

why did he force me into putt'n on my judgemental judy robe so early?

if we dated fer a bit...perhaps his wood (or lack of) wouldn't have made much of a diff...M-A-Y-B-E...sadly...my biological clock was tick'n at 23 and i didn't wanna get pegged as some pedo pleaser

eventually i dated someone with penile denial issues fer about 4 1/2 years 

about 4 1/2 years later and to be quite honest it didn't bother me in the slightest though he always threw it in my face...hypothetically speak'n of course cuz literally i threw it in his face whenever he wanted it...unfortunately so did everyone else when i was outta town...until one day he went out to purchase a pump of his very own to shun me...regrettably...it only made it look like a blood sausage 

trapped in a scientifically tested plastic tube fer the "VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR" try-outs though the second he released his "stretch arm strong" from the self imposed suction cage it would return to some congealed gelatinous cockadooddledon't...size only matters if you make it matter and as a matter of fact...it ain't better fer those at the other end of the spectrum either

jump rope cock is only worth if it stands at attention and works...cuz 

most of the time the only thing it can do is lay there like laffy taffy that you can tie in a granny knot or throw over yer shoulder and burp it 

in the end not everyone is a throat plunger not everyone is a tooth chipper

there are no magic beans or plausible pumps to build up yer self esteem if you happen to be born with a morsel instead of a mouthful without surgery and even then you might end up with some science project prick so is it really worth it?

the immoral majority's average size is a total of 5.16 inches solid fer the

 Al Bundy's of the world and 5.66 fer the George Jefferson's of the world...so if yer insecurities are gett'n the better of you in the bedroom and make'n you feel like a dud instead of a stud...quit watch'n gay porn in between Super Bowl commercial breaks!

perhaps pick up a new language and take a trip to the orient...then watch as yer average turns into enormous!

you just have'ta work with what ya got with someone who will work it out 

 fer you...the JOHNNY HOLMES's and the JEFF STRYKER's of the world are only in the simple mynute fraction of the minority...however...that don't mean you can't eat yer carrots and corn every now and then!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!