KANKEROUS KASANOVA

gooie gushie gobs of el-love-o wrapped up in a 2 hr tour

make'n you feel like the luckiest loser in the universe...to be with the one yer stapled to (only fer financial reasons)...thanx in part to sappy...syrupy slideshows like these

beautiful beats of heart thump'n poetry...turn'n even the hardest cynic...

into the most love struck critic...thanx in part to these palpable pipes 

well...i'm hear to tell ya kittens...it's all just a gigantic pile of steam'n crap!

i think the Queen of Hearts said it best when she said...

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!"

though this may be the week for chocolate nibbleys...long stem roses...

and cheap knock off charms shoved in a powder blue box you stole from yer nana's empty box collection in her moth riddled closet...it ain't ALL flutter'n hearts fer everyone

love...much like THE republicunts & the religious freaks

who've turned a blind eye to those seek'n a better life at the border these past 2 years...is a complete waste of time!

so why not be a head of the game this year and save yer bejamins...

try'n to snag that "special someone"...and just settle fer somethin' special you can enjoy...like a bottle of yer fav-o-rit tekilla...torn apart tunage and terribly classic heart break'n flix to remind yerself...yer better off without them...

 plus it's alot cheaper than kick'n back on some couch try'n to decipher where you went wrong

no one sung it better...than the queen of all heartaches LORETTA LYNN

with her #1 classic..."DON'T COME HOME A DRINK'N (WITH LOVE'N ON YOUR MIND)"

don't fret my lil oatmeal generation...though ya may not know any real

 heartache...unless it comes in the form of a downloadable app...or passive agrssive emoji...i'm sure most of you broken bitches felt the slings and arrows of german's latest saccrinated poptress KIM PETRAS with her bubble gum break-up/obsessed stalker with "HEART TO BREAK"

millenials ain't yer cup of tea?...then why not try some tea and crumpets...

with this classic 80's blow torch song from EURYTHMICS..."YOU HURT ME (AND I HATE YOU)"

rock out yer hatred and disgust with that absofuckinlute fucktard...

in yer fanciest asymmetrical leotard and cool blue cat eyes to MISS BENATAR's anthem "LITTLE TOO LATE"

if these melodic melodies of madness ain't gett'n that thorn in yer side...

outta yer head...perhaps somethin' on the boob tube will do the trick...like the Mistress of the Dark once said "revenge is better than christmas"

does yer dearly departed got'cha down? nothin' says "i really love you"...

now that yer stale fuck is outta yer life fer good...especially when some fucktwat at yer insurance company accimentally adds a few extra 000's to yer late hubbies insurance policy check...and you decided to pamper yer pussata along with yer BFF in the Canary islands

though twisted and fucked in the head...pedophiles are people too...

they just got their sexual screws...screwed up...with this dark and twisted tale of internet intrigue and inescapable surgery...that won't cost you a penny...just yer...ummm....lemme see...how can i say this d-i-s-c-r-e-e-t-l-y?....PENIS!

if that don't do it fer ya...try popp'n in this retold 80's heart warmer...

"MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...in 3D..why not!

cross yer heart and hope they'll die...cuz it don't get any better than give'n it to em up close and personal in a gas mask

rehabers rejoice cuz there's even one fer the junkie lovers to understand...

"SID AND NANCY"

starr'n the brilliant Gary Oldman as the ruined rocker Sid Vicious from the punk band "THE SEX PISTOLS" ...torn between his 2 lovers...his heroine...and his heroin...and Chloe Webb as the annoy'nly whiney narcotic push'n heroine Nancy Spungen...Courtney Love of "HOLE" fame...makes an appearance as Gretchen...one of their BIG APPLE junkie friends

so in the immortal words of one classy & sassy Florence Jean Castleberry

valentine's day can "KISS MY GRITS"

so there ya have it kittens...i welcome you to the broken hearts club...

table fer one...have a not so happy valentine's day this year...and puhleez...

get off my dress!

