CHER...SHARE AND SHER ALIKE

picture it kittens...it's the year 1987 and the "DARK LADY" of the 1970's

was no longer with MR. BONO...instead was now search'n fer somethin' a lil sexier...a lil saucier and some decades younger while sing'n like a love starved songbird...her mug smothered by her long ravenous kinky curls until she latched onto some hot to trot bagel boy called ROB CAMILETTI who shared some screen time with CHER fer the video "I FOUND SOMEONE" in novem that year 

the follow'n month...CHER would work opposite NICOLAS CAGE in the 

italian comedy hit of the year "MOONSTRUCK" where she played a widow who would have her life imitate art by fall'n in love with her finance's younger brother that won her her very 1st and only oscar the follow'n year

the most dysfunctional family on prime time tv would share their trials

and dysfunctionalities in the comedy series on the fairly new channel FOX (when the channel was tolerable) called "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"

and i would make my midwest debut as the unintentionally internationally  

 unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe fer the very 1st time (in some trailer park ELVIRA get-up that my grama hand measured and made fer me from her brown polyester curtains in her live'n room window fer hweenie) when i desperately trolloped with my 3 friends Trii…Kevyn & Jackie around some cheddar head county in a town called LaCrosse in Wisconsin where i would share my make-up tips and tid bits with today's guest who i met outside their house with her sister and a friend one warm hweenie nite as i was pass'n by with my gang who then gagged on my look and graciously invited us in to their sordid spooky soirée

BUTT let's move on...

i'm absofuckinglutely delighted to have a lil chitty chatty bang bang with my long but not so lost friend from the 80's SHER PETERS...so SHER let's start with a lil back drop about how we met (if you can remember back that far) to all my kittens around the globe that cling onto every word i've muttered (coherently or incoherently) week after week fer the past 13 years...

Wow, that was longer ago than I care to admit. I’m not sure I remember exactly how we met.

I do remember you gracing our fabulous parties with your presence back in the 80’s.

Also, you were my escort to my sisters wedding vow renewal. (That poor church!) Haha. We danced our asses off. If I remember correctly, once many adult beverages had been consumed,

doing “The Time Warp” was involved. And there may or may not (I’m not sayin’ for sure!) be a shaky video clip of someone picking me up off the dance floor!

we're lucky enough to be part of the few that have managed to make it thru the last 4 decades and like me (fer the past 13 years) as a writer...though you yerself can now put published author on yer resume with the debut of yer fabulous new book "HOW TO DATE A DIZZY GIRL: DATING WITH A TWIST OF DIZZINESS" can you give a lil back story as to how this book all came about and what's it all about?

Ooooh, where to begin! I’ve had personal experience with touches of vertigo since my 20’s. In 2013 I woke up with my world spinning (literally) and was eventually diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease and Vestibular Migraines. During the few months between the onset of bad vertigo and my diagnosis, my boyfriend at the time did not know how to handle it at all. He called me an invalid, said I was a “liability” (this from a guy who lived with me rent free for the previous 14 months!) and that I was “no fun anymore.” He cheated on me and moved out.

It was so mean and heartbreaking and at that point I thought, “this is it, social life over, I’ll never date ever again. Over time I joined many online support groups and found that there are so many people who have vestibular issues and are still single who are stressing about dating. I often see posts from people who don’t want to be single and alone forever but they’re afraid to date and don’t know how to bring up the topic when they meet someone they like or are asked out. They’re reaching out on these sights asking for advice and looking for hope. And really it goes beyond dating to our social lives in general. Friends and family have a hard time understanding our plight as well. Vestibular disorders are rough.

We “look healthy” most of the time…except when we’re falling down with vertigo! (Laugh) Honestly though, it’s embarrassing and it sucks. So after many years of my own personal experiences (some horrible and some hilarious) I really started thinking how much easier it would be to just have a handbook to have people read so they had a better understanding without having to explain it over and over again. One evening I was pondering the thought and the title popped into my head. “How To Date A Dizzy Girl” and I started writing. I designed it to be a fun easy read that has great information for people who are struggling with vestibular issues and can be handed to friends, family and romantic interests without being too intense or overwhelming. I hope it helps a lot of people who are struggling.

