MISTAKE NUMBER 3

picture it kittens...it was 2013 the year of the snake if yer into that kinda 

voodoo ...hot as fuckitty fuck HENRY CAVILL was portray'n the new man who made my pants tight...i mean of steel and had everyone and their neurotic nana cream'n in their culottes at the theaters...

hot as political fuck...BARACK OBAMA becomes the 1st non white american to win rent free in the non black house fer the 2nd time in history...

corn whack'n homo hottie from iowa ELI LIEB released his acoustic rendition of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" and trust me...he could wreck my balls anytime (meeeouch)

and we hadda say good bye to that pierce'n blue eyed hotness PAUL WALKER who unfortunately sizzled like a pork chop slamm'n into a tree thanx to his friend who was drive'n like a bat outta hell

BUTT that ain't all that's hot...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell my personality to a reflection in the fountain before almost drown'n and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was years before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs in a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav BURT BACHARACH 

record that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon this particular day

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until a small but definitely a

distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn't too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin to purfucktion...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the damn decade then plus 3rd time is usually a charm ain't it? HA! does NO go with WAY?

seriously...all i could here buzz'n thru my brain at that particular moment 

was the eloquently soft and soulful sounds of the CULTURE CLUB hit "MISTAKE NUMBER 3" from december of 1984

though he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...there would be no fuzzy

spine tingle'n afternoon delight fer me on this particular shitty afternoon...however...fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had already bequeathed me 3 of his!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational pratices fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always randomly ask'n me where i stand in the boudoir fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle...that ship has sailed and sunk since the 90's

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of

someone...to make me look completely unselfish...at their expense of course...

BUTT...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf

senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"

ummm...yea...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution

but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games here...you bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer

up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?

the hungry can starve...

the deplorables can suck it...

and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!

now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me

as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book

it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of CHER...tickets to her "death becomes her" tour next year

or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew me...you know she's like heroin...you just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...

of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the Minne-Apple...so unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home lobotomy...it's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards

i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh geez...how can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!

maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson

outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely machine...it's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

but her greatest hits is the next best thing

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads

"ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: the movie"
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985

shut up...it's my thing...plus my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it

how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year

lastly...to be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day

since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they

were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's it...now i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!

kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!