BANG! BANG!

i think CHER said it best when she sang all about it in that one song...

i was 5 and he was 6...we rode on horses made of stix...he wore black and i wore white...he would always win the fight

BANG! BANG!...he shot me down...BANG! BANG! i hit the ground

BANG! BANG!...that awful sound...BANG! BANG!...my baby shot me down

with that in mind...if thoughts and prayers were like nuts and berries...we'd all have a bowl of granola

so another "big bad" lone wolf shooter makes the front pages yet AGAIN...

in Sutherland TX on sunday this time...end'n the chapters to 26 innocent...perhaps not...(let's be optimistic...i mean realistic here)... kittens...14 of them bein' under the age of consent...maybe even some of them were my weekly readers...which really pisses me off...but alas...we'll never know...well...that is until i'm able to use my dismal star power and gather a group larger than Britian's "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS"...America's "WE ARE THE WORLD" & the WWF's "LAND OF A 1000 DANCES" combined...comb'n the ends of the earth to find out...i'll be take'n yer  donations at www.gofuckyerself.com

i of course mean this as a very light hearted joke...cuz that's what it is...

these days...#45 or absolute pig shit (which ever yer refer to him as today) and his lobotomized brain dead CASPER crudsade'n followers...and...those who are just the average run of the mill CASPER crusader...scurry to social media in ALL forms...to see who can be the 1st to send out their "thoughts and prayers"  delusional mind numb'n voodoo sorcery to the masses and get credit fer it by Anderson Pooper read'n it live on the air or any of the many other news "personalities"

but ONE lone wolf...with an unkempt amount of facial foliage...kills 8 (and harms a handful of others lets not ferget) and our pussy grabb'n prezimental screams from the top of his seething...high in saturated fat lungs..."DEATH PENALTY"...

well...that is a purdy scary beard y'all...and Jezus would skin him alive if he were around taday pull'n that bullshit...you kin garentee it!

but how did this lone wolf do it one might ask?...hmmmm...he's a terrorist with a beard...i bet he did it with a semi automatic sawed-off AK 47 Uzi shotgun with booster rocket engines right?...ummmm NO!...he walked into a homo depot in NY...and plunked down i'm assume'n was only $39.95 fer 2.5 hours with no hidden fees or mileage charges...which really is yer best option when try'na cause a commotion...in case yer wonder'n

but let's back it up a bit...wasn't it just last month...that a lone wolf...worth millions...gunned downed 58 to an early grave and injure'n roughly 546...give or take a few...just like the video game CALL OF DUTY...from a Vegas hotel...well...his face is a bit outta facial hair control...

but so was James Gandolfini at times...but the one thing he had in common with all these "lone wolves" must'a been that they all were of german/irish decent...and any SANE person knows...a simple pimple solution to that is of course to bake somethin' that freezes beautifully...to all those afflicted...and leave it to the current WH admenstruation and Lord GUT-ROT golpher say'n this was not a political time to talk about gun control...we need to send delusional brain waves of sympathy to the families...friends and former hook-ups to all those who were touched by this awful awful tragedy

seems to me this has happened once or twice before...didn'it?

could someone please refresh my memory fer a minute and explain to me which Muslim country these mental cases came from?...cuz i can't seem to remember!

hmmm...how well did all yer "thoughts and payers" work in those situations?

seriously kittens...fuck yer candles and yer cankerous kumbaya's...

wake up and smell the "paid fer by lobbyists" coffee kittens...

this ISSUE has ZERO to do with some green skinned gimp with a glandular problem...creep'n into yer house in the middle of the nite to take away yer pow pow machines...

the vomit that the 45th asswipe of the US and his tap dance'n around the subject monkeys like Ryan are spew'n have absolutely ZERO to do with the gun issue

it's ALL about one thing...and ONE THING only!

ya know...at this point...i'd believe more in conspiracy theorists

 paint'n the picture say'n this was all just another small scale "OSWALD moment" to distract everyone from the real issue

so get off my dress!

how to lift and separate

when ya think about it...the times have never really changed much

the powers in power have made up a large percentage of yer minds for you without you have'n to take any sorta responsibility to think fer yerselves...don't answer that...just think about it fer a minute?

