A BOUNTIFUL BUFFET

it's that time of the year again to help propagate the propaganda of that

delusionally delightful dinner often turn'n into a dreary dreadful discombobulated dilemma with the gather'n of guests once anal auntie Agnes inspects the three bean salad only to find out it had been made with just 2 noticeable bean families and then proceeds to bitch about it fer the rest of the nite…

sound'n like she's been gargle'n on lighter fluid fer the past 30 years from puff'n on her virginia slims menthol lights on the front porch to anyone pass'n by with their tin foiled leftover slop encased between 2 flimsy dollar store paper plates 

which includes a very generous portion of her unflavored gelatinous hard boiled egg/shrimp surprise fer dessert that no one dared touch at the table…that we all know is just the catalyst propagated by the many corporations...turn'n regularly insensitive assholes into aggressively argumentative zombified anal-warts line'n up outside the many department stores by 10pm

savagely hunt'n fer the latest and greatest piece of over priced crap they can't live without fer 24 hrs...turn'n into callous cuntasaurus's when they can't find what they can't live without to the minimally paid staff forced to skip their dinners to appease their boss's bottom line who are already barely scrape'n by with their wits and their underpaid wealth 

made by the skillful calloused hands of Herminio and his classmates

all packaged up in an unbelievable fantasy that comes 4 weeks later about some jolly burglar that'll come down yer chimney at least once a year...but that's...another story!

it made me reflect on what it is that i'm really thankful for fer most of my

existence...though immediate family should be apparently has to be recognized just to save face when it comes time to make sure yer part of the read'n of the will...there has been many more important influences that have molded me to be who i am today 

one of my 1st biggest influences of acceptance was when my grama Viola recognized i was bitten by the 80's gender bender bug while i was live'n with her in my late early teen years who tore down her brown polyester curtains in her live'n room one afternoon just to stitch me my very fer taste of the spotlight

however...i'd like to go waaay back where it all began...i could not and most likely would not...be who i am today if it wasn't fer the enormous generosity of the HALL family that took me in durin' the roughest patch in my life and guided me in the right direction in the late 80's...when i was but a lost kitten without a scratch'n post or a pot to piss in...litterally

of course i'm ever beyond grateful fer my very dear dear incredibly infectious friendship with the one and only Peetrinella fer encourage'n me to go under that pink gelled spotlight many moons ago and push'n me to become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am today (and not just cuz she knows exactly what to get me ALMOST every year fer the past 30+ years on my b'day and xmas...but trust me...it helps *wink*wink)

plus i am eternally grateful & thankful that i am thee only revered unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer all of you kittens who have followed my ramblin's fer the past 12 years...cuz without you...well...i'd be just a whore in heels without no wheels in motion

BUTT wait...there's more

i'm eternally thankful fer the brilliance of filmmaker MICHAEL MOORE

who called it fer the dems a month before the mid term elections...thanx in HUGE part to the decision of the supreme court ripp'n the reproductive rights out of the maxi padders hands essentially make'n them 2nd class citizens again...

which was pushed by this pasty ass pansy pouter...

turn'n the GOP's much anticipated red tsunami blood bath

into a laughable drip as 106 election deny'n dipshitters (with more to come most likely) who puckered their chapped lips around the dilapidated anal entrance of their mentally deranged orange puffer fished emperor with no clue lost their race!

insert modest humility here 

i'm also thankful fer the many many many laughs of watch'n the folks

at FAUX SNOOZE and other G.O.Pee'rs soiled in their sanctimonious shit shorts on a loop after they boasted fer weeks how they were goin to bury the dems in the sand...murdoch outlets gloat'n with headlines like "repuglicunts will win the house by 50 seats!" and "repuglicunts will take control of the senate with four new seats!"

fortunately...democracy in peril was just a badly hyped dream as they only got the house by the skin of their chinless chin and COULD NOT UNSEAT ONE DEM in the senate!

and lastly i'm very thankful i will no longer have to worry about send'n out 

any sorta christmas cards or wedd'n invitations or swapp'n my snappy and spicy snicker-doodle recipe to ANY of these sexually depraved dysentery dipshits who voted against bills 

to protect same-sexy sex'ers 

and interracially inclined facials from walk'n down the aisle...seriously? it's 2022 and we're STILL have'n to deal with this bullshit? THIS IS WHY mid term vote'n really does matter kittens...

