SPIKE IT!

with the cool crisp breeze in the air...depend'n on the area code yer in

of course...begins yet another season of "DANCE'N WITH THE LEAVES"...which...quite frankly...is much more entertain'n to me than say that other ego stroke'n reality show...where all has-been actress's...actress's-a-like and whacktresses's end up on once their career has had a major stroke

it's finally time you can wear those angora sweaters you been knitt'n like a catholicker on crack all year long

but of course this also means we'll be condemned to roughly 6 months of some pumpkin spiced bullshit on every fuck'n counter top to every damn bar stool concoction known to the free world

but most of all...i'll be subjected to 6 months of beer guts and beer nuts...a time honored american tradition fer over 150 + years

ever since the beginn'n of the bustle ...we've been subjected to the hustle

i mean really though...i never got the FULL concept of football...a bunch of guys huddle'n tightly together in a circle jerk formation...in very tight knee 

padded culottes...grabb'n big balls underneath their legs...from tight ends to wide receivers...hmmm...seems a bit non heterosexual to me...but let's move on to the real story...shall we kittens?

so ever since that extremely hot chocolate (that's Kaepernick fer you overly sensitive PC dicks) decided to play his 1st amendment card...fer the 2nd time...by kneel'n fer all the disrespect and shoot'ns that blacks and minorities have received thru-out this country in the very recent past and fer all the unfortunate future present situations

#45 ended up toss'n a tantrum recently...wait...i'm sorry...that was a bit disrespectful of me fer call'n the one who's occupy'n the BIG HOUSE...i meant to say...our loud-mouthed-bloated-mentally-deranged TWITTER BITCH-in-unfortunate-command-and-out-of-control-piece-of-clown-shit...at one of his recent weenie roast stops in banjo county...call'n on the NFL leaders to "get that son of a bitch off the field right now" and fire any future players fer kneel'n durin' that anthem song

which to be honest...i don't think ever made Casey Kasem's top 20 list...so maybe they outta rethink about update'n the damn song...

has anyone tried to contact Diane Warren?

but to be fair ...i'll play devil's advocate fer a mere moment...and let this

tang sprayed jackass play his 1st amendment card...FINE!...NO WAIT!...sorry i can't...that's like try'na listen to a buddhist on barbiturates

i believe it was the soul sista herself who once sang
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T...find out what it means to me"

yer the one hold'n the hightest office in the country that little kittens and the country are suppose to look up to in times of need and unity...yet...yer on prime time tv...viciously vommit'n out this volatile bullshit to someone stand'n up for their rights...by kneel'n down...instead of help'n out the many victims of the recent natural disasters in this country (and i ain't talk about YOU!)

where was this insane spewage of disgust from his brain dead trumpanzee's...when Heather Heyer was mowed down by one of yer mentally deranged white supremacists in North Carolina?...could it be cuz this diarectic dicktator'n dipshit doesn't know the diff between HATE SPEECH and FREEDOM OF SPEECH?

or when he himself couldn't put his hand over his heart dur'n the pledge of allegiance?...(wait...i guess he has a good enough excuse...cuz he had his cold dead heart removed right after child birth...along with his brains...morals...respect...compassion...do i need to go on?)

luckily fer Kaepernick...his mom...his fellow players and the NFL were have'n none of it...and fried up a gigantic back hand bitch slap sammich fer our clown shit currently occupy'n our office

but wait...there's more...

our 5th avenue fraudster (who remember said he could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and "shoot somebody and wouldn't loose any voters"...tried to rescind his invitation to the BIG HOUSE...via twitter...to another super hot chocolate...STEPHEN CURRY...after he already said he had zero interest in goin  there in the first place

even everyone's fav-o-rit secretary from the south...DORALEE...couldn't escape the rabid bite from the zombie apocalyptick asswipes recently

those who oppose what certain sports figures or hollyweird entertainers 

have to say about ANYTHING political...can kiss my grits!...they have just as many opinions and deserved to be heard like EVERYONE else unfortunately in this country...even if they are lobotomized brain dead TWITTER BITCH troopers

say'n that Kaepernick or any other kneeler is bein' unpatriotic "protest'n"

 the flag...is like say'n that the lil spit fire sparker of the civil rights movement ROSA PARKS...was protest'n the public transportation system...