we're subliminally...and stupidly many follow...bein' told to pick sides by the media between this or that...fer instance let's take a simple subject like KATY PERRY and TAYLOR SWIFT and their pettiness...bein pitted against each other as the WWF of the music world...all becuz of some stupid spat they had...as if that was gonna change the way they actually perform on stage

in the 90's we hadda pick between CHRISTINA AGUILERA and  BRITNEY SPEARS and who could pull off the wetter lip gloss in a glittered bikini made of mint floss and pasties

in the 80's it was MADONNA and CYNDI LAUPER and who was gonna outshine the other

but i'm here to tell ya kittens...this is not the MUSKRAT LOVE that the CAPTAIN & TENILLE would approve of...oh no!...why are you lett'n yerself bein' distracted by who likes what...this has been a no brainer free market'n tool for music execs to use against those who have no brain in order to drive sales

i mean...i'm sure if we looked back far enough in musical history...we'd know all about the disastrous smack down torch weild'n riots between who was the better ivory tickler...MOZART or BEETHOVEN

so to bring'n it back into perspective here and the recent clash...

no...not these guys (though the 1st guy on the left...like totally could'a rock'd my casbah back then i swear with those dreamy eyes)

no...unfortunately i'm talk'n about these brain dead lobotomized polo'd morons...(i'll save my perspective til the end) and all over a statue...or so we're lead to believe!

A STATUE?..REALLY?...cuz from what i ran across in the live stream media...they weren't chant'n in unison...while thrash'n their home depot tiki torches in match'n kaki's "let Robert Lee be...let Robert Lee be"...but let's just say it was about the damn statue fer a  minute

lemme break it down fer ya...so me...not really bein' a historian whore...or one who really was into cast iron catastrophes of the past...i didn't really get the point on either side...whether you were for the historian significance of the statue or against it...to me IT'S JUST A STATUE!

BUTT

 (don't worry...i just need'a breather to collect my lustful thoughts fer a min)

a simple pimple solution to the whole damn thing would be to just preserve the confederate statues (regardless how you feel about their significance to society) in a museum in which ever city you reside in...

and all those supposed "pissed of patriots"...can go worship their ghosts of a painful past...like the thousand of lobotomized CASPER worshippers do on sunday...that is...IF that was their real reason...of which those unlobotomized of us out there know...IT WAS NOT!

but let's no loose site and focus on what the REAL issue at hand is...

though some might think'n i'm putt'n on my paranoid floaters and take'n a dipp'n in the conspiracy pool...think about it fer a minute?...why NOW all of a sudden are we ignite'n a race war over a statue?...it's always been there...it's just suppressed at times thru-out our history

but is it really a stretch when you stop and think about it fer just a cotton pick'n minute (without whatever news channel and social media outlet post you choose to believe is REAL NEWS) this was all just a simple free distraction...most likely created by BANNON the CANNON...and now that he's gone...

there are many lobotomized applicants that have already begun to line up...fill'n out their applications to take his place...

when all they really need to do to get over all their pent up anger is listen to some KESSLER SISTERS or CONNIE FRANCIS  and get over their fuckery...yer free speech is fine...NO MATTER HOW INSANELY FUCK'D UP IT REALLY IS...but it should ONLY be doin just that
(no tiki torch'n...car runn'n over parade)

but i think Scully and Mulder would agree with me...we are only bein' pinned against each other once again as a distraction...instead of focus'n on the real deal...so our TWITTER BITCH can ride off into the sunset with his Rooski

like the queen says..."music...makes the people come together"

turn down yer emotions...turn up yer mind...and turn up the radio...oh...
and get off my dress!

wrapp'n it up!

like the late great JOAN once said...(thanx to great hollyweird writers)

"i want you to tear down that bitch of a bear'n HATE wall...and put a window of EQUALITY were it ought to be!"

from the SUPREME'S sing'n their latest number 1 hit...

