WOLVES IN CHEAP TV MORALS

the earliest i can ever recall when i was forced into believe'n that the 

regurgitated cultism of CASPER crusade'n (otherwise known to most as the fear monger'n catholicism cult) was in the mid 1970's when i used to watch the quirky open-minded yet unabashed FATHER MULCAHY from the 4077 infantry on the popular war series M*A*S*H that was time stamped durin' the Korean War (1950-1953) which ran fer 11 brilliantly funny and tragic seasons

by 1983 i was forced to leave my newly acquired public grade school 

gang of goofballs from the 6th grade at Madison behind and join the cult of CASPER crusader's at COTTER high (which some were barely tolerable at the very least) though a majority of them include'n teachers like Mrs. Blank...Mr. Lisowski…Mr. O'Brien and Principal Bork made my academic studies unbearably miserable fer 4 treacherous years that were all but fergotten about by the time i had a break-down and was able to continue my public education once again by 11th grade until i called it quits by years end fer G.E.D county (honorable mention to those that actually made it comfortably bearable at Cotter were Miss Kentiz..Mrs. Piper...Diane Drake and Sister Jan)

though i had become an alter boy by the mid 1980's in hopes to follow in  

the fictional footsteps of Father Mulcahy some day that my aunt Ellen jokingly wanted me to...ironically it was CULTURE CLUB's hit "THE WAR SONG" that made me give the middle finger to that brainwashed cult i was sucked into all together when the priest at our parish told me i was not to "idolize people like him" (and yes that was a direct quote kittens) after show'n him my photo book of pics i cut out and saved from Star Hits magazine when he stopped over at our house one afternoon

the 1st televangelists that caught my eye in the 80's were the lashes of lady

 preacher from International Falls, MN and her hedonistic hubby who formed tv's 1st popular christian broadcast series in the mid 70's with THE PTL CLUB which was short i believe fer "THE PRETTY TALENTED LIARS CLUB" (though some say technically it was known as the PRAISE THE LORD CLUB) it had changed names a couple times thru-out it's 14 years of robb'n the poorly warped and uneducated to make them rich beyond their beliefs...starr'n JIM and TAMMY FAYE BAKER from 1974 til 1987 

TAMMY FAYE would rock the broadcasters across the country by cause'n 

quite a controversy by putt'n a bee in the bonnet amongst the religious relics even before that alzheimered jellybean prez would bother acknowledge'n the crisis...by bein' the 1st advocate fer AIDS awareness interview'n a cock suck'n christian pastor live'n with the dreaded disease back in 1985

of course not surprise'nly her hubby JIM would eventually get busted with his rosary beads down around JESSICA HAHN's ankles...pay'n her off with $279k in hush money from the PTL collection plate before gett'n busted fer cook'n the books and receive'n an 8 year vaca in the federal po-po

the lobotomized flock couldn't escape the gravitational pull of chaucerian 

fraudster...the diabetic demon with gastronomic glandular issues JERRY FALWELL...who had built the biblical barracks fer future CASPER cultists called Liberty University milk’n millions since the 70's desperately try’n to influence the masses on their asses with his apocalyptic anal-warted agenda...by the 90's he singled out UK's children's program the TELLETUBBIES...

specifically the absurdly ambiguousness character TINKY WINKY with their eggplant fur...wi-fi head piece and of course the magic red prada purse and their fascination of skipp'n thru the tulips in a tutu which was obviously just a ploy try'n to indoctrinate male tikes into wear'n tiara's and the art of anal bead'n

by sept 2001 he pointed his blood sausaged fingers on the cock-suckers...

