NEW MEXICOMA pt. 3

last we left off...our damn cell was in distress...in Kit Carson Colorado

well mine was anyways...and really...that's all that matters...cuz i couldn't get a proper damn signal to be had fer miles and miles...i was completely goin thru c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e major SCRUFF withdraw...but i'm better now (at least that's what the lil people live'n in my head told me)

if yer a sadistic bastard...click here fer pt. 1

if yer a gluten free fer punishment...click here fer pt. 2

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and now...see if you can make it thru thee excruciate'n concussion of a NEW MEXICOMA faster than a demented 12 year old can eat'n a bowl of the latest breakfast fad fer whiter teeth

captain's blog...16:15 hrs just barely over the border of Colorado

by now...my ego was completely bruised and battered and sweat'n like a priest on the playground at some local road side pump-n-munch pit stop...

 in Trinidad...WTF?

seriously...i thought we were suppose to take that left turn towards Albuquerque mister driver?

after what almost felt completely like a total bond'n experience with my blood full 2 million some hrs on this road trip from H-E-double hockey stix...mister mechanic decided to double check this satanic monstrosity mobile's lubrication...

so i decided to do my own lube job...and popped on over across the road to make a fast 50...

WHY NOT!

once back on the road...it was back to me fold'n up into suitcase city

in the center square...but another 30 miles down the road we made it to Model, CO...we all decided to stop and stretch our ache'n ligaments once again and grab some grub...and luckily fer me...after poke'n around...i happened to find myself a quaint lil time share that would go perfect with my current outlook on life as it was...that i figered someday i could completely see myself retire'n to and decided to plunk down a few pesos  and a half eaten chimichanga to keep it on hold fer a couple days til i made my way back...and lemme tell ya kittens...this place had plenty of ample leg room...built in irrigational style water park...surrounded by beautifully majestic mountain scenery fer as far as my blurred corneas could see...

with no Mrs. Kravitz's fer miles and miles...or gas station...or grocery store...or any reason to live really...hmmm...perhaps i outta rethink this one!

as my vegan chauffeur decided to take full advantage and graze in the road side cafe right outside the edge of town...i on the other hand decided to take matters into my own hands cuz i was bake'n like a Betty Crocker cake under the blaze'n Colorado sun...but ya know what?...not one damn substantial bid...not even any canned goods...

of course DAH MAN didn't fair any better!

jezus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson bro...quit pick'n yer seat and read'n the fuck'n road side map...this is 2018...I HAVE GPS!

10 minutes later we came across a sign that i had never come across before...and fer the next 20 minutes i felt totally cheated...i mean P-U-H-L-E-E-Z!...i seen more ritual bath'n ball scratch'n bears on scruff than i ever did along side the road!

captain's blog...18:00 hrs: border of my NEW MEXICOMA

well to the border anyways...we still would have another 2 hours ahead of us before we would reach my cuz's in Albuquerque...

but i was so ready to give myself another home lobotomy perm so i could erase the thought of ever doin a road trip like this again...we made our final sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god in Las Vegas, NM

how vommitously nice to find a rest stop that was hip to the whole #METOO movement...while you hadda make a movement

i was lost on this contraception contraption...but i needed to buff a shiner out quick before my eggs would start to scramble in this heat...and if it's hands free...even better...OH WAIT...you can use it on yer boots too?...you crazy New Mexicano's...what will you think of next?

captain's blog...20:39 Albuquerque, New Mexico

i couldn't believe it...WE WERE F-I-N-A-L-L-Y fuck'n here...my hooves were cry'n like a plucked starve'n baby from a sucklin' contest

off in the distance i could see my cuz wave'n us down...so my brother...oops...i mean CHICO (everyone deserves their anonymity)...backed the uhaul up to my aunts patio so it'd be alot easier to unload her shit...i mean...her lovely one of a kind shit!

once everything was outta the truck...we gobbled down on a bowl of enema's and voli fer the next few days

if i hadda use one word to describe this town: BROWN...and that don't even look good on a cardboard box...but we made the most of it...

