clown carnage

i've always had a HUGE fascination with clownage in any form i can get it

though i never did get to experience it first hand at any circus that i can recall as a small pre pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...i had always hoped someday day it would happen...well...minus at that damn animal cruelty that goes along with it that we've learned over the years...it was not the greatest show on earth

my 1st experience with the creepy cackleage finally came as a kinder beaner...watch'n in anticipation the BOZO THE CLOWN show at my grama Lorraine's on 3rd street...all while eat'n my boo berry cereal and roll'n her cigarette's...before i would head off to school fer the day...the one important life lesson i would learn durin' that time in the mid 70's was of course to make make sure they were rolled high and tight...and yea know what?...even though i never smoked a cig in my life (i've always said i can find more longer...dirtier things to stick in my mouth besides the ass end of a cigarette) i've learned to keep my A double snakes much in the same manner

by the late 80's...i was all over the KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE...thee best B movie ever made...that's not an opinion that's just a fact jack!...but i just wanna know when in the sam H-E-double hockey stix are the CHIODO brothers gonna follow up with a trilogy like every movie that's been bastardized since STAR WARS

when it comes to clowns...you either are in love them or are terrified relentlessly by them...there is no grey area

well...unless of course you build yerself a dolorean and go fer a lil trip smart ass

with the current unfortunate clown cabinet runn'n the country since jan...

i can honestly say they have fuck'n ruined it fer me (fer the time bein' anyways)...the only thing that's been legitimately passed...is their bowel movements...and that's only becuz of ALL the politically spun bran flakes they've had to choke on since take'n office

ever since the fire'n of  comrade clown FLYNN...who only lasted a full 25 days...that i became completely obsessed with watch'n in my hotel room at the Flamingo fer almost a full 24 hrs...when i was on my 1st trip from H-E-double hockey stix in Vegas last feb to see CHER

next up was WH press secretion SPICE bitch...Sean...who lasted roughly 183 but made Melissa McCarthy my only reason to watch SNL again

7 days later...pinhead Priebus would get his walk'n papers as chief of the circus...but heard he's now assistant manager at 1 of the 2 circus peanut factories...in Janesville, WI...so glad he had a back up plan

only on the job 1 day more than the 2003 off broadway remake of Bobbi Boland starr'n Farrah Fawcett...WH communication director dick slapper Anthony Scaramucci barely got his dick wet before his loud mouth got him hot water...but meeeouch...those were some of the hottest 6 days that admin will ever look

british born american deputy assless clown to #45...Gorka more commonly called MUFF MOUTH fer his lack of participation ...would last a full 208 days until his bags were packed and he was headed back to Breitbart Snooze to color up more conspiracies 

right winger and poster child fer bad complexion rejuvenation...Steve Bannon did his best to blow up the "elite establishment" in 211 days...before he got tossed from the WH tent 3 days later...but don't count him bein' completely out just yet...i have a feel'n he'll be come'n around fer tea from time to time

so with his current comrade clown under house arrest...due to a flight risk situation and all...

who knows who's next?

until this circus show finally comes to a collusion end!

either case...i think it's finally time to kick back with a cold one and watch this circus be take'n down

now get off my dress!

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles pt. 2

so if you were one of those all wrapped up with the unwrapp'n and the...

unravel'n of Elmer Fudd the current clown fuckery administration that has spawned yet another deflated pasty ass lie'n sack of raisin rancher shit gett'n caught with his hands in the cooked up jar of aid'n and abett'n with the enemy...just try'na cover up fer the current commander in chief

that bloated narcissistic Twitter bitch'n clown in the White House and his highly delusional accusations that the last great president we had in years...wire tapped his phone...in his OWN ego bloated shit palace (just wait and see kittens)...you missed out on thee most tragically unmagically intrigue'n story of non espionage of the year...so catch up on pt. 1 here slow poker

and now...thee most ear bleed'n irritate'n continuation to thee worst vaca... 

fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe

so there i was...goin all Veruca Salt in the middle of the Monte Carlo...cuz apparently Miss Sarkisian was bit by the flu bug...

and though i completely understand that even Oscar winn'n celebs...like herself...can fall under the weather every now and then...i was in absolutely no mood fer any more disappointments that day...so at the very least...

she could'a sent me a complimentary (and very much deserved and very much needed at this point kittens...i mean COME ON ME...it had been 7 whole days...i had suffered enough...kapeesh!) goodie basket with the usual complimentary spermicidal jams and jellies to my room...along with a room of my own of course...

cuz i had just come (well not in that way pervie) to the realization that i am now stuck at the mercy of Edina and the bitch troll from trumpville hell until morn'n

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

but when life gives you a basket of unwanted lemons...the best thing to do is to find a good bartender that knows how to do a good rim job...and thankfully it was a unanimous decision we could all agree upon and found him ready to rim us in Paris 

