with one hunky non throat plunge'n culinary horny toad student who H-A-D-D-A pretend he was a tulip sniff'n throat plunge'n penny loafer just to cohabitate with his 2 roomies (since mixed gender live'n was a no-no by the landlord in those days) or he'd suffer the fate of sleep'n in the confines of some cockroach infested YMCA which was the #1 hit comedy on everyone's magnavox that year
my aunt Ellen had take'n me fer a weekend sleepover in Austin, MN to her
bf Rollie’s at the time and that nites feature after a delicious mac-n-cheese dinner was the reason why i...to this very day...will never be caught stepp'n a foot on a cruise in any ocean any time soon
and a talented neon yellow 8 foot 2 inch anthropomorphic bird who could
roller skate...write poetry and sing among many other talents had dominated the morn'n airwaves fer 10 strong years advise'n the lil kittens across the globe the proper application of base...lip gloss and eyeliner...how to get outta sticky situations and a bunch of other shit
this has abofuckinglutely nothing to do with the story at hand kittens
i'm just give'n you a lil history lesson...any'who'z'll'ding...back to the shit show (click here fer pt. 1)
by now...as i settled down into his leather lazyboy...the son...of course...
kept walk'n in and out of the movie...while Miss Hathaway kept belch'n away with her Budweiser (i know...pretty huh...in a can WITH NO CUZY...i mean really WTF?) and pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic on the couch like he was gett'n ready to spawn
the second time...he (the son) came down with just a pair of shorts and a
wife beater on...well...i did all i could to concentrate on the movie and not wish i was 20 years old again (though if genetics plays any part into that kids future...he better snag on to someone quick before gravity smacks the shit outta him)
of course i could easily tell McDrunk was nervous as hell half way thru the
movie why the hell wouldn't he be...he's got a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in his presence cuz about every 20 minutes he would say to me..."you won't hurt my feel'ns if you wanna leave now...i can tell by your body language i know i'm not your type" (and that is a direct quote)
why? just cuz i was sitt'n there on his tacky leather Wickes close-out chair
from 1995...look'n like i was wheeled in like Hannibal Lector with face mask and a strappy jacket on...hey...who ever said charity didn't come with a price?
i did all i could from tell'n him to shut the F up cuz i was try'n my best to
concentrate on the movie that i'd seen like 1000 times before in complete silence and wanted to see it 1001 times in complete silence
i made it thru this movie without look'n at him once for if i did...i was afraid
i would turn into granite and graciously said thanx for the invite to his spiderweb...i mean...humble abode
BUTT...it ain't over just yet!
as he walked me down the steps...and out the door...the stench of costco
and glade marination was but just a distant memory and as i drove off into the bleak bitter blizzard nite...i realized one thing...i'm 40 and i still have a pulse! so if anyone thinks i'll be mainline'n a relationship anytime soon...for the sake of a relationship cuz of my biological clock...ain't happen'n anytime soon!!
i don't need to dip into the desperado pool...just yet...my hand ain't broken
besides everything works out for the best in the end for me anyways however wouldn't ya know it though...i wake up the next morn'n to 2 messages from him...one beginn'n at 11:47 pm say'n he had a great time watch'n the movie with me and wanted to be "friends" (apparently he was have'n an outer body experience last nite) then a drunker message at 1:34 in the am hour tell'n me it's ok...he said his son talked to me on the same phone line a while back and wasn't gonna hang out with someone that talks to his son as well!
WTF??? tune in next week fer the excruciate’n conclusion to ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK…now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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