but you've completely lost yer argument all you brain dead lobotomized trumpanzee's...lost it BIGGLEY!

there must be some smart smitten kitten out there that knows that this...

tiny handed tantrum troll has clearly broken the constitution...but even bigger than that...#45 is use'n that age old trick of divide and conquer...by bein' a shrewder colluder and flipp'n the news stories

if yer merely gett'n yer bloomers in a bunch over a bunch of players...

take'n a stand over racial profile'n and not a by a president mock'n a P.O.W...yer not a patriot at all...yer just a complete and utter asshole!

the only way we can settle this annoy'n mess...is by 2 simple words...

ROBERT MUELLER...#45 is NOT...HAS NOT & WILL NOT ever be presidential...he's a pathetick pussy'n grabb'n mentally deranged lie'n boil on the butt of human deecency...PERIOD!...and those who follow him are calous & complicit in his pukage!

though you may have a small group of mechanical menaces kneel'n to 

yer every word...the rest of us with a work'n brain...WILL NOT BOW DOWN to #45's bullshit bullhorn rhetoric...you work fer US you short tempered...ego maniac...bitch...now start clean'n up yer room...cuz it ain't yers fer very much longer!

don't like MY OPINION on the matter...well then...you can just kiss my

unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes...cuz i ain't kiss'n yers fer ANY approval

but if you wanna ANOTHER sane opinion...then take it from this old white guy who never hadda ask the wizard fer a brain



so #TAKEAKNEE  #LOCKHIMUP &  #GETOFFMYDRESS!

everything starts with an E

say kittens...remember that old say'n yer gramama used to say to you "don't mess with a broad with balls"...well if you do yer lie'n to yerself...cuz i just made it up...well...gather 'round cuz today's lesson is brought to you

by the letter E...first one that comes to my mind was the beloved New York native...ear bleed'n chanteuse and household dingbat of the 70's EDITH BUNKER...married to the fictionally short tempered bigot Archie on the hit series "ALL IN THE FAMILY"...EDITH was the voice of reason and the rock of understand'n...especially when she found out her dearly departed cuz Liz was a lez...though shocked at first...EDITH treated her luva Veronica as if she was part of the family all along

and gave her the family tea set that would've gone to Liz's spouse...were she a he

next up is the porcelian french chanteuse EDITH PIAF...born in Paris 

in 1915...EDITH was an extraordinary actress, singer, songwriter of the 1930's thru the 1950's and hailed as thee most internationally premier star of Paris...sing'n from brothels to the big show houses all over Europe...EDITH was most notably known fer the smash hit that "LA VI EN ROSE" that every queen east and west of the Louvre would'a stapled their dick to their derriere to lyp-sync fer their life on stage with...and recently redone by the QUEEN of the DANCE FLOOR on her latest "REBEL HEART TOUR" out now on blu-ray and dvd...EDITH's life would be plagued with intrigue and mystery...

that is until her liver lost control try'na keep up with her jitter bugg'n down at the "hey chug a lug" nites of pill popp'n/liquid heaven nites at the tender age of 47
(see there's that scary number again)

one of John Waters larger than life dreamlanders...EDITH MASSEY 

starred in a string of WATERS cult classics like "POLYESTER" as DIVINE's bff  CUDDLES...and "PINK FLAMINGO'S" as EDIE the eggstrodinary luv'n mother to DIVINE...to add to her cult status EDITH was also the lead singer of the balls to the walls band EDITH AND THE EGGS

in her spare time EDITH became a very popular fashion model fer the "un"hallmark cards to fit all yer celebratory needs

but the one EDITH that sticks out to me the most...the one true broad

with the biggest balls of 'em all...is the recently dearly departed EDITH WINDSOR...who passed away last week at the age of 88...EDITH created a legacy that will live on for eternity by the simple fact that she fought the law...and the law...LOST!

