TY A TRAGIC TORNADO pt. 2

picture it kittens...the year was 2014 and things would go from dreadful

to deplorable...beginn'n with america's brilliant blunt comedic cunt who lost her voice along with her life with an "accidental" slip of the knife after a routine check-up

JUSTIN BIEBER lost his morals along with his squeaky clean image turn'n to the dark side of his fame with a linty of charges stemm'n from a DUI...assault charges...disruptive house parties to (of all things) egg'n

and the biggest box office bomb of the year belonged to "STORAGE 24" rake'n in less than the price of a membership at Lifetime Fitness take'n in only an abysmally pathetic $72 total (no zero's are miss'n kittens that was their entire haul after 1 nite at the theaters) it was apparently soo bad that no one even bothered to make a useable gif on google fer this blog

click here fer pt. 1 to catch up of TY A TRAGIC TORNADO

i can't personally attest to how the relationship between Lyle and Telly

had evolved over the years between them both personally...however...professionally all i know from my point of view is that LUSH was enjoy'n a very boom'n success and Lyle pretty much was the main presence nite after nite pour'n his soul into to the biz...though i was not privy to the behind the scene operations

rumors had spread as much as Lyle's waistline had by the summer of 

2013 and apparently there was a rift within the couple as far as the finances went from what i recalled hear'n thru the soured grapevines that year when i popped in to the bar fer a breather and though it had nothing to do with me personally or professionally...i still had maintained somewhat of a casual repour with Lyle as he said that they were hope'n to acquire the bar across the street and turn it into some drag bar to add to their portfolio and asked me if i would be interested in bein a part of it

BUTT unfortunately

by the fall of 2014 the unthinkable happened on the morn'n of august 11th

when Lyle and Telly would take their finale road trip to a gas station in Arden Hills (you can read all the sordid deets by click'n here) and Lyle would end up evade'n the local authorities and the FBI in plain sight fer 30 days thanx to hook-up apps and craigslist supposedly...the capture reward alone was roughly a mid range years salary and had everyone search'n fer Lyle's whereabouts under every nook and crawl space like some sorta expensive easter egg hunt 

until he was finally caught by some soccer mom choke'n on her curly fires when she spotted a dishelved Lyle walk'n thru a drive thru try'na order a hot roast beef sammich with a couple of mustard packets on the side (allegedly)

now i'm not here condone'n Lyle's actions in the slightest...you do a crime

you do yer time P-E-R-I-O-D! 

however...from all i've known of Lyle since the first time we met at my

rental mentals (and trust me...they were just that) his later actions were such a beyond departure from the jovial juvenile antics that i once knew him as that at some point over the course of his relationship with Telly...somethin' obviously had to have drastically happened to change this once carefree boisterous clown into a cold blooded killer...was it a calculated callous crime or a desperate crime of passion? only one person will ever be able to tell that tale

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

1...2...cha-cha-cha

with the last of the faggotry festivities finally come'n to a close this week

i thought i'd give you some of my most spiritually influential toe tapp’n tunes to help you slip into those

slinky pair of culottes you made from that buttermilk pattern #45 you finally bought off those annoy’n retro instagram ads & that tacky halter top you “inherited” from yer boyfriend’s wife that you’ve been bedazzle’n all month just so you can shake a tail feather faster than yer last walk of shame...as yer gett'n ready fer that special 69...before yer 86'd by the income'n traffic

so kick back...powder that puss puss and toss yer troubles out the door while listen'n as i count down my fav-o-rit top 20 titty twisters fer PRIDE

come'n in @ #20 was the tune that set the room on fire fer me AND

became the prequel anthem (if you will) that made this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe sashay & shante' away...when i 1st seen it appear on the video screens @ the SALOON in the Minne-Apple back in '93...with RUPAUL's  "SUPERMODEL"

#19 was thee very 1st number ever suggested to me by my dearest friend 

 (and staple fag hag) PEETRINELLA...that i would ever perform on my very 1st nite on stage @ the GAY 90's in '95...which was ANN MARGRET's "13 MEN & ME"...you can only imagine what 13 men at once will do to a plump A-double snakes like mine...i mean yers...(well...you don't have to once you've reached the 1:48 moment in the video...ps...don't say i didn't warn ya)

