SARAH problem?...NOPE!

can you believe it kittens?...it's been almost exactly 30 years to the day 

(and 4 months actually) that i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...stood in line with my BFF (at the time) fer the midnight show'n of WARREN BEATTY's colorfully crimed cartoon caper brought to life on the big screen "DICK TRACY" where i would recieve a free DICK tee as a promotional appetizer while wait'n for the movie to begin...

only to have it shredded into kitty confetti by a friends cat 2 days later..

BUTT...in every therapy session...

i'm one step closer to become'n whole again and forgett'n that i always wanted somethin' i never really cared to possess!

with the most hallowed of evil days slowly creep'n upon us...and no i don't 

mean the upcome'n election...that in itself is a creepfest i don't even wanna fuck with (well not this week anyways) no...if yer look'n fer somethin' to sink yer yellow stained veneered fangs into this wicked season...i can't stress ENOUGH to binge on the next doom and gloom psychological installment in the RYAN MURPHY universe

served as a sadistic spinoff prequel to the 1975 mentally disturbed master

piece..."ONE FLEW OVER THE CUKOO'S NEST" starr'n JACK NICHOLSON ..."RATCHED" finally sees AHS alumni SARAH PAULSON where she belongs...front and center as the perfectly polished...brilliantly cunn'n...

impeccably dressed...quintessential NURSE MILDRED RATCHED who convincingly slithers her way into a position at the Lucia State Mental Asylum to help her adopted foster brother escape after bein’ commited for murder

play'n MILDRED's mentally incarcerated brother is another of AHS alumni

and my personal fav-o-rit "happy place" hero...FINN WITTROCK as EDMUND TOLLESON

the steel blued eyed beefcaked...sexually frustrated murderous mancake...who desperately wants someone to play pattycake with his throat plunger and FINN fits the part to absolute purrrfucktion!

the head nurse of Lucia Hospital...NURSE BETTY BUCKET...as the

dastardly devious...hard nosed yet hopelessly romantic spinster...played by the brilliant JUDY DAVIS...who i personally would like to see...at the very least...get a support'n nod at next years emmy's fer her portrayal 

(just throw'n it out there academy)

the colorfully majestic scenery and RYAN's impeccable attention to detail...from wardrobe to locations to the cinematography...is an absolute gorgeous smorgasbord fer the eyes...filmed along the oceanside in beautiful unincorporated Lucia...Big Sur and Calabasas California with the actual asylum interior built on some back lot

you can even rent a room at the beautiful cliffside motel...the Sealight Inn...built in the 1930’s...though this ain’t no typical Motel 6 to take yer Adam4Adam.com hook-up to cuz it’ll cost you a pretty penny anywhere from $225 to $375 a nite

the biggest surprise...that if you haven't yet binged RATCHED at this point

then i implore you to STOP read'n IMMEDIATELY and go wash yer nana's precious chatchki's or somethin' cuz i ain’t stopp’n

golden globe and emmy award winner with many many many other nods

fer her act'n abilities in countless films to her name...screen siren SHARON STONE pulls up the plot lines by her support hose by brilliantly support'n the latest dark MURPHY franchise with her act'n chops and trust me...SHE DOES NOT disappoint...follow'n in the foot steps of other A-listed dynamic dames...

 like JESSICA LANGE...KATHY BATES and ANGELA BASSET

SHARON stars as eccentric monkey love'n mother LENORE OSGOOD 

 who's spoiled son has had an unfortunate operation render'n him useless and completely dependent on his mother who also has as many family secrets as she does diamonds...SHARON looks absolutely "breathless" of course...so how could one not wonder who the make-up and hair was inspired by fer this role...

i mean...do the math kittens...that's all i ask

SEX AND THE CITY star CYNTHIA NIXON plays the very determined

GWENDOLYN BRIGGS...campaign manager and press secretary to the governor who makes the asylum the cornerstone of the governors re-election campaign

along with ROSANNA ARQUETTE who is no longer “DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN” but instead NIXON’s affection (though technically i don’t believe the act of lesbianism was invented yet durin’ this time frame so do yer own research fer clarification kitten) plays the sympathetic caseworker who fudges the paperwork to look like RATCHED and EDMUND were biological sibs so they could stay together

with a dazzle'n accomplished ensemble cast and 2nd season already

 ordered fer this psychological thriller series...one can only anticipate more twists and turns are to follow and i fer one can't wait to go along fer the ride!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DR FEEL SO GOOD!

