into the woods

well...finally that fuck'n snow miser decided to pack up his tapp'n shoes...

 and do his final curtain call on this very unwanted extended run this season and head north til november...so the rest of us could finally clean out the cooler and wash out the war stains from their sleep'n bags from the last sleazy season in the wilderness and get ready to head north fer many extended weekends...to ferget about think'n about nothin' that you fergot you weren't think about in the first place

to dip in the deep end with yer "special" friend at the lake cabin...

and catch some much needed rays...show'n off yer spank'n new bikini bottoms...to catch some spank'n hungry top...

maybe a fancy schmancy fish or two...

and if yer lucky...the latest must have STD that everyone at the center fer disease control has been rave'n about

or somethin' like that...but hey...if you don't like my vision...

of yer vacation...make like Michael and BEAT IT!

so the other day my very very VERY dear hairdress'n doctoress & savior

from many many moons ago...(who i fergot to give an honorable mention to fer save'n my follicles many many moons ago apparently)...we'll just call her K...to keep her anonymity private kapeesh?...anyways...K met me out fer a cocktail or 10 that day and we started reminiscence'n about the one time...her & her non homo bf T  

and their uncontrollably mangy eyesore named...Mr. Puss...decided to kidnap me durin' some non decorated fall holiday fer an out-of-town excursion...into no-man-of-mine's land...to their cabin 2 hrs outta my safe place into northern MN...and since i didn't wanna sit home and count the countless unreturned texts from my ungrateful stalker...i said...SURE!

so off we went...and instead of borin' you with somethin' you could care less about since you weren't there...i'll just give you the unsalted highlights

we arrived before the attack of the outta-town rush hour was about to hit the fan...and as we drove into the driveway of this modestly humble cabin...

HA!...you call THIS a CABIN?...ya right...it was the fuck'n South Fork of cabin's

i was wait'n fer Sue Ellen to walk out any minute and served us freshly chilled lemonade with a kick

turns out...it just belonged to their fun non heterosexual neighbors...

so i really hated to beat a gift horse in the mouth...but we 3 were all bunk'n in this shit shack...wait...i'm so sorry...i mean...their quaint lil shit shack...

oh well...i somehow hoped i'd find some zen named Ben...that i'd been wait'n fer...and much rightfully deserved at the time since it was my b-day weekend after all...but it was after all a free vacation from the bright lights and loud noises that i have so come to love over the years over any sorta peace and quiet...though i would eventually learn to love the peace and quiet that was actually quiet peaceful fer a change

from the outside it looked a bit cramped...but as the front door opened

i could see we had enough ample leg room to move about...

which was good cuz i didn't really feel like goin all Sybil on them

the air was fresh and clean...blow'n off the tranquil lake waters...

like an early morn'n kiss from mother nature's lips

all was calm and peaceful...not a care in the world...and really...i didn't care about nutt'n or nothin'...which was a good change...fer a change

later that day as the rays decided to hit above my index...

i slipped into my best bathin' suit of course...while sipp'n on some concoction they created in their lab (who knew we'd see moose toe)

lounge'n in nothing but my birthday suit...sun block and cocktail nearby

and YES...sorry i couldn't get Herb Ritts to capture this moment perfectly...but he was dead kittens...i only had my dinosaur flip phone on me at the time to capture these Kodak moments...so deal with it!



all was goin well...until day #2...when Mr. Puss...who apparently was given some hallucinogenic drug in his puppy chow by my 2 lovely kidnappers 

cuz he thought he was some sorta psychotic bubble bee...buzz'n around the lake...try'n to pollinate with those poor defenslessly loveable himalayan dogfish that i was so desperately try'n not to disturb...in their natural habitat

well…my vacation duration was a true gem fer the most part…and of course my excursion wouldn’t have been complete without 1 umbrella...1 bottle of 1000 unscientifically unproven sun block fer the boat ride and and 1 non think'n think'n cap that i had borrowed to keep my milky white 

freshness in tact...I felt just like Jane Seymour in “somewhere in time”...but without all the Christopher Reeve moments

the bars alone were there own seperate experience at nite...with one crypt keep'n bartender even give'n me the "wonkie eye" one nite...yaaaaa right!

come up fer air diver dan...i moved outta desperadoville...like 8 hours ago

but as day turned to nite...and nite into dazed...by day 4...I had hit my threshold of booze…bugs and bad hygiened in my jeans afternoons

T tells me at 8 am on the 5th day that morn’n…we’d have to stick around til 

5 that nite fer the installers to install their central air unit...ummm yea...remember when a trip to the woods was just a simple place to lay down at nite... 

and bein' watched by some machete wield'n psycho along the shore line was acceptable?