muffin divers...abortionists...feminists and the pagans of Pensacola and everywhere else around the country fer the attacks on the World Trade Center...luckily sanity prevailed and that glutenous gargoyle finally choked on his seethin' spite at his desk in 2007 after begg'n his CASPER fer 20 more years to complete his basturdization of the fabled short stories book most call the bible

though the most colorful cracked out CASPER character was a CROTCH

i'm so sorry...i mean JAN CROUCH with her lavender do jacked up to jesus...JAN and her hubby PAUL co-founded the TBN channel (Total Bullshit Network known by most viewers i guess as the Trinity Broadcast Network...sue me!) with friends JIM AND TAMMY BAKKER in 1974 (though they left by 1975) JAN enjoyed milk'n the meek and mundane followers fer over 30 years

til she was busted by her granddaughter in 2012 who worked at the network fer cash'n in on the collection plate to fund her lavish lifestyle and that enormous wig collection of hers…unfortunately that same year another granddaughter who was 13 at the time sued her granny when JAN was try'na cover-up her granddaughter's rape by a TBN employee blame'n it all on the granddaughter herself. (ain't she a peach!) JAN luckily suffered a massive stroke in may of 2016 and would kick up daises 6 days later at 77

after TAMMY FAYE dropped her hubby fer infidelity and fraud and also

her last name...TAMMY FAYE would rejoice and reinvent herself from phony tv evangelist to LGBTXYZPDQ advocate and marry her 2nd husband ROE RESSNER (who incidentally worked as a builder fer her defunked HERITAGE USA theme park) and enjoyed a resurrection of her very own...

host'n her talk show with LGBTXYZPDQ alumni JIM J BULLOCK on "THE JIM J and TAMMY FAYE SHOW" that only ran one season in 1996 though TAMMY FAYE would make many many other television appearances on numerous talk shows to reality tv thru-out the 90’s

by year 2000...TAMMY FAYE was the subject of a fabulous documentary 

commentated by "SUPERMODEL (you better work)" sensation RUPAUL in "THE EYE"S OF TAMMY FAYE" which documented the rise and fall of her ministry and her faith...TAMMY FAYE would put on her last set of lashes in july of 2007 at 65

by 2021 TAMMY FAYE would be immortalized on the screen once again

with her life turned into a marvelous major motion picture of the same name as her documentary 21 years earlier which won JESSICA CHASTAIN's portrayal of the mascara maven an oscar in 2022

after take'n over where his dad left off years ago JERRY FALWELL JR

would be instrumental in the rise of the mentally deranged orange anal wart weaponize'n the country by donate'n millions to his presidency and lock'n up the regurgitated right wing religious vote...unfortunately fer JR...he would fall far from grace simply by his greedy texts...

where the hypocrisy of his ministry teach'ns is on display in it's finest in this well documented HULU original "GOD FORBID" A MUST SEE! (hack into yer neighbors account if you have to…seriously)

though they weren't necessarily poach'n preachers...they were very vocal

about their faith on their snorefest series that aired on the USA network fer 9 vomitous seasons...til the heads of the household were busted fer (wait fer it...you guessed it) conspiracy to commit a $30 million fraud from the banks and winn'n a total of 19 years behind bars and their accountant gett'n a respectable 3 years...but don't fret my pious pets...

yer fav-o-rit faithless fraudsters will be back in a new series this summer...and i am sure i'll tune in

how beyond brain dead to you have to be to believe that tv theocracy is

nothing more than a religious rip-off hypocrisy?

and the church wonders why their collection plates and pews are dry'n up 

in the end…believe what you wanna believe in (i personally don't give a fiddler's fuck) IT'S YER CHOICE! i myself believe in the praise and practice of MADONNISM which will incidentally be on full glorious display start'n this july…get yer tickets here fer the most masterful mystical musical icon of our time

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A FOREIGN AFFAIR

picture it kittens...the year was 1995 and my all time fav-o-rit foreign flick

at the time was released "MURIEL'S WEDDING" starr'n TONI COLLETTE as the family outcast who yearned fer a bigger better life fer herself with a new name and a new location from her small minded town (which was an all too familiar theme with me since it paralleled my own life at the time)

