spooktober

finally...the wickest month is upon us my kreepy krawly kittens...

where all H-E-double hockey stix breaks loose

ummm...let me clarify...i'm not talk'n about the elections...well...not this week anyways

but since we're on the subject...finish choke'n down those caramel nuggity treats by nov 8th...and VOTE bitch!

in the mean time kittens...since the crypt keeper had a play date with

the original top 20 countdown'n colostomy bag a few years back...i hadda pull out the ouija board and try and make a connection...but no such luck...

so i've decided to take over the reigns as the unintentionally internationally unknown top 20 countdown hostess of my own universe...

to keep yer toes a tapp'n while dance'n with the devil in yer best whore-ish look this hallowed season...let's begin...shall we?

come'n in at # 20...MICHAEL JACKSON

"THRILLER"

no halloween season would be complete without this zombie classic from 1983

#19...ROCKWELL

"SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME"

with a lil back-up help from the famous gloved one from above...this 80's jheri curl gave paranoid schizophrenics everywhere a voice

#18...EMINEM and RIHANNA

"MONSTER"

this dynamic duo sure know how to make a hit...of course it helps that one of them knew how to take a hit

#17...MARILYN MANSON

"THIS IS HALLOWEEN"

originally sung by Danny Elfmann fer the Tim Burton classic "Nightmare Before Christmas"...turned out to be a satanic masterpiece fer the devil's prodigy child

#16...CHER

"HELL ON WHEELS"

before she was "dressed to kill" on her sold out tour...this raven beauty turned back time in her roller skates...ummm...that's like an ancient physical artform to the instant oatmeal generation

#15...RACHEL SWEET

"VOODOO"

best known fer sing'n the open'n theme on John Waters classic "HAIRSPRAY"...this lil kitten opened fer Bill Cosby in Vegas before she was a teenager

#14...ANNIE LENNOX

"LOVE SONG FOR A VAMPIRE"

this mousketeer's masterpiece was the theme song to Bram Stroker's DRACULA...cuz blood suckers need love to ya know

#13...MADONNA

"DEVIL WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"

the QUEEN known fer her pop infused ballads...conjured up love fer even Lucifer's fallen angel with this haunt'n ballad

and now...a long distance dedication to a lil girl from Michigan

who sold her soul...among a few other unmentionables...just to have a career...her letter reads..."now i lay me down to sleep...i pray the lord my soul to keep...fer if i die before i wake...i pray the lord i still have hitz to make"...well lil girl...here's yer long distance dedication from that pariah of parodies...JACKIE BEAT with "GIMME ALL YOUR BLOOD"

and now...back to the countdown

come'n in at #12....FRANK N FURTER

"SWEET TRANSVESTITE"

this lil saucy number got caught up in the spider's web since the 70's and has been entertain'n the masses ever since with it's interactive applications

#11...RAMONES

"PET SEMATARY"

theme song to the Stephen King classic bare'n the same name...these guys were responsible fer the 3 chord thrash and punk sound...this was one of their biggest hits and a constant staple in their live shows

#10...NAHPI (N AMERICAN HALLOWEEN PREVENTION INITIATIVE)

"DO THEY KNOW IT"S HALLOWEEN"

the only charity song to hit my countdown...this fairly unknown tribute benefited UNICEF in 2005...with it's patronize'n attitude towards other charity singles like "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...it's considered a complete classic to the undead...gathered together by a cast of spooktacular talents like ELVIRA...BECK...PEACHES...among many others

#9...LORI CHACKO

"ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY"

 Lita Ford and Dale Bazio's love child was part of the best camp horror movie ever "ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK"...she'll drive a stake right thru yer earlobes

#8...NATCHA ATLAS

"I PUT A SPELL ON YOU"

this middle eastern twist on a classic will surely lobotomize yer mind

#7...KATE NASH

"SKELETON SONG"

easily mistaken as british singer LILY ALLEN...well...cuz that's who i thought it was til i researched the song...this lil number will surely rattle yer bones

#6...FRANK SINATRA

"WITCHCRAFT"

ol' blue eyes made it with the best of em back in his hay days by putt'n em under his spell with this smooth spellbind'n number

#5... DUSTY SPRINGFIELD

"SPOOKY"

a ghoulish lil ditty that'll surely put you in a devilish mood

#4...EARTHA KITT

"RATHER BE BURNED AS A WITCH"

a multi talented performer...best known as the villainous vixen Catwoman in the original Batman series in the late 60's...she purred like no other on earth