just close yer eyes kittens and picture it....the year was 1986

and the alcoholic wives simply known as MOTLEY CRUE were all the rage and take'n over the airwaves as well as the tv screens...considered to be the mistresses of ol' hot head himself...Lucifer...the CRUE were corrode'n the mentally unmorally majority of uptight christian societal circles everywhere...from Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...putt'n a bastardly bee in their fuckless bonnets...and i fer one...couldn't have been more happier!

well...lemme back it up by a year...where i could'a been beyond over  

the moon (that would be 1985 fer those mathematical challengers still try'na count it out on their lil piggies) when i spent hours wash'n dishes...endless piles of my sibs cloths and scrubb'n the kitchen floor til 3 am roughly...til it was good enough to eat off of it without have'n to contact the Center for Disease Control...all just to get a ticket to the hottest show on the planet that year...in the month of may...the 21st to be exact...MADONNA's Virgin Tour in St Paul, MN...

that was ALL my scrawny lil teenage angst riddled A-double snakes longed for...fer the the next 10 birthdays & christmas's combined (hypothetically speak'n of course...i mean come on...i was a teenager after all) 

W-E-L-L...suffice it to say...Joan never even considered my desperate plea...and i was completely DENIED...due to the fact that Joan said "ya ain't goin to see her cuz they do drugs at those concerts" (that is an almost direct quote...from what my feeble lil mind remembers) and of course this was NOT backed up with ANY sufficient evidence what so ever to please me!

it was the 80's...BUTT of course...

the follow'n year i would win 4 tix on a call in contest from K.A.G.E radio 

to the bad ass glam gurls of heavy metal "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS TOUR"...and my cuz Dan drove me and bundle of my sibs down in his Sanford & Son truck to see MOTLEY CRUE reek havoc at the Lacrosse Center in Lacrosse WI...

with the other suedo shopko famous alcoholic wives...WHITESNAKE...open'n fer em

i would eventually have to live vicariously thru a VHS version of the M's immaculate show a couple years later...once i saved up enough money from my pop can collection

bike'n all over town just try'na do my part to clean up our fair city of Winona fer some coinage

ANY'WHO'ZILL'DING...it was time fer lil ol' me to take a mini covid vaca

this week...so i thought i'd give ya a lil bit of read'n material to munch on

though i've lost musical contact with the band over the years...i recently fell in absofuckinglute LOVE...with the band's uber talented head bang'n

drummer TOMMY LEE...NO! not cuz i finally got to watch that mini production with his maxi produce department make'n his X wife Pamela Anderson sit and spin like a pinwheel on a hot and windy summer afternoon aboard some boat in the south of France years ago (or wherever the fuck it was) OH NO! it's cuz he retweeted a tweet...which was an exerpt from a lesser unknown common person (that you can learn about from his razor sharp brilliance at amazon.com) who didn't hold back when it came to the current mentally deranged and highly demented IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n sack of orange anal warts and pig shit disgrace'n the planet and humanity...simply lay'n out and prey'n that he'll be sipp'n sangria outta his colostomy bag this nov. 3rd that i accidentally came across on TOMMY's tweet fer his twatters one rainy afternoon:

 and scene...THANK U THANK U THANK U TOMMY fer tweet'n yer twatters with this very pertinent and poignant assessment!

if you can...VOTE NOW...or you better by nov. 3rd to bring back sanity 

and serenity to the planet and remember PUHLEEZ...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

RUTHFUL!

picture it kittens...fer 5 years between 1968 thru 1973...comedic genius

RUTH BUZZI played many comical characters on ROHAN and MARTIN'S hit comedy series "LAUGH-IN" but will ferever be famously remembered by most as the dowdy pouty spinster GLADYS ORMPHBY

by 1989...though we never got to actually get a sneeky peek of what Miss

RUTH ROBELINE actually looked like...it's didn't stop DOLLY PARTON's character TRUVY from try’n and pry'n the latest gossip about one Miss Robeline outta small town divorcee DARRYL HANNAH's character ANNELLE who may or may not have been married to someone who might have been a dangerous criminal in thee most memorably quoted tear jerker of the decade "STEEL MAGNOLIAS"

in the year 2003...everyone's fav-o-rit method actor TOM WILKINSON...

played dual roles as small town blue collar bible beat'n truck drive'n factory worker Roy Applewood in the critically acclaimed HBO movie "NORMAL" who'd been hide'n a secret from his family and congregation fer years until a fickle lil faint spell at his 25th wedd'n anniversary to his lovely wife Irma Applewood...played by the incomparably impeccably talented JESSICA LANGE... 