"STOP...in the name of non heterosexual love"

 Satan's sidekick toss'n her tea-baggage everywhere...

to a tongue lash'n twerker and a fuck'n DUCK jerker

strap on yer strap-on...and get ready to pop yer cork...

cuz it's gonna be one helluva ride as we take a road trip in reverse...look'n back at the year of the QUEER...the losers who wasted their wad...and everyone on the CRACK or in between it!

it all began with the destruction of D.O.M.A ...

just barely edge'n to victory...but did none the less....thanx in part...

to these feisty ol' feline's in their granny panties...lett'n us know...ya don't need to let it all hang out to make headlines and being old is new again

are ya listen'n up ladies?

which led to the demolition of PROP 8...

and led to a flood of states...like the land of 10,000 lakes...i mean 9,999 bottoms...(hey someone's gotta satisfy the masses...otherwise it'd be bumper car city) become'n #12...offer'n the non heterosexuals the same equal rights to milk the system and be just as miserable in matrimony and reap the bennies like their non homosexual counterparts

and of course...fer every lucky winner....

there's gotta be a LOSER...and these LOSERS lost BIG TIME!

from Brian bark'n like a lil bitch only to get his bitch ass buried in debt...Teddy show'n the country how to waste millions by try'n to bitch slap the Prez's healthcare...and poor Kenny bein' a bitch by try'na ban the jobs known as blow or punch'n into charlie's chocolate factory and lost his seat

and if that wasn't enough to settle yer unsettled stomach...

PUTIN didn't feel like play'n with the PUSSY...or join in any reinqueer games

which in turn...turned these neo nazi asswipes into Vlad vigilante's

but it wasn't just the politicians who raised non hetero holy hell...

these 3 not so wise men...lost the their flock along with the mind...by use'n the bible comic book as their defense to divide a nation to destroy a population...from Pat warn'n his audience of the San Franny non hetero's that wear Gollum's ring...lil Timmy tell'n us "they" were defeated by the bedazzlers..to big bad Billy-boy gett'n his britches in a bunch try'n to decipher the difference between kiddie-fuck'n catholic leaders and non hetero love'n breeders

and unfortunately...it wasn't all CHEERS with these QUEERS

alas...all wasn't lost in the land of the sexually repressed comic bookers...

as the Captain of the Casper crusaders rose up like a phoenix fer the flamers...went rogue and declared to the masses to let those non hetero's vogue...declare'n the church has more important things to worry about than Adam and Steve make'n monkey love in the garden of earthly delights

in music newz...the BOY became the MAN in maybelline...

with a richer voice and 70's vibe...and his first full length album in 18 years...BOY had penned thee most amaze'n comeback melodic melodies of the year...prove'n he still is THE KING of QUEENS!

to the girl who's still have'n fun 30 years on...

and become'n the 1st women to win a TONY fer best musical score on Broadway...inspired by the movie...congrats girl...you deserve it!

and in other musically challenged newz...

KATY PERRY had "ROARED" to the top...while BLAH BLAH released  "ARTFLOP"...and MILEY CYRUS just went fer the chop!

but just when ya think it couldn't get any worse...

we had to bid au revior to some of the great women who made all the difference in the 70's...

from EDITH who sang her heart out...to ANN who took it one day at a time...to CAROL who answer'd the phones...til she got promoted to Bart's teacher 20 years later

unfortunately...also join'n them fer the after party is....

 

the male persuasion known as...
 the CASH COW...the CRIME BOSS...and the CRITIC

and the bulb burnt out waaay too soon fer these guys who made us swoon

we also lost some great political figures across the pond...

from the 1st lady of parliament...to the 1st black president of the continent

some predictions never came true..and some predictions made them bank...

but do you think these predictors...predicted what was come'n to them?

can someone turns the lights up PUHLEEZ...thankyou!

and now my fav-o-rit topic to talk about...

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

i received some terrific prezzies this year under my xmess tree...

but by far my fav-o-rist of all was ALL 7 seasons of the MARY TYLER MOORE show from my dearest friend Jess...and ya know what...i am gonna make it after all!

and just when ya think it couldn't get better...it did...

i got rear ended the other nite after leave'n my friend's funeral...

well...not in the good way i might add!

of course the year wouldn't be complete without some tasty dish...

just add in some dope...a pinch of canadian crack...and drop in some tears of regret...

and you got yerself a catastrophe casserole that tastes like shit!

don't get too filled up...cuz A&E is serve'n up some craptastic delight...

called...DOOSH DUCK cake!

wait...ya know what? FUCK the DUCK...i'm not hungry!

and to top the year off with a batshit crazy cherry on top...

MN's very own clown...Shelly B...has decided to turn in her teabag...and help her husband homothespian sell homo-no-more lobotomy kits...

let's take a look back at her colorfully delusional career shall we!

well kittens...guess that'll be wrapp'n it up...so until next year...

now get off my dress!