NEW MEXICOMA pt. 3

last we left off...our damn cell was in distress...in Kit Carson Colorado

well mine was anyways...and really...that's all that matters...cuz i couldn't get a proper damn signal to be had fer miles and miles...i was completely goin thru c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e major SCRUFF withdraw...but i'm better now (at least that's what the lil people live'n in my head told me)

if yer a sadistic bastard...click here fer pt. 1

if yer a gluten free fer punishment...click here fer pt. 2

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and now...see if you can make it thru thee excruciate'n concussion of a NEW MEXICOMA faster than a demented 12 year old can eat'n a bowl of the latest breakfast fad fer whiter teeth

captain's blog...16:15 hrs just barely over the border of Colorado

by now...my ego was completely bruised and battered and sweat'n like a priest on the playground at some local road side pump-n-munch pit stop...

 in Trinidad...WTF?

seriously...i thought we were suppose to take that left turn towards Albuquerque mister driver?

after what almost felt completely like a total bond'n experience with my blood full 2 million some hrs on this road trip from H-E-double hockey stix...mister mechanic decided to double check this satanic monstrosity mobile's lubrication...

so i decided to do my own lube job...and popped on over across the road to make a fast 50...

WHY NOT!

once back on the road...it was back to me fold'n up into suitcase city

in the center square...but another 30 miles down the road we made it to Model, CO...we all decided to stop and stretch our ache'n ligaments once again and grab some grub...and luckily fer me...after poke'n around...i happened to find myself a quaint lil time share that would go perfect with my current outlook on life as it was...that i figered someday i could completely see myself retire'n to and decided to plunk down a few pesos  and a half eaten chimichanga to keep it on hold fer a couple days til i made my way back...and lemme tell ya kittens...this place had plenty of ample leg room...built in irrigational style water park...surrounded by beautifully majestic mountain scenery fer as far as my blurred corneas could see...

with no Mrs. Kravitz's fer miles and miles...or gas station...or grocery store...or any reason to live really...hmmm...perhaps i outta rethink this one!

as my vegan chauffeur decided to take full advantage and graze in the road side cafe right outside the edge of town...i on the other hand decided to take matters into my own hands cuz i was bake'n like a Betty Crocker cake under the blaze'n Colorado sun...but ya know what?...not one damn substantial bid...not even any canned goods...

of course DAH MAN didn't fair any better!

jezus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson bro...quit pick'n yer seat and read'n the fuck'n road side map...this is 2018...I HAVE GPS!

10 minutes later we came across a sign that i had never come across before...and fer the next 20 minutes i felt totally cheated...i mean P-U-H-L-E-E-Z!...i seen more ritual bath'n ball scratch'n bears on scruff than i ever did along side the road!

captain's blog...18:00 hrs: border of my NEW MEXICOMA

well to the border anyways...we still would have another 2 hours ahead of us before we would reach my cuz's in Albuquerque...

but i was so ready to give myself another home lobotomy perm so i could erase the thought of ever doin a road trip like this again...we made our final sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god in Las Vegas, NM

how vommitously nice to find a rest stop that was hip to the whole #METOO movement...while you hadda make a movement

i was lost on this contraception contraption...but i needed to buff a shiner out quick before my eggs would start to scramble in this heat...and if it's hands free...even better...OH WAIT...you can use it on yer boots too?...you crazy New Mexicano's...what will you think of next?

captain's blog...20:39 Albuquerque, New Mexico

i couldn't believe it...WE WERE F-I-N-A-L-L-Y fuck'n here...my hooves were cry'n like a plucked starve'n baby from a sucklin' contest

off in the distance i could see my cuz wave'n us down...so my brother...oops...i mean CHICO (everyone deserves their anonymity)...backed the uhaul up to my aunts patio so it'd be alot easier to unload her shit...i mean...her lovely one of a kind shit!

once everything was outta the truck...we gobbled down on a bowl of enema's and voli fer the next few days

if i hadda use one word to describe this town: BROWN...and that don't even look good on a cardboard box...but we made the most of it...

