what's up...DOC?

almost everyone out there desperately needs to take a break now & then

from their very tiresome and tediously tawdryless "time to make the donuts" existence durin' these mundane damn panic times and learn a lil bit more about the world outside of their narcissistically curious compact...audiences were riveted 10 years ago this month to learn about the fascinate'n tales behind all the glitz and glamour of a truly undeniably unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in my very 1st mini docudrama...directed by the Martin Scoresissy of the Minne-Apple and my friend Tony Larson...that you can waste 5 minutes & 22 seconds of yer life to relive by click'n on this link

BUTT...that's not all there is to know

recently i myself decided to expanded my horizons...instead of my over 

the rainbow road ego and learned about a true love story between 2 adorable consent'n adults with unbridled forbidden passion in "A SECRET LOVE" play'n now on Netflix...that any real carpet cleaner or anyone with a pulse fer that matter...would absolutely enjoy 

(ps...have a box of kleenex handy...i'm just say'n)

then i decided it was time to revisit some of my other fav-o-rit true stories

NO...not those you kinky lil kittens! so here is a list of my top 13 docs you outta check out if yer tired of psychoanalyze'n the TIGER KING one more time (in no chronological order)

#13...although it's been roughly 2 full years since it's debut in theaters

it's about time to remind yerself once again that no matter what yer contempt towards the ever brilliant satirist docu-filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE...his brilliant "FAHRENHEIT 11/9" will remind you to make sure that the mentally deranged corrupt sociopathetik bloated anal wart with the cottage cheese ass disgrace'n the WH and terrorize'n the planet...DOES NOT make it past nov 5th!

#12...i was completely awe struck think'n that everything was always

finger lick'n good just like that colostomitic cornel used to say...until i stumbled across this eye open'n doc one nite on youtube...starr'n hot-to-trot filmmaker MORGAN SPURLOCK in his 2nd fascinate'n flick pluck'n apart the poultry industry in "SUPERSIZE ME 2: HOLY CHICKEN"

#11...though she started on the D-List...this red headed spit fire ended up

on the shit list with the hollywierd elite and portions of the deplorable anal warts of a'murica fer practice'n her 1st amendment right as an A-List comedian take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass...unfortunately her career kamikazi'd within 24 hrs from release'n the "picture" seen around the world...but like a true deligant damsel in the blue dress...KATHY GRIFFIN rose like a phoenix fer the flamers and sold out her experience take'n on the mentally deranged sociopathetik bloated piece of orange pig shit with the cottage cheese ass at shows around the globe and documented her experience in "A HELL OF A STORY"

#10...i don't get the fear factor when it comes to clowns...i really don't!

OH WAIT! you will when you watch this deadly doc style terror w/a comical twist with IT's cousin "WRINKLES THE CLOWN"

#9...though dearly departed from this planet about 13 years ago now...

everyone's fav-o-rit maybellined minister...TAMMY FAYE BAKER knew how to accept all who crossed her path...regardless of race...religion or whatever rectal pirate you wanted to reem on any given nite...narrated by MAC's minister RuPaul..."THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE" will have you sing'n her praises in hopes that she raises...someday!

#8...christened the "most beautiful woman in the world" by filmmaker

JOHN WATERS...this larger than life persona became infamous fer eat'n dog shit in the hysterical low budget raunchy hit "PINK FLAMINGO'S" in 1972...chronicle'n her rise from the streets of Baltimore to the bright lights of Hollywierd...simply known as DIVINE..."I AM DIVINE" is a MUST SEE doc fer any Rutard enthusiast who thinks that their fav queen is "iconic"...none of them can hold a heel to DIVINE's massive legacy...currently play'n on Netflix

#7...the one reason why i rarely EVER take a trip to a tricks residence...

