num yo ho...oh no!...really?

i've always wanted to ride around the midnite skies on a broomstick...

half that wish came true...now if i can only learn how to fly...HA!

to be part of some sorta coven of cackle'n colostomy carry'n tea baggers

one of my all time fav-or-it shows i used to watch as a small child when i would visit my grama’s house that dealt with cast'n spells and conjuration...

i'm talk'n about the original witch series from the 60's

and not that piece of refried crap-o-rama version...

that the new millennium non verbal communicative generation ignored

starr’n Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens…

the perfect suburban housewife…who just happens to be a witch!

and her flamboyantly colorful spit-fire of a mother...Endora

with her flame red locks...electric blue shadow and egyptian eyeliner...no self indoctrinate'n queen over the age of 80's Molly Ringwaldness would live without when they wanted to camp it up fer the nite

and how could you ferget the lilest witch of them all…Tabitha

the original Olsen Twin 

(don’t feel like a total anal wart…i only found out Tabitha was played by twins while doin' research fer this very important and extremely educational blog)

then of course there were those 3 bad ass witches from Eastwick

but the most famous of all would be the bitchiest witchiest from the west

and her sugar plum saccharinated schoolmate from the northside of town

the QUEEN even played the stylish witch Elspeth in the movie "Four Rooms"

of course who didn't love the self centered SUPREME on AHS...

while all these super natural sisters possess some sorta super natural hocus pocus powers with the twitch of their nose or the zing of their fingers...there was that one period of time during the 1600's...

when it wasn't really in vogue fer them if they were accused of being one

but none of these lovely ladies compares to the hocus pocus i experienced myself a while ago back on a pilgrimage to an open house that i went to...

and before i begin…this is a TOTAL observation on my part…from MY point of view as an innocent on liquor…i mean on looker…at a bullshit BUDDHIST gather'n

but trust me…i’d wish i was on liquor half way thru this rodeo show!

now Buddhism and Hinduism are sorta a cross stitch religion that seek the wisdom more than the worship...but i ain't got time to break them down fer ya...so feel free to wikipedia yer A double snakes away anytime ya want!

to begin...traditionally...a buddhist monk is rapped in like 300 count orange bed sheets from some sorta bed bath and beyond buddha shop...

with a very closed cropped hair style...to cut down on the shampoo bill

to get a better picture in yer mind...think Sinead O'connor...

but with alot less grammy nominations

they have a good eye for the use of bright and cheerful colors...

unlike that other store bought religion that's more torturous on the eyes

but if ya ask me…it’s just like that imaginary pillow factory in the sky that the other religion believes in…only yer on some kinda hocus pocus acid trip

when ya boil em all down in the big melt'n pot of life though…

they basically all just say’n be NICE to everyone!

so of course who hasn't heard of the Tibetan BUDDHA...

(if ya haven't...this is it folks)

then there's KRISHNA...the most popular well known of the Hindu g*ds

think they might have a copyright infridgment lawsuit againt these guys...

pretty much the same look...but with alot less drag

then there's Hanuman...the monkey god...

who i'm sure had somethin' to do with make'n these monkeys...

into a very popular franchise since the 60's

and my fav-o-rit of all gods...is VIRAT SWARUPA...

it's like a poo-poo platter of personalities...it's like yer very own menage a trois..times 10...without all those messy STD appointments!

wasn't Sally Fields portrayal of this one to perfection?

so anywho as i was say'n...i sat thru my 1st session a while back...