which lead Roy to finally admitted to himself and to everyone around him that he was born in the wrong body and like a cocooned caterpillar...slowly transitioned and transformed into the boisterous butterfly RUTH APPLEWOOD...turn’n the tables on her family fer the toughest love and acceptance...completely confuse'n her colostomically bitter father who was left shitt'n in his shorts by movies end wonder'n whatever happened to the son he thought he had...just a lil FYI without give’n you TMI...keep a box of kleenex near by (you have been warned)

and how could you not fall in love with 2017's potty mouthed trailer parker

RUTH LANGMORE portrayed by american actress JULIA GARNER on the hit NETFLIX dark drama series "OZARK" about a fucked up family and the mexican cartel...why not!

who was recently tossed around by the QUEEN herself to portray her magesty in her yet unfinished untitled bio flick about her extrodinary astronomical life and i fer one think it's a puuurfucktional fit!

the planet of course mourns thee most famous bad ass SUPREME RUTH

of them all...as we had to say goodbye to the biggest  rockstar and greatest equalizer of the US SUPREME COURT...everyone's fav-o-rit tough as nails sweetheart...RUTH BADER GINSBURG...after she had succombed unfortunately to her bout with pancreatic cancer on fri sept 18th

there's so much i could say about this extraordinary woman...that i don't

have the slightest clue where i would even begin...but fer those unaware of her upbring'n and background...best turn on the stove...heat up a container of yer fav-o-rit jambalaya flavored jiffy pop and kick back to learn a lil herstory about thee most tenaciously influential and revered cultural icon of the US Superme Court in the spectacular biographical "RBG"

who's last die'n wish was to NOT vote on her replacement until BIDEN gets elected and that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE corrupt lie’n sociopathetik sack of orange anal warts is sipp'n sangria from his colostomy bag behind bars

so lets honor this honorable lady and cause the BIGGEST blue wave 

that this country has ever bare witness to this novem and remember...PUHLEEZ...

 GET OFF MY DRESS!

WALK OF FAME pt.2

many years before become'n the unintentionally internationally unknown

perform'n illusionist of my own universe that you've come to ignore on occasion...i was half of thee most pivotal and highly influential sound of the late 80's on the west end of town in Winona, MN

with my dear friend Dr Bob...as singer in the band ASTRO PUSSYCATS...with our #1 hit "DEATH IS JUST A FAIRYTALE TO ME" and "DEADLY LILITH" slowly race'n up the HOT 1000 hits in our heads...our open'n nite ended with a somber cover of Patsy Cline's "CRAZY" and trust me...the audience was...we'd have to travel with doppelgaggers to throw off our scent and carry a cattle prod in our back pocket in case we were spotted...seriously...we couldn't go ANYWHERE without some stalker consume'n our space...

eventually we hadda get outta town and had planned on astro project'n our astro asses on tour to open up fer greek goddess NANA MOUSKOURI at the Vienna Opera House... 

BUTT...of course

our tour manager had no long lost relative who had kicked the bucket that year...leave'n either of us with some untold ungodly wealth...so instead we decided to disband the band and live off the profits from open'n nite...of which there were none!

so get a ticket to the catch-up train and click here fer 

"WALK OF FAME pt.1"

once the year 1989 had rolled around...i would once again make a mini

 pilgrimage back to the Twin Cities...this time to it's sister city St Paul to see that baddest british bum shaker GEORGE MICHAEL out on his own at the CIVIC CENTER durin' his "FAITH" tour...with nothin' but $30 i had saved from collect'n cans all over town...my undie'n love and an EPT test (hey...you never know what'll happen at these shows kittens...i was only 18 at the time after all) 

after purchase'n a tour book and a small diet coke...i was left with $2 and had zero clue on how i was gonna get my A double snakes back to my cuz's apt in the Minne-Apple so as the nite fell deeper and deeper into darkness and all the frenzied fans had left the stadium...i sat at the entrance of some ramp behind the venue contemplate'n how in the mother fuck i was gonna get back and literally 25 minutes later as it got chilly as fuck out...a gigantor bus slowly emerged up the ramp and made it roughly 100 feet away from me before it stopped and the side door opened and out popped my high school orgasm GEORGE FUCK'N MICHAEL...who simply said in his very british accent..."oy mate...do you need a roid?" 