climb'n 10,000 feet on the tramway...in the air...up Sandia Peak...had me wish'n i had remembered i was petrified of heights after 10 feet up...but i will say this...look'n out at the mind-blow'n...sublime moon lit kissed skies that nite...it was a once in a lifetime kodak moment...that SUCKED!...i really wanted...no...NEEDED to be below all the those fuck'n rocks...

look'n above at some chilled rocks..marinate'n in another fabooshka infused deliciousness at M'Tucci's...they're cumcumber/mint infused mind eraser was an AA recipients paradise...i swear to CHER!

the follow'n day DAH MAN was give'n me cinco de mayonnaise realness in Old Town Albuquerque after a couple "special" Old town aqua's

after 4 days together with CHICO and DAH MAN...they hadda get back...

to reality...and as much as i detested the ride down there...i would'a never made the pilgrimage if it wasn't with them both...it was a good bond'n experience...that i'll do anytime with them again...as long as i can get a smurfy bag of nuts and a half can of somethin' fizzy...with no lay over...unless it's over ME!

the next day...me and my cuz's ended up take'n another road trip to...

Santa Fe...to one of the 8th wonders of the "why the hell am i goin here again?" world...well...until i found out that this was thee fuck'n wondrously awesome-sauced world of MEOW WOLF...and just trust me...if you haven't kittens...think Coraline's alternate world vs BEETLEJUICE's world...and trust me...the pix don't do it justice...it's A MUST X-PERIENCE you have to experience!

thankfully though...my pilgrimage to this pretty lil overgrown town of rocks 

 was not entirely done in vain...as i got to complete my vaca with a quick stop at Walter White's and a slice of pepperoni on the sly...to throw down MY throat and not on "his" rooftop...after i seen the current owner take her seat in the driveway...listen...i understand the right to privacy...but that CASPER awful cage around their house is not needed...

may i suggest perhaps a mote...with killer piranha's...too keep the crazy's out? just a suggestion...talk amongst yer fam...but listen...i'm sure as much as they hate the fans stopp'n by unannounced after all these years...they love it just as much or they'da completely rearranged the entire structure and color scheme of the house

back at my cuzzie wuzzie's palatial pueblo...this tough guy was runn'n...

the roost and there ain't no room fer 2 bitches in this palace...so i headed back to my aunt's to count sheep

by the next morn'n...i was over my New Mexicoma...it was time to finally bid ado to my boo (insert forced smile here)...part'n is such sweet relief they say...but fuck it...i was ready to be on my way...(hey i'm just not that down with brown town) so until we meet again...and i'm sure we will...without bein under duress...p-u-h-l-e-e-z...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

what's up doc?

so there i was...shoot'n the shit with one of my old friend's mom...

as old man winter decided to make a surprise visit over the weekend...thankfully without 8 inches (the neighborhood ho' fulfilled that position)

decide'n if ambrosia salad tasted better with tiny coconut flakes or...

mini marshmallows or as a combo package

whether or not we really needed to do the time warp again...

don't get me wrong...i luv me some Sophia Burset...but the stills alone look like they stole CoCo Peru's wig and wrapped it in a scrunchy and stuffed Miss Cox in some left over halloween costume from the $1.99 bin at Woolworth's...but we'll see

and if ya took away the toup and all the cheetos pressed powder...

the republican front runner Frump...is nothin' more than just the grumpy old geezer that lives next door to you...who smells like old man stew and a splash of old spice...ya know...just stuff ya talk about when you're done with the proverbial BS chatter

when all of a sudden the conversation segued into that annoy'n weezy

 cough i'd had once before...that reared it's ugly head once again fer the past couple of weeks and she informed me to go in and get it checked out cuz it might be mold in my lungs...since i am live'n in some shithole Lavern and Shirley apt in the Wedge area of the Minne-Apple...without any bathroom ventilation 

to which she says...of course...you know if ya do...that means BIG BUCKS!!

though that may be the case after a few years or even longer...