OH NO! not fer these 2

I of course said nothing…since I was along fer the free ride...but i was ready to install my own unit into someone's central location 

unfortunately...there would be no Bobby wait'n fer me in the shower...

 if my head could speak...i would'a been convicted of accimental homicide

but there would be no "who shot JR" moment...after all...since i left my broomstick at home...and my twitcher was broken...i hadda just keep my flap trap shut

and it really didn't have anything to do with K or T's hospitality...cuz they were the perfect host's....while they gorged on a very lavish feast of...

imported meats...a plethora of exotic fruits and vegetables...freshly hand picked by peruvian whistle children...and carefully sipped wines from around the world...

they served me a beautiful assortment of leftovers in a simple carry'n case

from Ancient Chinese Chicken Shack down the road and a simple mint leaf float'n in my glass of unimported toilet water

luckily...T just wanted to see my reaction…cuz it'd only be a few hours…

and thank CHER we did stick around!  

cuz 1 of the 3 stooges that came to the cabin that morn'n to install the central frigid air unit...i swear just stepped outta some boom chickie wow wow adult educational fornicational flick...i no longer cared if i ever returned

he was a total backwoods bumpkin with a gluteus maximus that looked like 2 of the most perfectly round scoops of butter pecan ice cream

(hey i just bought that reference last nite at the store...deal with it!)

i of course was buzz'n around like some love starved homo hummin' bird

ready to ruffle my feathers any way i possibly could

i...as the author...will leave you with yer dirty dirty lil imagination as to what may or may not have transpired between us...and let you finish the story as you see fit!

would i ever gone outta town with these 2 non homosexuals again?

H E and add in a couple of hockey sticks YES!!..i always enjoy hang'n with these 2...but on much smaller time frame and after they figer out a way to move the gravitational pull of the ultraviolet rays away from my milky white skin fer an extended period of time so i don't have to put on my bathin' suit again...(it's so hard to be me)

even though i might be some kinda antsy backwoods barbie at times...

who's no fan of bar-b-q's with a side of buck toothed patrons at some local water'n hole...at the very least...the backwoods bumkin...was worth the trip not to skip

now get off my dress!

this one's in the can

wow...it's been awhile since i held the last FUCKTARD AWARDS...but with most of my heavy bowel moments happen'n dur'in this election season...

i figered it was the perfect reason to have a couple of backstreet mud bunny moments and flush out all that crap...who knew unload'n a load could be so fun

i decided since i didn't have time to contact any designers fer a fabulous frock to showcase on the red carpet this even'n...or be bothered by it either

that i would just report the show live from my couch...kick'n back paint'n my phalange caps and hellish hooves in a stunn'n muu-muu worn by the late great Mrs. Roper

welcome once again to the 7th annual FUCKTARD AWARDS...

tonite's telecast is sponsored by "DAMN TIGHT JEANS"

DAMN TIGHT JEANS are so tight...they'll feel like a home hysterectomy kit

and by the maker's of  the all new and improved "HAMMOND 2000"

recommended by 2 out of 1000 carpal tunnel suffers...and 100 out of 100 post masters would agree...you'll never have to worry about loose'n yer train of thought...like you thought

can we get the lights down pleez?...thanx...and tonite's nominee's are...

that walk'n cliterectomy cougar...Miss Fail'n Palin...puhleez give it up fer 'merica's fav-o-rit dr. suess'n crossword puzzle'n explosion of stupidity...well cuz no one else really did in cheddar county recently when she drove her crazy train there to stump fer TRUMP...but after 3 minutes in...most of the audience just wanted to take a dump...even the crickets left the build'n before she was half way thru her screech speech

next up...cartoon DONALD...fer cause'n childish coercesions recently...

as a guest on the Late Show w/Stephen Colbert and ruin'n saturday morn'ns fer all the lil kittens and their inbred intellectuals that spawned them

though it was never part of my beauty palette when beat'n my face up...

i will never look at you the same again orange bronzer

and the wiener goes to...oh...i'm so unenthusiastically nervous kittens...

you would think by the prior nominee's this even'n...that i would'a give'n the FUCKTARD AWARD to this loud mouthed sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot'd baboon...fer his recent remarks regard'n a woman's right to an abortion and recieve'n some sort of  complimentary punishment

BUTT...you'd be wrong...

though he tried to back track his ridiculously ludicrous diarrhea...he pretty much just pissed off both sides of the pro life/pro choice movement...

no...the winner of the 7th annual FUCKTARD AWARD goes to the loud mouthed sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot'd baboons parents...fer NOT have'n an abortion 69 years ago and save'n the mashed potato minds of millions who are too busy try'na figer out why "keep'n up with the kankersoredashians" or ANY "real housewives of whatever county" haven't been nominated fer an oscar yet!

now i ain't here to try and sway ya one way or another how to vote kittens

YER VOTE IS YER RIGHT (or consequence)...all i'm say'n is...i think Kate sums it up best fer me....thanx fer tune'n in...so until next reason fer my award season...get off my dress!

ARSCHLOCH!

sounds so "je ne sais quoi" when said in french...even though the title 

is in german...but once you figer out the translation...it just means yer an asshole

there's always that one lil kitten that'll pounce on those who are weak

just to prove that they are a total A double snake hole to their friends...it's an annoy'n but all to often an acceptable passage into teenage life...kids just being kids!

