from Boise to Bangkok...were about to go all bat shit crazy try'na contact the national guards...(fer medicinal purposes only) when yers truly DID NOT publish any weekly ramblin's...recipes of disaster...or some heartless accounts of the current clown fuckery show runn'n the country last week...thing is kittens...you can't expect me to just give...give and give...and get nutt'n in return...i know you've all almost clung onto absolutely nothin' i've ever had to say these past 6 years...just so you can feel a lil better about yerself...and that's OK!
with that in mind...let's begin...shall we?
it had been some time since i had had a decent vacation...so one chilly nite over holiglazed libations at some undisclosed location in december...me and (insert name here) decided to check out Miss Sarkisian in Vegas...cuz...why not! seen as how she was too damn lazy to trot her still plump A double snakes back to our neck of the woods...we decided to catch her sat feb 18th...and i was as ecstatic as hooker in a new pair of complimentary Jimmy Choo's...since i had never been (and as you will soon find out) never will again!
time went by so s-l-o-w-l-y...but i knew all would be fine since (insert name here) said he would take care of the flight since i had pulled together every pennies from my nana's change purse to this insanely priced spectacle...but trust me...though this would be show #5 fer me...Cher always made you feel like it was the 1st time
i counted down the days...the dollars...and the dismay that was deeply grow'n inside of me (which...to be honest...i go thru this process every time i go on any vacation)...so when (insert name here) decided to royally fuck me over by not book'n the flight deal when he assured me he would...follow'n it up with a text tell'n me he could no longer attend said spectacle...i hadda pull up my big gurl britches...put on my tapp'n shoes and bite the bullet by pay'n almost double on my flight...then solider on by
vett'n strangers i could crash with for my 4 day stay whore'n myself out on some trix-4-dix online service cuz i didn't have enough saved for hotel on my own
after weed'n out the weirdo's and wino's who wanted me to do more tricks than a rodeo clown...i finally narrowed it down to a half way presentable...age appropriate...cocky companion that could form a sentence without the use of profanity laced desires (not that i was vehemently opposed to it mind you)...but it was refresh'n not to have to go down my laundry list of do's and don'ts right off the bat
after chatt'n fer a week or so on and off...turns out he was a HUGE Cher fan since the beginn'n and he decided he was more than happy to accommodate the pickle that i was in (and yes he would'a had it in him too) i mean come one...he was gett'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...in his presence...why wouldn't he be over the moon? (btw...at this point...i'm not bein' conceited...i'm just convinced...kapeesh!) so i offered him my now spare ticket as a consolation prize
finally...there i was...at 5 in the fuck'n morn'n...survive'n on 3 hours of barely there sleep...but the tingles were flow'n thru my veins like the finest cut Moroccan heroin (well...from what i've heard it feels like anyways)...i had texted my long distance (perhaps) love affair that i would be touch'n down in town by 8:30 am and to pick me up at the drop off gate...and since i only travel with a travel supply of lube...breath mints and antibiotics...(hey i'm a busy gal on the go...i ain't got time to look at yer paperwork) there was no need fer check'n in anything
and don't you hate when this happens...TO ME?...so i'm not one to strike up any sorta conversation with those lucky enough to sit next to me on my journey...(well unless of course yer Colin Farrell...or someone Colin Farrell adjacent)...but as i tried to drift off into my happy place fer the next 3 hours and 15 minutes...some fuck'n chatter box toad sitt'n on the other side of the aisle next to the 2 non penile implants sitt'n in my row...would not shut the fuck up the ENTIRE fuck'n time!
by the 15th wink i was able to sneak in...we had finally touched down...and the past their prime Laverne and Shirley's occupy'n my oxygen next to me...struck up a meaningless conversation with me just so they didn't have to listen to the fuck'n chatter box next to them anymore...and i ain't gonna lie...i was gonna go ape shit on their A double snakes if they went on about their kids or their casseroles to me
thankfully though...they were just a couple of boozy brauds in town fer a buy'n convention and gamble'n fer the week...so i knew they could pleasantly occupy my time until my charity case showed up...but i heard no word from my soulless mate yet...so we all decided to split a cab into the city and i could hang with them til i heard the word he was on his way
well...after about 2 hours of marinate'n in margarita's and not hear'n a peep outta the reason i'll be spend'n some hard time behind bars cuz i wanted to kill mr. anonymous...i could feel the panic attacks creep'n up my culottes so i anxiously rummaged online for a cheap hotel fer the next 3 days but the cheapest i could find was $200...thankfully Edina offered me their spare bed for the nite fer the low low price of $50...i knew at this point that my options were non existent so i said i would offer up one free ticket as payment on top of the $50 since Edina said she always wanted to see CHER but never had enough coinage to do it...(see...it's proof...i can be nice even without waste'n time fer an STD check-up)
Patsy on the other hand was have'n second thoughts about her friends generous offer to me and kept give'n me the stink eye and ask'n if i was a serial killer...as much as i tried to reassure her she had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about...she was still hesitant all day...but i was just hours away from see'n CHER...so i hadda fake my feel'ns better than she does her husband's orgasm...cuz i got the feel'n somethin' was off about her
after a few hours of booze'n and loose'n my patience...it was time to head to the show...but i still wasn't give'n a key to the kingdom to come and go as i please...so i reluctantly left my belongings in their room hope'n i would be return'n later that nite to count sheep...while me and Edina walked towards the theater...Patsy decided she would spin the wheels of fortune fer some big bucks since she had see CHER once before...and that makes aboslutely no fuck'n sense...
how can ANYONE with a pulse...see CHER just ONCE?
as we walked into the Monte Carlo...i noticed fans float'n around the area with their zima big gulp...so i turned into total CHER mode and no longer wanted to punch Patsy in the throat...see...it turns out kitten...my inclinations weren't that far off about her...cuz after many a conversations thru-out the day lead'n up to that nite...i realized i was in the presence of an actual unapologetic hard core brain dead Lord Cheeto mutant...but i softly chanted my nam-myoho renge kyo's to myself and walked gingerly to the front of the line...
once inside my head...oh kittens...i can't even describe it...it was purely magical bliss...i couldn't believe i was soo close that i could count the beads of sweat on the beads of her outfits...in fact...one bead of sweat actually flew off her as she spun around like a gypsy tramp and a thief and crash landed on the side of my cheek...that i would get hermetically sealed in my travel size sweat tupperwear...well that is...if i ACTUALLY made it inside...once i left my head and opened my eyes...i was greeted by this:
tune in next week fer part 2 of DISASTER CAKE: the CHER chronicles
now get off my dress!