all aboard the bandwagon

it's not like any one of us out there have never tried to gather sympathy

or awareness to whatever hot topic is burn'n like an STD outta hand...to shed some light on whatever the issue is that's unknown to most out there...

who can ferget that time back in '92...when the brilliantly outspoken...doc marten'd irish goddess SINEAD O'CONNOR had told the masses on their ass one even'n dur'in her SNL performance to "fight the REAL enemy!"..only to be crucified & have her spotlight snuffed out...fer speak'n out...by the brain dead masses who were completely oblivious of the unfortunate situation that had been covered up by the Cath-o-lickers fer years

only to have the same masses on their asses pull a 360 years later...condemm'n the church and everyone try'na cash in...without give'n credit...where credit was due!

of course then there was that time almost 10 years later in '07...

when everyone's fav-o-rit saccrinated auto-toned lyp-sync'er...was the pop princess of thee entire planet...who simply had had enough of marinate'n in spray tans and a head full of Sally's beauty supply hair extensions...and decided to jack up her image a bit

by totally hijack'n SINEAD's signature look as her own...to show the world that she was more than just some sauced up corporate sex on a stick...(cuz of dwindle'n cd sales)...the masses on their asses stood up and caressed her flailing career...and throngs of her die hard fans gathered together in unity by start'n a gofundme account to get her a new weave...and a 2nd chance to continue her world domination in the lyn-sync battlefield

now she's lyp-sync'n fer her life in Vegas nite after nite (and trust me...i mean no ill will...but let's be real)...you don't know if yer gett'n the real BRIT BRIT

or her secret service doppelganger Derrick Berry these days...they both sound the same!

so almost 10 years A-F-T-E-R the above tragedy...here we are once again

with another front page celeb trainwreck...starr'n EMPIRE hotness JUSSIE SMOLLETT...allegedly...(in his own words)...bein viciously attacked by a couple of hot homophobic maga wear'n hoodlums...make'n the entertainment circuit appearances plead'n fer boo-hoo justice...blow'n up social media...grasp'n fer as many sympathetically pathetic words of disdain and pleas of encouragement he can rack up...

only to learn days later...OOPS!...that the whole entire situation was orchestrated cuz he just wanted a bigger paycheck...allegedly

now...though i personally think he's a bit fuck'd in the skull to be goin down

this route just to get a bit more benjamins in his bank account...if said accusations come to be true (the juries still out)...only fer the simple fact that it doesn't really help the R-E-A-L victims of the LGBTXYZPDQ community and especially members of the african american LGBTXYZPDQ community...from ever bein' believed when they actually go thru a R-E-A-L situation like his...on a daily basis...without ANY sorta support from celebutards...purposely planted product endorsments and the general main stream media...amongst the many toilet trained chimps purchase'n tickets to whatever tragedy is all the crazy at the moment

BUTT

(and yes...you know there always is one ...dont'cha kitten?)

i DON'T think he should be crucified...and his career completely destroyed

 by the masses on their asses...simply cuz he told an "alternative fact"...when we have a mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit...disgrace'n the oval office...ON AN HOURLY BASIS...fer the past 2 years...without ANY sort of retribution!

these brain dead twatters...tweet'n out the basic lynch'n of JUSSIE

cuz he tried gett'n some attention...yet you can purchase front row tickets on stubhub to hear the cricket orchestra in concert at the front steps of the oval office...when it comes to some alt right mentally deranged pig shit psycho fan...who worked fer the coast guard...and planned a massive hit list of many DEMS and media personalities that had a beef with said mentally deranged pigshit in comand...and out of control!

or better yet...not untter'n their disdain with said mentally deranged pig shit try'n to waste MILLLIONS of billions of national emergency benjamins to build his lincoln logs along the southern boarder...instead of fix'n REAL emergencies like...oh i don't know...Flint and Puerto Rico...

or how about Parker Posey's career...i miss here!

get yer priorities straight...this is ALL feed'n in the REAL distraction...

from our mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit in command and out of control...a total division and distraction game...that the media has to take some blame for perpetuate'n...but the masses on their asses that are ready to jump on the latest of any bandwagon dribble...open yer mind and look behind the mask...and get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt 3

what a weekend it was in the drunk tank with a bunch of tally whackers...