BUT there are those that NEVER grow up...and what is a butt...

but an asshole full of shit!

i had fergotten about most of my teenage angst and ridicule that i suffered at the hands of certain peers thru-out high school...like most do once they

leave the shell of their former self...that is until one particular incident reminded me some people never grow up...

and it made me hop on my huffy bike and remember how cruel a certain portion of the prepubescent pimple charade parade can really be to their generational flock

after a much deserved nervous breakdown durin' my religious education in 10th grade...i got my pink slip to finally attend public education...after being forced to attended J-man high school fer the past 3 years of my life

(FYI...the prepubescent pimple population AIN'T any better in the J-man schools)

by my 3rd month at public education...most of my friends that i had acquired pre-high school...were no longer interested nor remembered who i was...and i couldn't blame them...I WAS NO LONGER the "Kermie"...

"mohican" or any of the other countless nicknames i was christened with durin' grade school (i will have to say to their credit...as far as nicknames went...i pretty much went unscathed...unlike alot of the easier targets)

but 3 years and puberty later...we ALL changed...physically...mentally...

and socially...why not!...i no longer sported the Richie Cunningham cut...sitt'n at the lunch table across from my 2 friends from my previous life

it's was the 80's after all...and i'd built a shield of ownership and absolute

 independence...thanx in part to the wondrous worlds of my 2 hero's...Mr. O'Dowd & Miss Ciccone...whenever i was down i would lock myself in my room for hours...turn'n my boombox to ear pierce'n high (or maybe that was my voice) torture'n brainwash'n my household as i auditioned on my own stage 

with the help of sister's strawberry shortcake mirror and hairbrush that i repossessed fer her make'n a mess of our sleep'n quarters

i had tossed away my depression pants and suppression blouse i had worn for 3 years in J-man school...and was now a tick'n time bomb that

 finally exploded all over everyone around me since i was no longer shackled to the bible stories comic book of casually convenient oppressiveness's or under any religious fashion police regime...and became the singer of the very sound of my hometown along with my psychotically artistic genius and friend Dr. Bob...fer one memorable nite only...in the ASTRO PUSSYCATS

a force field of aqua net held up my crown of spikes atop of my head...

and i thought nothing or no one could huff or puff or blow my balance down...that is...until 7:45 am one morn'n

BUTT....move'n on

Wendy and Shelly (not to be confused with Wendy and Lisa from Prince)

incidentally...i met a Lisa D who was my 1st newly acquired friend that day (now where was i) oh yea...so their eyes popped outta their heads

like some Ren & Stimpy cartoon...after what they had just witnessed in front of them

feel'n a slight breeze pass the top of me...i noticed someone runn'n away like some alter boy from a confessional...confused...i had asked them both

"what just happened?" runn'n my hand across the back of my head...i felt one of the spikes in my crown was no longer around and there was no dr. suess rhyme that could possibly calm me down

the blood rushed to my head like i was about to rip outta my clothes...

 any second so i immediately had to make a decision...since i spent a good hour prior to school perfect'n my image to be seen (as those in the pimple parade usually do)

do i go ape shit and Columbine the entire pimple parade in my sight?

or do i have a nuclear meltdown and spontaneously combust?

since i didn't pack my sawed off shot-gun (well Bambie cured me of that)

and i knew physically...i could be snapped like a pea pod...so i darted fer the nearest exit before the 1st tear would ever hit the lunch room floor

by the time i made it home...i didn't care what anyone thought anymore and the flood gates opened...i could barely form a sentence relive'n the horror to Miss Crawford...who wondered why i was home from school so early...but i wasn't expect'n the response that i was given by my parental

adviser..."if ya wanna look like an ass...ya get what you deserve!"

(and unfortunately...that is a direct quote seared into my memory banks)

so i hopped on my sparkly huffy bike to my best friend's palatial palace...

in the house'n projects and luckily his ma Sis...in her daisy dukes...puff'n away on her marlboro lites...gave me a completely different slice of advice cake to eat...

"you sue that mother fucker and tell the judge you were grow'n yer hair to be in a rock band!" (and YES ...even though it's been over 30 years...i kept that quote in my memory banks)

WOW!...that was the straw the broke this non heterosexual's timid shell

i had my Judge Judy moment 3 months later...

and acquired a new crop of cool friends along the way

it was THEE event of the decade that year...the punk versus the prep

or at the very least...in my pre unintentionally internationally unknown universe's head...it had never been done before...nonetheless i was not gonna back down...i had my fair share of threats thrown my way from the treacherous ticks try'na talk me outta it...i had heard years later...a portion of the school had placed 2 to 10 odds that i was even gonna win...

fuck me gently with a chainsaw...i had zero desire to let anyone pull off my scrunchy again...i was gonna let all know who i was!

and even though i had only won $37 outta the $2500 i was ask'n for...

(hey i was 16...i was goin for the big bucks anyway i could) i wanted outta dodge A.S.A.P. and start my own destination...written by my own rules...far away from the backwater mentality of some small cow-town crap

i've since become the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe in my own dimly lit spotlight (as you very well know by now) and no one's rays can harm me anymore...so don't waste yer breath...just GET OFF MY DRESS!