NAUGHTY OR NICE?

ahhh...the merriest of reason to stock up on xanax this holiglazed season

is finally upon us once again...where liquor sales are goin thru the roof thanx to COVID while parents start loose'n it and begin booze'n it...just cuz all hell will break loose if that hystorectomy pad in heels can't get their glittered claws on the latest fad fer their special lil ones reason why they have a cottaged cheese ass...while dear ol' dad goes an extra 100 miles outta his way just to take the "babysitter" home every nite...

so they alternate that tired old excuse...either #1 ol' fat ass in the red jumper was systematically busted once again fer drive'n under the influence on Christmas eve nite....or #2 they ended up on Santa's shit list again this year...

as to why certain lil kittens...who caused beyond unbearable chaos durin' these lockdown months...wouldn't be gett'n that special lil gift that they've been bitch'n and begg'n fer all year long

in the 50's...every lil lassie went ape shit if dear old saint what's-wrong

with-his-fuck'n-memory...fergot to get them the much sought after hula hoop so they could pratice the proper way to twerk their tush to keep their future pathetic excuse fer a marriage from fall'n apart by play'n that dreaded "my rocket fell into her socket" game

by the 60's...every lil girl and girlie boy wanted that bearded booze hound

to leave them an easy bake oven so they could create their own personalized "baked" goods...just so they could drown out the screams of ma & pa after cocktail hour with the neighbors

once the 70's rocked on...everyone was pett'n somethin' on someone...but

fer those unfortunate souls that never got asked to the prom...or even to their high school gang-bang...they always had their pet rock to keep them miserably happy til it was time to see Krusty Kringle the follow'n year

in the 80's...parents were pick'n out their plots if they couldn't get their lil

grubby paws on that delightfully diabetic insanely bloated Barbie doll that that fruitcaked fellow was suppose to set beautifully wrapped under their coke flocked xmas tree

by the 90's...every child would shank a skank if they woke up xmas morn'n

without their very own personalized speak'n furby from Papa Noel...which was really just the bastard child as the result of a gremlin and a pickled owl’s nite of inbreed'n

and once the new millennium rolled around...it was all just a CROC of shit from old Saint Dick!

though now a days...unfortunately still...the only thing approxiamately 666

children of a certain demographic class want from Santo Clos this year is a proper bed with 3 proper meals a day along with proper medical attention outside of the kennel they’ve been forced to reside in thanx to the mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE Grinch & his complicitly evil administrational elves...

and to get reunited with their parents fer xmas...

after travel'n endless miles fer a better future!

so remember...sometimes yer lil kittens should just be grateful that they 

live where they live & quit bitch’n about what they don’t have...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

the ORANGE crushed!

double double toil and trouble...fire burn and caldron bubbble

fillet of a fenny snake...in the caldron boil and bake

eye of newt and toe of frog...wool of bat and tongue of dog

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting...lizard's leg and howlet's wing

for a charm of powerful trouble...like a hell-broth boil and bubble

so about a week prior i hadda put in an order with this specialty doc..

in a long black point hat down the street from me...along with send'n a stamped letter to do my part in keep'n the postal system from goin bankrupt...to that that ol' fat ass in the red suit and doc martin boots and figered maybe he decided to gimme my xmas prezzie early...who knows at this point who got my message first so i personally don't know who to thank...maybe it's both perhaps? (since we worked under code names and all) 

BUTT...either case...i'm happier than a priest on a playground

of course i'm referr'n to thee most vomitous yet appropriately delicious

tweet heard around the world by that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shit and PUTIN's personal cavernous bottom bitch

only to be released 3 fuck'n days later...and we (the public) are to believe

the scripted bile vommited from his charade parde of stepford doctors that his health is in tip top perfect order...apparently a 74 year old bloated calorically overloaded colostomitic infused cardiac arrest who didn't have to pay a fuck'n damn dime thanx to his taxpayer funded healthcare is in better shape than the 220,000+

though i personally was glad he pulled thru...only cuz i wanna see him

do the sugar shuffle down the prep walk carpet in a dingy orange jumper and shitty shackles as KATHY GRIFFIN...dressed in a tasty LACROIX number of course...interviews him before he enters Leavenworth prison to use in her next sold out world tour

instantly...the first song that ran thru my cerebral cortex was that sappy

sour patched kiddie break-up ballad by Billy's daughter "WRECK'N BALL" that i was personally never a big fan of anyways...