(cuz there was no one interest'n in the area)

with a bunch of monks and burbanite raisin ranchers…humm'n and humm'n some hocus pocus chant from some unreadable comic book (shocker!)

when i realized they just sounded like a bunch of gereatrics...

try'n to jump start a jeep parade

then throw in the occasional dinner bell...

which i read no indication in the comic book i couldn't fuck'n understand nor follow in the first place...about when the ring'n of the dinner bell should occur

and you got a very underground version of the Tabernacle Choir...but trust me...the Tabernacle Choir doesn't have to worry about gett'n voted off on the next season of "chant"n with the religious stars" anytime soon

as one of the zombies…i mean chanter's…(and this i cannot confirm nor deny since i chose not to partake in this ritual) passed out some sorta grits and bacon bits to the unmalnourished flock…(GEEZ…what am i think'n) i mean the starve'n space cadets…i’m think’n…i'da wished i hadda V8...

with some stoli in it!...and no where in the program does it state that you are to eat only half…and give the rest as an offer'n to fill the Buddha's belly

now here me out… wouldn't it be more prudent…and far more practical…time wise let's say…if this REALLY needs to be part of the gong show…(i mean ceremonial festivities)…to only let the catatonic crowd take what they need to devour…and leave the rest for the sacrificialess ceremony?

cuz trust me…fer us new comers forced into this atmosphere under false pretenses or those who've gathered cuz they have no clue what to do with themselves religiously…you see someone come’n at you with a plate of…

twigs and berries…i’m sorry…but g*d or no g*d...it's hungry hungry hippo time at this point of the game…let the g*d find his or her own table scraps…i was hungry!

and apparently so was the one sitt'n next to me…cuz when the waiter came

back fer the offer’n…there was none to be had...ummm…sorry charlie!

half the congregation at this point had no clue what page everyone was on after the ceremonial offer'n of the table scraps...and i no longer had zero interest in partake'n in this hocus pocus focus group anymore…and my prayer was answered when someone came in behind me and i generously offered up my seat and made a b-line back to reality

now i may sound like i got a stick up my Vishnu...

but hey……ya never get a second chance to make a first impression...

well…unless of course yer Pete Burns from "you spin me around" fame

but to my credit....i sorta had already dabbled in this once before...
when Boy George was inspired by the hari krishna's and Buddha

back in the early 90's with his short lived band JESUS LOVES YOU

and wrote a complete album of songs with the tambourine players in mind

called "THE MARTYR MANTRAS"..."BOW DOWN MISTER" was sorta the top 10 long distance dedication to the religion

but unlike most organized religions look'n fer hand-outs…from my quick classes via wikipedia…this is the one that seems less about condemn'n non heterosexual man on non heterosexual man action …say'n that ALL sexual gratification will not lead you to the "path of enlightenment"…which is where apparently they wanna go in their next life

upon further exploration though...turns out that the reign’n Dali Lama...

who soon will be reliquish'n his crown…stands by the traditional Buddhists rules about sexuality

that the 69 position...

butt pirate'n...

and shillelagh schlack'n...is forbidden by ANYONE!

well…that leaves me out from ever contribute’n or convert’n to their cause…i’m sorry…but i can find more ways to enlightenment with my rusty ol' right hand!

so in close’n…glad those that do practice this form are less judgmental than most store bought religious brands...but currently i have no plans on join’n this hocus pocus focus group anytime soon either in the future...

kapeesha Ganeesha!

you worship your religion as much as you see fit yer way...

and i'll worship MINE!

practice it without preach'n it…

BUTT...

puhleez...get off my dress!

blind man's bluff

so i was gonna start off this highly journalistic inquisitional

masterpiece report with as many biggley words that i could ever imagine...to make thee most biggelyist word salad i could never explain to make it make any sorta damn sense to my many kittens thru-out the unisvere and beyond...as to what was the real reason behind the reason our TWITTER BITCH in cheap red ties...just wants to be basically seen as...and that is as thee most presidentialist prom queen in the history of presidents...but we all know how it ended fer Carrie's classmates

by throw'n roughly 60 million precisionally guided benjamins out the window...from a far off distance...onto a land'n strip...(without goin thru the proper channels of course) virtually miss'n every warplane in Assad's toybox...that basically did nothing to stop the regime from commit'n future atrocities with it's own people...

all to try and pull off some sorta mental magic trick

ummm...HELL to the NO...we're not lett'n Putin's A double snake hole off that easy...especially if the QUEEN BEE has anything to say about it

as i was about to get down to the nitty gritty of this whole sharade parade

i was distracted by another hard hitt'n break'n news story...that was unfold'n in front of my very eyes...oops...i meant the one below

(hey i gotta give some sugar to keep ya come'n back each week...right?)

so from what i could gather...just as i barely adjusted my smooth impeccably plump A double snakes into my local libraries A double snake holder on wheels...

flipp'n on youtube and switch'n on my think'n cap with a lil Russian Red...why not! 