CAMP IT UP!

with the memorial holiday already under way...

the kiddies are ready to pack up their trapper keepers fer another summer of fun in the sun... 

and camp'n it up...tell'n ghost stories while roast'n marshmallows over an open fire...and wash'n 'em down with shots of fireball...so they can ferget about their inhibitions...and their virtues

well...all i gotta say to that is...fuck the bugs...and hit the rugs...

by shipp'n yer lil rug rats away fer the week...and camp'n out in front of yer brand new color magnovox...with a bottle of yer best mind eraser and catch'n up with thee campiest movies out there

so call in sick this week...and check out my fav-o-rit 13 classic campers

#13 "FLASH GORDON"

this british campolicious sci-fi masterpiece from 1980...stars Sam J. Jones as the hunk-o-rama NY jets quarterback FLASH GORDON...who's forced to travel with Dr. Zarkov and Dale Arden to the planet Mongo to stop Ming the Merciless from blow'n up the earth...all while bein accompanied by the incredible soundtrack of QUEEN..and headdresses any queen would kill for

fav-o-rit quote "FLASH...FLASH...i love you...but we only have 14 hours to save the earth"

#12 "SID AND NANCY"

though drugs may make you feel like a cool mountain breeze...they're not funny...unless of course yer deal'n with the over the top performance by Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen...the obsessed heroin groupie to punk rocker Sid Vicious played by Gary Oldman from the band SEX PISTOLS...

fav-o-rit quote "i look like fuck'n Stevie Nicks in hippie clothes"

#11 "LUST IN THE DUST"

though every one of the late great DIVINE's movies are considered absolute camp classics...here's one that wasn't directed by John Waters...this 1985 gem spoofs the western flicks made famous by Mr. Eastwood years earlier...take'n place south of the border in Chile Verdi...starr'n DIVINE as Rosie Velez...the dancehall girl lost in the desert on a quest to be rescued by shoot'em up bandido Tab Hunter as Abel Wood on a mission to find the buried treasure hidden in the hills...also starr'n Lainie Cazan as saloon boss Marguerita Ventura with an unrepentant sexual appetite

fav-o-rit quote "only a few more little miles...only a few more itsy bitsy...eeny weeny little miles...and then you can drop dead...you miserable hunk of shit!"

#10 "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT"

from the land down under...i was so OBSESSED with this up lift'n comedy from 1994...i should'a been committed...about friendship...fantastic adventures...and feathers...starr'n Hugo Weaving as the married Mitzi...Guy Pearce as the flex'n Felicia...and Terence Stamp as transitional Bernadette...after Bernadette loose's her lover to a peroxide exfixation...she along with Mitzi and Felicia pack there bags fer an adventure thru the australian outback..and what an adventure it becomes

fav-o-rit quote "now listen here you mullet...why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart...cuz that's the only bang your ever gonna get sweetheart"

#9 "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS"

released in 2003...this rip roar'n romp about a dysfunctional dreamer VARLA JEAN MERMAN...a delusional derelict COCO PERU and a dilapidated drunk Evie...are roommates live'n together under one roof...learn'n to make the most of their pathetic lives...and filled with more one liners than the back rooms of studio 54

fav-o-rit quote " COCO...i've had more children pulled out of me than a burn'n orphanage"

#8 "WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE"

a hidden treasure from 1996 follows Dawn Weiner...played by Heather  Matarazzo...as the quirky misfit middle child...live'n with unattentive parents...a brainiac older brother and a snot-nosed beauty queen lil sister...try'n to cope with her own insecurities grown'n up in the 7th grade

fav-o-rit quote "i don't mean to be a cunt"

#7 "BREAKFAST ON PLUTO"

though released in 2005...this indy irish flick is set in the 1970's...a come'n of age story starr'n Cillian Murphy as Patrick Braden...known simply as "KITTEN"...a trans woman who leaves the small minds of her hometown in Ireland fer the big streets of London in search of love...her long lost mother and herself

fav-o-rit quote "if i wasn't a transvestite terrorist...would you marry me?"