i mean...Lacrosse Wi...fer the annual early St Patty's celeo-libations with the relations and the relations-a-like...luckily fer me...this year...no projectile vommit decorated myself or others around me...of course maybe cuz it was colder than a witch's tit out

in any case...you know the drill...get a ticket to the catch-up train

click here fer pt1 you barren old hag

THEEEEEEEEEEEN...

click here fer pt2 you senile salamander

and now the excrutiate'n concussion to this DISASTER CAKE

so i moved into my own fuck'd pad FINALLY...oh i don't mean that sorta fuck pad kittens...(well not this time anyways) i just meant how i was fuck'd over ever since i planned this whole vaca to begin with...i'd like to thank (insert name here)...the insane trumpeters...but most of all i'd like to thank my sanity...fer putt'n up with all this bullshit and able to tell about

so any who'zll'ding...

sunday was spent pretty much walk'n around like a lost hooker without a home until check in time at 3 pm...and i stayed in bed until 1:30 am mon morn'n...watch'n MSNBC news porn about the latest clown fuckery show in Washington that was pretty much write'n a whole new season to 24 in regards to the whole Michael Flynn thing...seriously...i was way too paralyzed fer any more shit to hit the fan to budge an inch...let alone give up 7 more to any Tom...Dick or Scary Mary on line...the only reason i left my boudoir was when i hadda make the proverbial sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain goddess...PERIOD!...i only survived on some spicey wasabi almonds and a red bull ALL fuck'n day...and trust me...that ain't a pretty scene no matter how ya wanna look at it

by 7:30 the next morn'n i decided to pull up my big girl britches and venture out to see what this shit hole of a town...i mean this quaint lil shit hole of a town...hadda offer me...turns out...not much

when the 1/2 price ticket booth near my hotel opened...i decided to catch another show since CHER was NO WHERE to be found...except perhaps...pick'n out new patterns fer her lovely scarf collection...but if ya ask me...let's go back to the days of the CHER HAIR CARE systems...cuz that shit was THEE SHIT back in the day

A-N-Y-W-A-Y-S...i looked at the list of other performers in town and noticed that Miss Spears had residency at Planet Hollyweird Hotel...it'd had been some time since i'd seen a good lyp-sync production...so i figer'd i'd go check it out...and just my luck...Brit Brit was give'n home lobotomy lessons to Adriana Grande that week...DAMMIT!

so i went down to the next stellar show and always wanted to check out Miss My Heart Will Go On and ON and ONNNNNNNNNNNN until yer ears fuck'n bleed like a bad hemorrhage...with some crazy ass Circus So Lame fill'n in her background...well...would't ya know it...allegedly...she wanted to save a couple of bucks and was clipp'n coupons with her kid fer a mani/pedi weekend at Miss Saigon's Calgon retreat...but ended up with some funky toe jam shit happen'n so she was a no go herself...FUCK!

last thing i seen on the list was about somethin' about the longest runn'n drag impersonation show on the Vegas strip (and bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe myself)...i thought i'd check out my competitors...now as a perform'n illusionist fer many a years...i possibly cannot...nor will not...rip the show to shreds...cuz i have too much respect fer anyone that dresses up like a clown and performs fer an audience...

BUUUUUT...

as a pissed off patron on a couple of Petron/7's...lets just say...amongst the sea of BENGAY bandits and DEPENDS dignitaries that showed up that even'n...who probably thought they were see'n the real deal due to the cataract'd crowd surround'n me...i'da rather been stick'n toothpicks in my toenails and hooked up to a ex-lax drip...cuz this show just kept give'n me the runs fer the next hour and a half

to begin...i swore the Madonna was have'n a stroke on stage...cuz she kept give'n the crowd that Elvis snarl dur'n "hung up"

and trust me...i'm all fer the BIG GURL impersonations...but the Tina Turner looked more like a diabetic glittered purse in sawed off pumps who kept try'na pick up the hot wings that fell outta her purse to no avail while she was "roll'n...roll'n...roll'n down the river"

the Whiney Houston looked like they pretty much dug her up from her grave the nite before and propped her up...enough said

and the only reason i really wanted to enjoy this MAC smacked testicle spectacle...was cuz they had a CHER impersonator there...but turns out she looked more like a candle melt'n who had one too many kaeopectate cocktails

the only highlights of the nite that kept me from bite'n down on my emergency cyanide breath mints...were the back up dancers (one in particular) that was either give'n me the medusa eye at stage front (that's what WE in the industry refer to as...say it with me kittens...THE FRONT OF THE STAGE) or his meds were wear'n off that even'n...

