MISTAKE NUMBER 3

picture it kittens...it was 2013 the year of the snake if yer into that kinda 

voodoo ...hot as fuckitty fuck HENRY CAVILL was portray'n the new man who made my pants tight...i mean of steel and had everyone and their neurotic nana cream'n in their culottes at the theaters...

hot as political fuck...BARACK OBAMA becomes the 1st non white american to win rent free in the non black house fer the 2nd time in history...

corn whack'n homo hottie from iowa ELI LIEB released his acoustic rendition of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" and trust me...he could wreck my balls anytime (meeeouch)

and we hadda say good bye to that pierce'n blue eyed hotness PAUL WALKER who unfortunately sizzled like a pork chop slamm'n into a tree thanx to his friend who was drive'n like a bat outta hell

BUTT that ain't all that's hot...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell my personality to a reflection in the fountain before almost drown'n and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was years before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs in a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav BURT BACHARACH 

record that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon this particular day

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until a small but definitely a

distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn't too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin to purfucktion...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the damn decade then plus 3rd time is usually a charm ain't it? HA! does NO go with WAY?

seriously...all i could here buzz'n thru my brain at that particular moment 

was the eloquently soft and soulful sounds of the CULTURE CLUB hit "MISTAKE NUMBER 3" from december of 1984

though he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...there would be no fuzzy

spine tingle'n afternoon delight fer me on this particular shitty afternoon...however...fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had already bequeathed me 3 of his!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational pratices fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always randomly ask'n me where i stand in the boudoir fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle...that ship has sailed and sunk since the 90's

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

the ORANGE crushed!

double double toil and trouble...fire burn and caldron bubbble

fillet of a fenny snake...in the caldron boil and bake

eye of newt and toe of frog...wool of bat and tongue of dog

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting...lizard's leg and howlet's wing

for a charm of powerful trouble...like a hell-broth boil and bubble

so about a week prior i hadda put in an order with this specialty doc..

in a long black point hat down the street from me...along with send'n a stamped letter to do my part in keep'n the postal system from goin bankrupt...to that that ol' fat ass in the red suit and doc martin boots and figered maybe he decided to gimme my xmas prezzie early...who knows at this point who got my message first so i personally don't know who to thank...maybe it's both perhaps? (since we worked under code names and all) 

BUTT...either case...i'm happier than a priest on a playground

of course i'm referr'n to thee most vomitous yet appropriately delicious

tweet heard around the world by that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shit and PUTIN's personal cavernous bottom bitch

only to be released 3 fuck'n days later...and we (the public) are to believe

the scripted bile vommited from his charade parde of stepford doctors that his health is in tip top perfect order...apparently a 74 year old bloated calorically overloaded colostomitic infused cardiac arrest who didn't have to pay a fuck'n damn dime thanx to his taxpayer funded healthcare is in better shape than the 220,000+

though i personally was glad he pulled thru...only cuz i wanna see him

do the sugar shuffle down the prep walk carpet in a dingy orange jumper and shitty shackles as KATHY GRIFFIN...dressed in a tasty LACROIX number of course...interviews him before he enters Leavenworth prison to use in her next sold out world tour

instantly...the first song that ran thru my cerebral cortex was that sappy

sour patched kiddie break-up ballad by Billy's daughter "WRECK'N BALL" that i was personally never a big fan of anyways...

SINEAD was much more effective back in our days fer those razor blade break-up moments

then i remembered homo hottie ELI LIEB's cover of "WRECKING BALL" and picked up the rusted razor blade and fell back in love with the song after all

though the only thing i seriously related to the current tragedy we're face'n

and this song...was in the title alone...thanx to this pic my x VP of my fan club sent me the other nite...my twisted mind went into overdrive as i feverishly gulped a gallon of plum redbull and was burn'n the midnite oil til the wee hours of the morn'n rewrite'n sadistic lyrics from the demented orange anal wart's prespective... 