#6 "PARTY GIRL"

the perfect reflection of the times in 1995...starr'n funny gal Parker Posey as Mary...the party queen of the clubs...with an addiction to clothes...as well as chemically enhanced nites...gets arrested after throw'n an illegal rave one nite...and calls her distant aunt to bail her out

fav-o-rit quote "i would like a nice...powerful...mind-alter'n substance...preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills"

#5"PSYCHO BEACH PARTY"

stick a 50's psycho-thriller...a 60's beach party and a 70's slasher flick in a blender...and you'll get this 2000 camp-o-rama smoothie...starr'n Lauren Ambrose (from Six Feet Under fame) as 16 year old Chicklet...a tomboy desperately yearn'n to be part of the "it" crowd with the Malibu surfers

fav-o-rit quote "i've never been to an orgy before...what do i wear?"

#4 "MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"

released in 1991 comes this beyond brilliant made for tv mockumentary of MADONNA's documentary "TRUTH OR DARE"...starr'n Mtv's comedic darl'n of her weekly show "JUST SAY JULIE"...when Mtv was still cool...this lil red headed head of henna hair Julie Brown...created...wrote and starred as the QUEEN of the dance floor...give'n a glimpse into the life of what really is funny about goin on the road as a megastar...also starr'n a very young Kathy Griffin...Chris Elliot and Bobcat Goldthwait...rumor has it M herself found most of the film funny after view'n it back in the day...and sent Julie a half empty bottle of warm champagne as a consolation prize fer her deadpan impression...which Julie replied "it was really expensive champagne...but it had Madonna spit in it"

littered from bein' to end with famous zippers...my fav-o-rit quote to her therapist on the cell phone..."what do you mean yer not come'n with me on the tour?...i thought with the amount of money i was pay'n you...i was your only patient!...come on...you have to come with me...you said i was "borderline"...i even wrote a song about it!"

#3 "WITHOUT YOU I"M NOTHING"

another tv special released in 1991...from comedic legend SANDRA BERNHARD's off broadway hit of the same name...explore'n the connection between a superstar and her audience...with sound bites from Steve Antin and Lu Leonard...accompanied by melancholic musical numbers that only this jewess can pull of with the greatest of ease

fav-o-rit quote "when i was a little girl...i used to go home from lunch every day...and i'd pretend that my mother was a waitress in a roadside cafe..."i'll have a side order ma'am"...a side order consists of a white meat tuna...a dollop of mayonnaise...some carrot strips and potato chips...and then i'd sit at the counter...and ignore her!"

#2 "HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH"

now a tony award winn'n smash musical on broadway...that originally was an off broadway production turned into the indy hit camp musical back in 2001...tells the story of german immigrant boy...live'n in a trailer in kansas...who becomes the an internationally ignored rock goddess after a botched sex operation

fav-o-rit quote "i had tried sing'n once back in Berlin...they threw tomatoes...after the show...i had a nice salad"

and now the moment you've ALL been wait'n for...the creme-de-la-creme fer the creme-de-la-femme...you'd have to be live'n under a pile of rocks to not know about this chef-d'oeuvre...the movie more camp than friday the 13th or David combined...

#1 "MOMMIE DEAREST"

as if ANY introduction needs to be said about this cinematic masterpiece...the entire movie is littered with one liners that is the backbone that camp scripts kill for

let's leave it to an ABBA musical accompaniment to showcase the reason why this movie IS NOT to be missed

well...there ya have it kittens...enjoy the shows...and PUHLEEZ...

get off my dress!

bleed'n hearts club

gooie gushie gobs of love wrapped up in a 2 hr tour...

make you feel lucky to be with the one yer with...thanx in part to flix like these

beautiful beats of heart thump'n poetry...turn'n even the hardest cynic...

into the most love struck critic...thanx to singers like these

well...i'm hear to tell ya kittens...it's all just a pile of steamy crap!

i think the Queen of Hearts said it best when she said...