ANNIE LENNOX was tell'n us how she had "NO MORE I LOVE YOU'S" to give out anymore

and i saved up for a full year work'n 4 jobs around the clock from 5:30 am at the Hilton to Northwest Athletic onto Tidal Wave before end'n my shift at Bruegger's Bagels by 10:30 pm just so i could  jet set off on my own fer the very 1st time to my dream destination across the pond and begin my life long love affair with the likes of Big Ben... 

of course i had high hopes of runn'n into BOY GEORGE somewhere on the streets of London as well...why not!

after 3 anxiety riddled days bein' held as a hostile hostage in my palatial

room at the Conrad Hilton along the Thames thanx to no cell phone service at the time (well cuz i had no cell phone) and the queen ignore’n my incessant phone calls to let me crash at Balmoral fer the next 2 week to save my credit card from a coronary cuz she was deal’n with Diana’s mechanic at the time…

binge'n on british mtv countdowns and thee most absurdly hysterical comedy series about 2 boozy broads and the House of Lacroix…

stare'n forlornly out the window at the park'n lot down below from time to time til i finally had my CHER moment and checked myself into a hostel 5 miles away

unfortunately i had checked out without check'n all my belong'ns and left

behind my cherished 90210 hearthrobber Brandon Walsh tee that i bought specifically to wear on my vaca...before bunk'n with 3 middle easterner chums in basically a large closet with 4 cots in each corner and a miniature sink against the wall...they were in London study'n english with only one of them speak'n barely there broken english to me (who knows...maybe the other 3 could'a been fake'n it like my feel'ns fer gazpacho and pickled pork rinds) in either case...

while they were in school i trotted around the cobbled streets skipp'n the usual 1st timer's tourist traps and instead discover'n all the back roads and by-ways...nooks and crannies...chumm'n it up with the local drunk dames

til one afternoon i met this very frenched fry named Raphael at a local 

pub on one of my afternoon excursions who had me at "ellu" with his bedroom blue eyes and his very french savior flare'...i ended up spend'n most of the day and nite with him...he had shown me around the city to all the hidden hot spots til we ended up back at his flat (that's british fer apartment kittens) and after a few shots of chilled absinthe along with some brie on a baked slice of brioche…he showed off his "BIG BEN" and i...

and as dawn broke…my french connection so eloquently whispered to me "it's Raphael's sleep time...you will go now!" (and that is a direct quote) so i managed to figer out my way back to my hostel which didn’t make me hostile in the slightest as i felt i had lived there in a previous life and knew exactly my way around the city without any further uncomfortable incidents  

the follow'n nite i ended up at The RAW Club after find'n a flyer that said 

BOY GEORGE was goin to be there...so of course you know i was hyperventilate'n like a hyena all day cuz i had waited since 1982 fer this moment and after 3 hours that nite at the club with no BOY in sight...i was ready to leave devastated after i asked the bartender when BOY would be perform'n to which he replied "no mate...BOY's only DJ'n tonite" so of course my world shattered as i sucked down my shitty warm guinness and headed fer the front door until i noticed a large hat float'n thru the sea of mollied mary's on the dancefloor claw'n at the hat fer their attention...

til the hat turned around and vehemently shouted "FUCK OFF...I'M WURK'N!" it was BOY fuck'n GEORGE who i would indiscriminately dance next to him perched in the DJ booth fer most of his shift until on one of his musical breaks where he leaned in close to me and asked where i was from to which i replied excitedly "Minneapolis" to which he replied "Oh...i've bean thur before...it's a bit cold it'int it?" (i didn't have the heart to tell him i was the one who threw up all over his feet when he was there last perform'n at First Avenue)

on my last nite after 2 weeks on my own in London...i popped into some 

seedy underground club that i was utterly unaware was a BDSM/M&M sorta dance club...with dark black walls wrapped in chain link fence and red halogen lights indiscriminately litter'n the ceil'n...as i made my way thru the dingy leather clad crowd slowly sipp'n on my only bottle of miller lite elephant piss...i was sad to see my european vaca was unfortunately come'n to an end so as i headed to the loo (that's british fer bathroom kittens) a figure had emerged from out of the shadows to ask fer my name...

