whether it's regard'n a glorious matrimonial experience...
or some unfortunate colossally tragic event!
unfortunately...though some many be worth remember'n...
others just turn into a heap'n pile of steamy shit and there ain't no hallmark card to cover it up (unless of course you have connections to britain's M15...allegedly...A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y i said!)
well after a year and a half of eat'n bonbon's and make'n my debut in the
much anticipated 80's chiller thriller of the year "TELEPHONE" in 2021 which is already an instant classic i've been told...
by the lollipop guild live'n inside my head i FINALLY got a weekly deposit (HEY keep it cleans kittens kapeesh!) fer the past 3 months back in my old stomp'n grounds that i so desperately needed since my piggy bank was starve'n marvin
so it's time fer my to pull up my culottes and train my brain to get back
on my normal ritualistic sunday nite schedule of a st. ives mint julip mud mask...followed by a 15 minute "routine" of tea bagg'n the dollar store sacks under my almond shaped bedroom brown eyes...buff'n down those unsightly hooves with some borax and a high powered sander and a "special" cuppa cocoa to settle the restless natives down below fer a much needed restless nite
well this week i decided to take a walk down my misery lane of the date'n
pool in my blog ramblins' and celebrate the 12th anniversary of one of my most iritate'nly exasperate'n dates i've ever had to date that had the pleasure to be in the presence of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe (without so much as collect'n a gift or some simple canned goods i might add) though this time i've added a much needed pictorial car wreck to make it a much more aggravate'n yet an invite'n amuse'n read so give it another run thru again or perhaps yer just read'n it fer the 1st time...with that in mind i hope you enjoy my anally reductive car crash from 2011...on with the show!
with all the hoopla goin' on in my naturally born...single...non heterosexual
life these days...filled with the 3B's...bar's...booze and boy's (turns into the 3M's after 50...metamucil...Matlock reruns and mens-a-pause) that i'd almost fergotten what it was like to concentrate solely on just ONE person...besides myself...fer a change
mainly cuz i'm reminded recently...on a daily basis...how utterly frustrate'n
it can be...by friends and family members...who are...fer a lack of a better word...completely JEALOUS of my apparent chosen life (ya won't find me in the freezer section of yer fav-o-rit grocery store at 9 pm frantically look'n for that chemically injected cookie dough for the next PTA meet'n anytime soon cuz yer too damn tired to make em yerself!)
oh...i don't mean being a mo'...that's "naturally born non heterosexual"
fer those still spitt'n their copenhagen in a tin can and play'n pocket pool with their "buddies" at the cabin on the weekends with back issues of Megan Fox in the pages of MAXIM magazine...no...i mean choose'n to be SINGLE lifestyle...cuz after all...it is a CHOICE we all make!!
so why is it that i constantly feel the need to give to charity?
i mean...i've give'n to march of dimes...performed free for aids charities over the years...volunteered for the raisin rancher's at any given hospice...consoled the socially retarded...chemically dependent...and emotionally unavailable mo's...when is enough...ENOUGH?
territory again for another charitable act of the week (most call it a date) to the outer reaches of my planet called C-H-C-H-C-H-A-S-K-A!! (it might as well have been on the planet HOTH)
this guy i'd been chatt'n to the other nite...a while ago...YES…i’m still on
the phone line from time to time (though fer narcoleptically entertainmental purposes only) anyways....he tells me he's 38 years old with 3 grown kids with one bein' a mo' still live'n with him and said he (my date) had been compared to a member of the GLEE club...so i'm think'n...OK...they're all pretty good look'n and my type (well...those of the male persuasion of course...after all...i am just a gurl) and if they were older of course (my babysitt'n days are O-V-E-R!) so we both decided to finally meet at his place the next nite around 7 pm for a movie before i went back to count'n sheep fer the remainder of my sleep deprivation
BUTT wait...lemme break it down fer ya...one by one!
first off...as i'm drive'n to what-the-hell-am-i-think'n land...i called to
confirm directions as i would never venture out on a school nite this far (especially when it was as frigid and uncomfortable as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman mack'n it up in EYES WIDE SHUT) but he tells me i'm close so he was gonna jump in the shower and his son would let me in
i make it to his place and of course no doorbell in my immediate sight to
ring and i was in no mood to go on a scavenger hunt look'n for one so his son notices me out the window and opens the garage door and seconds later up came the garage door...i felt like C-3PO wait'n to enter Jabba’s lair
secondly...the son was like a mini version of Johnny Depp from the
"21 JUMP STREET" days...all tattooed up in the correct places...black baggy pants with a match'n black shirt with the top button slightly open...just enough to expose the beginn'n of "someone's" imaginational thoughts (keep me outta it)
i'm not into curly fries and wash'n it down with a bottle of zima and a tv crew
though we had some things in common...while i was wear'n safety pins
in the 80's to look cool...he was wear'n 'em to stay dry...i was here to see his dad...not be his "daddy" nonetheless i was guess'n the apple fell off a good tree so i wasn't gonna push the panic button yet...maybe it was worth the drive after all and he was super polite too (somethin' i can freely admit...i am not at times) he leads me to the top floor of the town home where it reeked of burbanite city
you know...that smell of Costco overstock pre-packaged crap to eat...
Wickes furniture...Chuck Norris gym equipment that never was used and burnt out glade plug in's...still plugged in...though i reminded myself...not everyone can have a flair fer design this was just a date so i bit my tongue and saved my judgemental judyness comments...fer now!
i tried to push the eject button on the date but i couldn't escape the son's
gravitational pull...he was cook'n some ramen noodleness (while undress'n me with his eyes) and since he had "GLEE" on in the kitchen we chatted about that and how cool that they had a musical tv series and he couldn’t stop admire'n and gush'n about my attire i had on (HELLO!...have you seen me?) i couldn't either if i wasn't already me (ummm...insert laugh here) i totally felt like i was a passenger aboard the can-it-get-any-better-than-this airlines
thirdly...but then it happened...*mayday*mayday*mayday*...you may now
use your seat as a flotation device...we are experience'n a major malfucktion...i no longer felt like C-3PO but more like Princess Leia shackled to Jabba’s throne!! my date...WALKED IN!!
fourthly...we'll go with 38 first...while i was actually 38 in 2008...he was
38 in like 1968! well ok...maybe that's a bit of a stretch and possibly a lil shallow (we ALL do it on 1st dates all you finger pointers so put 'em away) let's just say use'n Milton Burle mud masks on a weekly basis since you were what? like 12...not sooo good! (i just want you to close yer eyes and visualize it kittens)
ok...so maybe he wasn't lie'n about being compared to a cast member of
"GLEE"...i just wasn't picture'n the lezbitronic football coach in my fantasy date and believe me when i say...i'm being kind here
he looked more like Miss Jane Hathaway...who'd been bitch slapped by
a coke habit fer the better part of the 90's in bad 80’s low ride'n acid wash jeans...a crappy 70's football jersey made for the jolly green giant and still uses the same plastic hair bag with punch holes to pull his hair thru by nice'not-so'easy hair color'n kit to give yerself that unsuspect'n high lite job (the only good thing i can say about his appearance is that i'm glad he recycles!) plus he had marinated himself in enough paco raban that could'a choked the life outta a hippopotamus...however i figured...since i was already there i might as well just suffer thru the movie
so we went with KALIFORNIA with Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis...why not!
at least i could look at somethin’ hot...since i forgot my compact in the car...HA!
feel free to take a breathier at this point...make yerself a cocktail...then
strap yourself in for the second half of my anniversary next week...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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