DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt 3

what a weekend it was in the drunk tank with a bunch of tally whackers...

i mean...Lacrosse Wi...fer the annual early St Patty's celeo-libations with the relations and the relations-a-like...luckily fer me...this year...no projectile vommit decorated myself or others around me...of course maybe cuz it was colder than a witch's tit out

in any case...you know the drill...get a ticket to the catch-up train

click here fer pt1 you barren old hag

THEEEEEEEEEEEN...

click here fer pt2 you senile salamander

and now the excrutiate'n concussion to this DISASTER CAKE

so i moved into my own fuck'd pad FINALLY...oh i don't mean that sorta fuck pad kittens...(well not this time anyways) i just meant how i was fuck'd over ever since i planned this whole vaca to begin with...i'd like to thank (insert name here)...the insane trumpeters...but most of all i'd like to thank my sanity...fer putt'n up with all this bullshit and able to tell about

so any who'zll'ding...

sunday was spent pretty much walk'n around like a lost hooker without a home until check in time at 3 pm...and i stayed in bed until 1:30 am mon morn'n...watch'n MSNBC news porn about the latest clown fuckery show in Washington that was pretty much write'n a whole new season to 24 in regards to the whole Michael Flynn thing...seriously...i was way too paralyzed fer any more shit to hit the fan to budge an inch...let alone give up 7 more to any Tom...Dick or Scary Mary on line...the only reason i left my boudoir was when i hadda make the proverbial sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain goddess...PERIOD!...i only survived on some spicey wasabi almonds and a red bull ALL fuck'n day...and trust me...that ain't a pretty scene no matter how ya wanna look at it

by 7:30 the next morn'n i decided to pull up my big girl britches and venture out to see what this shit hole of a town...i mean this quaint lil shit hole of a town...hadda offer me...turns out...not much

when the 1/2 price ticket booth near my hotel opened...i decided to catch another show since CHER was NO WHERE to be found...except perhaps...pick'n out new patterns fer her lovely scarf collection...but if ya ask me...let's go back to the days of the CHER HAIR CARE systems...cuz that shit was THEE SHIT back in the day

A-N-Y-W-A-Y-S...i looked at the list of other performers in town and noticed that Miss Spears had residency at Planet Hollyweird Hotel...it'd had been some time since i'd seen a good lyp-sync production...so i figer'd i'd go check it out...and just my luck...Brit Brit was give'n home lobotomy lessons to Adriana Grande that week...DAMMIT!

so i went down to the next stellar show and always wanted to check out Miss My Heart Will Go On and ON and ONNNNNNNNNNNN until yer ears fuck'n bleed like a bad hemorrhage...with some crazy ass Circus So Lame fill'n in her background...well...would't ya know it...allegedly...she wanted to save a couple of bucks and was clipp'n coupons with her kid fer a mani/pedi weekend at Miss Saigon's Calgon retreat...but ended up with some funky toe jam shit happen'n so she was a no go herself...FUCK!

last thing i seen on the list was about somethin' about the longest runn'n drag impersonation show on the Vegas strip (and bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe myself)...i thought i'd check out my competitors...now as a perform'n illusionist fer many a years...i possibly cannot...nor will not...rip the show to shreds...cuz i have too much respect fer anyone that dresses up like a clown and performs fer an audience...

BUUUUUT...

as a pissed off patron on a couple of Petron/7's...lets just say...amongst the sea of BENGAY bandits and DEPENDS dignitaries that showed up that even'n...who probably thought they were see'n the real deal due to the cataract'd crowd surround'n me...i'da rather been stick'n toothpicks in my toenails and hooked up to a ex-lax drip...cuz this show just kept give'n me the runs fer the next hour and a half

to begin...i swore the Madonna was have'n a stroke on stage...cuz she kept give'n the crowd that Elvis snarl dur'n "hung up"

and trust me...i'm all fer the BIG GURL impersonations...but the Tina Turner looked more like a diabetic glittered purse in sawed off pumps who kept try'na pick up the hot wings that fell outta her purse to no avail while she was "roll'n...roll'n...roll'n down the river"

the Whiney Houston looked like they pretty much dug her up from her grave the nite before and propped her up...enough said

and the only reason i really wanted to enjoy this MAC smacked testicle spectacle...was cuz they had a CHER impersonator there...but turns out she looked more like a candle melt'n who had one too many kaeopectate cocktails

the only highlights of the nite that kept me from bite'n down on my emergency cyanide breath mints...were the back up dancers (one in particular) that was either give'n me the medusa eye at stage front (that's what WE in the industry refer to as...say it with me kittens...THE FRONT OF THE STAGE) or his meds were wear'n off that even'n...