also...the host Miss Joan Rivers...well Joan Rivers equivalent...though a good laugh...i never could quite grasp the concept of the 80's aqua netted beauty queen hair wrapp'd in a tiara...not even a good look fer Joan even if she were still alive today

the only human contact i had that entire day...was with the bartender in margaritaville before and after the show...and trust me...he could've completely give'n me a reason to check into the Betty Ford center fer the next year or so

by morn'n...i didn't hesitate to check out...well ok...i would'a done a pit stop just so i could tell you what'a bad gurl i had been...but alas...i just wanted to get the fuck outta Dodge pronto Tonto...so i hopp'd aboard the hotel's metamucil mobile and flew to the airport at the speed of narcoleptic turtle...raced thru security...(well just so i could get my complimentary strip search that i much deserved...thank you) and wait'd patiently fer my plane to arrive...and the second i heard them call my flight number...i could feel all the weight just slide off me...like vomit at a victory parade

of course what is play'n on the sound system as i wait'd to board...

"IF I COULD TURN BACK FUCK'N TIME"...i kid you not!

now get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt. 1

i'm sure i know all my precious lil readers out there across the unisver...

from Boise to Bangkok...were about to go all bat shit crazy try'na contact the national guards...(fer medicinal purposes only) when yers truly DID NOT publish any weekly ramblin's...recipes of disaster...or some heartless accounts of the current clown fuckery show runn'n the country last week...thing is kittens...you can't expect me to just give...give and give...and get nutt'n in return...i know you've all almost clung onto absolutely nothin' i've ever had to say these past 6 years...just so you can feel a lil better about yerself...and that's OK!

with that in mind...let's begin...shall we?

it had been some time since i had had a decent vacation...so one chilly nite over holiglazed libations at some undisclosed location in december...me and (insert name here) decided to check out Miss Sarkisian in Vegas...cuz...why not! seen as how she was too damn lazy to trot her still plump A double snakes back to our neck of the woods...we decided to catch her sat feb 18th...and i was as ecstatic as hooker in a new pair of complimentary Jimmy Choo's...since i had never been (and as you will soon find out) never will again!

time went by so s-l-o-w-l-y...but i knew all would be fine since (insert name here) said he would take care of the flight since i had pulled together every pennies from my nana's change purse to this insanely priced spectacle...but trust me...though this would be show #5 fer me...Cher always made you feel like it was the 1st time

i counted down the days...the dollars...and the dismay that was deeply grow'n inside of me (which...to be honest...i go thru this process every time i go on any vacation)...so when (insert name here) decided to royally fuck me over by not book'n the flight deal when he assured me he would...follow'n it up with a text tell'n me he could no longer attend said spectacle...i hadda pull up my big gurl britches...put on my tapp'n shoes and bite the bullet by pay'n almost double on my flight...then solider on by vett'n strangers i could crash with for my 4 day stay whore'n myself out on some trix-4-dix online service cuz i didn't have enough saved for hotel on my own

after weed'n out the weirdo's and wino's who wanted me to do more tricks than a rodeo clown...i finally narrowed it down to a half way presentable...age appropriate...cocky companion that could form a sentence without the use of profanity laced desires (not that i was vehemently opposed to it mind you)...but it was refresh'n not to have to go down my laundry list of do's and don'ts right off the bat

after chatt'n fer a week or so on and off...turns out he was a HUGE Cher fan since the beginn'n and he decided he was more than happy to accommodate the pickle that i was in (and yes he would'a had it in him too) i mean come one...he was gett'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...in his presence...why wouldn't he be over the moon? (btw...at this point...i'm not bein' conceited...i'm just convinced...kapeesh!) so i offered him my now spare ticket as a consolation prize