born in Philadelphia in 1929...EDITH met the love of her life THEA SPYER in Greenich Village in 1963 and they would eventually enter into a domestic partnership in 1993 in NEW YORK CITY...where they both would spend many years of their life advocate'n and support'n many many LGBT causes together 

even as her love THEA was diagnosed with progressive multiple sclerosis in 1977...EDITH never left her side fer a minute...eventually THEA would suffer a heart attack in 2002 then diagnosed with aortic stenosis in 2007

same sex marriage was still illegal in NEW YORK...

so they would both pack their best birkenstocks and travel north to TORONTO CANADA...where they would be married in may of that year...unfortunately...THEA would succumb to heart complications 2 years later in 2009

upon THEA's death...EDITH learned that she would have to pay $363,053 in inheritance tax as sole beneficiary to THEA's estate...all because of the provisions set up in D.O.M.A. define'n a marriage as between one man and one woman...just cuz same sex marriage was not legal under the law at the time

by 2010 EDITH threw caution to the wind and sued the federal government...UNITED STATES VS WINDSOR was state'n that the government singled out legally married same sex couples as "different treatment compared to other similarly situated couples without justification" 

in her best pressed pin striped suit...EDITH would kick ass in the courtroom and would eventually win a full refund from the IRS by 2012...with interest to boot

 the LGBTXYZPDQ community owes you a humongous hug of gratitude fer all you did fer stand'n up fer equal rights and fer all the activism you have done fer the community as a whole over yer lifetime...i personally cannot thank you enough EDITH...yer legacy will live on fer years to come

if you get a free nite...i implore you to check out the documentary "EDIE & THEA A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT"...it'll even tug at the smallest lil heart strings out there (that is of course ...if it's still beat'n)

if hollyweird hasn't already...listen up!...someone out there outta be penn'n this easy OSCAR winner...tentatively titled "EDITH" of course...and the no brainer would be to cast MERYL STREEP as EDITH...cuz i know she would act the shit outta this part and putt'n the audience in a flood of tears with her acceptance speech come OSCAR nite...(MERYL...if you need help...call me...i will help you)

now get off my dress!

47 reasons

so apparently...I CANNOT TAKE A FUCK'N WEEK OFF...from blanket'n

 the globe with my weekly words of whimsicality without gett'n my delicately plump...and oh so delickciously...A double snakes torn apart like a model in a snuff film on a silver platter...by certain pathologically restless readers...and enjoy a merried of fruity celibations fer my birth week with friends...but guess what kittens...

i can & i did...and ended it with these 2 clowns...(wigs...clown nose and glasses graciously provided by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) it was a simply splendid even'n...now on with the program

there are very few things in my life that REALLY freak the shit outta me

and clowns are definitely NOT one of them

(insert shameless non equity plug here)

insert BUTT plug here

 I LUV'D IT

BUTT...i digress 

where was i?...oh yea...to this day...any creepy crawly follicley things like...

tarantula's

 tantrums

and twats...freak the live'n shit outta me..seriously!...and especially #3...i mean...i'm all about open dialogue and i try to understand why a very large selection of disproportionately diluted and incredibly awkward male species out there that struggle thru their awkwardness try'n to eat a piece of hair pie fer pleasure...instead of dive'n deep on a thick meaty throat plunger...but i say...as long as i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then why should i fuck'n care who you fuck?

but the one thing that has freaked me out most of all is the #47...cuz finally

it was my turn to turn 47...this may not be no milestone perhaps...and it's not becuz i'm afraid of grow'n old...that's just how the damn game was set up from the start...but i literally thought about it fer the past 38 years...well...cuz that's how old my dad was when he sailed away from this planet

i was contemplate'n what i wanted to do...what i should do...to keep my 

my mind of that dreaded number that has haunted me fer the past 38 years...perhaps...a quick trip to THE BIG APPLE to see MICHAEL MOORE's pure genius live on broadway

or just maybe some quick shag with some random BIG CLOWN with a BIG BALLOON (hey...you have yer fantasies...and i'll have mine)

luckily fer me though...when my day finally had come from the 47th year 

(after sashay'n thru Joan's meat curtain's)...i DID NOT unfortunately...instead...i choose to stick around and count down the hours on my very own...in my personal shitbox...thanx to my absofuckinglutely fabooshka friend PEETRINELLA...who knows me the best of all...by bequeath'n me with plenty of of ear and eye candy to make it thru the nite...