turns out his name was Neal and he was on his way out as well so we exchanged a few more pleasantries at the stalls til he asked me to accompany him back to his friends place which was right around the corner…he said i could stay over since his friend was spend'n the weekend in Provence...i thought EH! why not!

well if you ever been to London unlike myself at the time...i learned that

nothing is just right around the corner since most of the streets were in circles that seemed to never end and after roughly 20 minutes into our midnite walk i started to really think maybe i was on the guest list fer a descendant of Jack the Ripper

by the time we finally reached his friends flat 45 minutes later i had felt a

bit more at ease with Neal until he unlocked the front door to his mate's flat and all we both could hear was a loud and passionate "oh oui baise moi plus fort" echo'n down the long hallway (you can do yer own translation work there kittens) so i simply said "lemme guess...yer friend ain't in Provence?" needless to say...Neal was the perfect gentlemen that even'n as we both crashed on his friends unpolished hard wood floor as neither of us polished off ours and ended up bein great friends who would let me crash at his place in Muswell Hill in the suburbs of London fer the next 5 times i visited...exchange'n xmas cards up until 2005 fer some reason...oh how i miss London

BUTT anyways...

after sett'n up my very merry jingle jangles thru-out my humble lil shitbox

along with a candle opera represent’n my ghosts of fabulous past present and future encounters...i reminisced about my obsessional love affair into the foreign film genre…

when i seen my 1st foreign movie poster plastered all over the tiled walls of the London Underground which was “MURIEL’S WEDDING” and though that movie was filmed down unda…i started to rekindle about my many times cross'n the pond many moons ago which fer 4 of them were durin' the holiglazed season and though i only expanded my horizons outside of London once...

to see the 2nd incarnation of BANANARAMA open fer BELINDA CARLISLE who opened fer CULTURE CLUB down by the sea in Brighton in '98…i decided to marinate my love affair with the United Kingdom once again by visit'n outside the confines of BIG BEN's backyard via a mini movie marathon last week start'n with the UK's answer to Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger's love affair of 2005... 

with 2017's "GOD'S OWN COUNTRY" starr'n european heart throbbers JOSH O'CONNOR and ALEC SECAREANU set roughly 4 hours north of London in the town of Yorkshire and though i loved "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" fer it's scenery and storyline...just add a foreign accent to it and my knees pads instantly go weak

next up was filmed mostly around Hastings, East Sussex that is a very 

dark thriller from 2017 starr'n PAUL MCGANN and SEAN TEAL as 2 non heterosexual biscuit biters who pay the price fer bait'n a bigoted CASPER crusade'n owner of a modest country inn only to find misconception...mayhem and murder is on the menu in "B&B"

in order to lighten the mood...i stumbled across the movie "CONNECT"

from 2019 only cuz of the stunn'n scottish star all of 5'7 inches tall KEVIN GUTHRIE on the poster who deeply struggles with deep despair and a voice that haunts him no matter where he goes

and just so you don't think that my list is all about beards and ball sacs...

if yer a merry maxi padder...yer either gonna feel totally empowered or absolutely terrified by this 2022 british folk-arty horror flick "MEN" starr'n JESSIE BUCKLEY as a widowed women who decides to take a holiday in the countryside after her hubby passes...only to be terrified and tormented by the local nut scratchers

last up i finished off with 2019's "THE DIG" filmed in the irish countryside

starr'n beefy manwich MOE DUNFORD as RONAN CALLAHAN (which is all so gravy train whichever name he wants to go by) anywho'zll'ding...RONAN gets released from prison after 15 years fer the murder of Niamh that he can't remember commit'n and her father becomes obsessed with find'n her body on his land where he believes it's buried so RONAN decides to help out to prove his innocence until he goes on a bender one nite out in hopes it'll jar his memory as to the events of that fateful nite unfold

well there ya have it...my picks fer a lil european vacation from all the tired

sappy crappy kringy kringley lifetime holiglazed flicks out there...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

sound WAVES!

