page'n Miss Lange

famously known fer being the land of 10,000 lakes to many...

though more commonly known as the land of 9,999 bottoms...depend'n on which non heterosexual bar i happen to stumble into on any given nite...but there are many many many other greatness's that have come outta the north star state...fer instance...

thee legendary songbird/pre-PETA activist with the pig tails and untouchable ruby slippers who had an insatiable appetite fer role players into fourgies

 thee immensely talented lil purple paisley bucket of pubic hair himself that redefined the music industry with his infectious infusion of pop...rock...funk and soul with guitar riffs that can cut thru you like a spatula thru a tater tot hotdish

thee hottest players in the league...the Minnesota twins

thee best damn donuts in the entire universe

and of course no one can ever remember to ferget the thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe

but alas...there is even one more HUGELY SUCCESSFUL body of greatness...that stands out above ALL thee above...(well...only cuz today's topic is all about her and her current amaze'n presence on the tellie)

she's been molested by an obsessed over grown ape...

with an ego the size of the Empire State...and i ain't talk'n about Melania Trump

she's lyp-synced fer her life and got an academy nomination in 1985...

much like Miss Spears has done fer her amaze'n drag show concert in Vegas

she's even given a beyond brilliant performance as Irma Applewood...

married mother of 2 fer 25 years...try'n to hold her marriage...her family and her dignity...with acceptance...love...and change

from the bright lights on broadway to the silver screen in hollyweird...

and everything in between...JESSICA LANGE is one of thee most admired...incredibly gifted and diverse actresses of our time

captivate'n a new generation of gothic tales and a huge legion of fans...

portray'n the scorned wife fer the afterlife as CONSTANCE LANGDON...in the FX masterpiece

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

by season 2....JESSICA proved to be even more deliciously disturbed...

play'n a reformed alcoholic nun...SISTER JUDE MARTIN...for the deformed and defamed...

and gives a psychotically stellar performance with her pipes...that should be covered by every queen in train'n heels from coast to coast...before attempt'n any top 40 number in the big gurl shoes...and no sunday show tunes beer bust should do without...in...

ASYLUM

the follow'n year...JESSICA would return as thee ultimate SUPREME...

(beat'n out Miss Ross by a million miles i might add)
as FIONA GOODE...master'n the "7 wonders" of witchcraft...in...

COVEN

and finally....after months of withdraw...the wait is almost over kittens...

on oct 8th...Miss Lange will return fer her final masterpiece performance...that i predict will give her another Emmy come award season next year...in the best macabre series on television since the MUNSTERS...as ELSA MARS...the narcissistically manipulative owner and ring master of the cabinet of curiosities...set in Jupiter,FL durin' the 1950's...in...

FREAK SHOW

and no side show would be complete without it's cast of famed freaks...

include'n the return of KATHY BATES...as one helluva bearded lady...Ethel Darling

 SARAH PAULSON...as the 2 headed lady...Bette and Dot Tattler

ANGELA BASSET...as the 3-breasted lady...Desiree Dupree

EVAN PETERS...as hot to trot Jimmy Darling...more commonly known as Lobster boy

MICHAEL CHIKLIS...as strong man Dell Toledo

EMMA ROBERTS...as fortune tell'n Maggie Esmerelda

FRANCES CONROY...as wealthy socialite Gloria Mott

also starr'n an array of other brilliant sensationalalities...

include'n fan fav-o-rit...PEPPER the pinhead

 and introduce'n Paul the illustrated seal

 Legless Suzi

 and pint sized princess...Ma Petite

but the biggest freak of them all looks like it'll be the sinisterly sensation...

TWISTY

with a plethora of endless costume creations that is AMERICAN HORROR STORY to choose from fer yer hallowed eve'ness celebration right around the corner...start yer wednesday nite out right and switch on FX this oct...

for the most terrify'n reason yet to come this season

and get off my dress!

bleed'n hearts club

gooie gushie gobs of love wrapped up in a 2 hr tour...

make you feel lucky to be with the one yer with...thanx in part to flix like these

beautiful beats of heart thump'n poetry...turn'n even the hardest cynic...

into the most love struck critic...thanx to singers like these

well...i'm hear to tell ya kittens...it's all just a pile of steamy crap!

i think the Queen of Hearts said it best when she said...