with the one and only drag superstar SHERRY VINE or Mtv's hot lil henna haired JULIE BROWN who i could C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-L-Y hear breath'n life into it...so i wrote them both seperately and left it at that...cross yer fingers kittens...i give you my master piece:

feel free to record yer own version or perform it live at yer next zoom crapoke session!

if that's not enough to make you wanna turn yer innerds into outtards...

now some lobotomized fucktwat at the unofficial WH gift shop is take'n pre-orders fer a "commemerative" tin cup gold spray painted coin fer $100 with the inscription say'n "the mentally deranged orange anal wart beat covid" (i'm paraphrase'n of course) 

how i do wish the Sarlacc Pit on the planet of Tatooine was an actual real 

destination to book a flight to...i would love to bare witness to Miss Pelosi push'n his mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE lie'n corrupt socioapathetik sack of bloated orange dusted anal warted clown shitted delapidated A double snakes into it's belly...with C-3PO recite'n his famous last words that he spoke to Han and Luke aboard Jabba's sail barge...

"you will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the Pit of Carkoon...the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc...in his belly...you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years"

but that's just me hopelessly day dream'n...now go out and cast yer vote 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

it's rare i get moved by anyone new in the music industry these days...but

i stumbled across the cool smooth style'ns from this stunn'n corn whack'n bedroom eyed babe from fairfield iowa...ELI LIEB (though turns out i guess he's been around fer the past 10 years...thanx WIKIPEDIA) in any case...fer those unaware of his pipes...check out his love song fer those young tulip sniffers with the hope of somethin' real happen'n in "YOUNG LOVE"

and his stripped down haunt’n cover of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" gave me the chills...get the rest of his music here

this week's explosive episode is brought to you by the maker's of  LYSOL

when ya wanna eliminate that ugly taste that's been fester'n in the back of yer mouth fer years...or just gift a can and give it to yer fav-o-rit brain dead lobotomized anal wart republicunt in yer life...WH approved!

get a ticket to the catch up train here with pt 1 of TOXIC TENDENCIES...

and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

well...i knew at this point...even though i had deleted my comment from 

his blister'n visceral slash'ns towards me that morn'n...and resent it to thee actual intended party...the damage had already been done 

though to be honest...it needed to be said to him once and fer all cuz he was gett'n too close to Norman Bates territory...OVER A PIC!

i knew he would have SOMETHIN' to say about said text and i was not wrong...though lemme clarify my rebuttal a bit more than i did that day

cuz i was in no mood to keep this convo goin any longer...this was the 1st time i had ever screen shot ANY of his convo's with me (it was just easier than retype'n the train wreck texted out to thee intended recipient) cuz everything in his text was gett'n sooo diabolically insane and quite obviously jell-o on his part and completely destructive to the aura colors that i had planned & personally picked out on this particular day to wear...and like any true vanity case...he wanted to get in one last barbie

he would go off on me like a paranoid parrot past their prime steak n cake days...much like a halitosed hooker would to their pimp fer not remember'n their bday bonus...and this...unfortunately...would be the final nail in the coffin fer our mutual 25 year friendship!

now i don't even know where to begin with this?...but i'll break it down fer ya anyways!

OK 1st off...i am ONLY 49.5 years old...he should be well aware of this as a simple google search and a basic fact...since he is just a mere 9 yrs

my senior (it's a well documented fact with all who worked with us years ago when i personally organized & threw him his 40th surprise bday party @ my apt) so i fer one am look'n forward to celebrate my 50th life on this earth later this fall (since my dad...my 2nd youngest brother and my oldest brother unfortunately did not get to have the same privilege as myself)

at the follow up to my smash hit play "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is a drag!" (that this very blog was spawned from 10 years ago) that i am feverishly putt'n together fer the follow-up later this year...simply entitled "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is STILL a drag!" and hope to showcase it on labor day weekend...depend'n on all this COVID crap of course 

(that he may or may not be inadvertently a part of now)

2nd...as far as the not hold'n a job...ummm i've been in bank'n fer 20 yrs

since i was 30 (do the math) and was recently laid off 3 weeks prior to all this COVID bullshit (along with 5 other tempers) cuz the company decided to downsize our department...it's not unheard of...it's just an annoy'n part of life!

though i do recall years back when i left my management position @ the same gym we were both mgrs at...to pursue my entertainment career...

that i subsequently ended abruptly (a whole nother story that will see the light some day) unfortunately though when i reapplied fer my same position back...a lil birdy in his 70's called me personally at home one nite to inform me you told management not to hire me back...hmmmm...wonder why that was? 