#18 belongs to the purrrrrrfect prowl'n puss in boots...1950's would'a never

been the same without the sassy and sauciness of the american sing'n activist style'ns of one miss EARTHA KITT...prove'n that she was nothing more than just an "OLD FASHIONED GIRL"

#17 comes from the most famous blonde in history...who started the whole

damn fan snapp'n crazy nearly 50+ years ago...MARILYN MONROE gave a voice to and made it socially acceptable fer ALL those gold digg'n twinks...twunks and anyone in a financial funk...to hunt fer the highest pay'n sugga daddy to dole out the dolla bills when needed...with her hit "DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND"

#16 has been compared to the likes of Etta James Tina Turner and even

Janis Jopin...lead singer BETH DITTO of the indy band GOSSIP from Olympia WA...made their mark on the music scene since 1999...and though they last recorded together in 2012 with the release of "A JOYFUL NOISE"...their song "MEN IN LOVE" stands out as the best "i do" finale to find'n that absolute anal adonis as yer date on the dance floor before the lights come up...and he goes down...ON YOU!

#15 is fer all of those want'n a taste of the wild side...who would rather

 taste a lil bit of S&M...instead of taste'n plain ol' M&M sex...KIM PETRAS gives you a taste of the wild side with her dark  and lusty duet with none other than the Mistress of the Dark ELVIRA with her in the dark hit "TURN OFF THE LIGHT"

#14 belongs to the psychedelic princess who was a dance floor staple of 

every dance club from coast to coast date'n back to the 1990's...who asked us how do you spell deee-groovy...deee-gorgeous..and how do you spell DEEE-LITE...with their club anthem "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART"

#13 is fer all those granola chomp'n birkenstock'n non-lipstick'n beauties

that just wanna chill out to an open fire with a bottle of chilled chardonnay after a rough day at the home depot...INDIGO GIRLS lezbitronic love song "CLOSER TO FINE" is a great strummer fer those that like to hummer (hey...don't bite my head off just cuz they apparently don't have enuff benjamins fer a gif account)

#12 comes from the dynamic british duo from across the pond known as 

the EURYTHMICS...who penned the paranoid hit fer all those insecurities within us all...with their 1983 hit "WHO'S THAT GIRL?" 

#11 though not so much of a toe tapper as much as an eye-opener fer  

those within the marginalized community that have faced more than they should thru-out their ostracized life...the 80's most famous gender bender hit the mark with his poignant heart felt song...written by the one and only BOY GEORGE..."SHE WAS NEVER HE"...is the 1st anthem i've ever heard that shed a dimly lit light on the plight of the trans community

#10 comes from the girl who just wanted to have fun ever since the 80's

bein' one of the most outspoken and biggest allies fer the gay community since the beginn'n of her career CYNDI LAUPER's hit "SHINE" is a great tear jerk'n dance tune to help give you the strength you need to get you thru the roughest of times no matter how bad they seem

#9 will put you in a time warp back to when disco & dudes in shorty shorts

& their equally horned-up co-horts...were all the rage on the dance floor...one hit of poppers and you were ready to take the train to brown town...& even if DONNA SUMMER denounced them years later (allegedly thanx to her CASPER crusade'n career) "HOT STUFF" remains a true boner-fide ride regardless

#8 has to be the loudest mouth in comedy that is more than just a comic

but also an outspoken...politically in yer face...right on sista song birdie who will funk you up...SANDRA BERNHARD's no holds barred hit "DO YOU WANNA FUNK?" doesn't funk around at all and tells you exactly what's gonna happen if you put yer finger in the funk

#7 though gone...he has left his imprint and impression on the music world

that will never be forgotten...i even experienced a missed opportunity to actually climb aboard...his bus (& who knows...maybe even him) after his FAITH tour @ the St Paul Civic Center in MN in '89 (true story) GEORGE MICHEAL  made lite of his "sticky situation" from years earlier with some cheeky fun fer all those pervie bathroom headhunters with his snappy unapologetic smash hit "OUTSIDE"

#6 before any of the RUtards...there was one of the filthiest queens on the

 planet that was in yer face like a bucket of mace...DIVINE was a hefty happy meal in heels and her trashy disco hit "YOU THINK YOU'RE A  MAN" made you take a seat if you couldn't handle her meat