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!"

though this may be the week for chocolate nibbleys...long stem roses...

and cheap knock off charms shoved in a tiffany box...it ain't ALL flutter'n hearts fer everyone

love...much like the latest LADY BLAH BLAH cd and water slide...

is a complete waste of time!

so why not be a head of the game this year and save yer bejamins...

try'n to snag that "special someone"...and just settle fer somethin' special you can enjoy...like a bottle of yer fav-o-rit tekilla...torn apart tunage and terribly classic heart break'n flix to remind yerself...yer better off without them...

 plus it's alot cheaper than kick'n back on some couch try'n to decipher where you went wrong

no one sung it better...than the queen of all heartaches...

Miss Loretta Lynn...with her #1 classic..."don't come home a drink'n (with love'n on yer mind)"

don't fret oatmeal generation...though ya may not know real heartache...

unless it comes in the form of a downloadable ap...i'm sure most of you broken bitches felt the slings and arrows country's saccrinated sweetheart Taylor Swift shot out with her hit "picture to burn"

country ain't yer cup of tea?...then why not try some tea and crumpets...

with this classic 80's blow torch song from Eurythmics..."you hurt me (and i hate you)"

rock out yer hatred and disgust with that fucktard...

in yer fanciest asymmetrical leotard and cool blue cat eyes to Miss Benatar's anthem "little to late"

remind yerself they were nothin' but shit on a stick...

with Kelly Clarkson's smash that asshole's heart into a thousand pieces hit "never again"

if these melodic melodies of madness still ain't gett'n that thorn in yer side...

outta yer head...perhaps somethin' on the boob tube will do the trick...like the Mistress of the Dark once said "revenge is better than christmas"

nothin' says "i love you" now get the fuck outta my life more...

than the holiday heart break'n classic "Thelma and Louise" about 2 women who've had enough of their stale mate life...set out on a adventure they'll never ferget...though the end'n scene needs to be recreated in real life...

by have'n these 2 baboons behind the wheel of that thunderbird classic...dont'cha think?

if that don't do it fer ya...try popp'n in this retold 80's heart warmer...

"MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...in 3D

cross yer heart and hope they'll die...cuz it don't get any better than give'n it to em up close and personal in a gas mask

rehabers rejoice...cuz there's even one fer the junkie lovers to understand...

"SID AND NANCY"

starr'n the brilliant Gary Oldman as the ruined rocker Sid Vicious from the punk band "THE SEX PISTOLS" ...torn between his 2 lovers...his heroine...and his heroin...and Chloe Webb as the annoy'nly whiney narcotic push'n heroine Nancy Spungen...Courtney Love of "HOLE" fame...makes an appearance as Gretchen...one of their BIG APPLE junkie friends

fer those bruised and battered and think they don't matter...

you might gets some helpful hints how to leave the concealer and that spirit gummed mustachio behind in "SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY"...a classic thriller about how everything that glitters is not fake swarovski crystals when a marriage goes bad...starr'n Julia Roberts as the broken wife...and though she may not have ended up a "PRETTY WOMAN" in this flick...she did a pretty bang up job...when things only go from bad to worse...and just like her orgasms...she fakes her death...when the husband asshole thinks his marriage certificate was a car title

perhaps yer look'n to prolong yer painful misery just a wee bit longer...

then i cannot suggest  highly enough the AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM  series...a tale of intrigue ignited by back stabb'n and lust in the name of CASPER...where sins of the past haunt the present...and you can resent and repent without all those empty calories...plus JESSICA LANGE is to die fer..seriously!

so in the immortal words of one sassy Florence Jean Castleberry...

valentine's day can "KISS MY GRITS"

there ya go kittens...welcome to the bleed'n hearts club...

have a not so happy valentine's day this year and puhleez...
get off my dress!