I’m going to give myself a little plug here, my vestibular issues were triggered by exposure to toxic mold. That’s a crazy story and not a connection that people often make so... book on that topic is in the works!

not only are you an accomplished author...you also possess the power of heal'n...more specifically the power of energy heal'n...care to expand on that a bit more?

Yes, healing. I come from a long line of magical women I suspect. My Mother was very gifted. When I was a kid and was injured or sick I remember willing myself to be better. I didn’t realize at the time that I was energy healing. I’ve always been a naturalist and avoided going on medications for things. It just never felt right for me to cover up symptoms and not fix the source of illness.

In my early 20’s, one of the many times I found myself lost in the basement of my favorite used book store, I came upon a section on energy healing and bought a couple of books. One was on polarity balancing and the other was on metaphysical healing. Those books led to others. That started a lifelong passion. Once I became a Mother it was just natural for me to help my son with energy healing. When he was little he called it “Mommy medicine”. Even a simple scraped knee and he would come to me to take the pain away with energy healing. When he was a teen he had a horrible ear infection. It was very painful and the only way he could rest was while I was doing healing for him.

Every time I would move my hands away, he’d instantly wake back up and ask me to keep helping. After a couple of hours his ear suddenly popped and fluid poured out and his pain was relieved. I was exhausted from that long intense energy session but it was worth it to see my sons pain subside so he could rest and finish healing. That’s just an example of what was the “norm” at our house.

I’ve studied many types of natural healing throughout the years. Reiki, Qigong, healing powers of water, sound, and crystals, also herbalism, aromatherapy, quantum healing, etc. I am reiki master certified but I really integrate all healing modalities I’ve studied into my healing sessions. When I’m doing energy work for myself or others (human or fur family) I tune in and the right healing for each circumstance just flows and I go with it.

after scour'n the informational highway...carpal tunnel'n my fingers doin a lil ANGELA LANSBURY investigate'n...i found out you yerself have the same fondness fer those 4 legged fur balls as i have...i love dogs (i've even dated a few myself...though i'm speak'n of the 3 legged kind of course...bestiality is NOT part of my kinda reality kittens) what sorta dogs do you have?

Dogs are the best! I love them so much. I have had many throughout life. Mostly mixed breed farm dogs when I was little. As an adult I had taken in a couple mini-poodles that needed a home. I’ve had teddy bear pups, a Pomeranian, other mixed breeds. Some that were family and some that I fostered and found homes for.

Right now I have 5 fur family members. They’re all mixed breed. Definitely have Dachshund in them, some Chihuahua, Shih Tzu, and Terrier. All are rescues so those breeds are the vets best guesses. My oldest 2 were thrown out of the trunk of a car into a ditch in a garbage bag. The person who lived where it happened watched from his house and thought it was just garbage, which was bad enough, but a couple days later when he left the house, he got up the hill of his driveway to the road and saw 3 puppies in the ditch.

He posted on Facebook to find homes. My niece took one of them in and I drove 4 hours to come and rescue the other two. They were only a few months old and they were emaciated and very sick with mange, open sores, infected ears and eyes. It was a long road to wellness but I’m happy to say that they are 11 and a half years old now and both still with me. My other 3 were all dogs I took in that needed homes but didn’t have such horrible beginnings. Needless to say, I’m a strong advocate against puppy mills, backyard breeding, and any type of animal testing or abuse. Dogs are literally the living definition of unconditional love and one of my favorite things on this planet.

My sister has 4 dogs, some of which are related to mine. I’m there most of the time as we take care of our elderly Dad 24/7 so all together our pack is 9 in total! It can get loud for sure! We took on a litter of puppies that turned out to have genetic kidney disease. We had originally rehomed one of them before we knew the genetics and she passed only a couple of months later. We didn’t feel right rehoming any others once we knew what was going on with them so we committed to keeping them and giving them the best life we could as short as it may be. Of the 9 of them, we’ve lost 5 to kidney failure at various ages ranging from 7 weeks to 6 years. Of the dogs we have now 4 are still from that litter and 1 of those is in kidney failure now at the age of 8. It has been incredibly difficult. It’s a lot of physical care and difficult loss when they pass.