SINEAD was much more effective back in our days fer those razor blade break-up moments

then i remembered homo hottie ELI LIEB's cover of "WRECKING BALL" and picked up the rusted razor blade and fell back in love with the song after all

though the only thing i seriously related to the current tragedy we're face'n

and this song...was in the title alone...thanx to this pic my x VP of my fan club sent me the other nite...my twisted mind went into overdrive as i feverishly gulped a gallon of plum redbull and was burn'n the midnite oil til the wee hours of the morn'n rewrite'n sadistic lyrics from the demented orange anal wart's prespective... 

with the one and only drag superstar SHERRY VINE or Mtv's hot lil henna haired JULIE BROWN who i could C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y hear breath'n life into it...so i wrote them both seperately and left it at that...cross yer fingers kittens...i give you my master piece:

feel free to record yer own version or perform it live at yer next zoom crapoke session!

if that's not enough to make you wanna turn yer innerds into outtards...

now some lobotomized fucktwat at the unofficial WH gift shop is take'n pre-orders fer a "commemerative" tin cup gold spray painted coin fer $100 with the inscription say'n "the mentally deranged orange anal wart beat covid" (i'm paraphrase'n of course) 

how i do wish the Sarlacc Pit on the planet of Tatooine was an actual real 

destination to book a flight to...i would love to bare witness to Miss Pelosi push'n his mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shitted delapidated A double snakes into it's belly...with C-3PO recite'n his famous last words that he spoke to Han and Luke aboard Jabba's sail barge...

"you will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the Pit of Carkoon...the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc...in his belly...you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years"

but that's just me hopelessly day dream'n...now go out and cast yer vote 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

HELL IS FER CHILDREN

ahhh...the merriest of reason to stock up on xanax this holiglazed season

is finally upon us once again...where parents start loose'n it...and begin booze'n it...just cuz all hell will break loose if they can't get their crippled claws on the latest fad fer their special lil ones reason why they have a cottaged cheese ass...while dear ol' dad goes an extra 100 miles outta his way just to take the "babysitter" home every nite...so they alternate that tired old excuse either #1 ol' Red Fat Ass was systematically busted once again fer drive'n under the influence on Christmas eve nite  or #2 they ended up on Santa's shit list again this year...as to why certain lil kittens wouldn't be gett'n that special lil gift that they've been bitch'n and begg'n fer all year long

in the 50's...every lil lassie went ape shit if dear old saint what's-wrong-with-his-fuck'n-memory...fergot to get them the much sought after hula hoop...so they could pratice the proper way to twerk their tush to keep their future pathetic excuse fer a marriage from fall'n apart by play'n that dreaded "my rocket fell into her socket" game

by the 60's...every lil girl and girlie boy wanted that bearded booze hound to leave them an easy bake oven so they could create their own personalized "baked" goods...just so they could drown out the screams of ma & dad after cocktail hour with the neighbors

once the 70's rocked on...everyone was pett'n somethin' on someone...but fer those unfortunates souls that never got asked to the prom...or even to their high school gang-bang...they always had their pet rock to keep them miserably happy til it was time to see Krusty Kringle the follow'n year

in the 80's...parents were pick'n out their plots if they couldn't get their hands on the bloated Barbie delightfully insane cabbage patch doll that that fruitcaked fellow was suppose to set...beautifully wrapped...under their coke flocked xmas tree

by the 90's...every child would shank a skank if they woke up xmas morn'n without their very own personalized speak'n furby from Papa Noel...which was really just the bastard child as the result of a gremlin and a pickled owl  nite of inbreed'n

and once the new millennium rolled around...it was all just a CROC of shit fer old Saint Dick!

though now a days...unfortunately...in some corners of the globe...

some kids just dream of find'n their friends...

or just find'n their family...

hope to find a new place to sleep...

or just try to get the proper medical care they deserve

so remember...sometimes yer lil kittens should just be grateful that they live where they live

now get off my dress!

Santa's gotta clause

it's that time of the year once again kittens...where i selfishly think of

someone...to make me look completely unselfish...at their expense of course...

