A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 3

picture it kittens...it's now 2023 and we were totally emersed in the PINK!

and by that i don't mean 2 in the *BLANK* and 1 in the *BLANK* (insert vomit here) of course i'm speak'n of MARGOT ROBBIE's portrayal of the I-C-O-N-I-C-C-C-C doll (hold on a sec...can someone puhleez get my good friend Nicole read'n this a paper bag cuz she's hyperventilate'n from laugh'n hysterically and just carry on with the blog? i can hear you from my commode!) in the "BARBIE" flick which was the #1 movie fer 4 weeks in a row and took in over a very mind blow'n 1 billion dollars...make'n it Warner Brothers highest gross'n film ever in it's 100 year history

and ps...the O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L single "BARBIE GIRL" released in 1997 by danish/norwegians AQUA hands down is a gazillion times more catchy than that crapolla yeast infection of a remake they shoved down our throats in the movie (that's just a simple fact Z'ers...deal wit it!)

BRENDA MAE TARPLEY known to the world simply as BRENDA LEE

recorded the famous xmas jingle "ROCK'N AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" in 1958 however it would take BRENDA at the age of 79 to not only become the oldest to have a hit on the billboard hot 100 charts but also the 1st musical artist to ever enter the charts with a number 1 song she had recorded 65 years earlier

and just as the critically acclaimed series about the malicious monarchy 

" THE CROWN" comes to a dramatic end after 6 breath take'n and brilliantly acted sensationally scandalous seasons deal'n with the ins and outs over the decades of the most famous royal family of our times...

so to does this blog of thee most famously unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after 13 breath take'n and brilliantly penned sensationally scandalous years (what perfect time'n huh!) deal'n with my own ins and outs over the years (more on that after these important messages)

BUTT fer the last time...click here fer pt 1 and click here fer pt 2

10 years later and ankles deep into my metamucil years i would wake up 

in the middle of the nite from a narcoleptic nap on the lanai and turned on my cell to chat amongst the sea of throat plungers and anal annie's online only to find a message from a potential prodicktion company once again (can you imagine...at my advanced age?) offer'n me an offer i shouldn't refuse (the follow'n is the actual "offer" i received...the pictorial content has been edited...hey there are lil kittens read'n this durin' storytime pervie's)

along with his credentials...cuz why not!

WOW! you mean all i have to do is enter my platinum Pamida credit card

 information into yer "link" fer a one time payment then yer banana will be splitt'n me in 2 and you'll actually PAY ME afterwards fer gape'n my chili pipeline?

well lemme tell you i considered his very "generous" offer H-O-W-E-V-E-R

 i wasn't born yesterday...as hot as my midnite cowboy may have looked...i hadda pretty good sneak'n suspicion that my dreamy dalliance was most likely a slovakian hot dog vendor named Akeem contact'n me from a call center in Jakarta think'n he had roped in some cataract slut so i sent him a simple rebuttal and just to make sure that there was zero conclusion as to where i was cumm'n from...

i made my pole position unrefutably KRYSTAL KLEER as how to contact me...

unfortunately...5 minutes later...my account (as well as my dignity) was completely blocked from any further contact with my manwich meal ticket...that's all!

to say this has been a journey is a total understatement...i began down

this road 13 unlucky years ago with my random weekly muse'ns (thanks to my friend Karen's advice) as just a simple amuse'n dive'n board to promote my 1st ever attempt at write'n my very 1st ever EBT budgeted stage production under my very own dimly lit spotlight fer a change to get some spare change fer my piggy wiggly bank (thanks to my friend Mary's advice) which incidentally had mentally and financially put me in a hole deeper than any of my X's oddly enough

H-O-W-E-V-E-R with a new chapter of my life finally beginn'n shortly this

ain't goodbye fer good (just bye fer now and that's good!) 

in short i've been work'n on chapters fer a physical hard cover version of

 my words of tacky and tawdry whimsical wisdom fer the past 2 years and try'na wrap it up so you can wrap it up and put it under someone's tacky tinseled tree at this time next year... 

plus here's hope'n my sometimes saucy though mostly twisted thoughts can turn into some sorta money make'n machine fer me (who knows) so cross yer heart bra's...

fer the simple reason that i gotta move outta my quaint lil shithole of 13 years and into my dream shithole trailer...cuz WHY NOT! (stay tuned)

and just like that geographical hit from that snappy and sensible songbird

from the 60's LYNN ANDERSON sing’n "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" i truly have been everywhere…bein’ read around the world since this blog's incredible inception offer'n free advice and frivolous anecdotes from the back alley abortion clinics in Boise to the desolate depravities live’n on the Siberian deserts

i've hoped i'd made you laugh just a lil...i've hoped i'd made you cry just a

lil...i've hoped i'd made you broaden yer horizons just a lil...i've even hoped i'd made you ferget about yer own miserable life fer a just a lil and focus just a lil more on mine but mostly... 

i hope you just GET OFF MY DRESS!