also...the host Miss Joan Rivers...well Joan Rivers equivalent...though a good laugh...i never could quite grasp the concept of the 80's aqua netted beauty queen hair wrapp'd in a tiara...not even a good look fer Joan even if she were still alive today

the only human contact i had that entire day...was with the bartender in margaritaville before and after the show...and trust me...he could've completely give'n me a reason to check into the Betty Ford center fer the next year or so

by morn'n...i didn't hesitate to check out...well ok...i would'a done a pit stop just so i could tell you what'a bad gurl i had been...but alas...i just wanted to get the fuck outta Dodge pronto Tonto...so i hopp'd aboard the hotel's metamucil mobile and flew to the airport at the speed of narcoleptic turtle...raced thru security...(well just so i could get my complimentary strip search that i much deserved...thank you) and wait'd patiently fer my plane to arrive...and the second i heard them call my flight number...i could feel all the weight just slide off me...like vomit at a victory parade

of course what is play'n on the sound system as i wait'd to board...

"IF I COULD TURN BACK FUCK'N TIME"...i kid you not!

now get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt. 2

so if you were one of those all wrapped up with the unwrapp'n and the...

unravel'n of Elmer Fudd the current clown fuckery administration that has spawned yet another deflated pasty ass lie'n sack of raisin rancher shit gett'n caught with his hands in the cooked up jar of aid'n and abett'n with the enemy...just try'na cover up fer the current commander in chief

that bloated narcissistic Twitter bitch'n clown in the White House and his highly delusional accusations that the last great president we had in years...wire tapped his phone...in his OWN ego bloated shit palace (just wait and see kittens)...you missed out on thee most tragically unmagically intrigue'n story of non espionage of the year...so catch up on pt. 1 here slow poker

and now...thee most ear bleed'n irritate'n continuation to thee worst vaca... 

fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

so there i was...goin all Veruca Salt in the middle of the Monte Carlo...cuz apparently Miss Sarkisian was bit by the flu bug...

and though i completely understand that even Oscar winn'n celebs...like herself...can fall under the weather every now and then...i was in absolutely no mood fer any more disappointments that day...so at the very least...

she could'a sent me a complimentary (and very much deserved and very much needed at this point kittens...i mean COME ON ME...it had been 7 whole days...i had suffered enough...kapeesh!) goodie basket with the usual complimentary spermicidal jams and jellies to my room...along with a room of my own of course...

cuz i had just come (well not in that way pervie) to the realization that i am now stuck at the mercy of Edina and the bitch troll from trumpville hell until morn'n

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

but when life gives you a basket of unwanted lemons...the best thing to do is to find a good bartender that knows how to do a good rim job...and thankfully it was a unanimous decision we could all agree upon and found him ready to rim us in Paris 

(though i was pretty sure i was the only one on his "menu")

after a few unconscious cocktails...we decided to walk them off thru the streets of Paris...but Edina grabbed a handful of Mexican fiesta corn nuts from her CVS bag and started choke'n on 'em

i was absolutely mortified...i couldn't believe what was happen'n to her...in front of ME...luckily fer her...my instincts kicked in and i sprang into action...by doin' what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do in this situation...i started walk'n really fast down the streets of Paris...hopped a gondola and sailed away to the streets of Berlin...(unfortunately...that was all in my head) but as she started up chuck'n in her bag (kittens...no visual aids are needed here...we ALL know what happens I'm sure) i figered she'd be fine...

all i wanted to do was find my emergency box of calgon and drift away

once she was able to catch her breath after hack'n up half her lunch...she says "oh my god...there must'a been dust on those nuts!"...(oh if i gotta quarter every time i hadda say that...well...I'd have about $3.75) then i remember Miss Bernhard tell'n me the exact same story how she suffered the same fate many moons ago at the Stardust Hotel in Vegas...but then Edina started doin the sugar shuffle so as she skipped to the loo...without me darl'in...

i was stuck with the Lord Cheeto zombie troll from H-E-double hockey stix...with the personality of a used enema...who couldn't stop ripp'n on all the people around us to shreds...from the 2 tulips sniffers hold'n hands...to the the bad bi-leveled beauty cupcakes in crop tops...now listen here kittens...i'm no judgmental judy unless it's warranted...and trust me...there was an APB out on her double A double snakes...she actually showed me the 2 pairs of spanx she had on tucked under her shirts...and trust me...they were scream'n bloody murder at the seams...

then of course by the time Edina had returned all hell had broken loose when she seen about that scum suck'n scrotal sack Flynn resign'n from the clown fuckery show cuz of his shenanigans with Putin ...and the on goin protests concern'n the travel ban on immigrants...she just wouldn't shut the fuck up about how the democrats and Hillary lovers (insert me here along with over 64 mill more) needed to just get over it...cuz she lied and that's why she lost...she of course would try to explain to me how EVERYONE wanted him in the office to help turn the country around fer the better of everyone...since we were so fucked up the fer past 8 years...

hmmm?