#5 as one of the many androgynous wonders of the world in the 1980's

lead singer PETE BURNS from the british band DEAD OR ALIVE may have left this planet fer the time bein'...but not before record'n his walk of shame hit "BRAND NEW LOVER" say'n it was A-OK fer those dissatisfied dick wranglers to keep on look'n fer the perfect throat plunger

#4 with soo many smash diddies to chose from...i'm gonna have to go with

CHER's roller skate'n hit single from her 16th studio album in 1979 "HELL ON WHEELS" as thee perfect back hand sammich to yer face if you try and fuck with me on the dance floor

#3 we've all had those fag hags that think they're yer new true best friend

to help you pick out that perfect prick that's not gonna be a dick...but read the warn'n signs between their lines from AVA MAX...cuz maybe they're just a lil "SWEET BUT PSYCHO"

#2 comes from one of the latest new cummers to catch my eyes and ears

and fer all those the new silly queers out there look'n fer thee puuuurfect runway anthem to make yer entrance when you meet yer possee out on any give'n nite...TODRICK's "NAILS HAIR HIPS HEELS" will show you the correct order in which it's done

thee #1 reason...not matter what the season...comes from the QUEEN

of chameleon's...who has dominated the fuck'n dance floor fer the past 30+ years and is STILL goin strong

 with her latest release become'n #1 in no less than 60 countries...include'n Uzbekistan!...(hey...i know what yer think'n kittens...Uzbekistan?...yes...it's true...the one gay that works at the only pop-up record shop that hasn't been blow up yet..and he bought all 20 copies as pass over prezzies...so it still counts) anywho'zll'ding...

MADAME X bein her latest incarnation...M has zero plans on ever give'n up her hard earned throne anytime soon...until they try and pry it from her absolutely smoke'n alabastered corpse...of course the #1 spot it could only be from the one and only MADONNA...

who taught millions of us just how to strike a pose with her #1 1990 planetary smash hit "VOGUE"

thanx fer tune'n in kittens...now slap on yer sauciest look...show yer pride

and get off my dress! 

47 reasons

so apparently...I CANNOT TAKE A FUCK'N WEEK OFF...from blanket'n

 the globe with my weekly words of whimsicality without gett'n my delicately plump...and oh so delickciously...A double snakes torn apart like a model in a snuff film on a silver platter...by certain pathologically restless readers...and enjoy a merried of fruity celibations fer my birth week with friends...but guess what kittens...

i can & i did...and ended it with these 2 clowns...(wigs...clown nose and glasses graciously provided by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) it was a simply splendid even'n...now on with the program

there are very few things in my life that REALLY freak the shit outta me

and clowns are definitely NOT one of them

(insert shameless non equity plug here)

insert BUTT plug here

 I LUV'D IT

BUTT...i digress 

where was i?...oh yea...to this day...any creepy crawly follicley things like...

tarantula's

 tantrums

and twats...freak the live'n shit outta me..seriously!...and especially #3...i mean...i'm all about open dialogue and i try to understand why a very large selection of disproportionately diluted and incredibly awkward male species out there that struggle thru their awkwardness try'n to eat a piece of hair pie fer pleasure...instead of dive'n deep on a thick meaty throat plunger...but i say...as long as i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then why should i fuck'n care who you fuck?

but the one thing that has freaked me out most of all is the #47...cuz finally

it was my turn to turn 47...this may not be no milestone perhaps...and it's not becuz i'm afraid of grow'n old...that's just how the damn game was set up from the start...but i literally thought about it fer the past 38 years...well...cuz that's how old my dad was when he sailed away from this planet

i was contemplate'n what i wanted to do...what i should do...to keep my 

my mind of that dreaded number that has haunted me fer the past 38 years...perhaps...a quick trip to THE BIG APPLE to see MICHAEL MOORE's pure genius live on broadway

or just maybe some quick shag with some random BIG CLOWN with a BIG BALLOON (hey...you have yer fantasies...and i'll have mine)

luckily fer me though...when my day finally had come from the 47th year 

(after sashay'n thru Joan's meat curtain's)...i DID NOT unfortunately...instead...i choose to stick around and count down the hours on my very own...in my personal shitbox...thanx to my absofuckinglutely fabooshka friend PEETRINELLA...who knows me the best of all...by bequeath'n me with plenty of of ear and eye candy to make it thru the nite...