A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 2

picture it kittens...the year was 1992 and ALLEY SHEEDY was act'n all

kinds of shady towards BRIDGET FONDA in the intense roommate from hell chiller thriller "SINGLE WHITE FEMALE"

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts with her

haunt'n melancholy ballad "THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND" which was the theme song from the movie "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" that incidentally could'a totally been the theme song to my very own epitaph i was currently immersed in at the moment

KIMBERY SHAW's multiple personalities were cause'n all kinds of chaos

on the set of "MELROSE PLACE" (to which i could totally relate to as well at the time) so click here fer a ticket to the catch-up train with pt 1 in order to understand this now very plausible conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!

once inside i was told to hang my coat and cap up and to make myself

uncomfortable on his couch while he went to open the bedroom door behind me when all of a sudden i felt like i was Gulliver on the wrong travels as i was viciously attacked by an army of about 13 kittens followed by my body experience'n some sorta anaphylactic shock all of a sudden from the ammonia permeate'n from the kitty boxes in his boudoir then JABBA would suspiciously pop his head out from behind the bedroom door ask'n me a simple question...

"do you know who CHI CHI LaRue is?" 

sounded like some sorta vicious venereal disease i really wanted no part 

of though apparently i was wrong when my hefty hemorrhoided homemaker informed me that he was indeed the titillated talent scout fer LaRude's throat plunge'n prodicktion company and had informed me that i would be the perfect corn fed fucker fer her next dick flick as he so non discretely pushed play on his vcr with his remote he pulled from his back britches fer the nites visual "educational" entertainment then proceeded to gingerly pop into his kitchen thus return'n with a smarmy smirk plastered across his mug as well as an obscene offer fer me...

"i don't have much money but here's $15 and 2 cans of diet coke if you jack off to this movie with me?" (and yes...sadly that is a direct quote) 

although i was at a very impressionable age...i was not that impressed 

with his offer to which i swiftly and snarkly of course responded "i don't even like diet coke" (nor was i totally brain dead either) the only talent this diabetic scout worked fer was the tidy bowl on taco tuesday's durin' the all-u-can eat nite at el burrito's

needless to say...i was not a very good escort at negotiations as i was  so

unceremoniously escorted out of his abhorrent petri dish of a pink eye'd pad at 3 am fer not comply'n to his demented demands and thus had to subsequently walk 7 miles thru the blister'n tundra of Hoth to the wait'n room of the downtown hennepin county hospital and waited there fer 3 more hours where i was luckily hired come interview time at 7am

BUTT...there's more...

20 years would go by before i was offered yet another role into the adult

entertainment biz when i answered an ad fer a couple on craigslist one lazy afternoon that was look'n fer a photographer to do a saucy shootie toot toot fer their 5 year anniversary together however when i arrived to the address i was give'n (which was not yer average prom participants at some no tell motel to my surprise) 

cuz my couple turned out to be a couple of beefy tooth chippers (also to my surprise) stay'n at some fancy schmancy motel 6 adjacent upgrade...oh and i was also surprised when they asked me to personally BRIAN DE PALMA this throat plunge'n production instead and since i had never filmed anyone before (at this point in time) i said i would forgo my fee (like an idiot of course)

i just requested a signal in order to lemme know when the "money shot" happens so i can zoom in (from what i've seen in past productions) though eventually these steroided butt pirates needed my "ASSistance" to which i said that it would put this charade parade into "post prodicktion" and therefore i would have to charge them double over time

45 minutes later...i would leave with my dignity still in tact as they were

 diligently wipe'n their dignity off the remote control and tv screen (don't ask!) nonetheless...i am now eligible to become a member of the directors guild of america at the very least (i believe) so i've updated my resume to reflect my experience...

ummm COLIN FARRELL (i know yer read'n this...i mean...why wouldn't you be?) you can be expect'n a call from my people soon...i think i have the perfect role fer you!