"VOYUER" makes you rethink about ever rent'n a room at some run down road side motel...ever again...air'n on Netflix currently

#6...though i was an alter boy at one point in my teen aged life...i soon 

learned it was all just a crock of shit...cuz basically if you take ANY religion (well...maybe not satanism) and remove ALL the money...they're ALL basically say'n...just don't be an anal wart to others...and BILL MAHER breaks it down perfectly by flush'n out the hypocrisy in "RELIGULOUS"

#5...one of the greatest pioneers in female comedy...was also the hardest

work'n woman in the biz up until her untimely pass'n in 2014 at the tender age of 81...JOAN RIVERS in "A PIECE OF WORK" explores her entire career from the triumphants to the tragedies...a true trail blazer gone way before her time

#4...ever wonder about all the shitty shenanigans of the great white way?

in 2007...director DORI BERINSTEIN followed 4 musicals "TABOO" "WICKED" "AVENUE Q" and "CAROLINE FOR CHANGE" up fer musical accolades and all the trials and tribulations that went along with putt'n together a masterpiece fer the masses on Broadway and the razor sharp tongues of the critics in "SHOWBUSINESS"

#3...the queen of the dance floor blew the documentary world away with

her jaw dropp'n behind the scenes look at life on the road and putt'n together her massive BLONDE AMBITION world tour in "TRUTH OR DARE" back in 1991...by 2007 MADONNA had hung up her heels (fer a minute) and had other ambitions by channel'n her career to help rebuild the improvrished tiny town of Malawi Africa with her charity RAISING MALAWI and chronicle'n her quest in "I AM BECAUSE WE ARE"

#2...the 70's were filled with a den of drugs...disco...and deliver me from

evil debauchery...and none was more spectacularly displayed fer view'n audiences than LINDA LOVELACE in "DEEP THROAT"...33 years later in 2005...director FENTON BAILEY dove deep into the back story of the 1st ever full screen theatrical release of the biggest talked about porn movie in american history and lays out how the govenrment desperately tried to control what happened in yer bedroom and what ever happened to the movies infamous star in "INSIDE DEEP THROAT"

#1...though only credited as an executive producer MICHEAL MOORE

rounds out my top 10 docs worth watch'n while yer hunker'n down in yer parents basement...with yer bong and yer bad breath...director JEFF GIBBS explores the the under belly of how the "green deal" IS NOT so green as it's lead you to believe after all in "PLANET OF THE HUMANS"

there ya have it kittens...hopefully one of these were able to trip yer trigger

if not...bite me...and GET OFF MY DRESS!

47 reasons

so apparently...I CANNOT TAKE A FUCK'N WEEK OFF...from blanket'n

 the globe with my weekly words of whimsicality without gett'n my delicately plump...and oh so delickciously...A double snakes torn apart like a model in a snuff film on a silver platter...by certain pathologically restless readers...and enjoy a merried of fruity celibations fer my birth week with friends...but guess what kittens...

i can & i did...and ended it with these 2 clowns...(wigs...clown nose and glasses graciously provided by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) it was a simply splendid even'n...now on with the program

there are very few things in my life that REALLY freak the shit outta me

and clowns are definitely NOT one of them

(insert shameless non equity plug here)

insert BUTT plug here

 I LUV'D IT

BUTT...i digress 

where was i?...oh yea...to this day...any creepy crawly follicley things like...

tarantula's

 tantrums

and twats...freak the live'n shit outta me..seriously!...and especially #3...i mean...i'm all about open dialogue and i try to understand why a very large selection of disproportionately diluted and incredibly awkward male species out there that struggle thru their awkwardness try'n to eat a piece of hair pie fer pleasure...instead of dive'n deep on a thick meaty throat plunger...but i say...as long as i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then why should i fuck'n care who you fuck?

but the one thing that has freaked me out most of all is the #47...cuz finally

it was my turn to turn 47...this may not be no milestone perhaps...and it's not becuz i'm afraid of grow'n old...that's just how the damn game was set up from the start...but i literally thought about it fer the past 38 years...well...cuz that's how old my dad was when he sailed away from this planet

i was contemplate'n what i wanted to do...what i should do...to keep my 

my mind of that dreaded number that has haunted me fer the past 38 years...perhaps...a quick trip to THE BIG APPLE to see MICHAEL MOORE's pure genius live on broadway

or just maybe some quick shag with some random BIG CLOWN with a BIG BALLOON (hey...you have yer fantasies...and i'll have mine)

luckily fer me though...when my day finally had come from the 47th year 

(after sashay'n thru Joan's meat curtain's)...i DID NOT unfortunately...instead...i choose to stick around and count down the hours on my very own...in my personal shitbox...thanx to my absofuckinglutely fabooshka friend PEETRINELLA...who knows me the best of all...by bequeath'n me with plenty of of ear and eye candy to make it thru the nite...