it's so much easier to try on the latest looks from the spring collections of Paris...without try'na haul yer ass around in some 10 ton contraption

so the next day i headed to the local doc's office...

to get my complimentary anal exam lungs checked out from the crypt keeper on staff...who looked like he'd rather be eat'n a bowl of enema's and watch'n a Matlock marathon than deal with my issues...

but i reluctantly gave into his perverted desires and unbuttoned my blouse while huff'n and puff'n a couple of times as requested...as i huffed and puffed my lungs out...i knew i was in no shape to blow anyone's house...mind or anything else down fer that matter...so he sent me down fer my very own glamour shots session of my inner'ds to see what was goin on

as i took that long walk down to the x-ray room...

i was greeted by none other than some Doogie fuck'n Howser MD...i shit you not...again bein' asked to remove my blouse...i might add...without even offer'n to get me a cocktail first...so as he put down his color'n book and i was asked to huff and puff and hold it in as he snapped me fer my close-ups...then sent me back upstairs

as i waited in the upstairs lobby to hear my name bein' called outta the corral of other impatient patients...i thought i'd search on line fer the closest CANDY CRUSH ANONYMOUS meet'n in the neighborhood...since i couldn't get past level 16 fer the past 3 weeks and was gett'n extremely annoyed...

i could'a ripped the head off a over grown illegitimate asswipe Betsy Wetsy doll

finally...my name was called and i was led back to the doc's orafice...

and told to have a seat...hmmm...this never sounds good when yer TOLD to have a seat...

well unless of course...yer deal'n with a hot dominant verbal top...BUTT...such was not the case today

as i sat wait'n fer the inevitable news...i thought...hmmm...

could this be thee adverse side effects from bein' a governmental drug bunny back in my early 20's finally catch'n up with me...or perhaps i took too much antacid in the 90's...i didn't know

the crypt keeper kept silent fer a few seconds...

i thought...ummm...can ya puhleez do yer nom-yo-ho-ho-ren-geng-ki-o another time?...then i thought...OH GREAT!...why wasn't i on the P-I-L-L?...then i remembered...oh yea...i hadn't taken a hot poker up the jaxie in the past 9 months to warrant such an alarm...so what could it be?

well...apparently this doc had gotten his degree from the bottom of some cracker jax box...cuz when my x-rays finally showed up on screen he asked me... 

"what do you see?"

he did not just ask me...what did I SEE?

ummm...thing is Dr. Pepper...i'm a beauty school drop-out...happy to finally be outta the unemployment line i might add...with a master's degree in detect'n bullshit...and come to think of it...what i don't see...is any of those fancy schmancy glorified framed pieces of paper in yer lil orafice here...so why don't ya fake it like yer wife's orgasms and quit play'n 20 ?'s with me...make'n me take off my blouse without the sacrificial cocktail and just tell me what i'm suppose to see or not see...OK?

well...he said everything looked good and prescribed me my meds...

and told me to come back in a couple of weeks if the cough doesn't gone away and he'd consult with a specialist

the experience just left me sorta unsure...even though i was insured...

so i just paid fer my pills and scampered home to a "BREAKING BAD" marathon...and not that i'm one to promote the use of any sorta of narcotic...and apparently i'm 8 years behind the times...i get it meth heads...I'M HOOKED!

by morn'n...i had reread the instructions...

on my bottle of destruction that this "pill" was suppose to do fer my cough...but somethin' inside me said wait til ya get to work and look up the side effects...and thank CHER i did!

the governmental drug of choice you ask?

it was prednisone...used fer a merried of problems...with a handful of adverse side effects...the most common one bein' of MOON FACE from what i read and heard from past users of this medication

needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...

so i decided to get a 2nd...more reputable opinion!

after consult'n with the stars...i decided to throw caution to the wind and break the meds in half and see what happens...but if i come outta this...

look'n like some bloated beauty queen unable to slip into my Gloria Vanderbilts any longer...there will be H-E-double hockey stix to pay...guaranteed

now get off my dress!