thankfully these 12 G.O.Pee'rs voted to pass this absolute nonsensical law and can expect a candied yam in the mail from me sometime never (sorry i just can't waste my hard earned benji's on postage...that's like the price of a HH cocktail...you understand i'm sure) however...i am eternally thankful you voted against yer crusty calloused co-workers...puhleez keep it up!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

gobble gobble gratitude

it's that time of the year again to help propagate the propaganda...

that we should give thanx to John Smith fer winn'n fair and square cheat'n at that game of "top or bottom" with Tonto and his peeps many many harvests ago...cuz we all know this is just the catalyst that helped propagate the propaganda from corporations...turn'n regularly insensitive assholes into aggressive zombies jacked up on LSD...

savagely hunt'n fer the latest and greatest piece of over priced electronical "must have" crap we can't live without fer 24 hrs...

all hand crafted...pennies on the dollar...by the skillful hands of Herminio and his classmates...

all packaged up in an unbelievable fantasy that comes 4 weeks later about some jolly burglar that'll come down yer chimney at least once a year...but that's...another story!

it made me reflect on what is it that i'm really thankful fer...

fer most of my life...i have mainly been influenced by female and female persuasions...and though immediate family should be apparently has to be recognized just to save face when it comes time to make sure yer part of the read'n of the will...there has been many more influences that have molded me to be who i am today 

one of my biggest influences of acceptance was when my grama Viola...who recognized i was bitten by the 80's gender bender bug when i was live'n with her in my late early teen years...and she tore down her brown polyester curtains in her live'n room to stitch me my very fer taste of the spotlight

of course...let me begin by recognize'n how eternally grateful & thankful that i am fer bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am fer all of you kittens that have followed my ramblin's fer the past 9.5 years...cuz without you...well...i'd be just a whore in heels without wheels

my aunt and god mother Ellen who taught me to stand up fer myself and take no shit from anyone and that age is just a number when it comes to have'n fun also fer support'n me by attend'n most of my performances thru out the years

but goin waaay back where it all began...i could not and most likely would not...be who i am today if it wasn't fer the enormous generosity of the HALL family (especially the matriarch Laura) who took me in durin' the roughest patch in my life and guide'n me in the right direction in the late 80's...when i was but a lost kitten without a scratch'n post or a pot to piss in...litterally

to my very 1st employer that hired me at the tender and supple age of 15 who tought me the art of stalk'n...when she paid me $2 an hour to report on who came in and outta of her BF's fucktard's cabin that she helped build along lake boulevard in Winona in the 80's...even though i couldn't work more than an hour a nite...it taught me the valuable lesson to never like someone that much

of course i'm beyond grateful fer my very dear dear incredibly infectious friend Peetrinella fer encourage'n me to go under that pink gelled spotlight and push'n me to become the unintentionally internationally unknown performer of my own universe that i am today (and not just cuz she knows exactly what to get me every year fer the past 30 years on my b'day and xmas...*wink*wink*)

 and anyone that really really really knows me...knows that i am eternally thankful and WORSHIP the quicksand the QUEEN walks on (even if i was not the "chosen" au pair fer her brood brothel)

BUTT...we mus'nt ferget!

those that saved the world this year by fry'n up a HUGE BITCH SLAP 

to the establishment!

start'n with thee lovably redheaded & incredible wittiness all the way from 

the D-List...MISS KATHY GRIFFIN...who was mercilessly tortured verbally by deplorable sycophants and left in a financially funk fer roughly 2 years unable to find work in her own country cuz the current corrupt administration was try'na silence her 1st amendment right...by use'n the powers of the WH to bring her to her knees... 

over ketchup and a rubber mask!

thankfully though...she rose up like a phoenix from the feckless fake flames after collect'n her thoughts and slayed the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit and his henchmen by give'n the sold out audiences around the globe the 1st hand accounts of what she had endured and to make sure it NEVER happens to ANYONE else and captured it all from her poignantly and personal accounts in thee sleeper smash hit of the year "A HELL OF A STORY"...if you haven't yet...put this on yer "MUST SEE" holiglazed view'n pleasure this season fer the entire family!