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!"

though this may be the week for chocolate nibbleys...long stem roses...

and cheap knock off charms shoved in a tiffany box...it ain't ALL flutter'n hearts fer everyone

love...much like the latest LADY BLAH BLAH cd and water slide...

is a complete waste of time!

so why not be a head of the game this year and save yer bejamins...

try'n to snag that "special someone"...and just settle fer somethin' special you can enjoy...like a bottle of yer fav-o-rit tekilla...torn apart tunage and terribly classic heart break'n flix to remind yerself...yer better off without them...

 plus it's alot cheaper than kick'n back on some couch try'n to decipher where you went wrong

no one sung it better...than the queen of all heartaches...

Miss Loretta Lynn...with her #1 classic..."don't come home a drink'n (with love'n on yer mind)"

don't fret oatmeal generation...though ya may not know real heartache...

unless it comes in the form of a downloadable ap...i'm sure most of you broken bitches felt the slings and arrows country's saccrinated sweetheart Taylor Swift shot out with her hit "picture to burn"

country ain't yer cup of tea?...then why not try some tea and crumpets...

with this classic 80's blow torch song from Eurythmics..."you hurt me (and i hate you)"

rock out yer hatred and disgust with that fucktard...

in yer fanciest asymmetrical leotard and cool blue cat eyes to Miss Benatar's anthem "little to late"

remind yerself they were nothin' but shit on a stick...

with Kelly Clarkson's smash that asshole's heart into a thousand pieces hit "never again"

if these melodic melodies of madness still ain't gett'n that thorn in yer side...

outta yer head...perhaps somethin' on the boob tube will do the trick...like the Mistress of the Dark once said "revenge is better than christmas"

nothin' says "i love you" now get the fuck outta my life more...

than the holiday heart break'n classic "Thelma and Louise" about 2 women who've had enough of their stale mate life...set out on a adventure they'll never ferget...though the end'n scene needs to be recreated in real life...

by have'n these 2 baboons behind the wheel of that thunderbird classic...dont'cha think?

if that don't do it fer ya...try popp'n in this retold 80's heart warmer...

"MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...in 3D

cross yer heart and hope they'll die...cuz it don't get any better than give'n it to em up close and personal in a gas mask

rehabers rejoice...cuz there's even one fer the junkie lovers to understand...

"SID AND NANCY"

starr'n the brilliant Gary Oldman as the ruined rocker Sid Vicious from the punk band "THE SEX PISTOLS" ...torn between his 2 lovers...his heroine...and his heroin...and Chloe Webb as the annoy'nly whiney narcotic push'n heroine Nancy Spungen...Courtney Love of "HOLE" fame...makes an appearance as Gretchen...one of their BIG APPLE junkie friends

fer those bruised and battered and think they don't matter...

you might gets some helpful hints how to leave the concealer and that spirit gummed mustachio behind in "SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY"...a classic thriller about how everything that glitters is not fake swarovski crystals when a marriage goes bad...starr'n Julia Roberts as the broken wife...and though she may not have ended up a "PRETTY WOMAN" in this flick...she did a pretty bang up job...when things only go from bad to worse...and just like her orgasms...she fakes her death...when the husband asshole thinks his marriage certificate was a car title

perhaps yer look'n to prolong yer painful misery just a wee bit longer...

then i cannot suggest  highly enough the AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM  series...a tale of intrigue ignited by back stabb'n and lust in the name of CASPER...where sins of the past haunt the present...and you can resent and repent without all those empty calories...plus JESSICA LANGE is to die fer..seriously!

so in the immortal words of one sassy Florence Jean Castleberry...

valentine's day can "KISS MY GRITS"

there ya go kittens...welcome to the bleed'n hearts club...

have a not so happy valentine's day this year and puhleez...
get off my dress!