M63

remember wait'n anxiously all year long fer that classic Frank Baum flick

to air on tv after the new year about that whiny ass teenager in the checkered pale blue pinafore dress who got swept away by mother natures fury one late lazy summer afternoon to some acid induced alternate reality world and kills the 1st person she meets then decides to team up with 3 not so closeted queer bates 

just to kill again and lets be real here...you know if they had invented hard core machinery like the M63 way back then 

she'da also obliterated all those damn sexually starved miniature chauvinists tugg'n at her basement curtains 

of course the M63 was finally popularized thanx to movies like SAVE'N RYAN'S PRIVATES

BUTT wait...

just like a letter is just a simple letter....a number is just a number...period!

in addition...no one has had more number 1's than the THE QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR herself! 

and with the world premiere of the highly anticipated MADAME X tour come'n to PARAMOUNT+ on fri oct 8th 

M is celebrate'n her 63rd this week!

and there's NO DENY'N...that M has BEEN DEFY'N the odds from the very start

she's been a lucky star

she's been a virgin

she's even seen an industry enhanced surgeon

from her humble begin's

she's made us move

she's even has gotten us into the groove

she's justified her love

she's lived for her love

she's even transformed into many...a dove

she's made her many statements

she's paid with many of her payments

she's even had to destroy some of her agents

from strike'n a pose

to take'n off her clothes

she's pushed the button like no one knows

from dress'n you up

to dress'n herself down

she's never been afraid to be the class clown

from a spicy spanish sauce

to a gawjuss beautiful stranger

she's never shied away from political danger

as a deadly sex kitten

she's opened yer hungry heart

she's even been known to tear it apart

she's collaborated with many

and knows how to throw down

but still thru it all...she's held on to her crown

from her tireless perspiration

to all her unbelievable inspiration

she's done so much thru-out the nation

there's no one in this century OR THE NEXT that will ever compare to that

 who is known simply as M-A-D-O-N-N-A

from a music legend in the make'n

to the motherhood you've never forsake'n

you've give'n far beyond more...than you have ever take'n

so here's to yer 63rd

and keep us guess'n...i guess!

i love all that is MADONNA

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

YOU DON'T SAY....

we've all unfortunately at one point or another in life have encountered 

those annoy'n self centered...self medicated...self deprecate'n...chain smoke'n...coupon clipp'n...name dropp'n...petty Peggy's..whether it be at the water cooler conversations or morn'n donut troughs at work...the grocery store...the beauty parlor or at yer local mom and pop video rental shop in the back room behind those oh so "discrete" saloon doors

well there i was settle'n down fer the even'n after a difficult day at the park

try'na sell ticket's to my neighbors nervous breakdown...just try'na unwind with a chilled glass of regret and some nibbly's and decided to go with an uplift'n heart warm'n family movie this particular even'n to help perk up my multiple personalities so i figered i'd go with Mrs. dearly departed Fawcett since she has never let me down before

as the movie was about to hit the crescendo moment...i had suddenly  

heard a faint muffled chime from my cell call'n out from somewhere deep beneath the cushions of my couch which always ends up turn'n into some damn twisted Indiana adventure anytime anything gets swallowed up in the belly of my current sleep'n quarters and i have to hunt fer my staff and wait fer a beam of moonlight to pin point it's exact location

BUTT anyways...

3 breakdowns 2 prozacs and a nam myoho renge kyo later i had finally 

located said cell phone in the pit of my davenport and apparently the chime was just a lame alert inform'n me of an unimportant urgent message from some unknown recipient on some tiresome chat forum that i use as a sleep'n device from time to time and fergot to log out durin' my movie so i clicked on urgent message from my late nite baller try'na call me over force'n me to regurgitate my standard diplomatic response

(i'm the asparagus colored urine bubble)

my narcolepsy had been kick'n into overdrive since the pandemic ergo my sleepless nites have been a roller coaster of epic proportions so i had zero interest in any late nite rendezvous with this rectally ravenous raccoon...however...clear as i thought i was bein' with his request...it seems he didn't understand plain go fuck yerself english cuz 6 minutes later...

he desperately tried to impress me by convince'n me to blast his death hole apart with my millennium falcon!

ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME?

this anally charged Annie "used to be" married to a somewhat famous bank account and he wants lil ol covid cash collect'n unemployed me to explore his cavernous cave?

well i guess i'm gonna paint my front door red and change my name to Elizabeth Arden!

of course after the metamucil had done it's damage and i had give'n the sacrificial offer'n to the porcelain god i removed my A double snakes from my $30 rebated throne and decided to give the only response that i deemed appropriate fer this colossal catastrophic chatty Kathy...

and in case ANY of you out there doubt the validity of my name dropp'n history...i of course have receipts!

HERE'S THE DAMN PROOF! however...i had a lil more gloat’n to vomit...

at this point my unconsciousness was tell'n me to quit while i'm ahead! 

and that my curious kittens...concludes this cankersaurus concussion...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CUTTER NUTTERS

picture it kittens...it's 1983....a canucker from Kingston releases his 2nd

single "CUTS LIKE A KNIFE" which stalled at number 6 on the charts...however...could totally be played as the backdrop to today's topics of terror...

let's begin...shall we?

the back streets of london were scattered with very sassy and salacious  

"ladies of the nite" durin' the 1800's who would do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G fer some pocket change with a shot of penicillin and absinth...that is until 1888...when suddenly they started dropp'n dead like Bryan Adams career

slashed and trashed one by one thanx to a mysterious cloak and dagger dude in a top hat simply known as "JACK THE RIPPER" that has been the catalyst of many books and endless movies in the last century which has still gone unsolved to this very day

from 1974 to 1978 sexy yet sadistic sociopathic serial killer TED BUNDY 

terrorized the towns across 7 states with a particular taste fer college hussies who parted their hair down the middle...bludgeon'n and beat'n...carve'n and sometimes even starve'n fer their affection once they've decomposed like a true self respect'n necrophiliac would...at a rate of 1 per month...guilty of 20 kills though admitt'n to 30 and maybe even more until he was fried like a fritter in 1989

once the 90's rolled around...i had moved to Milwaukee fer a hot minute

only to find out 3 days in that dash'n debonair JEFFREY DAHMER had a delicate palet fer dead dick...slice'n and dice'n his males victims into tv dinners...though i personally had nothing to worry about since he hadda taste fer dark meat...DAMHER would finally meet his maker thanx to an inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage WI in 1994

BUTT...it ain't all that bad!

sometimes serial killers are worth root'n for...especially if their hot to trot

and are actually just clean'n the country of countless callous cold-blooded killers...like SHOWTIME's "DEXTER" played by the incredibly edibly MICHAEL C HALL that ran fer 8 seasons from 2006 til it's absolute abysmal end'n in 2013

thankfully SHOWTIME has decided to breath life back into the serial killer

cop from Miami Metro and give his blood thirsty fans exactly what they've been crave'n...more hemoglobin hotness and splatter batter moments from the dark passenger DEXTER MORGAN that will hopefully redeem and restore it's glory days of gore once more

10 years later...DEXTER MORGAN has packed up his blood slides and

sold his boat and headed to the small quaint lil town of IRON LAKE in upstate New York live'n under the alias of JIMMY LINDSAY

with special dream sequence appearances from his dead sister DEBRA MORGAN played by the tough as nails JENNIFER CARPENTER

and trinity killer ARTHUR MILLER played by JOHN LITHGOW that one can only assume will appear as a flashback since DEXTER disposed of his body durin' the end of season 4 in the Gulf Stream

the limited return of 10 episodes begins nov. 7th on SHOWTIME

however...let's be real...dollars to donuts they've already penned and green lit at least 2 more seasons (everyone's doin 3ways these days it seems) so if yer plann'n on host'n a premiere party fer it's much anticipated return (and why wouldn't you?) may i suggest a menu offer'n of spicy bloody mary's as refreshments...a hearty meat pie filled with chopped blood sausage as the main course and lady fingers dipped in a tamale/raspberry sauce fer desert

bone appetite...now GET OFF MY DRESS!