gluten free punishment

well kittens...there's plenty to be thankfully for this gobble or gobbless

week...now that all those annoy'n...blood suck'n connoisseurs of no conscience are completely gone fer the year...no i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Living Dead...heavens to betsy no...

i'm talk'n about ALL these brain dead...blood suck'n GOP'ers that lost their morals...along with their mouth power this past midterm

BUTT...in the end

with the holiglazed season in full swing...just a simple reminder that 

 nothing tastes better and helps soften that stool...when you'll drool over yer aunt Orlean's oral fix'ns this european invade'n small pox day...that yer kids will absolutely go batshit crazy for at the din din table...than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...even though it may cause a slight involuntary chain reaction to yer bowel movements...and a lil bitta weeze'n in yer breath'n...nothin comes closer to loos'en yer lunch and those pesky pounds than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...so pick up a can today!

there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil... 

that once destroyed millions...from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague

thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers

 kindness's...now has simply morphed into another gestation known as BLACK FRIDAY!

this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!

as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box 

thanx to the all mightyness of corporate greed...these salivary savages want'n the best deal...no longer have to wait til the stroke of midnite any longer to purchase the "MUST!HAVE!NOW!" crap off the latest assembly runway line carefully crafted by lil Ping Ming...Ding A. Ling...Ah So and Kung Po...so you...the shopp'n fucktard...can save some measly benjamins...what would take their entire family work'n around the clock...a lifetime to make...as the madness begins at 6pm on turkey day...and in some cases EVEN SOONER!!!

SAY IT ISN'T SO!...are the weather reports out yet? dear lord what will i wear? is the "real housewhores of whatever county" even gonna be on s-a-l-e? someone! ANYONE! PUHLEEZ!...OH GOD...thou for art have forsaken me...i beg of you to have mercy on my wretched whorish selfish lil impetent soul and give me the strength to make it thru this madness...but just in case...Bobby Marie and Betty Andy....fetch me my pocket kitchen cattle prod and shopp'n shank!

as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase...the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the

blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales...cuz you know that can be a complete fuck over moment if you miss one of those!

dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...

and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction" 

Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas 

morn'n..."daddy deez are pritty...and mommy's always say'n how cood her feet are." Betty Andy exclaims "how 'bout we git her some of deese"...dad distracted by an income'n text says "wha? huh? yea sure...here's my card...sorry kitten...daddy's gotta take this call...it's the babysitter  office want'n me to come in"

over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...

when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...

"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered

like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him

some extra cash she had earned in the "back park'n lot" earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house

and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break 

today...so off to the Golden Arches they went...undaunted by the lack luster service with their corporately plastered smiles...the 2 ordered the double stacked coronary burger with 2 slices of orange colored drainage squares...large french coma induced potatoe spears...a sugary coated crusty cardboard pouch filled with pipe'n hot apple flavored sludge and a refresh'n 2 liter cup of diet coke to wash it all down...

(both very conscious of their caloric intake)

as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n

 cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society 

3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns  crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...

to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam

but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...

"sorry but we're closed...enjoy your holiday"

from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...

 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"

"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly

"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?" 

"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"

40 minutes later...as the snow flakes began to dance like fall'n pirouettes against the navy blue sky...Harold and Dureen came to an "understand'n" as Bobby Marie and Betty Andy pleaded to be let back into the car...so mom unlocked the doors and the kids piled back in and homeward bound they went

as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...