3 long and arduous years of back and forth banter of he said she said...

the 1st political high heeled powerhouse and astute speaker of the house NANCY PELOSI...finally stared down the barrel of a loaded "gun" put on our democracy and started the impeachment process against the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit currently disgrace'n the oval office

oh to be a fly on the wall the day she fried up a bitch slap to the mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of Cheeto dusted pig shit and made him marinate in his shit shorts... 

with the holiglazed season upon us...NANCY assures the people that she's still bake'n her impeachment pie..and still has a few more hidden ingredients to add before the pie is baked

and lastly...but definitely not least...is this lil loud mouthed lassy from the  

shores of Sweden...GRETA THUNBERG became thee most globally famous teenage angst with a mission...bein' nominated fer a Noble Peace Prize...among the many other numerous awards she has accrued fer her fight against the environmental crisis at the tender age of her sweet 16th

it all stemmed from GRETA strike'n durin' her 9th grade school year in regards to the heat waves and fires that hadn't been seen in 262 years in her hometown of Stockholm and demand'n that the Swedish government reduce carbon emissions in accordance to the Paris Agreement 

GRETA spent 15 days at sea from the UK to the US in her 60 racing yacht equipped with solar panels and underwater turbines...eliminate'n her carbon footprint on the planet...cause'n "the GRETA effect" amongst her peers around the planet

so SPEAK UP and SPEAK OFTEN...and NEVER let yer voice be muffled!

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

gluten free punishment

well kittens...there's plenty to be thankfully for this gobble or gobbless

week...now that all those annoy'n...blood suck'n connoisseurs of no conscience are completely gone fer the year...no i ain't talk'n about Nosferatu or the Living Dead...heavens to betsy no...

i'm talk'n about ALL these brain dead...blood suck'n GOP'ers that lost their morals...along with their mouth power this past midterm

BUTT...in the end

with the holiglazed season in full swing...just a simple reminder that 

 nothing tastes better and helps soften that stool...when you'll drool over yer aunt Orlean's oral fix'ns this european invade'n small pox day...that yer kids will absolutely go batshit crazy for at the din din table...than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...even though it may cause a slight involuntary chain reaction to yer bowel movements...and a lil bitta weeze'n in yer breath'n...nothin comes closer to loos'en yer lunch and those pesky pounds than Arden Weenus's meat soften'n syrup...so pick up a can today!

there is yet another more ruthless...and frankly...a more devastate'n evil... 

that once destroyed millions...from Europe to Russia to the Middle East in the 14th century known simply as the Black Plague

thought to have been completely eradicated over a 100 years later...has unfortunately been resurrected into the 21st century...and has maimed and caused way more devastation by kill'n millions of consumers

 kindness's...now has simply morphed into another gestation known as BLACK FRIDAY!

this time honored tradition started in 1961 in the city of brotherly love...at midnite...as these everyday...mostly kind consumers...who simply wished to fulfill their everyday lives and their households while save'n a couple a benjamins on the latest and greatest technological wizardly after a very deliciously fullfill'n sit down dinner with the entire family...IS NO MORE!!!

as the turkey...ambrosia salad and candied yams just barely have time to settle in their stomachs...the beast inside them all...will awaken once again and turn them into these rabidly unconscious parasitic patrons of gizmos and gadgets to consume their miserable existence...before Tommy even has time to shove the leftover cranberry sauce down lil Timmy's trousers...or Tammy has time to finger the fix'ns again in the frigid air box 

thanx to the all mightyness of corporate greed...these salivary savages want'n the best deal...no longer have to wait til the stroke of midnite any longer to purchase the "MUST!HAVE!NOW!" crap off the latest assembly runway line carefully crafted by lil Ping Ming...Ding A. Ling...Ah So and Kung Po...so you...the shopp'n fucktard...can save some measly benjamins...what would take their entire family work'n around the clock...a lifetime to make...as the madness begins at 6pm on turkey day...and in some cases EVEN SOONER!!!

SAY IT ISN'T SO!...are the weather reports out yet? dear lord what will i wear? is the "real housewhores of whatever county" even gonna be on s-a-l-e? someone! ANYONE! PUHLEEZ!...OH GOD...thou for art have forsaken me...i beg of you to have mercy on my wretched whorish selfish lil impetent soul and give me the strength to make it thru this madness...but just in case...Bobby Marie and Betty Andy....fetch me my pocket kitchen cattle prod and shopp'n shank!

as the family gathers together in dad's "secret room" behind the staircase...the babysitter finishes gett'n dressed while dad lays out the

blue prints to each and every store section with the best sales within a 5 mile radius of their home...so they can accumulate the best buys fer their buck...and hands everyone a walkie talkie to alert everyone of any pop-up sales...cuz you know that can be a complete fuck over moment if you miss one of those!

