NEW MEXICOMA pt.1

it had been some time since i decided to take a long ass pilgrimage

to the other side of the planet...to a place i would seriously never ever even consider to visit in a million...if it weren't fer the wine expertise of my absofuckinlutely fantabulous aunt Shirley and her equally absofuckinlutely fantabulous daughter and my saucy celebrity bitten cuz Shelly (yes...she was THAT GIRL in the open'n scene of PURPLE RAIN...deal with it!...i am actually related to a piece of iconic cinamatic rock history...don't be jell-o kittens)

anywho'zll'ding...i was give'n my walk'n papers at work so i figered...eh!

why not!...so there i was...folded up like some cheaply used but stylishly conscious foreign suitcase...trapped in the center square of an overloaded bloated bitch of a U-haul...much like the first hook'n gold digger of the united states...i'm sooo sorry...i mean M-E-L-A-N-I-A (to her pile of mentally deranged pig shit) fer the next 24 fuck'n hours i would come to find out...with my grass fed brother Erin and my kickass nephew Evan

we took off from the beautifully painful picturesque city of WINONA, MN...famous fer 3 things:

the fact that WINONA RYDER was named after the town...true story...i read all about it in my teen beat magazine back in the mid late 80's...

the best kept unfranchised bakery in the entire fuck'n world...BLOEDOW'S..the maple long johns are simply to die fer i swear to jesus crist on a flakey graham cracker crust...

and of course...ME!...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe

our destination vacation...Albuqurque, New Mexic...a foreign country

 well it might in the H-E-double hockey stix should be fer crimminy james...i felt like i was about to board the USS Enterprise and boldly goin where no unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe should ever go

after feverishly runn'n around all day try'n get myself together...

pack'n my bags with the must-have essentials... my body hugg'n unmentionables...

a tooth brush...to keep the shitter shine'n pearly white fer my aunt

 (she's a bit of a high maintenance kinda gal...but she's mine)

and a bottle of my best vintage cloroform jean nate after bath body splash...

to help lure a suitable contestant of course...to come on down...ON ME! (hey...don't judge..it cuts out all that worthless gibber gabber) plus...it's been like a 5 whole days...i've suffered enough! (ummm insert skittish laugh here)...the follow'n is the actual events that happened...

captain's blog...20:30 hrs central standard military time

there we were...off and runn'n...i knew i was already subconsciously regrett'n this trip

but to my credit...i made it a whole mile and half to the gas station...before my claustrophobic inclinations would kick in to high gear...and i would end up...ass up in the wind...ready to call it a nite...

hey...i can barely handle gett'n into my even'n gown (cuz you never know when yer gonna get snapped by the paps) just to drive to the grocery store...that's directly across the street from me!

2 minutes later i realized i had fergotten to pack my fav-o-rit highway heroin that i had already fergotten once...fer the 2nd time...so i sent in a request to my driver (formerly known as my grass fed brother who doesn't take requests) who said "2 tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it!...umm...esqueeze me...

BUTT...

do you not know who I AMMMMMM? (what does an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe have to do around here to get a lil attention?)

captain's blog...01:45 hrs into the a.m. Ames, Iowa

by day 2 we had FINALLY reached our first colonic break...

(cuz i was seriously ready to make a family sized meatloaf for 4) 

otherwise known as cornhole country of the midwest kittens...only 4 hrs in...and already my boots weren't made fer walk'n any more cuz my hooves had swollen to the size of a water buffalo

as my brother filled the tank and snacked on his gluten free...taste free...cancer free...tofutti grass shit...my nephew stretched to check out how many swipes he had left on his tinder account

i on the other hand...needed to be pumped and dumped on aisle 7...i had zero desire to crawl back into that damn satanic monstrosity of a mobile...but unfortunately...i was out numbered

captain's blog...03:22 hrs into the a.m. Gretna, Nebraska

i knew we had had a rough time this winter...but it was a clear starlit sky and all of a sudden we seen christmas lights flash'n behind us...

well i'll be a monkey's uncle...ain't this some fuck'n Roscoe P Coltrane bullshit...apparently my brother had switched lanes without signal'n... 

even though it was really.the wind that was whipp'n him around like a Dorothy in a twister

as he approached my side of the vehicle...blind'n me with his fleshlight

i noticed his eyes almost immediately...though technically we only hadda give him the driver's ID...all of a sudden...i became a damsel who wanted to be under arrest...so i gave him mine with no hesitation...he confiscated all of our identification and after a few short minutes...returned...lett'n us go with just a warn'n

HEY...i know my rights!...i'm entitled to ONE PHONE CALL and a STRIP SEARCH...and i ain't got anyone i need'a call!

tune in next week fer the continuation of NEW MEXICOMA pt.2

now get off my dress!