not have'n seen "WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK" in years...i fergot how this movie freaked the fuck'n bejeezus outta me back in the 80's...and to this day...i still can't walk past a brick wall without bein on edge think'n there's someone stare'n me down

i thought of popp'n in a lil pick-me-up...but "DEATH BECOMES HER" was a lil too close to home at the moment...and would have to wait fer another nite...if i was gonna make it thru this nite...so the next few hours i would slip into a 70's coma by putt'n on my platform slippers and polyester flame retardant pajama's fer a double feature of fornication & filth...

"BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS"...a sexually charged melodramatic musical co-written by the late movie critic Roger Ebert was just what the doctor ordered...followed by "INSIDE DEEPTHROAT" (somethin' i've dabbled in from time to time...fer the right dime) a brilliant documentary about the most explosive and lucrative throat plunge'n picture ever played on the big screen in cinematic history from the 70's...both recommended highly...

(unlike the paddy cake flick i made back in '92 in order to get a rent reduction yrs later) but i heard i'm "BIG IN JAPAN" apparently...(just say'n)

by the time the flicks had ended...i looked out and noticed that the moon

  had opened her eyes...so of course i was ready to open my thighs...but unfortunately...i was outta data fer the month...so there would be no prick parade on this particular even'n

so instead...i took a quick birdie bath and slowly sipped on a few metamucil martini's after splash'n on my jean nate' after bath body splash...while enjoy'n my latest musical obsession from one BETH DITTO from her solo cd "FAKE SUGAR"...talk about a power house of pussy...with her balls to the walls...there is NOT ONE track on this whole cd that disappoints...with it's opener "FIRE" yer take'n a magical musical journey from the 60's thru the 70's and smack dab into the 80's with her explosive southern pop rock vocals

 

BOY GEORGE...if yer read'n this...and i'm sure you do...BETH is this generations HELEN TERRY...scoop her up fer a duet...you both would blend perfectly like cucumber vodka with a splash of 7 and a hint of mint

i still was toss'n and turn'n by cd's end...so i decided to try and read some excerpts from BETH DITTO's memoirs "COAL TO DIAMONDS"...but i couldn't find one pop up page dammit...so i figured i'd pop in some more music and another metamucil martini (fer medicinal purposes of course)

the other 2 cd's "A JOYFUL NOISE" by her band GOSSIP & "BETH DITTO EP"...both equally worth a listen (well cuz i've heard them both on youtube years before...but i still enjoy a car concert...and i refuse to be a cover artless fan fer some artists)...but they would have to wait...becuz by now i could see the sun peek'n thru midnight skies

i had finally made it past my 47th...a huge sigh had finally been lifted off my shoulders and outta my mind fer the past 38 years...though i thought and wondered fer a moment what my world would'a been like...had my dad made it past his 47th and would he have approved of how i turned out...bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...despite those who wished i hadn't at times

it was about that time to "make the donuts" as it were...so i  popped in the remastered "PURPLE RAIN" soundtrack and packed my "remastered" strawberry shortcake metal lunchbox...after master'n the art of tuna...with chopped jalapeno's drown'n in a medium sized dollop of olive oil mayo spread  and a beautifully arranged fresh fruit compote 

in close'n...i sincerely wanna thank a mill times over to my incredibly generous and very very VERY good friend PEETRINELLA (who's still older than me by 1/2 a year...that's not a petty vanity thing...it's just a reminder before we both start march'n in the senility parade) fer gett'n me thru the my own personal milestone and move'n that 47th monkey off my back...you shall be rewarded greatly this xmas after all (so get crack'n on update'n yer amazon list)

and also my good friend TIMBELLINA fer kick'n it off...POONANIE fer the still unreceived offer'ns (cuz i'll never hear the end of it if i don't give em an honorable mention) and all those who praised me on social media...even if they didn't bring me any canned goods

now get off my dress!

ps...just so she don't think i'm unfergretful...or ungrateful

yes i luv the greatest hits PRINCE video's...but lemme just say...he got lazy with his use of the green screen imagery in the 90's