finally...there i was...at 5 in the fuck'n morn'n...survive'n on 3 hours of barely there sleep...but the tingles were flow'n thru my veins like the finest cut Moroccan heroin (well...from what i've heard it feels like anyways)...i had texted my long distance (perhaps) love affair that i would be touch'n down in town by 8:30 am and to pick me up at the drop off gate...and since i only travel with a travel supply of lube...breath mints and antibiotics...(hey i'm a busy gal on the go...i ain't got time to look at yer paperwork) there was no need fer check'n in anything

and don't you hate when this happens...TO ME?...so i'm not one to strike up any sorta conversation with those lucky enough to sit next to me on my journey...(well unless of course yer Colin Farrell...or someone Colin Farrell adjacent)...but as i tried to drift off into my happy place fer the next 3 hours and 15 minutes...some fuck'n chatter box toad sitt'n on the other side of the aisle next to the 2 non penile implants sitt'n in my row...would not shut the fuck up the ENTIRE fuck'n time!

by the 15th wink i was able to sneak in...we had finally touched down...and the past their prime Laverne and Shirley's occupy'n my oxygen next to me...struck up a meaningless conversation with me just so they didn't have to listen to the fuck'n chatter box next to them anymore...and i ain't gonna lie...i was gonna go ape shit on their A double snakes if they went on about their kids or their casseroles to me

thankfully though...they were just a couple of boozy brauds in town fer a buy'n convention and gamble'n fer the week...so i knew they could pleasantly occupy my time until my charity case showed up...but i heard no word from my soulless mate yet...so we all decided to split a cab into the city and i could hang with them til i heard the word he was on his way

well...after about 2 hours of marinate'n in margarita's and not hear'n a peep outta the reason i'll be spend'n some hard time behind bars cuz i wanted to kill mr. anonymous...i could feel the panic attacks creep'n up my culottes so i anxiously rummaged online for a cheap hotel fer the next 3 days but the cheapest i could find was $200...thankfully Edina offered me their spare bed for the nite fer the low low price of $50...i knew at this point that my options were non existent so i said i would offer up one free ticket as payment on top of the $50 since Edina said she always wanted to see CHER but never had enough coinage to do it...(see...it's proof...i can be nice even without waste'n time fer an STD check-up)

Patsy on the other hand was have'n second thoughts about her friends generous offer to me and kept give'n me the stink eye and ask'n if i was a serial killer...as much as i tried to reassure her she had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about...she was still hesitant all day...but i was just hours away from see'n CHER...so i hadda fake my feel'ns better than she does her husband's orgasm...cuz i got the feel'n somethin' was off about her

after a few hours of booze'n and loose'n my patience...it was time to head to the show...but i still wasn't give'n a key to the kingdom to come and go as i please...so i reluctantly left my belongings in their room hope'n i would be return'n later that nite to count sheep...while me and Edina walked towards the theater...Patsy decided she would spin the wheels of fortune fer some big bucks since she had see CHER once before...and that makes aboslutely no fuck'n sense...

how can ANYONE with a pulse...see CHER just ONCE?

as we walked into the Monte Carlo...i noticed fans float'n around the area with their zima big gulp...so i turned into total CHER mode and no longer wanted to punch Patsy in the throat...see...it turns out kitten...my inclinations weren't that far off about her...cuz after many a conversations thru-out the day lead'n up to that nite...i realized i was in the presence of an actual unapologetic hard core brain dead Lord Cheeto mutant...but i softly chanted my nam-myoho renge kyo's to myself and walked gingerly to the front of the line...

once inside my head...oh kittens...i can't even describe it...it was purely magical bliss...i couldn't believe i was soo close that i could count the beads of sweat on the beads of her outfits...in fact...one bead of sweat actually flew off her as she spun around like a gypsy tramp and a thief and crash landed on the side of my cheek...that i would get hermetically sealed in my travel size sweat tupperwear...well that is...if i ACTUALLY made it inside...once i left my head and opened my eyes...i was greeted by this:

O-M-CHEEEEER

tune in next week fer part 2 of DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles

now get off my dress!