though spooktober is my all time fav-o-rit time of the year when the MN

hillsides turn into an explosion of rich colors of red gold and...well not so much green...but hey i hadda tie in BOY somehow kittens...why not!

since CULTURE CLUB's new array of musical melodies from their latest album "LIFE" drops in just a few short weeks on the 26th which is thee perfecto treat fer all the snot nose trickers come'n fer hand-outs this hallows eve...think of it as yer personal duty to help curve the cavity's and diabetic epidemic plague'n the country...so fuck the mini snickers and stock up on "LIFE" and check out their latest video of their smash reggae-infused hit single "LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU"...and though the US leg of their tour is finished...my kittens across the ocean are in fer a treat...so grab tix to their beyond brilliant show here

there's an old say'n that someone apparently said years ago...that when 

the big one happens (and no i ain't talk'n about THAT BIG ONE pervie...well...not today anyways) 

now where was i?...oh yeah...when the BIG ONE actually does happens...

the only thing that will survive...will be cockroaches...and CHER!

after the impeccable success of her debut in MAMAMIA 2 sing'n the ABBA classic "FERNADO" as Meryl's mother

it's only fitt'n that CHER would once again rise up like a absofuckinglutely fantabulucious phoenix fer us flamers (and all you johnny-come-lately's)...and release her fuck'n 26th album "DANCING QUEEN"...completely chocked full of all the ABBA gems i grew up with

and of course...she wouldn't be the 72 year old goddess she is...without follow'n it up with yet  ANOTHER...(i ain't mad at that!) that i'm sure soon to be...sold out tour...so snap yer tix up here before it's too late

and though we sane people with morals and a mind of our own are 

hope'n fer a tsunami of blue waves this NOV 6...it can't happen unless you register to vote and remove the repulse repuglicunts from the house and senate...so register and vote...click here fer all the poll'n places in yer area

i always save the best fer last (who don't?) and this was actually by a  

pure unsalted accident the other day at work...search'n fer my next mental break down music

when i ran an equally important sorta wave from across the pond...Britain's living dead doll songstress HEATHER BARON-GRACIE from the indy pop band

"PALE WAVES"

think AVRIL LAVIGNGE meets THE CURE

i was 1st completely gobsmacked silly with my new years eve anthem from them...appropriately titled "NEW YEARS EVE"

so of course i hadda frantically hunt down A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G they had out there visually...and luckily...my 2nd fav jam from them is "HEAVENLY"...which it completely is...i swear to CHER!

if yer look'n fer the perfect life support song fer yer on-the-rocks relationship mixed cd? then "ONE MORE TIME" is the perfect last chance to dance tune

are you an emo without a clue how to appreciate them...play 'em "KISS" without say'n a word and they'll understand

what schizophrenic doesn't hear "NOISES"

suicidal tendencies finally have an anthem just fer them with "MY OBSESSION" that everyone can enjoy

Betty Ford beauties try to believe "THERE'S A HONEY" fer them besides jim beam

when 2 become 1 with"THE TIDE"

"TELEVISION ROMANCE" has absolutely NOTHING to do with the kankersoredashians!

and though a video was never released (yet)...grab a box of kleenex when you listen to 

"KARL (I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO DIE)"

i was BEYOND thrilled to find out that they're actually gonna be in my

sister city sat nov. 24th in St Paul MN @ the Amsterdam bar...so i immediately grabbed tix...get yer here's if you haven't yet...or catch em a few times on the road...you'll be glad you did!

so however you acquire yer musical catalog these days...just do it...pick up their brilliant fuck'n ear candy "MY MIND MAKES NOISES" out now

now get off my dress!