the snatch game

there are many many many methods of madness...

thee elusively exclusive single non heterosexual...myself included... must endure to find that perfect void filler fer the nite...only cuz their too lazy to commit suicide...or at the very least...fer the next 5 minutes until yer ACTUAL friends decide to trot their A double snakes over and pick yer perky A double snakes up fer a nite of regret by morn'n!

though it may seem demean'n...it's the world we live in...

us single gentle"laydee's" and not so gentle"laydee's"...have been reduced to sell'n ourselves like a well worn out used car to the highest low life you can find on line...under subtle hastags that suit you best like... #polesmoker...#buttpirate...#salamismacker...#onemansodomandgomorrah #ignorantincubus...#acheapwhore or #THROATPLUNGER...
just to get noticed these days

their is no more inter"action" anymore for the most part...it's just cheap...

enter"pain"ment to pass the time on line...it's like a Baskin Robbins of sexual frustration...many savory flavors to pick from...that YOU or THEY will just...most likely...take a taste test from with colorful verbiage and pictures...but eventually end up pass'n them up just cuz ya don't feel like waste'n yer gas fer some supposed hot ass...plus...there's a better flavor within walk'n distance that'll never show up anyways

in prehistoric times...caveman would dress up in their sunday best on a friday nite and head out to the local diner to share a brontosaurus burger and head home and pound it out til the stegosaurus's came home

 by the 1800's...it was all about the size of yer hat that really impressed yer slutty suitor

in the 1900's...it was best to wear match'n outfits in case you were caught chipp'n yer date's teeth by some treacherous non homosexual...you could get away with say'n that you were just play'n doctor with yer twin brother...
(oh those tricky lil knob jockeys) 

once the 70's rolled around...the sun would set as you roller skated to the closet Donna Summer discotheque...while display'n the correct color coded hanky in yer back pocket in order to find that perfect fancy fruitcaker taker that you were in the mood for that even'n...or just fer a simply quick afternoon delight

in the decadent 80's...it was all about tight shorts and pricey escorts...

and though it was the rise of QUEEN M...

it was also unfortunately the rise of AIDS...which meant you had to rethink yer animalistic instincts and wrap yer willy in rubber...porn was yer safest go to...to go to...to bust yer nut...so you would be invited over to yer friends and have an old fashioned ball buster party in the storage space above their parents garage...spank'n it while flipp'n thru their dad's back issues of Beaver Hut magazine
 (but secretly...you were just there fer the salami sword fights)

though the 90's were dominated by ritual bathers grunge...

playtime consisted of  phone line fantasies...sidewalk sales and park'n lot predators...though i would turn down 99% of the participants (the margin of error of course is plus or minus 2-20)...only cuz i didn't need another reason to have the doctor prescribe me a cure that would take 3 to 4 weeks to cure...so instead...i opted fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...by stroll'n fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park...fer a ride home...cuz i was too tired to walk

and don't you whores start point'n fingers...i wasn't there alone

once the millennium came out...everyone was come'n out...

i fer one...was satisfied eat'n fer one on one fer a change...fer some change...not once...not twice...and by the third time...i knew i no longer wanted to be a laydee of the nite...cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after breath mints i picked up from the nite before

now with everything bein' built on mistrust or absolute disgust...

from blurred and/or photochopped pix...most are just absolute on-line dicks with no pricks (hey everyone has their weakness) and it's become harder and harder...(and still without the use of a lil blue pill i might add)...to be bothered waste'n yer time or space to get yer "skyrocket in flight"

listen...i have no problems with relationships...i've had my share...BUT...

(and trust me...there always is one) 

even though i'm still "living for love"...i've done my charity work fer the time bein' with the last socially retarded...chemically dependent...emotionally unavailable but incredibly attractive and very loveable mo' i was with...and regardless of all the hoops and fruit loops i'll have to encounter along the way to find "the one" in the distant future...which in all seriousness...

is about as real as the unicorn...i'll do it all over again...someday!

but let's be real kittens...no self respect'n...self indulgent hussy...from twink to twi-lite years...wants to should have to be bobb'n fer blue balls in the steam room on a friday nite...while yer still hope'n to find that perfect #1...that isn't completely full of #2

who knows how the future of fantastic fornications will play out...

but i fer one...plan on participate'n!

now get off my dress!

it's all goin down south

sorry about bein a day late...but it was presidents day after all...

so i did my bast way to honor the ol' bastards

with the award season already in full swing...

i figured it was time to dust off my hernia heels and febreeze my regret in a simple full length blood clot table runner by Issey Miyake...made from 100% pure silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children...notice how the barely exisitant waistline exposes my ample and perky A double snakes

 hey M ain't the only one who can pull it of...you got it...YOU FLAUNT IT!

and since i'm on the subject of M...

though her music has had a bit of an incontinence issue a couple of months back just cuz of some fucktard decided he would rather not pay fer 3 square meals and rent on his own...M blew the competition outta the water at the GRAMMY's last week with that exit!