but at this point...i was in no position to argue with this obviously delusional fuck'n sawed off nutcase who drank all the damn "juice" durin' the election...like i wanted to...i was just begg'n to get smacked up side the head by some window pane...cuz i was just tired of this pain in the A double snakes

finally...by 2ish in the am hours...we convinced Edina to call it a nite from loose'n any more of her precious Abe Licoln's cuz there's still plenty of time in the next 3 days to loose even more...but before i could start count'n sheep...i was asked one more time if a was a serial killer

at this point i never felt so much empathy fer serial cheaters...all i wanted to do was to wake up and escape her clutches

and 4 hours later i would do just that...as i could see dawn come'n thru the crack in the curtains...i  knew i hadda make my escape...no matter what the cost...as i popp'd on my cell to hunt fer a hotel so i wouldn't have to sell my dignity for the lowest dollar that early A.M. morn'n...i was S.O.L cuz apparently you hadda pay for cell service when inside the hotel room...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

i was about to say 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck it!...i've sold myself down worse rivers in the past before...thankfully though...when Edina arose from her narcoleptic nap...she offered to log onto her laptop and find me a place in the area...and luckily fer me...she found me my very own room at a steal of a deal she said at the Flamingo...so i punched in my card info and booked the room fer the next 2 nites no matter what the cost...

$95 a nite was much better than $200 per nite...but then i thought...WAIT!...don't put yer card info into her computer or i would be broke by the time i flew back home...so i clicked the back button to cancel the requested room...but as the wart hog from hell awoke...i no longer cared about a lil fraud on my account...i just wanted the fuck outta this unwanted cage i was forced into thanx to (insert name here)...so i hit the forward button...and to my surprise...i hit the lotto cuz the room was now slashed in half to $45 and i immediately booked my next 2 nites at the Flamingo

then i remembered that i would be bask'n in the presence where one Miss Elvira once made her big boobage break thru back in the 80's and perhaps...maybe the same could happen to ME!

as the trump troll showered...me and Edina would chatter about her biz and her boys bad habits over a slice of her fabulous lemon poppy seed cake that she had brought with...but once the troll emerged from the showers...i hadda suffer fer 15 more minutes thru her story about how her only son had dated this girl fer 3 months then "stuck his penis into her vagina" (and that is a direct quote) but then broke up with her and now she was "damaged" fer any other man and he was gonna "stick your penis in another vagina?"...then claims to tell me that her hubby said she was the only snatch that matched his pipes!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

at this point i knew i was about to spontaneously combust...but decided to be cordial and thanked them both fer their generous hospitality and hoped the troll would have a safe trip to back to the planet earth someday...there was no time like the present fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe to finally click my clod-hoppers and disappear like a herpe on a hooker...so i asked them what was the best way to get to the Flamingo hotel...

with a bit of a perplexed look on their faces...Edina says to me 

"but honey...yer already at the Flamingo hotel!'

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

tune in next week fer the unconscious conclusion to 

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles

now get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt. 1

i'm sure i know all my precious lil readers out there across the unisver...

from Boise to Bangkok...were about to go all bat shit crazy try'na contact the national guards...(fer medicinal purposes only) when yers truly DID NOT publish any weekly ramblin's...recipes of disaster...or some heartless accounts of the current clown fuckery show runn'n the country last week...thing is kittens...you can't expect me to just give...give and give...and get nutt'n in return...i know you've all almost clung onto absolutely nothin' i've ever had to say these past 6 years...just so you can feel a lil better about yerself...and that's OK!

with that in mind...let's begin...shall we?

it had been some time since i had had a decent vacation...so one chilly nite over holiglazed libations at some undisclosed location in december...me and (insert name here) decided to check out Miss Sarkisian in Vegas...cuz...why not! seen as how she was too damn lazy to trot her still plump A double snakes back to our neck of the woods...we decided to catch her sat feb 18th...and i was as ecstatic as hooker in a new pair of complimentary Jimmy Choo's...since i had never been (and as you will soon find out) never will again!

time went by so s-l-o-w-l-y...but i knew all would be fine since (insert name here) said he would take care of the flight since i had pulled together every pennies from my nana's change purse to this insanely priced spectacle...but trust me...though this would be show #5 fer me...Cher always made you feel like it was the 1st time

i counted down the days...the dollars...and the dismay that was deeply grow'n inside of me (which...to be honest...i go thru this process every time i go on any vacation)...so when (insert name here) decided to royally fuck me over by not book'n the flight deal when he assured me he would...follow'n it up with a text tell'n me he could no longer attend said spectacle...i hadda pull up my big gurl britches...put on my tapp'n shoes and bite the bullet by pay'n almost double on my flight...then solider on by vett'n strangers i could crash with for my 4 day stay whore'n myself out on some trix-4-dix online service cuz i didn't have enough saved for hotel on my own