I wouldn’t trade the time we have with them for anything though. They’re all such sweet wonderful dogs. Rescuing dogs has truly changed my life.

not only do we have dogs in common...we both also share an exhilaration fer trailers (not the movie kind though i'm sure we could agree on many) i of course am referr'n to yer love fer vintage campers and spruce'n them up...where does that fascination stem from?

I grew up in, let’s say, a humble home. As far back as I can remember I’ve always loved giving new life to old things and making them pretty. There’s something fulfilling about taking a bland or even bit run down space and giving it new life, making it beautiful. I suppose that is one of the ways I express myself artistically. My son once said to me, “You’re like the Picasso of shitholes”. That made me laugh. It was one of the best compliments I’ve ever received!

One of my influences is my love of gypsy wagons. I’ve always dreamed of having one. When my sister and I left Minneapolis to move closer to my parents as they needed care we ended up sharing a small rental house. That’s when I purchased my first camper. I just wanted space of my own and we had the perfect open driveway for it. I bought a 26 ft 1983 camper trailer and fixed it up. When Meniere’s hit out of nowhere and I suddenly lost both of my jobs I began selling off all of my furniture to get by and when I could no longer afford rent I moved in to that camper full time. It was parked in an alley between a friends house and a factory. I loved it! After that, I ended up deciding to stay with my parents for a while since I was 30 mins away and driving was an issue at the time but that camper didn’t fit in their driveway so I stored it and purchased a smaller one that would fit.

That one is a 22 ft 1971 vintage camper. The woman I bought it from had put a lot of work into it and she had a very gypsy decor style so it already looked fantastic, was in excellent condition and all I had to do to was add personal touches. Eventually, my sister bought a house in the country nearish to my parents place, Mom passed and Dad gave up his house and moved in with her there so both of my campers are now parked at her place.

Throughout both my childhood and my adult life I’ve moved a lot. Even when I’ve stayed in the same city, I changed apartments every year or sometimes even more often. I love new spaces so the home on wheels trend really intrigued me. Campers fit perfectly into that. As it turned out, both because of my vestibular issues as well as the 24/7 care of my parents going into year 10, I haven’t been able to travel with them and now don’t plan too. I will be selling my smaller vintage camper this summer and am keeping my bigger one parked at my sisters for now.

My new project is a 1999 skoolie short bus that I’m converting into an RV/home on wheels. I also had a conversion van for a while that I fixed up into a tiny living space and went on a fabulous 4000+ mile trip to the west coast and back with it, but realized, with my vestibular issues, for any longer travels, I need a space I can stand up in. The bus will be perfect and it’s so much fun to be starting with a fully blank space this time. So far I have the seats out and am in the process of laying some very DIY flooring. No matter where life takes me I think I will always have some type of home on wheels for travel. And who knows, maybe eventually I will get that authentic gypsy wagon I’ve always dreamed of.

hey...now we've come to the part of the interview that i like to simply call CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME FER A CHANGE? basically SHER...ask me ANY question under the rainbow (well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism....insert laugh here)

Can I ask two? First one…I have been trying to remember the name of the little shop on Hennipen Ave (I think it was Hennepin) that we were strolling by after not seeing you for a good long time and there you were dancing outside of it! That was a great moment! But…It’s driving me f’n crazy! What was the name of that place?!

so long ago...lemme clean off the cobwebs on my mammory banks fer a minute...YES...now it's come'n to me...it was LAVA LOUNGE...THEE BEST FUCK'N JOB I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE to this very day!! (though this is a pic of their 2nd location on lyndale after they moved off hennepin) i remember walk'n into the store a week or 2 after they opened up in 1996 since i lived across the street at the time and suggest'n to them that they put a live model in their windows to show off their kick ass club wear...