#3...ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

"HERE I AM"

with her new coffee table book out this month...she'll have you see'n double trouble...you'd be mentally insane not to own it...and i already know that my BFH (bestist fag hag) Peetrinella is already on it without ANY sorta HINT HINT HINT from me 

#2...BOY GEORGE

"SATAN'S BUTTERFLY BALL"

though this chameleon was known fer a string of hits thru-out the 80's...he proved he could rock it out like the rest of em on the release of his brilliant hard edged masterpiece with a message "cheapness and beauty"

and my #1 all time fav-o-rit haunted hit...DEAD OR ALIVE

"SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE" 

the quintessential anthem fer anything that goes bump in the nite...lead singer PETE BURNS will make you howl at the moon with his infectious voice

well...there ya have it kittens...this years top 20 ghoulish hitz from beyond

the gravestone...thanx fer tune'n in...well...i'm goin as under cova ZIKA luva this year...so it's time fer me to start bedazzle'n my blood suck'n beak

so get off my dress!

so lemme get this straight...sorta!

i was recently reminded once again...why i've pulled the plug and take'n

my love life off life support and decided to support someone i barely know...fer the next 7 days (as should YOU)...rather than support some fucktards trainwreck of thought...who needs a bungee cord to support their narcissistic self loath'n plump A double snakes from crush'n their teenie tiny brain of thought...

give'n that tired old dribble about why would someone...like myself...be interested in someone that's push'n the non hetero movement back by 1000's of years...

OH NO SHE DI'INT!

if this was the 18th century...it was not only accepted as the "normal"...

it was thee fashion statement of the century...fer any non hetero and any non homo man alike...to be seen in public in powdered wigs and heels...the only difference with today's man is that we have a vast array of colored wigs and clodhoppers to be seen in...BUT...back to ME!

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have...

believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false

like fer instance...the late 80's double chocolate mint twins Milli Vanilli...

who took home a grammy for  best new artist in 1990...fer best lyp-sync'n by a group or duo

or that the GOP would once again take control of the table come novem...

with their typical pile of ass backwards politicks fer the very minuscule minority of their fans...

only to get slowly dethroned...one by one...by some cheesy doodled loud mouth clown...with a road map to his reason why he was able to marry outside of his endangered species

that a flawlessly famous drag queen like...

RuPaul

a spell bind'n transgendered beauty like...

Amanda Lepore

a terrorize'n transvestite as sweet as...

Tim Curry

and those loud mouthed ego riddled trans fats...

are all in the same

well...i'm here to tell ya kittens...THEY'RE NOT!

so lemme break down this tired myth about the "drag queen"...or as i prefer to be referred to as "thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe" or the others queens in train'n heels...simply known as a "perform'n illusionist" to use the term loosely 
(in this CHER fersaken PC BS generation we live in all of a sudden)

cuz dead beat drag queens are much too old and ugly...

of which i am neither...YET!

and when you can take a well endowed cock-a-doodle do and make it into a dirty lil kitty cat...you are in a sense perform'n a pretty damn good "illusion"

so with that in mind...let me debunk the myths you think you know to be true

# 1 all perform'n illusionists are gay

though the myth that ALL perform'n illusionists are non heterosexual...it's been debunked by many who see it strictly as an art form fer comic relief...and not a way of life (well that we're aware of anyways)

#2 perform'n illusionists only perform fer the money

this myth is definitely soooo not true...though some illusionists make a decent live'n from perform'n and deserve their own TV series... the vast majority of illusionists i know...have full-time jobs and spend more money than what they make from perform'n to get that perfect look...perform'n is an extremely expensive hobby when done correctly...that they just love doin...it's like a VanGogh or Monet that's come to life

#3 all perform'n illusionists wanna be women

this is one of those myths...that i even knew as a teenager doin' the polka dance with puberty...thanx to shows like Phil Donahue back in the 80's...didn't hold a shred of truth...those would be of the "transgender" category...and though it's true that some performers are of a transgendered nature...they are no longer an "illusionist"...a huge chunk of "illusionists" do it fer the attention they never received from their parental guidance...cuz they simply love it and it offers them a creative outlet....plus it's an easy way to make a fast buck without have'n to compromise yer morals under a burnt out street lamp in some back alley

#4 all perform'n illusionists are bottoms

i'm here to tell ya kitten...THEY'RE NOT! *wink*wink*...of course i'm assume'n all you out there in read'n land know what i mean by "BOTTOM"...so no explanation should be required...if not...get a book!