climb'n 10,000 feet on the tramway...in the air...up Sandia Peak...had me wish'n i had remembered i was petrified of heights after 10 feet up...but i will say this...look'n out at the mind-blow'n...sublime moon lit kissed skies that nite...it was a once in a lifetime kodak moment...that SUCKED!...i really wanted...no...NEEDED to be below all the those fuck'n rocks...

look'n above at some chilled rocks..marinate'n in another fabooshka infused deliciousness at M'Tucci's...they're cumcumber/mint infused mind eraser was an AA recipients paradise...i swear to CHER!

the follow'n day DAH MAN was give'n me cinco de mayonnaise realness in Old Town Albuquerque after a couple "special" Old town aqua's

after 4 days together with CHICO and DAH MAN...they hadda get back...

to reality...and as much as i detested the ride down there...i would'a never made the pilgrimage if it wasn't with them both...it was a good bond'n experience...that i'll do anytime with them again...as long as i can get a smurfy bag of nuts and a half can of somethin' fizzy...with no lay over...unless it's over ME!

the next day...me and my cuz's ended up take'n another road trip to...

Santa Fe...to one of the 8th wonders of the "why the hell am i goin here again?" world...well...until i found out that this was thee fuck'n wondrously awesome-sauced world of MEOW WOLF...and just trust me...if you haven't kittens...think Coraline's alternate world vs BEETLEJUICE's world...and trust me...the pix don't do it justice...it's A MUST X-PERIENCE you have to experience!

thankfully though...my pilgrimage to this pretty lil overgrown town of rocks 

 was not entirely done in vain...as i got to complete my vaca with a quick stop at Walter White's and a slice of pepperoni on the sly...to throw down MY throat and not on "his" rooftop...after i seen the current owner take her seat in the driveway...listen...i understand the right to privacy...but that CASPER awful cage around their house is not needed...

may i suggest perhaps a mote...with killer piranha's...too keep the crazy's out? just a suggestion...talk amongst yer fam...but listen...i'm sure as much as they hate the fans stopp'n by unannounced after all these years...they love it just as much or they'da completely rearranged the entire structure and color scheme of the house

back at my cuzzie wuzzie's palatial pueblo...this tough guy was runn'n...

the roost and there ain't no room fer 2 bitches in this palace...so i headed back to my aunt's to count sheep

by the next morn'n...i was over my New Mexicoma...it was time to finally bid ado to my boo (insert forced smile here)...part'n is such sweet relief they say...but fuck it...i was ready to be on my way...(hey i'm just not that down with brown town) so until we meet again...and i'm sure we will...without bein under duress...p-u-h-l-e-e-z...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

NEW MEXICOMA pt.2

last week on NEW MEXICOMA...we were bein inappropriately ignored

and by "WE" i of course mean "ME"...by some grrrrrrranimal popo of Gretna, Nebraska...all cuz of some uncontrollable northwesterly wind...blow'n in from the east...that my chauffeur'n brother barely had control of...

and HEEEEEY...i just remembered...i never got to receive my complimentary strip search...DAMMIT!

yer gonna need a ticket to the catch up train kittens...so click link here

and now...pt. 2 to NEW MEXICOMA

so after gett'n my beautiful burgundy...crushed velvet...full length Laura Ashley influenced road trip gown...pattern #69 from the McCall's Butterick summer collection of 69...with a mormon laced neck aplicae...sewn delicately together by a lovely blind mongolian parishioner from my church of "OUR LADY OF DEBAUCHEROUS INCLINATIONS"

completely crushed over my much earned but very unused road side strip search...(and you know how hard it is to get wrinkles outta crushed velvet...don'tcha kittens) i decided to catch a few more winks before we hit our next deplorably disdained destination

captain's blog...05:02 in the am hours...location: York, Nebraska

as we pulled into some off ramp PDQ petro station to refuel...lemme tell ya...i was ready to get off...my A double snakes and get the blood flow'n (as it were)...cuz it felt like my subtle and very suppley plump A double snakes had been sleep'n fer practically 100 years