I NEARLY DIED! and apparently completely lost my fuck'n marbles eat'n that brain tumor fer breakfast that morn'n...cuz my brain was say'n "yes GEORGE MICHAEL...i wanna have yer baby...i mean...can you run me to my cuz's 25 miles from here pretty pleez?" of course the messenger in my brain couldn't run fast enough down the steps to my voice box with this message cuz i was BEYOND star struck and outta luck after he patiently waited roughly 10 seconds fer my reply before leave'n me in his dust...i completely lost out on bein Mrs MICHAEL that nite

by the mid 90's...my friend Jacoba Ainsley (as she was goin by at the time)

said she had a small cameo in the latest MARIA MCKEE video "I'M GONNA SOOTH YOU" and she could get us back stage to meet MARIA after her First Avenue gig we both were attend'n...of course i figer'd she was make'n it up...

until the next thing i know we're both on her tour bus doin goldschlagger shots with her and the band until me...Jacoba...MARIA and her whole band decided to scamper to the Gay 90's to watch the drag show without anyone have'n the slightest clue that they were in the presence of a major record'n artist

with her 4 octave range proclaim'n "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN"

ever since the 80's...i've had the pleasure of bein' in the presence of  CYNDI LAUPER nothing short of 7 times in concert...but durin' her "HAT FULL OF STARS" tour at First Avenue in 1993 was the 1st time i actually was up close and personal with her (and roughly 10 other freaks) who had waited outside to get her signature and some personal time with her...my good friend Faedre lucked out and got her autograph along with 2 others...unfortunately she hadda bid adieu cuz they hadda long bus ride to Oprahville plus you could tell she was under the weather when she was sing'n on stage so i was not gonna press her fer one...

of course leave it to some over grown asswipe to bitch slap CYNDI by yell'n "FUCK YOU CYNDI...you wouldn't be her if it wasn't for yer fans!"

after salivate'n to the mezzo-soparano songstress TORI AMOS many a

time in concert...me and my friend Karen (NOT to be confused with the basturized versions referred to unfortunately these days as "karens") decided to meander behind the concert hall at one particular preshow and wait in line with the other rabid AMOS ants desperately plead'n fer a peak at TORI up close and get her john hancock...i personally never seen all the hoopla about TORI's signature...as much as i love her voice...but it would be nice to see what she's like out from behind the piano...and just as one would imagine..she was an absolutely stunn'n gem and gracious to us all

though the blubber'n stalker before us had a total breakdown in front of TORI proclaim'n the song "ME & A GUN" was ripped right outta her own personal experience...TORI silently nodded...gave her a hug and moved on (i mean pleez people...like her boss at whatever burger world drive-thru she was work'n at really had any more time to invest in her lifetime movie of the week breakdowns much less TORI)

indie rocker SUZANNE VEGA stole my soul when i 1st heard her sing

"my name is LUKA...i live on the 2nd floor" back in the late 80's...but by the time i had finally met her 15 years later...i wasn't really concerned what floor she lived on anymore...now i wouldn't say she gave me a lil 'tude when i met her after her show but when she asked me who to sign the cd to...i just said " oh you can just write thanx Mattress" with this perplexed look on her face...she replied "why don't you just go by Matt?" so i firmly but politely exclaimed "why don't you just go by Suzie?"

it would be sometime before i rubbed shoulders with another sing'n

sensation,...though this time it would be virtually along some non heterosexual informational highway site one nite chatt'n while i was visit'n the BIG APPLE with the break out star of "SHORTBUS" the amaze'n JAY BRANNAH who fancied me fer a few minutes until i realized who he was (i had just watched the movie and fell in love with him months earlier) and inquired if that was really him...apparently i pushed the wrong buttons and was immediately blocked...don't worry JAY i totally get it! there's no hard feel'ns (though you still make me absolutely...FYI) i absofuckinglutely j'adore yer voice

in fact...the only celebutude that i've had the unfortunate pleasure to deal 

with...was when LENNY KRAVITZ stopped by the target center durin' his (insert yawn here) tour in the late 90's that i hadda check in at the front door...who unfortunately (like all celebs who stopped in while in town) got a free day membership to use the gym's facilities to their like'n as long as they signed a waiver of liability (as if they couldn't afford the $15 day fee...i mean PUHLEEZ!) in any case...when the Lenny popped in with his big tortoise shelled bug eye glasses...try'n be all PRINCE like with his kmart version of DIAMOND & PEARL (that's not a knock mind you...just an accurate observation) and i had asked him to sign the waiver...he refused to say A THING...instead opt'n to give THE LOOK at his tag-a-long cookies...to which one of them said to me "Mr Kravitz would like me to sign on his behalf!" sorry charlie...but it ain't "gonna go yer way" yer john hanncock means absolutely NOTHING to me...

besides...yer mom was a bigger star in my eyes anywho'zll'ding so sign it or yer not gett’n in!

there ya go kittens...my time rubb'n shoulders with those that have made it

just keep in mind the next time you run into one of yer fav-o-rits...we all sacrifice a meatloaf to the porcelain god just like everyone else...so calm yer tired tits down and GET OFF MY DRESS!