after weed'n out the weirdo's and wino's who wanted me to do more tricks than a rodeo clown...i finally narrowed it down to a half way presentable...age appropriate...cocky companion that could form a sentence without the use of profanity laced desires (not that i was vehemently opposed to it mind you)...but it was refresh'n not to have to go down my laundry list of do's and don'ts right off the bat

after chatt'n fer a week or so on and off...turns out he was a HUGE Cher fan since the beginn'n and he decided he was more than happy to accommodate the pickle that i was in (and yes he would'a had it in him too) i mean come one...he was gett'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...in his presence...why wouldn't he be over the moon? (btw...at this point...i'm not bein' conceited...i'm just convinced...kapeesh!) so i offered him my now spare ticket as a consolation prize

finally...there i was...at 5 in the fuck'n morn'n...survive'n on 3 hours of barely there sleep...but the tingles were flow'n thru my veins like the finest cut Moroccan heroin (well...from what i've heard it feels like anyways)...i had texted my long distance (perhaps) love affair that i would be touch'n down in town by 8:30 am and to pick me up at the drop off gate...and since i only travel with a travel supply of lube...breath mints and antibiotics...(hey i'm a busy gal on the go...i ain't got time to look at yer paperwork) there was no need fer check'n in anything

and don't you hate when this happens...TO ME?...so i'm not one to strike up any sorta conversation with those lucky enough to sit next to me on my journey...(well unless of course yer Colin Farrell...or someone Colin Farrell adjacent)...but as i tried to drift off into my happy place fer the next 3 hours and 15 minutes...some fuck'n chatter box toad sitt'n on the other side of the aisle next to the 2 non penile implants sitt'n in my row...would not shut the fuck up the ENTIRE fuck'n time!

by the 15th wink i was able to sneak in...we had finally touched down...and the past their prime Laverne and Shirley's occupy'n my oxygen next to me...struck up a meaningless conversation with me just so they didn't have to listen to the fuck'n chatter box next to them anymore...and i ain't gonna lie...i was gonna go ape shit on their A double snakes if they went on about their kids or their casseroles to me

thankfully though...they were just a couple of boozy brauds in town fer a buy'n convention and gamble'n fer the week...so i knew they could pleasantly occupy my time until my charity case showed up...but i heard no word from my soulless mate yet...so we all decided to split a cab into the city and i could hang with them til i heard the word he was on his way

well...after about 2 hours of marinate'n in margarita's and not hear'n a peep outta the reason i'll be spend'n some hard time behind bars cuz i wanted to kill mr. anonymous...i could feel the panic attacks creep'n up my culottes so i anxiously rummaged online for a cheap hotel fer the next 3 days but the cheapest i could find was $200...thankfully Edina offered me their spare bed for the nite fer the low low price of $50...i knew at this point that my options were non existent so i said i would offer up one free ticket as payment on top of the $50 since Edina said she always wanted to see CHER but never had enough coinage to do it...(see...it's proof...i can be nice even without waste'n time fer an STD check-up)

Patsy on the other hand was have'n second thoughts about her friends generous offer to me and kept give'n me the stink eye and ask'n if i was a serial killer...as much as i tried to reassure her she had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about...she was still hesitant all day...but i was just hours away from see'n CHER...so i hadda fake my feel'ns better than she does her husband's orgasm...cuz i got the feel'n somethin' was off about her

after a few hours of booze'n and loose'n my patience...it was time to head to the show...but i still wasn't give'n a key to the kingdom to come and go as i please...so i reluctantly left my belongings in their room hope'n i would be return'n later that nite to count sheep...while me and Edina walked towards the theater...Patsy decided she would spin the wheels of fortune fer some big bucks since she had see CHER once before...and that makes aboslutely no fuck'n sense...

how can ANYONE with a pulse...see CHER just ONCE?

as we walked into the Monte Carlo...i noticed fans float'n around the area with their zima big gulp...so i turned into total CHER mode and no longer wanted to punch Patsy in the throat...see...it turns out kitten...my inclinations weren't that far off about her...cuz after many a conversations thru-out the day lead'n up to that nite...i realized i was in the presence of an actual unapologetic hard core brain dead Lord Cheeto mutant...but i softly chanted my nam-myoho renge kyo's to myself and walked gingerly to the front of the line...

once inside my head...oh kittens...i can't even describe it...it was purely magical bliss...i couldn't believe i was soo close that i could count the beads of sweat on the beads of her outfits...in fact...one bead of sweat actually flew off her as she spun around like a gypsy tramp and a thief and crash landed on the side of my cheek...that i would get hermetically sealed in my travel size sweat tupperwear...well that is...if i ACTUALLY made it inside...once i left my head and opened my eyes...i was greeted by this:

O-M-CHEEEEER

tune in next week fer part 2 of DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles

now get off my dress!