BUTT...

i was read'n over the new rules and regulations that RED passed in the elf

senate recently and i'd like to start by say'n...i am not too happy about his damn "conditions and calculations" clause that states...and i quote

"if unforeseeable economical circumstances are foreseen and are not forecasted from the previous year...up to and including stock market crashes or wall street clashes...big bank bail-outs and political contributions from unknown contributors to block certain religiously political agendas...then the trustee...known as the speaker of the house...known as the delivery person to the world...may then make any and all contractual obligations herein null and void until said situations are deemed no longer a threat to the bottom line of profitability"

ummm...yea...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!

i mean...i'm sorry about all the reindeer layoffs...some of yer elves loose'n their lifesave'ns due to that recently stolen election...and those unfortunate incidents involve'n Coach Comet that put shame on yer entire institution

but i'm not play'n any of yer reindeer games here...you bowl full of jello shots...though i will try and muster up some peace and good will to all those GOP fucktards who voted fer Lord Anus & Lucifer

up to and include'n all that other unattainable shit that goes along with all the tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la season'n...may i suggest somethin' to ya?

the hungry can starve...

the deplorables can suck it...

and the rest can go to hell!

this is MY blog and MY demands...i mean..."simple suggestions"...that i would like fulfilled as much as possible...or you can forget about Red ever pull'n yer sleigh again...cuz he'll be push'n up daisies instead...kapeesh!

here's a lil pic to prove i mean business!

now listen up!...this year i would like to forgo the embarrassment of open'n yet another regretfully wasted homemade or unthought-out present to me

as i am perfectly fine make'n myself look like an ass any time i choose!

do i need to remind you...that i have been a very good internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe this year…as you may or may not already know...and as a result…i have attached my top 10 list and would appreciate the follow’n gifts delivered to my doorstep no later than 7 am christmas morn’n…

the new ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK coffin table book

it's roughly the same cost as to fill up yer sleigh...and if yer feel'n extra generous...i'll take a signed copy...yer elves might have to turn a few extra tricks on the trampoline...but i'm so worth it...i swear to CHER!

and speak'n of CHER...tickets to her "death becomes her" tour next year

or whatever she's call'n this one...yes i know you know i've seen like all 5 of her last farewell tours...but if you really knew me...you know she's like heroin...you just can never get enough...just one more hit and i'm done...don't make me go all ape shit on yer ass and have have to rip out one of yer kidneys to sell on the black market...

of course i gotta trot my A double snakes out to VEGAS to see her this time around cuz she couldn't be bothered to come back to the Minne-Apple...so unless you got room in yer sleigh...i'm gonna need a flight there as well...but i won't push it!

Lord Orange Anus and Lucifer given a complimentally home lobotomy...it's like a home perm without all that messy odor and clean up afterwards

i just feel since we're stuck with these 2 fucktwats fer the next 4 years...a make-over would make them seem less...oh geez...how can i put this delicately with the spirit of give'n in mind...ummm...fuck'n diabolically retarded!

maybe you can somehow conger up Ed Gein to help decorate the Oval Office fer them both come jan...just a mere suggestion if ya feel me *wink*wink*

though she never promised me a rose garden…i can't get Lynn Anderson

outta my mind...ever since i heard her unknown hit...well to most anyways..."i've been everywhere" in my pinto blow about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and a prayer operational wheely machine...it's just one of those songs that makes ya wanna follow her everywhere she's been...anyone up fer a road trip?

but her greatest hits is the next best thing

a dvd copy (not blu ray) of the those 2 boozy blasphemous british broads

"ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: the movie"
just so i can complete my collection and put it in my will fer Peetrinella's last absolutely fabulous gift from me

Madonna's calendar for 2017...i've bought every one since 1985

shut up...it's my thing...plus my piggy bank could use a break for a change...say Red...while yer at it

how about send'n yer elves and Miss Claus out fer the nite and we cuddle up on the couch this fri dec 9th to see M's phenomenally eye orgasmic sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on Showtime...since the damn dvd won't be out til like sometime next year

lastly...to be transformed into Henry Cavill's underwear fer a day

since i'm save'n myself and choose'n celibacy this celebratory season

see...not only am i think'n mostly of myself this holidazzle season...but i am also think'n of how others would want me to see myself as well...if they

were me of course!

though anal beads and aromatheraputic candles seem like cool prezzies...
at the age i'm at now...ass wipe and air fresheners will do just peachy

so...that's it...now i'm tell'n ya this only once...don't fuck this up fat ass!

kisses Kringle xoxo

love Krystal

oh ps...and if ya wouldn't mind pleez...get of my dress!