(it turned out ok kittens...the corporate office took me back instead...pay'n me more benjie's than what i was previously make'n anyways)

3rd...use'n people fer money? yea it's called employment...i do the work...

i expect to get paid by the people that are use'n me to fulfill their bosses bottom line...just like...oh let's say fer instance...a bartender who expects to get tips when serve'n drinks to demand'n patrons or hookers negotiate'n fer a lil extra ching ching if they happen to snag a bank account that wants them fer the entire week!

4th...as far as the cocktails and food yer referr'n to...i can only assume

you mean the many times that you have give'n a kings ransom fer the many cocktails and food you've purchased fer me & yerself over the past 25 years when we've gone out together (without a gun pointed at yer thick skull i might add) though my contributions over the years may have been a bit more on the lower end cuz of my pay scale...i didn't know this was a piss'n contest all of a sudden...hmmm...

i guess it's slipped yer feeble little mind that i was yer own personal UBER

driver without ask'n fer a single dime in petrol when we went out on our many alcoholic excursions over the years...or when you needed a ride to work...or from work fer that matter...or run errands...or take'n you to visit yer dad outta town after yer mother had unfortunately passed away!

HOWEVER...invoke'n my dearly departed aunt Ellen who i absolutely

loved with all my heart...and took care of her fer the last 2 years of her life basically (due to unresolved family issues i will not discuss)  before her unfortunate & untimely tragic pass'n...

shows yer utter lack of empathy & that there is no depth to yer depravity...cuz you knew it had absolutely NOTHING to do with her finances! 

though the same could not be said about you gloat'n fer years to me about yer parents finances and the millions they had that you would inherit some

day...even more so after they both passed...did you brag to yer other friends over the years about their financial status to them? or was it just yer twisted way to make yerself feel better by degrade'n my own less than stellar upbring'n? either case...at this fork in the road...this is the final straw the broke this camels back!

since i don't even follow said stalker on ANY social media sites...

except fer maybe gopluckyerself dot com...though i really haven't logged into that site fer years if i'm bein' perfectly honest here...so i'd have no clue how to log back in anyways so he needn't worry

you wanna think it bothers me that you can't even spell my birth name 

and that i had legally changed mine 25 years ago...well here's the thing callous kitten...i...like many others in this biz called show...change their name legally ALL THE TIME...fer example: 

did you know WILLIAM MICHAEL ALBERT BROAD changed his name?

as did the queen of rock'n'roll Miss ANNA MAE BULLOCK...did'ya huh?...did'ya?

or that CHERILYN SARKISIAN had thee unmitigated gall to be referred to as only one name with no last? most likely due to the fact she didn't wanna get carpet tunnel from sign'n autographs on all those 8-track tapes

and that GEORGE ALAN O'DOWD thought it'd be way super cool to add just a prefix to his name and drop the rest...a total rebel huh?

though singers ain't the only ones try'n to hide from their give'n names...

were you aware that 3 time Oscar award winner was originally referred to by her nana as MARY LOUISE STREEP?

and that NORMA JEANE MORTENSON did not actually pose fer the 1st cover of PLAYBOY like most people thought...huh?

but even though ERMES EFFRON BORGNINO has a line of beauty cream...you might wanna consider not marinate'n it...just say'n!

you can think i’m just poor white trash & all cuz of my up bring’n...but trust me...that’s completely fine with me!

in close'n...thanx fer the 25 years at the very least...but like any bubble...

it will eventually pop...and this one has...

so GET OFF MY DRESS!