though i hadn't been to the BIG APPLE at that point in my career...it reminded me of a store in the movie "MANNEQUIN" starr'n the sexually charged KIM CATRALL who came to life and their fabulous inventory of fashion needed to be seen on a bigger scale than just hang'n on the racks...

and bibbity...bobbity...boo...a week later my creative juices were over flow'n when i was hired to be that very live mannequin every saturday from 10 to 6 and i believe to this very day i was THEE 1st ever and ONLY live model who did boy drag/gurl drag in the latest club fashions fer roughly a year outside any store in uptown...pump'n music fer me to move to on my very own mini stage they created outside the store (we found out on the 1st day of me inside the window that i was melt'n faster than a mercedes benz on mars)

MOLLY...WIL...AMIEE...RIK...INDIA and MISSY were thee best co-workers i've ever had the absolute pleasure to work for...i also worked on redesign’n part of the inside of the store as well as many of their window displays thru-out the year include’n their PRIDE float…

that is...until one day i was confronted by a couple of boys in blue who said they had a complaint about my "dance'n"...

specifically that i was pull'n a Madonna and that i needed an "entertainment permit" to continue my prance'n in my LOUCHINI heels so MOLLY spent i think around $40 at the time only to get harassed a week later by the same pig who said we needed one fer every weekend (which i even knew was a complete outright bullshit lie) i don't blame MOLLY fer not want'n to continue with the popo harassments so that was pretty much the end of my dimly lit spotlight career on that teeny tiny stage i craved every saturday

though i always had a sneak'n suspicion the “caller” was from the rival clubwear store a block away who complained to the cops about me (allegedly)

Ok, so here’s my actual question: What was your journey from the kid who brought the best party favor ever to one of our small(ish) Wi town 80’s punk parties (a nice set of knockers that everyone got to try on!) to the fabulous Miss Krystal Kleer of Minneapolis fame?!

well as i stated earlier...my grama made me my very 1st ever drag outfit (which i can freely admit...i looked like some trailer park ELVIRA) outta her front polyester window curtains and i think i found my ample plastic bossum somewhere in lacrosse at a costume shop in the late 80's and i biked all around my small minded town of WINONA fer roughly 4/5 months collect'n aluminum bud light and root beer cans scattered all over the back alley's of bars and backyards then cashed them in fer my very 1st wig (see…i was environmentally conscious before it was even cool plus  i still own that very wig today though i'm not a raveness queen anymore...i held onto it fer nostalgia reasons...why not!)

and after see'n the absofuckinglutely fabulous MARILYN impersonator JIMMY JAMES on PHIL DONAHUE in 1987…i knew someday i wanted to follow in her footsteps…

and 8 years later i would get that chance thanx to my dear but not fergotten friend and co-worker from TIDAL WAVE VIDEO...LEW who introduced me to the show director at the GAY 90's durin' the mid 90's and the rest is (as they say) history!

i wanna thank my dear long but not so lost friend SHER PETERS fer

take'n the time outta her Sherendipity life today fer a lil Q & A and wish her all the best on her book 

"HOW TO DATE A DIZZY GIRL: DATING WITH A TWIST OF DIZZINESS" and look forward to many more in the future hopefully...click here to order yer copy today

if you'd liked to stay abreast of what SHER is up to daily...feel free to on:

tiktok.com@magical.sherendipity

instagram.com/magical.sherendipity

facebook.com/MagicalSherendipity

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt. 2

everyone out there wants to either become friends with a celebrusaurus

some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')

with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens

to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday

i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond

we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other

unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between

i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty

bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic  keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)

BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!

well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens 

cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow 

with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER

by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga 

so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time 

to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...

oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!

 KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!" 

fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!

anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?

first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those  "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire

though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation

oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!

now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer 

this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial

well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN 

my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!

i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your

latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?

well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of  "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!

do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most 

films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?

it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around 

so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!

here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)

this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year

well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested 

so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?

well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!

ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism

ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late

MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?

i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was 

entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...

who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!

i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over

from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!

hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!