# 5 a perform'n illusionist isn't a REAL man

BITCH PUHLEEZ!...this myth is usually brought upon by closeted non heterosexuals that think that they're fool'n the crowd with their "str8 act'n and appear'n" well worn ambercrombie tank cum rag they're still try'na pull off...well past it's expiration date...on a date...schtick!...well i'm here to tell you kittens...ya ain't fool'n anyone but yerself...since 10 times outta 10...they have their legs stapled to the ceil'n before i can even get the front door shut...most illusionists are more of a man cuz they have big enough balls to do what they do...regardless what others may think...it takes an extremely confident man to put himself out there for others to judge and sometimes ridicule...just fer a handful of benjamins

  #6  anyone can be a perform'n illusionist

this myth...though seems all inclusive...is somewhat exclusive...depend'n on what bar ya visit...perform'n as an illusionist is not easy...and not everyone can do it...you have to have that "it" factor...if yer gonna be an illusionist...you need to be able to capture the audience's attention and keep the monkey's tap dance'n til dawn...or at least til yer heels and hair is paid off...plus you also need to have a large unclogged heart and be will'n to work for nothin' to raise money for charities and help the community...this is not an easy task to ask

# 7 perform'n illusionist's never use their boy names

this myth...some say is...you should never use an illusionists "boy name" when the war paint is applied...which is sometimes true...but it all depends on the illusionist and the situation...if he is in his illusion...then you should use his illusionist name obviously...especially if you want any sorta attention from them... i call all other illusionists by their perform'n name whether they're in or outta their illusion...cuz i can't be bothered to remember who they really are...and i expect the same...(though a generous genuflection is customary when address'n me on the street and much appreciated)

#8 wearing a dress makes you a perform'n illusionist 

this myth couldn't be further from the truth...this is usually a sexual fetish made popular by a transvestite...and most of them are 100% non homosexual...but just love the feel of silky things carress'n their unwaxed...flat and very tired A double snakes

#9 all perform'n illusionists are bitchy

this myth...though does hold some truth since most performers are known fer their cattiness...or extreme bitchiness...and it's what the audience expects...but let's stop and look at it from their perspective...they're wear'n multiple pairs of tights...marinate'n in 10 pounds of maybelline under hot lights...in heels that weren't made for their feet...add to that a corset and have'n their junk taped to their trunk fer hours at a time sometimes...you  would be a lil bitchy too...plus some feel that they have the right to judge them and demand things from them the second they're off stage...(i'm talk'n to you damn bridal parties)...bein an illusionist is not easy job and therefore we've earned the right to be a lil bitchy from time to time...but in reality...the majority of them are the coolest creative people you will ever meet...most of them would give you their blouse off their backs...while they're secretly gett'n slipped yer boyfriend's number

#10 all perform'n illusionists love to be photographed

this myth is only true when they're in a controlled environment...and someone like David LaChapelle or Annie Leibovitz is behind the camera...let's face it...we are ALL attention whores to the nth degree...BUT...the majority of illusionists should never...i repeat NEVER...be spontaneously jumped in a crowd by a bunch of drunken fly'n monkeys with their iphones set fer stunned...who instantly instagram our horrored look on facebook or tumblr or any other website...you will instantly be blocked fer life...and well into yer next life...cuz we NEVER ferget a bad pic!...if you would like a memory with all our fabulessness in tact...just ask...we're more than happy to oblige...as long as you shoot from straight on...or above...and have enough vaseline on the lens to make us look like a fetus in a wig...like we imagine we look like once we've reached a certain age

there you have it kittens...10 myths about perform'n illusionists...

debunked like a dead skunk...if you don't like some plucked fuck in maybelline and pedal pushers...that's just fine...it's not hurt'n you what so ever...everyone does what makes them feel comfortable and attractive to themselves...there are those that do...so don't over analyze the situation fer those that do or think fer one minute that it's damage'n yer internalized fragile "masculinity"...cuz really...you have no clue who yer talk'n to!

now get off my dress