well just when ya thought it was all ova kittens...i decide...I DECIDE!

tune in next week fer pt 3 of A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 1

picture it kittens...it's 1982 and a saucied aussie OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN 

was make'n our heart rate beat faster than a priest's on a playground...force'n us to shake our money makers (with a bit of a sexual undertone) as she was race'n up the charts with her soak'n in swamp ass smash ditty "PHYSICAL"

DOLLY PARTON was the sizzle'n up the screens as the sexually charged

 madame and proprietor MONA STANGLEY from "THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS"

and i had just witnessed my very 1st porno at the tender and very supple 

age of 12 with a couple of my sibs at my cuz's bungalow he shared with his 3 buddies on the other side of the chain linked fence we shared from our back yard and though i was perplexed by all the blatant bull balls bang'n the beaver's dam...well...to say i was absolutely G-O-B-S-M-A-C-K-E-D is an understatement!! no...not cuz they were doin the "dirty birdy" (OH NO!) i knew right then that i wanted to do this as a profession once i was of legal age...

well except in my premiere it would be minus all those dirty pillows...

and that psychotic soul suck'n sarlacc pit hide'n behind their gloria vanderbilt pedal pushers of course!

my under developed though overly stimulated mind was wonder'n why in

the H-E-double hockey stix was that XY chromozoned hottie with the carpeted chest and "exposed wood" would have ANY possible interest in nibble'n on that rack of those pendulously uttered XX chromozone or claw'n at their kitty litter box...it all seemed sooo cumpletely unnatural and manipulated (much like most religions) to me even at that early of an age! 

BUTT (eventually)

i would later come to accept those who had decided to continue down that

path of unconscionable conduct of corrupt cunnilingus (while i yearned fer a life of casual catastrophic cockilingus) and by the time i was 22 (in '92) i was out one casual bleak winter week nite at the local homoless water'n hole where i was hope'n to find a place to crash fer the nite since i hadda transport my plump pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes up from Winona...

with a handful of GRIZZLY ADAMS look'n girocks on the greyhound fer an interview in the morn'n to become a drug bunny fer the government with no spare change to my name

through no fault of my own...i would only have to bat my irish eyes once 

and within milliseconds i would soon be greeted by a chilled bottle of heineken from the bartender simply known as DOC (that everyone absolutely adored) gifted to me by a secret admirer (who apparently wanted to remain anonymous when i inquired) 

minutes later as i casually scanned the room to try and figer out just who

my cautious casanova was...i would be approached by 2 meat n potato meals on wheels almost double my age (hey...no finger point'n...i'm an equal opportunity on-licker...i mean looker) one had enough beef to break me in half...

while the other one would'a required me to send out a search and rescue mission to find the beef!

as close'n time came a come'n...i was gett'n closer to come'n to their

decision hopefully as to where i'd be plugg'n in my hot curlers before i came that nite so once the house lights came up...most of the STD's had scattered like cockroaches on karaoke nite and i was offered a "ride" to who knows where 

without give'n it a second thought...i had jumped into the back of some 

random mystery machine in the alley across the street and soon realized at that very moment that i was practically invite'n myself to be on the next episode of my very own special episode of "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" (i know...HUSH! i was desperate fer a place to crash that nite)

luckily fer me...i would soon be at their residence in uptown still all in tact

in fact i was ever so thankful that i was not asked to lather myself up in some non hypoallergenic lotion like that Catherine Martin chick had to cuz really all i wanted to do at that point of the nite was to crash on a warm couch...

as Mr. Snow Miser was tap dance'n on my nose and toes after bein' a bit tuned up and i was so ready to be tuned out...instead i was told to wait out in the icebox on wheels while they apparently "discussed' the sleep'n arrangements inside...

and i'm purdy sure by now yer ask'n yerself at this juncture in this story...WHY IN THE FIDDLERS FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST GET OUTTA THE DAMN VAN?

minutes later JABBA would emerge inform'n me that "Arnold" was not 

interested in host'n anyone fer the nite (hmmm...could'a fooled me since he bought all of the beers fer me) in either case...i didn't care at this point since it was now 2 am and i had been awake fer 24 hrs and though i know he thought i was gonna be his cuddle bunny fer the nite...i was ready to sleep in the snowbank than go back to his dungeon of impend'n doom nonetheless i gave into my own fate and reluctantly we reached his apt a few blocks away

well that's all fer this week kittens...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n

 conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!