with the globes over and the 87th annual oscars right around the corner...

i figered it was time to honor those worthy of a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win...and WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the members of ISIS

 the limo's are pull'n up...so let's see who's made the cut this year...

of course leave it to Kanye to make an A double snake of himself...

is anyone surprised really these days?...i'd like to say i'm surprised...

but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore...his baloney has a first name...and it's Kim...hello...mr. narcissist spotlight hog...there's a room all ready fer ya in desperadoville fer you and that Kankersoreus cling'n on to the spotlight

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford

and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer rush'n the stage during BECK's much deserved grammy win...sit yer ass down fool!

wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?

yer so cute and pokeable

wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those yugoslavian children do such 

impeccable work...dont'cha think?...there...now i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?...you'll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?

oops...my bad...it's  presimental winn'n loser Mike Huckabee...

UGH!...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board...and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...the show's about to begin

welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards

tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia...

cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!

let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n

Kim Kankersaurus...
oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to ya kittens...over exposure is not a good thing...oh well...move'n on

and the nominees are :

Floridian republicant senator Marco Rubio...

that i'll even admit under the right mood light'n...is somewhat sorta kinda hot...

 in a Jamie Brewer kinda way...but with alot less brain cells...and no hope fer the Florida's future

fer waste'n time and tax payers benjamins on a very insanely lost battle

hello?...Marco! Polo!...heed some simple advice from Jon Stewart

judges in the greatest banjo bang'n state of cross breed'n...

fer defy'n the law set up by them thar damn yankees in them thar black table clothes... 

eternally constipated chief justice A double snake hole Roy Moore fer not allow'n ANY ALABAMMERS with a chromo-homo-zone the right to marry...even if it's to yer own kin folk

just a hop...skip and moon shine still away...

past thee ol oak tree up on holler crick ridge in Arkansas...where they believe "hangman" is now the politically correct term to use instead of "lynch'n"...to get away from all those unconscionable stereo types of the yester years...by fire'n ya based on yer usage of base...lip gloss and eyeliner

those bed sheet boogie men clowns from Mississippi..

fer gitt'n their testicles in a twist over the equality law passed in their neighbors yard...but really was there EVER a time that they weren't absolute fucktards?

hmmm...politicians and the lack of a good dental plan seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year...oh well what'dya do?...on with the show kittens...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

Mike Huckleberry Finn...fer his real reason'n why non-heterosexuals should not marry

WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...

you make Deputy Cletus seem like a reliable presidential candidate!

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public

and start wave'n it around like some light saber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that don't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 5th annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their skanky bitches...

take these words of wisdom from the all mighty incontinent crypt keeper himself

and just let it go!

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n

then you should take another guess...

cuz if you think that yer unscathable...

well then...you betta get off my dress!

numb...yo...ho...go...blo my horn!

i've always wanted to ride around the midnite skies on a broomstick...

half that wish came true...now if i can only learn how to fly...HA!

to be part of some sorta coven of cackle'n colostomy carry'n tea drinkers

one of my all time fav-or-it shows i used to watch as a small child when i would visit my grama’s house dealt with cast'n spells and conjuration...

and i ain't talk'n about that piece of refried crap-o-rama version...

that the new millennium non verbal communicative generation was shown

no...i'm talk'n about the original television series from the 60's

starr’n Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens…

the perfect suburban housewife…who just happens to be a witch!

and her flamboyantly colorful spit-fire of a mother...Endora

with her flame red locks...electric blue shadow and egyptian eyeliner...no self indoctrinate'n queen over the age of 80's Molly Ringwaldness would live without when they wanted to camp it up fer the nite

and how could you ferget the lilest witch of them all…Tabitha

the original Olsen Twin 

(don’t feel like a total anal wart…i only found out Tabitha was played by twins while doin' research fer this very important and extremely educational blog)

then of course there were those 3 bad ass witches from Eastwick

but the most famous of all would be the bitchiest witchiest from the west

and her sugar plum saccharinated schoolmate from the northside of town

the QUEEN even played the stylish witch Elspeth in the movie "Four Rooms"

of course who didn't love the self centered SUPREME on AHS...

while all these super natural sisters possess some sorta super natural hocus pocus powers with the twitch of their nose or the zing of their fingers...there was that one period of time during the 1600's...

when it wasn't really in vogue fer them if they were accused of being one

but none of these lovely ladies compares to the hocus pocus i experienced myself a while ago back on a pilgrimage to an open house that i went to...

and before i begin…this is a TOTAL observation on my part…from MY point of view as an innocent on liquor…i mean on looker…at a bullshit BUDDHIST gather'n

but trust me…i’d wish i was on liquor half way thru this rodeo show!

now Buddhism and Hinduism are sorta a cross stitch religion that seek the wisdom more than the worship...but i ain't got time to break them down separately...so feel free to wikipedia yer ass away anytime ya want!