not have'n seen "WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK" in years...i fergot how this movie freaked the fuck'n bejeezus outta me back in the 80's...and to this day...i still can't walk past a brick wall without bein on edge think'n there's someone stare'n me down

i thought of popp'n in a lil pick-me-up...but "DEATH BECOMES HER" was a lil too close to home at the moment...and would have to wait fer another nite...if i was gonna make it thru this nite...so the next few hours i would slip into a 70's coma by putt'n on my platform slippers and polyester flame retardant pajama's fer a double feature of fornication & filth...

"BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS"...a sexually charged melodramatic musical co-written by the late movie critic Roger Ebert was just what the doctor ordered...followed by "INSIDE DEEPTHROAT" (somethin' i've dabbled in from time to time...fer the right dime) a brilliant documentary about the most explosive and lucrative throat plunge'n picture ever played on the big screen in cinematic history from the 70's...both recommended highly...

(unlike the paddy cake flick i made back in '92 in order to get a rent reduction yrs later) but i heard i'm "BIG IN JAPAN" apparently...(just say'n)

by the time the flicks had ended...i looked out and noticed that the moon

  had opened her eyes...so of course i was ready to open my thighs...but unfortunately...i was outta data fer the month...so there would be no prick parade on this particular even'n

so instead...i took a quick birdie bath and slowly sipped on a few metamucil martini's after splash'n on my jean nate' after bath body splash...while enjoy'n my latest musical obsession from one BETH DITTO from her solo cd "FAKE SUGAR"...talk about a power house of pussy...with her balls to the walls...there is NOT ONE track on this whole cd that disappoints...with it's opener "FIRE" yer take'n a magical musical journey from the 60's thru the 70's and smack dab into the 80's with her explosive southern pop rock vocals

 

BOY GEORGE...if yer read'n this...and i'm sure you do...BETH is this generations HELEN TERRY...scoop her up fer a duet...you both would blend perfectly like cucumber vodka with a splash of 7 and a hint of mint

i still was toss'n and turn'n by cd's end...so i decided to try and read some excerpts from BETH DITTO's memoirs "COAL TO DIAMONDS"...but i couldn't find one pop up page dammit...so i figured i'd pop in some more music and another metamucil martini (fer medicinal purposes of course)

the other 2 cd's "A JOYFUL NOISE" by her band GOSSIP & "BETH DITTO EP"...both equally worth a listen (well cuz i've heard them both on youtube years before...but i still enjoy a car concert...and i refuse to be a cover artless fan fer some artists)...but they would have to wait...becuz by now i could see the sun peek'n thru midnight skies

i had finally made it past my 47th...a huge sigh had finally been lifted off my shoulders and outta my mind fer the past 38 years...though i thought and wondered fer a moment what my world would'a been like...had my dad made it past his 47th and would he have approved of how i turned out...bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...despite those who wished i hadn't at times

it was about that time to "make the donuts" as it were...so i  popped in the remastered "PURPLE RAIN" soundtrack and packed my "remastered" strawberry shortcake metal lunchbox...after master'n the art of tuna...with chopped jalapeno's drown'n in a medium sized dollop of olive oil mayo spread  and a beautifully arranged fresh fruit compote 

in close'n...i sincerely wanna thank a mill times over to my incredibly generous and very very VERY good friend PEETRINELLA (who's still older than me by 1/2 a year...that's not a petty vanity thing...it's just a reminder before we both start march'n in the senility parade) fer gett'n me thru the my own personal milestone and move'n that 47th monkey off my back...you shall be rewarded greatly this xmas after all (so get crack'n on update'n yer amazon list)

and also my good friend TIMBELLINA fer kick'n it off...POONANIE fer the still unreceived offer'ns (cuz i'll never hear the end of it if i don't give em an honorable mention) and all those who praised me on social media...even if they didn't bring me any canned goods

now get off my dress!

ps...just so she don't think i'm unfergretful...or ungrateful

yes i luv the greatest hits PRINCE video's...but lemme just say...he got lazy with his use of the green screen imagery in the 90's