Bobby Marie was thankful that his secret was safe with mom...fer now 

Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom

dad was thankful the "help" stuck around

mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next...

and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long

the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...

don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs

now get off my dress!

perfect time'n

let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time...shall we kittens!

it was the winter of 95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in 91...when i met my very first Minne-Apple

"friend" i made off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...

 before all the .com's and grinder's came into production...named Curtis...he was this statuesque blonde...which...unless you were some peroxided pariah like my high school hard on Billy Idol or Madonna...

i normally had zero interest sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room but Curtis had a presence...and though it only amounted into an occasional hook-up from time to time...i was hooked on him...unfortunately he was also hooked...but on other sorta "recreational entertainment" 

that i just couldn't participate in...due to that republican toothpick...Nancy in the 80's...gett'n under my skin

it took roughly 2 months to finally find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least part-time anyways)...as he was worried about my reaction apparently...and told me i was never to grace the stage...but years later...there i was and i would carry that same torch when i meet any potential interest...luckily for me though...i don't give two fucks about others reactions to it anymore! 

so Curtis took me to work one even'n...which...at the time...felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me...(unlike the dilapidated shit hole it's unfortunately become these days) cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter any bar...

and goin from flats to fuck-me-pumps...was a HUGE deal (much like me)...i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by it on the bus head'n to work...and so desperately wanted inside this pandora box...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my granimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm...i was totally over the moon when he told me he was an actual perform'n illusionist and he could get me in to meet the rest of the performers

my 1st taste and fascination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to being sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey

my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show...his guest that day absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin

Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet)...but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation...back from the dead...cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection! and of course Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY

i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!

early one morn'n...at roughly around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...

ummm...ya right!..."i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye"...i recall mutter'n from my narcoleptic nap

curiosity killed this C-U-Next-Time...and sure enough...i go to the window downstairs...and seen this huge ass black stretch monstrosity on wheels...wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on my over-sized studded jacket (to give me an impossibly smaller waist than i already had...at the time) and my imitation doc martens and out the door i flew like a humming bird on crack

as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the Minne-Apple...EVER! alnog with Annie Lennox...Marion...Miles...Curtis and some other gurl (who's name i can't remember at the moment cuz my metamucil martini kicked in)...who took me on a tour of the Minne-Apple i'll never ferget

over to that gal's house who was gonna make it after all...

then down around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop...and all 6 beauties got out...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns...and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge from the previous nite...as me and the limo driver busted our A double snakes off  in the limo...laugh'n like mad

a postcard that could totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"

2 years later...Curtis would surprise me with tickets to see my high school hero perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him...but even though it never transpired...i was on cloud 9

BOY's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club...but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz of some non heterosexual's who couldn't shut their traps and was...i'm guess'n...not feel'n very friendly to any of his fans at all

2 years after that... i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most excellent cd "cheapness and beauty"

and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "take it like a man"...why not!

contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock

well...that's cuz...as the mgr told me...i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...i nearly died!

2nd times a charm right?...HA!...does NO go with WAY?

the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look..

and with the A-OK from my dear dear Peetrinella...i could barely contain my urinary track...from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener since the tender and supple age of 13 when he said so eloquently "do you really want to hurt me"

i had paid for my cuz...his wife and her sis's tickets...all i wanted in return was a couple of cocktails...which my cuz had no problem with fill'n me up

i ran into the 90's mgr in the lil wrangler's room of First Avenue...

where BOY was perform'n that nite...and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his molesterary fingers...yea right pervie!

so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage...(though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite)...that as the BOY started in on his band's anthem of the 80's smash "karma chameleon"...

i proceeded to blow chuncks at his feet...

fer all that i don't remember that nite...(which was about everything after the bathroom incident)...i was completely mortified! and he gets my undie'n appreciation...paid in puke!

it took 3 times...but i would FINALLY meet BOY during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway

and it was a total chance encounter that i would meet my childhood hero (and no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp...you pervie...but trust me...i'da gone there myself if i was read'n this know'n me)

i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it

and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time...but i digress!

it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...

if i never watched Phil...i never would've been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there...and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest...and if i never entered that look-a-like contest...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!

it's rare to meet someone whom you've looked up to all yer life or to meet someone who's inspired yer destination in life...i've met them both

10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky

i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage...(though it's been sometime...but don't fret kittens...i'm still very much alive) and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?

then i think he'd just say  "guuurl...you look SICK!"

now get off my dress!