(oh quick side note...i absolutely LUV their rendition of Miss Lauper's anthem)

BUUUUUUTT anyways...where was i?...oh yes...

these 2 obvious fans stalkers in back of me...started fight'n fer my affection attention by bitch slapp'n each other to death...and trust me...this had nutt'n to do with exchange'n ambrosia recipes and whether or not mini colored marshmallows should or should not be allowed

though i missed the beginn'n of all this dramarama...(dammit all the H-E-double hockey stix...i wished i had my emergency hot plate & jiffy pop in my purse)

subject A...all of a sudden blurts out "hey...i'm just express'n my gayness" fer reals that was his direct quote

like he was audition'n to be Barry Man-in-my-Hole's fluffer or somethin'

(ps...another side note...last week...REALLY?...AS IF!...of course that means the PC parade will flock to Vegas to see his shows fer the next 2-3 years...so it was a good financial move on his part)

anywhozillding!...so the much younger subject B was all "bitch pleez...you want that gay shit...call my dad...get outta my face...okaaaay!"

though i was tempted to toss in my 2 cents and ask'n him fer his dad's number...i was cock blocked by a non cock...try'na handle the situation the best she could...NOW...i ain't try'na judge or anything...i'm just say'n...

she was come'n off more like Office Laverne Hooks from the Police Academy flicks...once she got off her high chair

a few more escalate'n words and bitch slapp's were tossed about...back and forth...until the police were finally called and Hooks has the situatioin under her control

finally the shit storm began to calm down and they both just grew a few balls fast and went their separate ways

SHIT!...now there goes my complimentary strip search...oh well...there's always hope later on tonite 

so basically what the moral if this whole shit show was about kittens...WAAAAS...don't be fooled by the shiny object that our Lord Twitter Bitch is dangle'n in front of you...

listen up kittens...we've already seen this clown show once before...remember?...and most us with a function'n brain didn't buy it then

just becuz you play yer violin to the masses on their asses...in order to try and change the topic at hand with yer game of Russian roulett....yer show will still go on...and this is still goin to happen until we do somethin' about these bank roll'n bitches

now get off my dress!

POP GOES THE WEASEL

oh the 80's...what decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high fashion...very high hair and a very high life

but fer me though...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high...libido and try'n to find the best...

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenage years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs...when my parachute pants would puff up and out like a pre-ejaculatory pop tart many many times durin' the day...which...without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a new mean'n to the word "carpet burns"...that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger (or perhaps lung remover) of them all...JEFF STRYKER...with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "dancing with myself" "in the midnite hour"...enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "cool rider" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S"...Maxwell Caulfield is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in GREASE 2...play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer Michelle Phieffer's affection...and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury in the south to own all yer own teeth...

not a specific requirement...still top this day...thankfully though these 2 "good ol' boys" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County...and though they weren't kiss'n cuz's...they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time,,,just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep show freebie's popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when Michael Schoeffling...played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in the cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...but the cherry on top of his career...(that i secretly wanted to be on top of) was have'n condoms named after him....it was grrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes when it came time to spank the monkey

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...you knew it was time to start turn'n japanese pleez!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic HE-MAN appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...he made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"...

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 season...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST"...with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

but B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T...was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

though he could shoot the millennium falcon in the kessel run in 

less than 12 parsecs in the 70's...he was any twinks hottest twilight daddy in the perverse universe by the 80's...who could make you blast yer liquid pearls over yer head...in bed...in under 10 seconds...once yer phalanges found flesh

well that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane...now if you would...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone else's house down fer a change

puhleez...get off my dress!