(though i was pretty sure i was the only one on his "menu")

after a few unconscious cocktails...we decided to walk them off thru the streets of Paris...but Edina grabbed a handful of Mexican fiesta corn nuts from her CVS bag and started choke'n on 'em

i was absolutely mortified...i couldn't believe what was happen'n to her...in front of ME...luckily fer her...my instincts kicked in and i sprang into action...by doin' what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do in this situation...i started walk'n really fast down the streets of Paris...hopped a gondola and sailed away to the streets of Berlin...(unfortunately...that was all in my head) but as she started up chuck'n in her bag (kittens...no visual aids are needed here...we ALL know what happens I'm sure) i figered she'd be fine...

all i wanted to do was find my emergency box of calgon and drift away

once she was able to catch her breath after hack'n up half her lunch...she says "oh my god...there must'a been dust on those nuts!"...(oh if i gotta quarter every time i hadda say that...well...I'd have about $3.75) then i remember Miss Bernhard tell'n me the exact same story how she suffered the same fate many moons ago at the Stardust Hotel in Vegas...but then Edina started doin the sugar shuffle so as she skipped to the loo...without me darl'in...

i was stuck with the Lord Cheeto zombie troll from H-E-double hockey stix...with the personality of a used enema...who couldn't stop ripp'n on all the people around us to shreds...from the 2 tulips sniffers hold'n hands...to the the bad bi-leveled beauty cupcakes in crop tops...now listen here kittens...i'm no judgmental judy unless it's warranted...and trust me...there was an APB out on her double A double snakes...she actually showed me the 2 pairs of spanx she had on tucked under her shirts...and trust me...they were scream'n bloody murder at the seams...

then of course by the time Edina had returned all hell had broken loose when she seen about that scum suck'n scrotal sack Flynn resign'n from the clown fuckery show cuz of his shenanigans with Putin ...and the on goin protests concern'n the travel ban on immigrants...she just wouldn't shut the fuck up about how the democrats and Hillary lovers (insert me here along with over 64 mill more) needed to just get over it...cuz she lied and that's why she lost...she of course would try to explain to me how EVERYONE wanted him in the office to help turn the country around fer the better of everyone...since we were so fucked up the fer past 8 years...

hmmm?

but at this point...i was in no position to argue with this obviously delusional fuck'n sawed off nutcase who drank all the damn "juice" durin' the election...like i wanted to...i was just begg'n to get smacked up side the head by some window pane...cuz i was just tired of this pain in the A double snakes

finally...by 2ish in the am hours...we convinced Edina to call it a nite from loose'n any more of her precious Abe Licoln's cuz there's still plenty of time in the next 3 days to loose even more...but before i could start count'n sheep...i was asked one more time if a was a serial killer

at this point i never felt so much empathy fer serial cheaters...all i wanted to do was to wake up and escape her clutches

and 4 hours later i would do just that...as i could see dawn come'n thru the crack in the curtains...i  knew i hadda make my escape...no matter what the cost...as i popp'd on my cell to hunt fer a hotel so i wouldn't have to sell my dignity for the lowest dollar that early A.M. morn'n...i was S.O.L cuz apparently you hadda pay for cell service when inside the hotel room...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

i was about to say 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck it!...i've sold myself down worse rivers in the past before...thankfully though...when Edina arose from her narcoleptic nap...she offered to log onto her laptop and find me a place in the area...and luckily fer me...she found me my very own room at a steal of a deal she said at the Flamingo...so i punched in my card info and booked the room fer the next 2 nites no matter what the cost...

$95 a nite was much better than $200 per nite...but then i thought...WAIT!...don't put yer card info into her computer or i would be broke by the time i flew back home...so i clicked the back button to cancel the requested room...but as the wart hog from hell awoke...i no longer cared about a lil fraud on my account...i just wanted the fuck outta this unwanted cage i was forced into thanx to (insert name here)...so i hit the forward button...and to my surprise...i hit the lotto cuz the room was now slashed in half to $45 and i immediately booked my next 2 nites at the Flamingo

then i remembered that i would be bask'n in the presence where one Miss Elvira once made her big boobage break thru back in the 80's and perhaps...maybe the same could happen to ME!

as the trump troll showered...me and Edina would chatter about her biz and her boys bad habits over a slice of her fabulous lemon poppy seed cake that she had brought with...but once the troll emerged from the showers...i hadda suffer fer 15 more minutes thru her story about how her only son had dated this girl fer 3 months then "stuck his penis into her vagina" (and that is a direct quote) but then broke up with her and now she was "damaged" fer any other man and he was gonna "stick your penis in another vagina?"...then claims to tell me that her hubby said she was the only snatch that matched his pipes!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

at this point i knew i was about to spontaneously combust...but decided to be cordial and thanked them both fer their generous hospitality and hoped the troll would have a safe trip to back to the planet earth someday...there was no time like the present fer this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe to finally click my clod-hoppers and disappear like a herpe on a hooker...so i asked them what was the best way to get to the Flamingo hotel...

with a bit of a perplexed look on their faces...Edina says to me 

"but honey...yer already at the Flamingo hotel!'

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

tune in next week fer the unconscious conclusion to 

DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles

now get off my dress!