to begin...traditionally...a buddhist monk is rapped in like 300 count orange bed sheets from some sorta bed bath and beyond buddha shop...

with a very closed cropped hair style...to cut down on the shampoo bill

to get a better picture in yer mind...think Sinead O'connor...

but with alot less grammy nominations

they have a good eye for the use of bright and cheerful colors...

unlike that other store bought religion that's more torturous on the eyes

but if ya ask me…it’s just like that imaginary pillow factory in the sky that the other religion believes in…only yer on some kinda hocus pocus acid trip

when ya boil em all down in the big melt'n pot of life though…

they basically all just say’n be NICE to everyone!

so of course who hasn't heard of the Tibetan BUDDHA...

(if ya haven't...this is it folks)

then there's KRISHNA...the most popular well known of the Hindu g*ds

think they might have a copyright infridgment lawsuit againt these guys...

pretty much the same look...but with alot less drag

then there's Hanuman...the monkey g*d...

who i'm sure had somethin' to do with make'n these monkeys...

into a very popular franchise since the 60's

and my fav-o-rit of all g*ds...is VIRAT SWARUPA...

it's like a poo-poo platter of personalities!

wasn't Sally Fields portrayal of this one to perfection?

so anywho as i was say'n...i sat thru my 1st session a while back...

(cuz there was no one interest'n in the area)

with a bunch of monks and burbanite raisin rancher…humm'n and humm'n some hocus pocus chant from some unreadable comic book (shocker!)

when i realized they just sounded like a bunch of gereatrics...

try'n to jump start a jeep parade

then throw in the occasional dinner bell...

which i read no indication in the comic book i couldn't fuck'n understand nor follow in the first place...about when the ring'n of the dinner bell should occur

and you got a very underground version of the Tabernacle Choir...but trust me...the Tabernacle Choir doesn't have to worry about gett'n voted off on the next season of "chant"n with the religious stars" anytime soon

as one of the zombies…i mean chanter's…(and this i cannot confirm nor deny since i chose not to partake in this ritual) passed out some sorta grits and bacon bits to the unmalnourished flock…(GEEZ…what am i think'n) i mean the starve'n space cadets…i’m think’n…i'da wished i hadda V8...

with some stoli in it!...and no where in the program does it state that you are to eat only half…and give the rest as an offer'n to fill the Buddha's belly

now here me out… wouldn't it be more prudent…and far more practical…time wise let's say…if this REALLY needs to be part of the gong show…(i mean ceremonial festivities)…to only let the catatonic crowd take what they need to devour…and leave the rest for the sacrificialess ceremony?

cuz trust me…fer us new comers forced into this atmosphere under false pretenses or those who've gathered cuz they have no clue what to do with themselves religiously…you see someone come’n at you with a plate of…

twigs and berries…i’m sorry…but g*d or no g*d...it's hungry hungry hippo time at this point of the game…let the g*d find his or her own table scraps…i was hungry!

and apparently so was the one sitt'n next to me…cuz when the waiter came

back fer the offer’n…there was none to be had...ummm…sorry charlie!

half the congregation at this point had no clue what page everyone was on after the ceremonial offer'n of the table scraps...and i no longer had zero interest in partake'n in this hocus pocus focus group anymore…and my prayer was answered when someone came in behind me and i generously offered up my seat and made a b-line back to reality

now i may sound like i got a stick up my Vishnu...

but hey……ya never get a second chance to make a first impression...

well…unless of course yer Pete Burns from "you spin me around" fame

but to my credit....i sorta had already dabbled in this once before...
when Boy George was inspired by the hari krishna's and Buddha

back in the early 90's with his short lived band JESUS LOVES YOU

and wrote a complete album of songs with the tambourine players in mind

called "THE MARTYR MANTRAS"..."BOW DOWN MISTER" was sorta the top 10 long distance dedication to the religion

but unlike most organized religions look'n fer hand-outs…from my quick classes via wikipedia…this is the one that seems less about condemn'n non heterosexual man on non heterosexual man action …say'n that ALL sexual gratification will not lead you to the "path of enlightenment"…which is where apparently they wanna go in their next life

upon further exploration though...turns out that the reign’n Dali Lama...

who soon will be reliquish'n his crown…stands by the traditional Buddhists rules about sexuality

that the 69 position...

butt pirate'n...

and shillelagh schlack'n...is forbidden by ANYONE!

well…that leaves me out from ever contribute’n or convert’n to their cause…i’m sorry…but i can find more ways to enlightenment with my rusty ol' right hand!

so in close’n…glad those that do practice this form are less judgmental than most store bought religious brands...but currently i have no plans on join’n this hocus pocus focus group anytime soon either in the future...

kapeesha Ganeesha!

you worship your religion as much as you see fit yer way...

and i'll worship MINE!

practice it without preach'n it…BUTT puhleez...get off my dress!