dressed in their best pressed camouflage...so the bodies are easily identified in case they don't make it out alive...mom makes sure to pack enough liquid replenishments fer everyone so they can hit the sales...

and hit'em hard...pile'n into their hell on wheels...dad completely fergett'n to empty grama's colostomy bag so she can o.d. on a Matlock marathon and her box of sparklin' Franzia in peace...the family burns rubber to the first destination of happy helpers at Wally World on the "tour of discount destruction" 

Bobby Marie teams up with mom and hit the electronics...as Betty Andy and dad try to find the perfect gift to keep mom's trap shut come xmas 

morn'n..."daddy deez are pritty...and mommy's always say'n how cood her feet are." Betty Andy exclaims "how 'bout we git her some of deese"...dad distracted by an income'n text says "wha? huh? yea sure...here's my card...sorry kitten...daddy's gotta take this call...it's the babysitter  office want'n me to come in"

over to mom and Bobby Susan...crouched down and hunt'n like unbathed mongolian savages in the jungle...look'n fer the best deals at the bottom...

when Bobby's eye's lite up like a christmas tree...

"oh mommy P-U-H-L-E-E-E-E-Z! CAN-I-CAN-I-CAN-I?...i will do ALL my chores fer the rest of my life and stop play'n with Betty Andy's power saw and ratchet set" Bobby Marie whimpered

like a hooker to heroin...mom knew Bobby was hooked...and she would never here the end of it...so she caved into Bobby's desires and gives him

some extra cash she had earned in the "back park'n lot" earlier but told Bobby to never tell dad until he was old enough to move outta the house

and hour later...extremely exhausted after mom accidentally prodded Bobby's behind...from behind...while try'n to body slam the one eyed paraplegic fer the last garage door sized 3D HD plasma tv...which in turn...caused Bobby to involuntary impale mom's left breast implant with his shopp'n shank...they decided they deserved a much needed break 

today...so off to the Golden Arches they went...undaunted by the lack luster service with their corporately plastered smiles...the 2 ordered the double stacked coronary burger with 2 slices of orange colored drainage squares...large french coma induced potatoe spears...a sugary coated crusty cardboard pouch filled with pipe'n hot apple flavored sludge and a refresh'n 2 liter cup of diet coke to wash it all down...

(both very conscious of their caloric intake)

as they inhaled their happy tumor meal...off in the distance...they heard the familiar clang clang clang come'n from some homeless troll work'n fer table scraps and a warm bed to rest their ache'n head from the freeze'n

 cold...so they tallied up their receipts and carefully deducted 10% from their save'ns...and decided to donate to the red bucket charity that has been a time honored tradition that help's ALL without ANY sorta question or conditions...which always makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside know'n that they are part of the anti-bacterial self-sinn'n and grinn'n society 

3 hrs later...after pack'n the caravan with all of their preciously purchased
treasured belong'ns  crap...dad had decided to make one more final stop...

to stock up on a year's supply of head cheese...a vat of mayonnaise...a crate of reprocessed meats and bleached flavor crackers...and a barrel of spermicidal jam

but instead dad was greeted with the most perplex'n sign of all...

"sorry but we're closed...enjoy your holiday"

from the top of his lungs...dad whaled out...

 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIIIIIT?...it's my one fuck'n day off...and i had a whole weekend planned with my "buddies" at the cabin"

"Harold...watch yer mouth...the kids" Dureen said sternly

"WHADIDYASAYBITCH?...you want me to fry ya up another back hand sammich to eat today?" 

"KIDS...git odda the car! mommie needs to remind daddy that his "secret room" also has "secret" camera's"

40 minutes later...as the snow flakes began to dance like fall'n pirouettes against the navy blue sky...Harold and Dureen came to an "understand'n" as Bobby Marie and Betty Andy pleaded to be let back into the car...so mom unlocked the doors and the kids piled back in and homeward bound they went

as the last shopping bag was brought into the garage...the family reflected on the events of the day as they went off to their own miserable rooms...

Bobby Marie was thankful that his secret was safe with mom...fer now 

Betty Andy was thankful she got to finish putt'n up the panel'n in her bedroom

dad was thankful the "help" stuck around

mom was thankful she could still see outta one eye as she poured herself into a merlot coma decide'n what to do next...

and grama...well...no one really heard a peep outta grama all nite long

the moral of this mess...be thankful you have yer health...some don't...

don't let corporate market'n turn you into ax weild'n homicidal maniacs

now get off my dress!