not have'n seen "WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK" in years...i fergot how this movie freaked the fuck'n bejeezus outta me back in the 80's...and to this day...i still can't walk past a brick wall without bein on edge think'n there's someone stare'n me down

i thought of popp'n in a lil pick-me-up...but "DEATH BECOMES HER" was a lil too close to home at the moment...and would have to wait fer another nite...if i was gonna make it thru this nite...so the next few hours i would slip into a 70's coma by putt'n on my platform slippers and polyester flame retardant pajama's fer a double feature of fornication & filth...

"BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS"...a sexually charged melodramatic musical co-written by the late movie critic Roger Ebert was just what the doctor ordered...followed by "INSIDE DEEPTHROAT" (somethin' i've dabbled in from time to time...fer the right dime) a brilliant documentary about the most explosive and lucrative throat plunge'n picture ever played on the big screen in cinematic history from the 70's...both recommended highly...

(unlike the paddy cake flick i made back in '92 in order to get a rent reduction yrs later) but i heard i'm "BIG IN JAPAN" apparently...(just say'n)

by the time the flicks had ended...i looked out and noticed that the moon

  had opened her eyes...so of course i was ready to open my thighs...but unfortunately...i was outta data fer the month...so there would be no prick parade on this particular even'n

so instead...i took a quick birdie bath and slowly sipped on a few metamucil martini's after splash'n on my jean nate' after bath body splash...while enjoy'n my latest musical obsession from one BETH DITTO from her solo cd "FAKE SUGAR"...talk about a power house of pussy...with her balls to the walls...there is NOT ONE track on this whole cd that disappoints...with it's opener "FIRE" yer take'n a magical musical journey from the 60's thru the 70's and smack dab into the 80's with her explosive southern pop rock vocals

 

BOY GEORGE...if yer read'n this...and i'm sure you do...BETH is this generations HELEN TERRY...scoop her up fer a duet...you both would blend perfectly like cucumber vodka with a splash of 7 and a hint of mint

i still was toss'n and turn'n by cd's end...so i decided to try and read some excerpts from BETH DITTO's memoirs "COAL TO DIAMONDS"...but i couldn't find one pop up page dammit...so i figured i'd pop in some more music and another metamucil martini (fer medicinal purposes of course)

the other 2 cd's "A JOYFUL NOISE" by her band GOSSIP & "BETH DITTO EP"...both equally worth a listen (well cuz i've heard them both on youtube years before...but i still enjoy a car concert...and i refuse to be a cover artless fan fer some artists)...but they would have to wait...becuz by now i could see the sun peek'n thru midnight skies

i had finally made it past my 47th...a huge sigh had finally been lifted off my shoulders and outta my mind fer the past 38 years...though i thought and wondered fer a moment what my world would'a been like...had my dad made it past his 47th and would he have approved of how i turned out...bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...despite those who wished i hadn't at times

it was about that time to "make the donuts" as it were...so i  popped in the remastered "PURPLE RAIN" soundtrack and packed my "remastered" strawberry shortcake metal lunchbox...after master'n the art of tuna...with chopped jalapeno's drown'n in a medium sized dollop of olive oil mayo spread  and a beautifully arranged fresh fruit compote 

in close'n...i sincerely wanna thank a mill times over to my incredibly generous and very very VERY good friend PEETRINELLA (who's still older than me by 1/2 a year...that's not a petty vanity thing...it's just a reminder before we both start march'n in the senility parade) fer gett'n me thru the my own personal milestone and move'n that 47th monkey off my back...you shall be rewarded greatly this xmas after all (so get crack'n on update'n yer amazon list)

and also my good friend TIMBELLINA fer kick'n it off...POONANIE fer the still unreceived offer'ns (cuz i'll never hear the end of it if i don't give em an honorable mention) and all those who praised me on social media...even if they didn't bring me any canned goods

now get off my dress!

ps...just so she don't think i'm unfergretful...or ungrateful

yes i luv the greatest hits PRINCE video's...but lemme just say...he got lazy with his use of the green screen imagery in the 90's