well...lemme tell ya...there ain't nutt'n new about this town unfortunately (and that isn't a Freudian slip)...from the looks of it

everyone on Scruff was fast asleep...in a proper popper induced coma no doubt...so FYI...we skedaddled outta this PDQ ASAP...but at least i got to change positions with DAH MAN and drift off into another animalistically induced fornicational world

captain's blog...08:30 in the am hours...location: Norton, Kansas

jezus christ on a flakey graham cracker crust TOTO...

i can't believe we're still in fuck'n Kansas!

just from the few momentary looks around before i would drift back off into my deliciously induced redbull coma...apparently...it's not a necessity to own all yer own teeth in this town...but an absolute luxury

captain's blog...10:51 sunny and isolated...location: Winona, Kansas

they say you can never go home...but there we were...

in some sorta uninhabitable negative reality inversion of our hometown 
(of the same name at least)... 

on the main strip...in beautifully dilapidated downtown Winona, Kansas...how could you not be mesmerized by the rustically intricate sidewalk design that took years of plann'n by the president of the local city council (and obviously oblivious locally grown intoxicated queen)...while gaze'n in amazement at the charm'n view of the plentifully bare store fronts that were scream'n out "welcome home town residents and nosy tourists...take yer perversely lame distorted Annie Leibovitz unpresentational selfie & get the fuck out...we're closed!"

CHICO and DAH MAN were forced at redbull point to capture this kodak moment fer my amusement...but it's quite lovely...and it really captures the moment we were all in...at that moment really... 

(it's a portrait Norman Rockwell fergot to paint...someone's son...almost home again...in oils!)

men...make sure to make a pit stop at the local colonic clinic...where you'll find you can still tear up the town...as you tear open his (or hers...if you go "that way") sheer silk chiffon edwardian gossamer petticoat...fer a lil inexpensive and completely responsible fun on a friday nite

i...fer one...was glad to see that the city council had decided to properly label and color code their build'ns fer us pass'n tourists...

as not to be confused with the other beautiful landmarks this town had to offer (which could really explain the low population numbers)...but don't you have a whole new appreciation fer pastel salmon color'n?

and just like our current assministration...this city truly was run down...so it was time to get our A double snakes outta town and outta this state...before we all would end up outta our mind!

captain's blog...13:45 hrs..location: Kit Carson, Colorado

a foreign country to any and all emotions i had left in my fresh...nubile body...it was humid and hot...and i was ready to cash in my sanity just fer a sip of some adult refreshments

why in the H-E-double hockey stix haven't the lil kittens of this lil shit hole town...i'm mean this quaint lil shithole of a town...opened up their roadside teeny tiny martini stand fer us travelers yet?

it's already past noon fer Agetha Christie sakes!

but we made the best of it while stretch'n our limbs and molest'n the towns train fer pure posterity purposes fer the future clans...of course this was the most color we could find in this Cher fersaken'n shithole...i mean...this uninhabitable shithole of a town

as we stepped of the train and scanned our surround'ns...it was like we 

had stepped into a time and space that had long been fergotten by anyone try'n to survive off the land...and i'm talk'n like ever since Miss Kitty was gett'n her "saloon doors" pummeled by Sheriff Dillon...with her prairie heels stapled to the ceil'n...in order to keep her "bizness" under the radar

we found the local museum...AND...alot more...

of course leave to me to find my new best friend...fer the next 15 minutes anyways...THE TOWN HOE...why not!

i was shocked there was still one in existence...but we came across the last infamous mutant tank tractor from the Great Irrigation War of 1869

20 minutes in and i was soak'n up nothing worth salvage'n from this stop so we had had our fill of this destination...and like a any good hooker in heat...it was time to move onto our next destination

tune in next week fer the excruciate'n concussion of NEW MEXICOMA

now get off my dress!